


Entwined

by Alois_D



Series: Entwined Universe [1]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-04-14 12:48:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 216,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4565253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alois_D/pseuds/Alois_D
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At thirty-one, Justin Taylor comes back to his hometown after having been gone for eight years. But then he runs into his first love, Brian Kinney, and everything is going to change…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unexpected Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by one of my favorite fanfics, ‘The Difference Between Now and Then,’ by Sonofobiscuit77. Similar to that fic, it will be divided between the past time and the present time. This story was also inspired by one of my favorite book a few years back, ‘Ensemble c’est tout’ by Anna Gavalda.
> 
> ***Special Thanks to Kim (Predec2), who agreed to be my beta again***
> 
> Disclaimer: All characters are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended.

_**Pittsburgh, September 2014** _

It was a Saturday when it happened.

Justin Taylor has just returned three weeks ago to the city where he’d become a man after having been gone for eight years. Pittsburgh was the place where he had been born and had grown up, that special ground that would always hold a part of himself. He had so many memories here; good ones that made him want to laugh out loud, but also bad ones; memories that even to this day would bring unwanted emotions to the surface.

Walking along the sidewalk in a particular neighborhood, he remembered when, at fourteen, he’d drunk too much tequila at Daphne’s house. The thought made him smile, recalling he’d spent the entire evening on the ugly floor in her bathroom, feeling miserable and pathetic, while swearing to his best friend - who hadn’t been in much better shape - that he wouldn’t drink a single drop of alcohol again for his entire life; like every teenager who had gotten drunk for the first time and felt like he wasn’t going to survive, that promise had been one he had wound up not being able – and willing - to keep.

Then, passing in front of a dark window, he saw his sixteen-year-old self trying to enter a sex-shop, only to be thrown out immediately by the seller. Wearing sneakers, jeans and a hoodie, he had looked like he’d barely hit puberty, so it wasn’t surprising that his first attempt at discovering this forbidden world had been unsuccessful. But back then, Justin had been curious and almost obsessed.

He had wanted to get laid. Desperately. And, more than anything, he had wanted to become a man. A real man.

Justin had lost his virginity to a stranger. He’d been seventeen and reckless, eager to discover what everyone was babbling about, this pleasure that rules the world. Yet, it’d been a painful experience, as he was stupid enough to think that “Mister Ideal Man” would come along into the night and make love to him with kindness and gentle caresses. Thus, as it came to mind now, he couldn’t even really remember what the man had looked like, or even his name. Definitely not a memorable first time by any stretch of the imagination.

Today he liked to think that he’d just been an innocent and idealistic young man. Moreover, losing his virginity hadn’t really changed him. That was not the night when he ceased to believe in his dreams; no, that moment came exactly eleven months and twelve days later, when he was left to die in a parking lot.

Pittsburgh represented his past. It was the place where he had been attacked at his prom because some stupid jerk couldn’t stand the idea of him being a proud and out young gay man. Even now the thought still made him very angry, knowing someone’s ignorance and fear had resulted in stealing an entire year of his life away from him. If not for his encounter with Emmett and Brian when he was nineteen – and to a lesser degree their friends – he might have given up on life by the age of twenty.

Brian…His name echoed in his head like a symphony, churning up so many feelings, even now after all these years. He was the first man he had ever loved, the kind of love that consumed everything, making you believe that this was it, the thing that you’d been looking for all your life.

Yet, he only had memories now. He hadn’t seen the man, nor heard from him in eight years. Initially when he had first left him, the pain and the ache had been so unbearable that he didn’t think he could ever be in a relationship or love again. Healing from their break-up had taken years. Some days, Justin hadn’t even been sure that he would ever be able to bond with another man again. Eventually, though, time had served to ease his pain, and Justin had finally succeeded. He’d moved on.

He’s been in a happy relationship for two years. Tyler is a good man, and Justin hoped that he might just be ‘the one.’ In a couple of months, they would be reunited for good, Tyler having stayed behind in Italy for the time being to wrap up a few things, while Justin came back to the States to start his new job as a graphic artist at a promising company in Pittsburgh.

He had debated for a short time before applying for the position and eventually accepting the job. When his mother had informed him that she’d heard about this firm from a friend, he’d felt like it was time…Time to forge on in a new adventure, and to come back to the States; and if he had to return to his hometown to do it, it was fine with him. He was ready.

Tyler, a New Yorker himself, would follow him soon. His boyfriend would be as glad as he was to be closer to all the friends they’d left behind when they’d moved two years ago.

The experience in Europe had been wonderful, though; one they had chosen to undertake in the early stages of their relationship. They had been involved for barely a month when Tyler had come up with this crazy idea about travelling in Europe for a couple of years. Justin had reacted with impulsive enthusiasm to his idea, and the next thing he knew, they were living in Italy. And thanks to Tyler’s connection – his mother was Italian, and consequently had several members of her family living in the country – they had managed to enjoy that period in their lives even more.

But now, Justin was back. And he didn’t know it yet…but everything was about to change.

It was not going to be an ordinary day.

**********************************************************************************

“You really want to go to the movies?” Justin asked, incredulity dripping from his voice as he listened to his oldest friend speaking over the phone. He was pacing in the living room of his new place, looking at the bright sky which flooded the space with light through three large windows.

“Stop whining. You’re too old for that,” Daphne quipped, obviously pleased with herself.

“Fuck you! Thirty-one is not old…” Justin retorted, pausing in the middle of the room as he ran his hand through his hair. “I just don’t understand your need to be stuck inside at a movie theater when we could be enjoying the nice weather outside. Have you seen how sunny it is?” he asked her hopefully, not liking the idea of being cooped up watching a movie for the next two hours.

But his hope was short-lived. “And, your point is?” Daphne retorted.

Justin huffed playfully, now leaning on the back of his sofa. “You really want me to spell it out for you?”

“Justin…I’ve wanted to see this movie like…forever.” Daphne was a doctor working seventy hours a week - in a good week. She was also single and totally fine with her situation. Or so she claimed, even if Justin wasn’t convinced of that. “But going alone is so depressing! You’ve abandoned me for two years, and…”

“Yeah, I know,” he replied, playing along. “I mean, really, Daph; how could you survive without me, huh?” Justin teased her before relenting. “Okay, okay! You can stop your self-pity party; I’ll go with you. But I warn you, if there aren’t any hot guys in the movie, I will leave you again, for good this time...”

“You’re the best!” Daphne squealed.

Justin shook his head in amusement before asking, “What time?”

“Two p.m. The movie starts at 2:30.”

Justin nodded, looking at his watch. It was 1:20 p.m. now. “Okay, I’ll be there.”

“Thanks! You won’t regret it…” Daphne promised.

I wouldn’t bet on it…“We’ll see about that,” he answered her out loud. “And…Daphne?” He raised his eyebrows, even if she couldn’t see him.

“Yeah?” came the fake, timid reply.

“Don’t be late,” Justin ordered.

“You know me…” Daphne sing-songed.

“…too well,” Justin finished her sentence, enunciating the words slowly before hanging up with a bemused smile.

**********************************************************************************

Life is strange.

As Justin headed toward the movie theater, he couldn’t have predicted that he would see his first lover again a few minutes later. One day, he’d remember this moment and he’d understand that everything he went through, everything he’d lived, was meant to happen this way. He’d even like to think that it was written since the first day he’d laid eyes on Brian Kinney.

Still, at that moment, he had been clueless. Blind. Even deaf to some extent.

**********************************************************************************

Daphne was late. Of course.

Justin stood in front of the theater, alternating between pacing and standing still as he observed the waiting line growing bigger with each passing minute. If his best friend wasn’t there in the next five minutes, he swore to himself that he would make her take a walk with him instead. They could even head to Liberty Avenue, since he hadn’t set foot there in years. Truthfully, he was curious to rediscover the city. And, if he was perfectly honest, he was also scared and excited, all at the same time. Finally in exasperation, Justin grabbed his phone, and was debating calling Daphne when it happened…

When he heard someone calling his name for the first time in eight years. Someone whose voice he knew intimately, and would never forget.

Loving Brian Kinney had been the best thing that had ever happened in Justin’s life…and the worst. The best, because Brian had saved him, bringing back his will to live. In the aftermath of the bashing, Justin had just been a shadow of himself as he tried just to keep breathing; and when he’d met Brian, the older man had given him the strength he needed. But, all hadn’t been easy; far from it. Brian had had his own demons to deal with; his own story which had held him back. At first, they had hated each other.

Then in the end, the demons had finally triumphed over them.

 

“Justin?”

That voice. It felt like a punch to his gut. He would have recognized it anywhere.

Justin couldn’t see his face. He had to turn around first, and if not for a slight hesitation, he could have pretended that hearing him hadn’t affected him at all. Still, he was grateful for that small reprieve, which allowed him to take a couple of breaths to try and control his beating heart before finally reacting.

Turning around, Justin didn’t look directly at Brian. He would have done it eventually - he felt like his chest was going to explode, but he wouldn’t run away, either; yet that wasn’t the reason why he didn’t raise his eyes. In front of him, a child was staring at him with a questioning look and a frown on his face Justin knew all too well. And for an instant Justin couldn’t breathe, because he suddenly realized that this young boy had to be Brian’s son.

_Brian has a son?_

Justin finally gazed up and met Brian’s eyes. And, if at first he’d had trouble looking at his former lover, now he couldn’t tear his gaze away. He felt his chest tightening even more, and realized that even if he’d thought that he was over Brian, he’d been wrong. He had maybe healed, but he was certainly not immune.

The man standing before him was different from the man he had left eight years ago. His facial features had transformed with maturity; he oozed assurance, charisma and…sex appeal. Brian was even more beautiful at thirty-five than he had been at twenty-seven. Moreover, there was something about him that Justin couldn’t identify. Was it awe that he was seeing in his eyes? Astonishment? Surprise? Something else?

“You’ve lost your tongue? Or, is it my mere presence that makes you look like you’re going to faint? Well, you wouldn’t be the first one…” Brian quipped in order to break the deafening silence that was dragging on for far too long. He was sporting a fake smile on his face, but as fast as it appeared, his eyes softened as a serious expression took its place instead.

“I…” Justin mumbled, feeling paralyzed; a few seconds later, he noticed the mischievous gleam in Brian’s eyes, the one he had witnessed numerous times in the past. He gazed down briefly and smiled before looking up again, finally finding his voice. “I just never imagined seeing you again…like this, I mean…” he hastily added, not wanting Brian to think that he was not happy to see him.

Because he was.

“And who is this young man?” Justin finally asked, gazing down. He had wanted to question Brian since he had first laid eyes on the young child standing at his former lover’s side.

“This is Gus,” Brian responded, ruffling the young boy’s hair affectionately. Then, he added, staring intently at Justin as if he wanted to gauge his reaction, “My son.”

Justin didn’t react. He’d already guessed this was Brian’s son. Gus was the spitting image of him.

“Say ‘Hi’, Gus,” Brian ordered his son softly, placing his hand on the boy’s back to encourage him.

“Hi…” Gus responded bashfully, partially hiding behind his father.

Justin smiled at the boy. “How old are you, Gus?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Brian swallow hard and heard him clearing his throat. Yet, when Gus looked at his father as if to ask permission to answer Justin’s question, Brian finally relented. “Tell Justin how old you are, Sonny Boy,” he gently urged him.

“I’m seven and a half years-old!” Gus replied proudly.

Justin smiled at the boy, while understanding immediately why his former lover appeared to be uncomfortable. Addressing Brian, he struggled to come up with a suitable reply but failed. “He is…” were the only two words he was able to pronounce.

“Yeah…” Brian acquiesced, seemingly embarrassed; still, Justin could see Gus meant a lot to Brian. His eyes were filled with kindness every time he looked at his son.

“I…” Even surmising who the child’s father was, Justin was still astonished to discover the news. No one had told him that Lindsay had kept the baby. But then, the name of Brian had been banned from his life for such a long time, it wasn’t surprising that Justin didn’t know. “It’s great…I mean…” Justin didn’t know what to say, even less what to feel, and finding the right words was impossible.

But he didn’t have to. “I know,” Brian whispered. It was more than just mere words, it felt like an apology.

Finally, Brian asked, trying to change the subject for both of them, “So, what are you doing here?”

“I moved back three weeks ago.” Justin explained before he paused, letting the information sink in. He didn’t dare look at Brian. “And right now, I’m waiting for Daphne. We were supposed to go to a movie, but you know how she is. Punctuality isn’t her strong suit.” Justin was trying to be casual, but it was a hard task. He was grateful, though, that his and Brian’s conversation was steering towards a safer subject. Seeing Brian again was causing a lot of memories to emerge, and Justin’s emotions were all over the place. He couldn’t let Brian see how affected he was to see him again.

“No shit…” Brian smiled, tongue in cheek.

“Dad!” Gus chastised his father.

“Sorry…” Brian rolled his eyes. “Well, we’re going to see…What is it again?”

“Dragon 2!” Gus exclaimed, clearly more excited by the prospect of seeing the cartoon than staying on the sidewalk to talk to his dad’s old ‘friend.’

“Yeah…that.” Brian raised his eyebrows and smirked. “So, I’m afraid we have to shorten our lovely conversation, or I will have to deal with a very upset little boy …” He elbowed Gus playfully, who was visibly aggravated to hear his father’s words.

“I’m not little! I’m gonna be as tall and strong as you real soon!” He retorted.

“Sure you will… Eventually…” Brian smiled, a real smile this time. “Come on, then…”

Turning to face Justin one last time, Brian looked down briefly before gazing over at him to say, “It was good seeing you again, Justin.” He seemed to hesitate for a second before adding, his eyes locked on his former lover’s, “I mean that.”

Justin’s heart was once again beating too fast under Brian’s piercing gaze, which both of them knew was much more than just a casual glance. Moreover, it looked like Brian were having an inner conversation and debating with himself about his next move.

As if he came to some internal decision, Brian surprised Justin by retrieving a business card from the back pocket of his jeans. “I…” Brian looked down at the card he was holding in his hands before meeting his gaze again. “If you…” He cleared his throat once more.

“Okay.” _Wait…What?_ Justin didn’t have the time to consider his words. Brian gave him the card, while carefully avoiding touching his hand.

“Okay, then…” Brian passed his hand through his hair, before pinching the bridge of his nose. “Call me if you need anything, or just…you know…” He shrugged, like he wanted to pretend their conversation wasn’t such a big deal, even if they both knew perfectly well that it was a lie. Then, he reached for Gus’ shoulder, nodded at Justin and turned around.

Justin barely nodded back as Brian and Gus moved towards the door to the theater complex and soon disappeared inside. Brian didn't look back.

He was still standing at the exact same spot when Daphne arrived ten minutes later.

Needless to say, they didn’t go to a movie that day.


	2. A New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: August 2002

_**Pittsburgh, August 2002** _

“You’re sure you have everything you need?” Jennifer inquired, looking at her nineteen-year-old son as he retrieved a little, white, bedside lamp from one of the three boxes sitting on the floor of the tiny space that was her son’s new living quarters.

“Yeah…” Justin went to plug in the lamp before placing it carefully on the coffee table near the sofa bed. Looking at the result, he nodded imperceptibly before turning back around to look at his mother, offering her a small smile.

It was an important day for Justin. One year and three months ago, he’d been attacked by Chris Hobbs, one of his classmates at Saint James Academy. The young man had bashed him with a baseball bat in the parking lot of the hotel where their prom had been held. If not for a random client who had found Justin lying unconscious on the filthy floor, his blood gushing out of his injury and flooding the cold cement, he could have died. And even if he hadn’t, a part of him had been taken away from him that night. Forever.

Before that event, he was an ordinary teenager, eager to discover all the joys that the world had to offer. Everyone talked about him as being a cheerful and happy young man, brilliant in everything he put his heart into. His life was filled with promise, he had parents who adored him, and he felt like a bright future was within arm’s reach.

But then the attack changed everything.

The damages Chris Hobbs caused that night didn’t stop with the bashing. Everybody in Pittsburgh, including his own father, learned that Justin Taylor, the beautiful young man with the promising, brilliant future, was gay.

Thus, Craig Taylor had blamed his son for what happened to him. That had hurt Justin almost as much as the physical damages did. Until that moment, he had never doubted that his father would always love him. He’d been dead wrong.

As a result, his mother had ended her marriage within two months after that fateful night, and moved into a little condo in a different neighborhood. She also had to take a job as a realtor. The guilt Justin felt, adding to the physical damages he endured, was too much to deal with. Physically, he’d lost a lot of blood that night, and his heart had stopped twice during the ride in the ambulance. He was in a coma for a week, stayed at the hospital for a month, and underwent rehab for three months. His right hand never fully recovered. And yet, it wasn’t the worst part. Inwardly, he secretly hoped that he could have died that night, because he felt like it would have been easier than this hell that Hobbs had inflicted upon him, a hell he was living in, an everyday remembrance of what he’d lost: the innocence. A shell had taken his place now, empty and meaningless.

The trial was a farce, of course, and left Justin feeling extremely angry at the world, and at whoever had let this happen to him. Chris Hobbs was sentenced to eighty hours of community service, and Justin fell into a state of depression unlike anything he could have ever imagined. Furthermore, he became so scared, terrified to do anything except stay in his room. For months, he couldn’t set one foot outside. Once he left rehab and had refused therapy, he just stayed home, alone, going through uncontrollable, moody fits of rage, while being eaten up by the frustration he felt over his own predicament. He couldn’t be touched, even by his own mother. He couldn’t smile. He couldn’t live.

One day in late December, during one of his crises, he pushed his mother so hard that she fell and hit her forehead on the corner of his desk. Blood had begun to flow freely on her face, and Justin totally lost it. He suffered from a panic attack so strong and so severe that his mother had to call 911 to have him sedated and hospitalized.

In the end, this event had made Justin realize that he couldn’t keep going without fighting back. Even if it felt like an impossible battle to win at the time, he had to at least try and patch his life back together if only for his mother, who had been taking care of him as best she could.

He knew what it would mean. Therapy. Opening up. Facing it. As far as he was concerned, it was like breathing under water.

Still, he had no choice anymore. So, at the beginning of January, he began to see a therapist twice a week. And now, eight months later, he was moving into a tiny little room no bigger than an oversized closet in a bourgeois apartment building, overlooking the entrance to Carnegie Mellon. The studio apartment was located across the street, in the back of the first building; the inner courtyard allowed the tenant a private access via a hidden staircase leading to the seventh floor. It had been an ancient servant’s room, back in the time when the building was the property of a rich and bourgeois family; so, it was barely 130 square feet, but was furnished, and came with a reasonable rent. Moreover, the location of the building, situated just across the street from Carnegie Mellon, was a real bonus for Justin.

Going back to a ‘normal’ life turned out to be a real challenge. After all, just walking in the street was an ordeal every time, but Justin was determined to push his limits as much as he could. He didn’t know how he was going to react when surrounded by all the other students on the campus, but it didn’t really matter. If he wanted to move on, he had to start somewhere. He couldn’t hide forever at his mother’s condo.

It had taken some persuasion for Justin to convince his mother that he was ready to live on his own and to go to college. His psychologist had given him his blessing, considering that the next step Justin needed was to turn his life around. Justin’s choice of implementing that goal was to attend college, and his mother needed to move on with her life as well. Still, he wasn’t ready to take too many risks, either; so, this place was the best compromise. It was isolated – there were no other tenants in this part of the building – inexpensive, and couldn’t be closer to the campus.

“I’m still not sure about this place, Justin,” his mother stated, looking around at the faded walls and damaged woodwork surrounding the room. The old, cracked floor was covered with a carpet that had seen better days, and the folding shutters were broken and seemingly rotten. “Are you sure the electricity is working okay? And what about the bathroom?”

“The electricity works just fine, and the bathroom is just across my door,” Justin replied, slightly annoyed with his mother’s questions. “Listen.” He walked over to stand right in front of her, lightly placing his hands on her forearms. “I’m aware this is not a palace…”

“To say the least…” Jennifer cut him off, her eyes focused on the rusted heater before gazing up at her son and noticing his impatience.

Justin let his hands fall to his side. “Mom…” he lightly reprimanded her, “It’s still the closest place to the college, and it doesn’t cost a lot of money. I can’t afford anything more expensive.” Seeing his mother ready to protest, he hastily added, “YOU can’t help me more than you’re already doing. You have to keep your money, for you and Molly.” He gave her a pointed look. “We agreed this was for the best, remember?”

Jennifer stared at her son, acknowledging how far he’d come since starting therapy, even if she knew he wasn’t out of the woods yet. Justin still couldn’t stand to be touched, except for the occasional contact he initiated like the one he just had a moment earlier, and she feared he would not be able to get through the coming year without any setbacks. But, he was a survivor and she would respect his decision to do this on his own, even if she would be worried sick about him every single second of every single day.

“Okay…” She finally relented. “But, if you need anything…” She looked at him intently, wanting him to hear her, “even if it’s to come home or for me to be here more often. I just want to be there for you…” She wanted so badly to take him in her arms, but she refrained. “All you have to do is ask, okay?”

“Of course I will,” Justin promised with a small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He raised his eyebrows in front of his mother’s unconvinced gaze to remind her, “I said I promised, Mom.” That was all he could do. As for the rest, he preferred not to think about it anymore, because when he did, the pain always won in the end.

*********************************************************************************

**Two days later…**

Emmett Honeycutt was walking up the steps to the building’s front porch and heading toward the main entrance situated a few feet away when he noticed a young man approaching from the inner courtyard located on the opposite side of the porch. This new tenant was blond, not very tall, but quite attractive, although he looked like he would rather be invisible. He kept glancing at him furtively, and Emmett thought he was even slowing down and redirecting his steps so as to avoid him further. Well, it’s not just a thought, he decided, but a reality. He had encountered him twice in the last two days, and every time the blond had looked really uncomfortable in his presence.

But what this young man didn’t know was that Emmett Honeycutt wasn’t the kind of man who looked the other way. He didn’t know why, but he was intrigued; the extremely small room had been vacant for quite some time – Emmett only knew of its existence, because the concierge had told him about it. George was a sweetheart and most of all a real chatterbox, having known all the occupants of the building for decades.

Emmett was living on the third floor of the main building in his 2000-square-foot apartment, a place he had inherited from his dear Aunt Lula when she had passed away three years ago.

The apartment reflected the charm and sophistication that had once been the heart of the old building a time long ago. There were high ceilings in every room, overlooking common areas: a living room that could welcome a lot of people, and also a separated dining room, five bedrooms (including two private bathrooms), three offices, a huge kitchen, and one other bathroom. Crown moldings ran along the top of the antique-white walls, and the hardwood floors and eclectic collection of furniture made the place a perfect mix of modern and antique.

Emmett loved his place.

When he had first moved in, he was barely legal; at eighteen years old, it had been the first time he had a place on his own, and what a place it was! He came from a small town in Mississippi, and besides his Aunt Lula, no one in his family had never really accepted him for who he was, especially after it became obvious that he wasn’t going to be like every other boy. That’s why he had always loved to visit his single aunt in Pittsburgh for the summer. She was open-minded, smart, and successful, and possessed a great sense of humor. Most of all, she had made him feel special, respected and loved. He had loved her dearly, and every year, he’d spend most of the summer in her company. That is, until she had died from a heart attack during the winter of 1998.

Shortly after her passing, Emmett learned that she had left him all her belongings, along with the beautiful apartment they had shared during the summers, laughing and talking until the early hours of the morning. So, he decided to leave his hometown and he moved in.

He had never regretted his decision ever since.

**********************************************************************************

“Fuck!”

As part of his therapy, Justin had been walking around aimlessly, running a few errands, when – deciding to return home – he tripped on the paving stones on the ground near the porch. His cell slipped from his right hand, and the contents of the heavy paper bag he was carrying in his left arm scattered all over the pavement.

“Shit…” He cursed out loud before leaning forward to grab his phone. Just then, he heard footsteps of someone rushing over and hastily heading towards him.

“Oh, Honey! You look like you need some assistance! Here…let me help you.” The voice was kind and cheerful, yet Justin couldn’t help it. He tensed immediately.

He couldn’t look at the man’s face yet. Taking a deep breath, he slowly let his eyes travel upward, his gaze meeting canvas blue shoes, orange pants, a designed white top emphasizing the torso of the man and purposely slip in the front, until, at last, he finally met blue eyes staring back at him with amusement. He recognized the man as his flamboyant neighbor, the one he’d already walked by twice in the past couple of days.

“Hello?” The man asked playfully. He then proceeded to lean forward in order to grab an apple which had rolled a few feet away. “You’re the new tenant in the ‘hidden’ room, right?” he asked, while gathering different things around them.

Justin let him, not wanting to be rude – he was a WASP, after all – even if he wanted to bolt, and finally answered, “Yes, I am.” News travels fast, it seems, Justin mused while gathering up his groceries.

“How is it? I’ve always been curious about that place…like maybe there is a story behind it, you know? Maybe in another time, the owner of the building had a secret affair with a young and beautiful man, and they met in secret and made passionate love in this room, professing their undying love for each other behind closed doors!” the man exclaimed, lost in his own fantasy, before looking back at Justin as if he just realized he wasn’t alone. “Don’t mind me, I’m hopelessly romantic…” He winked before standing up, his hands full.

Justin couldn’t help but smile a little at the man in reaction to his behavior.

“By the way, I’m Emmett. Emmett Honeycutt. You know, like Bond, James Bond. Except I’m not…James Bond, I mean…” He frowned and shook his head slightly, as if he were wondering why he was saying those kind of things. “Anyway, I’d shake your hand if my hands weren’t full of your stuff.” He smiled then, a bright and real smile.

“I’m Justin…” Justin introduced himself, pinching his lower lip, “Justin Taylor.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Justin Taylor. May I ask you if I can come with you to help you take your groceries to your room? Looks like you could use a couple extra hands, and mine happen to be free at the moment.” The paper bag was completely torn. Justin would have to make at least two trips to take it all upstairs.

Justin hesitated – he really didn’t want to have anybody in his room – but finally, acknowledging that it would be stupid to refuse, he agreed; consequently, he lead Emmett through the inner courtyard and to the entrance of the hidden stairs.

He was amused, though, to see that his neighbor was slowing down at each floor, jogging up each flight of steps with an “It’s great training to live on the top floor without an elevator to use; you will wind up with one of the most beautiful asses in Pittsburgh!” Finally arriving at the seventh floor, Emmett breathed heavily, berating himself. “I promise *gasping*…to work *gasping*…and not *gasping*…to play with *gasping*…my gym *gasping*…trainer… again.” Taking a little time to catch his breath, Emmett commented dryly, “You don’t need any more exercise after that…”

Justin was more relaxed now, especially knowing he would soon be in the safety of his room. Truthfully, Emmett seemed to be a nice guy, and Justin knew he should be more open. The only friend he still had was his childhood friend, Daphne, and his therapist was pushing him to try and meet new acquaintances. Who knows? Maybe he and Emmett could become friends? But was he ready for that? Only time would tell.

“Thanks for your help, Emmett.” He opened the door to his room after placing some of his groceries down on the floor and slipped inside, leaving Emmett standing in front of his door with instructions to ‘wait.’ Soon he returned with a basket, and used it gather up all the items. Emmett, seemingly understanding that he would not be invited to come inside any time soon, handed Justin the grocery items clutched in his hands and stepped back.

“Well, I think my duty as a welcoming neighbor is done…” Emmett tried lightly, taking one last chance to see if Justin would invite him in or not.

He understood soon enough that it wasn’t going to happen, though. “So…if you need anything, I live on the third floor of the main building. I must warn you, though, that my roommate is not as charming as I am, but feel welcome to stop by anytime. If I’m there, I’ll be thrilled to have you over for dinner or something. If I’m not there, well… You know what? Here’s my cell number…” He retrieved a piece of paper and a pen from the front pocket of his shirt, and wrote his number down before holding it out for Justin.

Justin reached out and grabbed the piece of paper carefully, so as not to touch Emmett’s fingers. He mumbled his thanks quietly, and at last Emmett smiled at him and turned around.

“Emmett?” Justin called after him.

“Yes, Sweetie?” Emmett inquired.

Justin looked at this man who was a stranger to him twenty minutes ago, and who hadn’t hesitated to help him, being so welcoming and joyful, while he himself had almost held back any kind of gratitude, too careful to let himself relax for even a moment. He took a deep breath, not caring one way or another if Emmett might find him weird – it was a sure thing by now – and said, “Would you like to come for a drink, some other time?”

Emmett seemed surprised but happy, answering playfully without a single hesitation, “I thought you’d never ask…” Then, his expression changed into more of a kind and thoughtful gaze. “But if you’re not comfortable with me being here, don’t feel obligated to invite me.”

“It’s not that…It’s just…” Justin struggled to respond, feeling almost bashful.

“It’s okay, Justin,” Emmett reassured him. “Some other time, then? Maybe next week?”

“Yeah, okay. Maybe next week.” Justin smiled at Emmett, as much as he could anyway, and watched him head down the stairs until he disappeared from sight, singing out loud some famous song that sounded suspiciously like Madonna’s.

*******************************************************************************

The next day, a new challenge was waiting for Justin. He needed to head over to the campus in order to finish his registration – on his own, as the therapist had required of him - and he knew that this first time would prove to be a deciding facing in ensuring his future. If anything went wrong today… well, he didn’t want to know what could happen. In fact, nothing could go wrong. Period.

Consequently, he woke up early. He couldn’t eat – his stomach was too tied up in knots to swallow anything, but he took a long shower in order to relax as much as possible, clearing his mind from any negative thoughts.

Afterward he left his room, headed down the seven floors, pausing in front of the open exit. He breathed in the early morning air several times, the warmth of the sunny morning comforting him until, at last, he placed his left foot firmly on the paving stone directly in front of him.

Two hours later, he was standing in front of the door to Emmett’s apartment, bolstered by a new hope that he was, indeed, going to be fine. In fact, he felt like flying, which explained why he was there in the first place. He had gone over to the campus, wanting to flee at the sight of so many bustling students nearby. His need to escape had been strong, but he had held on, remembering his sessions and his therapist’s voice telling him that he was safe, and reminding him to breathe deeply with each step he took.

And he had hung on. Thank god for small victories, he thought.

Therefore, he’d wanted to share his triumph, and had called his mother, but she didn’t answer. He’d left a message, so as not to worry her, and had tried to contact Daphne, but she was still on vacation. So he’d pondered his options, and as he was heading home, he ultimately decided to surprise Emmett by stopping at his apartment, sensing the man would be happy to be invited over for a drink. Who knows if he would have the courage to invite him tomorrow? His moods were still quite unpredictable, so Justin took his chance.

After rapping on the impressive, wooden door with a pewter door knocker, Justin stepped back and waited. After a long moment – Justin was ready to give up and leave – the door opened; but the man that greeted him with nothing but an unbuttoned pair of jeans and an intimidating stare was not Emmett.

The man was beautiful: tall, with a lean yet toned body, chestnut hair, hazel eyes, but most of all, he oozed self-confidence and even hotness. However, Justin was too uncomfortable to fully appreciate it. Conversely, the man was currently giving him the once over very slowly, as if Justin was some lab specimen and not a man. As a result Justin tensed, but he couldn’t seem to find the strength to move.

“Not bad…” The man stated. Then he raised his eyebrows, obviously waiting for Justin to react. His eyes were boring into his, and Justin felt himself blushing, before gazing away.

Also, as much as Justin would have wanted to, no words came out.

“You know, when you knock on someone’s door, uninvited, some people would expect you to introduce yourself…” He said with a fake smile, his hand casually gripping the frame of the door, confidently standing there in such a way that it was obvious he knew how damn hot he was. Justin couldn’t move. In response to Justin’s silence, the man added, rolling his eyes, “or not…”

Justin squirmed as he tried to look behind the man’s shoulder to see if there was any movement in the apartment.

The man’s posture changed then. A moment earlier, Justin could have sworn that the man was hitting on him. Now, it seemed he couldn’t get rid of him fast enough. “For fuck’s sake, what do you want? Do you even speak English? Bonjour? Buongiorno? Hola? Hallo? Hello?” The man fidgeted; he was not the patient type. “You’re here for what? To see my roommate? Or my cock, maybe?”

Justin finally emerged from his trance. And once he did, he realized he was beginning to feel pissed. “Emmett?”

“He speaks! What a relief…” The man mocked him openly. “Unfortunately for you, Emmy Lou is out for the day, so I’m afraid you’ll have to come back some other time…” Then, he added, condescension dripping from voice, “Don’t feel like you need to, though.”

Justin glared back in reaction to the man’s sarcastic tone as he turned to leave, hearing him add, “And don’t forget to call first next time! It’ll help me not to waste my time with an anti-social prick!”

Those words were followed by a bang, the sound of the door being violently shut.

Justin had met Brian Kinney.

And it was just the beginning.


	3. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: September 2014

_**Pittsburgh, September 2014** _

 

“Justin?”

Daphne’s voice was calling him, but Justin wasn’t there, not really. He was stuck in the memory of his encounter with Brian, and it seemed he couldn’t find a way out of it.

He was currently sitting in a little cafe, located five minutes’ walking distance from the theater complex. The place could hold about twenty people, but it still maintained an open, airy atmosphere, with high ceilings and big windows on two of the hardwood walls. In addition, the interior decoration of the place was very unique: only recycled elements had been used to emphasize the environmental-friendly philosophy the owner wanted to share with his customers. The chair Justin was sitting on was an old oak barrel adorned with a comfortable cushion; the table was made with the same material, except the barrel had been cut in the middle, and a huge piece of wood had been put on top of it, along with two other pieces to anchor the barrel to the floor.

His best friend had let him zone out until that moment. But, now that they were comfortably settled - they had ordered two coffees made with green label beans, of course – Daphne decided to act. She leaned across the paneled wood and snapped her fingers right in front of Justin’s nose. Finally, Justin gazed up at his friend, noticing her questioning expression for the first time since they had entered the cafe.

“Sorry…” He breathed deeply, before taking a sip of his drink.

“Are you going to tell me what happened to you between our conversation on the phone, and my finding you at the theater? I’m no psychic, but something obviously happened. I still need for you to use nouns and verbs to form a sentence, though, since I don’t read minds; can you do that for me?” Daphne questioned him.

“I’m not sure…” Justin responded uncertainly. “You don’t want to know what’s going on in my head, believe me. It isn’t pretty…” He tried to stay elusive, because he didn’t want to have this conversation. He was almost afraid of what he was going to reveal to his friend, even if he had no idea at the moment what it would be.

He didn’t know what to think, even less how to feel.

“Spill it.” Daphne ordered, sensing her friend needed to sort out whatever was bothering him. “I won’t let you walk out that door until you talk to me. Besides, considering we missed the movie because of your weird mood, you owe me one.”

Justin snorted. “Are you kidding me? Nothing would have happened if you had been on time for a change…” He then proceeded to play with the small, recycled packet that had held the sugar he had stirred into his now lukewarm coffee.

Daphne leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms momentarily. “So, now it’s MY fault?”

Justin nodded, his eyes locking with Daphne’s. “Yes! I would have never seen him if you’d arrived earlier!”

“What? Who?” Daphne asked, shaking her head in confusion.

“Brian!” Justin exclaimed loudly, the palms of his hands in the air; the packet torn into small pieces was now forgotten on the table.

Daphne’s eyes went wide. “Brian? You mean, Brian, Brian?”

“Yes! Brian, Brian! Or, do you think I know another one?”

Daphne was rendered speechless. Almost. “I…Whoa! That is… I don’t know what…”

Justin cut her off immediately, asking with a pointed stare, “You knew, didn’t you?”

“Huh?” Daphne frowned.

“About Gus…” Justin clarified. Daphne’s silence was all the confirmation he needed. He shook his head, his nervousness over their conversation obvious as he began to rub the palm of his right hand. “Never mind…”

“Justin…” Daphne tried to get his attention, but failed.

“I can’t believe this…” His eyes were glued to an invisible point on the table, his fingers now picking up the small pieces of the torn paper again.

“Justin,” Daphne tried again, her tone more convincing.

Justin was still staring at the same spot, muttering to himself. “It’s unbelievable. I mean, seriously, why nobody…”

“Justin! For God’s sake, stop it already!” Daphne finally snapped; it was the only way to get her friend’s attention. Taking a breath first, she inquired, “Why are you so mad?”

Justin shook his head immediately, denying her words vehemently. “I’m not mad…”

“Yeah…right,” Daphne huffed, crossing her arms in front of her again.

Justin paused and looked at her; knowing she wouldn’t let it rest, he finally confided, “It’s just…” He sighed. “I haven’t seen him in eight years, Daph! And now, out of the blue, I encounter him randomly, and I learn that he’s a father? Seriously? He never wanted to be a father! He…fuck!” Justin passed his hand through his blond hair nervously, and finally cradled his head in his hands, his elbows on the table.

“Justin…” Daphne called to him, softly this time, as she leaned over to let her hand momentarily rest on his forearm.

“What?” Justin answered warily.

“It was a long time ago. You’ve both moved on. Is it really important that he changed his mind? I thought you were over him.” The words weren’t meant to be a judgment. They were just facts.

“I am!” Justin agreed, a little too fast.

Daphne raised her eyebrows. “You’re sure?”

“Of course! I have my own life and …I have Tyler.” He was happy, in love. His life was perfect.

“And yet, you’re upset about Brian changing his mind about Gus. And about me not telling you about his son sooner, even if it was by YOUR request,” Daphne pointed out.

“No, I’m not...” In front of Daphne’ stare, Justin admitted, “Okay, maybe a little…” He shook his head, “It’s just...I don’t know…I don’t think I was ready for this.” His reaction was the result of him being unprepared to encounter his former lover unexpectedly after so many years. It had to be.

“Well, he IS the first man you ever loved. And now, you meet him again after eight years for the first time after having no contact with him at all. It’s not really surprising that you’re feeling that way,” Daphne rationalized, trying to help her friend put things into perspective.

“You think?” Justin asked hopefully.

“I don’t think, I know. Stop berating yourself about this,” Daphne reassured him, allowing Justin to breathe a little easier. God, every time he thought about Brian and Gus, he could feel a physical reaction in his chest, a kind of tightening he couldn’t control. But this was a normal reaction, right? Right…

Then, Justin remembered an important detail. “Daph?”

“Hmm?” She responded absentmindedly as she drank her coffee and peered over at a hot guy two tables away.

“He gave me his card,” Justin mumbled, not sure how to interpret that information, or how his friend was going to react.

“He what?” Daphne’s head snapped back to look at Justin.

“He gave me…” Justin started, only to be interrupted immediately.

“I heard you!” Daphne informed him concernedly, while processing that information. “What are you gonna do?”

And THAT was the real question, wasn’t it? Because really, what WAS he going to do? Call his former lover, who’d he mourned for almost five years before he could successfully form even one single relationship other than some one-night stands? Or, was he going to ignore him completely, knowing there was a big chance that they would see or at least hear about each other, now that he was back? Not to mention that Tyler would be arriving in a couple of months.

“I don’t know…” Justin finally answered, because that was the only thing he could say. Could he really stay away? He hadn’t spent so many years far from Pittsburgh to end up in this situation. The past would still be the same tomorrow. So, dealing with it could only be the best course of action, couldn’t it?

“You’re considering contacting him?” Daphne asked. She didn’t really look surprised, even if she obviously didn’t understand why Justin would do that, considering he had cut Brian completely out of his life a long time ago. The name of Brian Kinney hadn’t been uttered in eight years; and yet, conversely, the man’s presence had overshadowed Justin’s life ever since.

“I don’t know!” Gazing up, Justin observed the knowing look on his best friend’s face. “What?”

“You’re going to call…” Daphne raised her eyebrows, seemingly disapproving.

“I told you…” Justin tried to justify his position, only to be interrupted again.

“Don’t even try to deny it,” Daphne retorted. She would never dictate to him what to do, though. Truthfully, she had always been convinced that they were meant to be together; that is, until Justin decided that he couldn’t do it anymore. And, her friend had a partner now. She didn’t know him too well, but Justin seemed genuinely happy.

“Daph…This is so fucked,” Justin complained, before rubbing his forehead with his hand.

“You want to call him, right?” That was not really a question.

Justin seemed to think about it before finally arriving at his own conclusion. “I just want to see for myself that he’s alright.”

“Well, if you feel that this is important for you, do it. Call him,” Daphne advised, before adding. “Just, be careful, okay?”

Their gaze locked for several seconds. Justin knew what his friend was telling him. He could have responded with a simple ‘okay,’ but it would have been a lie. The words ‘Brian’ and ‘careful’ never seemed to go hand-in-hand.

He gazed away.

********************************************************************************

Later that day, Justin was home, alone, his hands gripping the balcony’s railing surrounding the south area of his two-bedroom apartment.

He was looking at the pulse of the city in front of him, as the night slowly progressed; his artistic eyes were taking it all in, endless possibilities emerging in his mind. As a result, his fingers were itching to be released from their grip, and yet Justin didn’t act. His thoughts were elsewhere.

When he peered wistfully up at the sky, he let his mind escape to its safe haven, a place where nothing and no one could harm him. His escape didn’t last for very long, but the calm, almost soothing sensation that temporarily comforted him was welcome nevertheless.

After a short while, he removed his right hand from the railing and retrieved a card from his jeans pocket. He stared at it for a long time, at the name he had tried so desperately to forget, leaning forward to let his elbows support him.

Lost in thought, for the first time in eight years he willingly let his thoughts travel back in time. He was nineteen again, and looking at Brian for the first time, while the man was snarling at him like some short-tempered lion.

He almost smiled at the memory.

Memories can be deceptive. Justin knew it. Time tended to ease the pain, and inevitably our minds only wanted to remember the beauty. Only the beauty. The flaws seemed to vanish, and were relegated to the recesses of our mind.

However, if a memory transformed itself over time, reality didn’t. It’s just that some people wanted to forget the bad times and hold onto the hope, although the wiser course of action would be to remember it all.

Justin remembered. All of it. So, was he foolish to want to dive into it with his eyes wide open? He still cared about Brian, even if he had cut him out of his life a long time ago. He always would. Was it wrong? And most importantly, would calling be a mistake?

Moreover, was he really willing to take a risk, as small as it was, to jeopardize his relationship with Tyler? Because he had to think about it. He couldn’t keep his boyfriend in the dark regarding his past; not now that he was back home. Until now, he hadn’t felt compelled to talk about Brian.

These thoughts were swirling inside his head as the wind began to increase. Eventually, Justin closed his eyes.

_Stop it. Call him._

At last, Justin grabbed his phone and dialed.

**********************************************************************************

Elsewhere, another man was leaving a house in the suburbs after having dropped off his son. Then, he got in his car and remained there, immobile, before switching on the ignition.

The neighborhood was always the same in these streets that his mind knew by heart. Brian drove through the streets almost as if he were on autopilot, trying to shut down the unwanted thoughts that were popping into his head.

He had tried all afternoon to enjoy his time with his son. Gus is such a fantastic kid, and Brian – like most fathers who haven’t raised their child on a day-to-day basis – has at times been way too indulgent with offering Gus everything he wants. Brian knew that wasn’t what he should do as a parent, regardless of his situation, but he couldn’t restrain himself. Every time he was with his son, all he wanted to do was keep him smiling.

Still, if someone had told him this morning what was going to happen today, he would have stayed at home. Probably. He hadn’t seen his former lover in eight years. EIGHT years. He couldn’t believe it had been so long. It felt like another life. Justin had been his first and only…what? Fuckbuddy? Boyfriend? Partner? All of the above? Well, it didn’t matter now. It was just a label.

Brian had tried to move on. And he had, kind of. But then, seeing him again hadn’t been a part of his plan. Not after so many years, anyway.

He had never expected Justin in the first place. When he had first met him twelve years ago, never would he have envisioned falling for him - or for anyone else for that matter. But fall he did. Hard. 

Justin had been like the most addictive drug. At first, Brian had avoided him like the plague. Eventually, he couldn’t stop himself from wanting more. Needless to say, the detox had been one of the hardest things Brian had ever had to face.

He knew he was responsible for Justin ending their relationship. Truthfully, he’d been a fucked up man back then. He still was in many ways, but he liked to think he had grown up. He wasn’t the same man anymore. Losing two of the most important people in his life had finally opened his eyes, even if it was already too late to change the inevitable outcome.

But it was such a long time ago. The world had changed since then. America had elected the first black president in its history. The global financial crisis had exploded all over the world. Michael Jackson had died. Facebook had connected a half-billion people.

It was crazy how things could change in eight years.

And yet, Brian had recognized him immediately, as if time hadn’t passed at all. He didn’t know why, but when he’d seen this blond-haired man, standing alone with his back to him as he was approaching the theater complex, he’d known. Instantly.

On the other hand, it had taken Brian an eternity to gather up the courage to say his name, or so it had seemed at the time. He was grateful that his voice hadn’t betrayed his inner emotions - whatever they were – as he’d never enjoyed inspecting them too closely. Meanwhile, all he could feel was the adrenaline that coursed through his body at the sight of his former lover, even more so when Justin had finally acknowledged his presence.

Correction. Their presence. Gus had been there, too.

Brian had already imagined countless, random encounters numerous times in his head. The speech he would make had changed with the passing years, but the intensity had always been a component of Brian’s fantasy.

He never would have imagined it as it had played out, though. The whole scene had been so unreal, and Brian had no doubts that Justin was as shaken up by their encounter as he was. Without forgetting his revelation in regards to Gus.

He didn’t know why he had given Justin his card. A stupid and hopeless wish to change the past, perhaps? Not that he would have acted differently back then, but he sometimes dreamt about another life, where he would have been a different man. Who knows? He could have made different choices when he was younger. He could have been more open, or at least he could have tried. Something. Anything.

Yet, he didn’t have any regrets, not really. ‘We all dig our own path; no one is responsible for the choices we make, other than ourselves,’ was a mantra he had followed all his life. To have some regrets, you had to admit that you’d done something you wish you hadn’t. Brian was unable to think that way. It didn’t mean he thought he was right. He’d been wrong a lot of times. But he couldn’t change the outcome. So, having regrets was a waste of time. Right? Right…

He still hoped Justin would call him, though. But he would never willingly admit it to a living soul, least of all to himself.

*******************************************************************************

Brian had one last stop to make before he could go home and enjoy the evening and the night to come.

After a fifteen-minute drive, he arrived in front of a closed gate. He nodded at Stan, the security guard, and waited an instant for the huge, wrought iron gate to open before engaging his car. Then, he drove towards the parking lot situated in front of the main entrance to the place. It was barely 8:00 p.m., but Brian was already late.

The main building of the facility was a mix of recent and old, the place having been remodeled and enlarged a few years back. Yet, its principal asset was that it was situated in a secluded, secure area, surrounded by a small forest, while still located on the outskirts of the city.

Brian got out of his car and followed the illuminated path to the entrance, the sound of his footsteps crunching on the crushed gravel the only thing he could hear except for a nearby owl.

Entering the lobby, he passed the front desk on his left and took the stairs on his right to the second floor. On the way, he came across Travis, one of the night watchmen, who was obviously about to take his shift. He greeted him with a nod as Travis responded with a “Good evening, Mr. Kinney.”

Arriving at the corridor of the second floor, he stopped in front of Room #215. He knocked and opened the door without waiting for an answer.

The white room was quite stark, simply furnished with a small bed, a dresser, a little desk, and two chairs situated in front of a television. There was little decoration adorning the walls, except for one group photograph of four people who used to be a family a long time ago; at least, according to the traditional meaning.

There was a man inside. He was sitting on one of the chairs, his dinner on a tray sitting on top of a wheeled bed table in front of him: tomatoes were left untouched in a little bowl, but the plate holding his entrée – a piece of turkey breast with some mashed potatoes - was half empty, although a lot had fallen from it and onto the tray.

“Hello, Jack,” Brian greeted his father, “It’s me, Brian.” Quietly walking over to sit next to him, he explained, “Sorry I’m late…I had things to do.”

Jack looked at him and smiled. “No problem. But I’m happy you’re here.”

Brian smiled back and offered, “Here…let me help you.”

Jack looked at Brian, the smile on his face still in place, as his son took the spoon from his hands and put it aside, grabbing the fork instead. Then his father offered by way of explanation, “It’s just, the spoon isn’t my usual spoon. I prefer when it’s my usual spoon…”

Brian replied, gently, “I know…Don’t worry about it.”

Brian grabbed the knife to cut the untouched turkey and helped his father to eat, the man beside him opening his mouth obediently, like it was a dance they’d performed during all their lives.


	4. A new friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past:October/November 2002

_**Pittsburgh, October 2002, Justin’s place** _

 

Two months had passed since Justin had moved into his studio apartment. He was now a current student at Carnegie Mellon and living a normal life, or as normal as it could be, considering his history. It was true that more than a couple of times he had thought he wouldn’t be strong enough to succeed in finding the will to keep going; and yet, he was still here, standing and facing his fears.

But it was a fragile, sinuous path. When he went to class, Justin kept sitting alone, as far away as possible from the other students – when he could, anyway – and he fled back home as fast as he could as soon as the lessons were over. He avoided all contact with others; there were too many faces on the campus, each of them symbolizing one more chance of being hurt that Justin wasn’t willing to risk.

So in a nutshell, his life was a series of ups and downs. A couple of bad ‘downs,’ too. Living on his own and confronting the outside world was a day-to-day battle, one he was determined to fight even if he wasn’t so sure about the outcome. Hope was the lifeline he held onto; hope that one day he would feel better. Somehow.

One thing he could be proud of, conversely, was that he and Emmett were on their way to becoming friends, good friends even.

It had been a hard row to hoe at first. After his encounter with Emmett’s roommate, Justin had avoided all contact with the flamboyant man, even double checking the entrance to the building so as not to randomly bump into him. Consequently, he hadn’t come across Emmett in over a month; not until late September, when Emmett had presented himself at his door, seemingly upset and apologizing for ‘that fucking asshole’s behavior.’

It turned out that Emmett had correctly surmised that Justin had been avoiding him, but he had thought that it was simply due to his hesitation in becoming better acquainted with him.

After all, Justin had expressed no desire initially in getting to know him better in the first place. Eventually, though, he had found out about the less-than-pleasant encounter between Justin and Brian, and he had been royally pissed by his friend’s rudeness. Brian Kinney was actually the name of Emmett’s roommate, when he didn’t call him ‘my beloved asshole,’ beloved being an optional word depending upon Emmett’s opinion of Brian’s latest exploit.

Emmett was the kind of man who made everyone around him feel good. It was nothing short of a miracle for Justin that he was able to bond with someone like Emmett. But the other man was so full of life, always smiling and inquiring about Justin’s well-being, and seemed interested in everything that he had to share; that easy-going vibe surrounding him was the best antidote Justin could have asked for to help him open up to someone else. As much as he could, anyway.

********************************************************************************

“You should come over to my place next time for a change. You’re always the one playing the host,” Emmett observed, taking off his coat and moving to sit on Justin’s sofa bed. He had just arrived at Justin’s studio apartment.

“I don’t mind,” Justin replied, as he retrieved two cans of iced tea from his mini-fridge, before adding wryly, “Besides, your roommate wouldn’t be too pleased to see me.”

Emmett studied a broken fingernail on his right hand, frowning. “Brian? He’s gone most of the time, so you can’t use him as an excuse not to come over,” he chided him gently as he accepted one of the cans that Justin held out to him.

Justin shook his head. He still felt some resentment over his last encounter with Brian. “What is it about him, anyway? I mean, you and he, you’re so…” he trailed off, his arm in the air as he tried to think of the right word.

“Different?” Emmett supplied, visibly amused by Justin’s ranting.

Justin sat next to Emmett, Indian style. “That’s an understatement. He’s rude and arrogant…and so sure of himself, while you’re…”

“Sweet? Super-nice? Caring? One of a kind? Extraordinary?” Emmett helpfully suggested, a big smile on his face as he purposely batted his eyes at Justin.

Justin laughed. Emmett was really one of a kind. “Something like that…” Then he added, “Seriously, how do you and he even manage to get along?”

Emmett took a sip of his tea before replying, his gaze softening his words, “You don’t know him like I do…Not that he doesn’t deserve to be taken down a notch or two after the way he treated you.”

Justin shrugged. “No, I don’t know him,” he admitted. “But what little I saw of him I didn’t like.”

Emmett seemed to think for a moment. “I admit Brian isn’t the simplest or friendliest human being on the planet.” In light of Justin’s pointed stare, he smirked. “Okay, scratch that; he is…sarcastic, unapologetic, in your face…” His expression grew more serious as he added, “But he is a good man, believe it or not.”

Justin eyed him skeptically. “You won’t be too surprised if I find that a little hard to believe?”

Emmett pinched his lips so as to stop the smile from appearing on his face in front of Justin’s adamant wish not to cut Brian any slack. Then, he decided to share his story with the man, hoping Justin would understand why they became friends and eventually roommates.

“Brian and I met at summer camp when I was thirteen, not too far from Pittsburgh. I used to go to my Aunt Lula’s for the summer, you know? I told you about her.”

Justin nodded, recalling how Emmett had explained to him one evening a few weeks back how he had managed to acquire such a beautiful living space.

“Well, she thought it would be a good idea for me to meet new friends, since I certainly wasn’t the most popular kid around. So, I went to this camp with all these boys...” Emmett sing-songed playfully, like he was a hot stud at thirteen years old. Truthfully, he had been at an awkward, gangly stage.

Sobering over the thought, he continued his story. “That summer changed a lot of things for me. In fact, that was when I came to understand and accept that I was gay, along with all the implications that came with it.”

Justin could tell by the sound of Emmett’s voice, and the expression on his face, that it must have been an important time in Emmett’s life.

“Before then, I was this scared, shitless little thing that was always alone, hiding, or waiting for the other boys to mock me because of my being…different? I didn’t know at the time what it meant to be gay. Well, I knew, but…I still wasn’t sure of what it meant for me.” He paused, breathing deeply. “I always felt more like the Ugly Duckling back then, you know?” Emmett gazed at Justin with a small, melancholy smile on his face.

“Anyway, Brian and I didn’t meet right away. He was two years older than me, and sleeping in another dorm. So I spent my first days at the camp with my own group, except I was always left behind. Not that it was different from how my day-to-day life was in my own, little hometown. I had always been left out. But at the camp, there was this guy…Billy. Fourteen, beautiful, and… a real jerk! He was harassing me all the time, playing jokes on me, leaving spiders in my bed, peeing in my shampoo, and stealing my clothes at the showers…I was miserable!”

Emmett paused again, allowing a few seconds to pass before continuing. “And then, I met Brian…He was like every other boy, unlike me. I had already seen him walking around the camp, but there had to be about fifty boys maybe that summer? So, I didn’t really notice him, until one night I saw him kissing this guy…” The tone of Emmett’s voice became more colorful then as he began to gesture wildly with his hands. “I was like…Oh, my God!! How can he do that?” and I fled to my dorm as soon as he spotted me drooling in front of the crime scene…” Emmett laughed a little, remembering that memory. Justin couldn’t help but smile, too, imagining Emmett at thirteen years-old, skinny and undoubtedly rather clumsy, with eyes as large as saucers.

“The next day, I was alone, hiding out down by the river in this valley that surrounded the camp, and out of the blue, I saw Brian coming my way. I don’t know how he found me, and I was so sure he was there to beat the shit out of me! But he just stopped in front of me, looked around, muttered a “nice spot” or something, and before I knew it, he was sitting next to me, lighting a cigarette and being…almost nice? I was speechless to say the least. Then, he just looked at me and said, “So, you’re a queer, too?” with this fucking smirk he can have… And then he whispered…”

Emmett paused again, adding some dramatic effect to his speech. Justin understood immediately that this next part of the story had to be important. “He whispered in my ear, “You should be proud of who you are. You could be one hell of a queer if you weren’t so scared of what others might think.” And then, he grazed my neck with his fingers and…he kissed me!” Emmett was smiling by now, the memory obviously being a good, life-altering one.

“He kissed you?” Justin repeated, not expecting this turn of events.

Emmett laughed. “Oh, yes, he did! The first boy who had ever kissed me in my entire life. I was totally in love! For about ten seconds, that is, until he left me sitting there on my own with nothing more than a sarcastic, “See you, princess …”.”

That sounds more like it, Justin couldn’t help but think, grinning. “What happened after that?”

“We became friends, sort of. Not best buddies or anything, but we did spend some time together during the summer. He also told me soon after our first encounter that if Billy ever bothered me again, I should come to find him. And strangely enough, Billy never bothered me after that day. So, I spent the rest of the summer learning discreetly more about my new-self, if you know what I mean…” Emmett winked, his voice a soft purr by now.

So, Brian was actually a good guy? Justin couldn’t really believe he was. He had appeared to be such an asshole to him. “Hmm…So, how come he’s your roommate now? You’ve stayed in touch ever since? Your summer camp, it was, what? Eight years ago, or something like that?”

Emmett finished his can of iced tea before answering Justin’s question. “No, we didn’t stay in touch…Actually, I met him again on Liberty Avenue after I moved there three years ago. He was looking for a place. I was looking for a roommate. It was the perfect arrangement,” Emmett explained, rising to walk over and place his can in the trash.

“Well, you’re way too kind for him, if you ask me…” Justin muttered.

“Don’t judge him too quickly,” Emmett stated quietly, surprising Justin, who looked down at his feet. “He’s not perfect, far from it, but he’s had some tough shit to go through.”

“Haven’t we all…” The words were out of Justin’s mouth before he could do anything to stop them. He noticed Emmett’s interrogating stare – the man having turned back around to look at him concernedly – before he averted his gaze.

Emmett returned to sit next to him. Justin could feel his stare on him. “You know, if you want to talk, I’m a good listener.”

Justin wrung his hands nervously as he stared down at his lap. “I…” He didn’t know what to say. He had never talked about it, not with anyone but his therapist. And even then, it was hard. Painful.

“It’s okay, Justin. You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Emmett softly reassured him, offering him a way out of their conversation.

Almost as if he couldn’t stop himself, though, Justin heard himself confiding in Emmett. “I was bashed at my prom.” He was shocked that he could find the courage to tell anyone else what had happened, as he tentatively raised his head to peer into his friend’s eyes. “Sixteen months ago…”

Emmett’s nonchalant posture instantly disappeared. He stared at Justin in shock. “You…”

“Don’t make me repeat it…” Justin pleaded. Even if the tone of his voice didn’t betray how hard it was for him to talk about it, his physical reaction would. He rubbed his right hand nervously.

“I…” Emmett seemed to ponder what to say next. He finally correctly guessed, “You’re the student whose story was all over the news last year, aren’t you?”

“I… Yes…” Justin confirmed, taking a deep breath to keep his emotions under control.

“Justin, Sweetie…” Emmett tried to touch his hand, but Justin tensed. So, taking his clue, the man just placed his hand on the sofa. “I’m so sorry.”

Justin shrugged, “Don’t be. It’s just a fact. I’m…damaged.”

Emmett retorted immediately, obviously upset by Justin’s opinion of himself. “Surely you don’t think that…”

Justin locked his eyes with Emmett’s and responded, meaning every word, “Of course I do. I’m a loner. I…I can’t stand to be touched! I can’t walk anywhere without having this fucking knot of fear inside of me…” The words seem to spill out of him all at once, and he was grateful that Emmett wasn’t interrupting him, or trying to soothe him with empty words. “Do you know what the worst part is?”

Emmett just shook his head.

“I don’t know if I will ever be okay again. I just don’t know.”

“I…” Emmett opened his mouth and closed it. He was obviously distressed to hear his friend talking about himself in such a manner. Eventually, he said, “I’m not going to tell you what to do, or how to feel, Justin, but you have people around you who love you. Your mother, your sister… and this friend of yours…Daphne?” Emmett questioned, waiting for Justin to nod before going on. “And I’m here, too. I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, and you must feel that’s probably not enough…but you’re not alone, Justin.”

“I know…” Justin whispered, gazing down, grateful for the support, but still finding it hard to accept it.

“And I’m right over there,” Emmett reminded him, nodding with his head in the direction of the main building. “You can come find me, or call me anytime of any day, okay? I mean that.” Without thinking, Emmett impulsively grasped Justin’s forearm momentarily to emphasize his words. Justin felt the touch only briefly before Emmett thought better of it and removed his hand, but his eyes stared a long moment at the place where Emmett’s hand had just touched him.

Gazing up at his companion, a meaningful look passed between them for several seconds as Justin realized Emmett was being sincere. He seemed to genuinely care about him, and even if it wouldn’t resolve the issues he still had, merely realizing that gave him a warm feeling inside, knowing he’d made a new friend. A beautiful friend.

Finally, he whispered, “Okay…”

Emmett smiled sheepishly before announcing in a more cheerful voice, “Come on, then; let’s order some pizza, shall we? I’m starving!” And just like that, Justin smiled, too.

**********************************************************************************

**One month later…**

According to the calendar, winter shouldn’t have arrived yet. Still, the snow had started to fall three days before, plunging the city into some kind of peaceful lethargy. Justin would have loved to admire this purity, the white landscape draping the streets being one of the things he loved the most during the long nights of this beautiful season. But he couldn’t enjoy these moments of peace this time.

Justin had a cold. A really bad cold. His mother had wanted him to come home when he had called her the day before, but Justin had flatly refused, not wanting for her to stop by, either. Why? Because he didn’t want to have to rely on his mother ever again, not after all those months of having to depend upon her for both emotional and financial support.

So, instead he had just asked her to inform the college for him that he would be missing classes for a couple of days. But truthfully, he should have accepted her proposal. It turned out that the heating at his place hadn’t been working properly for some time, if ever, alternating between too much heat and not any heat at all; until, at last, it had finally stopped functioning the night before. Justin knew he should have insisted the landlord either fix or totally replace the damn thing, but he felt like shit, and frankly didn’t feel up to squabbling with the building’s owner at the moment.

He knew his fever must be quite high. He couldn’t set a foot outside his bed; he couldn’t stop himself from shivering all the time, despite his three extra blankets, and he kept coughing over and over. Furthermore, he had already missed two days of class, and wasn’t anywhere close to feeling better, even if he’d spent his day sleeping on and off. To put it simply, he felt awful.

Eventually, acknowledging that he couldn’t stay on his own any longer, he debated briefly about calling his mother and agreeing to her offer to help him, but decided against it, contacting Emmett instead. He didn’t succeed in reaching him, though, and had to settle for leaving a message on his phone before falling back asleep.

**********************************************************************************

**_A few hours later, Emmett and Brian’s apartment…_ **

The nightmare was always the same.

Brian was replaying this last scene, over and over. His mother and sister were sitting in a car parked in the driveway. Brian and his father were inside the house.

He could never recall why they had begun to argue. His relationship with his dad had never been easy, and all he could remember was the two of them standing in the kitchen and yelling at each other again. The more words were uttered, the angrier they both became.

“ _You don’t even try to listen… So what’s the point?”_

_“The point, Sonny Boy, is that you should shut the fuck up! I’m your father! You will do as I say! Don’t you have any respect?”_

_“Respect? Respect?!! Do you even hear what you’re saying? No way! I’m not going with you. You’re blind drunk, for Christ’s sake!”_

_“I’m perfectly able to drive, thank you very much. Now, get your damn ass in that car!”_

_“No…”_

_“What did you just say?”_

_“I said no! Maybe Mom and Claire can listen to your bullshit, but I won’t. And I won’t get into that car.”_

_“Come back here! Brian!”_

Brian always woke up after that, sweating, his heart beating much too fast. But not before hearing one last sound haunting his dreams, the one of loud screeches of a car on the asphalt. It’s quite ironic, considering he wasn’t there when the accident occurred.

He’d seen enough after that to fill in the blanks, though.

**********************************************************************************

Brian couldn’t go back to sleep, so he got up and went to the kitchen for a drink. Emmett was there, sitting at the top-of-the-line kitchen counter situated in the middle of the huge, open area, reading one of those stupid celebrity magazines he enjoyed so much.

Brian looked at the clock on the wall. It was 2:10 AM. “Emmy Lou…You’re still up? Waiting for a late date, maybe?” Brian drawled sarcastically while sauntering over to the fridge. He opened it, grabbed a guava juice bottle, and drank without bothering to take out a glass.

“Hey, Brian…” Emmett answered, smiling at his roommate. “Actually, I’m looking after a friend. You know, the one you scared to death with your shitty behavior?”

“What…That prick?” Brian exclaimed, still holding the bottle in his hand. “Oh, come on! Don’t start with that shit again. It’s not my fault the boy is fucking weird! He is just plain odd. You’ve always had a thing for lost causes, though…” He placed the bottle back in the fridge, and went to plop down onto one of the bar stools.

“Brian…” Emmett reprimanded him sternly, staring at him pointedly.

“What?” Brian frowned at Emmett, the palms of his hands turned up before he suddenly realized something. “Wait…when you say you’re looking after him…”

Emmett grinned mischievously, thoroughly enjoying himself. “Justin is actually in one of the guest rooms…”

“No way,” Brian retorted immediately, not pleased at all with the news. “Why is he even here?”

“He’s sick. Seriously sick. He has pneumonia.” Emmett had found Justin shivering and almost delirious in his apartment. He had immediately called a doctor, who had examined him to reach a diagnosis, and had been persuaded to help bring Justin back to Emmett’s place. Emmett had even called Justin’s mother, finding her number on his phone, to let her know what was going on. She had rushed over earlier in the evening, and had gone to a drugstore to get Justin’s medicine, the one the doctor had prescribed for him to get better. It had taken some convincing on Emmett’s part to persuade Jennifer to leave her son’s side, but in the end, she had relented, but only due to Emmett’s promise to make Justin call her as soon as he felt a little better. For the time being, though, Justin would need to remain here until he had recuperated. “He can’t stay at his studio apartment.”

Brian knew from what Emmett had told him before that Justin was living in some kind of oversized closet somewhere in the building. “Wait…Are you implying what I think you’re implying?”

Emmett grinned again. He was enjoying their bantering way too much. “Absolutely.”

“No way.” Brian was adamant about not having this blond interloper in their living space.

“Way,” Emmett simply responded, returning to casually flip through his magazine again.

“No…Way,” Brian enunciated the words slowly and clearly, hoping for some miracle to happen. It didn’t work.

“Listen, Brian, you have no say in this,” Emmett finally stated. Brian was about to answer, but Emmett didn’t let him. “Except for our friends who are welcome anytime, you spend your time bringing tricks here without my consent; much more than I do, anyway,” he hastily added. He was no prude, either, but on the other hand, at least he confined them to his room when he ‘imbibed,’ while Brian had no problem fucking them anywhere, and on any surface available, including the counter in the kitchen, where they spent most of their time. “So, don’t even try to stop me. Justin is staying. End of story.”

As if to validate Emmett’s words, Brian’s latest trick, one he had surprisingly allowed to stay over after they had fucked, suddenly made an appearance in the kitchen.

“Hey, there,” the beautiful redhead greeted the two of them.

“We’re done. Fuck off, please…” Brian responded curtly, a little uncomfortable that Emmett knew him so well. The redhead didn’t move, apparently surprised to be dismissed in such a manner, so to emphasize his demand, Brian raised his eyebrows and glared at him until, with an indignant huff, he spun around and disappeared from sight. Emmett could swear he heard a muttered “asshole” from the redhead before he left the apartment, the sound of the front door slamming shut confirmation that he had, indeed, gotten the not-so-subtle hint and left.

“Brian…” Emmett reprimanded him again.

“What! I said fuck off…please.” Brian added sarcastically as he smiled sweetly over at his roommate.

Emmett shook his head. “God, you’re unbearable.”

“So, I’ve been told once or twice.” Brian looked at his right hand as he started to nonchalantly play with his fingernails.

Emmett knew by now how to identify Brian’s mood. Three years of living together was a long time. “Another nightmare?” he asked softly, knowing how much that tended to affect his roommate.

Brian refused to look at him, and Emmett was stuck by how heartless his friend could appear one minute, and how vulnerable he could be the next.

Emmett quietly rose from his seat to prepare some hot tea. His Aunt Lula had always made a delicious brew with lemon and honey whenever he was feeling down; since then, it had become a habit Emmett had picked up whenever the situation called for some kind of comfort. Brian bitched at him sometimes, saying he hated it, but Emmett knew better. So, as soon as he finished his preparation, he took the mug of hot tea and went to retrieve an apple from a fruit basket nearby, cutting it into slices before placing the mug and plate in front of his friend. “Here.”

Brian grabbed the edge of the plate, and began to idly spin it around on the counter. He looked at its contents for several seconds before turning to look over at Emmett. “Don’t think I’m okay with him staying here. Because I’m not.”

“Whatever…” Emmett rolled his eyes, and went to check on Justin, leaving his friend brooding alone in the kitchen.

When he returned a few minutes later, however, Brian was gone. But the plate on the kitchen table was empty.


	5. Hesitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: September 2014

_**Pittsburgh, September 2014, one week later…** _

 

Being back in Pittsburgh was unreal. It was like living in a foggy dream, where memories were melding with the images the eyes were looking at, as if the past and the present were entwining together so as to form a surging sensation, impossible to stop or to describe with simple words.

These days Justin’s heart was beating faster than usual. Each scene the city offered him randomly seemed to touch something within him, as if he had awakened a part of himself that had been dormant for several years. He was back, but barely beginning to realize what it really meant.

It had been four weeks since his return, a week since he’d seen Brian and Gus. He was about to visit Emmett – he had never lost touch with his friend – and he was excited and nervous; almost breathless from the swirl of his thoughts. It had been so long since he had set foot in the apartment that had once symbolized so many things. When he had left all those years ago, Justin didn’t take the time to mourn his lost youth; he was too busy forgetting. And it was funny, because now that he was back and about to rediscover a part of his past, it was as if his mind had finally freed itself from its oblivion and was overwhelmed by the remembrance.

What it meant, Justin didn’t want to think about it; because if he did, he was afraid he wouldn’t like the answer.

That day, a few hours after having seen Brian for the first time in eight years, he had stood alone outside on his balcony, the night falling in front of his opened eyes; he had felt something, staring at the piece of paper with the name of his former lover: a brief escape, where his mind had suddenly envisioned the smile of a younger man, looking at him with mischief and a tenderness so clear that for an instant, Justin had to close his eyes, as if the darkness could help stop his mind from remembering.

_“You did it.”_

“ _Did what?”_

_“Open your eyes.”_

_“Brian…”_

_“You’re strong, Justin. You will make it. Whatever happens…you will make it.”_

Justin had taken a deep breath then. Since he had seen Brian and his son, insidious memories had surged back from nowhere, unbidden and uninvited.

But he had to fight them. Brian wasn’t sharing his life anymore. Tyler, his beautiful, thoughtful, and current partner, was.

Justin had called Tyler that night, needing the reassurance of what was real and what was just a surreptitious fragment of his irrelevant past. Something that didn’t exist anymore.

His voice had soothed him, like a balm on an open wound, pushing his overwhelming thoughts back into the shadows, even though he had preferred that they would simply vanish, never to return.

Justin truly believed that he and Tyler could spend a lifetime together. And yet at times, doubt invaded him. He didn’t know why. All he knew was that it was easier to bury the doubt and live with the hope. So he did.

Tyler came from a rich family. His dad had built an early fortune as a software inventor, working his entire life until, at fifty-one, he died from a heart attack, the same way he’d always lived: behind his impressive CEO desk. Alone.

His wife and his seven-year-old son had inherited a fortune. Tyler had taken advantage of the money as soon as he’d turned eighteen, and had opened a gallery in New York City, devoting himself to his passion – sculpture. Tyler’s mother shared her time between New York and Italy, and when her son met Justin, Tyler decided to take advantage of that opportunity and live in Europe for a couple of years, asking Justin to go with him.

Justin had loved the two years he’d recently spent in Italy. It had been like another life, where they had enjoyed each and every place they have been to, travelling through Europe numerous times when their schedules had allowed them to. Or more precisely, when Justin was available, as he was adamant about making a living on his own without having to rely on his partner. In the last couple of years, he’d worked as a bartender, a waiter, and an assistant teacher, or he simply practiced his art in the streets sometimes. He was eventually hired to work as a graphic artist by a woman who had noticed his talent during a warm summer day in Milan’s Galleria Vittorio Emmanuele II, one of the most beautiful ‘streets’ of the city.

Tyler didn’t necessarily understand his partner. Ambition had taken his father away from him when he had been just a boy, and consequently he had always resented people who placed their career above their personal life. Furthermore, he could have taken care of Justin without either of them having to work on a daily basis. Yet, he tried as much as possible to respect his partner’s decision to make a living by himself, as long as Justin didn’t put his professional life ahead of their relationship.

Still now more than ever, Justin was worried about the impact that their return to the US would have on their relationship. Tyler had been supportive of his decision to come back and take this job in his hometown, but now that Justin was really here, in Pittsburgh, he realized he should have been more honest and straightforward with his partner.

Truthfully, there were so many things Tyler didn’t know. Justin’s life was like a closed book, the back cover being the only part that Tyler had been allowed to read. He just knew the main parts: that Justin had been rejected by his father, and been attacked at his prom for being gay. After his recovery, he had gone to college and fallen in love at nineteen years old before deciding to leave for Chicago a few years later when he turned twenty-three. Suffice to say, Justin didn’t tell Tyler the whole truth about his past. Just a few lines.

Justin and Tyler got along very well. They were both in their thirties, driven by their passion for beauty and fascination with details, even regarding the most insignificant of things. They could spend hours talking and laughing together. And the sex was good; great even.

Tyler was the perfect guy. The perfect lover. The perfect partner.

He was perfect. He was perfect. So, why was Justin repeating the words in his head over and over again?

**********************************************************************************

Brian walked upstairs almost without thinking, his feet slipping slightly on the polished marble surface of the steps, as he ascended the ornate staircase that led to the third floor.

A moment later, he was standing in front of Emmett’s door, refusing to question himself on the real reason for his presence. His official excuse? It’d been three weeks since he’d seen his former roommate, and he was bored. Michael was away on a comic book convention somewhere, and Lindsay had organized a gathering with seven of Gus’s friends. Brian might be a better father than he’d expected to be, but there were still limits that even he wouldn’t cross. Being amongst eight rambunctious kids definitely fit that category; at least today.

He could have gone and seen Ted, but he wasn’t that desperate. Theodore Schmidt, his CFO, had become a good friend over the passing years, but he saw him more than enough during the week.

So, here he was, standing in this elegant corridor, refusing to acknowledge his restlessness. His repressed emotions were locked firmly behind his facade of indifference. If not for the slight pause he took before making his presence known, nothing could have betrayed that he was, indeed, troubled by the return of his former lover.

He knocked on the door and waited. He briefly thought that he could hear some voices coming from inside, confirming that Emmett was home, but not alone. Maybe Drew Boyd was there, too. Those two seemed to be inseparable these days.

He wasn’t prepared for him, though. He had always congratulated himself on being able to appear cool and unaffected in every possible situation. Yet, this situation was, once again, not an expected one for Brian Kinney.

“Hey…” The single word rang in the air, echoing somewhere deep within Brian’s mind.

Justin was standing in front of him, his right hand resting on the door frame. Brian’s heart began to beat faster, as he froze and stared down at the hand he’d known intimately. At the same time, he could hear an incoherent whisper in his head, where words like ‘unbelievable,’ ‘react,’ ‘beautiful,’ and ‘move’, were melting and swirling around, almost mocking him.

“ _Fuck!”_

_“Here… let me.”_

_“I’m okay. My hand is just a little tired, that’s all.”_

_“I’m sure it is, Sunshine. Now, shut up and relax. You can bitch at me later…”_

Emmett’s voice in the background a few moments afterward brought him back from his unexpected trance, and he finally gazed up into Justin’s eyes. His former lover was looking at him intently, obviously noticing something was off in his behavior.

“Brian?” Emmett greeted him, surprised to see him standing there. “What are you doing here?” He inquired, his eyes taking in the scene in front of him: two unprepared former lovers, with unresolved issues, trying to figure out how to act around one another.

Brian cleared his throat, his eyes lingering a few more seconds on Justin before eventually looking at his friend. “I was bored…,” he finally explained in true Kinney fashion, tongue-in-cheek, earning a rolling of the eyes from Emmett.

“Right…And you had no way at all to entertain yourself, so you thought you would do me the honor of your presence by dropping by?”

“Something like that,” Brian volunteered with a shrug.

“Well…” Emmett tried to think of some better way to deal with this situation, before acknowledging that he was clueless on how he should act around these two. Justin was uncomfortable, as was Brian, but at the same time, there was something else going on here. What it was, though, Emmett didn’t know.

He was torn. Should he invite Brian in? Or should he tell him to come back another time? When Justin had left Brian, he had made it clear he didn’t want to hear about his former lover again. But it had been the words of a heartbroken man, and it had happened a long time ago. They weren’t the same men anymore.

Lately, Emmett had noticed that Justin seemed to have made peace with this part of his past. During their most recent conversations on the phone, he had even joked about a couple of unforgettable memories they had all shared, back when they’d lived together, right in the place in which they were presently standing. Without pronouncing Brian’s name even once, Justin had insinuated with a few words that he was ready to see him again.

What the hell… Emmett thought, “Come on in, then. Justin and I were about to share the latest gossip and bask in the knowledge that we have so much better judgment and taste than everyone else,” Emmett joked, winking at Justin, who just smiled in response as he averted his gaze downward momentarily.

“You’re sure?” Brian inquired, peering over at Emmett. Then, his eyes found Justin’s and Emmett understood that Brian’s next words weren’t meant for him. They were meant for a former lover, proof of the deep bond they had shared once. “If you’re not comfortable with me being here, I can leave…”

The silence dragged on for just an instant. Yet, Emmett could hear it nonetheless. The hope that Brian still harbored unconsciously… that somehow, some way, he could have changed the outcome. Truthfully, it was so out of character for a man like him to act as thoughtfully as he was behaving right now. But Justin wasn’t just anybody. He was the only man Brian had allowed to get close to him. He had never opened up like that to anyone ever since.

“It’s okay, you can stay,” Justin finally responded softly. “Come on in.”

Relieved, Emmett retreated toward the kitchen area, while Justin pushed the door completely open to allow Brian to enter. Brian didn’t move at first, but eventually, he crossed the threshold.

Before he proceeded any further, however, Brian unexpectedly grabbed Justin’s forearm.

Justin shivered. He peered down at Brian’s hand on his arm, before gazing up as his former lover’s eyes bored into him. Brian hesitated before saying simply, “Thank you,” and releasing his grip.

They felt the spark; it was inevitable. Desire was something so powerful, dangerous.

Something that neither of them could deny still existed.

*******************************************************************************

_**Twenty minutes later…** _

“…And Michael let this guy come over here, the one who had hit on him all night, only to discover he had bought this HUGE ass and cock package you can find on the net, to compensate for his own shortcomings.”

Emmett, Justin and Brian were sitting around the kitchen counter, chatting and joking about everything and nothing. The discussion had slowly digressed to the night when Gus had been born, and Emmett was regaling Justin with all the juicy little details that he remembered from that event.

“I’d always known choosing Michael as my new roommate would be fun. I just didn’t know how much!” Emmett stated cheerfully, before taking a sip of his coffee. Then, he turned to look at Brian and asked purposely, “You remember that night, Brian?”

Brian stared at him pointedly, pinching his lips to stop the smile from appearing on his face, amused by the obvious ploy his friend was using to make him talk about Gus.

Eventually he responded, shrugging, “Yeah… Michael had dumped me for a lousy fuck. I’ve always known he was just a big prick, using me as a…Ouch!” He exclaimed, after Emmett punched him playfully on the arm.

“Behave, Kinney,” Emmett reprimanded him, a grin on both their faces, while Justin – who was sitting at the other side of the counter – just shook his head, a little smile playing on his lips. Some things hadn’t changed with the passing of years.

Brian went on, “I got the call at one in the morning…” then, he chuckled before adding, “while I was getting a bad blow job in the backroom of Babylon. Story of my life…”

He raised his eyebrows, picking up the spoon from his empty cup of coffee. “So, I went to save Michael from his pathetic stalker, and after having thrown the stupid guy out of his place we headed to face our destiny,” Brian overstated teasingly, smirking as if Michael was in any way involved with Gus’s conception.

Eventually, Brian paused. He was staring at the spoon he was playing with. “And then…” He took a deep breath before gazing up at Justin, “Gus was there. And…I was a fucking father…”

He tried to hide from his voice the unexpected pride he had felt that night. After all, Brian Kinney didn’t do emotional displays, ever. Yet, as he recalled that night, his smiling eyes stayed on Justin’s face a moment too long, revealing his true feelings. Brian was deeply in love with his son, and Justin suspected he had been since the very first moment he had laid eyes on him.

However, there was still one question that Justin was dying to ask Brian, even if now was not the right time.

You didn’t want Lindsay to keep the baby. What could have possibly changed your mind?

So Justin asked instead, “Gus…You do realize it was the name of my teddy bear, right?”

“I do…” Brian replied after a few seconds, not wanting to lie. Yet, he wasn’t sure that acknowledging the truth was a good thing. It only validated that he hadn’t forgotten.

To cover his discomfort, he added quickly, “But hey! It was either Gus or Abraham! It’s not like I had a fucking choice.”

“Of course…” Justin laughed. But he wasn’t fooled.

Just then Brian’s phone rang, and the man looked at the screen, frowning. “I have to take this,” he announced before standing up to walk a few steps away.

Justin’s gaze followed Brian’s silhouette. A few seconds later, the man stopped, standing there in the middle of the adjacent living room, listening to the caller’s voice on the other end.

Justin was surprised that he could still recognize the sighs. But he did. Apparently whoever was on the phone was not the bearer of good news. Maybe it even had to do with Brian’s father. Brian had always been unable to hide his moods when it involved the man ‘who had impregnated his mother.’ His words, not Justin’s.

Sure enough, Brian clapped his cell shut, but he didn’t move immediately. He sighed, eventually turning around to rejoin them.

“I have to go.”

“Is everything okay?” Emmett asked worriedly.

“Nothing unusual. Just another crisis.” Brian stated it like it was not important. Emmett and Justin glanced at each other, both understanding who Brian was referring to.

Brian nodded goodbye at Emmett before looking at Justin. “It was good to see you again.”

“You, too,” Justin agreed, standing up.

Brian was about to turn around, but Justin’s voice stopped him. “Do you mind if I call you so we can have a drink or something one of these days?”

Justin held his breath. He couldn’t believe he had actually suggested to Brian that they meet for a drink. What the fuck was he thinking? Furthermore, if the look on both Emmett and Brian’s faces was any indication, they were actually thinking the same thing. But truthfully, Brian intrigued him. He wasn’t the same man anymore. What happened to this man? Justin wanted to know. He had so many unanswered questions now that Brian had reappeared in his life. He needed answers.

He just needed answers.

Brian frowned. He had almost forgotten that he had given his business card to Justin a week earlier at the movie theater. He didn’t really think he would call him anyway. Why would he want to see him, when he had been so adamant about erasing him completely from his life? This was not supposed to happen. Justin wasn’t supposed to care anymore.

Brian didn’t have the time to think about it, though. He had another urgent matter that needed his immediate attention. So, he simply responded, “I told you. You can call me anytime.”

“Okay.”

“I have to go,” Brian repeated; he didn’t know what else to say.

“Sure. Go,” Emmett intervened, sensing the tangible awkwardness between his two friends increasing more and more.

So Brian left, finally leaving the two other men alone.

Justin knew what was coming. Sure enough, Emmett’s voice rang in his ears as soon as the sound of the front door being shut echoed in the apartment. “What the hell just happened?”

“I don’t know.” Justin closed his eyes, annoyed at himself, before he peered concernedly at his friend. “I just…didn’t think. Obviously.” He signed deeply, bowing his head and brushing his hand nervously through his hair.

Emmett looked at his friend. “You really want Brian to be a part of your life again?” There was a huge difference between meeting the man randomly and being the one asking the man out.

“I don’t know!” Justin exclaimed, as he started pacing. He stopped after a few steps, waving his arm in the direction of the front door, the same front door that Brian had just exited through a moment ago. “I just…I don’t know that man. It’s him, but it’s not. It’s…” He was so frustrated by this situation, and most of all, by himself.

“Justin…Sweetie…I’m not going to tell you what to do. You’re a grown man, not this scared shitless yet strong boy I met twelve years ago.” Emmett tried to get his friend’s attention. Justin was still pretty agitated, his gaze now peering towards the light coming from the window.

“But if you let Brian be a part of your life again...” Justin finally looked at him. “You will not be able to go back...” Emmett paused, hoping the silence will emphasize his next words. “Not this time around…”

Justin almost winced. Emmett was right, of course. But Justin was still curious to know the reason why Emmett felt that way. “Why are you telling me this?”

Emmett stood up, coming closer to where Justin was standing. “Brian isn’t the fucked-up young man you knew anymore. I’m not saying that he’s the most well-balanced human being, either. He still is narcissistic, unapologetic, manipulative…”

Justin raised his eyebrows. “But he’s more…he’s…” Emmett paused, obviously thinking about a word he could use, “…mature? For lack of another word. If mature and Brian Kinney in the same sentence can actually make sense.”

Justin laughed nervously. Brian. Mature. The Earth must have stopped spinning when it happened.

Then, Emmett’s expression changed into more of a thoughtful gaze. “I just…I don’t want either of you to get hurt…again.”

And THAT was the real reason.

Justin couldn’t just barge into Brian’s life. First, there were Tyler. Justin wasn’t sure he would be inclined to accept Brian in his life, knowing that his partner had shared a life with him for four years, but hadn’t supposedly found that piece of information important enough to share with him when he had decided to move back.

Then, there was Brian himself. Justin didn’t know if the man really wanted them to reconnect at all, or just be friends. Because friendship was the only relationship he could offer him. Moreover, when he had left Brian, he had hurt him deeply. Funny how his mind could have purposely forgotten the pain he had inflicted with his leaving. Naturally, Justin had been too busy dealing with his own feelings.

So, what the fuck was he going to do?


	6. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ♦ The Past: November 2002

**_November 2002, Emmett’s place…_ **

****

The first time Justin woke up, he discerned the shape of his friend through heavy eyelids, sitting and lost in thought in an adjacent armchair.

Justin vaguely wondered where he was, but the thought had barely crossed his mind before he fell back asleep.

The second time Justin woke up, the room he was in was plunged into darkness. He felt a panic invade him, and forced himself to inhale and exhale deeply to try and get a grip on his irrational fear, but the action caused him to be overwhelmed by a sudden fit of coughing. Therefore, he had to wait a few minutes to succeed in having his breathing under control before he could even think of getting up from the king-sized bed he was in. Still, as he began to move, he felt an intense pain in his head and had to close his eyes. He leaned back, and when the pain subsided he felt an unwanted but powerful dizziness take its place.

He tried to focus his thoughts. And then, nothing. He was asleep again.

The third time Justin woke up, he was alone again, but he could hear loud music coming from another room. Daylight was seeping into the space by the large window situated on his left, and through the dark, closed curtains draped in front of it.

Justin wanted to stand up. Even with the pain in his head still there, he managed to sit on the right edge of the bed. He breathed cautiously before he finally attempted to rise, but his legs betrayed him, seemingly not strong enough to support his weight and causing him to sit back down. Feeling weaker than he had been in months, he started to cough again and had to concentrate on controlling his body’s reactions. Then he let his gaze travel to study the space he was in.

_Where am I?_

The only explanation he could think of was that this place had to be Emmett’s apartment. The room he was in was as big as his whole room. A beautiful, light-blue wallpaper with small silver diamonds adorned the walls, and the dark wooden floor felt warm under his feet. A simple, yet elegant gray dresser had been placed under the window, as well as a small, antique desk near the door.

Blurred images crossed his mind, and he vaguely remembered his friend coming to his place with another man. The brunet – probably a doctor - had examined him, but Justin had been too weak to object, or even to react at all. Consequently, the more plausible explanation was that Emmett and this man had decided that he could not stay on his own, and had brought him back to this apartment. At least, he hadn’t been hospitalized, a fact he was really thankful for.

Getting up again, slowly this time, Justin realized he was only wearing a pair of black underwear and a white shirt. Yet, he didn’t care. He was really thirsty, so he decided to try and exit the room he was in to find a glass of water. He could only hope that Emmett was here somewhere, and that Brian Fucking Kinney would be gone.

Taking a few unsteady steps toward the door in front of him, he succeeded in reaching it and paused, catching his breath, before turning the golden handle. However, he was not prepared for the show he was about to witness in the living room; if he had suspected what was going on, he would have chosen to stay in his bed and die from dehydration instead.

Why? Because Brian was there. Stark naked. And he wasn’t alone.

He was fucking a man on a brown, old leather couch. The living room was adjacent to the bedroom Justin was staying in: the couch, a coffee table and two Voltaire chairs were situated around a beautiful fireplace, right in front of Justin, and therefore he had a perfect view of the two men’s activity. By now, he could also hear them groaning and moaning in obvious pleasure over the loud music, with Brian’s eyes tightly shut and his mouth open as he fucked the man kneeling in front of him with wild abandon, the two of them fast approaching their climax.

Justin was frozen to his spot. Seeing these two men fucking in front of him was bringing a lot of emotions bubbling to the surface. Of course, he was petrified to be there, but truthfully it wasn’t the hardest part to deal with.

The ordeal he had gone through since being left to die on the cold cement floor of a parking garage had taken away any desire he should feel for other men, and the mere thought of being touched again was too much to bear. Consequently, he hadn’t had sex in more than seventeen months.

Yet, here he was, standing immobile and feeling like a fool, while his eyes couldn’t look away from him. And then, Brian opened his eyes, and time seemed to stand still.

Justin could swear that the moment kept going on for an eternity; yet in reality, it had to be only a few seconds. Brian stared back at him intently as he kept thrusting into the man in front of him. His hazel eyes were shining with desire, his hair plastered to his forehead, wet with perspiration, a thin sheen of sweat covering his skin as his hips repeatedly rocked back and forth against the other man’s warm body, again and again.

Then, Justin heard him groan louder and Brian’s eyes finally shut; the brunet came, his forehead on the other man’s shoulder, his face transforming into a mask of pure bliss as his muffled moans of pleasure echoed deep within Justin.

Justin felt his heart race, and for an instant he thought that his chest was going to explode. In a way it did, because he began to cough uncontrollably, his sudden physical reaction bringing him back to reality.

He reached for the handle of the door and escaped back into his room. As he closed the door behind him, he let his legs fail him and finally sank to the floor, his knees bent in front of him.

He tried to catch his breath, the back of his head resting against the hard surface of the door, and the image of Brian’s naked form – the features of his face as he came and moaned in pleasure – haunting his thoughts for a long moment.

**************************************************************************

Seeing those two men having sex and loving every second of it, Justin had realized that he had to do something, _anything_ , regarding his irrational fear of being touched. He couldn’t just go through the motions for the rest of his life, and expect that one day, all of a sudden, he would be better.

Brian oozed sex. All about him: his body, his voice, his gestures, his alluring looks… it all screamed ‘ _I’m the hottest man alive_.’ Justin wasn’t sure he had ever encountered a man as confident and comfortable in his own skin as Brian seemed to be. He was everything Justin wasn’t. A perfect antitheses. And it made Justin _feel_ , even if he couldn’t identify exactly what it meant.

****************************************************************************

After a few minutes of attempting to calm the raging emotions coursing through his body, Justin felt his weariness beginning to overtake him, causing his thoughts to drift away as his eyes closed unwillingly. Managing to return to his bed, he was asleep again within seconds.

He was awakened a couple of hours later by Emmett’s soft voice. “Justin?”

“Em…” Justin answered with difficulty, as he fought to open his eyes. He felt miserable and groggy. He blinked and tried to focus for a moment to gather his thoughts, but there was only one word forming in his head. “Thirsty…”

Emmett, who was sitting on the elegant chair by the bed, jumped to his feet. “Oh, of course, Sweetie! Water and meds coming right up!” He disappeared through the door and came back a moment later, a bottle of water in one hand and two pills in the other. “Here…Take your meds. But be careful,” he warned Justin before sitting back in his chair.

By now Justin was half-sitting, half-lying on the bed; he grabbed the pills Emmett offered him and popped them into his mouth. Then he drank several small gulps of water slowly, in hope that he wouldn’t cough too much, but it was an impossible challenge. His throat was too raw.

When he finally succeeded in controlling his breathing again, he replied with a simple, “Thanks.” He looked straight at his friend for the first time since waking up to add, “I feel almost human again.” Truthfully, he didn’t feel much better, but at least his thirst had slightly decreased.

“You’re welcome,” Emmett replied, crossing his legs before peering at Justin concernedly. “How are you feeling, really? You kind of scared me, you know?”

Justin tried to respond honestly. “I’m feeling…my head hurts…And my throat. My chest, too.” Then, as he tried to sit up completely and too fast, he felt the dizziness beginning to invade again. “Fuck!”

Emmett went to his friend’s aid immediately. He didn’t directly touch him, but with a nod at Justin to lean forward, he readjusted his pillow and the warm, blue cover, allowing him to sit more comfortably. “Easy, Tiger…You have pneumonia. You have to rest as much as possible.”

Justin frowned, wincing slightly because of the soreness he could feel in every muscle of his body. “Pneumonia?”

Emmett nodded. “Yes. That room of yours had not helped at all. When I went over there with Dr. Pearson, I thought I was hallucinating. The place was almost as cold as it was outside! What happened to your heating?”

Justin closed his eyes again momentarily, and used his hands to reposition himself on the bed. “It died.”

“Well, you can’t stay there, so you’re going to stay here. In fact, at the very minimum you are spending the winter with us. There is absolutely no way you’re going back to that place again,” Emmett stated firmly, hoping it would deter his friend from refusing his proposal.

But of course Justin chose to be stubborn, looking anywhere but at Emmett as he retorted, “I can just replace the heating. I‘m NOT moving here.”

“Justin…,” Emmett warned, trying to get his friend to look at him. When Justin met his eyes, and when he was sure that he had his attention, he countered with his best argument. He was certain that his friend would change his mind after he heard what he had to say about Justin’s refusal. “It’s either my place…Or your _mom_ ’s place.”

Sure enough, Justin reacted immediately. “What? No! It’s completely out of the question that I ever…” His agitation caused him to suffer from another fit of coughing. He had to pause before being able to finish his sentence. “…go back to my mom’s.”

“Well, try to stop her!” Emmett huffed. Then, in front of Justin’s confused stare, he explained, “I had to call her, Justin. I needed to know about your medical history, and believe me, your mother was on a mission when she came here. I even thought she would move in here, too, if I’d let her,” he half-joked, partly convinced she would have if he had allowed her.

Emmett had been pretty impressed with how Justin’s mother had reacted. She had been extremely worried about Justin’s condition, and Emmett had had a hard time convincing her that Justin needed to stay here. He knew his friend didn’t want to be a burden to his mother, but Emmett could also tell that Jennifer loved her son unconditionally, as every mother should love her child, and therefore it was only natural that she would want to take care of him, to protect him, even more so since he had been attacked. Emmett couldn’t help but think that Justin was lucky to have Jennifer in his life.

Nevertheless, he had respected Justin’s wishes and had asked Jennifer Taylor to trust him to take care of her son. It hadn’t been easy to persuade her, but Justin must have already talked to his mother about him, because she finally relented and agreed to allow her son to remain under his care, but only with the condition that he NOT return to his studio apartment.

Looking in amusement at his friend’s expression of dismay, he quickly added, “Fortunately for you, my natural charm worked its spell on your mom. You have to call her, though, or I’m pretty sure she will come back here for fear that we might let you starve and meet an untimely death in this room. And just so you know, if you don’t agree to stay here, she will not let you return to your room, either.”

Justin signed deeply, seemingly exhausted already. He had dark circles under his eyes and his skin was paler than usual. Emmett suspected he would need to rest a lot more in the next few days to regain his strength.

Justin knew his mother meant well, and that it must have taken a lot of restraint to not insist he return home with her. He was genuinely grateful, therefore, that she apparently understood why he needed to do this on his own. And staying at Emmett’s, even if it meant breathing the same air as Brian and having to share the same space he was in, was the only solution he had for now. Truthfully, even HE knew he couldn’t go back to his studio apartment.

“Okay, I’ll call her,” Justin finally agreed, taking another sip from the water bottle he had placed on the bedside table nearby. He peered over at his friend, who was gazing at him with a knowing smile, and he couldn’t help but grin a little as he officially relented, “Okay! You win. I will stay here for the time being.”

Just then, he suddenly grabbed his head, as a deep stab of pain lanced through his skull. “Fuck!” Justin took a couple of slow breaths, waiting for the pain to subside before asking, “How much time have I been out, anyway?”

“About eighteen hours on and off, as far as I know. Brian told me you woke up a couple of hours ago?” Emmett asked. Justin looked at him strangely, wondering exactly WHAT Brian had told him.

Noticing his friend’s quizzical stare, Emmett explained, “I had to go out for a little while earlier today, and I asked him to stay and keep an eye on you, since he had some free time and wasn’t planning on going out.”

Justin grinned sarcastically then. Fucking prick. “He just told you he’d seen me?” Then, he muttered under his breath, “Asshole…”

In front of Emmett’s interrogating gaze, Justin added disdainfully, “I saw him alright. He was fucking some guy on the couch.”

Emmett signed deeply as a shadow crossed his gaze. “Of course…” He seemed genuinely upset that Brian could act so carelessly. “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have a phone call to make to my roommate.”

He stood up, but didn’t move right away. He searched for his cell in his pockets, but couldn’t find it. Before leaving the room to look for it, he added, “Call your mother. And then I’ll bring you something to eat.”

“Emmett, wait! Don’t…” Justin called out to his friend as he was about to move from his spot next to the bed.

Justin didn’t want Emmett and Brian to have a falling out because of him. He shouldn’t even be here in the first place, and if not for Emmett’s kindness, he wouldn’t be. So what if Brian was an asshole to him? He would deal with it, one way or the other. “I don’t like him, but I don’t want to be the cause of a disagreement or falling out between you two, either.”

Emmett didn’t look convinced, though. He was obviously about to protest, but Justin didn’t let him. “Hey…I appreciate you being angry on my behalf. Really, I do.” Justin gazed intently into Emmett’s eyes, letting him know that he was being sincere. “But it’s not worth it. And besides, I have this feeling he isn’t too pleased with me being here, either. Am I right?”

Emmett raised his eyebrows, the look on his face confirming Justin’s assumption. After a pause, he simply stated, “You let me deal with him.”

Justin nodded. “Okay. But if I’m going to stay here for the time being, please let it go.” He didn’t need Brian to be pissed at him — more than he must already be because of him staying here anyway.

Emmett sighed. Justin could see he wasn’t happy about it, but he finally relented. “Okay.” He returned to sit on the edge of the bed. “I’m going to get you something to eat, then. You need to regain your strength.”

“Okay…” Justin agreed. He wasn’t really hungry, but Emmett was right. He had to eat if he wanted to get better.

However, by the time Emmett came back a few minutes later, Justin had fallen back asleep.

*********************************************

**_‘The Little Library,’ two hours later…_ **

The _Little Library_ was a beautiful bookstore that had existed for over a century. Relatively small, the place had a well-established reputation, and its owner – a middle-aged man who looked like a real librarian, with small round glasses attached to a chain hanging around his neck, graying hair, and a light blue shirt with suspenders under a dark green, vintage style cardigan – had been in love with the store since he had been just a boy. The smell of the books, the feel of the pages under his fingers…more than a bookstore, the charming, old space represented his life; and his deep knowledge of the literature had kept the shop alive and healthy, even when the advent of mass market and online booksellers had begun to dominate the market, and others had fallen by the wayside.

Mr. Grant was also a friend of one Mrs. Novotny; they had attended high school together, and when his old classmate had asked for his help, he had agreed to hire Brian part-time, since truth be told he should have hired someone a long time ago anyway. That was four years ago. Since then, the young man had worked hard to gain the man’s trust, secretly grateful for the second chance he had been given to have a future.

Moreover, the salary wasn’t half-bad. Between this job, and a few extra shifts he was working at the diner and Babylon, Brian could pay the majority of his expenses for the Institute, using his father’s money to cover only the part he couldn’t afford to pay himself, so he could still go to college, even if his education had been delayed due to the accident.

He had started college six months after the car crash. He should have started earlier – he had been awarded a scholarship to cover his tuition fees – but he had been uncontrollable back then, and had almost lost himself in the process. If it had not been for Jesse and Michael, he would have certainly been dead by now.

His situation didn’t allow him to go to Carnegie Mellon full-time. He needed to work, but he had managed to agree on a schedule with the dean in order to complete his education. The dean had been lenient and had allowed Brian to keep his scholarship, but the young man had been told in no uncertain terms that this would be his last chance. If he fucked it up this time, it would be over.

Brian was also lucky enough not to have to pay rent, but he did pitch in to help pay for expenses whenever he could. He didn’t know what he would have done without his friends and Debbie. And even if he never said it, he knew how much he owed them.

He was a hard worker. He wanted to become someone, to achieve his goals and escape a life of needs and small jobs. Ambition and success were the keys to his exit plan. He was one year away from having his degree; he planned on getting an internship in one of the most prestigious advertising firms of Pittsburgh in a few months. And failing wasn’t an option.

Now, as he stood near the bookstore’s massive shelves, classifying some new books that had been delivered earlier in the day, he heard one of his friends greeting him.

“Brian.”

He didn’t turn around, but labeled the book he was holding in his hand. His eyes lingered on its cover before he searched for the proper place on the shelf in front of him. Satisfied with the placement, he reached for yet another book, climbing up onto a sliding, black ladder located nearby.

“Jesse, what the fuck are you doing here? I’m busy,” he advised the other boy as if it were an afterthought. He slid the book into its proper place before climbing back down the ladder to head toward the store’s counter situated in the middle of the room.

Jesse followed Brian. “I was looking for you…”

Brian picked up a book and frowned, staring at the back cover. “What? You, too? Damn…I really must be a sex god,” he uttered casually with a smirk. He glanced toward the far corner of the room where the historical books were displayed.

“I need someone for an extra shift tonight. Seth is sick, and we can’t let the men go thirsty. It’s not good for business.” Jesse knew Brian wouldn’t accept willingly, but he still hoped his friend would help him.

“I thought you wanted to quit. The Sap is a fucking moron,” Brian drawled as he stepped back to study the adjacent shelf.

Brian and Gary Saperstein were anything but best buddies. In fact, they barely could stand each other, and Brian had no doubts that if not for him being so fucking hot and filling in occasionally as a bartender at Babylon, he would have been banned from there a long time ago. But the tips were pretty good, and even if Brian hated it he couldn’t be too difficult. However, tonight was not a good time. Brian had a test in two days, and he couldn’t afford to screw it up.

“Ask Michael,” Brian replied absentmindedly. Walking toward the English literature shelf, he searched for the right spot before placing the now-labeled book he was holding in his hand where it belonged.

Jesse shook his head. “He can’t. He has inventory to do at the Big Q, or some shit like that.”

“Fuck, Jesse! I need to study tonight!” Brian exclaimed unhappily. He knew he couldn’t ask Emmett to cover for him, either, as he was too busy playing Florence Nightingale to his little protégé. And Theodore wasn’t an option; the man would just scare the clients away.

“Study? Is that what you’re calling it now?” Jesse inquired playfully, as if all the ‘studying’ Brian intended to do would be conducted under the sheets.

“Yeah. Believe it or not, I don’t receive good grades just by letting my professors suck me for free,” Brian retorted knowingly as he refiled a few misplaced manuals.

“Really?” Jesse quipped. Lowering his voice so a female patron approaching them could not overhear them, he asked in wonder, “You actually fuck them, too?”

Brian being sucked by one of his professors in the man’s office while an entire class had been waiting for them in the amphitheater was a legendary story that everybody had heard about on Liberty Avenue, even though Brian seemed oddly reticent about discussing it. But Jesse knew better. Brian loved the attention way too much.

“Fuck you!” Brian whispered back with a scowl, pushing his friend away with his right hand. Sighing, he finally peered directly at Jesse for the first time since he got there to ask, “What time?”

“Ten to two,” Jesse announced innocently, trying hard to keep the smile off his face. He knew he had won.

Brian raised his eyebrows and glared at his friend. “You owe me,” he eventually declared, before leaving Jesse standing in the middle of the bookstore to head towards the office situated at the back.

“And you love me!” Jesse responded loudly, not bothering to hide his grin now. “See you later, Kinney.”

**********************************************************************

_**Four hours later, Emmett’s apartment…** _

Justin was sitting on a bar stool by the kitchen counter. He had just finished his call with his mother — having finally felt good enough to get out of bed a few minutes ago while Emmett was busy fixing him a sandwich — when Brian made an appearance with another man Justin had never seen before.

The man was tall and graceful, with a thin but beautifully toned body. He had glasses, which perfectly highlighted his green eyes, and thick, brown hair. He was wearing a pair of jeans, a green hoodie, and a brown leather jacket. Truthfully, he was a very attractive man; at least Justin would have thought so if he was able to feel any real desire for a man lately.

Brian didn’t bother acknowledging Justin’s presence — or even Emmett’s, for that matter — as he headed towards the hallway situated at the back of the living room, leaving the man with Justin and Emmett.

Emmett had told Justin that Brian worked at a library a few blocks away, and was expected home soon. Still, he seemed surprised to see the other man.

“Jesse? What are you doing here?” Emmett greeted his friend, giving him a hug. Jesse hugged him back before stepping back to study Justin curiously.

“Brian is working with me tonight. Seth is sick,” Jesse explained as he walked closer to Justin. The blond could feel himself tensing up already. Not that the man seemed to be a threat or anything. He just couldn’t help it. New faces made him want to disappear.

“Oh, poor thing…Hope it’s not too bad?” Emmett questioned. He knew Seth from the numerous nights he had spent at Babylon, _enjoying_ himself.

“Not that I’m aware of…” Jesse responded as he stepped closer to Justin’s side, intending to introduce himself, a friendly, warm look on his face.

“I’m Jesse.” He reached out for Justin’s hand, but Justin didn’t react.

“Justin,” Justin simply responded, feeling a little uncomfortable. Jesse must think that he was being rude - and that he looked like hell, too, wearing Emmett’s bathrobe - but strangely enough, the man didn’t seem to mind.

Emmett suddenly realized he hadn’t introduced his two friends. “Oh, sorry… where are my manners? Justin, this is Jesse. Jesse, this is Justin. He is going to stay with us for a while.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Jesse stated cheerfully. Then, he explained, “Emmett had talked to me about you. So you’re the man in the secret room…” he smiled and winked at Emmett.

“Secret room, my ass…” Justin heard Brian’s response before he saw him return. He tensed immediately, as Brian finally appeared in his line of vision. He had visibly changed his clothes, and was wearing a tight, black top and faded blue jeans that emphasized his body perfectly.

Why Justin noticed, he had no clue.

Brian reached over to grab the sandwich Emmett had left momentarily in a plate on the counter when he had been interrupted by the arrival of his two friends, taking a bite without permission.

“Brian! That isn’t for you!” Emmett reprimanded him, walking towards his roommate with the obvious goal of snatching the sandwich from his hands.

Ignoring Emmett’s ranting, Brian put the sandwich back in the plate and headed towards Justin. Leaning his forearms on the counter, he stared at him with a malicious grin on his face. “So, Blondie, did you enjoy the show?”

Justin was about to respond, but Emmett reacted before he could say anything. “Brian, cut it out!” He exclaimed angrily.

Brian stepped back, feigning outrage. Holding his hands out in front of him in a defenseless manner, he raised his eyebrows, an innocent look on his face as if he genuinely didn’t know why his friend was pissed at him. “What? He had the privilege of seeing my _hard_ cock in action! Many men would have killed for it…” Resuming his previous position, he looked straight at Justin as he purred, “That guy had the most perfect ass. So hot and tight...”

Justin was fuming inwardly. At the same time, however, he could feel himself blushing without being able to do anything to stop it.

It was official. He hated Brian Kinney.

“Brian, stop being an asshole,” Jesse ordered sternly.

Brian stepped back and looked at Jesse, silently mouthing “Me?” before reaching to grab his jacket that he had casually thrown on the back of the couch earlier.

Jesse sighed. “Justin, forgive my uncaring friend here; he just has to be the center of the universe all the time. It’s not his fault. He can’t help it.” His last words were clearly addressed to Brian, who responded by giving him the finger. “Very mature, Brian…” Jesse muttered.

“Careful, or you’ll be working alone tonight,” Brian retorted. He peered once more at Justin — who glared back at him — before stating, “Let’s go. I need some air.”

That was the last straw for Justin. He finally found his voice again. “You need some air like you need a second cock,” he declared disdainfully, prepared for any verbal reply Brian could throw at him.

“Excuse me?” Brian didn’t seem pleased that this blond twink could stand up to him.

“Don’t mind me. I’m just the interloper. But I’m not going away; so why don’t you be a real man and deal with it, instead of being a fucking prick about it?”

Emmett and Jesse couldn’t help but chuckle over Justin’s reply. As for Brian, he seemed to ponder what to say next for a few seconds, but finally chose to merely smirk in reaction to the young man’s meaningful glare before he, too, found his voice. “The kitten has claws… who would have thought?” As if dismissing him, then, Brian looked at Jesse and said curtly, “Let’s go.”

Jesse smiled at Justin, an apologetic look on his face. Nodding at Emmett, he muttered a “Later,” and followed Brian, who was already out the door.

As soon as the two men were gone, Justin began to cough. Emmett gave him some water to try and help his friend, but the truth was he was fucking proud of Justin.

If he could stand up to Brian Kinney, Emmett had no doubts that he was going to make it.


	7. Caring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: September 2014

 

_**Pittsburgh, September 2014, The Institute…** _

 

Brian drove his car through the gate and headed towards the parking lot. As soon as the vehicle stopped, he pushed the gearshift into park, killed the ignition and sighed deeply, his hands still on the steering wheel.

He didn’t look forward to going inside at all, but he didn’t have a choice. His father needed him, and even though he wanted to deny having any feelings for the man other than pity and some kind of indefinable compassion – as he wouldn’t wish Jack’s fate on his worst enemy - he just couldn’t. He cared, in a weird and fucked-up way, even if he hated himself for it most of the time.

Leaning back against the leather seat, he closed his eyes and almost winced. He was in pain, feeling like a million needles were attempting to open up his skull, a sure sign that he was stressed out and that this visit wouldn’t improve his emerging headache. Between his endless hours at the office, the time he devoted to his father, and the shock that Justin’s unexpected return had caused, he hadn’t realized how tired he really was. Therefore, he suspected that dealing with Jack now was going to be more than challenging. He could only hope that whoever was on duty on his father’s floor wouldn’t give him a hard time about his situation.

Eventually, he grabbed the door handle of the car and exited the confined, secure space he was in. The blowing wind caressed his face, big, cirrus clouds forming in the sky, announcing the imminent rain.

When he arrived on the second floor, he went straight to the nurse’s office and peered inside, but the light was off and nobody seemed to be there. However, as he was about to step back, he heard the sound of sharp heels tapping the floor behind him.

“Mr. Kinney?”

Brian recognized the sound of her voice immediately, and almost cringed. He contained himself, though, his irritation barely noticeable except for his slightly labored breathing. At last, he slowly turned around to face her.

Sam was one of the new nurses on the team, and she definitely was NOT the person Brian wanted to see. He could barely stand her and her judgmental views. To sum it up, he viewed her as the kind of person who should have chosen a professional field working with insignificant, material things on her own, far away from anyone who actually possessed emotions and feelings. In fact, he seriously wondered how she could have gotten her degree at all.

Thus, he already knew the conversation to come was not going to be pleasant. If anything, it would be a miracle if he didn’t want to have her fired in about twenty seconds; and even then, he wasn’t sure it would be enough to satisfy him.

“Sam…” Brian greeted the black-haired nurse, barely trying to hide his annoyance.

“Mr. Kinney. You’ve _finally_ arrived. I get it that Vicky called you?” the nurse responded curtly, as if Brian had purposely took his time in coming to see his father.

“She did. Where is she?” Brian responded brusquely, fervently hoping that the other nurse would still be there. Vicky was devoted to her job and always took care of her patients with kindness and respect, unlike the woman presently standing in front of him who relished in treating other people like children needing to be reprimanded.

“She just finished her shift. She wanted to stay, but I didn’t see the point,” Sam replied coolly, tapping a clipboard she was cradling in her left forearm with the pen she was carrying.

“Yeah…I see your point. She’s only been here for over eighteen years, and is the only nurse besides Carol who manages to soothe my father. You’re right, no point at all,” Brian snarled, his patience quickly wearing thin.

“Mr. Kinney…” Sam admonished him disapprovingly like some old-fashioned schoolmarm.

“Don’t _Mr. Kinn_ ey me,” Brian snapped in irritation, pinching his nose. “I just want to know what the fuck happened…”

Sam raised her eyebrows. Brian would have sworn that she was trying to blame _him_ for his father’s behavior. “It seems that your father attacked one of the other patients during their afternoon snack outside.”

“Excuse me?” He couldn’t have heard her correctly…His father? Attacking someone else?

“I said…” Sam began again with the superior tone that Brian always found unbearable.

“I heard what you said,” he cut her off, glaring at her. His headache was definitely getting worse. “I repeat: what happened? Or more precisely, WHY did my father supposedly attack another patient?” he asked, enunciating the words slowly, the tone of his voice dangerously calm.

Sam pretended not to notice Brian’s mood and just shook her head. “I don’t know exactly. All I know is that he got into a physical altercation with one of our residents and called her a liar. It took four orderlies to stop him,” she reported emotionlessly, as if she were talking about the weather.

“Fuck…” Brian blinked, astounded. His father wasn’t a violent person - not anymore. If anything, he was like a child who would peer at a bee gathering pollen on a flower with true wonder in his eyes. Some would call him a cringing idiot. Others would call him senile and simple-minded.

Brian preferred to think of him as a simple, childish soul.

“I’m sorry we had to disturb you, Mr. Kinney…” Sam’s words echoed in Brian’s mind, bringing his attention back to the haughty nurse. The tone of her voice belied her words of apology, however.

He blinked again and stared at her as if she had grown two heads before chuckling bitterly. “Yeah, right…”

Averting his gaze downward, he lowered his voice. “Where is he?” He could feel the exhaustion trying to overtake him as he briefly closed his eyes.

“He’s in his room, sedated. But I must warn you, we had to restrain him so he wouldn’t harm himself or anyone else.”

Brian felt the blood in his veins run cold. “You WHAT??” He snapped at her, his eyes suddenly reflecting an overpowering anger; he was ready to strangle whoever was responsible for it.

“We…restrained…” Sam practically stammered, finally beginning to realize that she was going too far.

“I heard you…Who the fuck had him restrained? And how could you even do it in the first place without my consent?!” The more words Brian uttered, the more his tone became filled with fury, and an overwhelming rage began to invade his body. He wasn’t even aware that he was moving towards her, encroaching upon her personal space and making the normally unflappable nurse decidedly uncomfortable.

“I…” She squirmed and stepped back until she hit the wall behind her and had nowhere to escape. From the unmistakable guilty look on her face, it wasn’t too difficult to ascertain exactly WHO had decided to use the leather restraints on his father.

Brian loomed over her while she glanced everywhere but at him, fervently hoping for someone to intervene and prevent this angry man from lashing out at her. But nobody came to her rescue.

Sam finally gave up, resigned to her fate as Brian leaned in closer to her face, as near as he could get without touching her. He stayed immobile, staring at her with daggers in his eyes before he whispered with deadly calm, “You’re going to hear from me…” Pulling back slightly, he reinforced his words with a murderous glare, his eyes blazing.

Sam didn’t respond, frozen to the spot, as Brian – fearing he would lose control completely if he remained one more second in her presence, turned on his heels and hastened toward his father’s room, hearing the nurse’s voice calling out to him from behind as she finally found her voice again.

“Mr. Kinney, please…be reasonable! Mr. Kinney!”

This nurse was even dumber than he thought; or maybe she had a death wish. By now, Brian was inwardly considering that a slow and painful death would still be too kind for this stupid cunt.

He stopped and turned around, effectively preventing her from going any further. “YOU stay away from my father! Or I swear to God I will sue you for abuse. Do you understand me?”

“Brian…” he heard a more rational voice intervening from near the stair then; he turned to observe Dr. Anne Elizabeth Collier heading in their direction, preventing his and the nurse’s exchange from degenerating even further.

The Doctor - a petite and graceful, redheaded woman in her sixties - had been running the Institute for twenty-three years; she’d known Brian since he’d been a young man dealing with an impossible situation for someone his age. Therefore, she had grown quite fond of him over time and wasn’t surprised to find him here today, visibly upset with Sam. She was quite aware of the nurse’s deplorable bedside manner and lack of empathy, and she realized she would have to address those issues very soon.

“Sam, I will take it from here,” Dr. Collier declared firmly, hoping to alleviate the situation by making it clear that Sam was no longer needed. She took the clipboard out of the nurse’s hands and peered at the notes. Then, lifting her gaze, she noticed to her consternation that Sam was still standing there. “You can go and attend to Mr. Woodwick. He needs some help using the bathroom.”

Sam seemed surprised and visibly offended to be dismissed in such a manner, and to be given a task normally reserved for one of the orderlies. “But I…”

“NOW, Sam,” Dr. Collier interrupted her coolly as she stared at her pointedly. “Or do you need to be reminded of who is running this Institute?”

“No.” Sam had the good grace to look ashamed. “Of course not.”

Dr. Collier replied tersely, “Then you can go and do your job; that’s not too much to ask, is it?”

At that moment, Brian felt like kissing Dr. Collier thoroughly, if she’d let her, to express his gratitude for her timely intervention. He might have overreacted with Sam, but the mere thought of his father, scared and helpless, tied up to a bed, made him want to punch someone. If not for his complete trust in Dr. Collier to deal with the matter at hand, and more generally, to take great care of her patients, his confrontation with Sam probably would have wound up with a far different outcome.

Dr. Collier’s gaze lingered on Sam until the nurse nodded curtly and walked away. Sighing deeply, she finally locked her eyes on Brian’s. “I’m sorry, Brian. Sam shouldn’t have taken it upon herself to deal with the situation regarding your father.”

“Well, make sure it doesn’t happen again…Or I will let Jack loose on _her_ ,” Brian half-quipped; yet, the look on his face showed Dr. Collier that he was being deadly serious about her not being allowed to approach his father again.

“Brian...” Dr. Collier reprimanded him quietly, unable to prevent a slight smile from appearing on her lips.

Then, she sobered up and Brian understood immediately that she wanted to discuss what had happened earlier today. “Brian, your father had quite a crisis this afternoon. The staff had to give him a strong sedative to calm him down. He isn’t awake at the moment. I’m not sure he will be for another couple of hours yet.”

Brian nodded before peering briefly towards his father’s room located a few feet away. “Do you know why he was struggling with…?” He didn’t finish his sentence, since he realized he didn’t know who had been the target of his father’s assault.

“Mrs. Foster,” Dr. Collier supplied. “Well, yes...I’m not sure how, but it seems she’d heard about your father’s…accident.”

Brian frowned, confused. “What? How?” As far as he knew, the institute’s policy regarding confidentiality was clear: a patient’s story couldn’t be shared with others, unless it came from the patient himself. Moreover, Brian’s father wasn’t capable of sharing his story with anyone.

“We don’t know,” Dr. Collier divulged, shaking her head.

In response to Brian’s look of skepticism, she clarified, “Before you say anything, we ARE going to investigate. Our patients’ privacy is a very serious matter, so unless they decide to share something personally with others, it is forbidden for the staff to divulge any information of any kind. And of course, I know Jack wouldn’t have revealed anything, considering he’s unable to remember the event itself.”

Brian gazed away; he was surprised nobody had heard about his father’s nightmares yet. “That’s not exactly true.”

Dr. Collier seemed confused. “What do you mean?”

Truthfully, Brian hadn’t meant to reveal this piece of information about his father. It just kind of slipped out. “He does remember…partially, anyway…” He admitted warily, noticing the questioning look on Dr. Collier’s face.

Sighing, he explained, “He has…nightmares. He just doesn’t know what they mean. But he already mentioned driving a car in his dreams. Of course, he says he doesn’t like the dreams; he insists he can’t be the one driving, because he doesn’t know how to drive anyway.” Brian chuckled nervously, peering at his feet. He hated to talk about it.

Dr. Collier frowned. “I’m surprised nobody reported his nightmares to me.” She studied Brian carefully for a few moments before adding, “So I can only conclude that he never told anyone but you. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t think it was important,” Brian lied. He had known the nightmares were affecting his father for a while now. Still, he didn’t want to deal with it, and have to listen to the medical staff dictate to him how he should act and be a sympathetic ear about the accident.

“Well, it could be. Whatever happened today, the nightmares might have prompted him to react he way he did,” Dr. Collier surmised.

“Shit…” Brian hadn’t thought about that.

And now, he was left to deal with the consequences.

***************************************************************************

One hour later, Brian was sitting by his father’s side, lost in thought. He was watching the man sleep, amazed by how one wouldn’t be able to guess any of the older man’s turmoil right now. His eyes were fixed on his father’s chest, which was rising and falling in synch, indicating a peaceful escape. Thankfully.

Brian was feeling anxious, almost afraid to witness his father’s waking up. He wanted to leave; yet, he couldn’t move. He had untied his father as soon as he had entered the room, throwing the restraint down on the floor near the door in disgust.

Now, he was waiting.

Eventually, he felt his cell vibrating in his shirt pocket. Frowning, he pulled it out and noticed four missed calls. He had been so focused on his father that he hadn’t felt the vibrations before.

_Mikey._

He stood up and walked over to the far corner of the room, still keeping a watchful eye on his father.

“Mikey…” He responded softly, pinching his lips, as he peered momentarily over at the bed.

“Hey, Brian…” Michael greeted him, trying to be casual; but he had never succeeded in being subtle. He wasn’t going to begin now. “So…”

“Who called you?” Brian interrupted him, getting straight to the point.

“Uhh… Why do you ask?” Michael stalled, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to fool his best friend.

“Mikey…” Brian prodded, raising his eyebrows.

“Fuck, Brian…who do you think called me?” Michael retorted, annoyed.

Brian sighed. Of course, he should have known his former roommate would have intervened. “And?”

“And nothing. I just wanted to know if you were okay, that’s all,” Michael replied, sounded truly concerned.

Honestly, Brian was grateful for his friend’s thoughtfulness, but he didn’t have the strength to deal with it now.

“I’m fine,” he volunteered curtly; it was the only thing he could say.

“You’re sure?” Michael insisted.

Brian was losing patience now. “Yes, I’m sure. Fuck, Michael, give me a break!” He stated a little too loudly, sneaking a glance at his father to make sure he hadn’t disturbed him.

“Hey! Forgive me for giving a shit!” Michael huffed. He paused then, obviously considering what to say next, before asking softly, “Is your…Is Jack okay?”

 _Fuck, Mikey_. Brian wanted to hug him and to strangle him at the same time.

“Oh, he’s just peachy. He’s dancing on a table in the common room as we speak,” Brian quipped, knowing how his friend was going to react.

“What… Really?” Michael questioned.

“No.” Brian chuckled. Michael had always been way too gullible.

“I…Brian!” Michael whined.

Brian was laughing now. “You always believe anything I tell you. It’s good to know some things don’t change.”

Michael’s next words made Brian’s laughter die instantly. “Because others do?”

Brian took a deep breath. He knew his friend wasn’t talking about Jack anymore. Eventually, he whispered, “You really know how to kill the mood.”

“I heard about Justin’s return,” Michael confirmed, as if Brian didn’t understand already.

Brian snorted, “Yeah. The prodigal son has returned. And your mother has yet to come and comfort me with a fucking macaroni casserole. Just proof that miracles do happen. Who would have thought?” Brian wanted to avoid talking about it. Hell, he didn’t want to think about it at all.

“Brian…” Michael replied knowingly.

This conversation needed to stop. “Listen, I need to go. I’m with Jack now. I can’t stay on the fucking phone.”

“Oh, right. Of course.” Michael had the good sense to sound embarrassed. “Just call if you need anything, alright?” He offered.

“Will do,” Brian replied a little more shortly than he had intended.

“Later…”

Brian ended the call without saying goodbye. Then, just as he was about to go back and sit next to his father, his phone rang again. He didn’t bother looking for the caller’s ID, figuring that his best friend just didn’t want to leave him alone. He’d pry and pry again until Brian was willing to share his feelings with him, now that his former lover was back.

As if he had ever been willing to do that.

“Listen, Mikey, I told you! I don’t have time for this now,” Brian greeted his friend curtly, ready to make him understand in no uncertain terms that he needed to concentrate on his father for now.

 _“Brian_?”

It wasn’t Michael. Brian’s words died in his throat.

“Brian…are you still there?” Justin’s voice permeated his brain.

Finally finding his voice again, Brian responded calmly. “What do you want?” He didn’t mean to be rude, but he didn’t know how to react. Why was Justin calling him now?

“I…just wanted to know if your father was okay…” Justin responded hesitantly.

“Why do you _care_?” The words were out of his mouth before he had even the time to process what he was saying. Brian grimaced, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead. Then, he said, his voice softer, “Justin, I…”

He tried desperately to find the words, or just one word… _any_ word that would begin to convey what he felt. But he didn’t know how to do that. He had purposely avoided thinking about Justin’s return, about what it really meant. How could he possibly know what to say, then? How could anyone deal with this kind of situation? Was he supposed to care, to try to patch things up? Or was he supposed to ignore the fact that his first lover, his only lover, was back in his life and living in the same city he was in? How could he possibly deal with it?

Yet, Justin surprised him, cutting into his thoughts. “I apologize.”

Brain frowned, confused. “For what?”

He could hear Justin laughing bitterly at the other end. “Truthfully? I don’t know. But you sound like you’re having a hard time right now.”

Brian shook his head. “It’s Jack,” he replied, as if those two words alone could explain everything.

A deafening silence ensued. Brian even thought that Justin had hung up. But then, Justin’s voice resonated in his ear.

“If you want to talk about it, I’ll be at Woody’s tonight.” Justin offered. Then, he added, “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, though. I’d understand.”

Brian didn’t respond. “I was supposed to see Gus…” He watched his watch. It was a quarter to seven. “…at six. Fuck!” he cursed. With all the drama from the past couple of hours, he had lost track of time and had forgotten that he was expected to go and see his son after his party with his friends was over. “I need to go. I have to call Lindsay,” Brian informed Justin. Before ending the call, however, he added, “Don’t wait for me tonight.”

“Okay,” Justin relented. “But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

“Yeah, okay… later,” Brian answered, not waiting for Justin’s reply before hanging up. Yet, he kept studying the phone in his hands, until he noticed that his father was awake.

*********************************************************************************

**_Three hours later, the loft…_ **

Brian entered the living room and headed directly for the bathroom. There, he took off his clothes and turned on the water.

As the water rained down over his body, he closed his eyes. He stayed a long time standing there immobile without thinking, his mind blank.

Eventually, the water lukewarm now, he exited the shower, dried himself off, and headed toward the closet. He chose an outfit and dressed quickly.

A moment later, he was gone.

****************************************************************************

**_Woody’s…_ **

Justin was sitting at the counter alone. It was 10:30 p.m.

Woody’s hadn’t changed much. It was always the same dance. Men cruising men, hoping to catch the eye of the most beautiful man…until the next day, when the tango would begin again.

Justin was drinking his third shot of Beam when he came along. He was surprised to see him here, but nonetheless happy, even if he knew the hardest part was still to come.


	8. Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: December 2002

 

**_December 2002…_ **

 

It had been nearly three weeks since Justin had moved in with Emmett and Brian. The young man had thankfully recovered, and had been able to return to classes after ten days, but he’d had a lot of catching up to do. His professors had been nice enough to give him copies of their lectures, and Justin was trying his best to make up all the work he had missed, but he was easily exhausted, and was mainly going through the motions as he tried not to stumble. In the present condition Justin was in, the world continued to be a difficult place to traverse.

Emmett had been his rock, helping him with moving in and being the perfect host when his mother stopped by – way too often for Justin’s taste - and generally being the best friend he could have ever hoped for. Daphne had come by a couple of times to help, too, and the two had bonded over Justin’s illness.

On the other hand, it felt like far too long since he had begun living with Brian Kinney, even though the brunet was doing his best to ignore his existence. Most of the time, Justin felt like Brian treated him as if he were part of the furniture, except when he was in a particularly bad mood and couldn’t help but be his charming, Mr. ‘ _Asshole_ ’ self. Nevertheless, Emmett hadn’t lied. Brian was barely there at all. Between his classes, his job at the library, and the time he spent either in his room or outside, Justin didn’t see him a lot. Despite the fact that Justin oddly enough hadn’t been witness to another of Brian’s ‘up close and personal’ porn scenes lately, he knew nevertheless by the quite vocal sounds escaping Brian’s room that he was not depriving himself, but was conducting his ‘business’ in the privacy of his bedroom instead.

******************************************************************************

On Friday evening, Daphne had stopped by unexpectedly. Emmett had gone out to meet up with his friend Ted, asking Justin if he wanted to join them, but the young man had declined. Facing the outside world once a day was enough, and he had already spent six hours on campus that day. He still tired rather easily, also, so he wanted to make it an early night.

“I hate him,” Justin declared. He and Daphne were sitting on the leather couch in the living room of the apartment, the same one that Brian had used to fuck the trick three weeks ago.

“What has he done this time?” Daphne asked with a smile. She knew by now how uncomfortable Justin was with Brian, even if she had never encountered the man herself.

“His room is right behind the wall of my bed; and of course, he has nothing better to do with his free time than to keep me awake with his fucking goal of having sex with every single gay man in Pittsburgh. Seriously, couldn’t he just find some other hobby?”

Daphne chuckled. “I don’t remember you being such a prude,” she quipped, amused by her friend’s dismay.

“I wasn’t…I’m not,” Justin added hastily, before sighing deeply. “But he could fuck somewhere else! He doesn’t have to share his tricking with the whole building!” In front of Daphne’s knowing look, he insisted, “You know what I mean! I want to be able to sleep, and not listen to him moaning for hours on end…”

“You know what? You need to get laid,” Daphne stated seriously.

“Huh?” Justin wasn’t sure he had heard her right.

Daphne looked at her friend like she was about to make a big revelation as she clasped his hands in hers. “It’s been a long time, Justin. Look at it from a therapeutic point of view...” She smiled, before releasing his hands. “Maybe Brian could help stir up the desire that is dormant inside of you. And if I were you, I would take a cue from the way he sounds, and imagine how it would feel,” she suggested with a grin before adding, “Or even better! You can invite him to your room as a part of your therapy!”

Justin’s mouth hung open. “You’re nuts!” He decided, shoving her away playfully and rolling his eyes.

Daphne laughed before sobering up, their gazes locking. Justin understood she was not joking this time. “Justin, I know you’re still…” She didn’t say more, because it wasn’t necessary. Both of them knew that Justin had yet to be close to someone again. So, she suggested carefully, “Maybe it’s time for you to do something about it. You need to move on, to allow yourself some…physical intimacy again.”

Justin wasn’t happy with the direction this conversation was taking. “You think I don’t want that, too? That I’m happy with the way I am?” He huffed, standing up.

“No! You know I didn’t mean that…” Daphne responded, but Justin didn’t seem to hear her.

“I feel paralyzed, Daph… and I fucking hate it!” Justin interrupted her, lost in his own thoughts.

He heard Brian at night. He could almost feel the pleasure of warm skin sliding against the other’s body, hot, soft and wet, the burn caused by the craving desire one could feel for another man. He could almost remember the delicious sensation of sweet abandon provided by the melody of two entwined bodies dancing together.

Almost.

The frustration was so intense, he wanted to burrow down inside the comfort of his bed and never emerge ever again. It wasn’t even about Brian. Truthfully, he didn’t know the man at all, apart from his asshole persona. Justin suspected there were more to him than his ‘fuck them and leave them’ mentality, or he wouldn’t have friends like Emmett, or Jesse and Michael. Justin had seen Brian’s two friends a couple of times already, and they seemed nice enough, especially Jesse. As for Brian, he was infuriating with his haughty attitude, making him want to frequently reach out and physically shut him up; yet he knew deep down that there was something more about him. What it was, though, he wasn’t sure.

Furthermore, Brian reminded him constantly that he had enjoyed sex, once. Of course, he hadn’t been an active gay man for a long time when the bashing had occurred, but he still remembered the euphoria caused by the thrill of being with another man, fucking him, surrendering to his own desires. Hearing Brian having sex had awakened that part of him that craved to be released from its forced retreat.

“Daphne, I just wish…I want so much for things to change,” he finally confided, sighing from his place in front of the marble fireplace mantel, his back to his friend.

“Will you stop with the self-pity party, Blondie? Confidence is fucking hot; self-wallowing, on the other hand, makes your dick soft...”

Brian’s voice stopped him cold. Justin hadn’t heard him entering the apartment, too absorbed in his own morose thoughts to even notice. He turned around and looked up, watching as Brian headed toward the kitchen counter and threw his duffel bag down onto one of the bar stools.

Justin wasn’t in the mood to listen to Brian’s bullshit. “Fuck you, Brian!” he retorted; but he was too tired for his words to have any real sting to them.

“Well, aren’t you just the charming one tonight?” Brian drawled sarcastically, his eyes finally locking on Justin’s. The young man felt his heart beating faster.

_What the fuck?_

Brian peered over at Daphne as he walked closer to the back of the couch where she remained seated. “So, the kitten has a fag hag. It figures,” he stated, raising his eyebrows at Justin before grinning smugly at Daphne. “Uhh…?”

She actually blushed. “I’m Daphne,” she informed him almost shyly. Justin couldn’t believe that Brian could actually intimidate her.

“And I’m bored already. Is he always so lunatic?” Brian replied, softening his words to Daphne by bending over and giving her a kiss on the cheek, causing Justin to ask himself exactly what game he was playing. He also seriously considered throttling his best friend, who was turning fifty shades of red like some giddy schoolgirl over Brian’s flirtatious overtures.

_Traitor._

“Brian, behave,” another voice said. Justin hadn’t noticed until now that Jesse was there, too, with Michael. He looked at them as they headed towards the kitchen counter.

These last few months, and especially this past month, Justin had been forced to interact with people he didn’t know. It hadn’t been easy; it still caused his heart to beat erratically most of the time, but since moving in he had witnessed a lot of Emmett and Brian’s friends stopping by. If he didn’t want to come across as a total jerk, then, he needed to force himself to open up a little bit.

His therapist was actually happy with the progress he had been making. It was slim consolation as opposed to how he used to be, but the truth was, he was glad to meet new people, to be able to. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been capable of that not so long ago. It was progress. And any progress was a win in his book. Remembering the path he had already traversed since that fateful night was giving him the strength to hang on, to believe that maybe one day, he would become the man he yearned to be. The man he knew he could be.

Taking a breath, he forced himself to smile. “Hi Jesse. Michael,” he greeted them, without moving from his place by the living room.

“You okay?” Jesse asked, a friendly gaze on his face.

“Just dandy,” Justin answered, before peering over at Brian with a fake smile. Brian merely made a face at him in return.

“I’m Jesse. You must be Daphne,” Jesse introduced himself to Justin’s best friend, as he and Michael made their way to the couch.

“I’m Michael. Nice to meet you!” The dark-haired man said cheerfully, waving his hand. Daphne seemed to be over the moon. Too many hot guys, Justin suspected, even if there was just one catch. They were all gay.

Brian seemed bored with all the introductions as he silently turned and left the room. Michael’s eyes followed his friend’s retreat and he frowned before actually going after him. Something was going on, but Justin had no clue what it was.

“Everyone has the night off tonight, so we’re about to go to Woody’s…Wanna come?” Jesse asked him and Daphne.

Justin knew Daphne would be interested, but he really wasn’t. He had been at Woody’s a couple of times before, but he hadn’t set foot in there for a long time. Honestly, he had no intention of returning there anytime soon.

Daphne looked at him and seemed to understand that it was out of the question. She quietly answered, “I think we’ll pass for tonight. I’m beat anyway.” She stood up to go as she grabbed her coat.

*******************************************************************************

Later that night, Justin woke up.

Surprisingly, nothing had disturbed him this time. Neither Brian’s moans of pleasure echoing in his dreams, nor the hideous nightmare of where he was paralyzed by an invisible and indefinable someone who would sneer at him, the icy tone of his voice swirling around him and inside of him, gripping his very core.

This time, he didn’t know why, but as he opened his eyes and stared at the darkness of his room, he had this strange and overwhelming compulsion to go out; to inhale the outside air while letting his eyes linger on the dark and powerful color of the sky. He wanted to let his mind travel, and feel his emotions insidiously flood his veins.

Since the attack, being alone with himself in a peaceful place had been both his refuge and his prison. Sometimes, his mind would stay as blank as an empty glass, but other times terrible thoughts would take over. Depending upon his mood, it could truly soothe him, or definitely beat him.

Tonight, though, Justin knew he would be okay. He just needed to breathe.

He got out of his bed, slipped into a pair of grey sweats, and put on a blue hoodie. He left the apartment quietly. Emmett happened to mention that there was an open area on the roof of the building that provided a view of part of the city. Curious, Justin walked a few steps down the hallway until he found the door to the outside staircase. He put his hand on its handle and paused, staring at it for a few seconds before turning it. Then, he moved forward, his breath becoming visible as it lingered in the chilly air.

He climbed the stairs, one by one, careful not to make too much noise. At last, he reached the last one and stepped out onto the roof, the cold air caressing his face as his eyes honed in on a familiar form.

Brian was there. Alone. He was sitting on the edge of the building, his legs dangling off the side, smoking a cigarette and staring out at the cityscape in front of him. Maybe. Or maybe he wasn’t focusing on anything at all.

The brunet couldn’t see him. That might be why Justin stayed where he was, observing him.

It was at that moment, while he was standing immobile on an unfamiliar roof at two in the morning during a cold night in December of 2002, that he realized that Brian Kinney, even if he looked and acted like a jerk, wasn’t what he appeared to be. Justin didn’t know why, but it was as if he could recognize a connection, something, that drew him to Brian. It was ludicrous, and maybe the atmosphere surrounding him now could explain why he felt the way he did, or maybe…

Justin shook his head. The reason didn’t really matter.

***************************************************************************

Brian had gone to Woody’s, then to Babylon with the guys. Michael, Jesse, Emmett, Ted; they had done what they always did. They’d drunk, danced, fucked, and eventually, Jesse had gone home with his older lover Aaron, while Michael had gone back to his mother. Emmett and Ted had still been at Babylon when Brian had left.

He hadn’t been in the mood to bring a trick home tonight. He was tired, his life being an eternal race against time. Between his work and his studies, Brian had barely any time for himself at all. Sometimes, he craved being alone, so he went up to the roof and stayed there, sitting on the edge near one of its corners, just looking at the twinkling lights of the city and listening to the thrum of life underneath his feet, for as long as he felt the need to.

He had gone and seen his father today. It had been six months since his last visit and as much as he tried to stay away, in the end he couldn’t. There was always something that would make him cave. Today, Michael had reminded him that it was his father’s birthday. Jack was fifty years old.

Fucking Michael.

Brian never talked to his father. He wasn’t even sure that Jack knew he existed. When he visited him, he would stay in the far corner of the common room, looking at this man he didn’t know. He seemed so fragile. And yet, during the short time that Brian usually kept him company, he’d seen him smile more than ever before. It was disturbing, and overwhelming.

Brian couldn’t reconcile the fact that this stranger was his father. The man who had killed his mother and sister five years ago. If anything, this man looked like a child. Innocent.

Not guilty.

Brian knew the injuries his father had suffered during the accident were permanent. He wasn’t Jack Kinney anymore. He’d never be again. He would never be able to live on his own. Nevertheless, Doctor Collier and Debbie had tried to persuade Brian to talk to him, as if it would help. But he just couldn’t. All he could do was pay the bills, and make sure that his father was being well taken care of.

Sighing, Brian didn’t really know how he felt. But he did feel, too much, probably. Having feelings was always harder than being an uncaring asshole. And most of the time, he was a first class one. But when he’d see his father, he couldn’t pretend not to be affected anymore. That was surely why he didn’t want to think about him most of the time, and why he avoided the Institute at all costs.

Brian couldn’t wait to move on with his life: to have his own place, a job, more money; to buy all that he wanted to buy, without having to count every cent, or flirt with some nameless guy to buy him a drink. Hopefully, in a year or two, he would be able to afford his own place. Not that he wasn’t grateful to live with Emmy Lou. Truthfully, he would miss his roommate’s annoying concern. He was a good friend, and a wonderful man – not that he would ever dare say that out loud.

And now, there was Blondie to consider. Brian knew he was way out of the line with him, but it seemed that he couldn’t stop himself from being an asshole whenever the chance presented itself.

Justin was an enigma. The young man seemed uncomfortable all the time, as if being with other people was a threat or something. Brian didn’t know why he acted like the world was such a dangerous place. Emmett had barely told him anything about their temporary roommate, except that he needed to behave around him and give him some space. Yet, his face was familiar somehow, but Brian couldn’t remember where he’d seen it before.

What was even more surprising was that despite the sense of vulnerability Justin displayed, he was also quite capable of standing his ground and not backing down whenever Brian fucked with him. Justin seemed fragile, but there was also an undeniable strength within him. To Brian, then, he was a paradox.

That day, when Justin had chosen to leave his room at what he probably thought later was the worst possible time to find him fucking Trick #1379 against the couch, Brian had felt something while staring intently at Justin. At first, he had been turned on by the man’s presence, whereas Justin had looked like he was ready to faint. But the truth was, Brian had seen something else in the young man’s eyes, and when he had reached his orgasm, it had been fucking intense.

What Justin didn’t know was that Brian had spent some time in his room earlier that day, quietly studying him as he slept; he didn’t know why on earth he had done that. Afterward, he had called the trick, and had made a point of giving the man the best orgasm of his life. He hadn’t planned on Justin walking in on him, although in the recesses of his mind, he had been aware that the music was too loud, and might eventually wake him up. Intentional? If it was, he would never admit it to anyone, including himself.

At least, Brian could say that his life was never boring.

The wind was cold tonight and Brian’s cigarette died out while he was lost in thought. Like some sixth sense, he suddenly had a strange feeling that someone was watching him, making him turn his head in the direction of the staircase. That’s when he saw the focus of his thoughts standing at the entrance, staring back at him. Brian raised his eyebrows and blinked. Lowering his gaze briefly to grab his pack of cigarettes that he had left on the floor, his attention was diverted for just a few seconds, but when he peered back at the spot where Justin had been standing just a moment ago, there was no one there anymore. He was gone.

**************************************************************************

**_Three days later…_ **

It happened on Monday.

Pittsburgh was not that big, so it was bound to happen one day. Yet, how could he have been prepared for it, much less entertain the thought that it could happen? Justin hadn’t seen his attacker since that night when he had been bashed by him with a baseball bat. The only consolation he had this time was that Chris Hobbs hadn’t seen him.

Justin had intended to run an errand at a nearby store, and was heading in that direction. As he turned a street corner, however, he halted in shock, peering at a familiar silhouette standing a few feet away.

The former captain of the St. James Academy football team was standing on the sidewalk near the street, obviously waiting for someone to join him. The young man hadn’t changed much. That’s maybe why Justin recognized him immediately, even if he could only see his back.

He felt himself freeze inside. His blood ran cold. His mind went blank.

How long he stood there, frozen to his spot, he didn’t know. The next thing he remembered was the racing of his heart as he ran and stumbled, bumping into nameless bodies.

He barged into the apartment several minutes later, and stopped in the living room, breathless. He felt like he was suffocating, even though his chest was heaving while he sought to breathe.

“What the fuck?”

Brian’s presence had gone unnoticed until Justin heard his voice. He was sitting at the kitchen counter, drinking some coffee, and now he was staring at him with a strange look on his face, undoubtedly trying to comprehend what was happening.

“Fuck you, Brian… Don’t…” Justin flinched, taking a step back as he had stood up and walked towards him, but Justin’s words made him pause.

“What’s going on? Justin…”

Justin blinked. It was the first time he had heard Brian actually say his name. But he couldn’t deal with it. The more Brian came closer, the more he could feel himself about to lose it. He wanted to disappear, to go back in time, anything… anything but this, standing here, looking like a crazy man, with Brian a few feet away and still approaching. Unfortunately, he finally hit the wall behind him and couldn’t escape anymore.

Brian tried to reach for his arm, looking…concerned? But the fear Justin felt inside that coalesced into the face of Chris Hobbs appearing in his mind over and over again was too much to bear.

Without warning Justin pushed Brian hard, using both hands to shove him away. Unprepared for the sudden action, Brian tripped before falling flat on the floor, almost hitting the coffee table behind him.

The pure look of shock on Brian’s face was unmistakable. He blinked before peering up at Justin, the concern he had felt earlier now replaced by anger.

“What’s your fucking problem??!” He shouted, as he stood up again, his face hardening into a murderous glare. “Are you brain damaged? You could have fucking hurt me, you prick!”

Brain damaged. Two words that finally made Justin fall apart.

“Brian…” Justin whispered, his voice filled with pain, a vise-like grip enveloping his chest like he had rarely felt before. He couldn’t breathe; it was as if something was preventing his lungs from filling with air, and his throat was closing up on its own.

Brian saw it immediately…the haunting anguish that was overwhelming the young man in front of him. The despair. The desolation. It was starting to strangle him, literally.

“Shit…” Brian uttered in realization. Justin was having a panic attack. “Justin!” Brian grabbed the young man and pulled him into his arms.

He felt him resist, felt the tension permeating his body. The fear Justin felt was emanating from him in waves as he tried to push Brian away. For a brief moment, Brian feared that what he was doing – grabbing onto Justin and refusing to let him go - would do more harm than good. But he didn’t have a choice. He had to do something, to try and reassure Justin that he was safe.

“Justin, listen to me! Stop fighting me. You have to breathe, Justin. You’re okay,” he reassured him in a soft voice, trying to hide his own panic as he witnessed Justin totally losing it; he attempted to soothe the young man in his arms as much as he could, but his legs were giving out. Unable to prevent it, Brian slid onto the floor, taking Justin along with him.

Acting instinctively, he changed his position, placing himself behind Justin and putting his arms around him, enveloping him in a tight embrace, Justin’s back to his chest. Then, he whispered in his ear, “You’re okay, Justin. You’re safe. I’m here. I won’t let you down.” Justin was not resisting much anymore, too drained to fight back, but he was still struggling to breathe.

“That’s it. Listen to me. Listen to my voice. You have to breathe, Justin. Just concentrate on breathing. You’re doing great. Just breathe,” Brian softly beseeched the young man in his arms, feeling his chest rising and falling. He kept murmuring gentle words over and over until, after endless seconds, he felt the tension leaving Justin’s body as the tears began to fall.

When Justin finally relaxed sufficiently, Brian stopped talking, but didn’t release his grip. His fingers were entwined with Justin’s, his thumb caressing the young man’s hand as he cried silently. He could feel the beating of Justin’s heart slowing down, the sensation comforting them both.

They didn’t move for a long time.


	9. Revelations

 

 

**_September 2014…_ **

 

After leaving Emmett’s apartment, Justin walked aimlessly among the streets of the city, not thinking about where he was headed. He was busy questioning the invitation he had extended to Brian, and trying to come to a decision regarding whether or not he was willing to let his former boyfriend back into his life.

 

The problem was, he was slowly beginning to realize that he wanted to be a part of Brian’s life again. And that realization was throwing him off. When did he change his mind? He had cut the man out of his life for so long; why was he realizing just now that Brian was still important to him? Truthfully, he knew part of the answer was just him growing up and being able to recognize that he had become a better man over time, and he was willing to admit that his former lover was, and would always be, a person he cared about, no matter how much time elapsed.

 

Sometimes in a person’s life, some people leave an indelible, permanent mark. Time could pass, other people coming and going in your life without leaving any mark of substance; you didn’t think of them when you woke up, year after year, their presence or memories never encroaching upon your dreams or your day-to-day ritual.

 

But some remained. Whatever you did, wherever you were, you would always remember those few moments you’d shared so long ago; and at times, you asked yourself what they were doing. Were they happy, fulfilled? Had life spared them pain and sadness? Did they think about you at all? Did they remember? Their absence didn’t mean they were not with you, sharing your life, at least within your thoughts, ones that you were unable to control or stop. Despite their bodily absence, they were still a part of your story. A part that was like…

 

Brian.

 

Justin couldn’t help but wonder…was his former partner part of the reason why he had wanted to come back in the first place? Was it possible that he had unconsciously, yet purposely, returned? And if so, what did it mean about him, and what he truly wanted?

 

He had been so young and so in love back then. Did he regret their break-up at times? He didn’t have the answer to that question; it depended upon his mood. He had always felt guilty leaving Brian and making him deal with his demons alone. At the same time, however, witnessing him going through his pain management techniques after Jesse’s departure, while being so adamant about the abortion, had been the push Justin had needed to leave. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He couldn’t stay. If he had, it could have destroyed them both.

 

Or maybe not, considering Brian had finally changed his mind about Lindsay’s pregnancy. And now, Justin asked himself, what would have happened if he’d decided to stay? Did his leaving him have anything to do with Brian’s turnaround? Had Brian mourned him like he had? Did he regret their relationship at all?

 

Too many questions. Justin’s head was spinning.

 

********************************************

 

He debated for a brief moment before picking up his phone, staring at its display screen. Searching his contacts list, he stopped on the one he had entered a week ago. Brian’s. His finger lightly traced over the ‘phone’ symbol in hesitation before, his mind made up, he pressed it.

 

As soon as Brian answered, he could immediately tell he was stressed out about something merely by the tone of his voice.

 

“What do you want?” his former lover barked.

 

 _To know if you’re okay_ , Justin’s first thought was. Had it been wise to call him now? Probably not. All the more reason why Justin wasn’t surprised when Brian got defensive.

 

“Why do you care?” Brian had asked.

 

_Good question._

****

The only thing Justin could do at that moment was offer him his support, and tell his ex-boyfriend that he was there if he needed him. So he did.

 

After the call, he went back to his apartment to change and to grab something to eat. He called Tyler, waking him up, and couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit of guilt creeping inside of him as he spoke to him. He pushed it away, however. Avoidance was so much easier.

 

He ate a bit while working on a project he was supervising for his new work. He showered and changed his clothes. He brushed his teeth. Ordinary tasks that kept him occupied for a little longer.

 

At 9:28 p.m., he left his apartment.

 

******************************************************************************

 

**_Woody’s, 10:30 p.m.…_ **

 

Justin sensed him, even before he saw him. He peered at the entrance of Woody’s. He was there.

 

During that brief moment when Brian hadn’t spotted him yet, he closed his eyes to stop the image of a younger version of himself replacing the reality. How many times had he waited for Brian in the past at this place? How many shared drinks at this counter, at one of the tables, or near the pool tables? How many?

 

This was harder than he thought it would be.

Brian walked towards him. He paused next to him, acting as if he wasn’t there at all; he positioned himself with his back to the bar, his elbows supporting him. His gaze swept slowly over the room full of gay men in front of him, a few guys giving him an appreciative once over in return.

 

The ghost of a smirk appeared on his face as he leaned closer to him, muttering in his ear over the music, “I changed my mind.” Justin smiled over Brian’s antics. The scene – Brian acting like he owned the place - was familiar. Comforting.

 

Brian turned around and plopped himself on the bar stool next to him. The bartender asked him if he wanted the usual, and he just nodded curtly in response.

 

He took the glass full of Beam in his hands, and looked at it intently, as if he could find some answers in the brown, shiny liquid. Justin could sense that Brian was debating with himself about the reason why he was there in the first place. Truthfully, it felt unreal.

 

“So, Mr. Taylor…How does it feel to be back in fabulous Pittsburgh?” Brian drawled at last.

 

Justin had been observing him since he’d made his way to the bar. He hadn’t thought about what he was going to say. The truth might be a good start, he ultimately decided. “It’s…kind of overwhelming.”

 

Brian chuckled over Justin’s choice of words. “Right…” He peered at him and raised his eyebrows, his shot of Beam still in his hand, “Not any wishes to _run_ for now?”

 

_Ouch._

 

The double meaning wasn’t lost on Justin, so he couldn’t help but wince slightly at Brian’s remark.

 

Brian ignored it, adding, “If I were you, I would. Hell, I’d have never come back in the first place.” He gazed away, drank his shot and raised his glass, silently asking for a refill to the bartender. Of course, Brian wouldn’t let go so easily.

 

Justin replied sincerely, his eyes never leaving Brian’s face, “You’re not me. Believe it or not, I’m happy to be back.”

 

Brian pinched his lips, his eyes boring into his refilled drink, not looking at him at all. Justin felt the awkwardness growing between them, and decided to move the conversation along. “So, what about you? How is…how is Jack?”

 

Brian raised his eyebrows and snorted. “Fabulous! He tried to kill someone today. Nothing to worry about…” He drank his shot in one go, aware that Justin was going to react to his words.

 

“He _what_?” Justin asked, astounded. He knew he hadn’t been around for a long time, but he couldn’t believe that Brian’s father would do that.

 

Brian went on sarcastically, as if Justin hadn’t questioned his statement. “In fact, he tried to strangle a patient. It’s a shame he didn’t aim for the new nurse if you ask me, but what can I say? Parents these days are not what they used to be…” Brian motioned for the bartender to serve him again.

 

“Brian…I’m…It’s…” Justin mumbled, not really knowing what to say.

 

“We live in a wonderful world, don’t you think?” Brian volunteered with a fake smile, before gazing at his glass, hypnotized by the slow movement of the turning liquid as he moved the glass in a circle.

 

He looked exhausted, drained. Justin couldn’t help but think that there was something he was missing.

 

As if to validate his thoughts, Brian sighed, dropping the act. “Fuck, I’m tired of that shit.”

 

Justin was at a loss. He could see Brian was having a hard time dealing with his father’s predicament, and he suspected that his return hadn’t helped, either. He had been so busy trying to figure out how to act with him that he had nearly forgotten that he wasn’t the only one who was having to deal with their reunion.

 

Conversely, he was grateful that Brian wasn’t attempting to hide behind sarcastic remarks. Now, all he could do was hope that they would be able to overcome their past.

 

**********************************************

 

Brian hadn’t been sure that coming here tonight would be a good thing. He was on the edge, his headache having not improved much since his visit to his father. Therefore, he was afraid of what he might say. He truly didn’t need to make things worse with Justin; his life was sufficiently complicated as it was.

 

After having left the Institute, he had dropped by Lindsay and Mel’s house, but Gus had already been asleep. He had promised Lindsay he would come back the next day before kissing his sleeping son.

 

He’d returned to the loft, not aware that he had already made the decision to join his former lover until he’d dressed and left again.

 

Why was he here in the first place? When Justin had first made the suggestion to meet, he’d wanted to say no. He was afraid this encounter would do more harm than good, especially considering the bad mood he was in.

 

Yet, here he was. It had to mean something.

 

************************************************************************

 

**_Flashback, The Institute, three hours earlier…_ **

 

Jack had awakened just after Justin’s call.

 

“Hey…” Brian walked back to the bed and sat down on the chair. He looked as Jack’s eyelids fluttered open a few more times until his gaze finally focused – a moment of recognition, followed by relief in his eyes.

 

“Brian…” The man whispered, seemingly still groggy.

 

Brian let a minute or two pass, allowing his father to wake up peacefully. He observed him, looking for clues as to how he was feeling, but Jack seemed strangely calm; if he hadn’t played with the sheet of his bed, folding it before smoothing it several times in a row, Brian wouldn’t have noticed anything wrong without prior knowledge.

 

“How are you feeling?” Brian inquired eventually.

 

Jack didn’t respond. He averted his gaze and kept playing with the cotton sheet.

 

“You don’t want to answer, huh?” Brian tried again, but he could already guess that Jack wouldn’t tell him anything tonight.

 

He sighed and stood up to get a cool, damp cloth from the bathroom. His father’s forehead was sweaty.

 

He came back and pressed the towel lightly against his father’s forehead. Jack snatched it with his hands. “It’s hot,” he commented with a grimace.

 

Brian pinched his lips. “No, it’s not.”

 

“It is! I don’t like it when it’s hot,” Jack insisted.

 

“Okay, then…” Brian relented, hiding his exasperation. “Do you feel well enough to stand up? We could go outside for a walk. It’s been raining for the past hour, but it’s better now. Almost stopped. ”

 

“I love the rain!” Jack exclaimed, clapping his hands in excitement.

 

“I know. But let me get an umbrella first. I’m not going outside to get soaked. Not even for you.” Brian glared at his father, only half-quipping.

 

“You’re not funny,” Jack pouted, crossing his arms.

 

Brian chuckled. “Well, the-not-so funny man needs for you to get up and get dressed. Come on, _Rain Man_.” He patted Jack on the arm and helped him to stand up and don some sweats and a sweater. The shower could wait until they returned.

 

They left the floor and headed down the stairs. Outside, they traveled the quiet, lighted path surrounding the Institute and the surrounding forest for forty minutes. The rain was falling from the darkened sky. Brian had taken his umbrella, but Jack spent the time dodging in and out of the rain, laughing under the drops of drizzling water. Even now, after more than seven years by his side, Brian was still amazed at witnessing his father’s joy of life over simple things.

 

Brian tried to ask him what had happened in the afternoon and if he remembered why he had been in his bed when he’d come to visit him, but his father denied having any memory of it, continuing his child-like game of hide-and-seek with the rain. Brian didn’t know if he really couldn’t remember, or if he was purposely holding back for fear that Brian would not be happy with him. Was Jack even conscious of his actions? Brian suspected he was, but he decided not to press him at the moment. If he did, Jack would keep scampering in and out of the rain, and he would end up dizzy from trying to keep sight of him; furthermore, his headache would never end, and he already felt like putting a bullet to his head. He would deal with it later.

 

They went back to Jack’s room, dried themselves. Jack took a shower. Brian helped him with his meal.

 

Eventually, he left him in the common room to watch a movie. Brian couldn’t help but laugh out loud – earning a few curious and disapproving glares - when he saw which movie had been selected for tonight.

 

‘ _Forrest Gump.’_ _How appropriate…_ Brian briefly considered that if he had been listening to ‘Ironic’ by Alanis Morissette at that exact moment, he would have cracked up for good. Maybe he would have stayed there with his father, and they would have run back into the rain together.

 

_End of Flashback…_

 

********************************

 

Considering his state of mind, Brian wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he didn’t have the strength to question his decision about meeting Justin tonight. Even if he couldn’t help himself from being a little defensive around Justin at the beginning, the truth was, he was just extremely tired.

 

He no longer felt the need to analyze why he was willing to share his thoughts with his former lover. But he wanted to. He wanted to be able to talk about Jack with Justin, to tell him the truth, to explain what he was going through.

 

“Jack remembers the accident,” he simply stated.

 

Justin frowned. “He does? How do you know?”

 

Brian revealed with a shrug, “He _told_ me.”

 

He knew Justin was about to bombard him with questions after that revelation. During the time they’d been together, Justin had been aware of Brian’s visits to his father – he had even accompanied him there more than once - but he also knew that his boyfriend had never talked to Jack even once.  Realizing his father could no longer recognize him after the accident, Brian had preferred to steal moments here and there to quietly study his father from afar as he sat among the others in the community room, totally oblivious to his son's observations. It was a protection against the unknown, driven by an uncontrollable fear of what exposing himself would cause, and the lingering resentment that he suspected would always be imprisoned inside him. Brian found it difficult to reconcile the smiling man who appeared to be so friendly with everyone and didn’t have a mean bone in his body with the abusive man who had raised him."

Of course back then he had merely told everyone that he just wasn’t interested in connecting with his father anymore, not after all the harm he’d done. And it had been true to an extent. After all, his father was responsible for the death of his mother and sister, and so much more.

 

Brian had hated Jack Kinney for most of his life, and the hatred had reached a climax on the fateful night of the car crash. He still remembered the numbness he had felt. But even more, he remembered his teenage self standing in the hospital doorway of his father’s room, looking at the immobile form in the bed. Listening to the sound of the machines keeping him alive. And wishing fervently that they would just stop; that he would die.

 

He hadn’t known at that moment that he’d already gotten his wish, because for all intents and purposes Jack Kinney was gone forever. If he had realized that, he might have thought differently.

 

Justin had urged him in the past to reconnect with the man who had taken his father’s place. But his boyfriend had also respected Brian’s wish to stay away. It had always been one of Justin’s most valuable qualities: his ability to share his views wisely, without pressuring anybody to do as he would or judge them based on their decisions.

 

That’s probably why Brian was willing to talk about Jack with him now. He had expected some questions, however, not a deafening silence.

 

He gazed up at Justin, who was staring at him with a strange look on his face. The silence dragged on for several seconds until Brian finally broke it. “You have nothing to say?”

 

“No,” his companion replied, before shaking his head, questioning his own response. “I mean…Yes. I… I’m surprised you decided to be a part of Jack’s life. But yet I’m not surprised. And…” Truthfully, Justin never thought that Brian would finally decide to reveal himself to Jack; and at the same time, it was so like him to change his mind if he’d found a good reason to do it. Justin was just curious about what that could be.

 

Peering at Brian and seeing the mischievous look on his face, he hastily added, “And before you say it, yes, I’M perfectly eloquent here. At least in my head. It’s not my fault you’re not a mind reader,” Justin half-quipped, hoping to lessen the tense vibe he could feel emanating from his ex-boyfriend.

 

Brian actually smiled. Leave it to Justin to take the words out of his mouth, even today. “You want to know the reason why I changed my mind, don’t you?” He correctly surmised, playing with his glass again.

 

“I’d be lying if I told you I’m not curious,” Justin admitted, his eyes finally catching Brian’s. He wasn’t sure he was liking what he saw in them.

 

Brian gave him a one-word answer, while he lost himself once again in the brown liquid of his glass. “Gus…” Gazing away, he sighed, “A child can make you change every fucking rule you live by.”

 

 _Wow_. Becoming a father had been his incentive. Justin could understand that, but it didn’t explain why he had changed his mind about being a dad in the first place. “Why did you…” The words he wanted to use escaped him.

 

Brian knew exactly what Justin was trying to ask. Justin had run away from him, partly because he hadn’t wanted Lindsay to keep the baby. The whole situation had been a huge mistake, and Brian had been adamant about not wanting to make another one by giving life to a child who would be doomed from the start, condemned to having a father who would fuck up again and again. Being a parent figure had terrified him more than anything he had ever felt. And yet, in the end, he had given his blessing to Lindsay, being confident at the time that he would stay away from the child’s life. What a joke that had turned out to be!

 

The real reason for his turnaround? He’d already lost Jesse, then Justin… knowing they’d left because of him, because of what he had done…and he would have inevitably lost Lindsay as well. He couldn’t go through that again.

 

The hardest part had been the hope he had sustained for a long time that Justin would come back one day. Yet, if he _hadn’t_ left, Brian would probably not have changed his mind, and Gus wouldn’t be there.

 

He could tell Justin the truth now. But he wouldn’t. What would be the point? It would just confirm how fucked up he had been. He still was, but he had learned from his mistakes, thankfully. His present self wouldn’t have done what his past self had done. He would have assumed. He would have told Justin that he cared.

 

He still did, even if it was too late.

 

Justin had his life. Brian didn’t know exactly what he had done for the past eight years, but he could tell that Justin was happy. He seemed…fulfilled. Who was he to disrupt his life? If he admitted that he’d changed his mind because of him, Justin would question its meaning. And Brian didn’t want that. He still believed in some ways that he wasn’t good for Justin. He’d never been. The fact that he couldn’t stop himself from wanting him even after so many years didn’t help, but he could overlook his own feelings for Justin’s sake. And what if Justin had someone in his life? Brian had heard about a guy he had gone to Europe with, but he didn’t know much else. Was he single now? Or was his heart still beating for another man?

 

Fuck. He needed to stop. But he also needed to know.

 

“Are you happy?” As he asked the question, his eyes bored into Justin’s. He could immediately see the clouds in them, and just like that, he _knew_. He inwardly asked himself why he had been stupid enough to think that Justin could have called him because he…what? Wanted to reconnect? Or even more ludicrous, wanted him back in his life?

 

 _You’re a pathetic fool._ Of course Justin had someone in his life. It couldn’t be any other way.

 

“Yes. I am,” Justin responded carefully.

 

“Does he…” Brian cleared his throat. Ultimately, the response that he would give him to this last question would be decisive. “Does he treat you well?”

 

Justin stared at him a long moment, surprise written all over his face, wondering how Brian could have guessed about Tyler. He briefly pondered about the best way to handle his answer, but in the end, there were only one thing to do. He owed Brian the truth. “He does. His name is Tyler,” He finally admitted, a lump forming in his throat.

 

“Good,” Brian answered, his chest tightening over Justin’s confirmation. Justin had a boyfriend. Someone who shared his life, who made him laugh, who fell asleep next to him, who made love to him. Someone who obviously loved him. Justin had never been able to lie. His eyes said it all.

 

Thus, there was only one thing to do.

 

Brian finished his drink. He suddenly stood up then, and plucked a few bills from the back pocket of his jeans, putting them on the counter. He looked at the bartender, and announced, “It’s on me.”

 

“Wait. Brian…” Justin stood up, too, understanding exactly what would happen if he didn’t react right away.

 

“I need to go,” Brian stated, not looking at Justin as he walked towards the bar’s exit.

 

Justin went after him, quickly weaving through the crowd. Brian opened the front door and stepped outside, with Justin flat on his heels. Just as he was coming down the stairs, the younger man finally managed to grab his arm.

 

“Don’t go…” Justin wasn’t ready to let him go.

 

Brian stopped. “Justin…It’s better this way.” He finally peered at his former lover.

 

“For whom?” Justin questioned. “For you?” He frowned, disapproving, his body language betraying his agitation. “What are you so afraid of?” Brian stayed silent. “We can be friends! I still…”

 

“You’re wrong.” Brian shook his head, interrupting him from going further. “I won’t do this. I’m sorry.”

 

 _Sorry’s bullshit_ , Justin wanted to reply. “Why?”

 

Brian looked away, but Justin wasn’t going to let him run away without an explanation. He grabbed his arm again to capture his whole attention. He should have released Brian’s arm and let him leave, but he couldn’t do it.

 

Brian stared at him then, and Justin felt his heartbeat racing. For an instant, he was sure that Brian was going to move closer, to hold him, maybe even kiss him. Brian’s eyes bored into his with an intensity that Justin had rarely seen. He shivered.

 

It was there, the reason. In Brian’s gaze.

 

But a second later, it was gone. Brian stepped back slowly, breaking the contact of Justin’s hand on his arm. He murmured softly, “Goodbye Justin.”

 

He kept staring at Justin for a few more seconds until at last he turned around and moved away.

 

Justin just stayed there, standing on the pavement, staring at the first man he had ever loved disappearing through the crowd of bystanders walking under the illuminated night.

 

He wasn’t the one running away this time. Brian was.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter that I will publish for a while. This is still a WIP and I'm taking some time off to finish this, but I promise I WILL post in the future.


	10. Truce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin has just recently returned to Pittsburgh after having been gone for the past eight years. At the age of 19, Justin had wound up becoming Emmett and Brian's roommate while in college, forging an easy friendship with Emmett, while his relationship with Brian is ,more of a tenuous, fluid one, caused partly by Justin's inability to allow any man to touch him after Chris Hobb's attack on him left him emotionally traumatized, and his growing attraction to his roommate. 
> 
> Brian, also, has his own demons to face, having lived through the death of his mother and sister at the hands of his father, whose auto accident left him alive, but institutionalized and with the mentality of a young child. 
> 
> After eight years, the two men finally meet again, both of them with different lives than before; Brian with a son, and Justin with a new boyfriend in his life. They find themselves now at a crossroads, still feeling the old, familiar pull, but both wondering if it's a good idea to revisit past memories, or rekindle their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I haven't finished this story yet, but I will try to post regularly from now on, at least every ten days or so. I once again want to thank my wonderful beta who is supporting me since the very beginning.

 

 

 

**_December 2002, Monday, Emmett’s apartment…_ **

****

Emmett entered his place quietly, breathing hard after having jogged up the stairs. Brian had texted him earlier, asking him to – in his words – ‘get his ass home ASAP,’ but he hadn’t specified why he needed him. Nevertheless, the mere fact that Brian would ask him something like that was unusual enough for Emmett to rush home immediately as requested; and so, he had cut his gym training short and had walked home as quickly as possible, despite the bad weather outside.

 

He took off his gray cap, his orange gloves and his brown boots, shrugged off his orange, down-filled jacket, and blew on his hands to restore the circulation. The snow had been falling since the day before, covering the city in a thick, white blanket, its coldness gripping those who ventured outside, so Emmett was glad to be back in the comfort of a warm place.

 

Taking a few steps, he noticed Brian exiting Justin’s room and closing the door quietly behind him. His roommate eventually peered over at him, greeting him quietly with a scowl and a muttered, “Finally…”

 

Not one to be deterred by such a greeting, Emmett responded sarcastically, “Hello to you, too.” Then, as he observed Brian’s sober look, he began to worry. His friend hadn’t snarled back at him, which in itself showed that something was wrong. “What happened?”

 

Brian sighed, and announced very seriously as he headed towards the kitchen area, “Justin happened.”

 

Emmett frowned, asking a little too loudly, “What do you mean?”

 

Brian stopped and turned to order him with an intimidating glare, “Be quiet. He’s asleep.”

 

 _Since when do you care?_ Emmett mused silently, as he peered quizzically at his friend.

Unaware of his friend’s inner thoughts, Brian went to take his cold cup of coffee left abandoned on the kitchen counter and put it in the microwave. Emmett followed him and plopped himself on a bar stool, facing the kitchen. He waited for Brian to take out his mug a minute later and join him.

 

“You…” Emmett began, but Brian interrupted him immediately as he held his hand up to silence him.

 

“I have to work tonight. Inventory with Mr. Grant,” Brian announced, taking a sip of his coffee. He grimaced before grabbing a packet of sugar nearby and pouring it into the cup.

 

Emmett still didn’t understand what he was doing here; now that he thought about it, though, he began to wonder why Brian was leaving Justin’s room when he had entered. _Surely they wouldn’t_ …No, it was impossible; not with Justin being so scared about being touched. But Emmett had to admit that his curiosity was piqued now. “Why did you need for me to come back, then? It’s not like I have to babysit Justin. He’s a big boy.”

 

Brian responded with a smirk. “Well, actually Emmy Lou, that’s exactly why I called you.” The smirk quickly left his face, however, as he glanced at Justin’s door. He finally explained, “Justin…He had a crisis.”

 

Emmett didn’t understand that statement at all. He stared at his friend. “A crisis?”

 

“A panic attack,” Brian clarified, threading his right hand nervously through his hair and rubbing his face. He looked straight at Emmett when he realized the man was just staring back at him.

 

“A panic…” Emmett repeated again, trying to comprehend what had happened to Justin.

 

“Will you let me explain? No need to repeat everything I say! You sound like some annoying robotron,” Brian complained with a scowl. Emmett replied with a glare of his own, before letting Brian know that he could proceed with a nod of his head.

 

Brian eventually continued, “Okay. So I was sitting alone earlier right here, and Justin suddenly barged in and totally lost it right in front of me.” In reaction to Emmett’s unspoken question, he hastily added, “I don’t know why.”

 

Emmett didn’t question Brian’s statement, as he knew by the look on Brian’s face that it wasn’t a lie. “What did you do?” he asked, standing up to retrieve a glass from the cabinet directly behind Brian; filling it up at the sink, he returned to his seat and took a sip.

 

Brian glared at him as if it was the stupidest question ever, leaning back slightly in his chair to look Emmett in the eyes. “What do you _think_? I tried to calm him down. He was totally fucking out of it.”

 

Emmett was truly concerned now. What could possibly have happened to Justin for him to have had a panic attack in front of Brian, no less? Whatever it was, it had to be serious. “Is he okay now?” He asked with concern, his water temporarily forgotten.

 

“Yeah,” Brian reassured him quietly, his face grim. “But I’m not sure it’s a good idea to let him be on his own.”

 

Emmett frowned. The fact that Brian had called him because he was concerned about Justin waking up alone spoke volumes about how frightened he must have been regarding him. And honestly, Emmett was amazed that Brian had obviously succeeded in helping Justin. Considering the relationship they shared – they were always bitching at each other – it shouldn’t have been easy for him to get through to Justin.

 

He gripped the glass in his hand, “How did you do it?”

 

“How did I do what..?” Brian questioned, frowning.

 

“How did you…manage to calm him down, I mean?” Emmett clarified as he took another sip of his water.

 

“Well…he used me as a punching bag. Eventually, I had to grab him and hold onto him to get him to stop thrashing around, and then he just broke down,” Brian revealed, the shocking statement almost causing Emmett’s water to travel down his windpipe.

 

“You WHAT?” He sputtered before coughing loudly.

 

“Are you deaf?” Brian asked with a ‘ _Is he for real_?’ expression on his face.

 

Emmett ignored Brian’s retort. “You _held_ him? He let you?”

 

Brian shook his head. He didn’t understand what the big deal was. “I didn’t have a fucking choice. What’s so surprising?”

 

“Nothing,” Emmett replied quickly, averting his eyes. It wasn’t his place to reveal Justin’s fears to Brian. But he was completely amazed to know that his friend had let his roommate touch him at all.

 

Sensing that Emmett was hiding something from him, Brian demanded, “Emmett…what are you not telling me?”

 

“Nothing!” Emmett exclaimed, before picking up the newspaper which had been left lying on the kitchen counter. He opened it and feigned an extreme fascination with an article about Pittsburgh’s new water-polo team.

 

Brian leaned forward and snatched the newspaper from Emmett’s fingers. “Do I look like a dickhead to you?” He snarled.

 

“It’s about men in swimsuits!” Emmett protested, plastering on his best innocent look; he tried to come up with an impossible defense while mainly avoiding Brian’s inquiry.

 

It didn’t work. “You fucking tell me why I had to hold onto Justin for more than an hour after he literally felt apart in my arms!” Brian demanded sternly, losing patience with Emmett’s silly demeanor.

 

But his words didn’t have the required effect. Emmett’s eyes became wide as his words sunk in. “You held him? For an hour? Like held him as in…held him in your arms? Like, for real?” he wondered out loud.

 

“Emmett!” Brian snapped, quickly losing patience.

 

Emmett was nonplussed, however. He was too dumbfounded by the implications of Brian’s revelation. “Oh, my God…Oh, my God! It’s amazing!” He stated joyfully, standing up and clapping his hands with a big smile on his face.

 

Brian’s exasperation turned into bewilderment. The only possible explanation had to be that his friend was losing it. Brian stared at him, beginning to question Emmett’s sanity. Frowning, he finally yelled, “Honeycutt!”

 

It worked as Emmett turned to glare at him indignantly. “Hey! Don’t call me Honeycutt!”

 

Brian rolled his eyes, his gaze inadvertently landing on Emmett’s watch. He stood up and grabbed Emmett’s wrist as he checked the time. “Shit! I’m late. I have to go, or Mr. Grant is going to rip me a new one.”

 

He hurried to his room to change, leaving a dumbfounded Emmett in the living room. Two minutes later, he returned and grabbed his jacket, scarf and gloves. He was about to head towards the door when he paused to walk back into the living room; Emmett, who had remained in the kitchen, gazed up at him curiously. Brian raised one eyebrow at him before ordering, “Be sure to be here when he wakes up. I don’t know what happened, but whatever it was, it scared him to death.”

 

“Sure,” Emmett answered seriously before grinning widely. “I always knew you had a soft heart.”

 

Brian glared blatantly at him in response before turning to leave. “I’m going to kick your ass one of this days, I swear.”

 

“Brian Kinney has a heart… a beating heart. He loves people!” Emmett sing-sang playfully.

 

“Fucker,” Brian retorted loudly enough for Emmett to hear as he grabbed the handle of the front door.

 

Emmett stood up and took a few steps towards Brian as he called out, “Later, Sweet Prince Philip! I will be sure to protect the Sleeping Beauty until you come back!”

 

Brian finally cracked a smile at his friend’s silliness. “Fuck you, Honeycutt!” He muttered, before crossing the threshold.

 

******************************

 

**_Friday…_ **

****

Several days passed. Justin had surprisingly been able to return to campus the day after his panic attack, but he was grateful for the winter break coming up soon. These past few months had left their mark on him; too many challenges to deal with at once, he suspected. Change was a good thing, but he felt like he had had to overcome a mountain in order to be where he was today. Yet, the truth was, he was proud of what he had accomplished since he had decided to put his life back on track, and this tiny bit of hope was sparking inside of him, giving him a strength he had thought was lost forever.

 

He hadn’t seen Brian since Monday. The man had been out most of the week, and Justin was grateful for this moment of reprieve. He needed some time to sort things out and to comprehend what had happened. He still couldn’t believe that he had broken down like he had and allowed Brian, _Brian_ for God’s sake, to be there for him; to touch him. Hell, he didn’t just touch him, he had held him for a very long time. Justin didn’t even remember falling asleep, but Brian must have carried him, because he had woken up later in the safety of his bed with Emmett by his side. Moreover, he had been surprised over the disappointment he had felt over Brian’s absence, but he had quickly discarded it.

 

His meltdown had been pronounced. He remembered the despair he had felt when he had seen the face of the man who had stolen a part of his life; but now, it was like he was recalling the memory without the emotional sting that normally accompanied it. It was as if allowing himself to fall apart and the tears to come out had released a part of himself that had been buried and imprisoned inside him, but was now set free, its burden lifted from his mind.

 

He hadn’t felt the comfort of a tight embrace for such a long time. Yet, he would be lying if he denied that it had felt good to be held again. The truth was he had been so out of it that he just couldn’t enjoy the pleasure of being close to someone again. But the joy had come later, with the realization that it did happen. He had allowed another man to erase the fear that had gripped him, and now it made him want to shout it out. In fact, a smile appeared on his face every time he thought about Brian holding him.

 

He was currently on campus, but was about to go back to Emmett’s. Standing in front of the entrance to the professors’ offices, he had just left Mrs. Moore, his history art professor, who had nicely offered to let Justin borrow a book he had wanted to read for some time.

 

Justin had bid goodbye to Mrs. Moore, and was now exiting the building. He stopped briefly in a corner to slide the book into the bag slung across his chest.

 

“Waiting for someone, Blondie?” Someone greeted him teasingly, and Justin felt his heart skip a beat as he recognized _his_ voice. Gazing up, his eyes met a smirking Brian. Justin was surprised to see him here, even though he knew Brian was taking some courses in advertising at Carnegie Mellon.

 

“Hey, Brian…” He responded, smiling bashfully. _Fuck, this was hard. How was he supposed to act around Brian now?_

 

“Feeling better?” There was gentleness in Brian’s tone that made Justin pause. His eyes bored into hazel ones, and he felt his heart beat faster; he didn’t see any trace of sarcasm in the man’s posture, but nonetheless he quickly averted his gaze.

 

“Yeah…” He finally peered again at Brian, who wasn’t showing any signs of leaving as he searched in his pocket for something. He pulled out his phone and looked at it for a second before placing it back in his jacket pocket.

 

“Hey…” Justin called over to him, causing Brian to gaze up at him, raising his eyebrows. “I…” Justin hesitated, but there was really no other way to say it. “Thank you.”

 

Brian stared at him. Justin felt himself blush.

 

Eventually, Brian stated sincerely, “You fucking scared me.”

 

Justin sighed. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Apologies are useless,” Brian responded, making Justin squirm.

“No, they’re not,” Justin refuted firmly. “If not for you, I don’t know what could have happened.”

 

Brian seemed to reconsider his words. “You were pretty out of it, I will give you that. Care to tell me what happened to you?”

 

“I lost it, obviously,” Justin replied with a nervous laugh, feigning a joke as he avoided looking directly at Brian. He really didn’t want to talk about the real reason for his meltdown while he stood in the middle of campus. Moreover, he wasn’t sure yet that he could trust Brian, even if he realized surprisingly that he wanted to.

 

Brian tilted his head, his gaze never altering as he kept staring intently at Justin; it seemed like he was searching for an answer by observing the young man’s demeanor. “I know that. I was there,” he pointed out, not buying Justin’s words; of course he knew it was merely a way to avoid his question.

 

Justin didn’t respond. Brian came closer. “Okay, Blondie. You don’t have to share your feelings if you don’t want to. In fact, it’s actually better this way. Talking about this shit makes my dick soft, and we wouldn’t want that, would we?” he quipped, as he pushed a lock of hair away from Justin’s face, letting his hand touch his skin for a moment too long.

 

Justin suddenly had trouble breathing, as he felt a spark ignite within his body. He didn’t dare look up for fear it would prove to be too much. But the touch felt….the touch felt so hot. So amazing. So…

 

 _God, what was happening to him?_ Here he was, in the middle of campus, letting a man he barely knew touch him, and yet he couldn’t move. He didn’t want to.

 

“Fuck, you’re so easy,” Brian chuckled, sensing that Justin was affected by his teasing.

 

“Fuck you!” Justin’s snapped, his defense mechanics suddenly back in full force; he attempted to turn around, but Brian prevented him from escaping by gripping his forearm.

 

“Hey!” Justin stared at Brian’s hand on his arm. He wanted to pull away, but he didn’t. Following Justin’s gaze, Brian released his grip before shaking his head. “I’m just being a dick, but anybody who knows me will tell you that I don’t bite,” he declared seriously; his lips turned upward, however, as he added, “Unless you want me to.”

 

Justin couldn’t believe the man’s boldness. Furthermore, he was appalled to feel his heart beating faster in response to Brian’s words. Turning to face him completely, he demanded, “What do you want, Brian? You want to put me in your bed, is that it?”

 

A mischievous gleam appeared in Brian’s eyes, as he fought not to smile. “What if I do?”

 

Justin snorted. He hated himself for being affected by this conversation. “You fuck everything that moves. You really think I want to be just one of your tricks?”

 

Brian responded with a shrug. “I don’t know. You tell me.” But Justin could also see that there was no real malice in Brian’s words. He was honest to a fault, maybe, but at the same time, it was good to talk with someone who didn’t know his past and didn’t treat him like a fragile doll.

 

Justin glanced down and shook his head. “Fuck, you’re so infuriating.”

 

Brian snorted playfully, quipping, “Yeah, it makes me proud.”

 

Justin gazed away for a moment, seemingly observing a couple walking nearby. A silence ensued, but neither man moved. “How do you do it?” Justin eventually asked.

 

“Do what?” Brian frowned.

 

Justin took a deep breath, and gestured with his hands. “How can you have sex with all these guys?”

 

Brian responded immediately. “It’s easy. I love sex. And I’m good at it. No bullshit, just pleasure; what’s not to like? Don’t tell me you don’t like sex. Every gay man loves sex.”

 

“Well, maybe _I_ don’t,” Justin tried. In front of Brian’s pointed stare, he relented, “Okay, I do. But…” He didn’t finish his sentence. How was he supposed to explain to Brian that even if he had enjoyed sex once, being close to someone like that now scared him to death? Sure, he had made progress in the passing months, but how could he actually ever take that step?

 

“But what?” Brian pushed. Justin was surprised that Brian seemed to be genuinely interested in knowing more about him.

 

Justin shook his head. He preferred not to reveal anything. He wasn’t comfortable discussing a private matter in broad daylight, with all the passers-by surrounding them. It was already a small miracle that he had felt quite good staying here while they talked. In fact, he was surprised to realize that if the circumstances had been different, he might have been willing to share more about himself with Brian. For now, though, he couldn’t. “Nothing. I don’t even know why I’m discussing this with you.”

 

A goofy smile appeared on Brian’s face. “Because I’m irresistible.”

 

Justin countered with an amused stare back at him, chuckling, “And full of yourself.”

 

“Yeah, that too,” Brian agreed, pinching his lips. “What are you doing tonight?”

 

“Tonight?” Justin frowned, surprised by Brian’s question. “I… I don’t know. Why?”

 

“You could go with us to Babylon. I’m meeting the guys there,” Brian explained.

 

 _Wow. Brian actually wanted him around?_ Justin couldn’t help but muse. Miracles do exist. But of course, it was out of the question that he would go. So, Justin declined. “I…No.”

 

“No?” Brian didn’t look thrilled. Justin doubted that a lot of men actually ever answered one of his propositions with a no, even if it was just to hang out with some friends.

 

Not wanting Brian to think that he was just being an ungrateful shit, Justin offered by way of explanation, “Too many people.” He averted his gaze, feeling almost shy now that he had revealed out loud that he felt uncomfortable when he was surrounded by strangers. Of course, that shouldn’t be a surprise exactly; Brian must have already guessed that he wasn’t what you would call a people person, but he still felt vulnerable because of his admission.

 

Brian stared at him, again, and Justin had the feeling that Brian’s gaze was reaching for something inside of him. “What are you not telling me here?” Brian eventually mused out loud, raising one eyebrow.

 

“Why do you care?” Justin retorted a little too curtly, cursing himself inwardly for being so defensive when it was evident that Brian only wanted to understand why he acted the way he did. He should feel grateful for the interest, but he couldn’t help having his guard up nonetheless.

 

Brian sighed, giving up. “Okay. I will see you later then. And Justin?”

 

“Yeah?” Justin responded warily.

 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Brian declared with an open look on his face. His eyes lingered on Justin’s face for a long moment - too long - before he eventually turned around and walked away.

 

Justin had trouble tearing his eyes away from his retreating form.

 

*****************

 

**_Fifteen minutes later, Emmett’s apartment..._ **

 

As Justin closed the front door of the apartment and took a few steps towards the kitchen area, his gaze fell upon Jesse’s back, who was sitting on the couch, alone. The man appeared to be so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t acknowledge his presence at first.

 

“Jesse?” Justin called out to him quietly. Jesse seemed startled for an instant before finally looking up through his glasses as the young man positioned himself by his side.

“Hi, Justin.” Jesse smiled warmly at him, before lowering his head and gazing away.

 

“You okay?” Justin asked. Jesse peered at him briefly, obviously trying to disguise the fact that he wasn’t feeling too great, but he couldn’t hide the shadow that briefly appeared on his face, confirming Justin’s first intuition.

 

“I’m fine,” Jesse responded, lying. “What about you?”

 

“I’m okay. I just saw Brian on campus,” Justin revealed nonchalantly.

 

“How was he?” Jesse questioned as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“Brian? Okay, I guess.” Justin stayed elusive. No need to share how that particular conversation had gone, and how affected he had been with Brian’s demeanor.

 

“Hmm…” Jesse answered absently, not really listening.

 

“You’re sure everything is alright?” In reaction to Jesse’s interrogating stare, Justin explained, “You’re sitting alone on the couch with nobody around, doing nothing,” he explained, smiling slightly.

 

“You’re perceptive.” Jesse grinned, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He and Justin had never been alone, just the two of them, so it was the first time that they had had an opportunity to talk. Jesse didn’t want to bore Justin with his little problems, even though he inexplicably felt at ease with him. Emmett was quite fond of the young man, and Jesse trusted his friend’s judgment. “It’s just…I don’t want to burden you with my problems.”

 

“You wouldn’t be,” Justin hastily assured him. He didn’t know why, but he truly wanted to know what was happening to Jesse. Perhaps somehow he could help him. “I swear,” he insisted. “Tell me…”

 

“Okay, then…” Jesse sighed. Maybe talking with someone would help him put things into perspective, even though he doubted it. He was open to talking about himself and his lover, however. “I’m seeing this guy…Aaron, that’s his name. He is…not an easy man.” Jesse laughed sarcastically and Justin raised his eyebrows as Jesse’s laughter died. But sensing that Justin was listening, he continued, “I met him a little over a year ago on Liberty. He’s thirty-three and had never been in a relationship before,” he told him. “At first, we were fuck buddies; nothing more, and I was satisfied with that. But now…I don’t know. He’s kind of pushing me away, always telling me that he’s busy with his work, his friends, his mother, his dog and all that shit; whatever…” he trailed off.

 

“You care about him,” Justin stated. It was obvious; Jesse’s eyes had lit up when he had pronounced Aaron’s name.

 

“Yeah…I…have feelings for him,” Jesse confided, surprising Justin with his ease in talking about it. He bent over and placed his face in his hands. Straightening himself back up after a moment, he cursed, “Fuck…why does everything have to be so complicated? Relationships suck, you know?”

 

Justin snorted, “I wouldn’t know, but…”

 

“You’ve never been with anyone?” Jesse interrupted him, peering at him in surprise. He was shocked that a guy like Justin had never been in a relationship. He was a beautiful young man.

 

Justin responded with a shake of his head. “None that have ever mattered, anyway. And I doubt it will happen for some time.”

 

Jesse huffed. He wasn’t convinced, obviously. “Don’t say that. It will happen before you know it. One morning you will wake up and realize that you’re in love, and you won’t even have seen it coming before it’s too late. Believe me; I’ve been there.”

 

“Maybe,” Justin agreed reluctantly, even if he didn’t believe it for one second. “Do you think that Aaron feels the same way about you?”

 

“Hard to tell. He’s never told me in so many words…” Jesse leaned back on the couch. “Why do I always bond with people who are emotionally stunted? First Brian, then Aaron…”

 

“You and Brian?” Justin knew they were good friends, but nobody had told him that they had been together once. Oddly enough, he was surprised to realize that he wasn’t thrilled by this revelation; even annoyed by it.

 

“No…” Jesse tried to deny it, but he soon realized that he had said too much, and that Justin wouldn’t be fooled. Peering at Justin’s questioning gaze, he revealed, “I mean, yes. Once…and it was a disaster.” He sighed and rubbed his face before explaining, “I met him and Michael in high school when we were sixteen. I’d just moved here with my brother. At first, I had a big crush on Brian...He was so hot and bold and, you know, I was young and stupid. Michael was pissed, because I spent my time chasing after him. And the bastard was just enjoying the situation too much. He always _did_ love to have his own private cheerleaders.”

 

Jesse grinned fondly. “But we became friends, the three of us. Michael and I were always fighting like dickheads, but it was for fun, you know? And then one day, when we were seniors in high school, Brian and I went to Babylon, just the two of us, because Michael had gone to visit his uncle Vic in New York. And, I don’t know…We were high and drunk and out of our minds, and one thing led to another… I woke up in bed the next morning at my big brother’s place with Brian by my side.”

 

Justin frowned as Jesse explained, “I’ve lived with my half-brother Jacob ever since I was fifteen, when my mother died. He basically raised me - I never knew my father. In senior year we had this small apartment downtown. And today I still live with him in the guest house of his and his wife Andrea’s new home in the suburbs.”

 

Jesse went on, “Anyway, when I woke up in that bed with Brian, I realized right away that it had been a huge mistake; the memories that came to my mind then…God, it was so bad, and I was so ashamed! So, I pretended I didn’t remember for months.”

 

Justin had trouble believing that sex with Brian could be anything but amazing, as he heard the moans and groans of pleasure from every single one of his tricks, and it sure as hell wasn’t the kind of noises a man would make if the sex wasn’t great. But he didn’t point that out. He let Jesse finish his tale instead.

 

“It was so fucking awkward! We pretended that we had forgotten all about the previous night, and we just ignored the whole thing. But of course, our relationship became strained. Brian was avoiding me, and so was I. In fact, we didn’t talk much for six months after that. And then…”

 

Jesse paused, suddenly appearing uncomfortable. Justin suspected that there was something that he didn’t want to talk about.

 

“Fuck, I shouldn’t even talk to you about this. He would murder me if he knew I told you,” Jesse declared, confirming Justin’s suspicions. Something had happened, and it had to do with Brian. Justin remembered Emmett saying something similar about Brian going through a hard time a few years back.

 

But even so, Jesse’s short affair with Brian surely wasn’t a secret. “I doubt that. It’s not like it’s a big secret that you and he…” Justin began, but Jesse’s gaze soon made him realize that he might be wrong. “It is?”

 

Jesse snorted. “Except for Michael and Emmett, I’m not sure anyone knows.”

 

“How did you patch things up, then?” Justin wondered.

 

“He needed me,” was all Jesse said. “And it turned out he did remember that night, like me. We’d just been pathetic fools, wanting to protect each other. And we almost fucked up our friendship over this stupid mistake. Believe me, you should never fuck friends,” Jesse advised wisely.

 

“Was it that bad?” Justin asked playfully. His curiosity was piqued by then.

 

“Worse that you could ever imagine.” Justin raised one eyebrow in response, making Jesse laugh. Eventually, he confided, “Neither of us came. And believe me, it NEVER happened again; just that one time.”

 

“It sure must have been weird, then.” Justin chuckled. He tried to imagine having sex with Emmett, but the mere thought made him shudder. “Well, your secret is safe with me.”

 

“It better be. Brian would have a fit if he knew I told you.”

 

“You’re right; he wouldn’t want to have his image as the perfect stud tainted,” Justin agreed with a laugh.

 

He didn’t expect Jesse’s reply, though. “Well, that’s a given. But I’m not sure that’s the only reason,” he replied before clearing his throat. Silently communicating that their conversation about Brian was over, he stood up. “You’re going with us to Babylon tonight, right? We’re all going to celebrate the end of the semester.”

 

But Justin couldn’t help focusing on what Jesse had just said about Brian. He wasn’t sure exactly what Jesse was implying with his response. Brian surely didn’t care about what he thought, did he? “I’m beat. I still need to recover fully from the pneumonia, so I think I will pass for tonight,” Justin responded.

 

“Okay, then. It’s getting late and I promised Jacob I’d come back early to help him with some chores. See you later. Maybe next week? We’re all invited to Michael’s mother’s house to celebrate Christmas. You should come. She will adore you,” Jesse assured him with a smile on his face, grabbing his jacket from the nearby chair.

 

“I will keep that in mind. I normally spend Christmas with my mom, though.” Justin smiled back, standing up to accompany Jesse to the door.

 

“It’s not a problem. Since a lot of us are stuck with our own family, Debbie decided to invite us all on the 26th,” Jesse informed him. “Think about it. Later!”

 

Jesse left. Justin stayed immobile near the door afterward, thinking about the conversation they’d just shared.

 

His thoughts couldn’t help but drift to Brian again, as he was feeling that there was something he was missing about him. And he wanted to know what it was.

 

The thought should scare him, but it didn’t.

 

 

 


	11. Who's left behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present time: September 2014
> 
> Brian and Justin deal with the aftermath of their encounter at Woody's...
> 
> ** Special Thanks to Kim, who has done an outstanding job on this chapter, as always **

****

****

**_September 2014, Saturday night, two hours_ ** **_later…_ **

****

****

The feeling of a tongue on the skin of his neck made him open his eyes. Fingers were running, almost dancing on his body, gripping his jeans, searching for a way in. The darkness surrounding them felt oddly comforting, as Brian closed his eyes again and leaned back on the couch, just as his trick caressed his pubes and reached for his cock.

 

 

When he opened them once more, he couldn't help but gasp as his eyes locked with lust and desire; another man had entered the room and was staring at them, at _him_. Brian held his gaze, even when his trick eventually took him into his mouth. The pleasure was intense as he shut off his brain, choosing instead to concentrate on the sweet escape growing inside his body; soon, he was flying.

 

 

The man standing by the door opened his fly, and then a fourth man entered and stopped behind him. The new guy slipped his hands under the other man’s t-shirt slowly, and leaned in to taste the skin offered him. He led his companion towards the nearby wall, guiding his hand to his cock.

 

 

Brian enjoyed the show immensely. Issuing commands to his trick merely with his eyes, he soon was letting him ride him, his stare rarely leaving the other couple in the room. He was high from the E and the copious amount of booze he had consumed, but most of all from the pleasure he was feeling, and he was loving every second of it.

 

 

When it ended, he came with the impressive cock of his partner pulsing in his hand; the guy had almost collapsed, his face buried in Brian's neck, and Brian moaned with barely audible cries of pleasure as his cock was milked by the forceful spasms of the man's insides.

 

 

He didn't know how long he stayed there after that. He was too far gone to care. The three men who were with him had left by the time he heard someone calling for him.

 

 

"Brian? Brian, come _on_!"

 

 

The sound of his best friend's voice, as well as the persistent shake on his shoulder, finally registered in his brain as he opened his eyes. Michael was standing in front of him, looking concerned and pissed.

 

 

"I got your message," Michael announced curtly.

 

 

Brian merely nodded. He had texted his friend when he had arrived at the Baths. He'd already known he'd be in no condition to go home on his own.

 

 

"Fuck, Brian! What happened to you?"

 

 

He didn't respond. By now, he had trouble concentrating on looking straight at his friend. It seemed that there were four Michaels in the dark room, and furthermore they were spinning. It was distracting.

 

 

"Mikey, Mikey!" Brian sing-songed drunkenly. He smiled stupidly and leaned back on the couch where he was half-sitting, half-lying.

 

 

"Jesus..." Michael mumbled as he took out his phone. He pressed a button and put it to his ear. "It's me... Yeah... He's here... No. I need help." He slapped his phone shut and sighed, finally peering back over at his friend. Brian was still half-undressed, and Michael groaned before helping him straighten up. "We have to go."

 

 

"Go?" Brian repeated, letting his friend do God knows what... _Oh, yeah, he was refastening the buttons of his shirt and jeans. Why was he doing that?_ "You don't want to see my cock?" He frowned. How could Michael miss this opportunity? How could _anyone_?

 

 

Michael just gave him a look, the 'I'm going to gag you' one, and Brian began to giggle, imagining Michael doing just that. That was just kinky. "I always knew you were that kind of man. I'm so proud of you, Mikey," Brian stated with a goofy grin, and Michael responded with a shake of his head.

 

 

Just then, Ben entered the room, taking in the scene before him. Positioning himself by his husband’s side, he asked concernedly, "Are you okay?"

 

 

Michael nodded. "Let's go,” he ordered as he and Ben placed themselves on either side of Brian to help him get up.

 

 

"Whoa..." Brian felt his legs give in, but strong arms prevented him from falling. Everything around him was spinning.

 

 

"What happened?" Ben asked when he realized how fucked-up Brian really was.

 

 

"Not sure... But we can safely say that he had quite a party tonight," Michael volunteered while dragging Brian out of the room and towards the exit.

 

 

*************************************

 

 

 **_Michael and Ben's place, Sunday_ ** **_morning_ ** _…_

****

 

When Brian opened his eyes, it took him a full minute to realize that he wasn't at the loft. He was too busy trying to block out a never-ending headache from crushing him for good. Of course, he suspected that the booze and drugs hadn't helped to improve his condition.

 

 

Straightening himself up, his gaze swept over the room, and he sighed as memories from the night before surged back into his mind. His father. Justin. The Baths...

 

 

He was almost surprised his best friend had agreed to come take him back to his home, considering he had texted him at an ungodly hour before proceeding to get high as fast as he could. Moreover, Michael had just come home from his comic book convention, and he must have wanted to spend a quiet evening with his lovely husband.

 

 

Just the thought made Brian shudder. Not that he had anything against Ben Bruckner. The man was fucking hot, and even he had to admit that he was good for Michael. But a quiet evening at home like a good little Stepford fag? Just thinking the words made him want to gag. He might have grown up and become more accepting about relationships, couples and all that shit, but some spontaneous reactions were still hard to control.

 

 

He didn't know what time it was. Unsurprisingly, Michael and Ben had undressed him before putting him to bed, but he couldn't see his clothes nor his phone anywhere in the room. So, there was only one place left to check...

 

 

He managed to get up from the bed, and exited the guest room to go to the bathroom.

 

 

Entering, he smiled as he noticed his clothes and his phone placed neatly on a chair situated in the corner. It was scary to realize how well he knew his friend. Peering at his cell, he noticed that it was barely eight a.m. Maybe he could just sneak out of the house without being seen, and therefore avoid the onslaught of questions Michael would no doubt throw at him the first chance he got.

 

 

 _Yes. It was better not to abuse their hospitality. They already had done more than they should have, anyway; no need to bother them with group therapy._ Brian was sure that if he stayed, Michael would demand answers about his questionable behavior, and Ben would join in to share his wise views on psychology. As if Brian had ever listened to any of that bullshit.

 

 

So he put on his clothes silently. He exited the bathroom and shuffled down the carpeted stairs, grateful for once in his life that Michael didn't share his tastes for expensive wooden floors, which would surely creak under his feet at any moment and threaten to wake up the entire house.

 

 

Brian descended the stairs carefully before he finally arrived downstairs. A grin appeared on his face as he saw his jacket lying on the couch. As he was about to grab it, however, he froze when he heard an amused voice.

 

 

"Morning."

 

 

Turning around, his gaze fell upon Ben, who was calmly drinking some unknown beverage and eating slices of banana and apple while reading a newspaper at the kitchen counter.

 

 

Brian signed deeply. So much for a quiet escape.

 

 

***********

 

 

"What was he thinking? What were YOU thinking? Seriously, Brian, this is completely fucked up!"

 

 

Michael was pacing in the kitchen and Brian peered at him with his eyebrows raised as he leaned on the counter behind him.

 

 

After Ben had informed him that Michael would like him to stay for breakfast, Brian had relented. He was surprised that Ben didn’t try to make him talk about his previous behavior. Michael joined them just when Brian was about to drink his second cup of coffee, and after a few awkward minutes, Ben left them on their own while Brian braced himself for what was coming.

 

 

Michael had figured it out pretty quickly. Brian tried for as long as he could to avoid talking about the night before, but eventually, Michael called him on his bullshit. Brian, not one to lie or to be ashamed of what he'd done or who he'd been with, did not try to deny it when Michael assumed that he had seen Justin; hence, Michael's meltdown right now. His friend had never really forgiven Justin for leaving him.

 

 

"He really thinks that you're going to become best buddies after everything that happened?" Michael mused out loud, peering over at his friend.

 

 

Brian merely shrugged in response. He really didn't want to talk about Justin now. "He’s a WASP. It's imprinted in his DNA. He can't help it if he needs to socialize with people.”

 

 

Michael paused and just gave him a look. "Right. You will do as you want anyway. But I can't understand how you can be so calm about it."

 

 

"What the fuck do you want me to do? He just moved here. But that doesn't mean we're going to see each other. He has his life. I have mine."

 

 

Michael didn’t seem convinced. Truthfully, after his fabulous show the night before, Brian didn’t expect him to believe in what he was trying to sell. Justin had always had some kind of power over him, and Michael knew it. And he also knew him well enough not to be fooled by his supposed ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude. Yet, Michael surprised him when he didn’t push it, asking instead, "You're going to see Gus?"

 

 

Brian nodded. "Yeah. I told Lindsay that I would take him out to lunch today. He was disappointed that I didn't come last night."

 

 

"You're going to visit Jack, too?" Michael inquired.

 

 

"Maybe. But what I want is to spend some time with my son."

 

 

Michael suggested carefully, "You could always go together to see him. I'm sure he would be happy to see Gus."

 

 

Brian sighed. He took Gus regularly to visit Jack. He wasn’t sure why he had even decided to allow Gus to know more about his grandfather in the first place, but it had felt like the right thing to do. When Gus had turned five years old, he had questioned him about his parents, and Brian had tried as best he could to answer him. He didn’t believe in keeping his son in the dark regarding where he came from. Of course, he didn’t tell him about Jack being responsible for his mother and sister’s death, but Lindsay had explained that they had ‘gone to heaven’ because of a car accident when Brian was younger, while Jack, his grandfather, had survived. Explaining to a five-year-old boy that Jack had been left brain-damaged had been harder, though, but it turned out that Gus didn’t care. Since the first day he had met Jack, the two had bonded so easily that it had made Brian’s heart ache. Every time he sees the two of them together, he has mixed feelings, but he can’t deny that whatever they are, the feelings are strong.

 

 

Their bond is definitely real. Gus has the power to make everything look so simple, as if loving another human being was the most natural thing in the world.

 

 

"Well...We’ll just have to wait and see if Gus wants to go or not. It's his call," Brian eventually responded to his friend’s question.

 

 

Michael had noticed the look on his friend’s face when he had mentioned a visit to his father. "Everything all right?"

 

 

Brian pinched his lips and shrugged. Michael came closer and engulfed him in a hug, before whispering in his ear, "You know that if you..."

 

 

Brian hugged him back, but he cut him off immediately. "I know, Mikey..." And he did. He knew exactly what his friend was trying to say, and the truth was he was thankful for Michael’s support; hell, for all his friends’ support. Nevertheless, he hated it when they made him feel like it was okay to mourn, whine or whatever shit people did with their lives when they were facing major changes or setbacks. What was the point in appearing affected when he had no fucking way to change the outcome? He just had to suck it up and deal with it. Period.

 

 

After all, feeling sorry about what he was going through, or even what his father was experiencing on a day-to-day basis, wouldn’t change anything. And sharing his feelings about it? It made him want to crawl in his own skin.

 

 

Of course, he knew it wasn’t exactly true. Even if he was annoyed every time his friends tried to make him talk about his feelings, he was also fucking grateful. That was what love was all about, right? Brian was still amazed that some of them had stayed by his side after all these years and all his fuck-ups. That he had not lost them _all_.

 

 

He hugged Michael some more before stepping back, a half-smirk on his face. "Well, you can do one thing for me.”

 

 

“What?” Michael asked suspiciously.

 

 

“Take a shower," Brian demanded with a grin.

 

 

"Hey!" Michael grinned back and slapped him on the arm. " _You’re t_ he one who spent half of your evening in a dark room full of horny, sweaty, drunken men. I smell like a rose next to _you_!"

 

 

"I'm the most natural cause of triggering spontaneous reactions to pheromones, Mikey. My body is a superpower. That’s why every man wants to lick and bite me all the time."

 

 

Michael just rolled his eyes.

 

 

*******************************

 

 

After his conversation with Michael, Brian went home, crashed for two more hours, got up, showered and drove over to collect Gus. Before stepping out of his car, he had called the Institute to check on his father to see if it would be a good time to visit if Gus wanted to. It seemed that Jack had completely forgotten about his crisis the day before, so Brian was informed that his father was having a good day. He didn’t know if he felt appalled or relieved by the news.

 

 

Melanie answered the door. “Brian. You’re actually on time. Bad day?”

 

 

Brian smirked. “Hello to you, too. What a lovely shirt you’re sporting. Is the carnival in town?”

 

 

“Always the flatterer, aren’t you? And by the way, you look like shit,” Melanie retorted sarcastically.

 

 

“I do my best. Are you letting me in, or are we going to keep chatting like a pair of dykes on the porch all day?” Brian countered back. While he and Mel had not had the best of relationships to begin with – that would be an understatement – they eventually had learned to respect and even appreciate each other over the years. Still, playing on each other’s nerves had become a hobby that neither of them was willing to give up.

 

 

“Gus is in the backyard, waiting for you,” Mel informed him as he entered. Brian just nodded curtly and headed towards the back door. Turning the handle, he stepped outside and noticed his son a few feet away, playing with a soccer ball. Gus looked up and smiled at him.

 

 

“Dad!” Gus ran to his father and Brian had just enough time to bend over and catch him before his arms were full of a happy, seven-year-old boy.

 

 

“Sonny Boy…” Brian greeted his son, ruffling his hair gently before straightening himself up.

 

 

“Are we going now?” Gus asked cheerfully as soon as he extracted himself from his father’s embrace.

 

 

“Anytime you’re ready,” Brian told him with a smile. “Something special you want to do today?”

 

 

“Can we go to see Jack? It’s been more than a month since I’ve seen him.”

 

 

“Okay. Whatever you want. We can go and grab something to eat first. I’ll call him on the way to tell him we’ll be there to see him later.”

 

 

“Brian.” He heard his old friend calling for him as he turned around. Lindsay was at the door a few feet away, smiling at him. “Gus, go get your jacket, Sweetheart.”

 

 

“Okay, Mom.” Gus did as he was asked and headed inside.

 

 

Lindsay came closer. Brian hadn’t moved. He finally leaned in to kiss her on the cheek and smiled. “Hey.”

 

 

“Is your father okay?”

 

 

“It seems so,” Brian answered nonchalantly.

 

 

“You don’t fool anyone, you know?” Lindsay stated with soft eyes. She knew that even if Brian wanted to appear unaffected, he really wasn't.

 

 

Brian peered at her and chose to ignore her offer to talk about it. “Gus wants to see Jack. We’ll head over to Jamie’s, and then we’ll spend some time at the park near the Institute. I’ll have him back by six.”

 

 

“Okay.” Lindsay nodded. She paused before asking. “What happened yesterday? You seemed pretty agitated when you called to cancel your plans with Gus.”

 

 

Brian responded calmly, “Jack had a bad crisis.” He shrugged. He wasn’t ready to reveal more to his friend right now. He wanted to enjoy his time with Gus, and to stop thinking about what his father’s crisis might mean for the future.

 

 

Lindsay must have sensed that he didn’t want to talk about it. “Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m not inviting eight children here at one time again for at least the next twenty years. Not even to please our son.”

 

 

Brian chuckled. “That bad, huh?”

 

 

“You have no idea,” Lindsay responded with a roll of her eyes.

 

 

“Dad! I’m ready. Let’s go!” Gus shouted from the door before dashing back inside the house, obviously expecting his father to follow him immediately.

 

 

“You heard my master,” Brian told Lindsay. “I’m out of here.” He hurried to the door and opened it.

 

 

“Don’t spoil him too much again!” Lindsay warned him, but Brian merely waved at her in response before leaving with his son.

 

 

**********************************************************************

 

 

 **_A few hours later, the park_ ** _**near the Institute…**_

 

 

“Look at the butterfly!” Gus shouted with delight.

 

 

Jack giggled, walking closer to where Gus was standing as they both peered at the multicolored butterfly that was flying near a yellow flower bed. Brian had stayed a few feet behind on the main path, letting the two of them enjoy the simple wonders that the park had to offer.

 

 

“Gus, be careful,” Brian warned when he saw his son trying to climb onto a long, dead branch.

 

 

“It’s okay, Dad. Grandpa Jack will catch me if I fall,” Gus responded with confidence. Jack stayed by his side and grabbed his hand as he took an unsteady step on the branch. Brian sighed and joined them. Better to be safe than sorry.

 

 

“Gus, Look! A rabbit!” Jack joyfully announced, pointing to the base of a chestnut tree nearby with his finger. A single brown rabbit was sniffling around, ready to bolt at any sign of danger, causing the three of them to stay still in order not to scare the little ball of fur. Yes, even Brian reluctantly played along.

 

 

Gus and Jack giggled with delight as Brian just rolled his eyes in response; yet, he couldn’t help but stare at his father and his son, the same way he always did whenever the two of them were marveling at those things his eyes didn’t stop to admire anymore, if ever. It was overwhelming to witness Jack and Gus together, and to rediscover things through their eyes. These moments were precious, whether Brian realized it or not. Because of them, Brian didn’t regret his choice to be a part of Jack’s life again. And even more, he felt like a fool every time he thought about his vehement wish never to be a father in the first place. A complete, stupid fool.

 

 

Peering at the rabbit, he noticed that he was slowly jumping away, and he gazed back at his son, who appeared to be focused on the branch again. It made him smile.

 

 

After a short time, Gus decided to come back to the safety of the earth, and Jack helped him not to fall. As soon as he was back on solid ground, Gus began to run around them, mimicking the sounds of a sports car, before stopping to look at something else that had caught his interest beneath his feet.

 

 

“Gus is a beautiful kid, Brian.”

 

 

Brian’s head snapped at the words as he looked at his father who, unbeknownst to him, had walked closer to him and was now peering over at him with a gentle gaze.

 

 

“You must have been beautiful, too, when you were a child, right?” Jack asked innocently, his eyes reflecting that he was being genuine.

 

 

Brian had trouble breathing. No matter how much time had passed since his father’s accident, he always had a hard time dealing with touches of sentimentality when they came from this man. The contrast with the Jack he’d known before was overwhelming, and Brian cursed inwardly when he felt a rush of _something_ coursing inside him against his will. He didn’t dare acknowledge what it really was.

 

 

“Yes, you two are beautiful. The most beautiful people in the world!” Jack concluded happily, before approaching even closer with the clear intention of giving Brian a hug. Brian was so shaken by the notion that he didn’t even realize when he stepped back, preventing his father from effectively taking him into his arms.

 

 

“What’s wrong?” Jack inquired, frowning.

 

 

“I don’t like to be hugged, you know that,” Brian half-lied, using a low voice to control his emotions. No need for Jack to know how affected he was by his words.

 

 

“But you hug Gus all the time…” Jack pointed out.

 

 

“Gus is my son, Jack,” Brian responded sternly. He didn’t care if it was a stupid thing to say.

 

 

“But you’re my son, too…” Jack countered back, visibly pained by Brian’s words. “I know I’m not the father that you wanted. I’m dumb.”

 

 

“You’re not…” Brian began, but Jack interrupted him.

 

 

“I might be dumb and slow, but you’re my son and I’m your father. I like to be your father. I’m proud of it.”

 

 

Brian’s breath caught in his throat. _Fuck._ It was hard for him to hear his father talking like that, and knowing that the real Jack Kinney would certainly never have agreed with this man made it even more difficult. Moreover, Brian wasn’t sure that Jack really comprehended what being a father implied.

 

 

Brian, therefore, didn’t have the strength to think of a proper answer. He gazed away and pinched his lips.

 

 

Jack looked at him and sighed. He knew that Brian was not a man to open up about his feelings, but he didn’t understand why he always held back. He might be dumb, but it was clear in his mind. Surely Brian loved him if he kept coming to see him, right? He wouldn’t come if he didn’t.  

 

 

Jack knew he loved Brian. And Gus. And Michael, Emmett and Ted, Lindsay and Melanie, Brian’s friends. And Debbie, Michael’s mother. And Dr. Collier. Vicky, Carol, Trevor. He loved all those people. He loved everyone. Well, not everyone. He didn’t love Sam. She was mean. But he would love to see Brian’s friends more. Maybe he could ask his son to take him to Debbie’s house again. He had only been there a few times, but he loved it there. He found it pretty. Although, he needed to ask Brian about _them_. He kept seeing them a lot now. He didn’t know why, or who they were, but he needed to know, because seeing them made him sad. He didn’t like being sad.

 

 

“I see _them_ , you know?” He revealed.

 

 

“Who?” Brian inquired, frowning.

 

 

“Faces. Images. I don’t like it. I’m screaming sometimes. But it’s not me. It just can’t be. It’s someone else who has taken possession of my body,” Jack shared with conviction.

 

 

The realization of what it meant dawned on Brian, who just stared at his father intensely. He _remembered_. Maybe it was just a part of it, but he was sure he did. “What do you see? And what do you mean by you’re screaming?”

 

 

“I see images. A woman. A girl. Gus, I think…But somehow he’s older. But he can’t be, can he? I don’t understand that part…”

 

 

“What part?”

 

 

“I’m screaming at the older Gus, but it’s not him, or is it? I don’t understand. I’m talking about respect and telling him to get in a car. What is respect, Brian?”

 

 

Brian had to close his eyes at that point. How was he supposed to deal with this? Jack obviously remembered their last scene together before the accident, the one that still haunted his dreams from time to time. He had dealt with his guilt years before, thanks to Justin, mainly, but that particular moment in the kitchen of his childhood home had been and always would be a turning point in his life, with all the meaning that it carried. Therefore, he didn’t know what to say, and he was too involved to help his father with it, anyway, wasn’t he?

 

 

“Dad! Grandpa Jack! Come and look at this snail! He has a funny house on his back…” Gus called over to the two men, and Brian had never been so happier that his son had cut him off in the middle of a conversation, even though he normally would have disapproved of it.

 

 

“We’re coming, Sonny Boy!” Brian called to his son, his eyes never leaving Jack’s troubled gaze, and the man seemed to understand that Brian wasn’t going to answer him willingly.

 

 

“I don’t know what to do with the images. And I don’t like them,” Jack pleaded with Brian, hoping that his son would help him understand what it all meant. They didn’t make any sense.

 

 

“Listen, Jack…” Brian tried. “I’m not… I don’t know how to explain those images to you.” Jack gazed up at him with expectation. “But we can talk about them with Dr. Collier. I’m sure she will know how to help you.” Brian wasn’t ready to make the same mistake he had already made before when he had pressed his father about his memories; not after the episode of the day before. He also knew he wasn’t ready to deal with it alone.

 

 

“Will you be with me?” Jack asked immediately, the anguish at dealing with this on his own clearly visible on his face.

 

 

“I will try, if it makes you feel better… But ultimately, it’s Dr. Collier’s call; do you understand?” Brian replied gently, placing his hand on his father’s shoulder as he sought his attention.

 

 

Jack peered at him hesitantly, but eventually he nodded. “I understand.”

 

 

“Good,” Brian stated. “Now, I’m pretty sure Gus has something marvelous to show us. We wouldn’t want to disappoint him, would we?” Brian asked with a small grin, using the word ‘we’ to please Jack as he knew it would.

 

 

Jack just beamed at his son. “I love snails!” he announced, as if he had already forgotten all about their conversation. He trotted towards Gus, who was still kneeling a few feet away, engrossed in his observation of the little snail.

 

 

Brian wasn’t fooled. He didn’t know exactly how sensitive Jack really was about what surrounded him, or what the never-ending nightmare his life had become did to him. Was it really a nightmare to him, though? Or did his perspective of the world make all of it worth it? Did spending time with Brian and Gus make it worth it? Could he really not comprehend what had happened to him?

 

 

Whatever the answers, Brian wanted to help him. More precisely, this was actually the first time in seventeen years that he could acknowledge that he didn’t want to run anymore.

 

 

Taking a deep breath, his eyes swept over the scenery all around him. The sight of the majestic trees, their branches slowly undulating under the quiet force of the wind, soothed him as he listened to his son and his father’s laugher. With a new determination, he joined them and put a smile on his face.

 

 

*************

 

 **_Same time, Justin’s apartment_ ** **_…_ **

 

 

Justin was alone. Sitting at his kitchen counter, he was working on a project that was due by Tuesday at his employer’s when he heard a knock announcing an unexpected visitor. Frowning, he pushed back a lock of hair from his eyes and kept on drawing on his tablet, focusing on the last details of his creation. Nobody had ever come to his place since he'd moved in, not even Daphne, so it must be a mistake.

 

 

However, the intruder didn’t leave, but kept knocking again and again.

 

 

With a deep sigh, Justin reluctantly put his electronic pen away before standing up and heading toward the door. He turned the handle and froze as he opened it to reveal who his visitor was.

 

 

Michael was standing in front of him, a murderous look on his face, and Justin, who hadn’t seen or called the man in eight years, felt his body responding to his unexpected visit. His heart began to pound faster in his chest, a sudden rush of adrenaline coursing rapidly through his veins.

 

 

Unimportant questions collided in his head, such as 'how did you find me?’ or 'how many pounds did you gain since the last time I saw you?' or even, 'How come you didn't track me down sooner?'. Unsurprisingly, Justin had blocked out everything and everyone related to Brian for such a long time that his mind was having a hard time processing what was happening.

 

 

But since he had moved in, all of it was surging back. He had many memories with his former lover, but also with his friends. _Their_ friends. Although Michael had always been first and foremost Brian's, for a time Justin had thought of the man he was staring at right now as family, too. After those first few months when Michael had mainly ignored him, he had finally been there for him too many times to count, reassuring Justin about Brian's feelings whenever he had been close to giving up.

 

 

Still, it was another time, almost another life. He didn’t know Michael anymore, and except for the reports Emmett had given him — his friend being the only one with whom he had stayed in touch with after leaving — Michael Charles Novotny might as well be a stranger now.

 

 

“You really have some nerve,” Michael stated, the icy cold tone of his voice unmistakable.

 

 

Still, Justin was almost overwhelmed to hear his voice after so many years. “Michael…” He didn’t have time to say another word, though.

 

 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Michael barked, entering the apartment without Justin’s permission. Justin closed the door behind him and waited for the storm he was sure was coming. Michael’s voice was dangerously calm, however. Justin had never seen him acting like this. It didn’t signify anything good.

 

 

“Come in, why don’t you?” Justin snarled, unable to stop his defense mechanism from taking the upper hand, but he knew he was merely bracing himself for what was coming.

 

 

Michael stilled in front of him, glaring at him with daggers in his eyes. “You left him! You haven’t called him even once in fucking eight years!”

 

 

Justin stepped back, refusing to meet his gaze, and headed towards the kitchen cabinet to take out a glass before reaching for a bottle of water from the counter. He was hoping that Michael would just take a hint, even if he suspected it would no doubt be a hopeless wish.

 

 

Sure enough, Michael walked over to him. He stopped at his side and replied in a harsh tone, “You made him fall in love with you. And then, when it became too hard, you ran away.”

 

 

Justin almost flinched at his words, and stopped what he was doing. Putting the glass and bottle of water down, he leaned back with both hands on the counter. He wanted to make him stop, even if deep down he felt like he deserved Michael’s wrath. Gazing down, he responded in a weary voice, “Just stop your…”

 

 

Michael didn’t let him finish his sentence, however; he wasn’t listening at all. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done to him? Do you even care? You really think that barging into his life again and pretending nothing happened is okay? That everyone is going to welcome you with open arms?” Michael was quickly losing his temper, and Justin felt his words cutting through him. They were reaching that part of him that never forgave himself for leaving Brian.

 

 

He finally decided to face Michael and turned to look at him, the gesture of his hands betraying his inner turmoil. “I didn’t mean to hurt him by coming back. It’s been years! He’s moved on...” He faintly tried to come up with a poor defense, but even he didn’t really believe his words; not after his encounter with Brian the night before.

 

 

“You didn’t…” Michael started to repeat his words slowly, but then he began to laugh sarcastically. “Moved on? Christ, Justin! I thought you were smart, but you really are a fool if you think it’s that simple!” He stared at him in disbelief. “You just don’t get it, do you?”

 

 

“Michael…” Justin shook his head and looked away. That was enough. He turned to walk away from his former friend as he took a few steps towards the living room.

 

 

“You left…” Michael said, his voice accusatory as he followed along after him.

 

 

Justin didn’t reply, feigning to look at some sheets of paper on his desk. He felt drained by this whole conversation.

 

 

Michael stared at his back and blinked. “And here I thought we meant something to you…”

 

 

Justin turned around in order to look at him. “We? Michael, surely you aren’t implying…”

 

 

“I thought we were friends!” Michael shouted, but Justin heard the edge in his voice.

 

 

The words felt like a big punch to his face. “We _were_!” Justin responded loudly, taking a step towards the other man.

 

 

Michael raised his eyebrows. “Were we? Because as far as I’m concerned, I don’t turn my back on my friends and refuse to have any contact with them again. But it seems you don’t have a problem with doing just that!” he countered angrily.

 

 

The truth was, Michael had been so angry with Justin when he had left overnight that he couldn’t think past that feeling. Seeing Brian completely fall apart in the months following Justin’s departure had scared him so much that he had cursed Justin a million times for what he had done, even if he also realized that Justin had his reasons. Michael had been there to witness firsthand his best friend’s downward spiral into the world of chemicals, booze and sex, making him fear that one day Brian would not came back from that; that he would go too far, and kill himself. During that time, he had tried to call Justin, but the young man had cut all ties and changed his phone number. Emmett had claimed that he didn’t know where he was, and Michael had believed him when he had told him later that it had taken about a year for Justin to contact him again.

 

 

Eventually, Brian had succeeded in moving on – sort of – and after Gus’s birth, he had pulled it together for good. Yet, those few months beforehand had been horrible for Michael. Too busy – and too worried – as he tried to help keep his friend alive, he had pushed aside his feelings about what Justin had done at first, but once Brian regained his stability and stopped all the abuse, he then had time to think about what he viewed as Justin’s betrayal.

 

 

Justin had been HIS friend, too. He had not only left Brian, he had left everyone else. Emmett, Lindsay, Ted, his mother… It had been hard enough to lose Jesse, but at least Michael had still had some contact with him, however infrequent it might have been. He had closure. With Justin, however, he’d had none of that.

 

 

And ultimately, it all came to this. His friend had cut him out of his life, without any explanations. Of course, he didn’t have to be a genius to figure out why he had done it. Justin must have thought that Brian needed his best friend more than he needed him, and that, moreover, Justin would have guessed that he would have done everything he could have to make him change his mind and come back. Yet, even if it was true, it didn’t erase the fact that Justin had chosen to disappear and forget all about their so-called friendship without even a warning.

 

 

“Michael… I’m sorry.” Justin’s voice echoed in the room.

 

 

Michael peered at him and was about to tell him to keep his bullshit apology, but something in Justin’s gaze prevented him from lashing out at him.

 

 

Justin, sensing an opening, took a deep breath and declared, “I really am. I know I have no excuse for what I’ve done. I shouldn’t have cut you out, not when you didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve always been there for me and Brian. I’ve never forgotten that.” He let the words sink in as he took a step forward before adding, “I just…He needed you. And I couldn’t…” He tried to explain, but failed, the movement of his hand passing nervously through his hair and betraying his frustration.

 

 

Michael softened, sighing. He had waited for eight years to ask his next question, and he wasn’t going to miss the opportunity simply because of his resentment. “Justin…Why did you leave?”

 

 

Justin snorted. He was surprised Michael hadn’t figured it out. “ _Why_? You really have to ask?” he asked incredulously, looking straight at Michael. “Don’t you remember at all?”

 

 

“I do, but…” Michael responded, but Justin interrupted him.

 

 

“You weren’t there, Michael. You weren’t the one having to deal with him on a daily basis. He was uncontrollable. And there was nothing, _nothing_ I could do.” Michael could hear the crack in Justin’s voice. “Do you know how it made me feel, to see him slowly destroying himself after Jesse’s leaving? To feel like you couldn’t do anything, to have to bear with his moods, with the booze, the tricks? I was fucking helpless. And it was killing me.”

 

 

The words reached something inside Michael. Anger could blind any man, masking an inner pain – a feeling of betrayal or a sense of abandonment - and he acknowledged that he hadn’t even tried to understand Justin. The truth was, Jesse had been Justin’s friend, too. When he had left, Brian hadn’t been the only one who had had to deal with the feeling of guilt that had consumed him for months. But Justin had tried to overcome his own because he loved Brian, and couldn’t stand seeing him in pain. Brian was unfortunately unreachable at the time, and no one, except Brian himself, could have done anything to remedy it.

 

 

Now, Michael could finally ask himself the question he had purposely refused to face: what would he have done if he’d had to witness the man he loved slowly drowning and unable to realize the pain he was inflicting in the process?

 

 

And, of course, it hadn’t been just Jesse’s departure they’d had to deal with, as Justin was about to point out. “When he told me about Lindsay, I thought that he would finally come back to his senses. But, then …” Justin trailed off, letting unspoken words filling the air.

 

 

Michael knew. He remembered that time, too. “Lindsay revealed that she was pregnant…”

 

 

Justin had a grim smile on his face as he nodded. “Yeah… And you know the worst part? I still had some stupid hope that he would finally do the right thing, like…Apologizing. Supporting her. Just…fucking owning up to his shit. But no. It was too much to ask. He didn’t want to hear about her keeping the baby.”

 

 

“Justin, you weren’t wrong…” Michael tried to stop him from going further, but it was useless.

 

 

“We had a fight, Michael. Like never before. We went too far, both of us. But I just couldn’t tolerate his behavior anymore. So, I left,” Justin revealed. It was the first time he’d talked about that fateful night since it’d happened. And fuck if it wasn’t bringing back years of anger, grief and regret. “Shit.”

 

 

Michael paused, considering what to say and how to respond. He could feel his anger slipping away as he observed Justin’s body language. He realized at that moment that Justin hadn’t had closure at all with Brian, no matter how many years had passed. His agitation and his frustration were clearly reflecting his lingering feelings for his former lover – whatever they might be – and they appeared too raw and too palpable for Justin to be lying.

 

 

Furthermore, Michael was once more surprised to realize how things could be put in a new perspective and take on a whole new meaning with a good argument. He could even acknowledge that he was feeling kind of guilty over his own behavior. Not that he would do a complete turnaround and blame Brian. But maybe there was some truth in the fact that sometimes love wasn’t enough, and that no one really WAS to blame.

 

 

Brian had been so completely fucked up back then. In fact, it was almost surprising that Justin had supported him as long as he had. Maybe that’s why Michael had resented him so much, because in the end, he had forgotten to care. Justin dealing with Brian had been a norm. He had been the most patient guy ever. For him, the words ‘enough was enough’ had never applied.

 

 

So he found himself resenting the fact that Justin might actually decide to give up on Brian, when he had never done that before.

 

 

God, the more he thought about it, the more ashamed Michael felt.

 

 

Still, he wasn’t completely ready to agree with Justin. He didn’t understand why Justin had not confided in him at the time. “Why didn’t you come to see me? I could have helped you.”

 

 

Justin shook his head. “Michael… When I decided to leave, I wasn’t thinking straight. I just had to go. And I couldn’t take the risk that you would change my mind. But I want you to know, I didn’t cut you out of my life for my sake. You have to believe that,” Justin insisted.

 

 

“That’s easy for you to say,” Michael couldn’t help but reply. The words slipped from his lips before he could stop them.

 

 

“Michael,” Justin warned.

 

 

“What? Give me a few minutes to accept the idea that you really had some good reasons for leaving. You had eight years, and I’ve only had…four minutes. Have some mercy,” Michael responded, hoping to ease the tension a bit. He joked, looking sideways at his friend as he added dryly, who still hadn’t reacted, “Well…THAT went well.”

 

 

“Fuck you!” Justin retorted playfully, pinching his lips together to prevent a smile from appearing on his face. Michael just grinned slightly in response.

 

 

Their smiles disappeared pretty quickly, though. Michael took a step forward, a sure sign that he had understood the feelings Justin had tried to convey in his words. “How are you?” he asked softly.

 

 

Justin nodded, his gaze down, his eyebrows rising. “Fine. I’m fine.” He looked up at Michael. “And you? Emmett told me you were married to a professor?”

 

 

“Happily married for three years now,” Michael confirmed, proudly displaying the ring on his finger.

 

 

“I’m happy for you.” Justin stated sincerely.

 

 

“I’m happy for me, too.” Michael replied. Pausing for a few seconds, he finally found the courage to talk about the reason why he had sought out Justin in the first place. “Justin…I’m sorry to bring this up, but I have to ask. What happened last night?”

 

 

Justin couldn’t stop the surprise from appearing on his face, but he actually understood immediately what this was all about. Obviously that was the real reason for Michael’s visit today.

 

 

“You’ve seen Brian.” It was a statement, not a question. Michael nodded and Justin sighed. “I…We saw each other last night. I…invited him for a drink.” Michael raised his eyebrows at that, silently questioning Justin’s intention. Justin just looked back at him and admitted, “Yeah. I know. It was a stupid move, but I just…” He looked down and sighed again, before gazing up. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He made it clear that he didn’t want to see me again.”

 

 

“He did?” Michael frowned. Considering Brian’s behavior, he had thought that Justin was the one who had rejected Brian, not the other way around. Of course, he should have known better.

 

 

“Yes. After he realized that I had someone in my life,” Justin added.

 

 

Now, that sounded more like a thing that Brian would do. Michael had known about Justin having a partner, but he was pretty sure that Brian had ignored it. Until yesterday, at least. “Emmett told me about your partner. He said you were happy with him.”

 

 

“I am,” Justin confirmed.

 

 

Michael was confused. If Justin was in a happy relationship with another man, why risk coming back to your hometown and running into your former lover, especially considering the history they shared? When they’d been together – after Michael had accepted that Justin was different from all the tricks Brian had enjoyed so much in the past – he had really believed that nothing and no one would ever break them apart. Sure, their relationship had not been easy or even, as Brian would say, conventional, but Michael had been so sure that they would made it.

 

 

He obviously had been dead wrong.

 

 

So, why come back? Unless Justin’s boyfriend was perfectly secure about his place in Justin’s heart and didn’t felt threatened by Brian, it really was a stupid move. Michael was more and more convinced that Justin had chosen Pittsburgh on purpose, whether he realized it or not.

 

“Justin…why come back here after so many years? I’m sorry, but after what you just said to me, it doesn’t make any sense. You must have known that you would see Brian again. Does your partner know about your past?”

 

 

Justin snorted. Of course, his past could only mean one thing in this case. “You mean Brian?”

 

 

“Yes. I mean Brian,” Michael verified.

 

 

Justin paused for a moment, knowing how what he was about to say would sound. He could feel where Michael was going with his question. However, there was no point in denying what both men knew to be the truth. “Tyler knows I was with someone once …” was all the answer that he could give him.

 

 

Because seriously, who could he fool now? He could try all he could to pretend to be over Brian. Even if he spent a lifetime, happy and fulfilled with another man, there was no point in hiding the fact that Brian would probably always be a part of him. As Michael had pointed out, neither of them had exactly dealt with the ending of their relationship. More like buried it somewhere. Now, if only he could understand what the implications of this truth really meant.

 

 

In addition, the more time that passed, the guiltier he felt about how he had been avoiding talking to Tyler about Brian. He needed to acknowledge to himself what it really was: cowardice. How could he have been so blind and stupid? How could he have even suggested for them to move here, and not think about the consequences at all? He loved Tyler, and he didn’t want to risk what they had, or did he? His actions seemed to contradict his thoughts completely. He hated being so indecisive. He usually knew what he wanted and never backed down to get it. But Brian made it impossible for him to think straight.

 

 

He inwardly had to laugh at that thought. Brian and straight in the same sentence just never fit together.

 

 

Michael, on the other hand, was coming to his own conclusions, too. He had already suspected that Justin would have difficulty explaining the bond he’d shared with Brian to his current partner, but he was shocked to realize what Justin’s words implied. “You didn’t tell him...”

 

 

Justin just stared at him in response.

 

 

Justin’s silence was all the confirmation Michael needed, with all that it implied. He wasn’t even sure that Justin really comprehended what it meant. Yet, to him, it could only mean one thing. “You still love him.”

 

 

Justin reacted immediately at those words. “What? Who?”

 

 

“Don’t play dumb. You know what I mean,” Michael stated calmly.

 

 

Yet, Justin denied it. He replied, shaking his head, “No, Michael, you’re wrong. I care about him, but…”

 

 

“Keep telling yourself that. Maybe if you repeat it enough, you will actually believe it,” Michael countered back at him firmly. He peered at his friend – yes, friend – and when he was sure that he had his attention, he affirmed, “Justin, you’re still in love with him. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t. And whether you believe me or not, you have to realize that the situation is completely fucked up…”

 

 

Justin didn’t even want to try and deny anything at that point. He was at a loss. Could Michael be right? Could he have been such a fool all this time? Whatever the answer, he was fucked. “I don’t know what to do.”

 

 

Michael came closer, gazing at him as he placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder. “Why don’t you try taking the time to know what you really want? I think it would be a good start,” he suggested, and as their eyes met, he gave him a tentative smile. Justin responded with a nod. Satisfied, Michael, stepped back. “I have to go.”

 

 

He turned around to go to the front door, but as his hand grasped the handle, he paused. Peering back at Justin, who answered his gaze with a frown, he stated, a serious expression on his face, “One last thing. If you hurt him again, I must warn you. I will kill you.”

 

 

Justin huffed. He wouldn’t have it any other way. “I know.”

 

 

“Okay.” Michael walked back over to Justin and retrieved a card from the inner pocket of his jacket. “Here’s my phone number. You should have dinner with us sometime. Ma will be happy to see you.”

 

 

Justin laughed bitterly. Debbie. Fuck. “If YOU don’t kill me, I’m sure SHE will.”

 

 

“I’m afraid you’re right. First, she will kill you, and then she will hug you to death. Either way, you will not come out from the encounter alive,” Michael half-joked. Finally, he turned to leave, but Justin’s words stopped him.

 

 

“I’ve missed you, you know?” Justin revealed.

 

 

Michael smiled, even if Justin couldn’t see him, before peering back at his friend one last time. “I’ve missed you, too. Keep in touch, okay?”

 

“I promise.” Justin nodded and watched as Michael finally opened the door and left.

 

 

 

 


	12. Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: December 2002  
> Brian discovers the truth...

****

 

**_December 2002…_ **

It was Christmas time. Justin had promised his mother that he would spend a couple of days at her place, so he left Emmett’s apartment on Monday the 23rd. His mother was thrilled to have her son back, even if his return was only temporary, and consequently she smothered him so much that he already wanted to flee her house by Tuesday morning.

 

They went shopping on Tuesday afternoon, which was actually amazing considering the number of people running around in the streets in search of last-minute gifts for their loved ones. Justin could feel his muscles tightening every time someone came too close to him, but he hung on and stayed by his mother’s side until he couldn’t bear it anymore. The ordeal went on for fifty-seven minutes, and when they left the shopping area Justin feared that his mother would stop every person she came across to squeal about her amazing son.

 

Justin returned to Emmett’s apartment by Wednesday night. He had enjoyed spending Christmas with his mother and his sister, but staying at his mother’s condo had just brought back memories of a time he would rather forget. So, he had convinced his mother that he needed to leave, and she had reluctantly agreed. She had even offered to give him a ride back to the apartment.

 

Arriving in front of the building, he had kissed her goodbye before exiting the car. Two minutes later, he found his two roommates, along with Michael, Jesse, Ted and Lindsay, obviously drunk and high after having probably consumed too many shots of booze and smoking several joints while watching an almost naked Russell Crowe fighting in an arena.

 

“Baby!” Emmett exclaimed cheerfully, bolting from his chair; Michael and Jesse were sitting next to each other on beanbag chairs nearby, while Brian, not surprisingly, was occupying the entire couch. Ted sat on the couch’s armchair as Lindsay perched herself on the floor next to them.

 

“You’re back!” Emmett stated excitedly as the others called over to him with various terms of greeting.

 

“Less booze for you, Emmy Lou…” Brian quipped, taking a gulp from the beer in his hand. Glancing at Justin, he summoned him with, “Blondie! Come here!” He took another gulp and suddenly frowned as he looked behind him to notice Ted sitting on the arm of the couch; he snarled, “Ted, get lost!” and promptly pushed the dark-haired man off.

 

“Hey! Stop harassing my poor Teddy there!” Emmett intervened, glaring at Brian who made a face at him in return.

 

“Thanks, Em’. But I still can defend myself.” Ted patted his friend on the arm and peered back at the brunet, but all he earned was a murderous glare even before he had a chance to open his mouth. Turning to Justin, he politely proposed, “Justin, why don’t you sit on the couch? I will take the vacant chair.”

 

Justin laughed shyly and went to sit on the arm of the couch, next to Brian’s head. Lindsay was sitting on the floor between the sofa and the wooden coffee table, where a lot of beer bottles, chips, and pot were spread out everywhere. The characteristic smell of the sweet chemical filled the air; a joint, which had been carelessly discarded, was still burning in a full ashtray.

 

“So, Justin; how was your Christmas with your mom? Did you have a good time?” Lindsay asked him, smiling. Justin had seen her a couple of times already since he’d moved in. He knew she was one of Brian’s friends from college.

 

Justin was about to respond, but Brian intervened. “Don’t feel like you have to respond to her booooring questions,” he drawled with a goofy smile on his face. “She is a WASP. It’s her job to ask shit like that.” Brian finished his sentence chuckling, as Lindsay, looking outraged and amused at the same time by her friend’s comment, grabbed a pillow nearby and threw it at him.

 

“Could you just shut the fuck up? I’m trying to watch the movie!” Michael said loudly in reaction to his two friends who were laughing stupidly over their childish behavior.

 

“Sure you are… But can you stop with the complaining? Russell Crowe might be hot, but he wouldn’t fuck you anyway…” Brian teased, throwing the pillow Lindsay had used in Michael’s direction, who just caught it absently and placed it at his feet. A scene of several gladiators fighting on TV fascinated him.

 

“Hey! Don’t try to make us believe that you don’t enjoy the show,” Jesse cut in, coming to Michael’s defense.

 

“Russell Crowe is not bad...if you like them all gruff and muscular, that is,” Brian volunteered nonchalantly. “But, yeah. I’d still fuck him.”

 

“More like he would fuck _you_! Have you seen the man?” Jesse retorted, grinning at his friend. “He wouldn’t take it up the ass!”

 

“I take it up the ass… Why wouldn’t _he_?” Brian retorted with a smirk. Jesse raised his eyebrows as Ted looked at Brian with wide eyes.

 

“He is not even gay,” Justin offered, inwardly surprised that Brian would admit to bottoming occasionally, even if he obviously aimed to shock.

 

“That’s what they all say,” Brian replied smugly, his eyes riveted on the screen. “Fuck! If it’d come to it… I’d let him fuck me. He must have a huge cock!”

 

“Brian!” Emmett, Lindsay, Jesse and Michael all retorted at once.

 

Justin was amused by the easy banter occurring among the group of friends. Looking at them now, and noticing how comfortable they acted, he silently admitted to himself that it felt good to be a part of this.

 

Then he looked at Brian, and once more he felt his heart beating faster at the sight of the young man who was lying casually on the couch, his left leg bent and his right foot touching the floor.

 

*******************

 

Brian hated Christmas; nothing surprising there. It represented a time when families professed their love by buying presents for their loved ones. Yet, Brian didn’t really see the difference between offering a gift and buying their love. At least when you didn’t receive any gifts, you didn’t have to pretend to care.

 

The last Christmas he’d spent with his mother, his sister and his father, they had eaten lukewarm turkey while pretending to be a good little family, sitting around a decorated table full of dishes his mother had spent two days concocting. She had always tried so hard to _pretend_ during that time, but Brian couldn’t remember a time where he had felt like they were united, if ever. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. When he had been just a boy, maybe four or five years old, he remembered a time when his mother had bounced him on her lap and had made him jump slightly to make him laugh. Surely it had meant something, right?

 

Brian had never understood his mother. She had professed that she loved her children, but spent her time at the church, trying to find her truth, her place in the Existence. She was a cold woman, yet a beautiful one, but years of hiding beneath her faith had taken away a part of her humanity.

As for Brian’s father, he had been the kind of man who couldn’t care less about his wife or his children. He’d preferred to go out with his bowling buddies and drink until the early hours of the morning, pretending to be a lady’s man before spending the rest of the night at home with his wife and kids. Brian had suspected that Jack Kinney resented the path he had followed, realizing too late that he had made the wrong choice by marrying Joan Ashley Johnson. He would have surely preferred to have had a life of pride and glory, playing rock ’n roll and sleeping with a different woman every night. But as a young, naïve, and carefree young man, he had soon realized that one mistake was all it took to live a life of regret. When Joan had announced that she was pregnant with Claire, it was too late. Both Jack and Joan’s families wouldn’t have accepted anything less than a marriage to correct that felony. Brian’s birth four years later had just been the icing on the cake.

 

Jack Kinney had been an abusive man, but not necessarily as most must think. He hadn’t spent his time beating or abusing his children, for instance. The truth was, he had barely been there at all. More accurately, he had abandoned Joan, Claire and Brian – the constant reminder of what his life had become and what he had lost – to become a pub regular and stumbling mass of cirrhosis thanks to his abundant imbibing of alcohol. He didn’t love his family; he resented them. He believed that if not for those three persons in his life – his wife, his son, and his daughter – he would have lived a different life; been happier.

 

The manifestation of that frustration had been his absence. Therefore, as Brian grew up, he began to fight his father about it. His son had understood way too young why his father always flew from the house – from them - and he had too much of a big mouth to stay silent like his mother or his sister had. Joan would rouse for Jesus, Marie and Joseph, while Jack would call him an ungrateful little shit every time Brian dared confronting him by calling him a coward, a dickless man, and a myriad of other lovely names that came to his mind. Yep, he’d always had a big mouth.

 

He had earned a few bruises, also. Attacking a drunk Jack Kinney was not a good move, but Jack had the good sense to look ashamed after every slip, and as a result he would actually spend a little more time with his family. At least until the proof of what he had done disappeared from Brian’s face. It was as if his sense of family was related to Brian’s bruises. When it would vanish, Jack Kinney would, too.

 

Yet, the abuse Jack inflicted upon his family had been mainly psychological. By professing again and again that he was trapped in a life he didn’t want, with a frigid wife and two ungrateful kids whom he had to support, he had convinced his family that they didn’t exist. Claire and Brian hadn’t been close. Joan had preferred to seek comfort from God rather than with her own children. The three of them should have been allied against Jack, but they hadn’t been. Each one of them had lived alone; as Jack had.

 

Moreover, Jack had always persisted in telling them how useless they would be in the future, insinuating that belief in his children’s mind that they would never be enough, would never feel fulfilled, or accomplish anything of substance. It had been as if the man was convinced that they would follow the same path he had drawn, one that was full of disdain and regret.

 

Brian had always tried to fight that destiny. He had worked hard throughout his school years, and had promised himself he wouldn’t end up like his father had, bitter and abrasive. But he was constantly struggling against the fear that it wouldn’t be enough, and that somehow he would become another Mr. Kinney, with all the resonance the name carried with it. Had Jack truly wanted his children to become failures? Or had he entertained a hidden wish that they would become someone valuable and worthy of respect? Brian would never know.

 

Since his family had passed away, Christmas time was always a strange period for Brian. He didn’t regret the make believe Christmas Eves he remembered spending at his parents’ house, although he should have. Truly, it was a feeling hard to describe.

 

Now, he spends Christmas Eves with Emmett at Debbie’s. Emmett does visit his own family from time to time, mainly because he can’t let it go completely; but for his friend, Christmas is about real family, the one who counts. During the evening, sitting comfortably in the hideous chairs of Debbie’s dining room, Emmett always proposes a toast where he ends up almost crying dramatically over the ‘beauty of these people who mean the world to him’ with Brian purposely mocking him, Michael thanking him, and Debbie looking at him with glistening eyes as if he were the sweetest man alive. Vic just smiles knowingly. Jesse always arrives later, and Brian always pretends that it is such a boring event to attend. This year was no exception.

 

As usual, Debbie had invited the whole gang, but with Justin included, for Thursday the 26th. The young man had reluctantly agreed to come, but he didn’t regret it. Debbie was surely one of the loudest and proudest woman he had ever encountered, but she was also the kindest, most welcoming woman he had ever met; a woman who had a unique talent for making anyone feel welcome in her home.

 

Justin had tensed when he had arrived, because she had meant to hug him like every other person present in her dining room. In reaction to her gesture, he had flinched instinctively when she had tried to embrace him, and he had been afraid that she would take offense, but she didn’t. He would understand later that she had recognized him as being the young man who had been bashed a year and a half ago at his prom. Of course she would: she had always kept an eye on what was happening in her community, even when it concerned people she didn’t personally know. And when she had heard about the horrific event at his prom, she had organized rallies of support for him, issuing a vocal, impassioned plea to anyone who would listen that his attacker should be punished like he deserved, and condemning Chris Hobb’s parents for their views on homosexuality.

 

That’s part of the reason why tonight Brian was about to discover Justin’s story. It began at Debbie’s; he arrived immediately after Justin did, and by the strange way that Debbie was behaving, it was obvious that something was different. After all, since when would Debbie Novotny let anyone come into her house without a hug if she wanted one? That fact was sufficiently unusual for Brian to take notice, and so he discreetly questioned her during the evening while he was helping her with the dishes in the kitchen.

 

“Debbie…” Brian called over to her quietly as he was drying a plate with a dish towel while Debbie was busy preparing some coffee.

 

“Hmm?” She responded absently, pouring some water into the coffee maker with the carafe.

 

“How do you know Justin?” Brian asked; he figured there was no need to beat around the bush.

 

She frowned as she peered over at him in surprise. “You didn’t recognize him?”

 

Brian glared back at her in response. “Would I be asking you about it if I did? And what do you mean ‘not recognizing him’?”

 

Debbie peered in the direction of the living room, where everyone was sitting waiting for the coffee to be served. Then she looked back at Brian, who was staring at her expectantly. “Remember the gay kid who had been bashed at his prom?”

 

Brian followed Debbie’s eyes as she glanced back at Justin, who was sitting on the couch near Vic, biting his fingernails as he listened to Michael speaking about something amusing.

 

He kept staring at him as Debbie turned back to grab a pack of coffee, knowing she didn’t need to say anything else.

 

_Holy Fuck._

 

******************************

 

The guys wanted to go out and dance – fuck would have been more accurate – but Brian pretended to be beat so he could go home with Justin. He wasn’t sure his strategy would be sufficient to fool his friends, who had tried to make him change his mind, but he was adamant about making it an early night. He did have to work on Friday, and thankfully no one was aware that his shift at the library didn’t begun until one, including Justin.

 

Jesse gave them a ride home. Surprisingly, he didn’t comment on Brian’s decision not to join them, and Brian didn’t dare say anything, either. Justin, on the other hand, kept chatting with Jesse like two old friends would, asking questions about his courses in journalism – Jesse wanted to become a famous reporter/foreign correspondent – and even asking about Aaron. _Since when did Jesse talk about his fuck’s life with Blondie?_ Brian couldn’t help but muse, as he tried to decipher what they were saying from his position in the back seat of the car.

 

Five minutes later, Jesse let them out on the sidewalk and rode off to Babylon. Brian stared at the car driving away until it was out of sight, and finally turned to look at Justin, who was just standing on the pavement, waiting for God knows what.

After a few seconds of silence, Brian asked playfully, raising an eyebrow, “You plan to stay here all night?”

 

“No,” Justin retorted curtly. He was surprised that Brian hadn’t jumped at the chance to have a night out with the guys; since when did Brian need to sleep anyway? He didn’t know why, but he could sense a change in the man’s behavior. It made him nervous.

 

“Come with me,” Brian softly commanded, gripping Justin’s hand impulsively. Justin was too stunned to react as he allowed Brian to lead him toward the front door.

 

Brian refused to think about what he was doing. He released Justin’s hand as they entered the building together and took the stairs to the third floor. Turning to be sure that the young man was still behind him, he noticed the question in Justin’s eyes as he bypassed the apartment. He didn’t bother to answer, just nodding towards the door leading outside.

 

Justin didn’t understood what he was doing here, following Brian like a trained dog without questioning his intentions. Yet, peering into his hazel eyes, he admitted to himself that he was curious. Brian obviously wanted them to go to the roof, and even if Justin didn’t know why, he wanted to go with him. So he did.

 

They climbed the outside stairs and shortly arrived on the roof. Brian didn’t stop, but headed towards the corner where he was used to going on his own. He expected Justin to follow him, but when he looked back he realized that his companion had paused at the top of the stairs, his gaze sweeping around the area.

 

Eventually, Justin peered back at Brian, and the man raised his hand softly in a silent invitation for him to come closer. Justin hesitated, but in the end he took the few steps separating them and stopped to stand by Brian’s side. They stayed still and silent for a moment, both pretending to stare at the cityscape in front of them. Justin could feel the pulse of his heartbeat; he didn’t know what he was doing here, but somehow, he knew that this instant was important. He wasn’t surprised, then, when eventually he heard Brian’s voice breaking the silence. The words, however, felt like a punch to his gut.

 

“I know who you are,” Brian stated simply. “You’re that kid who was bashed at his prom by a stupid jerk for being gay.” Brian peered at him then, but he avoided his gaze.

 

_Brian knows. Fuck._

 

Justin felt trapped. He didn’t really understand why, but he didn’t want Brian to know. He had never wanted to; because from now on, Brian would just look at him as if he were a broken doll, something to fix. Not a man. The thought made him want to bolt, to run away, and never come back.

 

_Why?_ _Why did Brian have to discover who he was?_ Justin could feel his breathing accelerate, his body responding to this unexpected revelation. Fucking Chris Hobbs. The man had taken, stolen so much from him, but what did HE lose? Nothing. He didn’t even feel any regret over going after Justin with a baseball bat, did he? Surely if he did, he would have contacted him. He would have told him that he was sorry; anybody should feel remorseful for bashing someone in the head, right? How come he didn’t? God, Justin hated him so much. Because of him, he wouldn’t be the man he was meant to be. Because of him, Brian would now think of him differently. How fair was that, huh? Every time Justin thought that all of this was behind him, and that he could move on with his life, something, or someone, reminded him that he was different. Doomed to be different; to stay different. How was he supposed to…?

 

“Justin,” Brian called over to him, but his inner ranting continued. Surely Brian would think of him now as the gay kid who should have thought better than to give a hand-job to a first-class asshole. It was his fault after all. He had flaunted himself. And now, he sounded like Craig. His fucking father who probably would have preferred to have a dead son than a gay one. As if the bashing hadn’t been enough…

 

_“Justin.”_

 

Sensing that the young man was not listening, Brian had pronounced his name sternly and this time, the tone of his voice seemed to permeate Justin’s mind. Brian saw the young man gaze up at him, his eyes reflecting fear and astonishment, but also anger and disgust. Fuck, his gaze held so many emotions at once, but even more, it was the look of a man who had already lived too many ordeals.

 

Truthfully, now that Brian knew what had happened to Justin, it all made sense. Since the first day, Justin had acted like he was afraid of everything around him, and more specifically, everyone. Brian had noticed that he never touched anybody, not even Emmett, and retrospectively, he didn’t need to be a genius to understand why his roommate had seemed totally amazed by the fact that Brian had held Justin for an entire hour during his panic attack. Brian understood now that Justin probably never let any man touch him anymore. He had apparently confided in Emmett, though, because Brian was certain by his friend’s actions the he had to know about the bashing.

 

Brian tried to imagine what Justin could have felt back then; what he could still feel. Obviously, Justin couldn’t be thrilled to know that Brian had discovered his past. His body language couldn’t lie: the tension emanated from him in waves, and as much as Brian wanted to reassure him, he refrained. The truth was, he hadn’t really thought about what he would say past the ‘I know your secret identity’ part. He just wanted to…what exactly? Surely the Great God Kinney wouldn’t just want to boost his already excessive ego knowing Justin had allowed him to touch him when no one else could? He could be a real asshole, it was true, but his ego had nothing to do with the fact that he wanted to be here, alone on this roof with Justin. So, why was he here?

 

“How do you know?” Justin broke into his thoughts, bringing him back from his musings. Brian peered at him, noticing the look of defiance in his eyes.

 

“Debbie. She recognized you. She’s involved with PFLAG, and I have no doubt she was the first straight woman in the Pitts to parade around in the streets with the queers and trannies; she has fought more for LGBT rights in a year than any of us could do in a lifetime,” Brian explained, observing the young man, his expression clearly broadcasting his disbelief and dismay. “She led the protests against your attacker’s family when you were still at the hospital.” Justin stared back at him again, astonishment taking over his previous feelings. Brian continued, “Every queer who goes to the Liberty Diner has heard your story, believe me. She was on a mission back then; she made flyers to help raise awareness about homophobia at school. She even met with a few deans in the area…”

 

“Fuck…” Justin couldn’t believe it. This was worse than he thought.

 

“You got THAT right… If you were looking for discretion or anonymity on Liberty, you’re screwed,” Brian confirmed, jumping onto the three-foot-wide ledge of the roof before turning around to face Justin, only a small distance separating him from the edge. He took out a cigarette and lighted it, protecting himself from the soft breeze that he could feel on his face.

 

“Everybody knows? Does Jesse know? Michael?” Justin inquired, too lost in his inner queening-out to realize what Brian was doing.

 

Brian blew on his smoke and responded with a shrug, “Probably not. I doubt they’ve recognized you after so many months. They would have told me or Emmett. But if I’ve found out, it’s only a matter of time before they discover it, too…”

 

Justin shook his head. This wasn’t happening. Would there ever be a time when he would be able to put his past to rest? Would anyone ever look at him without seeing the word ‘bashed’ written in gold letters across his forehead? “Shit. Fuck!”

 

“What’s the big deal?” Brian interrogated dramatically, raising his arms on either side.

 

“Excuse me?” Justin frowned, a feeling close to anger beginning to simmer inside him. Surely Brian couldn’t dismiss his past as if being bashed in the head was nothing? How could he not understand what it really meant?

 

Brian stopped moving, letting his arms fall, his smoke temporarily forgotten. He stared at Justin intensely as he pointed out, “You were attacked because some fucking asshole was crazy enough to think he had a right to use a baseball bat on another man, just because this man didn’t like pussy. But guess what? He didn’t succeed in shutting you up. You’re still here. You’re still breathing. You can still suck cocks or have a threesome or whatever kinks you’re into, and he can’t do shit to stop you. I’d be willing to bet that you will become more successful than he will ever be. He might have taken away a few months of your life, but he sure as hell hasn’t taken your strength. Because whether you realize it or not, you’re one strong, resilient and proud little fucker.”

 

_Wow_. To say that Justin was rendered speechless by Brian’s pronouncement would be an understatement. Did Brian really see him as the man he was describing? Could it be possible that he didn’t care about his past? That this part of himself didn’t define him, as he always thought it did?

 

Peering up, he suddenly felt mesmerized by the sight of Brian standing in front of him, acting as if the world belonged to him. Brian oozed self-confidence and was so fucking hot. His face, his body, his eyes; everything in him was awakening something deep inside Justin, and the young man felt a quiver passing through his entire body.

 

As for Brian, he was really wondering if Jesse or Michael hadn’t slipped some kind of drug into his drinks during the evening, because the more he stayed in Justin’s presence, the more he could feel his body responding to his stare. He wanted to touch him so badly. Maybe he had drunk more than he thought.

 

“What about you?” Justin eventually replied, shaking his head to stop himself from saying or doing something he would certainly regret. Brian frowned, confused. Justin explained with a nod, “You know my secret. What’s yours?”

 

Brian responded with a scowl, crushing his cigarette in the ground with his shoe. “I don’t have secrets. I’m not a girl.”

 

“I don’t believe you,” Justin retorted sternly.

 

“It’s not a secret if my friends know about it,” Brian stated, implying that whatever story he might have to reveal, he didn’t feel the need to hide it, unlike Justin. “Excuse me for not sharing my back story with you the minute you walk into my life.”

 

“It’s been several months,” Justin countered playfully as he gave Brian an amused stare.

 

“During which you have avoided me like the plague,” Brian huffed, tilting his head.

 

“You deserved it,” Justin responded with a snort.

 

“I did not,” Brian protested. Justin just raised his eyebrows in response, the ghost of a smile appearing on his face. Brian grinned back.

 

Then, all of a sudden his grin disappeared, and Justin realized that they were not joking anymore. Brian jumped off the ledge, coming closer to Justin. He stopped just before their bodies could touch, and both men felt once more that undeniable attraction that was slowly consuming them.

 

Brian took a step back and gazed away almost shyly, taking a deep breath. Then, he looked straight at Justin. “My family was in a car accident when I was eighteen. My mother and sister were killed instantly. As for my drunk father who make it all possible, he survived, of course… but you see, he had a severe head trauma during the accident, so he doesn’t remember it. Hell, he doesn’t remember shit.”

 

Justin could tell by the tone of Brian’s voice that he had a lot of resentment locked up inside of him. He also felt very humbled that Brian had decided to confide in him about what must have been a horrible ordeal for him to go through, and surely still was. Furthermore, Jesse’s words came back to his mind, and he understood their real meaning now.

 

_“He needed me.”_  

 

Justin couldn’t begin to imagine what Brian must have felt over losing his entire family in a heartbeat. “Fuck, Brian. Shit.” The words came out of his mouth without thinking.

 

Brian actually smirked. “Didn’t your mother teach you that it’s rude to curse like you do?” He quipped fondly, gazing at Justin with amusement.

 

Justin looked contrite for about a second; then, he couldn’t help a chuckle from escaping his throat. “You know what I mean.”

 

“I do.” Brian nodded. “But look at the bright side! You’re not the only one who has a bad karma…”

 

Justin felt his smile freeze. Brian was peering away now, not looking at him. He felt compelled to add, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Sorry’s bullshit.” Brian replied dryly, before jumping back onto the ledge of the roof. He peered down at Justin. “Come here.”

 

“Huh?” Justin answered, confused.

 

“I said come here.” Brian lowered his hand in invitation, waiting for Justin to grasp it. He saw the hesitation in Justin’s eyes.

 

“I don’t know.” Justin wasn’t as reckless as Brian was. The thought of walking on the roof’s ledge scared him, even if the idea that Brian might find him stupid frightened him even more.

 

“Do you _trust_ me?”

 

Brian’s question made him pause. Justin gazed up into his hazel eyes, and he felt his chest constricting at the piercing look Brian was giving him. His heart missed a beat as he stood there, immobile, while Brian silently waited for his answer. But truthfully, he already knew on some level that he wouldn’t back down. He wanted to overcome his fears as much as Brian wanted him to let go.

 

As their two hands became one, Justin whispered, responding to Brian’s previous question, “I do.”

 

The shiver they both felt at the touch had nothing to do with the coldness of the night.

 

Brian smiled in reassurance as he tugged on Justin’s hand to help pull him up onto the ledge. As soon as his two feet were planted on solid ground, Brian turned him carefully so Justin was standing in front of him, back to chest, as he engulfed him in a hug.

 

Justin closed his eyes, afraid to look at the cityscape surrounding them. He could feel Brian’s breath on his neck, the warmth of his body as he held him tight. Despite his fear, he realized he never wanted this moment to end.

 

Brian could smell the young man’s scent and feel his body relaxing in his arms. He couldn’t help but lean in closer to bury his face gently into the welcoming curve of his neck. He inhaled deeply and just stayed there. Raising his head after a few moments, he peered at Justin’s profile. His eyes were closed. He looked so beautiful.

 

“You did it,” Brian whispered in his ear.

 

“Did what?” Justin questioned, his lips turning upwards in anticipation.

 

“Open your eyes,” Brian demanded softly.

 

“Brian…” Justin opened his eyes. Looking all around him for several seconds, taking in the surging sensation of freedom that invaded him, he suddenly had an overpowering urge to scream, to show the world that he was still here, that every breath he took was a victory against the haters. Here, in Brian’s arms, he felt more alive than he had felt in months. The feeling was overwhelming. Liberating.

 

“You’re strong, Justin. You will make it. Whatever happens…you will make it,” Brian stated with a certainty that warmed Justin’s heart so much that he felt like it would explode. The danger of being so close to the void, but savoring the feeling of Brian’s body against his own, made Justin want to laugh.

 

He felt so alive.

 

Without thinking, he turned in Brian’s arms and gazed up, Brian’s hands coming to rest on his hips. His companion stared back at him expectantly, and Justin raised his hand. He wanted to touch, to feel Brian’s skin beneath his fingers, and the warmth that emanated from his beautiful features.

 

Brian didn’t move. His heart was beating faster than usual, and he decided to ignore that inner voice that was trying to tell him that Justin was different, and that he should probably run away. Here and now, he didn’t want to think anymore. All he wanted was to taste Justin.

 

Justin kept touching him, caressing his face softly with a look full of awe, and Brian’s eyes were moving restlessly, peering at the lips he wanted to kiss so much, and traveling upwards into shining blue eyes, searching for an invitation.

 

Justin was aware that Brian’s breathing was more labored, his chest rising and falling faster now, but he was so lost in what he was doing that he didn’t acknowledge it at first; his eyes were busy following the slow progression of his hand on Brian’s face.

 

He caressed him until his fingers reached Brian’s lips, pausing, before tracing them slowly and purposely.

 

“Do it,” Brian encouraged, the light, almost reverent caress of Justin’s hand on his lips more than he could handle. He needed for this torture to end. “Justin. Kiss me.”

 

Justin gazed up widely into Brian’s eyes and then down at his lips. He saw the burning desire in Brian’s gaze mirroring his own. He let his right hand fall to his side as it found Brian’s, their fingers linking together as he leaned in closer, his eyes never leaving the tempting mouth.

 

Their lips met, slowly at first, just pressing gently, discovering each other’s. The slow pace didn’t last, though, the aching fire within their bodies urging them to press harder, to go deeper. Brian detached his hand from Justin’s grip to place it behind his neck, trapping him. He held him prisoner as he smashed his lips harder against Justin’s, his tongue caressing the soft area none so gently, as he ached for permission to explore him more thoroughly.

 

Justin was flying. He couldn’t get enough of Brian – his lips, his scent, his hands – and he opened his lips to let the man take him completely. Brian plunged in, his tongue invading and probing, soft moans filling the air as the kiss seemed to never end, neither of them willing to stop this sweet euphoria that was consuming them.

 

Eventually, they had to breathe, and Brian reluctantly moved back, their lips separating but their foreheads still connected as he rested both his hands on Justin’s neck, his thumbs caressing his chin. Neither men said anything as they allowed some much-needed oxygen to fill their lungs.

 

Brian suddenly laughed out loud, making Justin smile bashfully as both of them lifted their gaze to peer into each other’s eyes. “What?”

 

Brian pinched his swollen lips, grinning. “We should probably step off the edge of this roof if we don’t want to fall for real,” he stated with mischief. Justin grinned back as they both jumped back down on the floor of the roof.

 

Brian pulled Justin back into his arms and kissed him again. “Fuck…you’re so addictive,” he told him playfully between kisses. He wanted to devour the blond by now.

 

Justin couldn’t believe how good Brian’s lips felt. He knew the euphoria he was feeling was partly due to him being able to be kissed, to be touched again. It had been so long since he had remotely enjoyed it, and while he had feared that it’d never happen again, now he knew he had been wrong. But even more than that, he never remembered feeling like this with any other man. Brian was making him feel so good. He was so fucking hard. God, he was hard as a rock…the realization of what it meant finally dawning on him.

 

As for Brian, he felt high. And horny; so fucking horny. He could feel his stiff cock begging to be released from his too-tight jeans, Justin responding to his kiss with a blazing heat matching his own. If they didn’t do something about it soon, he wasn’t sure he would escape from their encounter alive.

 

“I want you so much,” he blurted out huskily without thinking, his lips finding new territory to explore on Justin’s neck. He felt a slight shift in Justin’s body as he reluctantly peered up at his face.

 

The hesitancy that reflected Justin’s fear was evident on his facial features, and Brian cursed inwardly at his own eagerness. Of course the young man wasn’t ready for him to fuck his brains out, even if Brian wanted to do just that. He hadn’t had sex for such a long time, and no matter how good the kiss felt, Brian knew he couldn’t just take what he wanted.

 

“I...” Justin responded hesitantly, avoiding his gaze.

 

“Hey…” Brian placed his hands back on Justin’s face, forcing him to look at him. When he was sure that he had his attention, he softly told him, “We won’t do anything you don’t want to. I promise.”

 

Justin shook his head. What was he supposed to do when he knew for a fact that Brian had amazing sex with so many guys? Surely he wouldn’t measure up. What would he do, then, if Brian didn’t like it?

 

But Brian seemed to read his mind as he reassured him. “I want you, Justin. I swear, if we don’t do anything, I will just have to jack off in the shower. I really don’t want to come in my pants, and that’s exactly what is going to happen if you keep kissing me like you do.”

 

Justin blushed. He was amazed to have such an effect on Brian. And even more so, staring at him right now, he understood that he wanted it as much as Brian did.

 

“Okay... Just…” Justin began, but Brian cut him off.

 

“I won’t do anything you’re not ready for. I just want to watch you come. If that’s just from my hand on your cock, so be it.”

 

Fuck, if Justin thought that he was hard before, he should have thought again. He could feel his dick twitching in his pants just as an image of Brian jerking him off popped into his head. And yet, it still wasn’t the most amazing thing. That Brian was willing to do anything to make him feel comfortable was. He felt grateful. But most of all, he felt safe with him. He trusted him to take it slowly, and to make him feel again, to make him feel something that he hadn’t felt in far too long.

 

Justin responded to Brian’s request with a kiss full of passion that surprised Brian, but he soon responded to it with equal force. Stepping back again, he urged, “Come on.”

 

Justin’s hand in his own, he led him towards the steps. It was going to be a long night.


	13. Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ** Special Thanks to my wonderful beta Kim **  
> The Present: October 2014

 

 

_**Wednesday, October 2014, one month later…** _

__

The coolness of fall with its kaleidoscope of colors had swept away the summer’s heat. The sun was shining with a different, yet deeper intensity, while the darkness was slowly overtaking the brightness, like a creeping hand that slowly drew a path without emitting a single sound. Autumn set in quietly.

　

Justin had stopped thinking, concentrating on his work to escape from what his life had become. He hadn’t seen anybody except for his co-workers during the past month, and had purposely shut himself off from the rest of the world. He hadn’t even contacted Emmett or Michael. He woke up every morning, deliberately pushing aside any thoughts that might steer him to a place he was not ready for, and threw himself into his work for hours on end. And the end of each day ended the same way it had begun, with him lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling.

　

This routine didn’t lead him anywhere, not really. He was still struggling to accept the reality of his life _,_ and as a result he had purposely avoided Tyler’s calls for the last couple of weeks, using email instead, with the excuse of being overwhelmed at work. Tyler was a smart man, however, so Justin was sure that he knew that something was going on with him. It wasn’t fair of him to avoid him like he did, especially because his partner hadn’t done anything wrong, but he couldn’t help himself.

　

He also knew that it couldn’t last. Whatever the outcome, he needed to get his shit together and decide what he wanted to do. It was a slow process, one full of denial and hesitation, but he was quietly opening up to a truth that he had refused to believe in for a long time, one that he had thought didn’t exist anymore.

　

Eventually, the introspection ended after he woke up on a cold Wednesday morning in late October. Justin had received an e-mail while he had been sleeping, and by that evening he had to have read it about a hundred times. As the night settled in for the day, he understood that he needed to stop hiding and confront what he knew to be his reality.

　

 _From:_ [ _ tylsp@gmail.com _ ](mailto:tylsp@gmail.com)

_To:_ [ _ Jtaylor83@yahoo.com _ ](mailto:Jtaylor83@yahoo.com)

Subject: answer me

　

Justin,

　

I don’t know what’s going on with you. Whatever it is, I know there’s something you’re not telling me, and it’s killing me. I wish you would tell me, and trust me enough not to hide from me. Did I do something wrong? Did something happen to you? I’m worried sick, Justin. Please answer me.

Love you,

Tyler.

　

Justin read the message once more, his eyes stopping on those two words.

　

 _Love you_.

　

Every time he read them, his heart clenched in his chest, and he hated himself for not having realized sooner that he and Tyler had never really had a chance to begin with.

　

Sitting on his bed, inhaling and exhaling deeply, he finally grabbed his phone and began to type: _Got your mail. I’m sorry I haven’t been available lately. Still overwhelmed at work. I’m fine. Will talk to you on Friday night, I promise._

　

Then he hesitated, his finger poised over the letter "L." He closed his eyes and winced, shaking his head in frustration. "Fuck!" He cursed out loud, exasperated with himself. "Just answer him, damn it!" He shouted angrily as he finally finished his message. Before he had time to change his mind, he pressed the ‘send’ button, watching the uploading processing until its end.

　

He kept staring at the final words of the message he’d just sent for a long moment before locking his cell.

　

_Later. J._

　

******************

　

_**Thursday, Kinnetik…** _

　

Justin hesitated as he stood in front of the main door of the building. Looking at the address on the business card he was holding in his hand, he stared back at the entrance as he took a deep breath, willing his heart to stop racing so fast. He had walked all the way here, taking an early lunch break from work, and hoping that the cold air hanging over this cloudy morning would soothe his silent excitement and nervousness.

　

Checking his phone – it was 12:25 p.m. – he took the time to consider the possibility that _he_ wouldn’t be there at all, not sure if he would feel relieved or disappointed if that happened. Still, he hadn’t come here to stand outside the door, even if the idea held an undeniable appeal at the moment.

　

He entered the lobby of his former’s lover advertising company, and his eyes swept around the area, taking in the one-of-a-kind atmosphere emanating from the place. He paused briefly before walking over to the receptionist’s desk, where a petite brunet was sitting as she tapped frantically on a keyboard. He planted himself in front of her, her hands stilling as she peered up at him through her glasses.

　

"Good morning, Sir. May I help you?" She inquired in a polished, professional tone.

　

"I’d like to see Brian…" Noticing her frown, he hastily added, "I mean, Mr. Kinney,"

　

"I’m sorry, Sir; but if you don’t have an appointment, I’m afraid it won’t be possible," the woman replied dryly with a fake smile.

　

"Could you just tell him that Justin Taylor wants to see him? It’s important," Justin insisted, hoping the woman would just somehow agree to his request without any further questioning.

　

Unfortunately, however, she was Brian’s receptionist for a reason, as Justin was about to find out. "I’m sure it won’t make any difference, Mr. Taylor. Mr. Kinney is extremely busy."

　

"Please…Mary? It’s Mary, isn’t it?" Justin hoped to woo the woman, but she seemed totally impervious to his charms.

　

"You can read a nametag just fine, as I can see. But as I said…" She began to reply, her voice assuming a more clipped, irritated tone.

　

"Justin?" Someone called out to him and he turned his head to meet two big, brown eyes staring back at him in disbelief. Justin was as surprised as the other man was. He hadn’t seen Ted Schmidt in a long time, and hadn’t even been aware that he was working with Brian.

　

"Ted?"

　

The man’s face broke out into a smile before looking nervously behind him. He peered back at Justin and murmured, "What are you doing here?"

　

"I... well…" Justin didn’t really know how to answer. But he didn’t have the time to finish his sentence anyway, because it was at that moment that he saw Brian walking towards them, his head down as he studied some file in his hand.

　

"Theodore, you said you had some papers about…" Brian looked up when he arrived in the lobby and his words died in his throat as his gaze fell upon his ex. Justin could see the shock on his face that was quickly replaced by his familiar mask of indifference.

　

"Hi, Brian," Justin greeted him almost bashfully, fully aware of the questioning looks that both Mary and Ted were sporting on their faces, albeit for different reasons.

　

He had to admit that Brian didn’t seem really pleased to see him. He stared at Justin with an indecipherable gaze, and Justin could have sworn that the air had suddenly filled with an electric glow.

　

"My office…now," Brian ordered curtly, breaking eye contact. Turning to address his receptionist, he instructed her firmly, "Mary, hold any calls."

　

"Yes, Brian," she responded curiously, her eyes travelling from her boss to this stranger with undisguised interest.

　

Justin followed Brian to a large room in the left corner of the building. The office seemed cold, without any warm colors; yet, the white and glass furniture highlighted the original character of the ancient elements that still remained from its former use. Entering, Justin sensed Brian’s touch all around him, and he paused as he watched Brian heading toward an impressive white desk situated immediately to his right without a second glance toward him. Brian sat down behind the desk and pressed the intercom, his face not betraying anything, while Justin closed the door behind him and waited, gazing over quietly at the wall in front of him. He froze.

　

Brian didn’t notice. "Ted, have those papers ready by one thirty. I need to call Mr. Grant back by two," he ordered sternly, before hitting the button to end their conversation.

　

Brian didn’t know what Justin was doing here. To say that he was surprised to see him now standing in the middle of his office was an understatement. A month had passed since that night at Woody’s, and he had thought that Justin had finally come to his senses and understood that there was no place for him in his life.

　

To gain some time to compose himself, he went through the pretense of arranging his desk, trying to prepare himself for the conversation to come. He could have dismissed Justin altogether, but he hadn’t. He cursed himself inwardly for that moment of weakness. He allowed a few seconds to pass before he gazed up at Justin, suddenly realizing that his former boyfriend was looking at the wall in front of him.

　

He cursed once more.

　

Justin was mesmerized by the painting. He hadn’t seen it in a long time, and wondered briefly why Brian had kept it, let alone displayed it. But then, it just was another reminder that Brian had never acted like everyone expected him to.

　

"You’re here to admire the décor?" He heard Brian comment sarcastically, the tone of his voice bringing him back to reality. Peering over at him, he noticed that Brian was glaring at him, his jaw tight.

　

"I didn’t think you still had it," he said as nonchalantly as he could, nodding at the wall.

　

Brian followed his gaze and drawled, "It’s a painting. It’s meant to be displayed on a wall, isn’t it?"

　

"Hmm…I suppose so," Justin slowly agreed. But he wasn’t fooled. He knew Brian too well, so he realized that keeping the gift he had given him so long ago held some significance, maybe even a confirmation on Brian’s part that something was unresolved, unfinished, between them. He decided not to push the issue, though, because he feared that his ex would just put an end to their encounter before it even began.

　

Just as Justin suspected, if he could read Brian’s mind at the moment he would realize that he was right. Brian knew he was full of shit. That painting was the first one Justin had offered to him. He still remembered that day, the smile on his lover’s face as he had carefully tore apart the wrapping paper. Justin had been so deliriously happy.

　

" _You like it?" Justin asked bashfully._

_"It’s a good first attempt," Brian responded, his lips turning upwards._

_"Fuck you! It’s genius!" Justin punched him lightly on the arm and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle wholeheartedly._

_"I’m fucking a princess," Brian proclaimed melodramatically, as Justin began to tickle him. "Stop it!" He laughed as he placed the painting on the floor._

_"Take that back!" Justin commanded._

_"No…" Brian succeeded in grabbing Justin’s wrists and flipped him over on the couch, his body holding Justin prisoner. His eyes darkened as he purred purposely, "I prefer to take you. All of you…" Soon, they were engrossed in a hot making-out session, the painting quickly forgotten._

　

Brian shook his head as he refocused back on the present. Now was not the time to relive old memories. He stared back at Justin and asked the only question that came to his mind. "So, Mr. Taylor…What the fuck are you doing here?" Brian enunciated the words slowly, making sure that Justin wouldn’t miss the dangerous edge to his voice.

　

"I needed to ask you a question," Justin announced firmly, feeling a rush of adrenaline coursing through his body over what he was about to do.

　

He had eventually made up his mind. Tyler’s e-mail had been a trigger, this little push he had needed to finally acknowledge, and more importantly accept, what he knew to be the truth. Actually, he had unconsciously refused to listen until he had read his partner’s plea the day before. The situation was such a mess, of course; yet no one else but he could change that. At last he was ready to deal with the consequences, even if he was perfectly aware that he could wind up being completely alone in the end. But he didn’t care anymore. Anything was better than continuing to lie to the people who cared about him. He owed them the truth. He owed _himself_ the truth, even if he was scared shitless to face it. Yet, he was no cheater, and he would not let his fear overtake his life.

　

Never again.

　

So, here and now he was going to admit that he had never forgotten the man standing in front of him. The truth was, however, Justin didn’t know if he could salvage anything from their years together. It was probably too late, their chances gone just like so many others who couldn’t let go and insisted on grabbing onto hopes and false pretenses. But he would take anything, whether it was a rare moment or two in Brian’s life or a more permanent one. He knew that he just couldn’t hide anymore; he had already done that for far too long.

　

Brian, on the other hand, didn’t understand. Justin needed to ask him a question? About what? And why? It’d been eight years, EIGHT years without a single word from him, for Christ’s sake, and now, out of the blue, even when he had made it clear during that recent encounter that he didn’t want to discuss it anymore, he decides that he needs to talk?

　

He wanted to say no. He wanted to tell him to get the hell out of here. To scream at him. To let those eight years of loss erupt from within him, creating chaos and a definite conclusion to the "Brian and Justin show." But another part of him wanted to apologize, to take back the hurtful, cruel words he had said the night they had ended their relationship.

　

Brian knew it was his fault. He had lost the only man he had ever been in love with – yes, he could recognize love when he felt it, even if he had always pretended otherwise – because he had purposely let Justin go, had pushed him so far, so hard, that he had never stood a chance. That was the only reason why he was going to allow Justin to ask his questions now. He owed him that. But he wasn’t going to make it easy, either.

　

"Oh…And what would it be?" He responded with a smirk, bracing himself for Justin’s questions while keeping busy by arranging some sheets of paper on his desk. Finally he ceased his paper shuffling, resting his hands together on top of his desk as he waited, listening as the silence dragged on for several seconds.

　

Justin’s throat felt too dry. He could hear his unspoken words hanging in the air between them; he hadn’t realized until now how hard it would be for him to speak them aloud. He shivered slightly before quietly asking, "Do you ever regret what we had?"

　

The question resonated loudly in the air. Brian’s hands stilled suddenly. He didn’t answer, didn’t look at Justin at all.

　

 _Fuck you_.

　

"Look at me," Justin ordered quietly. Brian resisted at first, but he finally obeyed. Gazing up, he noticed how calm Justin appeared, even if he suspected that he was anything but.

　

Brian shook his head. "You know how I feel about that. Regrets are a waste of time. What’s done is done," he said coolly, his inner self sneering at him because of his cowardice. He felt a pang in his chest, though, when he saw the furtive flash of hurt in Justin’s eyes.

　

Justin snorted. "So, that’s it. You still prefer to pretend that you don’t care."

　

Brian wanted to deny those words, but he refrained. What would be the point? The past was the past, and there was nothing he could do to change it. His heart raced, however, when Justin added, "Hell, did you ever?"

　

Brian sighed. His mind went blank. He had no idea how to deal with the situation without betraying himself. So, he didn’t move, didn’t say a word, and just waited for Justin’s next strike.

　

He didn’t have to wait for long, but he was definitely not prepared for Justin’s next announcement. "I’m going to break up with Tyler."

　

" _What_?"

　

"You heard me," Justin stated, his eyes never leaving Brian’s.

　

Brian was at a loss. What was Justin getting at? What did he want from him? The fact that he obviously felt like he needed to share this news with him had to mean something. But what? Their relationship had ended so many years ago. Brian would be completely insane to think that they had still a chance at…something. Did he even really want Justin back in his life? Sure, he had loved him. He still did, he always would. But he suspected Justin’s state of mind had more to do with him dealing with a case of nostalgia than anything else. They had shared so much here. Those years when they had become men, they’d experienced them together, becoming adults and dealing with their past together. It was impossible to forget that bond. Its reminder was…impregnated, branded inside of them.

　

However, it didn’t mean that the connection was supposed to last. Life happened, swept away and destroyed bonds every day. It was fucked-up, sure. But life was fucked-up. They both had learned that lesson at a very young age, and Brian had never forgotten.

　

So, he didn’t answer. Didn’t show any signs of relief. Didn’t even dare allow his mind to feel remotely happy. He just stared at Justin, who looked back at him, the flicker of expectation quickly dying in his eyes.

　

Brian was aware of what he would think of his silence. That he was an asshole, because it could only mean that he didn’t care about what Justin was going through.

　

Still, Brian was wrong. Justin had expected him to appear totally closed-off. After their last encounter at Woody’s, it would have been stupid to imagine that it would be easy to sneak in under the wire again.

　

Truthfully, Justin was playing with fire. He knew Brian cared. He had changed a lot during the passing years; that much was obvious. But, conversely, he didn’t know how to make him react without challenging him and pushing him as far as he could. Maybe he was wrong to play him like he was. But he needed for him to open up, even if all he would earn would be Brian’s wrath. So, he laughed bitterly. He glared at Brian, preparing himself for the storm he was about to create.

　

"You really haven’t changed at all," he declared disdainfully.

　

He saw the flicker of anger coming alive in Brian’s eyes, but the man didn’t answer as he expected him to do. He merely snarled, "What the fuck do you want me to say? You want to break up with your perfect boyfriend? I think it’s a mistake, but I already know you won’t listen to me. So what exactly do you expect from me?"

　

Justin pushed, "Don’t you want to know why?"

　

"I know why," Brian snorted. "You came back here, and for a reason I don’t quite understand, you let nostalgia fuck with your head."

　

"Nostalgia? You think I’m here because of fucking nostalgia???" Justin retorted, astounded. How could Brian dismiss him so easily? Did he really believe that his conflicted feelings over his current situation were just due to something as simple as nostalgia? And more importantly, how dare he reduce their past relationship to something so trivial?

　

Brian understood immediately that he had struck a nerve. But fuck, he couldn’t let Justin mess with his head. "Yes! Nostalgia! What else?" He snapped, walking over to where Justin was standing. He stopped right in front of him and retorted, "Do you really think there is anything else left from that time?" That was a low blow, even for him, but he didn’t care.

　

Justin had heard enough. Brian’s anger was palpable, his usually graceful facial features transforming into a mask of hard, cold lines, and Justin flinched under his hurtful words. He felt the electricity flooding through his body, filling his veins. "You’re the one who pushed me away because you weren’t man enough to deal with your shit! So, fuck you, Brian! Fuck you for dismissing everything we had! For being such a coward and letting me leave you! Just fuck you!" Justin shouted, unable to prevent years of anger and regret from finally prevailing. He was breathing heavily, his eyes blazing.

　

Brian glared at him, Justin’s words stabbing him forcibly. He leaned closer to Justin’s face, his breath caressing his former lover’s skin. "There. Feel better now? You’ve said your piece, and reinforced the fact that I’m the worst asshole you have ever met, so why don’t you just get the hell out of my office and forget you ever met me?" Brian spat back, cursing inwardly when he heard the edge in his voice. As much as he wanted to hide how painful Justin’s words were ringing in his ears, he was failing miserably.

They both glared daggers at each other, both consumed by anger and unresolved emotions. The atmosphere inevitably shifted at that moment, and Justin would never really know why he acted the way he did after hearing Brian’s reply. Sure, he could have chosen to listen to the hurtful words Brian was spewing, but all he could focus on were Brian’s eyes.

　

He placed his hand on the back of Brian’s head and didn’t even give him time to blink before he smashed their lips together. Brian didn’t respond immediately, but as soon as he got over his surprise, he pushed Justin against the nearby wall and attacked him just as fervently. It was raw, brutal. Gone was any gentleness from their memories. Here and now, years of yearning, regret and pain melted into a sexual energy so intense that neither man could prevent it.

　

Brian latched onto Justin’s neck as he purposely grazed his hand against his covered cock. Justin groaned, but he needed to feel Brian, to feel his lips on his again. He grabbed Brian’s head once again and Brian readily surrendered as he invaded his mouth; soon he was gasping when Justin began to rub against him.

　

They were lost. One, initial touch of their lips, and it was already too late for them. They both knew they would not come back from this, nor could they ignore it. The past and the present were entwining together in one single moment of abandon.

　

Their tongues danced together. The more it lasted, the more they reveled in the feel of their hands on each other as each touch became more insistent, their orgasm approaching so close, so fast, they couldn’t do anything but let the pleasure overtake every fiber of their being; let it take them to a place from which they wouldn’t be able to come back unscarred.

　

Both men breathed hard against each other’s lips. Suddenly, Justin came so hard he couldn’t control his moan, which in turn triggered Brian’s orgasm as he cried out, feeling his cock exploding in his pants.

　

They stayed there, Brian’s hands falling by his side as Justin lowered his head onto Brian’s shoulder. Neither man moved. Their breathing slowly evened out as they stood there in the silence. No words, no sounds filled the air anymore.

　

At last, Brian stepped back, his eyes locking with blue ones, and Justin felt his breath catch in his throat once more. Fear began to grip him like an iron fist as Brian slowly retreated back into his protective shell.

　

"Get out…" Brian whispered.

　

"Brian…"

　

"Please…" Brian insisted, his eyes pleading for Justin to leave.

　

Justin nodded slowly, his throat closing up.

　

He went to the adjacent bathroom, leaving Brian on his own. When he returned, Brian was still standing in the same spot where he had left him. He hesitated before eventually heading towards the door. He paused to peer over at Brian, who looked back at him silently before he turned the handle and walked out.

　

********************************

　

Unsurprisingly, Brian left his office early that day.

　

He went to the gym. He rarely used the punching bag, but the release of anger he felt as he hit his gloved hands against the hard surface over and over again was welcome. He needed to get it out. All of it.

　

He continued until he felt drained enough to stop momentarily. Even then, he still felt this restlessness refusing to let go of him completely; but at least he didn’t feel the uninvited bad energy flooding his veins anymore.

　

He didn’t know what to do. Hell, he didn’t know what to think. Justin’s revelations earlier today had been totally unexpected, leaving him feeling completely helpless. For such a long time he had truly believed that his former lover had forgotten all about him, drawing a line on their past relationship without a single regret. Brian surely would have deserved it.

　

But no. Once more, Justin had persevered, not allowing Brian to act as if they meant nothing to each other, although he had been slow in confronting him about it. Eight years to call him on his bullshit was a long time.

　

Brian couldn’t help but think that Justin was completely insane. Well, accepting the kind of relationship they’d already shared was actually proof enough that his diagnosis was already established. He was breaking up with his boyfriend? Why? Because of him? Did he really believe that expected heartaches and failed attempts would be better than staying committing to a loving – and uncomplicated – boyfriend?

　

The most astounding thought running currently in Brian’s mind was the fact that Justin could actually have faith in him, in _them_. How could he? What did he see now that makes him want to take such a risk, to jeopardize everything he had fought for in the last eight years?

　

Moreover, how fair would it be? Brian appears in the picture and, bang! Justin feels like he has to give up everything in exchange for the memory of a time that might as well have never really existed? Had he ever been truly happy with him?

　

The old Brian would have said fuck this shit. Justin would be better off without him, anyway, so there was been no point at all in dwelling on it. He should have told him in no uncertain terms that he was completely crazy to believe that they still had something to fight for; he should have ordered him to move on, and to stop deluding himself, emphasizing that it would be a lot easier – and less painful – to just look the damn definition up in Webster’s and grow up, because this particular type of fantasy didn’t exist in real life.

　

Oh, yes, he should have said it all, and then he would have licked the wounds he’d inflicted upon himself by dragging his best friend out to enjoy some nightly exploits.

　

But he was not that man anymore. Understanding that it wasn’t his place to control what people thought or felt had taken him long enough. Everybody was free to make stupid mistakes, and he certainly knew a thing or two about that.

　

He would allow Justin to come back in his life if he really wanted to. He wouldn’t resist him – well, not too much, anyway - even if he doubted that they would ever succeed in restoring a true friendship. Brian didn’t believe that they could ever recover what they’d lost, although the sexual attraction that still existed between them wouldn’t help. But there was nothing he could do to avoid it. Today was a perfect example of that; just a taste of Justin’s touch upon him, and it had felt like a blinding spark. At least, some things hadn’t changed.

　

If only that thought was more comforting.

　

**********************

　

**_Sunday, Three days later, Pittsburgh International Airport…_ **

　

The plane landed on the runway on a rainy Sunday night, reinforcing Justin’s melancholy. The Boeing 737 taxied to the gate and stopped, but Justin remained in his seat, waiting for the rush of impatient passengers to disembark first. Looking through the window, he noticed airport employees guiding another plane in, and he focused on the fluorescent lines of their clothing as they led another jet to the adjacent gate.

　

Justin had told Tyler everything. He had taken off on Thursday night, his boss having agreed to grant him a day off on Friday, and had arrived in Italy on a surprisingly warm afternoon. When he saw Tyler, he had become worried that he wouldn’t be strong enough to do what he had to do. Tyler had been so happy to see him standing there at the door of the apartment they’d shared together. Still, he had immediately noticed that something was wrong. Justin hadn’t smiled, hadn’t taken him in his arms. He had just stood there, looking sad and defeated.

　

Tyler hadn’t cried. But he had yelled. He didn’t understand; how could he? Justin was throwing away two years of happiness, and for what? For another man, one that had already shattered his heart once? How could he do that? It didn’t make any sense. Furthermore, how could he be so calm about the whole thing? The more Justin had talked, the more Tyler had understood that there was nothing he could say to change his mind. He couldn’t believe how wrong he had been to give his heart to this man.

　

He had been so angry, so fucking angry. How could Justin be so stupid? If he really had been in love with this Brian guy all these years, why hadn’t he realized it sooner? Surely it was a mistake, and Tyler had tried with all his might to convince Justin that he was wrong.

　

But Justin hadn’t caved. He should have hated himself for what he had done to Tyler, but in the end, it was better this way. Of course, he would have preferred to have realized that he was still in love with Brian sooner; that way, even if they never found their way back to each other again, he wouldn’t have had the inclination to commit himself to another man when their story felt so unfinished. But whatever the outcome would be, he still needed to try, to give them a chance to repair what had been broken eight years ago. Deep down, he had known all along. Yet he had wanted so hard to deny it, and to believe that he could fall in love again.

　

He _had_ loved Tyler. He wouldn’t have followed him to Europe, leaving his family and friends behind, if he hadn’t been convinced at the time that they could have a future together. Tyler was a smart, loving man, and he deserved to find someone who would love him like he should be loved.

　

But that man wasn’t Justin. They never would have lasted. Maybe if they had met at another time, they could have made it. If Justin had been brave enough not to run away eight years ago, who knows if he wouldn’t have moved on by now? Maybe then their lives would have taken a different path, and Justin would not be in love with his first love anymore. He would have met Tyler and never let him go.

　

It didn’t matter. Tyler hated him. Justin had seen the anger in his eyes, the glimpse of disgust over what he had considered a betrayal. Tyler didn’t believe him when he had told him he hadn’t planned on any of this happening when he had moved back to Pittsburgh. When he tried to apologize and tell Tyler how sorry he was, he had laughed at his words, and Justin had let him.

　

There were not any sweet goodbyes. Tyler had ordered him to get out, shouting awful words at Justin, reflecting those of a heartbroken man. Justin had not fought him, whispering a last apology before closing the door and walking away. The only consolation was that Tyler could stay in Italy now. Justin knew he had fallen in love with that country. Now, he had no reason to leave anymore.

　

Sighing, he finally stood up and grabbed his bag from under the seat before walking off the plane.

　

　

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish you all a wonderful Christmas!


	14. After the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Thank you Kim, you're the best**  
> The Past: December 2002

 

 

_**December 2002, Friday morning, Emmett’s apartment…** _

 

Brian woke up alone.

 

He blinked as his mind began to function again, recalling the events that had taken place a few hours earlier. Had it really happened?

 

He rose from his bed and went to take a shower. Standing under the hot water a few minutes later, he lowered his head, letting the hot water relax his neck muscles. After twenty minutes, he got out, dried himself, shaved, and brushed his teeth before dressing for work.

 

Before leaving the apartment, he went to Justin’s door. He hesitated, standing there a moment too long, before he walked away and then out the front door.

 

****************************

 

Justin heard Brian. He heard the water running, followed later by the sounds of his steps halting by his door before moving away.

 

He sighed deeply. He had retired to his room shortly after he’d heard Emmett returning from his night out with the boys around four in the morning; he didn’t want his roommate to know something about himself that even he didn’t understand.

 

When Brian had fallen asleep by his side earlier that evening, Justin had kept staring at him for what seemed like forever, his eyes travelling along every line of his face and body. Brian had seemed so peaceful and beautiful.

 

What they’d shared tonight had been totally unexpected. It was a wonderful interlude, a brief suspension of time. But now that the moment had passed, Justin feared that reality would re-emerge and defeat him. Would Brian acknowledge what had happened between them at all?

 

The young man would have to be patient to find out.

 

****************

 

_**Friday night, Babylon…** _

 

Another night filled with new promise for the patrons at Babylon; the men were dancing, searching for some excitement and fun in their otherwise dreary lives. Here they could forget about their day-to-day worries, and what the world otherwise expected of them. Oblivion was so much sweeter.

 

Jesse was behind the bar, observing the men, the chase, and the kill. He usually enjoyed this part of his job, the insight he could gain into human complexity. Yet, he was not in the mood tonight, and had barely enough patience to concentrate on the orders his customers were giving him.

 

He saw Michael arriving and scanning the area, obviously searching for Brian. Their friend was here, all right, but he was busy with his own party, and Jesse doubted that he would be available for his best friend.

 

Michael made his way to the bar, and greeted Jesse with a smile. Leaning over the counter, he shouted over the loud music, “Have you seen Brian?”

 

“He’s here somewhere…” Jesse vaguely responded, while preparing two shots of vodka. He put them in front of two men on the counter, one of them taking advantage of his move to give him his phone number. Jesse rolled his eyes and glared, muttered a “not interested,” and turned back to Michael.

 

His friend frowned and stared at him. Jesse seemed to be depressed, although Michael assumed it had to be because of Aaron. He momentarily considered pressing him about his bad mood, but he refrained. “Where the fuck is Brian?” He repeated, only to notice Jesse staring at the dance floor.

 

“Michael…” Jesse pointed with his finger. Michael turned around and followed Jesse’s gaze. Brian was dancing with some guy – eating him up would have been more accurate, but whatever – and by the goofy grin he was sporting on his face, Michael could already guess that he was completely high.

 

He headed towards Brian, bumping into a few bodies on the crowded dance floor and eventually positioning himself by the side of the two men who were grinding against each other without shame.

 

“Hey…” He tried to get his friend’s attention, but Brian didn’t seem to notice him, even though Michael was sure he knew that he was there. Losing patience, he shouted loudly, “Hey!”

 

Brian finally leaned back from the never-ending kiss he was sharing with his trick. Michael noticed immediately that his pupils were dilated. “Mikey? Heyyyyy!” He drawled stupidly.

 

Turning to look at the man in front of him, Brian had the inexplicable and brainless need to introduce him to his friend. “Mikey, this is…” He stared playfully at the curly, dark-haired man before grinning widely, “Numero 3…” Then, he frowned, closed an eye, and purred, “Counting is highly overrated anyway…” before claiming the man’s lips again, who just sighed happily in response.

 

Michael stared at them in disbelief before eventually shaking his head. The two men were completely lost in their own world, and Michael had absolutely no wish to follow their lead. He wondered briefly when Brian was going to grow up and stop treating the men he fucked like shit, but if his tricks weren’t smart enough to complain, there was nothing he could do about it.

 

When he had first met Brian, Michael had instantly been drawn to him. He’d had the biggest crush of his life, and for a time he’d hoped that Brian would return his feelings and fall in love with him. For three years, he had fantasized about what their first time would be like, dreaming about roses and gentle caresses; a perfect night where endearing words would be pronounced softly. It never happened.

 

There had been a time when Brian had almost made his wish come true - sort of. They were in Michael’s room, looking at a hot guy in a magazine, and Michael had not been able to hide the boner he’d sported. The smell of Brian, his voice, his never-ending way of touching him and kissing him in a playful manner, had reached its culmination that day. Brian had noticed, of course, and had opened his friend’s pants, his delicate fingers enveloping his cock, slowly moving up and down. Michael had felt so high, so out of his mind. That’s when his mother had barged into his room, unannounced, preventing them from finishing what they had started. One of the most horrible moments of his life.

 

When Jesse had come along, three years after his first encounter with Brian, Michael had disliked him just as instantly as he had fallen in love with his best friend. He had behaved like a cunt to the boy, always trying to blame him for every bad thing Brian encountered. The most unbearable thing had been the constant fighting between the two of them, and seeing how much Brian enjoyed watching his two friends acting like dickheads. For that reason, those first few months Michael would have done anything to get rid of Jesse’s presence in Brian’s life.

 

Yet, it had changed over time. Michael is still not sure how it’d happened. Maybe because he had always known inwardly how wrong his actions really were. The jealousy he’d felt had slowly diminished when he’d understood that Jesse wasn’t going anywhere, and that Brian really cared about him.

 

Jesse had made him understand that he was living in a dream; that Brian would never love him back as he wanted him to. He could continue to hold onto his fantasy for years, waiting to capture a special place in Brian’s heart; or, as Jesse had shared with him one day when Michael was feeling down after Brian had dumped him once more, he could accept that he already held a special place, and acknowledge how precious their relationship was. No ‘would be’s.’ Just the present and the reality.

 

Now, all these years later, Michael still had feelings for his friend, but he had accepted that there would never be more between them. If Jesse hadn’t come along, he isn’t sure he would have ever grown out of love with Brian, ever. Who knows? One thing is sure, though; without Jesse, Brian might have been dead. Michael would have done anything to help his friend handle his family’s death, but would he have succeeded on his own? He doesn’t know that. He doesn’t want to know.

 

Gazing up into the green eyes of his friend, he felt an overwhelming feeling in his chest. Funny how love can blind the truth sometimes, because as far as he was concerned, Michael would now choose Jesse’s friendship over Brian’s love in a heartbeat.

 

Jesse frowned at the look Michael was giving him, but didn’t comment on it. “So?”

 

“He’s high,” Michael stated, plopping himself on an available stool and leaning his forearms on the counter.

 

Jesse snorted. “And that’s surprising because…?”

 

Michael didn’t reply. “Can you give me a beer?”

 

“Sure,” Jesse responded curtly with an odd look on his face. Michael noticed he was looking at something and sighed when he discovered Aaron dancing with a guy. Jesse had been involved with the man for some time now, but Aaron was ignoring Jesse more and more, turning him down for nameless men. Seriously, what was wrong with them? Brian, Aaron, they all acted as if relationships were such a big deal. Brian might not be fucking anyone on a regular basis, but Michael knew that Jesse was in love with Aaron, and that this hot and cold game was hurting him deeply.

 

Fucker.

 

Michael turned to look at Jesse, who was busy filling a glass. Concerned, he inquired, “Hey, you okay?”

 

“I’m good.” Actually, Jesse was anything but okay. Aaron had avoided him for three weeks now. It was the first time he had seen him since the last night they’ve spent together, and the man hadn’t even acknowledged him tonight at all.

 

What the fuck had he done to deserve this? He wanted to go and confront his lover, but he couldn’t. First, he was working, and creating a scene in the middle of Babylon would not sit well with his employer. But even more, he wasn’t going to beg. If Aaron wanted to end it, he would let him. He wouldn’t wallow in misery over a man who didn’t have the balls to tell him what was eating him up. Jesse suspected that Aaron was scared of his own feelings, and wasn’t ready to settle down, even if he _was_ thirty-three. It was ridiculous as far as Jesse was concerned, but two could play that game. If Aaron wanted to play low, Jesse would, too.

 

Not tonight, though; Jesse had a work to do, and he wouldn’t fuck it up because of his anger towards the man he loved.

 

***************

 

_**Saturday morning – the diner…** _

 

Debbie was working the morning shift when she saw her surrogate son entering the diner. Brian looked like he hadn’t slept enough, an assumption that was confirmed as soon as he plopped himself into the booth where Jesse, Michael, and Ted were sitting and leaned his elbows on the table to support his forehead.

 

“Busy night?” Jesse asked in a playful manner, as Michael chuckled besides him.

 

“Fuck off…” Brian retorted brusquely before gazing up at his friends. “I woke up in a waterbed with a stupid guy drooling all over a pink-and-purple-starred pillow, so just keep your mouth shut and let me enjoy my hangover in peace, would you?”

 

“Pink and purple stars? You sure you didn’t sleep with Emmett?” Ted teased knowingly.

 

“At least some of us get laid on a regular basis, unlike you, Theodore…” Brian snarled.

 

“I get laid on a regular basis!” Ted protested loudly, earning a few curious stares from the other patrons. Realizing he had overreacted, he lowered his voice and added, “You’re not the only one with a sex life.”

 

Brian snorted, “I’m so relieved! I was afraid the last guy you fucked was that bald guy you left with…When was it? Three months ago?” He grinned insincerely at Ted, who just blushed in response.

 

“Brian, cut it out!” Debbie intervened, slapping him on his head.

 

“What?” Brian asked, donning his most innocent face.

 

“Stop being an asshole and leave Teddy alone…” She ordered him; Brian just raised his hands in front of him in an innocent manner. “Now, here is your coffee and some pancakes.”

 

“I don’t eat pancakes,” Brian growled, scowling.

 

“And I don’t care. I will not let you leave this booth until you put that in your mouth and moan in pleasure as if you’re sucking a delicious cock, you got it?” Debbie stated with a serious expression on her face.

 

“Okay, I will never look at pancakes the same way again,” Jesse replied with a laugh.

 

“She made me eat a dozen once,” Michael revealed, smiling at his mom while sipping his cup of coffee.

 

“She asked you to moan as if you were sucking a dozen cocks, too?” Brian quipped. “Ouch!” He winced as Debbie slapped him on the head again. “Hey! That fucking hurt!”

 

“Just eat, and stop being such a princess for once. It won’t kill you,” she retorted, walking over to another booth.

 

Michael, Ted and Jesse laughed even harder when Brian glared at them.

 

“So, you were pretty high last night,” Michael stated. Brian didn’t miss the hidden question behind his words, but he didn’t comment. He took a bite of his pancake instead.

 

“Making up for a missing night at Babylon?” Ted inquired jokingly, referring to the night before when they had all headed to the club while Brian and Justin had gone home.

 

“I don’t need a reason to party. I’m not a Stepford fag,” Brian remarked curtly, making Jesse frown. Michael stared over at Brian, too. There was something they were missing. Jesse suspected that it had to do with Justin, but he couldn’t be sure. And he wasn’t going to share his conclusions out loud. He valued his life too much for that.

 

“What about you?” Brian gazed up at Jesse. “You had fun last night?” He had briefly seen Aaron at Babylon, so maybe Jesse had finally had a chance to spend some time with the man. Brian knew how much Jesse cared about his ‘non-boyfriend,’ even if he personally didn’t think Aaron deserved him. Of course, that might be considered completely hypocritical, coming from a man who would surely act exactly as Aaron did. But he couldn’t help it. When it came to Jesse and Michael, he wanted to protect them at all costs from being hurt by men like him. Another perfect example of how fucked up his mind worked.

 

“Not exactly,” Jesse responded with a sad smile. Michael cleared his throat next to him.

 

Brian was about to respond when his flamboyant roommate joined them, effectively interrupting the conversation. “Hello, Sweeties!” He greeted them with a wide smile, peering at each of their smiling faces until his eyes landed on a glaring Brian.

 

Brian snarled, “You just called me Sweetie. Do I look like a Sweetie to you?”

 

Emmett tilted his head, moving playfully as he plopped himself down next to his friend, forcing him to bump into Ted. Brian glared some more. “No, you look like an acquaintance I know. Not sure what he’s had up his ass lately, but he just loves to complain all the time. You would get along with him beautifully, though…”

 

Brian rolled his eyes.

 

“So, where have you disappeared to since yesterday?” Emmett inquired innocently.

 

He didn’t reveal that he had heard Justin leaving Brian’s room in the early hours of Friday morning.

 

He had returned home from Babylon after hours of dancing and a spectacular fuck in the backroom, but once he had gone to bed, sleep had wound up being elusive. Tossing and turning around for nearly twenty minutes, he had finally decided to get up to use the restroom when he heard a noise coming from the corridor. Opening his door, he had been shocked to discover Justin’s retreating form tiptoeing towards his room.

 

The next morning, he had debated as to whether or not he should interrogate Justin about it, but he had finally decided against it. If his friend wanted to talk, he would; but unfortunately, Justin hadn’t mentioned Brian at all. So, Emmett was now dying to know what had occurred between his two friends. He couldn’t help it if he loved gossip so much.

 

That’s why he looked closely at Brian’s body language when he answered his question. He had noticed Brian tensing when he asked him about him being a no-show the day before, and it made him oddly thrilled that his roommate seemed uncomfortable with his question. Because that meant that whatever was going on, it wasn’t just a fluke.

 

Brian looked sideways at nothing in particular, while taking a sip from his coffee. He eventually gave Emmett a one-word answer. “Around…” Then, he put the cup down on the table and stood up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, some of us have to work to pay the bills…” Pushing Emmett out of the booth none too gently, he uttered a parting farewell of “Ladies…,” accentuating his word with a stare and a fake smile at his roommate, before he headed toward the door and promptly disappeared from sight.

 

“Now that’s what I call making a man flee. What was _that_ all about?” Jesse inquired, frowning.

 

Emmett just smiled as he declared, “I have a feeling we will know soon enough.” He gazed over at Jesse, and – noticing a gleam in his eyes – realized that his friend had the same suspicions that he did.

 

“If you say so,” Jesse responded. Michael and Ted just looked at their friends, wondering what had just happened.

 

***********

 

_**Saturday evening, Emmett’s apartment** _ _**…** _

 

“Sweetie, are you okay?” Emmett inquired with a gentle tone, obviously concerned.

 

Justin and Emmett were washing the dishes after they’d shared a meal when Emmett tried to cautiously interrogate his roommate. He had perceived the weird mood his friend had displayed for the last couple of days. Whatever happened with Brian, his absence was making Justin nervous. Who would have guessed not so long ago? Truthfully, Emmett had noticed that since the day Justin had suffered from his panic attack, the dynamics between them had shifted. They weren’t snapping at each other anymore, and it truly warmed Emmett’s heart. For a time, he had feared they would not overcome their childish behavior, because whether they realized it or not, they were two of the most stubborn men he had ever met. Although, he didn’t know what was going to happen between them now. He could only hope that they would be okay.

 

“Sure…why do you ask?” Justin responded to his question, as he dried the plate in his hand.

 

“I don’t know. You seem…distracted or something,” Emmett replied, placing a glass back in the proper kitchen cabinet.

 

“I’m fine, Emmett, really,” Justin reassured him. He gazed up and noticed the look Emmett was giving him. “What?”

 

Emmett hesitated. Maybe he was wrong to pry, but if it could help Justin, why not? “Did something happened between you and Brian after we went to Debbie’s?”

 

Justin avoided his gaze in response. “Why do you ask?

 

“Well, you’ve been kind of off since yesterday. And Brian has yet to return home,” Emmett supplied carefully. He noticed that Justin closed his eyes briefly, but didn’t respond. If his friend wasn’t ready to talk about it, he would not push him.

 

“Well, I’m sure he’s fine,” Justin eventually volunteered. “He must be enjoying himself somewhere.”

 

Emmett didn’t comment. The guys had filled him in on Brian’s latest exploits at Babylon, and he suspected that Justin didn’t want to hear about that. So, he decided to drop the subject altogether as he announced cheerfully, “I’m supposed to go to Ted’s. He bought this new movie that has all these magnificent men running around half-naked on the beach…It’s called _Raisin’ in the Sun.”_

 

That comment, at least, evoked a small smile out of his friend, but it was fleeting as he added, “But as I’m sure being away from me for even a minute is torture for any man, I can cancel and stay if you want me to.” At least, he would have tried.

 

Justin chuckled over his friend’s ploy to make him feel better, “No. I’m beat anyway. Go on…and tell Ted I said ‘Hi’. I’ll be fine.” He folded the towel in his hands before hanging it up. Then, he looked up at Emmett again and felt compelled to add, “Really…It’s okay. Just go!”

 

Emmett sighed, a small smile playing on his lips. “Okay. I get that you want to get rid of me…but what have I done to deserve such a fate?” He said melodramatically as he went to grab his coat and put a scarf around his neck. “Well, have a good night without me, then, Sleeping Beauty…” He teased, referring to an inside joke they'd shared since Justin’s bout of pneumonia, and earning a playful glare from Justin.

 

“Out! Now!” Justin smiled and pushed Emmett toward the entrance. Emmett laughed out loud as he opened the door and left. Justin’s smile disappeared, though, as soon as the sound of his friend’s steps did, too.

 

************************

 

One hour later, Justin heard Brian entering the apartment. He wasn’t alone.

 

Lying in his bed, he listened as Brian fucked the guy. “Fuck you,” he whispered knowingly, before standing up and going to the living room. He sat on the couch with a charcoal pencil and his sketchpad.

 

Fifteen minutes later, the lights from the corridor went on, and a man he had never seen before appeared, buttoning his shirt. When he gazed up and saw Justin sitting alone on the couch, he paused, wondering if he should greet the other man and waiting to see if he would acknowledge him.

 

“The door’s that way,” was all Justin said with a brief tilt of his head in dismissal, not even bothering to gaze up at him. The man just nodded back at him and left.

 

It took fifteen more minutes before Brian finally emerged from his room. He paused when he noticed Justin sitting alone on the couch. He hadn’t seen him since that night, avoidance being the only way to deal with the aftermath of a moment he didn’t understand. Why had he acted like he had? Why had it happened? He couldn’t explain it. The attraction he had felt towards the younger man had turned into so much more than he usually was willing to give. Consequently, he had needed some time to put his thoughts in order, but it had been useless. The confusion he had felt was still beating inside of him.

 

Justin didn’t look at him. He remained focused on the sketch book in his lap, his hands moving restlessly as a lock of hair fell over his eyes. Brian had never seen Justin draw before, but it seemed almost as if he were in a trance as he remained where he was. He could hear the quiet scratching the pencil made as Justin continued to sketch until, at last, Justin’s hands stilled.

 

Eventually, Brian came closer, noticing the subject of his roommate’s frenzy; it was a shadow of a silhouette walking away. It was good, more than good. One other piece of the puzzle to add to the mysterious enigma known as Justin Taylor.

 

Brian took the drawing from his hands and placed it carefully on the coffee table before sitting down next to the other man, but Justin didn’t look at him at all; Brian wasn’t surprised when he heard his voice, though.

 

“I never thought you were such a coward.”

 

_Ouch_.

 

Okay, he probably deserved that.

 

**********

 

_**Flashback, Thursday night,** _ _**1 a.m., Emmett’s apartment…** _

 

They entered without a word. Brian shrugged off his jacket and turned to look at Justin, who was standing still in the middle of his bedroom.

 

They stared at each other, anticipation consuming them. Brian didn’t move at first, but then he began to slowly take off his shirt, his gaze never leaving Justin’s. Shirtless, he let it fall on the floor and observed as Justin just stared at him, his eyes traveling down his naked skin. Encouraged by Justin’s reaction, he took off his shoes and socks, and unbuttoned his jeans, letting them slide down his legs, along with his underwear. He bent over to take them off completely, and finally, he just stood there, completely nude.

 

Justin’s heart was beating fast. He was mesmerized by the sight of Brian, by his torso, his legs, his hands. He appeared so confident while standing there completely naked, as if the world belonged to him.

 

The artist within him had a compulsive need to draw him, to mesmerize every line and curve, every perfect flaw. To forge this moment inside of him. His eyes were captivated by Brian’s beauty.

 

He took a few steps in Brian’s direction. Peering into his eyes, he saw the desire burning there and yet Brian stayed still, silently allowing him to set the pace for their encounter. Slowly, he raised his left hand but paused, his eyes boring into Brian’s again, asking for some silent permission. His companion nodded slightly.

 

Justin’s hand touched his skin. First a forearm, so soft, so warm beneath his fingers.  
Emboldened, he let them travel further, reaching Brian’s shoulder, the curve of his neck. He ached from the need to kiss him, to explore him thoroughly, to take his time to rediscover another body other than his own with his lips. He did none of that at the moment, though.

 

His right hand joined the dance, and he placed it on Brian’s chest, lightly caressing it, until he touched his left nipple, feeling the pulse of his heartbeat. He felt the man’s rising breath on his face.

 

“You’re killing me…” Brian whispered. Justin just smiled shyly.

 

He kept moving his hands all over Brian’s body, sliding his arms around to his back and going lower and lower, until he reached the curve of his lower spine and grazed his ass. He gazed up and Brian pinched his lips.

 

When Justin peered down, he realized how hard the man was from his ministrations. Before he had been so focused on what he was doing and how it had made _him_ feel, but now, seeing the expression of his companion’s obvious desire for him, he felt a desperate urge invading him. His breathing began to increase as he slid his hand purposely back around to touch Brian… _there_.

 

Brian gasped. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back, his mouth slightly open.

 

Justin relished in the feeling of Brian’s hard, heavy cock in his hand. He was completely in awe witnessing the man’s reactions to his caress. He began to slowly stroke him, listening to his breathing.

 

Touching a man could give someone such a feeling of power. Justin suspected that Brian would usually never let anyone take charge as he was doing. It was like he was offering himself to him as a way to help him to heal.

 

Brian gasped again. Considering the sexual tension had not left them since they’d come back from the roof, every touch felt like heaven. Justin tortured him for a long moment, beginning slowly, but steadily increasing his pace, and Brian’s body response was fantastic. He just couldn’t last. The thought urged Justin to keep up his efforts. He desperately needed to feel the man’s orgasm.

 

Sure enough, Brian warned, “Justin…” and Justin felt his cock beneath his fingers throbbing before a warm sensation covered his hand. He gazed up to look at Brian’s face, feeling a spark coursing through his body as he watched the pleasure and high clearly displayed on his face. He watched Brian cry out silently, and again Justin couldn’t look away.

 

Brian couldn’t believe how hard he’d come. Eventually, he opened his eyes and realized that Justin hadn’t moved and was staring at him strangely.

 

“You’re doing great,” Brian murmured, placing his hand on Justin’s cheek. “I’m going to make _you_ feel good now…” He promised, leaning in to kiss Justin’s lips softly.

 

Justin shivered as Brian began to undress him carefully.

 

************

 

They were lying naked in Brian’s bed, Brian’s body covering Justin’s. They both could feel the desire growing between them, the slow rotations of their hips sending waves of pleasure inside them. Brian was kissing Justin thoroughly, their moans reverberating in each other’s mouths. It seemed to go on forever.

 

Justin moved harder against Brian, and the man responded with his lips, his tongue plunging deeper and deeper, his hand grasping Justin’s ass to push him harder against him. Their cocks were trapped, prisoners to the delicious torture they inflicting on each other.

 

Justin could have lost himself in this moment.

 

“Justin…” Brian whispered and he felt Justin stop moving against him. He leaned back to look him in the eyes, and they silently gave each other a choice.

 

Brian sensed Justin’s hesitation. He wanted so much to take the blond, to push into him and bring them both to a place where nothing else existed but the overwhelming feeling of their unique release. But Justin wasn’t ready for that, and Brian understood. It was surprising enough that he had let him go this far.

 

Yet, penetration was not the only way to reach an orgasm. Justin’s hand job earlier had felt as good as many other times when Brian had fucked a man senseless. What was it with this man, anyway? It was true that Brian had never let a man caress him and kiss him like he was doing with Justin tonight, and merely an hour of intense foreplay had been enough to make him reach the heights of pleasure he loved so much. Being so gentle and especially patient with another man was unheard of for him. But the connection he felt with his companion tonight couldn’t be explained.

 

“I want you in my mouth,” he revealed, letting a sigh of relief escape when Justin gave him his approval with a small nod. Even if he could have satisfied his need to bring his lover off with a hand-job, he really wanted more now.

 

He slipped his fingers through Justin’s, sensing that the connection could help the young man to let himself fully enjoy the moment to come. Lowering his head, he began to lick Justin’s skin. His neck, his torso, his nipples. The young man hissed beneath his tongue.

 

He shut off his thoughts and let his mouth travel lower, feeling Justin’s tension getting higher. He squeezed his hand in reassurance, pausing briefly, before gently spreading his lover’s legs, his mouth so close now.

 

He breathed. Justin shivered.

 

The first touch of his lips on Justin’s cock was almost shy. Brian had never been in the kind of situation where he feared that his companion would not enjoy his skills, but he wanted to taste Justin so much that he didn’t hesitate, either. He was strongly fighting the urge to devour him there and then.

 

Justin flinched slightly, but he didn’t stop him. Brian used his mouth on him slowly, and he soon couldn’t prevent a moan escaping his lips.

 

Justin should have known. He wanted to scream and laugh, a genuine smile resulting from his companion’s touch. Brian’s gentleness was driving him crazy by now, and he had to, he just had to arch his back for his lover to take him deeper. Now that he could feel the pleasure overtaking everything else, he needed more, gasping as Brian responded to his silent plea, taking him completely in his mouth.

 

He sucked him harder, taking all of him, using his free hand to grab Justin’s hip. A thin sheen of sweat covered their bodies as Justin’s orgasm grew closer. He impulsively slipped his fingers through Brian’s hair, urging him to bring him there. His companion grabbed his ass possessively, almost brutally in response, drowning in the pleasure he was giving.

 

The action caused Justin to moan loudly as he thrust his hips upward. He couldn’t stop himself anymore. Brian squeezed his hand again.

 

Suddenly, Justin let go completely. He felt himself exploding in Brian’s mouth, the bliss so intense that he couldn’t even warn him. He was too overwhelmed to form a single word.

 

Brian took it all and kept going until his lover stopped him with a firm grip on his arm. The older man looked up, smiling smugly. Justin didn’t notice, though. He was having a hard time recovering from what was undoubtedly the best orgasm he had ever had. Now, he totally understood why all of Brian’s tricks were so vocally grateful every time he fucked them.

 

As he opened his eyes, he peered at the man who was lying next to him, supporting himself on his elbow, a small grin on his face. Justin stared at him, his eyes exploring him again. His companion’s grin vanished just before Justin pushed him firmly onto his back.

 

Brian frowned, but he decided to let Justin do what he wanted. His breath caught in his throat, however, when he noticed the certainty in Justin’s eyes, just before the young man gazed down; he was rock hard after what he’d just done. Within seconds, Brian gasped loudly when Justin’s lips suddenly latched onto him without an ounce of hesitation.

 

God, it felt so good. Brian was extremely surprised – having already been so aroused by Justin’s response to his ministrations – and he cried out within seconds, his body shaking from the force of his orgasm.

 

He didn’t move as Justin came to lie next to him. He felt high, as well as drained. Brian could feel his gaze on him, but he didn’t acknowledge it. The young man began to caress his torso lightly.

 

“Thank you,” Justin whispered.

 

Brian eventually peered at him. They stared at each other, neither saying another word, until Brian closed his eyes and fell asleep.

 

_**End of Flashback** _

 

***************************

 

The memory haunted them both, albeit not in the same way.

 

“So, is that it? You’re going to avoid me from now on?” Justin inquired coolly.

 

“I’m not avoiding you,” Brian snapped, knowing full well that he had been doing just that. The night they’d spent two days ago had been so intense and unexpected that Brian hadn’t known how to deal with it. Therefore, he had left on Friday morning and had avoided the apartment ever since. Of course, bringing a trick home tonight had been part of his fucked-up plan to send Justin a message. He didn’t do love, boyfriends, or even worse, relationships. Justin needed to know that. What better way, then, than to shove it in his face?

 

“Sure, you are,” Justin retorted, answering his previous statement. He had spent the last couple of days hoping for Brian’s return, even though he had figured all along that the man would probably freak out and act as if nothing had happened at all. All the stories he’d heard about Brian’s famous sex philosophy should have warned him sufficiently, and yet he was helpless to stop the disappointment from engulfing him.

 

How could Brian do that? How could he trivialize the connection they’d shared? Was it fear that prompted him to bring a trick home tonight, in order to tell him that he meant nothing to him? Or, had he imagined a bond that never existed? The thought made him so angry and sad, because whatever happened between them from now on, _he_ would always remember that night. Brian had given him so much, only to throw everything away with his silence.

 

“Did I do something wrong?” Justin eventually asked, peering at Brian for the first time that night. This was actually the more frightening thought that ran through his head as he pushed aside his anger toward him.

 

“You know you haven’t,” Brian answered quietly, gazing at Justin in an unflinching manner, not leaving room for any argument on the matter.

 

“Do I?” Justin questioned, looking away as he smiled sadly.

 

Brian sighed. Fuck, he hated this shit. That’s why he never fucked men who expected too much from him. Justin needed to understand that it wasn’t his fault, but if he expected him to give him desperate declarations of undying love from now on, he had another thing coming. “Listen, Justin, what happened between us that night, it was good… great, even. But I have a life, and I’m not going to change who I am just because we fucked.” He stood up. Remaining seated next to Justin made him uneasy.

 

Justin snorted over Brian’s choice of words. “We didn’t.”

 

“You know what I mean. Don’t start with that shit,” Brian groaned. They might not have fucked in a literal sense, but what they’d done had been nothing less than fan-fucking-tastic.

 

“What? You expect me to act as if nothing happened? Or even better, that I should worship your sexual skills like every stupid guy you bring here?” Justin snapped, wringing his hands. He would not let Brian belittle him as if he were nothing more than a stupid fuck.

 

“What do you want me to say?” Brian had expected the young man’s anger, and yet he was surprised once again to witness how strongly Justin could fight him when he didn’t agree with his behavior. That was actually one of the things that fascinated him the most. Usually, guys just bent over for him, literally. Justin challenged him all the time, and Brian wanted to smile over his refusal to cut him any slack. He had the good sense to refrain, though.

 

Justin stood up suddenly, facing Brian. “I don’t know! You tell _me_! You want to act as if it never happened? Fine! But fuck if I will let you treat me like one of your tricks, Brian!” He stated strongly.

 

Brian stepped back to stare at him intensely, making Justin pause. “You’re not…” He began, but the words didn’t come out. Justin raised his eyebrows. “You’re not a trick…” He eventually said.

 

“And if I’m not a trick, what am I, huh?” Justin persisted, invading Brian’s space again.

 

“Seriously? You want me to label what happened between us?” Brian asked with an incredulous tone. He had always loathed every label society saw fit to use. Why did people need to categorize every fucking relationship they had, anyway? Did it give them a validation to fuck people over? And why did they need to be reassured all the time over a fucking label? Did a title make a betrayal easier in the end? Because Brian believed a label had never beaten honesty. And that quality was lacking grandly in this crazy world; yet, nobody seemed to mind, as long as they could hide beneath a useless qualification.

 

“Is it so hard for you?” Justin countered.

 

Honesty was the only thing Brian could give to Justin. So he did. “Listen, I don’t know, okay? I just know I wanted you, you wanted me, and I’m not going to try and explain the how and why of it. It happened, and I don’t regret it. There; are you happy?”

 

Justin stared at him, shaking his head. However, he couldn’t help but grin slightly over Brian’s declaration. The man might not have told him that he considered him to be different, and yet, that’s exactly what he had heard. “You’re unbelievable…”

 

Brian responded with a fake smile. “I know. I’ve been told that often enough.” His grin disappeared, though, when he noticed the look on the young man’s face. They were not joking anymore.

 

“Don’t disappear again,” Justin eventually demanded. “I mean it, Brian. I know what kind of man you are.”

 

“Oh? And what kind is that?” Brian asked.

 

Justin’s gaze never faltered as he answered, “The ‘fuck him and then throw him out with a kick in the ass’ one? Afraid of the remote reference to love and relationships? A man who would rather be alone than consider for one second that he could commit to another man? Take your pick,” he pushed him again.

 

“Huh? Is it what they teach you in your college program? Some psychology bullshit about how a man like me is so emotionally damaged that he’s unable to consider a commitment?” Brian retorted sarcastically.

 

“You know what I mean.” Justin didn’t take the bait, his gaze softening.

 

“Yeah, I do. I love to fuck men, plenty of them, and so I must be a bad, fucked-up guy,” Brian responded with a roll of his eyes.

 

“Brian…” Justin reprimanded him lightly, putting his hand on Brian’s arm.

 

Brian came closer, and rested his forehead on his companion’s. He sighed, “Justin, I fuck. I’m good at it, and it’s not going to change.” Stepping back to gaze into Justin’s eyes, he added, “I’M not going to change.”

 

“I’m not asking you to,” the young man whispered back, stroking his hand on Brian’s forearm.

 

Brian resumed his previous position, and closed his eyes. “So, what do you want?”

 

Justin was the one to pull back this time. He needed Brian to understand his words. He waited for Brian to open his eyes before stating, “I want you not to be this coward who runs away after acknowledging that what happened between you and me was…different.”

 

“It was?” Brian’s lips turned upwards.

 

Justin raised his eyebrow, with a half-smile. “Deny it. Go ahead,” he dared him.

 

Brian stared at Justin, his gaze turning expressionless for an instant. “You’re different, alright…” Then, all of a sudden, he chuckled briefly, “I’ve never been with a man who wanted to shut me up so much.” He frowned in a playful manner before adding, “Is it a kink you have or something? Ever hear about BDSM? You would be quite a hit, I’m sure.”

 

“Shut up.” Justin slapped him, trying to push him, but Brian grabbed his hands, holding him prisoner.

 

Leaning closer, he drawled, “Oh, I’ll shut you up, all right, little boy…” before claiming his lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!


	15. Reunions and surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ** A huge thank you to my fantastic beta Predec 2 **  
> The Present: November 2014

 

 

**_Four Days Later, Thursday Evening, Michael and Ben’s Place…_ **

 

 

Justin took a deep breath and exhaled into the chilly, cloudy night. Rubbing his hands to stop the cold from invading him completely, he jumped the two stairs separating him from the front door of the house he was about to enter and paused.

 

 

He had called Michael on Tuesday. His friend had invited him to come over to his house tonight in order to meet his partner, but more importantly, to reconnect with his mother. Justin was nervous and excited: another step to reunite with his past was about to be made, but truthfully, he was afraid of the outcome. Michael had assured him that everything was going to be all right, but Justin wasn’t convinced that Debbie would forgive him. He wasn’t sure _he_ would if he were in her place.

 

 

Debbie and Vic had been an important part of his life back when he had been involved with Brian. Vic had passed away four years ago, and Justin had always felt guilty that he hadn’t been there for Debbie. Weren’t you supposed to be there for the important persons in your life, no matter how long it had been since you’d seen them? To show them your support, if nothing else? But he hadn’t, because he hadn’t known at the time. When Emmett had finally been able to reach him, it had been too late. And Justin had felt crushed, because Debbie and Vic had given him so much in the past, but he wasn’t there when Debbie needed him the most.  Ultimately, at the time the best he could do after the fact was to send flowers with his condolences.  He really didn’t know if she would ever forgive him for cutting all ties for so long. He could only hope.

 

 

 _You can do this,_ he reminded himself, just before knocking on the door. He stepped back slightly, hearing some sounds coming from inside the house. Michael opened the door and greeted him with a big smile on his face.

 

 

“Justin! Good to see you. Don’t stand out there in the cold. Come in!” Smiling, Michael stepped back to allow him to enter. His eyes were immediately drawn to the friendly atmosphere emanating from the spacious living room. He took off his gloves and his scarf before shrugging out of his jacket. “Here, let me put those in the closet for you,” Michael offered, hanging his coat up in the hall closet and placing the gloves and scarf on a shelf above.

 

 

“Thanks,” Justin answered, before peering into the living room in front of him. Just then, he saw a handsome man coming their way with a big smile on his face.

 

 

Ben Bruckner. Emmett was right. He really was to die for.

 

 

“Justin, I’d like you to meet Ben. Ben, this is Justin,” Michael introduced his husband, who reached to shake Justin’s hand.

 

 

“Nice to finally meet you. Michael has told me a lot about you,” he greeted him in a friendly manner. Justin shook his hand as Ben stepped back, placing his hand on Michael’s shoulder.

 

 

“Nice to meet you, too,” Justin responded politely. He quietly observed the two men, immediately noticing how close they seemed to be; it was obvious how deeply they cared for each other. Justin smiled wider.

 

 

“Come and sit down,” Michael urged him, leading him towards the couch.

 

 

“You guys want some beers? Justin?” Ben asked.

 

 

“Yes, a beer would be great…” Justin followed Michael and sat down, while Ben went to the kitchen. “Your mother hasn’t arrived yet?” He questioned, even though with Debbie it would be fairly obvious if she had.

 

 

“She had a shift at the diner, and then she was going to the police station after that to get Carl, but she should be here pretty soon. Why?  Nervous?” Michael teased him.

 

 

“A little. Did you…did you tell her I would be there?” Justin inquired bashfully.

 

 

“I told her we had a special guest. I’m pretty sure she’s probably figured it out,” Michael stated.

 

 

“So, Justin…Michael told me you’re a graphic designer?” Ben asked as he brought a couple of beers over and placed them down on the coffee table.

 

 

“Yes. I started working for an animation firm two months ago,” Justin confirmed.

 

 

“And you’re an artist, too?”

 

 

“I paint in my free time, yes.” Justin was about to elaborate further when they heard a knock on the door, causing his heart to thump anxiously in his chest.

 

 

“It must be Ma and Carl,” Michael announced as he rose to his feet. Justin did the same, but remained where he was in the living room as he peered over nervously at the door.

 

 

The moment Justin heard voices, he knew one of them was Debbie’s; her voice was unmistakable. He felt a rush of adrenaline furtively coursing through his body as he observed her and a man he had never met before enter Ben and Michael’s home. Debbie was closing her umbrella – having used it to ward off the sleet that had been falling sporadically throughout the day – and she seemed visibly upset about something.

 

“You wouldn’t believe how rude some people can be! Carl had to stop these two stupid butchers from beating up on some poor kid!” She turned to look at her companion to vow, “I’m warning you, Honey, I’m not going to let this rest!  You’d better do something about those two, or I will organize a sit-in right in the middle of the police station!  You know I will, too!” She ranted loudly. Carl peered over at Michael, silently beseeching him to help him.

 

 

“Ma…Let it go. Carl is not responsible for people being assholes,” Michael reprimanded her gently, eventually turning to head back in the direction of the living room. Debbie sighed as Carl helped her to take off her coat before she eventually looked over at the living room for the first time since she arrived.

 

 

Justin saw the exact moment when Debbie’s eyes landed on him. He couldn’t help smiling in relief as he noticed the expression on her face; Debbie never had been good at hiding her feelings, and if the look in her eyes was any indication, Justin needn’t have been worried.

 

 

She stood there for several seconds before the squeal began. “Sunshine!” Before Justin had any time to prevent it, his arms were full of an emotional Debbie, who, true to herself, gave him the tightest hug Justin had ever received.

 

 

“Debbie…” He was overwhelmed as well to see her; but after a moment, he truly had trouble breathing. “Could you release me just a little?” He whispered in her ear teasingly.

 

 

“You little shit…” She answered back fondly, before leaning back.

 

 

“It’s good to see you, too,” Justin responded, smiling.

 

 

“I can’t believe it. What the fuck took you so long to come back, huh?” She said while taking both his cheeks in her hands.

 

 

Justin just stared at her, not knowing what to respond, except to whisper, “I’m sorry.”

 

 

“Not enough, young man…” She chastised him dryly, but her eyes were smiling through her tears.

 

 

Michael had been right. It was going to be okay, after all.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Carl and Justin were sitting on the couch while Michael, Ben and Debbie kept themselves occupied with some last minute dinner preparations. Laughter and an easy going vibe filled the air while soft music played in the background.

 

“So, how long have you and Debbie known each other?” Justin asked the older man curiously.  It was obvious the two were close as evidenced by their easygoing rapport. 

 

 

“I met Debbie a couple of years ago during one of my investigations into the murder of a young hustler who was found in a dumpster at the back of the diner,” Carl responded.  

 

 

“No shit!” Justin exclaimed in shock, open-mouthed.  “Was she the one who found him?” 

 

 

Carl nodded.  “Yeah…and she was determined to find out his name and who killed him. She barged into the police station while trying to teach me how to do my job,” he added with a small smile gracing his lips.

 

 

“That’s Debbie, all right,” Justin chucked before asking, “Did you find the murderer?”

 

 

“Not officially… the suspect killed himself,” Carl revealed.

 

 

“You did have a suspect, then?” Justin inquired.

 

 

“Yeah. Thanks to Kinney and Debbie, mainly. But we never could prove his guilt,” Carl stated soberly.

 

 

“Brian helped, too?” Justin asked, surprised that Brian would be involved.

 

 

“Yes. Hunter, you know him, right? Michael and Ben’s son?”

 

 

“I’ve heard about him, but I’ve never met him. Emmett told me he was a street kid when he met Ben and Michael, but that he is in college now.”

 

 

“He is. He helped Kinney back then on the case. He’s a good kid. And he was damned lucky to have met those two, also,” Carl stated, nodding towards the kitchen where Ben and Michael were laughing quietly.

 

 

Justin gazed at them, silently wishing that he could someday find the same type of relationship that they had, before he peered back at Carl.

 

 

“Debbie is delighted that you’re back,” Carl confided. “I’ve heard a lot about you these last couple of months.”

 

 

Justin’s chest tightened slightly. “I’m glad to be back. I never thought she would forgive me for not being in touch for so long.”

 

 

Carl eyed him softly. “I hate to say this...but I’m pretty sure she hasn’t,” Justin frowned. “Don’t get me wrong. She’s ecstatic that one of her lost boys is back, since she has always cared about you a great deal. But it’s been hard for her. Since her brother passed away, you boys are all she has left. Even if she doesn’t show it, she was deeply hurt that you didn’t keep in touch after you and Brian severed your relationship.”

 

 

Justin sighed. Of course he knew these past eight years couldn’t just magically disappear, and realistically he hadn’t expected Debbie to welcome him back with open arms. “I can’t change the past. But I won’t do that to her again,” he promised him.

 

 

Carl seemed to study him for a few seconds. “You’d better not,” he stated. “But just so you know, I’m sure she’ll forgive you. Just give her time, and…well, stopping by to see her from time to time might help, too.” He patted Justin on the shoulder before getting up to join the others who had just announced that dinner was ready to be served.

 

 

Justin nodded absently, peering at Debbie’s silhouette in the kitchen, before murmuring, “I will.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They ate while talking about their lives. Michael and Ben regaled Justin with stories about Hunter and JR – Mel and Michael’s two-year-old daughter – while Debbie gossiped about patrons at the diner and shared fond memories of her time with Vic. Justin listened intently, regretting what he had missed during his absence, but relishing in the fact that he was here tonight, sharing this special evening with all of them. He didn’t say much at first, preferring to catch up with their lives, instead. Of course, Debbie eventually began to interrogate him about his own life.

 

 

“As Mom told you, I lived in Chicago for five years. I was working there as an assistant graphic designer until eventually I transferred to New York before leaving for Europe two years ago,” Justin informed them.

 

 

“What about Jennifer? The last time I heard from her, she was thinking about moving back here, right?” Debbie inquired. She had kept in touch with Justin’s mother throughout the past several years, even when Justin had left Pittsburgh.

 

 

“Yes. She’s still in Philadelphia for now, but she talks about moving back.” Jennifer had moved ten years ago when she had been offered a job as a realtor. But now that Justin was back and set on staying in his hometown, she was considering moving back to be closer to her son.  Molly was currently living in New York, and even though she and Justin had never been that close, they talked on the phone regularly.

 

 

“And what about this boyfriend of yours?” Debbie eventually asked the one question Justin had been dreading. Surprisingly enough, no one had mentioned Brian, either, during the evening, and he was grateful for his friends’ thoughtfulness, but now he was afraid of what their reactions would be.

 

 

“We broke up,” Justin announced firmly, peering at the expressions on each of their faces. Michael didn’t seem that surprised, but Debbie obviously hadn’t been aware of anything going on between him and Brian.

 

 

Michael raised his eyebrows, however. “We?” He asked quietly.

 

 

Justin sighed in resignation, deciding he might as well cut to the chase.  “Okay…I broke it off,” he verified.

 

 

“Why? I thought you had found the perfect man? Isn’t that what you said, Michael?” Debbie frowned as she peered over at her son.

 

 

Michael had the good grace to look ashamed, leading Justin to understand that whatever conversation Debbie was referring to, it had to have happened before he and Michael had reconnected. “Emmett tends to over exaggerate; you know that,” The brunet answered his mother, appearing sheepish.

 

 

Justin raised his eyebrows back at him playfully, while Michael pinched his lips, a ‘deer caught in the headlights’ sort of expression on his face.

 

 

Debbie looked back and forth between her son and her surrogate son and shook her head. Truthfully, she had been surprised that Michael had invited Justin tonight, because she hadn’t been aware that they had reconnected again, or that Justin was back in Pittsburgh for good. Michael had held such a grudge against Justin since he had left, but apparently her assumption that the two men had settled their differences was now confirmed. Whatever Justin had shared with Michael, his son had forgiven him, so much so that he was now defending him and his choice to break up with his partner.

 

 

Her son had matured a lot. Having a husband and two kids certainly had helped to put things in a new perspective, but even so, she was astounded to see that these two men seemed to be on their way to restoring the friendship they had lost. Was Brian aware of that? Well, of course he must be. Debbie couldn’t imagine for one second that Michael would not inform him that he was socializing with Justin again.

 

 

Debbie still had a hard time forgiving him, but she was happy having to confront her feelings regarding his abrupt return, instead of hurting over his absence. She had missed the young man so much.

 

 

And so, Justin was back in Pittsburgh. And single. Well, the gossip at the diner was about to increase tenfold.

 

 

Now, that was a reason to celebrate.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Two hours later, Justin left after having promised Michael that he would stop by his comic book store on Saturday afternoon. His friend wanted to talk to him about something, but he didn’t specify what it was about. Justin was just happy that they all seemed to accept him back into their lives, and walked away from the house with a smile on his face.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Friday night, Emmett’s Apartment…_

When Justin had called Emmett earlier in the afternoon, mentioning that he and Daphne were planning on hanging out together for the evening, Emmett had proposed that they come over to his place. It’d been way too long since he’d seen his friend, and he was curious about what had happened in Justin’s life since his return. Michael had told him that he’d seen him, and Emmett had been delighted when he had understood that they had worked things out between them.

 

 

“So, how is your boyfriend?” Justin asked him. They were all sitting in the living room, drinking some cocktails Emmett had prepared earlier and eating delicious mini sandwiches he had concocted.

 

 

“You have a boyfriend? Who is he? I want to know everything. Don’t leave any details out!” Daphne chirps, grinning widely as she takes a bite of her sandwich. “God, this is exquisite!”

 

 

“Don’t mind her. She has a fascination with anything that’s gay, especially gays having sex. Not that I blame her. She doesn’t know what she’s missing.” Justin quipped, and Daphne played along, feigning a look of outrage at her friend.

 

 

For a second, that is. Then, she just grinned some more. “What can I say? Justin’s right. I have a shrine and burn a candle every night, praying that one day I will wake up in a gay man’s body…Imagine that, Justin! I could finally have sex in the backroom next to you!”

 

 

“Daphne!” Now, it was Justin’s turn to look outraged.

 

 

“What? You asked for it! But that’s not the point. We were talking about your boyfriend, Emmett,” she reminded the other man innocently.

 

 

Emmett was enjoying himself immensely, so he responded with a confident tone, “Drew is a former football player. He is a real man, all man, if you know what I mean,” he revealed with a wink at Daphne.

 

 

“How long have you two been together?” Daphne inquired.

 

 

“I first met him a couple of years ago. We had…some issues to work through; so, let’s just say that we have officially been together for three months now.”

 

 

“And…?” Daphne really loved the gossip too much. Emmett just stared at her, so she added, “How _is_ he?” Justin elbowed her in the ribs playfully. “Hey!”

 

 

“You forget to add ‘in bed’,” he added teasingly, making her grin some more.

 

 

“You two are too much, you know that?” Emmett smiled at their antics. “But I’m not the only one who has a sex life here now, am I?”

 

 

“Are you kidding?  She’s a nun,” Justin stated, feigning to be serious as he pointed at his best friend.

 

 

“Not anymore…” Daphne responded smugly.

 

 

“What? You’ve been with someone, and you didn’t tell me? Who _are_ you? And what you have done with my best friend?” Justin whined.

 

 

“What? It only happened a couple of days ago, and I was planning on telling you all about it tonight! Did you expect me to call you while it was happening?”

 

 

“That might have been an idea…” Justin frowned playfully. “But not a good one, considering. You might worship gay sex, but hetero sex is just…Eww…” Justin put a disgusting look on his face as he shuddered, earning a punch in the arm by his friend.

 

 

“Okay! We just verified that I and the charming lady sitting in front of me are having fabulous sex these days, but what about you, Justin?” Emmett asked, grinning.

 

 

Justin’s smile faltered a little. “I…well...It’s been a while,” he lied. He could still vividly remember his last encounter with Brian. It had been fabulous, all right. But so wrong, also, for too many reasons.

 

 

“Didn’t you and Tyler agree it was okay to have sex with other men?” Daphne asked.

 

 

“I…” Justin cleared his throat. “Tyler and I, we’re over,” he announced.

 

 

“WHAT?” His two friends answered at the same time, and Justin couldn’t help but smile a little. If he had felt nothing at all about his break-up with his former partner, the scene would have been downright comical.

 

 

Except it really wasn’t. While Justin was certain that he had made the right decision when he had decided to end his relationship with Tyler, he still felt guilty and, yes, heartbroken, over the outcome. He loved Tyler, he truly did. Maybe not the way he should have loved him if they had forged a life together, but it hadn’t made things easier nonetheless. Losing Tyler had been so fucking hard. Tyler had been a part of his life for more than two years, and he had shared so much with him. Every time Justin thought about how much he had hurt him when he had revealed he was in love with someone else, he felt his heart clench in his chest. He might appear to be unaffected on the outside, mainly because he had no other way to deal with it, but he was anything but. Ultimately, however, he knew he just had to suck it up, because he knew he had made the right decision. But fuck if it hadn’t been one of the hardest of his life.

 

 

“You heard me,” Justin replied brusquely; he wasn’t in the mood to joke anymore. But he knew that if he could talk freely about his feelings with anyone, however, it would be with Emmett and Daphne. Maybe they could help him somehow to sort things out, because now that he had broken up with his boyfriend, he really didn’t know where to go from here.

 

 

“Who was the one who…?” Daphne began to ask, not really knowing how to formulate her question, but she soon discovered that she didn’t have to.

 

 

“I did,” Justin revealed.

 

 

“What? Why?” She asked, confused. “I thought you were good together.”

 

 

“We were…” Justin responded, sighing. Peering up at his former roommate, he noticed the expression on the man’s face, and realized that Emmett had already guessed the reason why he was in this situation. Justin nodded absently.

 

 

“Brian…” Emmett muttered. Daphne frowned, before her eyes went wide.

 

 

“Brian,” Justin confirmed. “I…this is hard to explain. I’m not even sure I understand it myself.”

 

 

“Wait a minute…You broke up with Tyler because of Brian? Seriously?” Up until now, Daphne hadn’t been aware that Justin had seen Brian since that day at the movies. “You’ve seen him again?” She questioned suspiciously.

 

 

“A couple of times, yes.” Justin confirmed.

 

 

“You called him,” Emmett guessed.

 

 

Justin nodded. “Yeah. We’ve seen each other twice. Once at Woody’s…but that didn’t go very well. And, then I went to see him last week, and…”

 

 

“And?”  Emmett pressed. 

 

 

Justin didn’t answer. He merely shrugged instead.

 

 

“Okay; this is…wow,” Daphne stated not-so-eloquently.

 

 

“Listen, I don’t expect for people to understand. I just…” Justin tried to formulate his thoughts, but found that he was failing.

 

 

“You know, I always secretly thought of the two of you as having one of those great dramatic romances like Rhett and Scarlett…” Emmett began dreamily, but Justin interrupted him.

 

 

“ _Gone with the Wind_? Seriously?” Justin huffed incredulously, before turning serious again. “I know it’s crazy. I’m probably losing my mind, and I will probably regret it, but I realized that I had unresolved feelings that I needed to sort out. And I…” He took a breath before admitting the truth, “I also realized that I love Tyler, but not like I should love him. It wouldn’t have been fair to him if I’d let him move back here with me, especially knowing that he didn’t want to leave Italy in the first place…”

 

 

“Hmm…I can see your point. But are you sure you’re not making a mistake? I thought Brian was too high maintenance for you to be with him,” Daphne reminded him. She really didn’t know what to think of Justin’s revelation. She had really liked Brian back then, when he wasn’t hurting her best friend, that is, but she wasn’t so sure a relationship between them could work today if Brian was still the same man he had been before. Justin might have been crazy about him when he was younger, but she couldn’t see him acting like some lovesick boyfriend anymore, not with anyone. So, surely there was something that she was missing.

 

 

As if reading her mind, Justin felt the need to defend him. “He’s changed.”

 

 

“He has,” Emmett confirmed. Peering over at Daphne, he added, winking, “Don’t worry, though, he’s still an asshole. He hasn’t changed _that_ much.”

 

 

“What are you going to do?” Daphne eventually asked.

 

 

“Truthfully? I don’t know…I miss Tyler, I feel awful about what I did, and I’m not even sure Brian wants anything to do with me,” Justin responded just as his phone started to ring. Peering over at the name on the screen, his eyes widened as he announced, “Sorry, guys, I have to take this.” He stood up, walked a few steps, and entered his former room before answering his cell. “Jesse?”

 

 

“Justin? Hey…” his friend greeted him, and Justin couldn’t help his lips from turning upward as he heard his friend’s voice for the first time in six months.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

After Jesse had left Pittsburgh back in the spring of 2006, they had lost touch for many years. Jesse had pretty much ceased all contact with the gang in Pittsburgh, Michael being the only one he had kept in touch with at first. Even so, Emmett had informed Justin that as time had passed, the contacts had been less and less between them, until ultimately they had stopped altogether.

 

 

It had been out of pure luck that Justin and Jesse had reconnected three years ago. Justin had been in New York at the time, and they had run into each other at a photography exhibition on a cold November evening.

 

 

It had been awkward at first, but they had eventually decided to share a drink after the show, and they had wound up spending the entire night talking about everything and nothing: their aspirations, their dreams, what their life had become, their hopes for the future… That night, they had promised each other they would keep in touch, and had mainly succeeded, even though they had called each other only three or four times a year during the last three years.

 

 

However, Justin sensed right away that this phone call was different somehow. Dismissing his misgivings for the time being, he inquired cheerfully, “How are you?”

 

 

“Okay, I guess. You?” Jesse replied quietly. He sounded distant, almost cold, and Justin realized that he must have called Tyler’s place before reaching him on his cell.

 

 

“I’m fine,” Justin frowned as he heard Jesse clearing his throat.

 

 

“I tried to call you at your place, but Tyler told me you left,” Jesse revealed. _Bingo._

 

 

“Yes,” he admitted, waiting to see if Jesse was going to add anything. When it was obvious he wasn’t going to, he confirmed quietly, “I moved back to Pittsburgh.”

 

 

“So I’ve heard. Tyler didn’t seem too pleased about that…” Jesse commented dryly.

 

 

Justin could feel himself getting defensive. “Listen…”

 

 

“Why did you come back?” Jesse interrupted him from going further.

 

 

Justin took a deep breath before answering; he wasn’t going to play that game. “If you know I’ve moved back, then you must know the reason why Tyler didn’t join me.”

 

 

“I do,” Jesse retorted, obviously not pleased with Justin’s decision. _Fuck._

In the past three years, Justin and Jesse had never talked about the past; Justin, because he didn’t want to, and had lost touch with everyone except for Emmett and Daphne, and Jesse, for the exact same reason, except he didn’t have any contact with anyone anymore.

 

 

Also, they both had left Pittsburgh, but more specifically, they both had left Brian. It was an unsaid common thing between them, something they’d never discussed since they’d reconnected. Except now Justin had decided to come back, to reinsert himself into his past, and to possibly carve out a future with Brian, and Jesse didn’t seem pleased with his decision. But fuck, it was his life, and Jesse had no say in this.

 

 

“Okay, so what do you want to hear, Jesse? That I came back because of Brian? I didn’t, but it’s irrelevant, isn’t it?” Justin snapped. _Fuck_. He really didn’t want to yell at Jesse, but he shouldn’t have to justify himself, either. If Jesse had something to tell, he should just be upfront about it and stop his innuendos.

 

 

Maybe he had been right to yell, because Jesse had the good grace to sound ashamed as he responded, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I can be such an asshole sometimes.”

 

 

“Fuck, Jesse; I’m sorry, too,” Justin stated, rubbing his hand on his forehead in frustration.

 

 

“Don’t be. You have every right to live your life as you want to,” Jesse replied. Justin sensed his friend’s hesitation; surely he wasn’t going to…

 

 

“How _is_ he?” Jesse finally asked.

 

 

 _Wow_. Jesse never asked about Brian. Of course, Justin had informed him before that he had cut all ties with Pittsburgh, so he really had had no reason to; at least not until today. Yet, Justin wasn’t one hundred-percent sure Jesse was talking about his former best friend. As far as he knew, Jesse probably hadn’t talked about Brian to anyone in nearly eight years. “You mean…Brian?”

 

 

He heard Jesse’s breathing for a long moment before he responded, “Yeah…”

 

 

“He’s okay, I guess. I’ve only seen him a couple of times since I’ve returned.” Justin let the words sink in before he continued, afraid that Jesse might have hung up when he didn’t answer. “Jesse…”

 

 

“I have to go,” was the sudden response.

 

 

“Jesse, wait!” Justin felt compelled to stop him.  “I…this…” But he didn’t know what to say.

 

 

“It was good talking to you, Justin,” Jesse said, and before Justin could add anything, he hung up.

 

 

“Jesse… Jesse?” Justin cried out in disbelief before peering down at his cell as he realized their conversation was over. “Fuck!” He shouted angrily, passing his hand through his hair in frustration. What was that all about? And why had Jesse called him now?

 

 

Peeved at himself for not being more convincing on the phone, Justin made his way back to the living room, only to discover his two friends staring at him strangely. That’s when he realized that they must have overheard him as he’d yelled into the phone, and if they had, they might have heard who he was on the phone with, too.

 

 

_Shit._

 

 

“I think you have some explaining to do,” Emmett announced sternly as he patted the couch next to him. “Why don’t you come over here and sit down?”

 

 

He was fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a huge lack of motivation and/or time to write these days, so, updates might slow down. I really would like to finish this though, so I promise I will do all I can to keep going rather sooner than later! Thank you for reading my work, and especially to those who have left me feedback, it helps a lot.


	16. Healed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: December 2002 / May 2003

** **

 

_**December 2002…** _

 

Nobody had asked or commented on Brian and Justin’s relationship. In the days that had followed that night on the roof, Jesse, Michael, Emmett, Ted and Lindsay had all noticed that something had changed between the two of them, but no one dared to acknowledge it out loud.

 

The first one to take notice had been Emmett. He had come back home from his night at Ted’s, only to find Brian and Justin engrossed in a full make-out session on the couch. Justin had immediately withdrawn from Brian’s arms when he had seen his roommate standing in shock in the living room, staring at them as if he was going to hug them both within seconds, or even worse, join them and share his obvious joy about this new development. Therefore, Justin had expected for Brian to freak out, but the man had just grinned smugly and uttered a “Honeycutt; you plan to watch us going at it all night? I didn’t know you were into voyeurism, or I would have invited you into my room sooner," rejoinder before shamelessly resuming his previous exploration. Justin had been ready to stop him, but being really horny, he actually didn't want him to stop; to his relief, Emmett had just grinned back and uttered a ‘Play safe, boys!’ before scampering off towards his room.

 

After that, it had only been a matter of minutes before all the gang had heard about Justin and Brian fucking, because Justin had no doubt that Emmett had spent the rest of the night on his phone, regaling his friends with the latest – and hottest – gossip of the month. But he hadn't really had any time to dwell on it; he was too busy concentrating on the feel of Brian's lips around his cock as he began to blow him.

 

Justin was surprised that Brian didn’t seem to mind one way or another what all his friends might think of him having sex with his roommate. He had assumed that Brian would not be pleased, and would need to reaffirm that it meant absolutely nothing by going out and fucking a nameless trick, but Brian had seemed completely unconcerned. Justin wasn’t about to complain.

 

In the next couple of days, Jesse, Michael, Ted and Lindsay all stopped by the apartment, and by the looks on their faces, there was absolutely no doubt that they were aware that something was going on. Brian acted as if nothing had changed, while taking great pleasure in embarrassing Justin, murmuring dirty words in his ear or beginning a kissing session that Justin was completely unable to prevent. Brian was just too good of a kisser to resist.

 

On Monday evening, they all went to Woody’s. It was the first time Justin had agreed to a night out since he had been attacked eighteen months ago. Brian didn’t leave his side once, and Justin didn’t know what to think about that. Sure, he was grateful because he really didn’t know if he could have done this without Brian. He felt restless, yet, he was surprised to realize that he wasn’t as tense as he thought he would be. Being among his friends helped a lot, and he even felt good enough to go by himself to the counter to order some drinks. After that, he sported a stupid smile on his face for the next hour, while listening to the gang sharing jokes and watching them playing pool, whereas Brian finally relaxed enough to stop monitoring him every single second, joining the laughter filling the air.

 

Justin wasn’t fooled, though. It was not Brian’s normal behavior. Surely as soon as Brian became confident enough that he wouldn’t freak out at the first overcrowded place he encountered, he would resume his fucking. But in the meantime, Justin decided to enjoy Brian’s protective side for a little longer.

 

Shortly before everyone called it a night, Justin shared his past with the gang, revealing to them about having been bashed at his prom. It was only a matter of time before they discovered it, anyway, but in the end Justin was glad he told them. They all acted pissed on his behalf, and after an awkward moment where no one really knew what to say, Brian proposed a toast to celebrate the right of queers to enjoy the joys life had to offer, and more importantly, to fuck as many hot guys as possible. They all followed his lead, and Justin joined them, smiling.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The next day was New Year's Eve. Jesse was working at Babylon, so everyone was going to support him. That was the official excuse, anyway, because, of course, the boys just wanted to get laid.

 

When Brian asked him if he would join them, Justin wanted to say no. Going to Woody’s on a Monday night was one thing, but entering Babylon on New Year's Eve was increasing his anxiety to an entirely different level altogether.

 

“I’m going either way, whether you want to or not,” Brian informed Justin on Tuesday morning. They both were sitting at the kitchen counter, and Brian was about to leave for work. “If you want to stay home on your own, that’s your call. But don’t expect me to stay with you. New Year's Eve is about fun. Dance. Drinks. Fucking. You would be a fool to pass it up.”

 

Actually, Brian wanted Justin to overcome his fear once and for all, and he hoped that pushing him in the right direction would give him the incentive he needed to take that last step. If Justin could handle Babylon on New Year's Eve, then it was safe to say that he had finally overcome his trauma.

 

“I don’t know. I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” Justin replied, staring at Brian as he did.

 

“If you _come_ …” Brian enunciated slowly, the ghost of a smirk appearing on his face, “I promise to give you a night you will never forget," he huskily told him, leaning closer to Justin’s lips and devouring them with his eyes. Of course, Brian also had this smug notion that Justin would go because __he__ was going. It wouldn’t be the first time that a man wouldn’t be able to resist his good looks and his sex skills. And truthfully, if Justin decided not to come after this little speech, Brian would be disappointed.

 

Justin felt a shiver coursing through his body and was about to lean in to capture Brian’s lips, but the man pulled back before he could. “Later…” He promised slowly, before stepping backward and leaving the apartment.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Brian left the library by 3 p.m. He had agreed to stop by Debbie’s, because Michael wanted them to spend some time together. It was true that between his studies, his work, and Justin, he hadn’t had a lot of time to spare in the past week. So, it was safer not to deny Michael, even if he wasn’t really looking forward to his friend's inevitable inquisition about what was going on lately in his life. The rest of his friends might be smart enough not to pry into his business, but Michael had never been good at keeping his opinions to himself.

 

Once Brian joined Michael in his room and was lying besides his friend on the tiny bed like they always did whenever he came to visit, it took Michael about forty seconds before he began. “So, what are you doing with Blondie?”

 

Brian frowned, “What do you think? I’m letting him use my body to overcome this irrational fear caused by a stupid jerk who bashed him in the head when he found out he wasn't into pussy,” Brian stated curtly. In response to Michael’s doubtful stare, he felt compelled to add, “I’m putting myself out there for a good cause, Mikey. It would have been such a waste for Justin not to be able to get laid anymore.”

 

Michael barely stopped a chuckle from escaping his lips. “Only YOU could come up with such a defense.” He paused, and straightened himself, leaning on his arms, before adding with a glance at his friend, “Is he really that good of a fuck for you to jeopardize your stay at Emmett’s, though? Surely you realize that it will come and bite you in the ass sooner rather than later, right?”

 

Brian was bored already. “Not that this is any of your business, but I’m a big boy and I can save my own ass just fine without you having to interfere…” He didn’t want to discuss Justin with him. Michael had always been protective of him ever since they had met ten years ago, and Brian knew it wasn’t going to change anytime soon. In fact, he secretly hoped it wouldn’t. Michael was his main sidekick, like the brother he’d never had. Brian couldn’t imagine his life without his friend there to safeguard him, even if he really didn’t need it.

 

“Uhh…You have to admit that this is strange, even for you. Since when do you fuck a guy you know, one with whom you live, no less? And don’t tell me you’re just doing it under the false pretense that gay men have to stick together. Have you even fucked another guy this past week?” Michael inquired, leaning on one side and facing his friend.

 

“For your information, my dick met a hot, willing ass less than an hour ago,” Brian retorted playfully. He’d had an interesting encounter with one of his customers at work, and they had fucked later in the man's van.

 

“And here I was afraid that something was wrong with you," Michael quipped. “I don’t know how you do it, but seriously, Brian, I’m not sure it’s wise for you to be involved with Justin,” he insisted.

 

“Who said anything about being involved?” Brian huffed, annoyed. “He knows who I am. I’m not going to change because I happen to fuck him. But he is kind of cute and insatiable. It’s good fun, and if my skills can help him regain his belief in humanity, how can I deny him my invaluable expertise?”

 

“You’re really full of shit,” Michael replied, chuckling, as Brian raised his eyebrow at him.

 

“Leave Justin out of it; that's all I’m asking,” Brian stated firmly, letting a few seconds pass to emphasize his words before plastering a goofy smile on his face as he moved to face his friend. He decided it might be time to change the subject to something less controversial.  “How is it going at the Big Q? Still playing the little straight wannabe?”

 

Michael responded with a growl and stopped questioning him. It was in moments like these that Brian asked himself what would have happened if Jesse hadn’t come into his life, because he suspected that the crush Michael had harbored for him from the first moment they had met wouldn’t have been extinguished for a long time, if ever. Thank God he hadn’t met Justin back then, because Michael wouldn’t have let go so easily. Brian would be eternally grateful for Jesse’s appearance into both their lives.

 

With that thought in mind, he kissed Michael on the cheek and listened to him whining about Andy, his best friend's straight and idiot colleague at the Big Q.

 

 

* * *

**_**** _ **

**_**** _ **

**_**_Babylon, 11:30 P.M._ ** _ **

 

Justin was standing by the counter. His heart was beating loudly in his chest, but the panic that had been rising inside of him since he’d arrived remained silent as Brian held him from behind, his warm breath caressing his neck. Justin forced himself to exhale calmly and picked up the second drink Jesse had served him. He gulped the brown liquid in one go, relishing in the burning sensation as it made its way down his throat.

 

Emmett, Ted and Michael had disappeared somewhere, but Brian hadn’t left his side. Justin didn’t even know how he had made it. He’d thought all day about bailing on Brian, but as the day had turned into night, he had finally decided against it. As much as he was nervous about being here, he wanted to be with Brian even more. If it meant having to deal with his demons and facing a crowded dance-floor, then so be it.

 

But who was he kidding? It wasn’t just about Brian; it was about him claiming what was his, his right to live without being scared of everything and everyone around him, with the knowledge that Chris Hobbs hadn’t succeeded in stealing anything away from him, even if it took him more than a year to recover. He could make it, he knew he could. Moreover, Brian being by his side made him feel like he could face anything; and even if it was frightening that the presence of a man he didn’t know that well could reassure him so much, it was nothing compared to the invasive fear he had held for so many months that he might not find himself feeling normal ever again.

 

“Come on…let’s dance,” Brian murmured in his ear, grasping his hand softly to gently urge Justin to turn around. He knew resistance was futile as Brian gazed at him playfully before leading him to the dance floor.

 

Justin’s body melted into Brian’s arms as the two of them slowly moved with the music, their foreheads touching and their hands on each other’s hips. After a while, a smile began to grace Justin’s lips, as he felt the tension escape his body, Brian’s scent and touch being all he could focus on.

 

Brian peered intently at Justin. The young man had his eyes closed, but he could feel him relax beneath his fingers. He leaned closer and his lips lightly touched Justin’s before the young man placed his hands on his neck and kissed him. It began slow and tentative, but quickly it became much more heated.

 

They made out on the dance floor for a long time until Emmett interrupted them. It was almost midnight, and their roommate wanted them to join him at the counter so they could share this special moment with Jesse.

 

They both glared playfully at Emmett as he stated innocently, “Justin, obviously intimacy is not a problem for you anymore. And Brian, you've really surpassed yourself here. Remind me to call you for advice if I ever meet another man who's afraid to be touched,” He winked at Justin, before ordering, “Come on, you two! See if you can unglue yourselves from each other for just a while. I plan on getting lucky tonight, so if you can wait a little longer before ravishing each other out here on the dance floor, your patience will be rewarded later.  Capiche?"

 

“Fuck off,” Brian retorted, but he nonetheless gave Emmett a push toward the bar as he placed his arm around Justin’s shoulder and followed him over to join their friends.  Three minutes and twenty-four seconds later, all the men and women were shouting “Happy New Year!” while Brian and Justin were busy devouring each other - again.  Patience was so overrated.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Michael, Ted and Emmett had spent a good part of their evening at the bar, hoping for Jesse to take a break and join them. Emmett had disappeared regularly, and Michael had gone back out to the floor to dance several times; however, Ted hadn’t fared very well.  He had tried to start a conversation with several guys, but with little success.

 

Jesse was extremely busy. New Year's Eve was one of the busiest bartending nights of the year, so he didn’t have the time to speak with the boys. He was grateful that they had come, though, even if he couldn’t enjoy himself. He had a job to do.

 

Aaron was there with his friends. Upon his arrival, he had walked over to greet everyone and to order some drinks from Jesse, who served him without looking at him. Aaron had tried to grab his arm, but all he’d earned in return was a murderous glare. Jesse wasn’t in the mood to play, not after the way Aaron had disappeared on him for the past three weeks.

 

He didn’t see him again for the next couple of hours, and tried not to think about him undoubtedly fucking in the backroom while he was condemned to stay behind the counter, enduring the never-ending cruising some customers felt free to openly cast his way. Shortly after midnight, Aaron appeared in front of him, looking completely wasted as he tried to talk to him again. “Happy New Year, Jesse…”

 

Jesse responded by raising his eyebrows.

 

“Jesse…” Aaron seemed desperate for the young man to listen to him. “Talk to me…”

 

“There’s nothing to say. Your friends are waiting for you,” Jesse reminded him dismissively, turning his back on him to place the bottle of champagne he was holding in his hand into an ice-filled bucket. He could feel Aaron’s eyes on him and wasn’t surprised to discover that he was still at the bar when he returned after having delivered his order. Exasperated, he snarled, “Seriously, Aaron, just forget about me. You will be doing both of us a big favor.”

 

“I tried," Aaron confessed. He looked at Jesse intensely as he revealed quietly, “I failed.”

 

Jesse frowned. The loud music had drowned out Aaron’s confession, and yet he could have sworn Aaron looked desperate for him to _listen._ He silently pleaded for his heart to stop beating so fast under Aaron’s meaningful stare.

 

“Aaron!” Brian appeared just then, standing beside the man as he put his arm around his shoulders, “Long time, no see…” He smirked with a fake smile and a glare. Justin was there, too, looking back and forth between Aaron and Jesse, and Jesse could tell the exact moment when Justin realized that the man Brian was talking to was the same one Jesse had talked to him about.

 

“Your hand is on my shoulder…” Aaron stated icily. Unsurprisingly, he couldn’t stand Brian, and the feeling was mutual.

 

“Well, aren't YOU observant? And here I was taking you for a clueless man, unable to see what was right under your nose. How stupid of me!” Brian quipped, the sarcasm dripping from his voice.

 

“Brian…” Jesse warned. “Stop it right now.”

 

“Why? It’s not my fault your…” Brian frowned, feigning to think about a good label to describe Aaron’s relationship with Jesse, “…'whatever’ is a first-class moron," he retorted dryly, shooting daggers at Aaron.

 

The man was seething.  “I’m going to kick your ass,” he growled, positioning himself fully in front of Brian.

 

Brian snorted.  “You will never get close enough to my ass, I can assure you…”

 

“Okay, enough! Brian, come on, we’re going…” Justin intervened firmly, separating the two men by enveloping Brian in his arms and pulling him back.

 

“Listen to Justin, Brian. You’re not helping here,” Jesse stated curtly with a glare at his friend.

 

Brian huffed, leaning across the counter so Jesse could hear him clearly.  “If you want him to keep treating you like you were nothing more than a second thought, it’s up to you,” he declared with a raise of his eyebrow. He turned to face Aaron again and leaned closer to deliver a last message. “Do you really think you deserve a man like him?” He accentuated his words with a pointed stare before stepping back.

 

Jesse peered at Brian and Justin as they made their way towards the exit and shook his head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The ride in the cab was made in silence. When they finally entered the apartment, Brian shrugged off his jacket and took off his shoes and socks before heading straight to the fridge to take out two bottles of water. He turned to peer at Justin, and without saying a word he threw one in Justin’s direction. Justin grabbed it, but he kept looking at Brian the whole time, sensing his agitation but not understanding the reason why.

 

“What was that all about?” Justin finally inquired, raising his eyebrows.

 

“What?” Brian pretended not to understand.

 

“Aaron…Jesse’s boyfriend,” Justin specified, but all he earned in return was a snort.

 

“He is __not__ Jesse’s boyfriend. He’s just a pain in his ass, albeit he must be a good one if Jesse is stupid enough to keep coming back for more," Brian retorted, before taking a gulp of water.

 

“Why do you care? It’s Jesse’s choice, not yours,” Justin stated, frowning. Until now, he had never seen Brian acting so territorial with any of his friends.

 

“I don’t. As I said, Jesse is free to hook up with assholes," Brian responded with a smirk, before his expression turned serious again. “Not my fault he has poor taste.”

 

Justin snorted, putting the bottle down on the kitchen counter. Brian was so full of shit. “You don’t want Jesse to get hurt; that’s understandable…”

 

“Who the fuck is talking about that?” Brian responded much too quickly, confirming Justin’s suspicion. Even if he wanted to hide that he cared deeply about his friends, Justin knew better. “Jesse is a big boy. I truly don’t care if he thinks that life is a fairy tale where you meet someone and fall desperately in love, believing that being in love gives you some bullshit supreme superpower.” He made a face and rolled his eyes.  “What a crock of shit…”

 

Justin signed. Brian was the most sarcastic man he had ever encountered, and even if he had no illusions about his view on love or relationships, it was still hard to hear him talk so cynically, even if it was merely a way for him to hide his true feelings.

 

Brian peered at him. “I just can’t stand Aaron. It happens, you know? Or do you like every single person you meet? Because I don’t.”

 

“There are people I hate, too,” Justin retorted. Brian could be so dense sometimes.

 

“And here I thought you were the kind of man who found beauty even in the ugliest people,” Brian countered with a fake smile.

 

“Well, since I’ve been bashed in the head, some people just don’t fit in the human category,” Justin stated sternly.

 

Brian paused and had the good grace to look ashamed for a second. Sighing, he walked around the kitchen counter to come closer to Justin before briefly sliding his fingers through Justin’s hair.

 

In the meantime, Justin was lost in thought. If he had to think about a man he hated above all others, it would undeniably be Chris Hobbs. But the bashing had also revealed what he had feared for some time. Craig, his dad, this person who had seen him grow up to become a man, and who was supposed to love him no matter what, had rejected him for being gay, too. Sure, he had not used a baseball bat on him, but the words he had spewed at him when he had come to visit him at the hospital had hurt him almost as much. They had taken away Justin’s naïve belief that his parents would always love him. Maybe Brian had a point, after all.

 

“You know my father said it was __my__ fault?” Justin revealed quietly. Brian stilled next to him as he continued, “I can still remember his words, as if he had burned them into my head.  ' _Really Justin, what did you expect? You’ve flaunted yourself and your lifestyle, so it was bound to happen sooner or later. It’s amazing it didn’t happen sooner' _.__ ” Justin shook his head, the anger still overwhelming every time he thought about the man he used to adore growing up. “ _Amazing._ Really? What kind of man can say that to his son’s face, huh?”

 

Brian put his hand on Justin’s cheek and forced him to gaze up. He leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on his lips, before stated softly, “Remind me never to become a father.”  Lifting one eyebrow, he added, “Who needs them, anyway? Not me, and certainly not you. It’s his loss if he can’t see who you really are.” Brian stared at him intently, making sure that Justin heard him loud and clear. Brian really thought that __he__ was worth it, and Justin felt his heart skip a beat, realizing once more what a paradox Brian’s words and actions could appear to be. Heartless one second, he could make you feel like you were the most important man alive the next.

 

Justin’s chest tightened as he peered into Brian’s eyes. “Do you still see your Dad?” he eventually whispered quietly in response to Brian’s statement, fighting himself against claiming those lips he so wanted to taste.

 

“No. Well, yes…” Brian hesitated, pinching his lips almost shyly, as he leaned back against the counter behind him. “He's in an Institution in Pittsburgh, and has the mind of an eight-year-old...” He shrugged, but Justin didn’t miss the undeniable look of vulnerability in his eyes. “He doesn’t know who I am. I’m not even sure he knows he has a son. But Debbie, Michael and Jesse are convinced that I have to see him, so I go there and sit like a fucking lunatic in the common room once in a while."  He paused, scowling in an attempt to cover how uncomfortable it really was to talk about Jack. “He always laughs when I’m there,” Brian huffed, barely holding back a nervous laugh. “Like a stupid child, you know? He’s just sitting a few feet away from me, unaware that his son is even in the room, but he…he laughs and smiles all the time.”

 

Brian shook his head, looking away, as if to stop the image of his father from making him feel anything. Justin stared over at Brian, feeling the need to touch him, as he let his left hand travel up his arm softly. “How was he? Before…” Justin inquired bashfully, but he didn’t finish his sentence. Truthfully, he might have gone crazy asking Brian directly about his dad. Surely Brian didn’t want to talk about him. 

 

Justin peered up at Brian, and saw the hesitation in his gaze. His hazel eyes kept moving restlessly as if he were searching for an answer in Justin’s eyes. He knew that wasn't possible; but whatever he saw in them seemed to be enough as he explained, “My relationship with him was…tough. He was…” Brian tried to find a word to describe Jack Kinney back then, but he failed. He sighed deeply before resuming, “He certainly wouldn’t have ever been elected Father of the Year, ever. He never should have been one in the first place,” Brian snorted nervously, and looked away again. “And he shouldn’t be a father now, either. Good thing he doesn’t remember I even exist,” he finished, his lips pressed firmly together.

 

“Are you sure he doesn’t remember you?” Justin inquired quietly, mesmerized by this sight of Brian he had never seen before. He seemed…uncomfortable, of course, but there was also a deep feeling of sadness emanating from him right now, even if he was hiding it well.

 

Justin couldn’t help but think that if Brian never talked to his dad, how could he be so certain that his father had forgotten all about him? Maybe the doctors had told him so, but how could he be so sure if he hadn’t talked to him in five years?

 

“No.” Brian answered curtly. “But I don’t care. I don’t want anything to do with him anymore, no matter who he has become. As far as I'm concerned, Jack Kinney died five years ago, and it suits me just fine.”

 

Justin didn’t know how to answer that. He had a hard time believing what Brian was trying to sell. If he didn’t care about his father anymore, as he claimed to, why would he still visit him after all these years if not for a last-ditch hope that…what? His father was brain damaged. _Fuck._  Justin couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be for Brian. He always acted like he didn’t care, but Justin was now sure that it wasn’t true.

 

“Hey,” Brian called out to him. Justin gazed up into his eyes, and once more, he felt his heart beat faster. What was it about Brian Kinney, anyway? Brian just looked back at him for a long moment before his lips turned upward as he stated quietly, “You did it.”

 

Justin frowned, before he realized what Brian was talking about. He had been so busy worrying about Brian when they had left Babylon and lost in the conversation that had ensued that he hadn’t even taken the time to think about anything else.

 

A feeling of pure jubilation swept away all his previous thoughts. He had made it. He had gone to Babylon and had faced his fears. If he had known that Brian would have been part of his cure, he would have played nice sooner. Okay, that wasn’t true. He hated Brian at first. But now, he just wanted to jump his bones to show him how grateful he was and how good he felt.

 

He had really made it.

 

Justin felt the exact moment when its meaning fully dawned on him. He felt…elated; a surge of love for the man standing in front of him gripped him by surprise, and he couldn’t help a bright and real smile from appearing on his face. “I can’t believe it," he murmured.

 

“I can,” Brian immediately countered, responding with a meaningful gaze.

 

“I wouldn’t have done it if not for you,” Justin shared impulsively, not really sure how his confession would be received, but Brian just smiled back at him.

 

“You would have done it eventually,” Brian stated quietly. “I’m sure you would have. But…” He didn’t say more. At the moment, Brian didn’t really know what to do with the foreign, strange feelings coursing inside him. He didn’t understand them, and he wasn’t sure he liked feeling this way.

 

What he _was_ sure of, however, was that he was horny as hell. Pinching his lips, he peered at Justin intensely, his breath quickening and becoming labored when Justin began to touch him, his hands on his chest. The air filled with a sudden, yet overwhelming and palpable sexual tension, and an instant later Brian claimed Justin’s lips, almost brutally at first, before leaning back and kissing him softly. He heard Justin almost whimper, a sound that went straight to his cock. He wanted to fuck him so badly by now it hurt, literally.

 

The kiss intensified; Brian grabbed Justin by his waist and took him in his arms, Justin’s legs tangling with his own immediately, their cocks trapped between them and eliciting a groan from Brian. He shuffled towards his room with Justin still in his arms, the two of them so busy devouring each other that Brian almost lost his balance a few times. Ultimately he succeeded in leading Justin to his bed and immediately lay down on him, covering him partially while using his right hand to unbutton Justin’s jeans.

 

Justin slid his hands under Brian's shirt, pinching his nipples and making Brian even more turned on than he already was.

 

Brian rose from the bed just long enough to take off his own shirt while Justin frantically reached for his jeans and they both helped each other take their clothes off. The feel of their naked skin against each other's was so hot … Justin pushed Brian firmly on his back, draped his body on top of him, and began to sensually undulate his body against Brian’s.

 

“Justin…Stop,” Brian pleaded urgently. It was too good, too soon. Neither of them would last if they kept devouring and rubbing at each other like they were doing.

 

“No. I want you so much, Brian…” Justin whispered before beginning to lick Brian’s skin. Brian arched his back when Justin reached his nipples, his chest, and his abs. He could feel himself losing control, and he didn’t understand how Justin could make him feel like that. He knew that if he let Justin continue and begin to suck him, he would come in record time, though.

 

Using all his willpower, he reached for Justin’s shoulders in order to stop him. Justin paused and gazed up at him, a silent question in his eyes as Brian stared back at him with a deepening intensity. Now, he would take back control. He should.

 

And yet he didn't; he couldn't. He gasped when Justin resumed his ministrations, arching his back some more as he gave himself up to his cares completely, and lost himself in the passion he was feeling. Soon, his cock was sliding in and out of Justin’s lips as the young man kept him on the edge for long seconds, until Brian couldn’t control himself any longer and, with a vocal cry, shot copiously into Justin's mouth.

 

He had to catch his breath before he could form a coherent thought, much less move. When he finally did, he noticed Justin kneeling between his legs, slowly jerking off as their eyes locked on each other.  Brian’s brain court-circuited then, and it took a few moments before he jumped on Justin, pulling his hand away to fall to his side as he went down on him and returned the favor.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Later, Brian and Justin were ravishing each other - again. When Justin confided that he wanted Brian to be inside of him, Brian felt his heartbeat missing a beat. He froze and Justin feared for a second that he would refuse, but Brian finally blinked and whispered, “I did promise you a night you would never forget,” before adding with a smirk, “I’m pretty sure I won’t, either, because my cock will be forever grateful that you chose…” He didn’t have time to finish his sentence as Justin’s lips claimed his mouth once more.

 

When Brian pushed into Justin fifteen minutes later, he was lying behind him on his right side, his hand on his lover's left hip. He had never felt so intimate with another man before, but he refused to think about what it might mean. He was too busy focusing on the pleasure coursing throughout his body, instead, because Justin was now pushing back against him thrust for thrust, and from the sounds escaping his lips he was loving every single second of it.

 

Justin was flying. Brian’s cock was moving inside of him, sliding in and out more forcibly now, and every cell of his body was on fire. Sex had never felt this good before. He turned his head to the left and found Brian’s lips, their moans becoming more urgent and vocal. He pushed back, again and again, wanting to feel Brian, all of him, wanting him to claim him as he fucked him, wanting… wanting __more__.

 

Brian came inside of him, and Justin could feel Brian's warm breath tickling his shoulder when he heard him gasp as his climax hit him.

 

At that instant, Justin knew that he had fallen in love for the very first time.

 

 

 

* * *

 

**_**** _ **

**_**** _ **

_**Five months later, May 2003…** _

 

Daphne heard the knock on the door and stood up from her couch with a smile on her face.  Justin was coming to hang out with her. It had been two weeks since she had seen him, and even if Justin seemed to be quite happy with his life right now, as opposed to how he had felt just a few months ago, she really looked forward to this evening with him.

 

In the passing months, Justin had been reborn. Daphne couldn’t think of another word to describe what had happened since he had moved into his own place, and then later into Emmett’s. Not only had he overcome his fear of being around strangers, and his inability to interact with the people he met, but he also had matured.  He was actually flourishing, in fact, and enjoying life the way that a young man his age should. Daphne knew who she had to thank for that.

 

Brian had been his anchor, his reason to fight for the right to have his life back. Daphne had no doubt that Justin would have succeeded no matter what, regardless of who he had met. He was a fighter, always had been one, and hate could only cause a brief obstacle, a small ripple of hesitation, in his life. Still, it was undeniable that he wouldn’t have progressed so fast if not for his encounter with a certain arrogant but sexy roommate, even if the beginning hadn’t been easy between them.

 

When Daphne thought back to that dark time when the Justin she’d known had disappeared to become a scared shadow of his former self, she still felt an overwhelming tightening in her chest. Justin would never again be able to recapture the innocence of his younger years, or the utopian belief that people weren't controlled by their own selfishness or bigoted ignorance, even if deep down, she feared that was true, at least for many. A utopia that ceased to exist when you lost all hope that people were innately good inside, however naïve that might be. All the more reason why Daphne was even more grateful that Justin hadn’t given up and allowed his turmoil and sadness to triumph over him.

 

Ignorance hadn’t won. Not only that, but now Justin possessed an inner strength Daphne had rarely seen before in anyone.

 

Shaking her head, she finally opened the door and peered over at the subject of her thoughts standing there, a wide smile on his face and a six-pack of beer in his hand.

 

“Beer! I knew I kept you around for a reason!” Daphne quipped, as she took the pack from Justin’s hands and walked back to the kitchen to retrieve a bottle opener, while Justin entered her place and closed the door behind him.

 

“You mean other than gossiping about hot guys?” Justin teased her back as he took off his jacket.

 

A few minutes later, they were both half-sitting, half-lying on the couch with some beer and an obscenely large bag of chips. Daphne regaled him with stories that proved once more that med students were just as depraved as any other students; after she had told her wide-eyed, astonished friend about some antics she had participated in at the hospital, she decided it was Justin's turn. 

 

“So, what’s up? Still having the best sex of your life?”  She asked with a twinkle in her eye.  She loved gossip almost as much as Emmett - no one did as much as Justin’s roommate, and she was eager to hear about what was going on in her dearest friend's life.

 

“Uhh...well, yeah…” Justin responded, smiling shyly while harboring a funny expression on his face.

 

“What? Tell me!” Daphne inquired, punching him lightly on the arm as she straightened herself up. She knew that look. It could only mean that Justin had some big news to share.

 

He grinned at her, unable to contain his excitement.  “Okay! I...I went to the Baths last night,” Justin revealed. He could feel a slight blush on his face as an image of what he’d done flashed in front of his eyes.

 

“The Baths? On Liberty Avenue?” Daphne had heard Emmett talking about that place once when she had visited them a few weeks ago.

 

“Yeah…” Justin nodded with a blink.

 

Daphne's eyes grew large as saucers.  “You mean, you had sex in public? Like naked and all?” She pressed, astounded. She had a hard time believing that it had only been five months since Justin had resumed having sex again. She once more sent a silent thanks to Brian, even if he still fucked every other gay man in the State. Justin didn’t seem to mind, though. It took him a while to reveal his sex life to Daphne, but it turned out he had ended up having sex with another man, too, almost three months ago. From what he had told Daphne, Brian had joined him after the first round only. The craziest part was that the trick had been Brian’s present for Justin’s twentieth birthday. Daphne wasn’t so sure that Justin had enjoyed it as much as he was claiming, but she didn't push him. Her friend was completely in love with Brian Kinney, and it was common knowledge that the man wouldn’t change his lifestyle for anyone. In fact, from what Daphne had heard, the fact that Justin and Brian fucked on a regular basis was some kind of miracle to all Brian’s friends. So, no, she didn't share her opinion out loud.

 

Justin had also divulged to her that since then, he had enjoyed several blowjobs in the backroom of Babylon with Brian fucking a guy next to him. And now, he had even had sex at the Baths. This was crazy, but Justin had reminded her that gay men didn’t care about anything but their dicks most of the time.

 

Justin smiled as he thought about the night before.  “It was...kind of crazy. But it was really hot.”

 

 _I bet it was,_ Daphne couldn’t help but think. “Was Brian there?” She asked. Brian was almost always with Justin when he hooked up with other guys. She suspected that for Justin’s first trip to the Baths, he would be, too.

 

“He fucked a guy next to me. We kissed right before coming,” Justin confirmed, heat blooming all over his face.

 

Was she insane to think that Brian kissing Justin while they fucked like crazy was completely romantic? “Wow, Justin… It must have been scary!” Daphne really couldn’t imagine doing any of that. Justin always teased her that she was a straight fag hag, not a gay, young man thinking about sex all the time. Yet, being naked and having sex with total strangers in a dark place? She could understand the appeal.  She wasn't by any means a prude, but she could never do that. She was once more pleasantly surprised, however, to witness Justin’s evolution over the past six months. If anyone had told her then that Justin would be having sex as much as he was now, she would have thought they were insane.

 

“Not really. I mean, yes, but it was also exciting, you know?” Justin replied with a gleam in his eyes.

 

“So…where __is__ Brian tonight?” She asked curiously.

 

Justin shrugged, averting his eyes and feeling a little uncomfortable all of a sudden. “In some backroom, probably. He had some major tests a few weeks ago, and he just got the results, which were outstanding. So, he is undoubtedly celebrating the way he always does.”

 

“That’s great news!” Daphne exclaimed, before fearing Justin might misunderstand what she meant.  “I mean... It could help him get a better job after his summer internship,” she clarified.

 

Justin lifted his gaze to peer over at her and nodded, appearing more subdued than earlier.  “Yeah...It’s all he wants. He wants to get away from his menial, low-paying job, and actually have a career. He's even talked about moving out after the summer's over if he can find a better job,” Justin declared, a brief shadow appearing in his eyes.

 

Daphne frowned. “What would it mean? For you, I mean…You could always go and live with him, right?”

 

“Maybe…” Justin shrugged again, his heart lurching at the thought of him and Brian being separated from each other. “We’ll see…”

 

“Justin?” Daphne sensed that there was something else Justin wasn’t telling her.

 

Justin sighed. He had purposely avoided thinking about his own feelings regarding Brian moving out. Of course, Brian had casually thrown that in his face just this morning, announcing that now that he would be graduating soon, surely he'd be able to nail that job as an assistant executive at Ryder’s that he wanted, and when he did, he wouldn’t have to stay at Emmett’s. And that had been it; he had grabbed his jacket, kissed him quickly, and was out the apartment before Justin even had the time to blink.

 

And now, Justin didn’t know what to think.  Being upset about what Brian had said was pretty ludicrous, anyway, considering that Brian has always acted like they weren't in any kind of relationship in the first place.

 

“It’s just...I don’t really know where I stand," he admitted as Daphne peered back at him sympathetically.  "Brian is…he doesn’t even acknowledge that we are anything more than just fuck buddies. But I know we are, I can feel it…” Justin gazed up at Daphne, who nodded at him in response.  She silently agreed.  Brian could continue to deny that he had any feelings for Justin, but she could easily recognize two men that were in love when she saw it, even if Brian himself might not be aware of it.

 

Justin looked away again.   “But he's quick to point out to everyone who dares to tell him that he's involved with me that he's single. And that’s just…”

 

Justin rubbed his face with his hand before shaking his head in frustration. Daphne wanted to hold him to comfort him, while shaking some sense into him at the same time. Of course, they weren’t just fuck buddies, and she was kind of angry at Brian right now for making Justin feel that way.

 

“Never mind. I knew what I was getting into when I first met him,” Justin concluded.

 

“That’s not an excuse. He should tell you how he really feels,” Daphne maintained.

 

“He will never do that. And that’s okay, really. Most of the time, anyway…” Justin replied. He took a deep breath. “But enough talking about me. You didn’t tell me about your rendezvous with Matt. Or did you think I would forget about that?”

 

Daphne gave up for now. She had suspected that Justin wasn’t one hundred percent happy about Brian’s seeming inability to express his feelings, and his outright will to ignore Justin’s. Her friend was head over heels in love with him, though, that much was obvious.

 

Only time would tell if Justin’s love would be enough.


	17. New Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November 2014

** **

 

_**Same day, Friday afternoon, The Institute...** _

 

“You remember what we’ve talked about, Jack? About the reason why you’re here?” Dr. Collier asked gently.

 

Brian and Jack were sitting with Dr. Collier around a small table situated by the window in her office.  Brian was peering outside at the last leaves on the trees slowly swinging in the soft wind when Dr. Collier’s voice brought his attention back into the room.

 

After Jack’s revelation to Brian a month ago, Dr. Collier and Brian had engaged in several sessions with Jack in order to help him deal with his emerging memories. They’d talked about the accident, about Claire and Joan, about what used to be. Jack still had a hard time comprehending that it had been his life, that he had been married with children, and that he hadn’t spent all his life at the Institute. It wasn’t the first time that he’d heard he was living here because of an accident, but until recently it hadn’t made much sense, because he had refused to think about what it all meant. Hopefully, he was beginning to reconcile the images he was seeing in his head, now that he was ready to listen to what had really happened to him seventeen years-ago.

 

“I’m here because I had an accident and I need some help,” Jack responded simply.

 

“You do,” Dr. Collier agreed. “I also explained to you that the accident took your memories away; do you remember that part?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you know what a memory is, Jack?”

 

Jack looked at Brian for reassurance, and his son responded with a slight, encouraging nod. “It’s okay; you can answer her.”

 

“I…” _Memory._ Jack had already heard that word. In fact, it was all the doctors talked about when he was in a session, either alone or with other people. They even did exercises to ‘stimulate’ his memory, whatever that meant.

 

“A memory appears in your mind when you think of something you’ve done. It’s the remembrance of a passed event, something that happened earlier in your life,” Dr. Collier explained. “For example, do you recall the first time you saw Brian?”

 

Jack remembered it very well. It was one of the most wonderful days of his life. “Yes! He came to see me, and he told me his name was Brian! He was so beautiful and kind!” He responded with a beaming smile.

 

“See? You remember the first time you talked to your son. That’s a memory. You have lots of them, right? Like when you went with Brian to Debbie’s?”

 

Jack nodded happily. “Her home is so pretty!”

 

“I’m sure it is…” Dr. Collier smiled back at him, before straightening her body in her chair, and crossing her hands on the wooden surface of the table. “Okay, Jack. Now, I want you to listen to me.” She looked straight at him, waiting to get his attention before continuing. “You had another life before your accident. A life with Brian, his mother - your wife – and his sister.”

 

Jack nodded several times, peering over at his son furtively. “I know.”

 

“And... the man you were when you lived with them is not the man you are today. Your accident had consequences to your health, and it changed you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

 

Jack shrugged and frowned. “I’m not sure…Does it mean that it wasn’t me who did those things with Brian?”

 

“What do you mean?” Dr. Collier inquired calmly. Brian had tensed slightly by his father’s side. Talking about what used to be made him uneasy, even if he really wanted to be here to help Jack deal with that part of himself.

 

“I have memories I don’t like. I scream a lot,” Jack clarified, gazing away as if he were lost in his own mind.

 

“You mean you’re screaming at Brian?” Dr. Collier asked.

 

“No!” Jack exclaimed before shaking his head, “I mean…maybe…” It was obvious by his apparent agitation that he didn’t understand clearly this particular memory. “...but he's different.”

 

Dr. Collier volunteered, "That was quite a long time ago, Jack. Brian was a teenager when you had your accident, so he looked different in your memories…younger.”

 

“Okay. But why am I screaming? I would never scream at Brian!” Jack affirmed with conviction. Sitting near his father's side, Brian pinched his lips as he gazed away briefly.

 

“Jack...You’re not that man anymore. The man you were before the accident isn’t the man you are today. That’s why you see images in your head that you don’t understand,” Dr. Collier explained.

 

“But it was me, right?” Jack inquired nervously.

 

“Yes, it was you.” Dr. Collier nodded.

 

Jack gazed down at his joined hands on the table. He was playing with his thumbs as he focused on them for several seconds, a frown betraying his anxiety. He finally stopped moving his thumbs.  “I… I still don’t understand.”

  

“Jack…” Brian intervened. He leaned closer to his father, moving his chair to sit right next to him and face him, using a soft voice to try and ease his words. “You and I, we were not friends before the accident. We were screaming a lot at each other. We hurt each other.” He raised his eyebrows and made sure that his father looked at him, his eyes searching for his father’s gaze. “But, we’re not the same now. You’re not the same...You’re a good man," he concluded with a kind smile.

 

Brian could see that Jack was about to start crying. Since the accident, he couldn’t control his emotions like most people did. He would cry, laugh, always too much, too loudly, his inner feelings impossible to control, which exaggerated his every reaction as a result. Consequently, Brian wasn’t surprised to hear the crack in his voice as Jack pronounced his name, “Brian…”

 

“Jack, listen to me," Brian interrupted him firmly, taking his hands in his own. “This isn’t your fault; do you hear me?” Jack closed his eyes but Brian didn’t let him stay that way for long. “Look at me, Jack,” he ordered and Jack obeyed reluctantly. “This isn’t you anymore.” Brian held his gaze until his father acknowledged his words with a small nod. Brian released his hands and leaned back slightly, allowing several seconds to pass so Jack could compose himself before he spoke again.  He felt compelled to add one last thing. “You should never, ever let those images make you do things because you’re afraid.”

 

Dr. Collier intervened.  “Jack…What Brian is trying to say is, you need to accept that you were a different man before your accident, and that you did things back then that you would condemn now,” she stated, looking at Jack. “You know what’s right and wrong, correct?”

 

Jack had placed his hands on his lap and was gazing down again. He responded quietly, “I do.”

 

Brian continued, “So, focus on that. Whatever you see or hear, you need to remember one thing: you’ve changed and you don’t hurt people now.”

 

“But I hurt Mrs. Foster!” Jack exclaimed, appearing ashamed at the memory.

 

“And it won’t happen again unless you want it to.” Brian raised his eyebrows, giving a pointing stare toward his father.

 

“I don’t want to!” Jack shook his head. This particular conversation and what had happened with Mrs. Foster was making him restless. Brian could feel his agitation increasing.

 

“Jack… look at me," he ordered, but Jack refused and shook his head again. “Hey, come on…”

 

Jack still wouldn't glance at him, but he announced resolutely, “I won’t hurt anyone again. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

 

“That’s good,” Brian replied.

 

Jack sighed loudly and finally gazed at his son. “And I’m sorry, Brian. I’m so sorry I was such a bad man.” He gazed away, “A bad father. Bad father!” He slapped his own head, looking down as his breath quickened at the thought. Brian didn’t know what to say and feared that Jack would have a crisis, but eventually his father calmed down on his own.

 

“I see them. Joan and Claire...But I’m always…” He didn’t finish his sentence. Brian could feel his own chest clenching as he witnessed Jack’s inner turmoil. “They were beautiful, right?”

 

Brian took a deep breath. As much as he wanted to stay detached from these 'help Jack deal with his memories' sessions, it proved to be fucking hard. He responded simply, “They were…”

 

“I’m sad,” Jack stated honestly.

 

“I know," was all Brian could think to say.

 

“I love you…” Jack suddenly stated, gazing up to stare at his son once more. “I really do, Brian. I know I’m not a normal person, but I know what love is. Every time I see you, I have a funny feeling in my chest, right here.” He placed his hand on his own chest, and Brian’s breath caught in his throat.

 

The brunet shook his head, feeling uncomfortable as always when Jack talked about his feelings for him. “Jack…”

 

“I love you more than anything. I love Gus, too, but I love you more. Does that make me a bad person?” Jack continued, genuinely wanting to know if he was wrong to love his son more than his grandson.

 

“No... It’s okay. I’m your son, so you can love me more.” Brian bit back a laugh and smiled, a funny feeling making his way through his chest, too. He peered over at Dr. Collier, who nodded at him with a small grin of her own.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**Saturday Afternoon, Debbie’s Place...** _

__

The rain had once again started to fall. Not too strongly or not too lightly, the drops were crashing on the windshield of Brian’s car when he pulled over in front of Debbie’s place. He killed the ignition and didn’t hesitate before opening the door and sliding out of the driver's seat.

 

He knocked on the front door and waited. At the moment, he didn’t know if he should be disappointed or relieved if no one answered the door. The worst scenario would be if Carl was here alone. Not that Brian didn’t like the man, but he didn’t know how he would explain his presence to him, and he wouldn’t be able to just leave, either, not when he was the one appearing on their doorstep in the first place.

 

Still, for once, he was lucky. He saw Debbie’s face peering at him through the small curtains of her front door before hearing the lock being opened.

 

“Brian? Honey, what are you doing here? Don’t stay out there; you’re going to catch your death of cold! Come in!” She rushed him inside and Brian dutifully followed her, inwardly happy for the warm atmosphere of her house as opposed to the weather outside. He still had to squint, though, when his eyes landed on her new trinket, a porcelain multicolored bird standing proudly on her buffet with its wings deployed.

 

“Seriously, Deb? Another one? You know it’s not trendy, don’t you? Do you really want your place to look like some tacky tourist dive?” Brian quipped with a roll of his eyes.  "Aren't you afraid it might fly away?" he added.  "Well, we can only hope," he added under his breath.

 

Debbie had to fight to hide her smile; she secretly enjoyed the banter between her and her surrogate son; in fact, if Brian __didn't__ have some comment to make about her decorating style when he came to visit, she would feel disappointed.  Pasting a stern expression on her face, instead, she replied, "It's NOT tacky.  It's…unique," she informed him with her head held high.  "I had to look far and low to find that." 

 

Brian snorted.  "No doubt," he replied with a grin.  He raised his eyebrows at her. “Unique doesn’t make it valuable," he pointed out. "Maybe it’s rare for a reason, Debbie. Like, there was nobody who wanted it, so they didn’t bother making more than one piece. Just one for you.” He finished his announcement with a fake smile, earning a slight grin from Debbie in return.

 

“Well, I like it. And if you have a problem with my décor, you can stick the reason why you came here to see me in the first place up your ass.” She was the one who had her eyebrows raised this time.

 

Brian pinched his lips, stopping a smile from appearing on his own face before responding playfully, “That would be pretty fucking painful.”

 

She smacked him lightly on his shoulder as Brian rolled his lips under.  “Smart ass…How about a cup of coffee with a little strychnine to go with it, then?" she teased him as Brian snickered in response.  "Come and sit down.” Debbie urged him, giving him some time to gather his thoughts

 

Brian simply nodded before plopping down into the nearest chair. It was rare for Brian to appear on her doorstep unless he needed to talk to her about something. In fact, Debbie wasn’t sure that it had happened any more than a couple of times before.

 

“I missed you,” Brian told her unexpectedly, making Debbie stop what she was doing to give him a pointed stare. Brian chuckled in response, “No?”

 

Debbie shook her head skeptically as she around to look at him. “Not that I wouldn’t be honored to think that my pretty face was the first thing you wanted to see in the morning, but somehow I think the odds of THAT happening are about as good as you becoming a priest," she scoffed as she opened up a cabinet next to the kitchen sink to retrieve two coffee mugs.

 

“You’re selling yourself short, Deb,” Brian replied. Debbie poured some coffee into the cups and walked over to sit next to Brian as she handed one of them to him.

 

Brian nodded a thanks to her and blew on the steam of his hot beverage before carefully taking a sip.  He placed the cup down in front of him on the table before he suddenly blurted out, "I’ve been helping Jack recover his memories. And I don’t really know what the fuck I’m doing.”

 

Debbie stared at him, her own cup of coffee temporarily forgotten. She knew how hard it was for Brian to confide in anyone regarding his father. He did talk about him, though, when things became too hard for him to handle on his own. So she wasn’t surprised by his admission, either. “How is it going?”

 

Brian took another sip of his coffee before responding, “Pretty good, I guess. He actually understands more than I would have given him credit for.”

 

“That’s a good thing, right?” Debbie volunteered carefully.

 

“Well…he remembers Claire and Mom. Kind of…” Brian revealed, starting to tap on the cup with his thumb before eventually stilling his finger. “It’s just… He is so different than the man he used to be. He doesn’t comprehend that he was responsible for their deaths, and I’m not sure we should ever go there; but he remembers the yelling, and he doesn’t understand why he was so angry all the time. He said he would never hurt me. Even says that he loves me…” He huffed, his voice slightly cracking over the last couple of words.

 

“How does it makes you feel?” She asked him quietly. This situation would have been hard on anyone, but when you knew Brian as she did, as well as his story and his relationship with Jack before the accident, you could safely affirm that it was a miracle he hadn’t continued to run away from this situation like he did the first few years after it occurred. 

 

“I don’t know. He's like some fucking child, Deb, and children tend to love everyone,” Brian responded with a shrug, trying to appear matter-of-fact.  But Debbie wasn’t fooled.

 

“That’s not what I’m asking, Brian. How does it make YOU feel?” She repeated, the tone of her voice making him gaze up at her.

 

He held her stare for a few seconds before sighing and looking away. “It’s complicated…”

 

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Debbie replied immediately, causing Brian to peer over at her again. She put her hand briefly on his forearm to further capture his attention. “Brian, the fact that you’re helping him now is more telling than anything else. You want to protect yourself, but most of all, you want to protect _him_. And that's all any father could ever wish for in a son.” She raised her eyebrows to show him how serious she was about this. She paused - her eyes boring into his - before declaring, “He loves you. The fact that he has the mind of a child doesn’t make it any less _real._ ”

 

Brian averted his gaze and shook his head. “He wouldn’t if not for the accident.”

 

“Probably," she answered honestly. "But so what? It's still the truth. He loves you. And you love him, too.”

 

Brian pinched his lips. Debbie was right, of course. He could deny it – it would be easier - but he knew it was true. He loved the man who had made his life a living hell when he was younger, and he couldn’t even blame him for it.

 

Yet, letting go of his past was fucking hard, and Brian was struggling. He knew it. But was it fair to blame a man who couldn’t remember any of it, and would probably blame himself ten times harder than anyone else would if he DID remember it? Brian knew Jack would die for him. His love was pure, one of the purest types of love you could encounter in your life. The childhood kind of love. Unconditional. 

 

So, no, to hold a grudge against Jack wasn’t fair, not now, not after all these years. The more time that passed, the more Brian could feel his resentment slowly slipping away. Would it disappear completely one day, though? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

“Hey, Honey…” Debbie’s voice brought him back into the moment. “You okay?” She asked him, her eyes showing her deep concern over what he was going through.

 

“I’m good…” He responded with a small smile.

 

“You’re sure? Because if you need some help with anything, all you have to do is ask; you know that,” she declared.

 

“I know. You’ve told me that about a thousand times already…” He responded wryly.

 

“Never enough…” Debbie teased him back.

 

Brian gazed up at her with a fond gleam in his eyes. “I couldn’t agree more.” His expression became more serious then, making Debbie realize that he had more to say. “You’ve seen Justin?” He asked her out of the blue.  The change in subject was unexpected.

 

She nodded, a little surprised. “How did you know?” She inquired. She hadn’t been aware that Brian knew about their dinner at Michael and Ben’s.

 

“How do you think?” Brian replied dryly. The answer was obvious:  Michael had informed him that he had invited Justin and his mother over for dinner the other night.

 

Debbie stated, “He hasn’t changed. You’d think it was only yesterday when he'd left.” She was still amazed by Justin’s return.

 

“Yeah…” Brian agreed. “He seems… okay.” Brian shared hesitantly.

 

“You’ve seen him?” Debbie asked. They had not mentioned Brian in Justin's presence, and therefore she hadn’t been aware that they had already seen each other.

 

“A couple of times,” Brian revealed. “He wants us to…well, I don’t really know _what_ he wants. He seems to want to reconnect or something.”

 

Debbie understood what Brian wasn’t saying. He needed some advice on whether or not he should let Justin back into his life. Truthfully, these two boys had been like fire and ice when they had been younger. Debbie had believed for a time that Brian would settle down eventually, but with all they’d been through - Jesse, Lindsay, Gus - it had never happened.

 

Yet, she also had always thought that if Brian would have fallen in love and never let go, Justin would have been the one with whom he would have built his life. Was it too late now? Probably. But if there was even a tiny chance that they could make it, they should at least try. What did they have to lose after all?  “He does?”

 

“Yeah," he affirmed.  "And I was as surprised as you are," Brian retorted, misunderstanding Debbie’s question.

 

“I’m not doubting you. I mean, I always thought…” Debbie shook her head, trying to put her thoughts in order.

 

“You always thought what?” Brian pressed, curious.

 

“It doesn’t matter what I think. What’s important is what _you_ think,” Debbie affirmed.

 

Brian took a deep breath before confessing, “I’m scared, Debbie.”  

 

Debbie’s heart went out to him. “It’s normal to feel that way. But you shouldn't allow your fears to dictate your life. If you want to let him back into your life, then do it.”

 

Brian shook his head.  "It's not that simple," he maintained.  “What if we don’t understand each other anymore? What if we can’t even be friends?” He formulated out loud what was scaring him more than anything. He was afraid of discovering that all his memories of his time with Justin were just that –memories. They might never recover what they had once shared. Truthfully, it was the most plausible scenario. But the worst thing would be for Brian to fall in love with Justin all over again, only to discover that his feelings weren’t mutual.

 

The sex wasn’t a problem. After their encounter in Brian’s office a week ago, Brian harbored no doubts that it would be as spectacular as it has always been. In fact, if it had been all about sex, it would have been so much easier, but he knew that thinking that sex would be the answer was hopeless as well as nonconstructive. Justin always had been different, and Brian didn’t believe that it would ever change, whatever feelings they might have today.

 

Debbie answered his question, confirming his inner reasoning. “It’s a possibility. You both have grown up. You might want different things. You might not even feel anything for each other ever again. The question you have to ask yourself is, do you _want_ to give it a shot anyway _?”_

 

_Do you _?__ The question resonated in his head.

__

Brian already knew the answer.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_**Same Time – Michael's Comic Book Store** _

**_**** _ **

Justin gazed up at the comics displayed in the storefront window in front of him and headed toward the door. Entering, the sound of the bell resonated above him, causing him to smile as he discovered Michael’s universe. On every corner, everywhere his eyes traveled, he could see some more comic books either piled up or displayed on racks, and, of course, an entire area dedicated to Captain Astro, Michael’s favorite character.

 

Justin took a few steps further and positioned himself in the middle of the store. He could hear Michael’s voice coming from the back - probably talking on the phone – so he headed towards a nearby shelf and took out a copy of the latest issue of “ _The Avengers_ ," admiring the cover art and inside graphics for a couple of minutes.

 

“Justin, hey!” Michael’s cheerful voice made him turn around and he noticed his friend coming from the private area of his shop. Justin greeted him with a smile. Michael apologized, “Sorry for the wait. Hunter was on the phone.” The brunet smiled at him as he moved to stand behind his counter.

 

“No problem. Everything’s alright?” Justin asked, walking closer to the counter, facing Michael and leaning his hands on the hard surface.

 

“Yeah. Just my ungrateful son who needed some money, like every teenager who is convinced their parent is a cash cow,” Michael responded jokingly while placing one of his comics into a drawer.

 

Gazing up at Justin, he added, “I’m happy you're here. I have something to show you.” He took out a file from another drawer and placed it on the counter. Opening it, Justin noticed several pages with a lot of writing and a few basic, badly-executed sketches.

 

“This is my project. I’ve wanted to create my own comic book for longer than I can remember, and while I have tons of ideas, I just lack one thing…”

 

Just one look at the first page told Justin everything he needed to know. “You need an illustrator?”

 

Michael nodded.  “I can’t draw for shit. The only thing I can draw are stick figures,” Michael quipped.

 

Justin chuckled briefly. “Not even a dick?”

 

Michael gave him his best fake smile.  "Maybe…but you wouldn't recognize it!"

 

Justin laughed. “Sex sells, but you’re right. I’m not sure being able to draw someone's cock would be sufficient.”

 

Michael cleared his throat. “So... I was wondering if you’d be interested in working on it with me.”

 

Justin frowned. “You mean, drawing illustrations based on your ideas?”

 

“Mainly. And you could brainstorm with me for a gay comic book…” Michael clarified.

 

“A gay comic book? You want to aim it at the gay market?” Justin replied, surprised by Michael’s request. Although when he thought about it, it was only natural that Michael would want to write about queers.

 

“All superheroes wear tights anyway. The gay inference is already there, whether readers realize it or not," Michael declared. 

 

Justin could hear the passion in Michaels' voice.  “Good point,” Justin conceded. “Do you already have a plot in mind?”

 

Michael grinned.  "As a matter of fact, I do,” he revealed unsurprisingly, his lips turning upward.

 

Justin could see how excited his friend really was about this. So, with a nod and a smile, he asked, “Tell me all about it.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

One hour later, Justin had already transformed some of Michael’s ideas onto paper. In between customers, his friend would explain what he was envisioning, and presently while nobody else was there, they were both completely engrossed in what they were doing. Justin had to admit that he was thoroughly enjoying their co-venture so far as they bounced ideas off each other.

 

A customer entered, interrupting once more what they were working on – currently a drawing of the hero – and Michael went to greet the teenager. Justin paused, looking at the picture in front of him and smiling at the resemblance the drawing held with a certain man they both knew. He was so absorbed on what he and Michael were working on, that when his phone started ringing suddenly Justin took it out of his pocket without bothering to look at the ID.

 

“Hello?” Justin answered absently as he added a few more lines to the character he was drawing.

 

“Hey…” _His_ voice resonated in his ear and Justin frowned. It took a few seconds for his brain to fully comprehend that Brian was calling him.

 

Justin’s hand stilled. “Brian?” He asked like an idiot.

 

“It’s a good thing you still remember what my voice sounds like,” Brian drawled in amusement.  He asked, “Is this a bad time?”

 

“What?” Justin was nothing if eloquent. “No. No… No, it’s not.” If Justin repeated the word ‘no’ one more time, he was going to bang his head against the wall.

 

“So, what are you doing? You seemed focused or something…” Justin could hear Brian’s grin all over the phone.

 

“I’m with Michael. At the store,” Justin replied. That was better.

 

“I see…Did he ask you to become his sidekick yet?” Brian inquired, as if he already knew what Michael had planned to ask him. Now that he thought about it, Justin wouldn’t be surprised if Michael had asked for Brian’s permission before seeking him out. Justin was certain that without Brian’s consent, Michael wouldn’t have dared working with him. Hell, he would have probably stayed as far away as possible from him if Brian had wanted him to.

 

“How did you know?” Justin asked him. He was curious to see if Brian would admit being involved in all this.

 

“You know Michael. He always needs my advice for some reason I'm still trying to decipher,” Brian answered cryptically. “So, are you going to do it?”

 

“Maybe. We’ll see," Justin responded. Truthfully, he was tempted to accept. The project appeared to be a lot of fun, and would require spending a lot of time with Michael, which would help make up for all the time he hadn’t been there. “I still need to know what he really wants from me.”

 

“You mean, is he going to fuck you over once it’s done?” Brian replied dryly.

 

“Brian!” Justin tried not to laugh at Brian’s stupid comment, but failed.

 

“What? It’s a legitimate question. Whatever you decide, if you two work together, you need to draw up a contract,” Brian wisely pointed out. Justin had no doubt he had given the same advice to Michael.

 

“Is that why you’re calling? Or is it to make sure that we're playing nice?” Justin probed, trying to determine the real reason for his call. He really doubted Brian had called him to talk about the comic book project.

 

“Not exactly,” Brian admitted. Justin could have sworn that Brian sounded hesitant all of a sudden. Whatever he was calling for had to be a big deal, then. “I'm going to visit Gus tomorrow, and I wanted to know if you would like to come with me.”

 

Justin’s heart skipped a beat. This was not a big deal. This was a gigantic deal. “You want me to come with you to see Gus?”

 

“Isn’t that what I just said? Or do you need to make an appointment with an ENT?” Brian joked, but Justin thought he heard a hint of nervousness in his voice.

 

“I…I’d love to see Gus,” Justin finally answered, honestly dumbfounded by Brian’s request, but delighted at the same time.

 

Brian cleared his throat. “Good. Meet me at the diner at eleven thirty.”

 

“Okay…” Justin felt his lips turning upward without his consent.

 

“Later,” Brian whispered.

 

“Later, Brian.” Justin replied with a smile, before ending the call. He gazed down at the cell in his hand and sighed happily. Peering up after a moment, he noticed that Michael was staring at him. Justin’s smile faltered, and he was just about to say something when Michael announced, “So, I was thinking… The hero, I’d like to name him _Rage_ …”

 

Justin pressed his lips together and stared at Michael thoughtfully for a few more seconds than necessary before nodding, his lips turning upward once more. “Rage…I like it. In fact, I like it a lot.”

 

Michael beamed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


 


	18. Tomorrow awaits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: August 2003 / December 2003

** **

** **

 

_****August 2003, Pittsburgh…** ** _

**_**** _ **

 

The ride on the bus was made in silence.  Justin didn’t know where they were going, but conversely, he didn’t want to ask.

 

Brian had been working as an intern at Ryder’s Advertising Agency for a couple of months now. He had come home earlier today after having spent two nights in a row working like a maniac on a project his boss had asked him to complete. Justin had tried to help him as best as he could, but Brian had been mainly non-receptive, too focused and stressed out to pay attention to anything else.

 

When he returned to the apartment after his presentation, Brian hadn't said a word other than mysteriously ordering Justin to follow him. The blond had had barely enough time to grab his wallet before Brian walked out the door.

 

They were currently standing on the bus next to each other, and Justin, who often congratulated himself on his ability to be in sync with Brian’s moods, was at a loss. He didn’t know what he was doing here, what Brian was feeling, where they were going, or even why Brian wanted him by his side in the first place. The only thing he was sure of was that he was thirsty, the temperature being unusually high outside and even more unbearable in the confined space they were currently standing in.

 

The ride seemed to last forever. Brian finally moved to the front of the bus just before the last station, and Justin followed him silently. The bus came to a stop; the doors opened in front of them, and a second later they were standing on the pavement of a neighborhood Justin didn’t recognize. His best guess was that they were on the outskirts of the city.

 

Justin followed Brian when the young man began to walk, still without uttering a word. His eyes were focused on the multitude of trees rising majestically to his right. Peering furtively to the other side of the road, he noticed some majestic houses standing adjacent to each other.

 

After a seven-minute walk, they arrived in front of an impressive iron gate. Pausing to the right of the entrance, Brian pressed the intercom button, Justin gasping as he heard him announcing his presence. He knew where they were now.

 

“Brian Kinney… Jack Kinney’s son. I need to come in,” Brian declared unemotionally before clearing his throat. He still didn’t gaze at Justin.

 

Justin drew closer to Brian as he heard a tinny voice announcing that they could proceed. The sound of a buzzer, following by a clicking noise, could be heard as Justin took Brian’s hand in his own; Brian just stared off in space and didn’t acknowledge the contact at all, but he didn’t withdraw his hand, either.

****

“Brian…” Justin couldn’t help but softly call out his name as the brunet pushed the iron door open. Brian paused, his gaze down before finally looking up at him, his eyes betraying _something_ , although Justin wasn’t sure what it conveyed; he responded with a nod before following him, his fingers still entwined with Brian’s.

 

They walked past the main entrance to the side of the building, Brian pausing as his gaze swept around the beautiful, lush garden where several people – probably patients for the most part – were all sitting or standing underneath the shade of a gazebo, while others were milling around or even jogging under the sun's garish rays. Justin noticed that the area was secured and surrounded by trees, seemingly the same ones he had noticed earlier on their way here.

 

Looking over at Brian, he saw an expression he had never seen before on his lover’s face, as his hazel eyes seemed to follow something… or someone. Justin followed his gaze and his breath caught in his throat as he saw Brian’s father for the first time. He was running in circles, his arms raised, looking at the sky at some imaginary marvel.

 

Jack Kinney was nothing like the man Justin had imagined him to be; not that he had succeeded in picturing Brian’s description of his father in his head. But seeing a man in his fifties running around like some child with an aura of innocence surrounding him, while trying to reconcile this image with the truth about what this man had done to his son, was quite impossible. The man in front of him seemed so carefree; so harmless.

 

“Justin… Meet Jack.” Brian stated dryly, as he took out a cigarette and lit it. He took a long drag and then exhaled.

 

“He's not the way I imagined him to be,” Justin responded without thinking.

 

Brian chuckled sarcastically in response. “I bet he isn’t. He could almost make you believe he's a nice guy… Fortunately for you, though, you know better.”

 

As Justin gazed up at him, he noticed the hard look reappear on Brian's face. He realized that Brian would not forgive his father anytime soon, if ever. He was too consumed by this inner anger to even consider moving past it. And yet, it made Justin sad. Not because of Jack. The man had gotten what he had deserved; well, if anyone deserved this, that is. No, this was about Brian; about his ability to move on with his life. Justin wasn’t sure he would ever be able to really feel fulfilled if he didn’t let go of this rage he felt inside.

 

Justin had no doubt that Brian still had a long road ahead of him to make peace with his past, and to fully embrace his life. Every action he did, every decision he made, was in great part related to what this man had done to his family. Brian’s main goal was to succeed financially while keeping himself detached from everyone.  He hated the notion of family in the traditional sense. He vowed never to be a father, or to be a part of any basic, stable relationship. He was honest to a fault, even if it meant acting like a heartless bastard. He acted as if emotions couldn’t reach him, afraid that the display of any such feelings was the worst weakness ever.  Now, however, as Justin stared over at the childlike man oblivious to what he had done in the past, or the damage he had caused, he could finally, fully understand how Brian had turned out the way that he had, and why he clung so strongly to being alone.  

****

Even so, Justin silently vowed to prove Brian wrong. He was stubborn as well as determined; he would do all he could to make sure that Brian was ultimately happy, even if it meant confronting him about his own doubts and his own feelings. Truly, witnessing Brian struggling to move on with his life was painful. Furthermore, dealing with Brian’s booze, his tricks, and his moods wasn't easy to deal with.  Brian could be downright cruel, and Justin sometimes wondered if they really had a real chance at a lasting relationship. He was just human after all.

 

But Justin wanted to believe. He was a fighter; a very scrappy fighter. Of that he was sure Brian would agree. Moreover, Brian wanted him by his side today, and Justin knew it meant something. Something real.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They’d been standing in the shadow of the trees for ten minutes, just peering at the scene displayed in front of them, when Brian heard Justin’s voice break the silence. “You never talk to him?” he asked in a curious manner.

 

“No,” Brian responded curtly. He looked sideways at Justin, whose gaze was still focused on Jack.

 

“So you come and you just look at him from afar?” Justin asked, frowning slightly.

 

Brian shrugged. “Pretty much.”

 

Justin pinched his lips. He clearly wasn’t convinced by Brian’s attitude. “Hum…You’ve never wanted…” he started to ask, but Brian cut him off, placing his left hand on Justin’s shoulder.

 

“Look at him,” he whispered in Justin’s ear. “I can’t.”

 

Justin shook his head before turning to gaze up at Brian. “Why?”

 

Brian didn’t look away. “Because he isn’t my father anymore,” he stated simply, as his eyes bored into Justin’s. Then, he looked at his father, “You have no idea how much I’d like to go up to him and just spit in his face to tell him that he hasn’t succeeded," he replied with a sneer.

 

Justin put his hand on Brian’s forearm, calling for him softly. “Brian…”

 

Brian, however, continued as if he hadn't noticed.  “You know why I wanted you here today?” He asked suddenly. “I wanted someone by my side to listen to what I would have told him if he…” his voice trailed off without finishing his sentence, because he knew Justin would understand exactly what he meant.

 

Brian’s gaze focused on Jack, who was now sitting on a swing. “I would have told him that he was wrong. That I wasn’t meant to become a failure, like _he_ had been all his life. That I’ve made it. I’m going to be employed in one of the most prestigious advertising firms on the East Coast, and I’m going to be someone; I'll have shitloads of money. I won't be tied down to anyone. I will fuck whenever and whomever I want, and I will live my life to its fullest. I will be everything he hasn’t been, because he was too much of a selfish, dumbass, cowardly prick to be anything else.”

 

Brian snorted sarcastically and shook his head before his facial features hardened again. “But I can’t tell him that now. Jack Kinney died on the 10th of July in 1997. And this man isn’t my father anymore.”

 

Justin sighed, his distress clearly evident on his face. “He could be, if you let him…”

 

“I don’t want to,” Brian stated firmly, leaving no room for argument.

 

“So, why are you still coming to see him then?” Justin inquired. Brian rolled his eyes, annoyed that Justin never seemed to understand the concept of minding his own business. Conversely, Brian had wanted for him to come with him today, so he really couldn't blame Justin for asking that obvious question.

 

“I… They thought it was the right thing to do. For my sake…” Brian answered cryptically with a derisive huff.

 

Justin frowned, “What? Who?”

 

“Everyone. Debbie. Jesse. Michael. Emmy Lou. They practically forced me,” Brian insisted dryly.

 

Justin reacted immediately. He wasn’t fooled as he responded, “Of course."

 

“Excuse me?” Brian growled, hearing the skepticism in the other man's voice.

 

“Since when does Brian Kinney ever do something against his will? You’re so full of shit,” Justin stated with conviction.

 

“Touché…” Brian couldn’t help but respond with a slight smile over Justin’s retort. He never did cut him any slack, and that was actually one of the qualities that Brian admired the most in the young man, even if it also completely annoyed the shit out of him most of the time.

 

“You should talk to him. Someday…” Justin persevered.

 

“I told you…” Brian tried to answer, but Justin interrupted him.

 

“You will do as you want, as you always do. And I respect that, I truly do. But…maybe one day…” Justin’s voice trailed off.

 

“Maybe one day…” Brian repeated, more to shut Justin up than because he believed it would ever happen.

 

They stayed silent for a couple of minutes until Justin uttered simply, “Thank you.” He peered at Brian, who returned his soft smile with a frown. Justin understood his confusion as he explained, “Thank you for sharing this moment with me. I know how hard this is for you to be here.”

 

“I told you I needed you here to tell him that he hadn’t won,” Brian countered, but smiled back at Justin and took him in his arms.

 

“Yeah, right.” Justin apparently didn’t believe him.

 

Brian didn’t really care. He leaned and placed his forehead on Justin’s, before whispering, “By the way, I got it…” His right hand found its way into Justin’s hair. He loved caressing his hair for some reason.

 

“You got it?” Justin leaned back to look at Brian, who just grinned in response, his eyes shining with mischief. The realization of what Brian was trying to say finally dawned on Justin, and he couldn’t help a big smile from appearing on his face. “Really?”

 

“I meant it when I said earlier that I’m going to be employed at a prestigious firm. They offered me a job today…” Brian couldn’t hide the pride he felt over his accomplishment. He was beaming. “You’re looking at the future new executive assistant at Ryder Advertising.”

 

Justin took his face between his hands, gave him a kiss on his lips, and leaned back. “This is… this is fantastic! This is your dream come true!” He kissed him some more before declaring, “I never doubted you. I knew you would nail it.”

 

“Well, they realized over the last two months that I was the best investment for their future; as if there was ever any doubt about my genius to begin with. They're fucking lucky,” Brian quipped, obviously pleased with himself. “We should go out and celebrate. How about Babylon, tonight? My treat.”

 

“Whatever you want," Justin agreed, so happy at the moment for his boyfriend that he would have agreed to anything.

 

Brian’s expression turned serious again. “I just need to see someone before we go. I'll be right back,” he promised, knowing he couldn’t leave without going to see Dr. Collier. Even if he didn’t talk to his father, and he didn’t even know he existed, he still had this incomprehensible need to know what was going on with Jack; to make sure that he was okay.

 

“Sure. I will wait for you at the main entrance,” Justin acquiesced without questioning Brian further.  Brian leaned forward to place a kiss full of unexpected tenderness on his lips before pulling back and turning around to walk towards the building, leaving Justin feeling dizzy for a minute.

 

He knew Brian needed to do some things on his own, and he didn’t want to pry. The fact that Brian had wanted him by his side today was nothing short of a miracle already, and told him more than Brian could express with words.

 

This was definitely a time for celebration.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_**** _ **

**__October 2003, Woody’s…_ _ **

**__ **

 

On the last Friday night of October, Jesse, Michael and Emmett were sharing a drink at Woody’s to celebrate Jesse’s accomplishment - he had been hired as a reporter for a renowned station. Brian and Justin were expected to join them later that night, but Ted couldn’t make it as he was spending the evening with his mother.

 

“So, you’re hired?” Michael inquired.

 

Jesse responded with a huge smile on his face, raising his drink in a celebratory manner. “I am. My first assignment is in a couple of weeks.”

 

Michael and Emmett raised their drinks and they all cheered. Jesse would be mainly based in Europe for the next couple of years.

 

“We will miss you so much," Emmett lamented, his eyes filling up with unshed tears. “But I’m so happy for you! Brian is finally becoming a shark in the advertising world, you’re going to become one of the best reporters of all time, and I’m finally starting my own cooking company with Vic!” He eventually revealed proudly.

 

“So, I guess the exhibition’s opening yesterday was a big success?” Jesse inquired, delighted for his friend. Emmett loved this new challenge, and he could see him becoming a great chef in the foreseeable future.

 

“It was! I’m so excited!” Emmett clapped his hands together.

 

“And I’m still working at the Big Q and living with my mother. Everyone is moving on with his life, except me,” Michael whined. It was hard for him to witness all his friends having their wishes come true, even if he was genuinely happy for all of them.

 

Emmett chastised him gently. “Hey! Don’t be so negative! I’m sure you will find the job of your dreams sooner than you think. And I will let you know as soon as His Majesty moves out. I’m sure it won’t be long before he looks for his own place, now that he wears a suit on a daily basis.”

 

Michael frowned, peering over at his friend with a look of wonder in his eyes. “You want me to come and live with you?”

 

“Who else? I’d love for you to become my new roommate. I can’t live alone anymore. I’m ready to beg you if I need to. Please? Pretty please?” Emmett responded playfully.

 

Michael smiled. He was truly touched by Emmett’s proposal, and didn’t need to think twice about his answer. “Of course I'll live with you!”

 

“Has Brian asked Justin to live with him yet?” Jesse interrogated Emmett.

 

“Are you kidding? I asked him the other day when they were planning on moving out, and he responded with a murderous look that HE will probably move out in a couple of months if everything works out. I think he's the only one who doesn’t know that he's unable to live without Justin anymore,” Emmett whispered as if he were sharing a big secret.

 

“Let him believe in it just a little longer. He will freak out either way.” Jesse laughed, thinking about how clueless his friend could be about his own feelings sometimes.

 

“That he will,” Michael agreed.

 

Emmett decided to move the conversation along to more important matters. Gossip, really. “So, how is your love life, my darlings?” He knew for a fact that since Jesse had definitely broken up with Aaron at the beginning of the year, his friend had had a hard time moving on, even if he had tried to go out with a couple of other guys. He still had feelings for his former lover, though. As for Michael, he was still looking for his one true love to come along.

 

“Well, I’m going to be away for the most part of next year, so…” Jesse trailed off.

 

“And I’m going to be stuck here," Michael replied with a sigh.

 

“Where is your sense of adventure? Am I the only one who is able to fall in love lately?” Emmett huffed playfully in response to his friends’ defeated expressions.

 

“You’re in love every day,” Michael pointed out.

 

“With a different guy…” Jesse added.

 

“So, what? At least, my love life is exciting,” Emmett declared.

 

“You mean your sex life…” Michael specified.

 

“It’s not my fault I’m just a man,” Emmett responded, raising the back of his hand to lay it against his forehead theatrically.

 

Jesse laughed at his friend’s behavior just before his eyes landed on Justin entering Woody’s. His grin turned into a frown. Justin seemed mad at something, or maybe someone. _Brian, what have you done this time?_ Jesse couldn’t help thinking, as he plastered a smile on his face to greet his friend.

 

“Someone's in a bad mood," he observed as Justin plopped down next to him without bothering to greet any of them.

 

“Humff…” Justin merely grunted, before standing up again, “I need a drink. Hell, not just one. I need several… a bottle. Maybe two. Anyone?”

 

“Here. Sit back down. I'll go and fetch you a much-needed, relaxing beverage,” Emmett proposed soothingly, positioning his hands on Justin’s shoulders to effectively force him to sit again. Justin grunted some more, but let his friend do as he pleased. “There. Sit still.”

 

“You look pissed,” Michael stated not-so-subtly as Emmett walked away.

 

“No shit,” Justin sneered.

 

“Okay. What has he done _this_ time?”

 

“He fucked some guys,” Justin revealed. “Fuck, I need a drink.” He stood up and went to join Emmett at the counter.

 

Jesse frowned. “Since when does Brian fucking tricks piss him off so much?”

 

Michael responded with a shrug, as he took out his phone. “Not sure.”

 

“No, wait. Don’t call him until we know more.” Jesse urged his friend, placing his hand on Michael’s phone.

 

Michael frowned, but he didn’t have the time to add anything else as Emmett and Justin came back to their table with their hands full of eight shots of Beam. Michael gave Emmett a look, who just shrugged in response.

 

“So…” Emmett began as Justin gulped his first drink in one go.

 

Justin grabbed another one, but just as he was about to drink it he realized he had three pairs of eyes trained upon him. He raised his eyebrows, “What?” he asked brusquely before gulping down another shot.

 

“I think you have something to get off your chest, Sweetie,” Emmett suggested softly.

 

Justin looked at his three friends and sighed. “He fucked three guys at once. At home. In OUR bed. AGAIN.” He took another belt of the fiery liquid and made a face.

 

“Oh…” Michael trailed off.

 

“Oh? That’s the best you can come up with?” Justin told his friend incredulously.

 

“Why?” Jesse asked.

 

“Why what?” Justin asked, seemingly outraged.

 

“You know Brian. Why did he fuck some guys in your bed? Had the two of you had a fight or something?” Jesse wondered.

 

“That’s beside the point. Even if we had, I’m sick of him always needing to send me a message every time I dare ask for more consideration.” Justin drank some more Beam.

 

“You’re right. He shouldn’t treat you that way,” Michael stated calmly, causing Justin to gaze up at him as if he had grown two heads. Michael continued, “But you know he loves you.”

 

Justin rolled his eyes. As if it were that simple. “I do?” He inquired ironically.

 

“Oh, come on. Even you're not _that_ dumb,” Michael stated dryly.

 

“And that can excuse everything? _Oh, darling, I love you sooo much, so I'm sure you'll understand when I treat you like shit to counter my feelings,”_ Justin replied sarcastically.

 

“Okay. Who’s overreacting here?” Jesse was half-laughing, and that angered Justin even more.

 

“Fuck you!” He spat, swallowing his fifth drink in five minutes.

 

“Okay; stop acting like a cheating wife and listen,” Michael ordered. “You’re not going to feel any better by becoming blind drunk. What you need are some ground rules.”

 

Justin frowned, but didn’t say anything. Michael took that as his clue to continue.  “Ask him to follow some rules. No tricks at home. No second times. No names. Stuff like that.”

 

Justin seemed to consider it for a minute. Jesse took advantage of Justin’s silence to add, “Michael’s right. Brian never backs down on promises he makes. If you can get him to accept your terms, he will stick by them. See it as an education course. You know, it’s unsure how he was raised. But I’d say he's like a swan who's been raised by vultures, so he needs a teacher to learn about the real world. Namely, you," Jesse half quipped, but there was an inner truth behind his words.

 

Justin huffed. “I’m just so tired of him pushing me away as soon as he is out of his comfort zone," he finally admitted.

 

“We know you are. But he loves you, he really does,” Michael insisted. “Isn’t that worth fighting for?”

 

Justin responded with a sigh and squeezed his eyes. He finally straightened himself and stood up. “Okay, if you will excuse me, I have to go stalk my boyfriend.” He was about to move when he paused and turned around. “By the way, congratulations, Jesse. I’m genuinely thrilled for you…even if I will miss you.”

 

“I'll miss you, too,” Jesse responded with a soft smile. “And don’t worry. You’re not going to get rid of me __that__ easily.”

 

“You'd better stick to that promise,” Justin answered sincerely. The gang without Jesse wouldn’t be the same.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**__December, 2003…_ _ **

**__ **

 

It was Friday the 26th. Brian had come home after a last-minute errand he'd had to run before going to Debbie’s. They were all expected to be at her place by 6 p.m.

 

Justin had spent Christmas Eve with his mother and his sister before returning on Thursday evening. Brian had gone to Debbie’s as usual with Emmy Lou, and even if he wouldn’t have told a soul about it, he kind of missed Justin being by his side. This past year had been chaotic between them, sure, but also fulfilling and – dare he say it – much better than he would have expected it to be. Never once would he have entertained the idea that having sex with the same man over and over again could be so… exciting. But even more than that, he enjoyed Justin’s sharp mind and conviction for standing up for what he believed in.  Brian cared for him much more than he dared to admit. He could only hope that he would not fuck it up completely someday. It was already a miracle that they had lasted a whole year. And Brian wanted this…whatever it was– to last for as long as possible.

 

He had almost screwed things up for good two months ago. Justin had asked him to officially come meet his mother, arguing that after being involved with each other for almost a year now, it was the right thing to do. Brian had reacted as he always did when he found himself pushed into a corner: he had pushed back ten times harder.

 

Meeting Justin’s mother hadn't seemed like such a big deal – or really shouldn’t have been after so many months of fooling around – but Brian couldn’t handle the significance of what it represented. There was no way he would be introduced to Jennifer Taylor as Justin’s boyfriend. Just no way. Justin needed to understand that, so Brian had left him standing in the middle of the apartment with simply a definitive “no” for an answer, and had fled to the Baths when it was barely 5 p.m. He had returned a couple of hours later with three men, and had proceeded to fuck the shit out of them in his bed. Correction: THEIR bed. That night, Brian had also tried to fuck that idea out of his head, but it had been a lost cause. Truthfully, he hadn’t even been one hundred percent certain of what he was doing, because Justin had constantly been inside his head while he had fucked his tricks.

 

Justin hadn’t been there when he had arrived. Brian had refused to think about it any further, mainly for fear that his true feelings might have been revealed if he hadn't gone through with his not-so-subtle message to his lover of "fuck it," followed by a cynical, more accurate, "fuck THEM."  Fortunately, his message came through loud and clear when Justin had entered the room, since he had been engaged in a hot threesome, the fourth guy blowing the guy being fucked in the front, while Brian barely enjoyed himself as he fucked the guy in the middle.

 

And that’s when Brian had finally admitted that he didn’t want to lose whatever he had with Justin. The deeply hurt look that Justin had given him, just before storming out of the room, had completely scared the shit out of Brian. He had never seen that look in Justin’s eyes before – a mixture of hurt, but also a hint of betrayal.

 

He had dismissed the three guys without bothering to let them finish, and had waited for Justin to come home. He’d known the young man had probably headed to Woody’s to join the guys, but Justin had been so angry that Brian hadn’t dared go after him.

 

Justin had come home an hour later. Brian had been sitting on the couch, waiting for the storm to begin, but Justin had surprised him once more by simply sitting by his side and calmly announcing that while Brian was free to do as he pleased, and to fuck whomever he wanted – and so was he – Justin also needed some ground rules established for both their sakes:

 

No guys in their bed and in their home unless they both wanted it. No names or numbers exchanged. Back home no later than two a.m.

 

Brian had pinched his lips to stop them from going upwards on that one, and had immediately replied, “There are no locks on our doors…” In reaction to Justin’s murderous glare, however, he had relented, countering with, “four.” before Justin had settled the matter with a resolute, “three.”

 

Justin had gazed up at him then with a look that made Brian’s heart do something funny before he added one final caveat: “One last thing. You don’t kiss anyone on the lips but me.” He demanded expectantly, clearly signaling that the choice was Brian to make.

 

Unable to verbally express the vast relief that he was feeling, Brian had agreed to Justin's terms in the only way he knew how:  by sealing their deal with a kiss, the kind of kiss that reflected all the passion and fire he felt for this man.

 

That night, Brian had made love to Justin for the second time in a year, trying to say with his body all that he couldn’t express with his words.  He had been pretty scared to lose Justin, that much was certain.

 

Now, two months later, Brian had prepared a present for Justin, and he was hoping that the young man wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. Yet, he had promised himself that he wouldn’t freak out like he did before, so whatever Justin’s reaction was, he would just have to suck it up and deal with it. So, he took off his gloves, scarf and coat, retrieved the present from his pocket, and walked over to quietly sit down on the couch.

 

Justin entered the room a short time later, only to find Brian staring at a small box wrapped in beautiful foil paper, lying on the coffee table. He approached Brian and gazed down at him with an interrogating stare. Brian peered up at him and remarked in amusement, “You’re dying to know what it is, aren’t you?”

 

“No,” Justin lied.

 

“You’re such a terrible liar.” Brian chuckled.

 

“Shut up and tell me!” Justin countered playfully.

 

“Hey, come on! Gifts are for good little boys who know how to behave. You don’t fit that category,” Brian teased him as he grabbed Justin by the waist and pulled him down onto the couch next to him.

 

“Oh, I can be a very good little boy if you want me to be,” Justin replied saucily with a smile as he gave him his most “innocent” look. Brian’s cock hardened.

 

“Now you're talking...” Brian responded with a full kiss on Justin’s lips, before reluctantly leaning back.

 

“So, can I open it now?”  

 

“Impatient twat… you’re worse than a kid,” Brian stated as he placed the box in Justin’s hands.

 

Justin tore the wrapping paper with gusto before opening the box carefully. Inside, a single key had been placed on a small cushion.

 

“I’m moving out next week,” Brian announced unexpectedly.

 

Justin’s gaze traveled between the key and Brian, before finally returning to the box. Unsure, he inquired almost bashfully, “Is it…?”

 

“It’s a key.” Brian pinched his lips, adding an intentional pause to his announcement, “A key to my place. I thought it would be easier if I didn’t have to return home every time you planned to stop by.”

 

“Are you… are you asking me to move in with you?” Justin asked incredulously.

 

“No,” Brian immediately replied, earning a glare from Justin. “I’m not asking you anything. It’s your call where you want to be.” He saw Justin’s expression change suddenly as he realized that Brian really was full of shit.

 

Justin closed the box slowly and nodded. He briefly seemed to consider something before peering up at Brian. “So, if I happen to stop by, let’s say, every night or so, I can do as I please, as long as I’m right where I want to be…”

 

Brian snorted and shrugged, “Sure.”

 

Justin simply agreed with another nod. Brian was certain that he was trying not to appear too pleased with the news, for fear of scaring him. He tried not to smile, but he was failing miserably.

 

“Wait here,” Justin suddenly ordered before standing up and disappearing into the corridor. He came back a few seconds later with a much bigger present in his hands. He sat down again next to Brian and gave him his gift.

 

Brian lifted it carefully. He had already guessed what it could be, but he took his time as he pulled the wrapping paper away very meticulously. At last, the object was revealed to his eyes as he grasped the painting with both hands and spent close to a minute just staring at it, his expression not betraying anything.

 

“You like it?” Justin asked uncertainly; as if Brian could hate anything regarding Justin.

 

Brian kept his expressionless mask in place as he responded, “It’s a first good attempt,” but he couldn't prevent his lips from breaking out into a smile as he noticed the expression of dismay on Justin's face, clearly indicating how he really felt. 

 

“Fuck you! It’s genius!” Justin punched him lightly on the arm in relief, and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle wholeheartedly.

 

“I’m fucking a princess,” Brian proclaimed melodramatically, as Justin began to tickle him. “Stop it!” He laughed as he placed the painting on the floor.

 

“Take that back!” Justin commanded.

 

“No…” Brian succeeded in grabbing Justin’s wrists and flipping him over on the couch, his body holding Justin prisoner. His eyes darkened as he purred purposely, “I prefer to take YOU. _All_ of you…” Soon, they were engrossed in a hot make-out session, the painting quickly forgotten next to them.

 

And if Brian furtively thought about that night on the roof exactly one year earlier, it was just by pure coincidence. Or so he tried to convince himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really really love your comments and kudos. Thank you :):):)


	19. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November 2014

**_November 2014, Sunday, 11:20 AM, the Diner…_ **

 

 

 

Brian was sitting alone in a booth, his demeanor not betraying how tense and nervous he really felt. He was currently trying to read an article in the business section of the  _ Pittsburgh Gazette _ , and found himself failing to focus on the words that refused to enter his brain. He kept furtively glancing at the door, an unexpected downpour obscuring the outside street through the blurred windows of the diner.

 

At any moment now, Justin would be here, joining him for lunch before going with him to spend the afternoon with his son. Brian had called Lindsay to inform her of Justin’s presence, and she had insisted that they stay at her home to catch up, instead of going out with Gus. The brunet had wanted to say no, but had finally figured that Justin and Lindsay needed some time to reconnect with each other. Consequently, he was planning to stay at the house and play soccer with Gus in the backyard – if the weather allowed it, since it was actually raining – allowing the old friends some time alone.

 

He just couldn’t wait to see Justin’s face when he realized what was going on.

 

Inviting Justin to join him to see Gus was a big move for Brian. The truth was, he had already fantasized in the past about the three of them being involved in casual, heteronormative scenarios; that is, when he had let his mind travel to where no one could ever imagine a man like him ever going. The good side about fantasies was that they weren’t real, though, so he could imagine things he would normally never do; and Justin was always a part of it.

 

Shaking his head, he squeezed his eyes shut and checked his balls - in case they had fallen off without him noticing it - sighing in false relief before peering up at the sound of the bell. His heartbeat suddenly increased as his eyes fell upon him: Justin was standing at the entrance, wiping his feet on the welcome mat, drops of rain slowly running down his hair and his face. He was taking off his jacket, gazing down and visibly cursing under his breath.

 

As Brian’s eyes traveled along his body, he noticed that Justin’s sneakers and pants were completely soaked. The image was mesmerizing, and Brian realized that he had never had a chance of resisting Justin to begin with. He might have tried to fight against the notion of Justin reentering his life; but now, he really couldn’t remember why, and he could even admit that having Justin back, even as a friend, was better than him not being here at all.

 

Moreover, neither Brian nor Justin were ‘virgins’ regarding love anymore. The first true love in a life is so special, often unreasonable, passion overshadowing everything else. While Brian had truly loved Justin, he knew deep down that he had been destructive, too. Passion had cast reason in the flames, so to speak; and becoming older might be Brian’s worst nightmare, but it also brought a wisdom that made each moment in life – and love – even more valuable.

 

Fuck, seeing Justin made his brain become completely entangled with disturbing thoughts.

 

Composing himself, Brian merely stared at Justin with a raised eyebrow when Justin’s gaze finally swept around the diner and fell upon him. Brian was pleased when a genuine, bright smile appeared on Justin’s face as their eyes locked, just before Justin looked away. The blond walked closer to him, pinching his lips to visibly prevent himself from smiling wider before finally coming to stand near Brian.

 

Brian smirked and gazed up and down Justin’s body, his stare lingering on his soaked pants. “So…Wouldn’t you be more comfortable with your pants off?” He asked purposely in a sexy manner.

 

Justin blushed and laughed, “Always straight to the point…”

 

“I’m as gay as they come,” Brian quipped, tongue-in-cheek. “You above everyone else should remember that,” he added boldly, his lips pinched with a gleam in his eyes, causing Justin to blush even harder.

 

“I do,” Justin replied softly, a mischievous look in his eyes. Brian grinned briefly over his response. Yet, he decided not to push their innuendos further; not for the time being, anyway.

 

“Seriously, though, you should ask for a towel or something. You might freeze your ass off if you stay like that,” Brian declared before adding, frowning playfully while ogling Justin’s ass, “And that would be a  _ real _ shame.” Okay, it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t help himself.

 

Justin chuckled. Brian had always had a thing for wet men. “I’m okay. I remember how much you enjoy the sight of man in the shower,” he teased Brian as he sat down across the table, placing his wet jacket down on the booth’s seat beside him. 

 

“So you want to seduce me, huh?” Brian purred as he leaned forward, enjoying the flirting between them. It was so much better than all the tension they had experienced every time they had seen each other lately. If Brian had known it would be this easy, he would have stopped fighting earlier.

 

“Maybe…” Justin drawled, blinking coyly, his eyelashes glistening from the rain.

 

Brian raised his eyebrows in response before clearing his throat. No need for Justin to realize how turned on he was by his words. He could already feel his cock hardening in his pants as images of a naked and wet Justin flashed before his eyes. It was a good thing he had never been ashamed of sporting a boner in a public place, but he truly didn’t want it to be too obvious with Justin sitting right in front of him. It was safer to bring back the conversation to more commun matters, which didn’t involve soaked men, or sex, or… well, who was he kidding? Any conversation with Justin could be dangerous for him.

 

“So, Mr. Taylor...How are you? Has the good old Pitts treated you well since you got back?” Brian inquired with a smirk, signaling to the busboy to come and take their order with a pointed stare and a raised finger.

 

“I’m doing pretty well. I haven’t had much time to do anything else except work, though,” Justin revealed. 

 

Brian nodded just as the young busboy arrived at their table. He was a twenty-something-year-old twink, and had had a big crush on Brian ever since he had fucked him a few weeks ago. Brian snorted when the young man stammered as he asked him what he wanted for lunch, causing Justin to roll his eyes. Eight years might have passed, but some things apparently would never change.

 

“You fucked him?” Justin laughed, having already guessed why the busboy had turned ten shades of red before rushing to the kitchen after Brian had asked him why he was still standing here, twenty seconds after they had finished ordering. 

 

Brian glared playfully at Justin with his eyebrows raised, relieved that the blond was amused by his predicament. Changing the subject, he asked, “How is your mother? And your sister?” Since Justin had come back, Brian hadn’t had the chance to ask him about his family; Molly had been just a child when he had known her, but she should be in her early twenties by now.

 

“Mom is going to move here in the next couple of months. She’s still in Philly for now, but she wants to come back to be closer to my grandmother,” Justin disclosed.

 

“Your grandmother?” Brian tilted his head, not buying this sole reason for a second.

 

“Well… and me…” Justin added under Brian’s teasing stare. “And Molly - she’s in New York, working for a PR firm.”

 

“How old is the brat?” Brian asked. He had always called her that. She was Justin’s sister after all.

 

Justin eyed Brian with a smirk. “Twenty-three.” 

 

“Jesus…” Brian mumbled, making a face. “How is that possible? She was like... twelve the last time I saw her.”

 

“She was fifteen,” Justin revealed with a grin.

 

“Still…” Brian insisted, “She was an annoying brat. And now, she’s just so... _ old _ .”

 

“Twenty-three is old for you?” Justin laughed.

 

“You know what I mean…The first thing you know she’ll be announcing that she’s engaged, with a mini-brat on the way.” Brian grimaced at the thought.

 

“Actually… She is; she’s expecting twins any day now,” Justin declared solemnly, clearly enjoying Brian’s dismay. He couldn’t help a giggle from escaping his lips when he saw Brian’s eyes go wide.

 

“She is not,” Brian countered warily, not quite sure, however. At that point Justin cracked up for good, and Brian realized he was being played, “You little shit,” he growled with a chuckle, playfully sweeping Justin’s hand off the table, as the blond laughed some more. Brian loved that sound.

 

“You should have seen your face… It was priceless.” Justin replied, grinning brightly.

 

Brian pinched his lips together to stop the smile from growing wider on his face. “You will pay for that,” He uttered without thinking.

 

They stared into each other’s eyes as the air suddenly filled with a palpable, sexual tension. Moments like this one brought back memories of a time when Justin would have answered Brian with an  _ ‘I’m counting on it,’ _ or something like that, and Brian would have dragged him out of there and made good on his tantalizing threat by fucking Justin for hours. 

 

Now, Brian was amazed to realize how easy it was for him to tease Justin and fall back into their old games, even after all this time. Sure, it was an illusion, because truthfully they weren’t as comfortable with each other as they were before, knowing what had happened between them, and how painful their break-up had been. Was it wise to feel so good in Justin’s presence, then? 

 

Brian knew he should keep his guard up, and yet…there was some truth in trusting his instincts, right? He would probably act more guarded at times in the future, but right now, he was enjoying the moment and he didn’t want to think too much. So he just let the awkward moment pass and kept asking Justin questions, enjoying the bantering too much to stop or consider the ramifications.

 

During the next couple of hours, they talked about everything under the sun as just two old, dear friends would. Brian asked some more questions about Justin’s professional experience in Chicago, New York, and Europe. They even talked about Tyler, and while Brian felt a squeeze in his chest when Justin started talking about his former boyfriend, he forced himself to listen intently to Justin’s memories with the man. It resulted in another awkward moment, during which Brian’s face remained impassive while Justin’s eyes bored into his, conveying a silent yet meaningful message, his heartbeat increasing as a result.

 

Brian talked about Gus, of course, but also about Jack. He explained to Justin that he had revealed to Jack that he was his son for the first time when Gus had been six months old. 

 

When he had become a father back in February 2007, everything had changed. The first time he had held Gus in his arms and had peered down at this little, innocent being who was opening and closing his little fingers around his thumb, he had felt something completely foreign to him. Instantly falling in love for the first time in his life, he had discovered that a love that lasted forever wasn’t a myth; that it really could exist.  At that moment, he somehow knew that he would love his son, unconditionally, for the rest of his life. 

 

That revelation had completely shaken him. It had made him question everything he had always thought about being a dad. Therefore, that night, when he had come home from the hospital, he had gone to his closet and taken out a box he hadn’t opened in years. Inside were a few pictures, a watch, some letters…things that any person might typically collect as mementos. Taking out three of the old photographs hesitantly, he had stared at them for a long time; one showing his sister riding a bike in front of their house when she was about eight years old, wearing a pair of baggy shorts that were much too loose for her; another of his mother sporting a beautiful headscarf, her cold beauty so well captured in an old black-and-white portrait.

 

The last picture showed a younger Jack wearing a short-sleeved plaid shirt and brown trousers, and smiling genuinely at the camera while holding a baby in his arms. Brian had stared at the picture for several seconds, maybe even minutes. It was the only one he had kept of the two of them. Staring at the smiling face, Brian had felt the tightening in his chest, the question “why?” wanting to come out of his lips. Why had the man in this picture not loved him like a father should? Why had he chosen to poison his only son with his regrets?

 

And suddenly, it had hit him. He was no better than this man. He had rejected his son even before he was born. He had lost one of his best friends in a heartbeat, and he was guilty of irrevocably changing his life. He had pushed the only man he had ever loved away. And he hadn’t gone and talked to his brain-damaged father in nearly ten years. All in all, he had let the past control his life, and he had carelessly dismissed everyone’s feelings - including his own - during all this time.

 

The one thing his father couldn’t have anymore was a chance to change. But Brian could accept that he had been wrong. It had been too late for Jesse and Justin, but he could still try to repair his relationship with Jack, somehow. He could do what Justin had pushed him to do all along.

 

It had taken him six months to find the courage to finally push the door of Jack’s room open, but he had done it. Once he had made up his mind, and despite his own fears, Dr. Collier had reassured him that Jack would be delighted to meet with him. Michael had accompanied him on a cloudy day in October 2007, and Gus had provided him with the inner strength not to back down.

 

And now, explaining most of that to Justin - he didn’t share the part about losing him and Jesse, even less the fact that Justin had played a big part in his decision, too - Brian recalled the expression on Jack’s face the first time he had presented himself to him. He had looked so happy, so thrilled to see a stranger that claimed to be his son, and he had unexpectedly taken him in his arms before Brian could do anything to stop him. Brian had tensed immediately - his conflicted inner feelings completely out of control - but Jack had just repeated again and again, “You’re so beautiful, so beautiful!” and he had urged Brian to go with him to the commun room before proceeding to shout to every single person that would listen, “Brian is my beautiful son. He is my beautiful son!” over and over. While at the time Brian had complained for days about it, now he couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

 

Sure, it had taken many more years for Brian to finally let go of his past. He wasn’t even sure he had completely succeeded, but he knew he was getting there. And now that Justin was back, he felt more certain than ever.

 

 

* * *

 

**_Two Hours Later, 1:30 p.m..._ **

 

The rain had stopped falling an hour ago. Brian killed the ignition of his car in front of the girls’ house. He put his hands on his legs and rubbed them a few times. Justin stared at them, at Brian’s long and elegant fingers, before turning to peer outside the passenger’s window.

 

He was nervous. Although he had had a great time with Brian at the diner, he couldn’t help but feel anxious about seeing Lindsay again, and he knew she would undoubtedly be here. The last time he had seen her, she was pregnant with Brian’s child, and even if he had always defended her right to keep the baby, he also had felt betrayed by her actions. Being completely wasted on booze and drugs could only excuse so much. As far as he knew, conceiving a baby meant two adults and above all, no condom. Brian and Lindsay had always claimed to have used one, but the pregnancy indicated another story, one that Justin had tried hard to disavow, but had failed. For Justin, this betrayal had been one of the hardest things  to overcome in his relationship with Brian. 

 

As a result, he had been angry at Lindsay, big time. Hell, he had been angry at Brian, too. But even more, he had been pissed about Brian’s careless wish to force Lindsay to have an abortion. Brian had acted as if none of it was his fault, claiming that fucking his closest female friend wasn’t a big deal. So, Justin had put aside his own feelings regarding Lindsay and his lover, and had chosen to fight Brian instead and show him how wrong his reasoning was. The result? Ultimately, he had lost the man he loved.

 

Justin had known it was the right thing to do. To this day, he still believed he couldn’t have acted any differently back then. And in the end, he had won, because Gus existed. He was breathing, laughing, and full of life; he made Brian a better man.

 

If only Brian had realized it sooner, maybe then things would have turned out differently. But playing ‘what if’ wasn’t going to change the past, and Justin wanted to move on. As far as he was concerned, looking back was useless, except to remind him not to make the same mistakes again.

 

“Ready?” Brian asked softly as he put his hand on Justin’s thigh, startling him. 

 

Justin had been so lost in thought he hadn’t realized that they hadn’t moved since Brian had parked the car. Justin peered down at Brian’s hand on him and then up at Brian’s face. Brian jerked his hand back to the steering wheel, but Justin had felt the spark nonetheless.

 

Justin pinched his lips before responding, “Sure…” 

 

“Lindsay is here. She wants to see you,” Brian revealed, just as Justin was reaching for the door handle.

 

“She does?” Justin questioned with a frown. His heartbeat increased slightly as he leaned back in his seat.

 

“Of course. She was afraid to contact you directly after the way you parted, but she wants to try,” Brian answered cryptically. 

 

Justin nodded absently before simply replying, “Okay…” and opening the door.  Brian slid out from behind the driver’s seat before following him. 

 

A minute later, they were standing in the foyer. Melanie had greeted them at the door, Lindsay and Gus being in the bathroom. Apparently, Gus had spilled a glass of orange juice all over his shirt.

 

Justin had only seen Melanie a couple of times in the past - she and Lindsay had just started to see each other at the time - but she greeted him warmly. Brian shared an interesting relationship with the woman now, as opposed to eight years ago when they couldn’t stand each other, and Justin could already see what Brian must like in her. Justin remained silent during the first couple of minutes, listening to their conversation. He noticed that Melanie appeared to have the same cynicism, the same brutally honest philosophy that Brian respected. Maybe he was wrong - you really couldn’t get an accurate impression of someone so quickly - but it fit with Brian’s description of Lindsay’s partner. His former boyfriend had referred to her as “the fucking dyke that had married the mother of my son” at the diner earlier. While he had mainly criticized the woman, Justin had thought he could detect a grudging admiration for her frank attitude, too. When Justin had commented with an evil smile afterward that, “You actually like her,” Brian had asked him to “shut the fuck up,”  but he had grinned.

 

Suddenly, Gus’s voice broke through their conversation as he ran down the stairs to greet Brian. “Dad!” He exclaimed, before planting his feet in front of his father, who bent his legs to kneel at Gus’s eye level and smiled, the kind of genuine smile that makes Justin’s heart flutter. Brian slipped his fingers through Gus’s hair and his hand came to rest on his son’s cheek before he leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on the boy’s forehead.

 

“Sonny Boy,” Brian exclaimed warmly before gazing up at Justin. “I want you to meet someone.” He stood up and placed both his hands on the boy’s shoulders, effectively guiding Gus towards his former boyfriend. “This is Justin.”

 

“Hey, Gus,” Justin greeted him with a wide smile, presenting his hand for Gus to shake.

 

“Hi!” Gus smiled back, shaking Justin’s hand with an unexpectedly firm grip. “I remember you! We saw you at the movies when we went to see Dragon 2; right, Dad?”

 

Brian gazed down at his son, chuckling. “Right. Justin is going to stay with us this afternoon, okay?”

 

Gus shrugged. “Okay.”

 

“Hey, Justin,” Lindsay’s soft voice made both men turn around. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs, deciding not to interrupt Justin and Gus’s reunion.

 

“Lindsay,”  Justin returned her greeting tentatively. 

 

Nobody added anything else. Even Gus seemed to pick up on the tense atmosphere that had suddenly filled the room, because he just stood there, looking back and forth between his mother and Justin with a puzzled expression on his face. 

 

Melanie was the one who finally broke the tension somewhat, suggesting, “Gus, why don’t you go with me to the garage to get your soccer ball? Your dad can play with you outside for a little while.”

 

“Sure, Mamma!” The boy acquiesced vigorously. Justin peered at Brian, who nodded at him imperceptibly before following his son.

 

 

* * *

 

When Melanie came back into the living room, she exchanged a few words with Justin and Lindsay before heading upstairs to check on JR who was taking a nap. A moment later, Lindsay and Justin were both standing by the window, looking at the scene outside. The serious look on Gus’s face as he focused on the ball was adorable, and Brian was trying really hard not to laugh at some pretty bold moves his son was attempting to execute.  

 

“He seems to be a great child,” Justin’s voice broke the deafening silence, his eyes never leaving the little boy.

 

“He is. He’s smart and funny and sweet and… stubborn like his dad,” Lindsay agreed with a small chuckle, before concluding, “We’re very lucky.” 

 

Then, she turned to look at Justin and took a deep breath, “Justin…” She began awkwardly, obviously ready to talk about their uncomfortable parting back then, but the young man cut her off.

 

“You don’t have to do this, Lindsay,” He replied curtly. No matter how much time had passed, he was quickly realizing that he still had a hard time dealing with what Lindsay had done. While she wasn’t responsible for his and Brian’s break-up, the fact that she had slept with his boyfriend hadn’t helped the situation, either. Justin wanted to be the bigger man and to just forgive her and move on, but now that he was in the same room as she for the first time since Gus’s birth, he realized it was harder than he’d thought it would be.

 

“Do what?” Lindsay asked innocently, even if she must have already understood what Justin was talking about.

 

“I don’t know…This, acting as if we were...” He shrugged helplessly as he gestured with his hand. 

 

Lindsay supplied, “Friends?” and Justin saw a furtive flash of pain appear in her eyes. Sighing, he was about to respond when she declared softly, “I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?” Justin inquired with a frown.

 

“I don’t know… Everything?” Lindsay suggested with a shrug, a small, uncomfortable smile gracing her lips. “Justin, what we did with Brian…” She began, but Justin cut her off with an incredulous glare and a raise of his hand, his eyebrows raised.

 

Lindsay closed her eyes and sighed, before looking at him with a conciliatory expression.  “What  _ I _ did. It was shitty,” she admitted, earning a snort from Justin. 

 

She shook her head. “I swear I still don’t know how it happened, and I can’t remember most of it. I DO remember, however, that you took my side against Brian to keep my son. And while I know that what I did was wrong, I really do... if it hadn’t happened, Gus wouldn’t be here now…” Her voice trailed off, and while Justin hated to admit that she was right, he had no other choice but to agree with her: If Brian hadn’t spiralled into his famous pain management techniques after Jesse’s departure, and if Lindsay hadn’t been so clumsy in trying to help Brian  deal with his pain, Gus probably wouldn’t be here today. 

 

Justin had to huff at the thought; Fucking fate.

 

Maybe it had been destiny. Maybe, in another universe, Lindsay and Brian would have still conceived Gus in a more traditional way. In that universe, Brian wouldn’t have had to deal with a brain-damaged dad who had killed his entire family, or a friend who had accused him of destroying his life and had left him choked with guilt. Then he might have liked the idea of being a father, and would have willingly given his sperm to conceive a child without actually fucking Lindsay because of this fucking pain.

 

Justin had always believed in fate. Therefore, he couldn’t really blame Lindsay. Sure, it would never be the same between them, but he could try to forgive her. It wouldn’t be easy, but for Brian and Gus’s sake, he would do anything. That’s why he needed to be honest with her.

 

So after taking a deep breath, he eventually responded, “You’re right, Lindsay. I hated you for what you did to Brian; for what you’ve done to me... And I know things might never be the same between us...”

 

“Justin…” Lindsay tried to interrupt him, but Justin raised his hand once more to stop her from saying another word. 

 

He walked a few steps and paused in the middle of the living room. “For Brian and Gus’s sake, I’m going to try to forgive you…,” he began before turning around and facing her, needing her to fully understand how he had felt back then. He had always hidden the truth from her, choosing instead to align himself with her against Brian, “...but you have no idea how hard this has been for me,” he stated firmly, staring at Lindsay as she swallowed uncomfortably. She nodded, accepting that she had hurt one of her friends deeply with her inconsiderate behavior.

 

“I don’t know what I would have done without you. If it hadn’t been for you…” Lindsay’s eyes bored into Justin’s.

 

“...Gus might not be here,” Justin finished her thought. “Or, if you had decided to keep the baby on your own, there is a good possibility that Brian would have wanted to run away anyway.” Justin still wanted to believe that Brian would have done the right thing in the end, though. And now...all he had to do was look at his face when he was with Gus to know how much he loved him.  

 

“Lindsay,” Justin continued quietly as he came to stand in front of her. She peered at the floor, averting her eyes and causing him to gently grip her chin with his hand to force her to look at him. They stared at each other for a long moment, and Justin was deeply affected by the remorseful look in her eyes; eyes that couldn’t lie. Justin could see her sorrow, but also her hope that she would be forgiven. Impulsively, he took her in his arms and engulfed her in a hug. 

 

An instant later, he heard her sniff softly into his shoulder as he whispered in her ear, “You gave Brian a wonderful son, and for that, I will always be grateful.” He felt her hug him tighter at his words and he closed his eyes; even if things would never be the same again, he knew that they were going to be okay.

 

 

* * *

 

They joined Gus and Brian in the backyard. After a couple of minutes, Lindsay offered to make some coffee and went back inside. Brian took advantage of Lindsay’s absence to encourage his son to keep practicing kicking his ball while he walked over to Justin, who was sitting on the back porch steps.

 

“Everything all right?” Brian asked gently, his eyes never leaving his son. “Careful, Sonny Boy!” He shouted when he saw Gus slip after running too fast. Gus didn’t acknowledge his father at all, taking off at a run after a slight pause.

 

Justin nodded. “Yeah...everything’s okay,” Justin responded quietly as he peered over at Brian, whose gaze was still focused on Gus.

 

Brian nodded absently; Justin knew he wouldn’t ask what he and Lindsay had talked about. He would just trust Justin, without prying any further. It’s what he had always done.

 

They stayed like that, sitting side by side, their legs almost touching without either of them uttering a word, until Justin decided to stand up and join Gus. 

 

He walked closer to the boy and asked with a smile, “May I play with you?”

 

Gus stopped shuffling the ball between his feet before looking up at Justin curiously. His face eventually lit up like any child who had just found a new buddy to play with. “Do you know how to play?”

 

Justin huffed theatrically, before stating jokingly - speaking loudly so that Brian could hear him, too, “Of course! I taught your dad everything he knows.”

 

“What did you just say?” Brian immediately retorted with a snort as he stood up to join them on the grass. “Don’t listen to him, Gus. You’re going to decimate him.”

 

“I am?” Gus asked with all the innocence only a child could display; actually, he had no idea what ‘decimate’ meant, but it sounded pretty cool to him.  

 

Brian leaned over and whispered in his son’s ear, “Look at him, Sonny Boy… He’s scared shitless of your magic foot...” 

 

Justin was hopping from one foot to another in a comical manner, and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle, straightening himself up, “Now, it’s time for Widdle Justin to realize exactly WHO the real man is here,” he boasted loudly with a smirk and a wink to his son. Gus giggled and started to run closer to where Justin was standing, while Brian jogged over to stand guard in front of the goal. The blond feigned to trip over his own feet, so that Gus could pass him to aim and kick the ball, which disappeared between Brian’s legs. 

 

“Yeaaah!!!!” Gus shouted with delight, his arms raised in the air as he ran around in circles.  Brian’s heart clenched briefly as he recalled his father doing much the same thing at the Institution. “I’M the reaaal man!!” He exclaimed smugly just as his mother reappeared on the porch, bearing a tray full of coffee mugs and cookies, along with a hot chocolate for Gus loaded with a mountain of marshmallows, just like he loved it. 

 

Brian and Justin exchanged a look and laughed over Gus’s antics. Lindsay rolled her eyes, but couldn’t prevent a grin from appearing on her face when she saw the scene displayed in front of her, and the triumphant look on her son’s face.

 

Just then, Brian frowned as he felt his cell phone vibrating, pulling it out of the back pocket of his jeans and cursing under his breath when he discovered who the caller was. Inexplicably, Justin immediately understood who it must be, noticing how Brian’s shoulders noticeably tensed, and how Brian was leaning his head backward as he listened to the voice on his phone. He eventually leaned his head forward and pinched his nose before stating brusquely, “I’m on my way.”

 

Clapping his cell shut, Brian turned around and gazed over at Lindsay, who was still standing on the porch, the tray now forgotten as it sat on a small table nearby.  He shook his head once at her before walking to kneel in front of his son. Justin couldn’t look away as father and son hugged for a few seconds before they walked over to where Lindsay and Justin were currently standing.

 

“Sorry, Sunshine, but I’m afraid I have to go. Jack is missing,” Brian announced as he peered over at Justin, his lips pressed into a tight line.

 

“Missing? You mean, he went off on his own?” Justin inquired in shocked surprise, his heart skipping a beat at Brian’s use of his old nickname.

 

“Yeah. They fucking lost him,” Brian revealed, the tone of his voice reflecting his annoyance, but also a hint of fear. “I have to go and find him before it gets too fucking dark to see anything.”

 

“I’m coming with you,” Justin declared firmly. He looked at Brian and held his stare for several seconds, sensing that he fervently wanted to say no. But the determined look on Justin’s face quickly erased any thought of refusing his company  as Brian merely nodded in agreement. 

 

“Brian…” Lindsay interrupted softly, not sure what she was trying to say.  

 

Brian shook his head, subtly telling her he didn’t have time for more conversation.“I’ll call you later, alright?” He promised his friend.

 

Lindsay nodded back at him, placing her hand on Brian’s arm briefly after he jumped the three stairs of the porch to stand beside her. “Okay. If you need anything, just give me a call.”

 

Brian stared at her for a few seconds before leaning over and placing a chaste kiss on her cheek. “Will do.” Then turning to make sure that Justin was following him, he ordered, “Let’s go.”

 

Justin obeyed. He couldn’t help but pray silently that everything was going to be alright.

 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank my beta for being so awesome :)  
> And I want to thank every single person who has left feedbacks on this story! I'm so happy to read them and so glad you enjoy this :)


	20. Hints of Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: January 2004 / July 2005

 

 

**_January 2004 - May 2005..._ **

 

Brian and Justin had moved into their new place at the beginning of January 2004. The place was smaller than Emmett’s apartment and further away from the campus, but it was everything that Brian had ever wanted. Having the freedom to do what he wanted, when he wanted, had been a long-cherished dream of his, ever since he had been a teenager being raised by an abusive, controlling father that he loathed. He had made an all-important promise to himself back then that as soon as he could he would escape from the horrendous life that threatened to smother him. Therefore, this achievement was a dream come true, and he was secretly pleased to have Justin by his side to finally enjoy it.

 

Justin loved the apartment. It was a step back compared to Emmett’s, but it had a separate bedroom, with a small bathroom composed of a modern pedestal sink, as well as a shower large enough to accommodate the two of them. Eight hundred fifty square feet of living space in a refined design created a comfortable atmosphere, lit with natural sunlight from a couple of surprisingly large windows. They had redecorated the place before moving in, choosing to paint the walls with natural colors to replace the outdated wallpaper. The result had exceeded their expectations, and while it wasn’t Brian or Justin’s dream house yet, they didn’t care. As long as they were together, Justin claimed that it really felt like home, and Brian only occasionally complained when Justin dared to mention it.

 

The past year and a half had passed by in a blur. Brian had spent a great deal of time at work, to the point where he normally didn’t arrive back at the apartment before eight. He was completely focused on being promoted to a Junior Executive, hopeful that all his diligent efforts would eventually be rewarded accordingly.

 

His work eventually paid off: Ryder offered him the position that he had been seeking ever since he had first been hired, making Brian one of the youngest advertising geniuses the agency had ever employed.

 

During that time, Justin concentrated on his own studies. When they had moved into their new place, he had been in the process of finishing his second year at Carnegie Mellon, and had been hoping to participate in a prestigious program that was being offered to sophomores that majored in art. The one he most desired was a partnership in conjunction with the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts.

 

In June 2004, Justin finished his junior year with honors, earning outstanding grades, which garnered him the place he had been coveting; three months later - in September of that year - he began dividing his time between Carnegie Mellon and PIFA. As part of the program, he would attend several classes at the Art Institute during the next couple of years, as well as work in collaboration with some of the other PIFA students on a project the following summer.

 

Justin had decided to specialize in graphic animation, realizing his hand would not allow him to use it as a traditional artist for a full time job. Even so, he had chosen to paint on his free time, now that he had been allowed to use a studio at PIFA twice a week. Making a living as a painter with a crippled hand was just too much of a risk, one that Justin wasn’t willing to take without having a backup career under his belt. It seemed to be the right decision, because Justin soon discovered that he really liked working as a graphic designer. He didn’t know it yet, but he would never regret his decision.

 

He and Brian had had a couple of memorable fights during that time. Once, after a particularly vocal one, Justin had gone back to Emmett’s for a week, until Brian had finally showed up to drag him home and give him a fuck he would never forget, murmuring sweet words in his ear as he pounded hard inside him. Brian hadn’t said “I love you,” choosing instead to whisper words like, “my cock had missed your ass so fucking much this past week,” and groaning more loudly than Justin had ever heard him do before. But to Justin, Brian’s version of an apology had never seemed more romantic, especially since he realized Brian had broken yet another rule for Justin by coming after him. Even more telling, the brunet had acted all possessive and “boyfriendly” for a couple of weeks afterward. It hadn’t lasted, but the message had been delivered loud and clear: Brian wanted Justin by his side, where he belonged.  And Justin had relished every second of it.  

 

Michael had moved in with Emmett after Brian and Justin’s departure, finally leaving his mother’s house at twenty-five years old. Emmett had been delighted to have a new roommate, even if he did complain jokingly about “how his former roomies had deliberately abandoned him in order to fuck in peace.” The added bonus was that Michael finally had a place to get laid; as a result, his sex life flourished wonderfully, making Emmett a very happy man. Gossip regarding Michael’s love life had never been as juicy before.

 

That year, Emmett had confronted the greatest fear of his life. It all happened because Ted had been scared shitless that he might be positive after having acted carelessly with his latest conquest, and Emmett had offered to go with him to also take the test as moral support. The problem was, while Ted wound up receiving his results fairly quickly, the doctor wouldn’t provide Emmett with his right away, opting instead to leave a message on his phone on a Friday afternoon, urging him to call back as soon as possible. Because it had been too late to return his call that day, and the clinic was only open on weekdays, Emmett had wound up spending the entire weekend scared shitless, certain that he had somehow contracted the dreaded disease, since the doctor apparently needed to tell him the bad news in person.

 

It turned out that the doctor had just wanted to invite Emmett out on a date, and the young man was perfectly fine. He should have been delighted with the news and celebrated by choosing to invite the bad doctor to play _bad doctor_ for real, but the possibility of being sick had frightened him so much that he had decided to join a group of conversion zealots called ‘See the Light,” believing it was his sexuality that had endangered his life, so the only option was to become straight.

 

Every one of his friends had tried to talk some sense into him, and to show him how ludicrous it was to even think that someone as full of life and flamboyant as Emmett could change his sexuality. In a desperate attempt to convince him of his folly, Ted had succeeded in reaching his favorite porn star - Zach O’Toole, who had luckily been performing in town - and had enticed the muscular, extremely well-hung man to allow Emmett to fulfill one of his greatest fantasies and blow him. Meanwhile, Michael had done the impossible, and had managed somehow to contact Cher, no less, using all of his powers of persuasion so she would agree to leave a message for his friend on his cell phone, and dedicate her “Shoop Shoop song” to him at her next guest appearance on TV.    

 

After those two unsuccessful attempts, Brian had decided they weren’t trying hard enough, proposing to fuck his former roommate, knowing that any gay man in the universe wouldn’t be able to turn down this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity - even if he wasn’t really planning on following through with that particular promise; to his astonishment, however, Emmy Lou had actually refused his grandiose gesture, lamenting that he truly was a lost cause, and that nothing and more specifically, _no one_ could ever change his mind, even someone as irresistible as Brian.

 

It had finally been Justin who succeeded in making Emmett change his mind. Specifically, he had encouraged his friend to have sex with the woman he had been dating, and to try every ‘straight’ position imaginable with her. It had worked like a charm: Emmett had realized he was definitely not straight; he was a flaming queer...and proud to be one.

 

Brian had praised Justin’s genius for weeks afterward. After all, it was obvious that “eating a pussy was the one thing that could undoubtedly help any gay man ‘see the light’ for real.”

 

He was just surprised that he hadn’t thought of it himself.  

  


 

* * *

 

 

**_June 2005…_ **

  


Jesse had left the Pitts in November 2003, and rarely came back. His assignments took him all over Europe, and he spent weeks, even months, concentrating on doing his job and nothing else. After a brief internship in one of the agencies his boss, Peter Hardy, managed, the man had offered him his dream job: the chance to travel all over the world, and Jesse realized he had been damn lucky. Perhaps it had been a case, also, of being in the right place at the right time, but nevertheless he realized how rare it was for someone as young and inexperienced as he was to obtain such a prestigious job. So he intended to make the most of it, and show Hardy that he had made the right decision.

 

Still, as much as he loved being a reporter, Jesse soon realized that he missed his old life, his friends, his family, and all the other little things that defined what ‘home’ meant. He had not been able to come back more than once in the last eighteen months, and even then his stay had been a brief one - no more than a few days - before he had to fly back out again.

 

That’s why Jesse was thrilled when Peter granted him a couple of weeks off as a reward for yet another successful mission, giving him the chance to visit his friends and family. Thus, on a beautiful sunny Thursday in June 2005, he disembarked from the plane at Pittsburgh International Airport with a smile on his face.

 

Jesse had already decided that his next assignment after his two-week break would be his last one in Europe for the indefinite future. Although he treasured everything he had seen and learned in the past two years, he had grown weary of living out of a suitcase, and longed to go home for a while before eventually accepting a new, two-year position in Asia, one that Peter was convinced he was perfect for. The fifty-year-old man understood why Jesse needed some time at home before leaving again for such an extended period. That is the reason why Jesse would be working at the local agency in Pittsburgh beginning in September 2005 for at least six months before considering the new assignment abroad.

 

What Peter and Jesse didn’t know, however, was that Jesse’s life would irrevocably change in just a few months.  

 

He would never travel to Asia.

  
 

* * *

 

**_Friday Night, Woody’s…_ **

 

“Let’s drink to the return of the Prodigal Son!” Brian raised his drink, speaking loudly as his gaze swept over all the guests he had invited for this special event. Everyone let out a raucous cheer, and Jesse could hear various forms of “welcome back” from people he didn’t even know, making him feel especially grateful to have such wonderful friends.

 

Everybody was there. Emmett, Michael, Ted, Lindsay, Brian and Justin, Debbie and Vic; even Jacob and Andrea - his brother and sister-in-law - had come. The gang had organized a surprise for him, convincing Woody’s owner to let them use the place exclusively during the first part of the evening. Emmett had offered to take care of the catering, and Brian had personally selected the hottest men on Liberty, enticing them to come with the perspective of free, marvelous food and most of all, the best occasion to fuck that they could ever dream of.

 

“Come on, Brian! Stop it!” Jesse scolded him, slightly embarrassed as his friend goaded their guests into continuing with their boisterous salute regarding his return.

 

“What? You didn’t expect something subtle and low-key, did you? If so, you should have thought twice before becoming friends with a spectacular cook and an advertising genius,” Brian quipped as he put his arm around Jesse’s shoulders and leaned his head against his. He eventually placed a soft kiss on his cheek as he led him toward the counter, raising two fingers at the bartender to order a couple of shots of Beam.

 

Jesse grinned, pinching his lips together almost shyly before gazing up at Brian. “Thank you,” he simply said, but his eyes shone with unshed tears. He was truly touched by this surprise.

 

“Don’t thank me just yet,” Brian replied playfully as he pushed a glass of Beam towards Jesse. “The night isn’t over. You never know what’s going to happen.”

 

Jesse snorted. “Don’t tell me you have any more grandiose plans for tonight.” Brian shrugged innocently, causing Jesse to elbow him with a pointed stare.  

 

A grin finally appeared on Brian’s face as he revealed, “Well, Babylon is waiting for us. It’s _Balls Night_ tonight.”

 

“ _Balls_ _Night_?” Jesse laughed out loud. “Oh, well, in that case, I have to go; who could resist when balls are involved?”

 

Brian chuckled. “I always knew you were my friend for a reason. I love how your mind works.” He gulped the rest of his drink down before peering over at a man who had just grazed his arm as he had walked past him, clearly indicating with his eyes and an imperceptible nod that he wanted Brian. The brunet smirked. “Well...if you’ll excuse me, I think I can do some in-depth research for _Balls Night_ right now,” he remarked smugly, enunciating the words ‘ _in-depth_ ’ very slowly, and earning a roll of the eyes from Jesse as a result. He left his friend alone at the bar and followed the trick into the restroom.

 

Jesse stared at Brian’s retreating back before eventually turning around to look in the direction of his friends, who were all sitting together next to the pool table. His gaze immediately fell upon Justin, whose eyes were still focused on where Brian had just disappeared.

 

Jesse sighed. As much as Brian had opened up since he had first started his relationship with Justin, it seemed that some things always remained the same.

  
 

* * *

 

**_Later, Babylon…_ **

 

Actually, some things changed. And some didn’t.

 

It was almost funny to observe how the men danced and interacted with each other after having been gone for more than a year. The many, almost imperceptible changes Jesse noticed brought an unwanted yet uncontrollable tightening in his chest, because he hadn’t been there to witness them; to be a part of them.

 

For example, he had never seen Michael acting so relaxed and open to the flirting that inevitably occurred at Babylon. His friend seemed carefree as he swayed with a random guy under the flashing strobe lights; Ted and Emmett were dancing a few feet away, smiling brightly at each other; the sight of his three joyful friends threatened to overwhelm Jesse with a myriad of emotions.

 

Conversely, some things hadn’t changed. His gaze traveled over to Brian and Justin, who were dancing and kissing as if they were the only two men in the club.  Someone might think that they were perfection because of that sparking light that emanated from them: true love, or whatever people wanted to call it. Everybody could see it, envy it, and hope that one day they would find their own. And yet, Jesse knew things weren’t as perfect as they appeared to be.

 

He had seen Justin’s look earlier at Woody’s, and even if he wanted to deny it, he knew what it meant; he had been in the same situation before, asking himself why he wasn’t enough, while being completely head-over-heels in love with his boyfriend. He just hoped that it wouldn’t break his friends apart ultimately, like it had ended his and Aaron’s relationship.

 

The truth was, he had never been able to forget Aaron. As much as he had wanted to just stop feeling anything and move on, he still inexplicably loved him, even after two years without any contact with him. _Fucking true love_. It really could enlighten your life, but how were you supposed to keep going without it? Jesse was still trying to figure it out, preferring not to think about it most of the time.

 

“You look like a man who hasn’t drunk enough, or who is in desperate need of a good fuck,” he heard Brian comment dryly as he appeared by his side with two shots in his hands.

 

“Where’s Justin?” Jesse inquired with a frown, surprised to realize that he had completely zoned out for a moment.

 

Brian shrugged, seemingly nonchalant. “How do I know? I’m not his keeper,” he replied, seemingly annoyed.

 

Jesse snorted sarcastically in response.

 

Brian frowned in disapproval. “What’s wrong with you?”

 

“Why are you still doing this?” Jesse suddenly asked Brian, who shook his head and raised his eyebrows, not understanding what his friend was insinuating. In front of Brian’s clueless expression, Jesse clarified, “Why do you still feel the need to fuck random guys in front of Justin? You know he doesn’t like it.”

 

Brian peered down at his drink before retorting curtly, “What I do or don’t do is my fucking business. Not yours. Not Justin’s.” He looked up at Jesse with a fake smile.

 

“You’re wrong.” Jesse disagreed. “This is hurting him. And don’t you dare try to tell me that you don’t care. I know you love him.”

 

Brian didn’t respond, but simply looked away.

 

Jesse sighed when he understood that his friend wasn’t going to give him an answer, choosing instead to gaze down at his glass as if its content was fascinating. “Just be careful. Justin loves you, too, but sometimes love isn’t enough. It wasn’t for me,” he pointed out, the pain still surprisingly raw even after so long.

 

Brian snorted cynically. He obviously didn’t like where this conversation was heading. “Maybe it should have been. Because then you wouldn’t be such a boring, condescending fool, trying to convince me that demonstrations of love are the answer to all the problems in this world.” Brian snarled, “That’s utter bullshit.”

 

“It’s not,” Jesse countered angrily. “And you know what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t have given up on Aaron so easily. But you will never make me believe that it’s okay to make your partner feel like crap. That is a shitty thing to do, Brian. And being scared of what you feel doesn’t excuse everything, either.”

 

Brian closed his eyes, exhaling deeply, and Jesse realized that he might have struck a nerve. He waited for his friend to come back at him with a hurtful response, but Brian just leaned his hands momentarily on the counter before turning to walk away without uttering another word.

 

Jesse watched as Brian retreated toward the exit door, asking himself if he had gone too far with his warning. He also cursed himself for having obviously pushed Brian too hard, when he should have been enjoying his friend’s presence during the short time he was here, instead, rather than feeling the need to intervene in his life.

 

Brian must have warned Justin with a text that he was leaving, however, because the blond soon bid his goodbyes, too. Jesse spent another hour at Babylon, trying to enjoy himself with Michael and Emmett who, fortunately, hadn’t noticed their confrontation. Then, he returned to the guest house by his brother’s place, his falling out with Brian weighing heavily on his mind.

 

The next day, he received a text from Brian, informing him that the gang was going to Woody’s for a night out. Jesse joined them, and he and Brian didn’t talk about their heated discussion at all, preferring instead to act as if nothing had ever happened. Jesse didn’t really know how to feel about that, but he decided that he couldn’t waste the precious time he had left in town, fighting with his best friend. So, he eventually pulled Brian into a silent hug when the occasion presented itself, hoping that Brian would understand that he was sorry. Brian hugged him back, whispering softly in his ear, “I know,” letting Jesse know that they were alright.

 

On Sunday, Aaron came to Jacob’s house to find Jesse. He’d heard about his return through one of his friends who had been invited to Woody’s last Friday, and had decided to take a chance by stopping by unexpectedly at Jesse’s former place, hoping to spend some time with his former trick/fuck buddy/lover... or whatever term that had defined them back then.

 

When Jesse discovered Aaron standing on the porch of the guest house he was staying in, his heart missed a beat. Aaron was even more beautiful than he had remembered. He briefly thought that fate was playing a trick on him, or trying to send him some sort of message. Thus, when Aaron asked him out - using  the word ‘date,’ no less - and promised that nothing would happen between them if Jesse didn’t want it to, the man was astounded, but he couldn’t prevent a real laugh from escaping his lips.

 

Indeed, fate WAS laughing at him. Not only would Jesse not go to Asia, but Aaron would also share his life soon, although not for the reasons one might think.

  
 

* * *

 

 

**_July 2005…_ **

 

Brian had replayed his conversation with Jesse a million times in his mind. He didn’t agree with his friend, obviously, but he couldn’t help this tiny little voice in his head from sneering at him, insinuating the cold truth that what he had to offer would never be enough, and that he would ultimately lose Justin.

 

It wasn’t even a question of ‘if’ it would happen, but truly a question of ‘when.’ Brian held no illusions. Justin deserved a better lover than him: someone who would give him everything he had ever dreamed of and who would tell him how much he cared; certainly not a slut like himself who needed to fuck at least five different guys a week, and who refused to express aloud those stupid declarations of love. Although, Brian knew that men also cheated and lied with their sweet promises and empty words. At least, he would never lie about who he was and what he had to offer; not to Justin, or anyone else. But unfortunately, being honest would never erase the fact that Justin wanted - and deserved - more than he would ever give him.

 

When Justin first talked to him about Spencer - this PIFA student with whom he was working on a summer project for school - Brian almost didn’t pay attention. He was too busy working on a campaign that a moron had completely screwed up, forcing him to start all over again in order not to lose his client. Yet, he should have noticed the signs. But he didn’t.

 

Justin always complained that Brian went out almost every night, even when he had to work the following morning, while the blond preferred to stay home half of the time. Yet, even if Brian would never tell Justin, he secretly enjoyed the happy expression on Justin’s face when he decided to stay in. Brian would even let himself relax, half-sitting, half-lying on the couch with his feet on the coffee table as his hand slowly ruffled his lover’s hair, while Justin would put his head on his chest and caress his torso softly. They’d watch the kind of crappy movie that Justin loved so much, and all in all, Brian would just feel content; and happy.

 

So, at the end of July, he had returned home earlier than expected, hoping to surprise Justin with a quiet evening at home. But whatever plan he had to stay in that day had been dashed as soon as he entered the apartment - seemingly too quietly - and saw _them_ together.

 

Justin was sitting on the floor in the living room, with his right leg bent. He was peering at some sketches scattered in front of him and speaking quietly. Brian could only see his back and didn’t hear what he was talking about, but he could, however, see the other guy sitting next to him; too close, his hand on the floor just besides Justin’s ass.

 

Brian couldn’t have explained to anybody why he felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. The image of his boyfriend with this stranger - a redhaired man who appeared to have an athletic built - felt wrong somehow, too intimate to be innocent.

 

Of course, that’s when the guy chose to raise his hand to tuck a lock of Justin’s hair that had fallen from his forehead back behind his ear. Justin raised his head to peer at the guy, and time seemed to stand still.

 

Nothing happened. The guy didn’t lean in to kiss Justin. Justin didn’t lean back, either, though. Most of all, Brian hated the look of longing he thought he could see in this intruder’s eyes.

 

And how beautiful they looked together.

 

Brian decided to make his presence known then, choosing deliberately to shut the front door that had stayed open with just enough force that his appearance would be instantly detected.

 

Both men jumped at the sound; Justin stood up immediately, turning around to look at Brian. A real smile appeared on his face when he saw his lover, even though Brian was unable to smile back at him. He just glared at the other guy without saying a word.

 

Justin’s smile faltered as he sensed that something was wrong, but he decided to ignore the elephant in the room for now. “Brian, this is Spencer; We’re working together on a film-making project for the exchange program at PIFA, remember?” He reminded him as Spencer stood up, too.

 

“Is that what you’re calling it these days? A film-making project?” Brian retorted sarcastically as he shrugged off his jacket and placed it hastily on a kitchen chair. He was pissed. Did Justin really think that he was a complete fool? And why the hell did he give a fuck anyway? Justin was free to do as he pleased, to fuck whomever he wanted, or even to leave him for someone else if it came to it. Yet, Brian couldn’t stop this feeling he loathed from invading him. He’d never been jealous before meeting Justin. He had no right to be jealous. No right.

 

Fuck.

 

Justin, however, immediately understood the meaning behind Brian’s comment.  “Brian…” He reprimanded him firmly, not liking when Brian acted like a dick. Spencer was just a friend, nothing more. When would Brian finally believe that he was worth it, and that he wasn’t going to run away with the first decent guy that he met? Nothing infuriated him more than Brian’s insecurities. But he was also tired of dealing with it on a daily basis. When would Brian finally have faith in him? In _them_? Would he ever?

 

“It’s okay, Justin. I would be jealous, too.” Spencer intervened, and Justin briefly wondered why he felt like his friend seemed more eager to create trouble than to downplay this tense situation. He really didn’t need it at the moment, even though he silently wished that Brian would trust him first and foremost, and not freak out just because he was misinterpreting what he thought he had observed. He should have more confidence in him than that.  

 

Truthfully, Spencer was an enigma. Justin knew that he was interested in him. The man wasn’t obvious about it per se, but his gaze, his touch, even the way he talked sometimes told Justin everything he needed to know. Yet, he didn’t need any more complications in his life; he could fuck him - or he might have at some point - but now it was out of the question with Brian freaking out; moreover, something had stopped him from acting on his impulses until now, something that had nothing to do with the fact that they had to work together during the entire summer.

 

Besides, right now he had more urgent matters to take care of, because if looks could kill, Brian would have murdered Spencer by now.

 

Sure enough, the brunet reacted defensively to Spencer’s statement. “What the fuck is he babbling about?” He snarled, opting to openly deny any sense of jealousy he might be feeling - which was really stupid, considering he was acting exactly like a jealous boyfriend would act.  He refused to even look at the guy.

 

Justin decided to stop this conversation from deteriorating any further. “Okay; Spencer, I’m sorry, but I think we need to call it a night. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” He told the redhead, the tone of his voice not giving him any other choice.

 

“Sure. Whatever you want. Just give me a call,” Spencer answered, before addressing Brian one last time. “I’d love to say it was nice meeting you, but under the circumstances, I think that might be dangerous, so...” He walked closer and gave Brian an amused stare, making sure that Justin couldn’t see him, before he peered over at Justin to add, “I’ll leave the two of you alone and just go.”

 

“You do that,” Brian retorted as he glared at him. There was something about this guy that he didn’t like at all.

 

“Brian! Cut it out!” Justin was exasperated by now. Brian could be so infuriating sometimes. Seriously, he had no right to act like a jealous wife just because he was spending some time with another guy. Brian fucked at least three times as many men than him, so how could he act like such an asshole anyway?

 

“Charming…” Spencer huffed, before turning to look over at Justin. “See you tomorrow, Justin,” he concluded, earning a brief nod from his schoolmate before walking out the door, leaving the two lovers alone.

 

Not for long. Brian fled to their room as soon as the door closed, and came back shortly afterward, dressed to go out. Justin just stared at him incredulously, the anger and dismay he felt over Brian’s decision to run away clearly written all over his face.

 

Brian didn’t say a word. He stood there, immobile, in the middle of the living room. And an instant later, he was gone.

 

Five minutes later, Justin hurled a full glass of Beam against the wall.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Anne who had helped me with the name of Justin's new "friend".  
> And of course, I also want to thank my fabulous beta, without whom I wouldn't be able to post.  
> Thank you for reading!


	21. Searching for Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might take a break from updating this story. Might. Still not sure. But I have RL life issues again. There are truly a b***.
> 
> Furthermore, I have lost some of the joy I felt when I updated in the past. I still love writing this, though. So I will keep writing, I just can't promise if updates will be regular or not.
> 
> For those who would like to still read it regularly, you can send me a message and I promise I will try to work something out.
> 
> Sorry guys, I know this is not a cool thing to do but I need to do this for myself.
> 
> And of course, I can't finish this note without thanking those who have left a regular feedback of encouragement until now, you're so wonderful. I probably wouldn't have kept writing if not for you. So, thank you.
> 
> Now, happy reading! I hope you will like this chapter :)

 

**_November 2014, Sunday, 3:15 PM…_ **

 

Justin watched through the passenger window, the scenery outside - the houses, the buildings, the cyclists they passed, the men, women and children walking on the sidewalk, the dogs, the open fields and wooded areas - all whizzing by them in a blur as Brian determinedly drove them toward their destination.

 

Brian hadn’t said a word to him since they had left the girls’ house and entered the car. As Justin peered over at him, he noticed how tight his jaw appeared to be. Brian was cursing like anyone would on occasion when he was irritated, but he was more pissed than Justin had ever remembered him to be, which clearly indicated how tense he was actually feeling. Brian hadn’t come right out and said so, but Justin could tell by the look on his face that he was angry and scared that something had happened to his father.

 

“You okay?” Justin finally asked, breaking the tense silence and taking advantage of the fact that Brian had stopped at a red light to question him.

 

Brian peered back at him and blinked; he had almost forgotten that Justin was there with him. “No, I’m not,” he retorted curtly. His knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel too tightly. “I fucking hate it when he does this.”

 

“Jack’s done it before?” Justin inquired, surprised.

 

“A couple of times,” Brian vaguely revealed, as he finally put the car into motion when the red light turned to green.

 

They stayed silent for a minute. Brian sensed that Justin was hoping that he would elaborate more about his statement without daring to question him outright in more detail about Jack. To his slight surprise, Brian realized that he _wanted_ to share this with Justin, so he eventually explained, “He runs off, and then he suddenly realizes that he doesn’t know how to get back, so he just sits somewhere and waits for someone to find him. He’s convinced people magically know where he’s going, because he claims an angel is looking after him…” Brian snorted. His father truly was so infuriating sometimes.

 

“At least, his world seems to be a wonderful place to live,” Justin mused. “Do you know where he might go?” He would be so worried if a member of his family disappeared regularly, so, he was hoping that Jack would choose the same place to go whenever he escaped.

 

“He often stays close to the Institute, somewhere in the middle of the trees, or near the lake. He doesn’t like the street much. He says the ‘music’ from the cars is too loud there, and it hurts his ears.” Brian huffed at the thought, peering at Justin who was sporting a funny expression on his face. “If you ask me, I really think he should try Babylon once. Then he would discover what loud music _really_ is.”

 

Justin laughed. “I’m not sure he would appreciate neither the men nor the music that much.”

 

Brian shrugged. “Jack has poor tastes in both, anyway. He loves Justin Bieber; that should tell you something.”

 

Justin laughed some more. Brian couldn’t help smiling in reaction, pinching his lips before concluding, “Anyway, the park is almost always where the staff finds him.”

 

“...But?” Justin could already guess that it probably wasn’t that simple. If it was, Brian wouldn’t be so pissed and stressed out right now.

 

Brian sighed loudly. “There’s a 90-acre forest a couple of miles from the Institute that’s on remote, private property, and if he goes there by himself, he can get lost. Anyone could. And considering that they haven’t found him yet, there’s a pretty good chance that’s where he is right now. Lucky us,” Brian quipped sarcastically. “Three years ago, he spent the night out in that forest, and was completely disoriented for a month afterward. He didn’t remember who I was for three days,” he reported, his usual, indecipherable mask firmly back in place.

 

“Jesus,” Justin reacted. “We have to find him quickly, then.” There was no way Jack could spend an entire night in that forest, especially knowing how cold it could get at this time of the year. Justin didn’t want to even think about what would happen if he did.

 

“We?” Brian couldn’t help a small smile from appearing on his face at Justin’s use of the word ‘ _we_.’

 

“Yes, WE have to,” Justin repeated firmly, placing his hand on top of Brian’s impulsively.

 

Brian felt a warm sensation invading his body as Justin’s hand covered his, relishing the feeling of his skin on his, and the heat of his touch; Justin eventually removed his hand, and Brian swallowed before taking a left turn toward their destination. They were less than five minutes away from the Institute now. “One of the staff is still searching for Jack near the Institute, so there’s no need to go there,” he announced curtly, still affected by Justin’s gesture. “I will drive us to the forest. Carol - the nurse on duty - was going to try and alert the owners anyway, but there’s no reason why they would be there.”

 

“Why do you say that?” Justin frowned.

 

“The Andrews - that’s their name - are retired and share their time between the Pitts and Australia. Pretty sure at this time of the year, Australia would win,” Brian informed him before adding, a mixture of annoyance and fear in his voice, “At least, the last time Jack decided to take a trip to the forest, it was on a warm summer day. I swear, I’m going to kill him when we find him!” He snapped, his voice trailing off.

 

“Did Carol call the police?” Justin inquired.

 

“She was going to, but I sincerely doubt they’d send a squad car out for a single brain-damaged, old man, even though it’ll be sunset in less than two hours now, ” Brian replied cynically. He smacked his hand against the steering wheel in concern as well as annoyance. “Fuck! We need to get to him before it becomes too dark,” he stated, unable to keep the worry out of his voice.

 

“We will find him, Brian,” Justin reassured him. He could be wrong, of course, but he would do all he could to help Brian and Jack, even if that meant staying up all night until he was located.

 

It was frightening for Justin to realize how much he cared about Brian and his family. Right now, he couldn’t imagine another place to be; it was as if he belonged here. His feelings should frighten him, but they didn’t.  Quite the contrary. He felt at peace, and he was certain that he was where he was supposed to be.

 

He was falling in love all over again. He and Brian had experienced so much since they had broken up. They’d built their path without relying on anyone, had dealt with whatever life had thrown their way, and had fought and won each and every battle they had encountered. Sure, it had not been an easy journey, but Justin was proud of what he had accomplished. And now that he could see the type of person his first partner had become, he could feel his heart beating faster at the sight of this man. Justin had loved an inexperienced, cynical, damaged, young man once, but the man Brian was today was so much more: a loving father, a wonderful son, a faithful friend. He was the person Justin had always believed he could become.

 

“We will find him,” Justin repeated firmly, his eyes eventually gazing back at the road.

 

Brian peered at him surreptitiously and saw the determination in Justin’s posture. He’d seen it before. When Justin focused all his energy on something, he was unstoppable. Brian knew there was a good chance that the next few hours would turn into hell if they didn’t find Jack, but having Justin by his side ready to support him no matter what truly helped. His ex- boyfriend had always been a force of nature when he decided to be. Brian knew it might not be enough this time, but if he wanted to find his father, Justin was definitely the best ally he could have wished for.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Ten Minutes Later, the Forest..._**

 

The majestic trees were rising all around them. The wind was blowing softly for now, but Justin’s smartphone had announced some rain toward the middle of the evening. The two men entered the forest through the main south entrance, Brian’s cell glued to his ear. A minute later, he finally clapped it shut and sighed.

 

“Anything?” Justin asked. Brian had called Carol to find out if there had been any news.

 

“They’re still searching for him near the Institute. The Andrews were unreachable, but Carol called the police and they’re sending three officers over. They’re going to search for Jack near the north entrance of the forest, since we’re covering the south part of it. She told me that a couple staff members will join us soon to help search for him, but I think we need to start without them,” Brian informed him, presently studying a map of the forest in front of him that was encased inside a wooden, glass box that had been mounted to a large tree.

 

“We should go our separate ways. We will cover more ground. And we both have our cells,” Justin reminded him. “Do you have a GPS, so that I can send you coordinates if I find him before you? You can even figure out my location that way.”

 

“I’m not leaving you,” Brian adamantly insisted, shaking his head.

 

“Brian. It will get dark soon. This is the best solution. It’s too cold at night, so we have to take our best chance at finding him as soon as possible,” Justin reminded him. Brian considered the sense of Justin’s plan. It probably would allow them to cover more ground while it was still daylight if searched for Jack separately.  However, he wasn’t sure how he felt about them being apart after dark.  

 

“Okay; let me check your phone,” Brian replied as he reluctantly acquiesced, realizing Justin was right. He took the blond’s cell and checked the battery level and his applications. Satisfied, he gave it back to Justin. “Here, now we’re using the same GPS.  So here is what we’re going to do:  we will use it to inform each other of our location. You send me a text every twenty minutes or so to confirm to me your precise location, and that you’re okay.” Justin was about to protest, but Brian didn’t give him time to utter a word, ordering instead, “No talking. Just do what I say, and shut up already.”

 

Justin stared at him for a few seconds. He eventually replied mischievously, smirking playfully, “Yes...Master.” No matter how stressful their current situation really was, teasing Brian was just too tempting not to take advantage of, in addition to being a good way of alleviating the tension they were both feeling at the moment.

 

Brian raised his eyebrows in response, giving Justin a pointed stare and trying hard not to grin back. “You don’t want me to answer that.”

 

“I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you,” Justin couldn’t help goading him, before turning serious again. “Okay; here…” He pointed to the map on display in front of them. “According to this, there are two main trails that diverge from here:  one that heads southeast, and the other one southwest.” He pointed out both directions on the map with his fingers, studying each option, before deciding, “I’ll take the southwest path and you take the other one.”

 

“Deal,” Brian agreed, peering at the two smaller trails in front of them that headed off in opposite directions. He couldn’t go without adding something first, though, as Justin started to walk away.  “And Justin?”

 

His companion turned around after a few steps to face him.  “Yeah?”  

 

“Be careful.”

 

Justin gazed at him softly. “I can take care of myself.”

 

“I know you can; I just…” Brian shrugged, his voice trailing off.  He felt unable to say what he really wanted to.

 

“Brian…” Justin came closer as his eyes bored into Brian’s. The air shifted. Brian was staring back at him with such an intense gaze that Justin felt a shiver running through his body. He raised his arm tentatively. He hesitated briefly, Brian’s gaze never altering, before eventually placing his hand on the brunet’s cheek. A sigh escaped Brian’s lips in response to his touch.

 

Emboldened, Justin caressed Brian’s skin and hair with his fingers. He could have sworn a surge of electricity surged through his heart when Brian raised his hand, too, and placed his own on Justin’s, interlacing their fingers together.

 

Brian closed his eyes and leaned in, so that his forehead finally touched Justin’s. He sighed deeply. Letting his other hand slip through his companion’s blond hair, he whispered softly, “We should go,” his hot breath grazing Justin’s face. He wasn’t sure how he could resist kissing Justin, except that he couldn’t lose any more time to find his father. So, he eventually leaned back, but he didn’t let go completely; their fingers were still entwined by their side.

 

Justin nodded as Brian opened his eyes. Taking several breaths didn’t help; in the end, Brian couldn’t stop himself.

 

He leaned in again and placed a soft kiss on Justin’s lips.  A moan escaped, but Brian wasn’t sure who had uttered it. He didn’t care. Justin was just melting under his lips, kissing him back oh so slowly, and Brian felt high.

 

Finally, he felt Justin squeezing his hand before he finally stepped backward and broke the kiss. Brian was astonished to realize how much he had missed and yearned for Justin. Justin’s lips, Justin naked in front of him. His pale skin, his sexy smile, his lustful eyes, his delicious cock; the curve of his ass. All of him. He wanted him so badly at that instant that his heart was hammering furiously in his chest.

 

Justin smiled kindly at him, and Brian suddenly remembered why he was here. Searching for Jack.

 

“We will find him,” Justin promised again, sensing Brian’s anxiety returning. At last, he turned to head off down his leaf-covered path. Brian kept staring at him for a few more seconds before he, too, turned around to travel down the other trail heading in the exact opposite direction.

 

* * *

 

 

**_The Forest, 4:30 PM..._ **

 

Forty-five minutes, and still no trace of Jack.

 

Justin had sent a text to Brian five minutes ago to inform him of his whereabouts, and he was beginning to feel the anxiety battling with his optimism. Brian’s father was nowhere to be found.

 

He was currently walking on a path leading him to a small lake and a seemingly abandoned cabin. The search was rendered even more complicated, because the trail apparently wasn’t used on a regular basis.  It was poorly maintained, and a lot of brambles and thorns were slowing down his progress substantially. Most of the time, he had to take big, careful steps to navigate the sinuous trail. Periodically, he would stop to observe the surrounding area and call out for Brian’s dad before proceeding any further. Thus, searching for Jack was taking a lot more time than he had anticipated before he had left Brian.

 

He finally arrived at a clear, secured area by the lake, and began walking near the water in the direction of the cabin. And suddenly, he froze. Someone was sitting in front of the weathered, wooden entrance on a tree-trunk.

 

Jack _. Thank God._ He was tapping with his feet on the floor, his head down, so that he hadn’t noticed Justin coming his way yet. Justin paused and gazed up at the sky, silently thanking whoever had led him to that place. He took out his cell and immediately sent a text to inform Brian. Once it was done, he put his phone back inside his pocket and took a deep breath before heading in Jack’s direction.

 

During all the time he had spent searching for him - and when he hadn’t been busy replaying Brian’s unexpected kiss in his head - Justin had wondered how Jack was going to react if he found him. Justin was a stranger, after all, so it was safe to say that the man might freak out. He briefly considered waiting for Brian, but it wasn’t an option. Brian was too far away, and he wouldn’t be here soon enough. The simplest solution was for Justin to convince Jack to follow him back to the entrance of the forest.

 

“Jack?” He called softly with a smile as he approached the man carefully, so as not to scare him. Jack peered up at him then, and Justin felt his heartbeat increase as a result. _Here we go…_

 

But Justin wasn't prepared for what happened next: Jack stood up as soon as he saw him and gave him a broad grin. He came closer. Before Justin had any time to react, he was engulfed in one of the tightest hugs he had ever received. It even challenged Debbie’s; something Justin wouldn’t have thought possible a moment ago.

 

“Nice to meet you, too,” Justin joked awkwardly, patting Jack on his back. “But I can’t breathe.”

 

“Sorry.” Jack released him and stepped back. “I thought my son was going to find me, but I should have known...” He declared cryptically, still sporting a huge smile on his face.

 

Justin felt Jack’s insistent stare on him. “You should have known…?”

 

“That an angel would find me!” Jack clarified, peering at Justin as if HE was the brain-damaged one.

 

Justin chuckled. “I’m sure your son would be delighted to hear that.”

 

“You know Brian?” Jack frowned.

 

Justin responded with a nod. “I do. He is… a friend. And he’s worried sick about you.”

 

“He is?” Jack replied hesitantly. Justin could see that instead of comforting him, the news made him nervous.

 

“Hey... it’s okay,” Justin attempted to reassure him. Jack didn’t seem to be listening to him anymore.

 

“He’s going to be mad. I hate it when he’s mad,” Brian’s father muttered, not really talking to Justin now. It was like he had completely forgotten the blond’s presence.

 

“Jack, it’s going to be okay,” Justin stated more firmly, placing his hand on Jack’s forearm. The man peered up at him, and Justin nodded when he thought that he had his attention.

 

But apparently, it wasn’t enough, “No! No, it’s not! He is going to be mad. Sonny Boy is going to be mad,” Jack insisted, talking to himself;  he broke from Justin’s grip and started pacing back and forth in front of him.

 

“Sonny Boy?” Justin questioned. He had only heard that expression when Brian talked to Gus, but it was too much of a coincidence to be insignificant.  Still, Justin didn’t have the time to dwell on it now, because Jack was beginning to walk away from him, “Hey... Jack! Wait!” He tried to stop him.

 

“Sonny Boy… Where is he? I need to see him!” Jack continued his monologue as he turned around to walk back to Justin, obviously hoping that he would help him find his son.

 

“Jack,” Justin placed his two hands on his forearms once again, trying to soothe him as much as he could. When Jack had calmed down enough, he grabbed his phone in his pocket and informed him, “Here; we’re going to call him, okay?”

 

“You have a phone? We can call him?” Jack’s face lit up.

 

“We can; and we will.” Justin pressed on the keys and placed the cell to his ear.

 

After a couple of seconds, Brian picked up and greeted Justin with a sarcastic “Please tell me you didn’t kill him yet because I want that pleasure myself.” From the tone of his voice and the muffled sounds he could hear, Justin deduced that he was walking fast, or maybe jogging, probably to join them as fast as possible.

 

“Brian,” Justin uttered in a serious tone; hoping he would understand immediately that something was going on.

 

Brian must have stopped walking, his voice seemingly more even now as he urged him, “Put him on the phone.”

 

Justin gave his cell to Jack. “It’s Brian.”

 

“Sonny Boy?” Jack greeted his son.

 

Justin frowned. Jack seemed to be waiting for an answer and he briefly wondered what was happening here. There was something he was missing.

 

At the other end of the line, Brian stilled. His father hadn’t called him that old nickname since before the accident seventeen years ago. _Shit._

 

“Sonny Boy?” Jack repeated; the only difference being that he seemed worried now.

 

Brian took a deep breath. He envisioned a sudden image of his last confrontation with his father in the kitchen of their old house, right before Jack had gotten into the car with Claire and Joan.

 

_“You don’t even try to listen… So what’s the point?”_

 

_“The point, Sonny Boy, is that you should shut the fuck up! I’m your father! You will do as I say! Don’t you have any respect?”_

 

_“Respect? Respect?!! Do you even hear what you’re saying? No way! I’m not going with you. You’re blind drunk, for Christ’s sake!”_

 

_“I’m perfectly able to drive, thank you very much. Now, get your damn ass in that car!”_

 

_“No…”_

 

_“What did you just say?”_

 

_“I said no! Maybe Mom and Claire can listen to your bullshit, but I won’t. And I won’t get into that car.”_

 

_“Come back here! Brian!”_

 

His old man had used his nickname for the last time then, and until now, Jack had never said it aloud again. But hearing his father calling him that was threatening to pull a lot of memories to the surface. Especially the bad ones.

 

_Don’t go there. Not now._

 

Brian tried to focus on the reason why his father would greet him with his former nickname now. Was it why he had run away today? Or had he suddenly remembered using this name for his son when he was younger? And why today, even though Brian used it all the time in front of Jack to refer to Gus when the three of them were together? Brian didn’t know, but he surely wasn’t going to question him on the phone. They needed to talk about it face to face, and preferably after his father was safe, back at the Institute.

 

“Jack.” Brian didn’t let his emotions reflect in his voice, choosing to clear his throat instead. “Listen to me,” he demanded. “You’re going to stay with Justin. You will obey everything he asks you to do, and you will follow him, no matter what happens. Do you understand what I’m saying?” He asked slowly.

 

“You’re mad,” Jack stated sadly, avoiding responding to his son’s request. He briefly wondered if ‘Justin’ was the same one Brian had already mentioned to him before; the person who had ‘saved’ him.

 

Jack had always been fascinated with people who protected other people. Angels. Heroes. They were so wonderful. Jack had decided that Brian was his savior, because ever since he had been a part of his life, everything looked brighter, safer and marvelous. However, when he had asked Brian who _his_ savior was, his son had not responded, claiming that it was nuts to think that everyone had a hero in his life. Yet, Jack had insisted on an answer so persistently that Brian had finally shared a name with him... _Justin._

 

But, no, Jack decided with a sigh; it couldn’t be the same Justin anyway. Brian had specified that he had lost him a long time ago.

 

“Jack…” Brian insisted, sensing that his father was not listening carefully.

 

“I’ll do it. I’ll do everything he says,” Jack promised, sounding more defeated than anything else. “Justin is an angel after all. He has magical powers, so he can make me do what he wants me to do, anyway,” Jack added more cheerfully as an afterthought.

 

Brian chuckled briefly, “An angel, huh?” If only his father knew how ‘angelic’ Justin had looked and sounded when he had begged Brian to fuck him harder and deeper back then: his head thrown back, his throat sublimely exposed for Brian’s tongue to explore, his mouth slightly opened, his loud, lustful gasps filling the air. The sight had been such a turn on, Justin’s body so warm and responsive beneath his fingers...On second thought, Jack might just be right. Brian knew firsthand how magical Justin could be, and how powerless he had been to stop himself from complying with his every demand.

 

_And why the fuck do I think about sex with Justin now? Jesus, Kinney... focus already._

 

Shaking his head, he eventually ordered, _“_ Put Justin back on the phone. And Jack?”

 

“Yes?” Jack answered shyly.

 

Brian pinched his lips. His father needed his support now, especially if Brian wanted him to trust Justin and behave himself. So, he decided that a few reassuring words might be in order. “I’m glad you’re okay,” Brian stated sincerely.

 

“You are?” Jack inquired innocently in an awe-filled voice.

 

“Of course I am. I care about you, you know that,” Brian volunteered. And it was true, he did care. “Now, just stay with Justin and make me proud, okay?” He demanded softly.

 

“I will! You will be the proudest son ever!” Jack declared excitedly. He was never more happy than when Brian verbally expressed his feelings for him.

 

“Good. Now, give the phone to Justin, okay, ‘Champ’?” Brian couldn’t help but smile at his father’s antics.

 

“Brian?” Justin eventually picked up the phone. “Everything’s okay?” He asked, even if his last word was laced with laughter; Jack was now performing a curious dance around him.

 

“Everything’s fine,” Brian replied truthfully. He might have a hard time soon dealing with his father’s new memories that seem to be emerging, but for now, they were both okay. “My father is convinced you’re an angel,” he stated in amusement. “He sure doesn’t know you yet,” he added, without realizing that he was implying that this might not be the only time that Justin would be accompanying him to see his father.

 

Justin noticed, though. He smiled as he replied, murmuring, “I’ve always told you I’m the sweetest guy you had ever met.”

 

Brian snorted. “And the most humble, too,” He quipped. “Right now, I’m not too far from your location; maybe twenty, twenty-five minutes or so. If you start to head back toward the entrance, we should meet up in about ten or fifteen minutes.”

 

“Okay. We’re on our way. The night is starting to fall, anyway, so we have to hurry.” Justin reminded him.

 

“Be careful. Both of you,” Brian whispered.

 

“We will. See you soon,” Justin concluded with a grin, before hanging up. Then, turning to look at Jack, he declared, “So, you really think I’m an angel, huh?”

 

“Of course you are. Only angels have golden hair like yours,” Jack explained as if it was the most evident thing in the world.

 

“I’m not an angel, Jack.” Justin chose to stop Jack’s fantasy right now, not sure if it was a good thing or not to indulge in Jack’s reality. “But I can be your friend, if you allow me to be.”

 

“You want to be my friend?” Jack asked, obviously delighted with Justin’s request.

 

“Of course I want to be your friend.” Justin nodded; he placed his hand on Jack’s shoulder as they began to walk towards their destination, but Jack was so happy that he began to ‘dance’ again. Justin let him, and smiled.

 

They walked for a few minutes in silence, or more precisely, with Jack now singing like a chickadee they’d just heard. It was amazing to hear it, Justin decided, because Jack really sounded like a bird, as if he had performed his skill over many years.

 

Eventually Jack started chattering again. “You’re Brian’s friend?” He inquired, even if both Brian and Justin had already confirmed it.

 

“I am,” Justin replied with a nod. He suspected Jack wanted to ask him something else, but he was obviously hesitating.

 

“Justin…” Jack confirmed Justin’s suspicion as he called out to him tentatively. They had just arrived in front of a nasty part of the path, where they would have to be extra careful in order not to fall, or become entangled in thorns.

 

“Hmm?” Justin answered absently. He was focused on his feet and was studying the ground to figure out where to walk. “Careful; follow my steps, okay?” He advised.

 

“I am,” Jack wasn’t about to disobey Justin. Even if he claimed not to be an angel, Jack knew better. “Justin, are you Brian’s savior?”

 

Justin froze with a frown, and turned around to look at Jack. “What?” He asked brusquely, causing the older man to lean back slightly as if he was afraid that the blond didn’t like his question. When he realized it, Justin softened the tone of his voice. “I mean, why do you think that?” He inquired as normally as he could.

 

Jack exhaled. He had been worried that Justin could be peeved at him, but he didn’t seem to be. In fact, Justin seemed to be very kind. Jack loved his new friend a lot. “We all have our saviors. Brian is my savior. And he said to me once that someone called Justin was his. Is that you?” Jack asked, completely unaware that he was indeed revealing something really private regarding his son.

 

Justin stood there, dumbfounded. “He said that to you?” He replied, not knowing how to respond any other way.

 

“He did; after I asked him twenty-nine times in a row on every single one of his visits who his savior was,” Jack stated proudly. “But he also told me that he lost Justin a long time ago. So, it’s not you, is it?”

 

Justin felt a lump suddenly forming in his throat. This man standing in front of him had no idea how much his revelation meant to him. Justin suddenly felt a surge of love for this brain-damaged, yet innocent and endearing man. Brian’s father was truly a beautiful soul. Justin understood more than ever why Brian felt so protective of his father now, even though physically at least this man was the same one who had almost destroyed his life a long time ago.

 

Realizing that Jack was looking at him curiously, Justin cleared his throat and smiled softly. “We should keep going,” he suggested, not answering Jack’s inquiry.

 

As he turned around to resume his progression, he suddenly heard Brian’s voice calling for them. Justin’s heartbeat increased as they hurried down the path, his thoughts still trying to process what he had just learned.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	22. Seeds of Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: July 2005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help myself. Enjoy!

 

 

**_July 2005, a Few Hours later, Emmett’s Apartment..._ **

  
  
  
  


Someone was banging on the door. Continually. It was 2:50 AM on Friday morning, and Michael had little doubt about who was bold enough to show up at this ungodly hour, not giving a shit if he woke up the whole building in the process or not.

  
  


Michael put his pillow over his head, exhaling loudly while cursing under his breath. He didn’t want to get up, but he needed to or his neighbors would come and rip him a new one soon. He’d just hoped Emmett would have been the first one to get up; but apparently, his roommate either didn’t want to, or was in too deep a slumber to bother - which was a possibility, because his bedroom was at the opposite side of the apartment. Furthermore, there was also a chance that he had not come home tonight, and was still enjoying himself somewhere.

  
  


Reluctantly, Michael stood up and shuffled out of his room before heading towards the front door, turning on several lights along the way. The banging wasn’t so loud now, but it hadn’t stopped, either.

  
  


Grasping the handle and opening the door, Michael didn’t see anyone at first and frowned. He took a step forward, checking the hallway in front of the apartment. Not noticing anything in the darkness, he eventually peered down. 

  
  


There he was. Brian was half-sitting, half-leaning by the right side of the door, his back against the wall with his legs stretched out in front of him. His head was down, but apparently his brain was still functioning enough to register that he didn’t have to lift his arm to pound on the door anymore, even if he hadn’t acknowledged Michael yet. 

  
  


Eventually, Brian gazed up and tried to peer at his friend, but from the look on his face, Michael understood immediately that he was completely wasted. 

  
  


“... the fuck?” Michael complained. Brian sported a weird, goofy smile on his face, and he also appeared to have difficulty keeping his eyes open.

  
  


“I knocked…” Brian slurred. “That was the polite thing to do, right, Mikey? I wanted to climb the building like Spidermaaan, but my feet didn’t agree with me. They’re sooo mean.”

  
  


Michael shook his head in disapproval, but nonetheless he bent down to help Brian stand up. “Stop playing smartass; I’m really not in the mood! Do you know what time it is? Jesus!” He cursed as Brian almost lost his balance when he stood up, but the man succeeded in remaining on his legs by leaning against the wall. He was grinning like an idiot, though.

  
  


“You’re sooo sweeeeet, Mikey. And you have beauuutiful eyelashes.” Brian frowned, concentrating on Michael’s furrowed brow, apparently, thanks to just enough light coming from the apartment. “How the fuck did I never notice it befooore?” He slurred again.

  
  


Michael rolled his eyes. “Come on. Don’t stay in the hallway.” He placed his arm around Brian’s waist and helped him enter the apartment. Taking advantage of the fact that Brian was now leaning on him but seemed balanced enough not to fall, he led him immediately to one of the guest room.

  
  


Michael succeeded in making Brian lie down on the bed, or rather, helped him crash down onto the mattress with little finesse. Brian groaned, but didn’t move from his position, having ended up on his back. “I never thought... you were such a wild brute,” he complained lazily with a smirk, his eyes opening and closing very slowly now. He was obviously about to pass out.

  
  


How Brian could still mock him fondly while being completely high was a mystery to Michael. But he couldn’t help but grin back a little. “Stop complaining. You’re lucky that I let you in at all,” Michael replied with a snort. He took off Brian’s shoes and socks before helping him off with his jacket; Brian lifted his arms obediently and somewhat straightened himself so Michael could remove it.

  
  


“You looove me…” He eventually responded, his voice trailing off. He was falling asleep.

  
  


“Fucker,” Michael muttered tenderly under his breath. He unbuttoned Brian’s jeans and took them off, too, Brian merely raising his hips to help him. At last, the brunet was wearing only his shirt and underwear as Michael put a blanket on him.

  
  


“Wait…” Brian suddenly uttered. “Whaaat ...time?” He asked drowsily. And yet, Michael also sensed that Brian was becoming agitated. Staring at his wasted friend, he realized that he hadn’t had the time to ask him why he was here, and not at home with Justin.

  
  


“It’s three a.m. You should get some sleep.” Michael answered, trying to reassure him. He wanted to go back to sleep, and the sooner Brian was out, the better.

  
  


Brian moaned in response. “J’stin…” 

  
  


“Don’t worry. I’m sending him a text as soon as you behave like a good boy and just shut up. It’s late, Brian. I’d like to go back to sleep,” Michael scolded him softly. He leaned down to place a chaste kiss on his friend’s lips, which tasted like Beam and cigarettes, before standing up with the firm intention of trodding back to his room and trying to fall back asleep as soon as possible.

  
  


“Now!” Brian gripped his wrist urgently, effectively preventing his friend from leaving. Michael frowned as he looked down at Brian’s hand on him. Looking up, his gaze meet Brian’s pleading eyes. “Call him...Tell him.”

  
  


Michael sat back down and looked at Brian quizzically. The brunet winced and leaned his head back on the pillow, murmuring, “... he must be worried...you need… should be home...how much I… don’t…” Michael didn’t understand everything he was saying, but he could see that Brian was kind of freaking out. Something serious must have  happened  between him and Justin for him to appear completely drunk at his door in the middle of the night. Michael had rarely seen him acting like this before.

  
  


“Okay. I’m going to call him now. Just try to get some rest,” Michael commanded gently, but Brian just squeezed his wrist even harder.

  
  


Michael could have almost sworn that Brian was definitely more sober as he gazed up at him, his eyes unexpectedly betraying a sadness that made Michael chest’s tighten.  “Promise me, Michael… now.”

  
  


Michael found it hard to breathe suddenly. Brian rarely used his formal name, except when he was trying to make a point. He placed his other hand on top of his friend’s hand. “I promise.”

  
  


Brian nodded imperceptibly and eventually let go. He was passed out within seconds.

  
  


* * *

 

“Okay… let’s get this over with,” Michael mumbled to himself, feeling a surge of adrenaline coursing through his veins. He really didn’t like the idea of calling Justin after three a.m. in the morning to inform him that his drunk-out-of-mind boyfriend was currently snoring and drooling on the pillow in the guest room. But Brian was right; he needed to reassure Justin that his boyfriend was indeed okay, at least physically. Emotionally, he wasn’t quite sure. So despite his extreme weariness, Michael sat down on the couch, pressed the keys on his cell phone, put it on his ear, and waited.

  
  


Justin picked up after one ring. Peering at the caller I.D., he sighed loudly as the phone call connected, but he didn’t utter a word. He was lying in his bedroom wide awake, and was just waiting for Michael to say something. Anything. 

  
  


He had been waiting for Brian to come home all night, feeling angry, pissed, frustrated, and everything in between. He had cleaned the apartment twice as a result, and had finally gone to bed at 2:30 a.m.; yet for the past fifteen minutes, anxiety had joined the rush of mixed emotions he was experiencing. Brian always came home before three a.m., and yet, he wasn’t there; what if something had happened to him?

  
  


That had been his worry until he saw Michael’s name on his phone’s screen, anyway. After that, he just didn’t trust himself to say anything without completely losing it.

  
  


Michael sensed immediately that Justin was really tense. The lack of speech gave it away.  _ Thank you very much, Brian.  _ He couldn’t help but blame his friend inwardly. “Justin?” He finally muttered, raising his eyebrows.

  
  


“Is that a big surprise?  You’re the one calling ME, Michael,” Justin pointed out.  He couldn’t help feeling a twinge of guilt over the sharp edge to his voice; after all, it wasn’t Michael’s fault if his boyfriend was an asshole, but he couldn’t help himself. The only reassuring thought was that if Michael was calling him and not babbling non-stop right now, it meant Brian was okay. Probably.

  
  


“Hey! You might have a good reason to be pissed at him, but don’t take it out on me, understand?” Michael retorted a little too loudly, stopping himself from adding anything else. He took a deep breath to compose himself before resuming more quietly, “Or I swear - next time I will leave him sleeping on our doorstep, and YOU will have to come and pick his sorry ass up off the floor in the middle of the night.” He was tired of dealing with his two friends. They really deserved each other at times.

  
  


“Sorry…” Justin mumbled tiredly, inwardly relieved to know that Brian was alright. 

  
  


Michael sighed. “Justin… Brian unexpectedly showed up and banged on the door like a maniac until I opened it twenty minutes ago...and now he’s passed out. I don’t know what happened between the two of you...but you need to get your shit together,” Michael stated curtly, before softening his voice. “He was upset, Justin. I mean…Did the two of you have a fight or something?”

  
  


Michael heard Justin chuckle sarcastically. “You could say that,” he eventually replied, before adding, “I’m just...Brian is and always will be Brian Kinney. And right now, I’m just tired of dealing with it, you know?” he revealed, the tone of his voice betraying how exhausted he really felt.

  
  


Michael pinched his lips, ready to start the whole ‘ _ you’re not someone who gives up _ ’ speech. “Justin,” he began, but he didn’t have time to elaborate any further before he was interrupted.

  
  


Justin cut him off. “He is so infuriating sometimes! And I…I’m not even sure he will ever believe in relationships, much less acknowledge that he is in one. Seriously, how fucked up is that?” he said wearily. 

  
  


“You’re wrong,” Michael stated firmly.

  
  


“Am I?” Justin questioned. “Truly, Michael, am I? You know him as well as I do. You really believe he will wake up one day, and actually decide he can just live like a normal person and actually express his feelings for a change, instead of always hiding behind this fucking facade he’s always showing to the rest of the world?”

  
  


Michael sighed. “I know he can be infuriating and act like a selfish, self-centered prick, making you feel as if you aren’t enough sometimes; but Justin, you have to believe me. He would be lost without you. He loves you.” Michael tried to make his friend see the truth.

  
  


“You  _ really _ think that, huh?” Justin inquired with a frown. Most of the time, he didn’t doubt Brian’s feelings, but sometimes, it was as if he didn’t know anymore. Sometimes, he felt like he just needed to breathe. Loving Brian Kinney was so fucking complicated.  _ At least, boredom will never be the reason why we couldn’t make it work,  _ Justin couldn’t help but think.

  
  


Michael confirmed, “Yeah. It’s good that one of us can clearly see how deeply he feels about you, and how much he’s already changed because of you. I think you’re completely blind to it sometimes.”

  
  


“I am not,” Justin insisted.  But inside, he was wondering. Was he?

  
  


“You ARE,” Michael countered with a smile. “Listen, Brian is here, and whatever happened between you two is not going to be resolved tonight; so why don’t you try to get some rest, and let him sleep it off?”  

  
  


“I probably should,” Justin relented. He pinched his nose and rubbed his forehead, before adding, “Okay.” He was grateful for Michael. Brian needed his best friend to take care of him, too, and Michael had never failed him; or them.

  
  


“I will tell him to call you tomorrow. Now, get some sleep and I will do the same. Some of us have to work in…” Michael looked at the clock, “Shit! I need to be up in less than three hours!  Remind me to tell your boyfriend I truly hate him sometimes,” Michael complained.

  
  


“Sure you do,” Justin responded with a knowing smile. As if Michael could ever blame Brian for more than thirty seconds.

  
  


“Sweet dreams, Blondie,” Michael teased his friend playfully with a smile of his own.

  
  


“You too, Astro Man,” Justin shot back before hanging up.  It was the name that he always used for Michael to annoy him, mainly because Michael called him “Blondie,” knowing it had irritated him back when they had first met during the time that Michael had been too busy ignoring his existence to please Brian. 

  
  


Justin let the phone fall onto the bed beside him and peered up at the ceiling, his eyes still wide open. He could feel them moisten slightly, and he cursed inwardly as he rubbed them dry. Soon, he felt himself slowly drifting off, his mind overloaded with conflicting thoughts.

  
  


* * *

 

**_Friday…_ **

  
  


Brian went to work the next day. Michael had tried to call him about a thousand times by six p.m., but he had refused to answer. He didn’t feel like trying to justify his behavior. It was humiliating enough that he didn’t really have a clue about how he had ended up at Emmett and Michael’s apartment in the first place. Sure, he could remember a few scenes - Woody’s, Babylon, the backroom, among other things. He also remembered standing in front of his former building, thinking he really wanted to climb like Spiderman and wake Mikey up by tapping on his window. He had contemplated on how to do that, scrutinizing the gutter to gauge its sturdiness; even trying to put a foot on it, and failing to establish any balance. He had shouted loudly at the scratched-up, white pipe then, before explaining to it - as if it could understand him - how he could imagine engaging with Mikey in a homo vendetta across the city as they played Mr. and Mrs. Spiderman and Spiderwoman. The idiotic thought had made him laugh for what had seemed like hours at the time.

  
  


He had eventually decided to forgo the gutter and use a safer way to reach the apartment, fortunately. He could recall some cloudy images of his friend tucking him in and taking care of him as he always did. However, when Brian had awakened, he had been alone - neither Emmett nor Mikey had been there - and he had been relieved, even more so when he had discovered that his friend had actually informed Justin about the reason why he hadn’t come home the night before.  

  
  


Michael had left a note addressed to him on the kitchen counter, informing him that, one, Justin knew he had spent the night there; two, he needed to call his boyfriend ASAP to let him know that he was still alive even if he smells like death; and three, he was ordered to answer his damn phone and to please begin acting like a normal human being for a change. Brian had chuckled briefly when he had read Michael’s last words. “And no, you’re NOT a superhero; but don’t worry, we love you anyway.”

  
  


Brian had arrived late for work. He hadn’t been able to focus, and had almost lost a client because of it. Truthfully, all he wanted was for the day to end, so that he could go back home, crawl into bed, and sleep for a year. He refused to think about how he was going to handle the situation with Justin. He was too exhausted to think about anything anyway.

  
  


He came home at precisely 6:22 p.m. according to his cell phone. He checked it as he stood in the elevator. A minute later, he entered his place and listened carefully for any noises that would indicate that Justin was home. He didn’t hear anything.

  
  


He walked around the living room slowly, searching for clues; what they were, he didn’t know. Then, he headed towards their room. Peering inside, he noticed that the bed was unmade, and that the room seemed spotless. In fact, all the apartment seemed like it had been cleaned from top to bottom. Brian sighed, scratching his hair nervously, before heading into the bathroom. 

  
  


He took out his clothes and tossed them into the hamper, before stepping into the shower stall. He let the water massage his shoulders, his head down as he supported his weight with his hands on the ceramic tile, the steamy, moist air quickly filling the confined space.

  
  


He was fucking tired. He could feel himself slowly relaxing under the warm cascade of water and becoming more drowsy with each passing second. So, he eventually stepped out, dried himself off, and just fell into bed. He was asleep about forty seconds later.

  
  


* * *

 

 

**_Several hours earlier…_ **

  
  


Justin had managed to sleep for about four hours. He had woken up around seven a.m, searching instinctively for Brian’s body next to him, before remembering the events of the night before.

  
  


He rose and showered, but found that he could barely eat anything. He still didn’t understand how such a mundane thing as working with a friend on a common project had produced such a strong, out-of-proportion reaction from Brian. There was probably something he was missing here; after all, Brian’s insecurities had always been hard to deal with. 

  
  


Justin had signed up for a summer class at PIFA where he could learn about using computer software more effectively to edit a film. He’d hoped that Brian would eventually call him during the day, but he didn’t, and truthfully, a part of him was relieved about not having to talk to him on the phone. Yet, another part of him was disappointed. Avoidance had always been one of Brian’s defense mechanisms; but it still didn’t stop Justin from being pissed, and frustrated as hell.  

  
  


He decided to wait to confront him later, because he had promised Spencer that they would work together after his class. Their project was a huge one, and would take at least another couple of weeks to finish. Justin had planned to take two weeks off at the end of August, and he and Spencer had to present their work by the beginning of September. So, he needed to accomplish as much work as possible until then; meaning he would have to spend a lot of time with Spencer. Just thinking about it gave him a headache, because he knew Brian would give him a hard time about it. He would just have to deal with it, one way or another.

  
  


******

  
  


Spencer lived in a one room studio not too far from PIFA, so Justin was able to arrive at his place by six p.m. 

  
  


“So, how did it go with your boyfriend last night?” Spencer eventually asked as he stood next to him, too curious to resist. They had worked for the past hour and a half on Spencer’s computer, perched on a tiny desk in the corner of the room. The redhead had just gone to retrieve two beers from the fridge as Justin studied the screen in front of him.

  
  


“It didn’t,” Justin simply answered, taking a sip of his drink, not wanting to elaborate any further about Brian and their falling out.

  
  


Spencer snorted without saying anything while he pretended to look at some files.

  
  


“What?” Justin frowned. 

  
  


“Nothing,” Spencer mumbled, shaking his head, but from the look on his face Justin knew that he was lying. Spencer walked towards the sofa bed nearby with his beer and placed it on the small coffee table in front of him.

  
  


“You might as well tell me what you’re thinking,” Justin urged, standing up from his chair.

  
  


Spencer stared at him intensely before eventually stating, “What I think is, he doesn’t deserve someone like you. But I know you won’t agree, and I don’t want to fight with you about it.”

  
  


“You’re right, I don’t.” Justin retorted brusquely. He frowned. “Why do you think that, anyway?”

  
  


Spencer shrugged. “I know his reputation, that’s all.”

  
  


“He is more than just a reputation,” Justin couldn’t help but reply curtly.

  
  


Spencer answered with a nod. “Probably, or you wouldn’t be with him in the first place.” He stood up and took a few steps before stopping in front of Justin. “I just don’t know how you can deal with him. I couldn’t,” he stated with a sincere stare. Or at least he  _ tried  _ to make Justin think he was being sincere. 

  
  


The truth was, Spencer couldn’t stand Brian. He was convinced that he was a heartless bastard, who only thought about his dick and who would hurt Justin over and over again. And he was ready to prove that to him. He would be a better lover that this man, of that he was certain. Moreover, the more time he spent with Justin, the more he wanted him. His beautiful friend invaded his dreams at night. When he was awake, Justin filled his thoughts. He wanted to kiss him, to hold him, to make love to him. He would have already made a move if he thought Justin would be receptive to his overtures. But he wasn’t. Spencer couldn’t fathom why, but Justin truly cared about Brian. 

  
  


Justin huffed, “Meaning, you’re one of those right thinking queers that think that monogamy is the answer to everything?”

  
  


Spencer gave him a sad smile. “No. I just know that if I had a boyfriend like you, I would make sure he knows how I feel, that’s all. Monogamy is not my thing, either...but I would consider it with the right person. I mean, that’s what love is all about, right?” He leaned closer to Justin so that he was almost stepping in his private space before adding, “It means doing whatever it takes to make the person you love happy - especially if he is the real deal - because ultimately that would be what makes me happy, too.” Spencer paused briefly before concluding, “It’s as simple as that.” 

  
  


Justin leaned back slightly. Spencer was staring at him with _ that _ look, the one that told Justin everything he needed to know. He needed to stop his friend right here and right now. He couldn’t let him think that he was interested, or even falling for his pretty words. “It’s not love if you become someone you don’t want to be in the first place.”

  
  


“And who is talking here? You? Or Brian?” Spencer inquired pointedly as he leaned in closer to Justin’s face again. The blond didn’t respond, but Spencer could see that he had struck a nerve. Inwardly gloating, he couldn’t help planting one further seed of doubt in his friend’s head. “You’re really sure this is what you want? To be with someone that you already know will never be the man you want him to be?”

  
  


Justin stood there in shock. His relationship with Brian was his business, not Spencer’s; or anyone else’s for that matter. How dare Spencer question it? How dare he trivialize his love for Brian? As if he was just a boytoy wasting his time, dreaming that the man who fucked him would change into Prince Charming. As if Brian didn’t feel anything at all.

  
  


And yet, some of Spencer’s words cut him deeply, even though his friend didn’t really know shit.

  
  


Justin glared at Spencer and finally announced with a murdering stare, “I think we’re done for today.” He grabbed his jacket and his backpack, threw his files and books inside, and looked back one last time at the other man. “I will call you on Monday so that we can finish the graphics. After that, we need to reserve the media room to begin editing the video.”

  
  


“Sure, whatever you want.” Spencer agreed as he went back to sit at his desk.

  
  


Justin left the apartment without looking back. Thus, he didn’t see the smug grin on Spencer’s face as he stared at Justin’s retreating form. 

  
  


Later, Justin found Brian asleep in their bed, lying on his stomach completely naked, his legs spread underneath the duvet that was only partially covering him, a lock of hair falling into his eyes. He seemed so peaceful, and Justin was mesmerized by the sight, so much so that he allowed himself to forget about his own anger for a moment. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil, and let his love for this man fill the drawing. 

  
  


He would deal with his conflicted feelings tomorrow. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

**_The Next Day…_ **

  
  


Brian woke up at six a.m, after having slept for eleven hours straight. His mind was foggy at first, until his eyes landed on the sleeping form next to him.  That was when it all came flooding back. 

  
  


Moving on his right side to face Justin, who was lying on his stomach, his arms underneath the pillow, Brian stared at him for a long time, itching to touch his skin. His fingers eventually laced themselves in Justin’s golden hair as he caressed the locks softly until his hand stilled. Justin had opened his eyes and was now staring at him intently, his face expressionless. Brian curled his fingers into a fist in Justin’s hair, but he finally began to move them again, lightly trailing them down Justin’s back.

  
  


“Brian…” Justin said softly, making him pause slightly. He couldn’t look at him, couldn’t stand to see the anger and pain in Justin’s eyes. So he resumed his exploration with his hand, not sure what he was waiting for or expecting. He just knew he had always been better at expressing himself with his fingers, his lips, and his body, and that words had never been his ally when he had fucked up in the past. Why did the words terrify him so much, even though he used them effectively every day to make a lucrative salary, he couldn‘t explain it. Yet, they failed him wherever Justin was concerned. 

  
  
  


Justin sighed loudly, turning his head so Brian couldn’t see his face anymore. Brian realized that Justin was giving up on the tiny hope he’d held onto that he would apologize this time. And he hated it. So, for once he did what he normally would never do. He leaned closer and caressed Justin’s skin as he whispered, “I’m sorry,”

  
  


Justin turned his head to stare at him, his eyes inscrutable and not revealing anything. Brian felt like his chest would explode if he didn’t do something, so he leaned in and kissed Justin. He hadn’t meant for it to be more than just a kiss, but the first taste of his lover’s lips triggered something deep inside him, so much so that he just turned off his thoughts and let his body take over. He almost jumped on Justin and devoured his mouth, his hands gripping Justin’s hips, his fingers thirsty for his skin. Justin responded with an equal force, and almost shouted when Brian suddenly moved down his body and engulfed his cock in heat. 

  
  


There was nothing like it. Nothing like the feeling of Justin’s semi-hard cock growing beneath his tongue, the smell and taste of his arousal invading his every sense. Brian was completely consumed by it, and he was now making love with his mouth as a result.

  
  


It wasn’t enough. He needed more. Grabbing Justin’s ankles, then his thighs, he lifted them up and bent down to lick Justin’s balls thoroughly, sucking them into his mouth, before proceeding to lick his way to his ass. Brian began to rim Justin, the young man completely under his control by now, uttering incoherent pleas and begging Brian to take him deeper, whatever that meant. Brian could feel his lover relaxing beneath the warmth of his tongue and opening around his fingers, the thought of pushing inside Justin becoming almost too much to bear.

  
  


When Justin grabbed his shoulder urgently and made him fall forcibly onto his back, Brian allowed it willingly. The blond unrolled a condom on Brian’s cock as quickly as he could, worshiping Brian’s neck with his lips and tongue. Brian couldn’t take anymore as he grabbed the back of Justin’s head to kiss him some more. At the same time, he took hold of his hungry cock and placed its tip at Justin’s entrance, Justin’s hand soon coming to surround his own as the blond whispered breathlessly, “Want to feel you.”

  
  


They started kissing frantically again when Justin forced his way onto Brian’s cock, their hands still joined between them, just as the brunet pushed his hips off the bed. They both moaned in each other’s mouth as Brian penetrated Justin fully. In the end, they had to break their kiss to breathe, the two men snapping their hips together to intensify the pleasure they were both feeling, while their bodies melted into each other, their hands searching frantically for more skin.

  
  


As the pleasure he was feeling threatened to spiral out of controll, Brian rolled them over again so that he was on top and he placed his hands on both sides of Justin’s body, Justin’s ankles encircling his waist. He began to pound inside Justin, harder and harder, as deep as he could, completely lost in the pure ecstasy he was feeling, sparks coursing throughout his body. 

  
  


Justin had thrown back his head, his neck exposed for Brian’s touch; he placed one of his legs on his lover’s shoulder so that Brian could fuck him deeper, the blissed expression on his face making Brian’s cock expand even more. 

  
  


They couldn’t last. They were lost. Brian’s thrusts became shorter. The tone of his moans sounded higher. Pleasure could be such a powerful thing. It could make them forget everything but the connection they’ve always felt with each other. For Brian, it was also the easiest way to tell Justin everything he needed to hear. 

  
  


And to make sure that Justin heard him loud and clear.

  
  


And now, as Brian’s orgasm exploded inside of his lover at the sight of Justin coming without being touched, as seemingly endless cries of pleasure filled the room, Brian vowed silently that he would do everything in his power to keep Justin around for a long time. 

  
  


Maybe ‘everything _ ’ _ would be enough...maybe  _ he _ would be enough.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write more in this one and to finally give you what you're waiting for. I failed, obviously. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless and that you're not losing patience already, or not too much anyway! ;)


	23. That Night...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November 2014

 

  
  


**_November 2014, The Institute, Sunday Evening…_ **

  


When they came back from the wooded area, Justin decided to give Brian and his father some privacy. So he left the two men in Jack’s room, and headed back down the stairs to the entrance of the Institution. Truthfully, after the day he had just experienced, Justin welcomed some time on his own; he eventually decided to take a stroll on the lighted path surrounding the place for nearly half an hour, ignoring the cooling air of the night, until he received a call from Brian, asking for him to come back.

  


Although, when he joined them, he wondered if it had been a good idea to leave the two men alone. Brian seemed off. On the other hand, Jack seemed to be fine; yet Justin also noticed how he was looking at his son, as if he were waiting for something specific to happen. Justin was clueless as to what it could be.

  


Brian finally announced that they were leaving and Justin hugged Jack to say goodbye, promising to visit him soon. Jack beamed at him, making Justin laugh. Brian smiled, but Justin sensed a hidden sadness as he peered over at his former lover. Then, Brian surprisingly hugged his father, too, and whispered something in his ear, but his voice was so low that Justin couldn’t hear his words. He could just see Jack’s soft gaze as he stared back affectionately at his son.

  


“You okay?” Justin asked as he and Brian were descending the stairs to leave the building a moment later.

  


“Yeah. I just want to get out of here,” Brian responded curtly, his face impassible. Justin frowned, but he understood that Brian didn’t want to talk about whatever had happened in Jack’s room, at least for now.

  


They made their way to the parking lot and entered Brian’s car. Brian positioned himself behind the steering wheel and sighed loudly. Justin stared at him.

  


Brian finally pinched his lips before he peered back at Justin. He smiled slightly. “So...at least you can’t say that it was boring to spend the day with me, can you?” He quipped, but Justin didn’t know if he was joking or just annoyed. Probably both.

  


“It was…” Justin gazed away as he thought of a good word to properly describe the day he’d just spent with Brian. He raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips together thoughtfully before concluding, “...kind of intense.”

  


Brian barked out a laugh. “That’s the understatement of the century. But unfortunately, not for the typical reason,” he replied dryly, annoyance dripping from his voice. “Fuck!” He rubbed his face with his hands and leaned back in his seat. He looked exhausted.

  


“Brian... hey…” Justin called over to him softly, placing his hand on Brian’s thigh.

  


Brian lifted his gaze to look at Justin intently. Seemingly refusing to think any further after the brief time he had just shared with his father, he gripped Justin at the back of his head and plunged forward to kiss him.

  


Justin hadn’t been prepared for this. So, he didn’t respond at first. But kissing Brian had always been so addictive, than even if he knew he should stop whatever was happening right now, he didn’t. He opened his lips, allowing Brian’s tongue to invade his mouth for the second time that day.

  


Both their hearts were beating furiously. The sweet sensation of lips, tongue and lust gripped both of them. Justin responded wholeheartedly, and began to slide his fingers through Brian’s hair as he deepened the kiss. Soon, Brian’s lips left his mouth and began to lick his neck; but only briefly, before resuming his claim on his lips.

  


Jesus. They had missed this so fucking much. And yet, Justin knew he had to stop them. Brian was obviously reacting to whatever had happened with his father earlier, and even if Justin wanted this, it didn’t seem right to take advantage of Brian’s seemingly vulnerability. So, reluctantly, he eventually pulled back.

  


Brian was breathing hard. So was Justin. “We need to stop,” Justin breathed out.

  


Brian responded with a whisper. “I know.” But he immediately leaned forward once more to taste Justin’s lips again.

  


The kiss was shorter, but its intensity was increasing. They had craved this intimacy so much that it was almost impossible to stop, much less form a coherent thought.

  


“Jesus Christ, Justin…” Brian cursed as Justin broke off the kiss once more.  

  


Justin smiled at Brian’s obvious desire for him. “Come on,” he said as he slipped his fingers softly into Brian’s hair once more. “Let’s go back to your place.” Brian raised his eyebrows playfully at Justin’s words. Justin laughed as he specified, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  


“So you say,” Brian replied with a small smirk. “You’ve always used my body to make me talk about my feelings,” he stated impulsively without thinking.

  


The words sobered the two men, Brian’s eyes darkening at the thought of what used to be. He gazed away and a few seconds later, he turned on the car.

  


Justin stared at Brian as memories of his time with the man came to his mind. Sex had always been Brian’s way to ‘communicate’ about how he felt; it was true. Justin had never had a better understanding of what his boyfriend was going through than when they kissed, fucked or made love.

  


_Made love._ They _had_ made love. Several times. In fact, for Justin, Brian made love better than any other man, even if that was one area of expertise the man claimed he had no clue about.

  


Right now, Brian’s kiss had said it all. It revealed how scared he had been for his father. That afternoon when they had gone to look for him had showed to Justin how much Brian had grown to love Jack; even if Justin had no doubt that he must have fought against his unwanted feelings with all his might when he had reconnected with his father. He had fortunately failed at staying away.

  


Still, his kiss told another story, too. Justin didn’t know what father and son had talked about when he had left them on their own once they had come back to the Institute, but he suspected it was something big. Brian was shaken by the encounter, and Justin could only hope he would eventually decide to confide in him about it. But he would not push him, either. He was just grateful that he could be here, by his side.

 

* * *

 

 

**_Flashback, Forty Minutes Earlier…_ **

  


Brian stared at the door. Justin had just disappeared from his sight, claiming that he needed to call his mother, but Brian knew it was bullshit. The real reason was that Justin wanted to give Jack and him some time alone to talk about what had happened today.

  


When Brian had received Justin’s text earlier informing him that he had found Jack in the forest, he had felt a deep relief. Imagining his father wandering aimlessly outside on his own for the entire night had made his blood run cold, because he remembered vividly three years ago when it had happened before, and he never wanted to live through that again. Indeed, that one time, Jack might have been physically okay when they had found him, but his state of mind had been quite alarming, and Brian had feared the worst. Consequently, when Jack had finally acknowledged him after three days without recognizing who he was at all initially - or even knowing who he was himself, for that matter - Brian had almost wanted to cry. Of course, he had gotten his dick sucked by one of the substitute employees filling in for the summer instead.

  


Yet, today, as the relief had started to fade away - especially after their conversation on the phone - Brian had felt something else altogether. The exchange had left him feeling restless, and he had tried to push it away from his mind, to make it disappear somehow. He had mainly succeeded. That is, until Justin had left him alone with Jack for the first time that day.

  


And here he was now, looking at the door and seemingly unable to avert his eyes and look at his father, who was sitting quietly on his bed. Brian also could feel his heartbeat pounding in his chest, as well as the adrenaline rushing through his body. He didn’t know why confronting Jack about the ‘Sonny Boy’ nickname was so difficult, and yet he had to suck it up and deal with it. If it was the reason why the man had run away today, he didn’t want for it to happen again.

  


Eventually, he turned around and peered up at his father. Jack hadn’t moved. His head was down, his hands hidden underneath his thighs like a little boy who was just waiting to be reprehended and punished after having done something foolish.

  


Except he wasn’t a little boy. While his posture could be read as childish, there was something in his eyes that told another story. Now, he was staring up at his son, his gaze soft, yet unfaltering. Brian was the one who eventually looked away.

  


He came to sit next to Jack on the bed. He rubbed his hands on his thighs a few times, before leaning back, his hands now resting on the bed behind him to support his upper body. “So…” He began, but he paused and cleared his throat. His voice sounded weird to his own ears.

  


“Justin is beautiful,” his father declared unexpectedly. He was looking at the wall in front of him as he nodded to himself. “He really is. I can’t help but think that he must be the one.”

  


Brian frowned. Surely Jack didn’t mean that he was the one for him, did he? “The one?”

  


“Your savior,” Jack clarified calmly.

  


Brian’s lips turned upwards. “Oh...that.” He should have known Jack would have remembered Justin’s name, after having caved and told him a man named Justin was his “savior.” He had done it more to shut his father up than because he really believed in such a  notion, but  it still had been the truth, even if life wasn’t as simple as that.

  


“Is he?” Jack questioned, even if he didn’t really expect an answer from his son. Brian wasn’t known to talk freely about how he felt, and that rule applied to his father, too. So, when he didn’t respond immediately, merely raising his eyebrow instead, Jack resumed, “Nevermind… anyway, he saved me. He is a beautiful soul.”

  


“He is,” Brian agreed softly. Because really, what else could he say? “But we’re not here to talk about Justin,” he reminded his father. “I want to talk about what happened today. The reason why you left…”

  


“I know you want to,” Jack replied with a nod. “I was stupid to leave without telling anyone. I shouldn’t have left without any prior warning. That is the rule; you already told me about that.”

  


“So, why did you leave?” Brian pushed.

  


“I…” Jack began, but he stopped. Sighing, he shook his head. “Some memories are hard to deal with. When they appear in my mind, I feel like I need to be alone. And today, I don’t know why, but when I remembered _you,_ I began to walk. I just…I needed to walk.”

  


Brian swallowed. “You remembered... _me_?”

  


“Yes…” Jack revealed. “You… not Gus, but YOU.”  His eyes took on a faraway sort of look as he continued.  “You were so young; we were sitting in the middle of the bleachers, surrounded by a lot of people screaming and yelling at the players. We were watching a soccer game together?” he stated as a half-question/half-statement.  “And I was talking to you and calling you Sonny Boy...when I wasn’t screaming some nonsense to the players. I mean why was I even shouting? They couldn’t have heard me, right?” Jack frowned and shook his head as if screaming at a soccer game was absurd. It probably was for him. “I didn’t notice it before in any other memories, but in this one, I kept calling you Sonny Boy, like you do with Gus today.” Jack paused, huffing happily, a big smile on his face. “You two look so much alike. I still have a hard time understanding all of this, but… it was you. I know it was you.”

  


“It was me.” Brian confirmed. “We went to see a game once - just the two of us - when I was about seven or eight. We had a great time that day.” It was true, sort of. Brian left out the part where his father had driven to his favorite bar afterwards to meet with his bowling buddies, while he had to wait for him in the car for more than two hours before they could go back home.

  


Jack exhaled loudly. “This is _hard_ to remember…”

  


Brian didn’t say anything. He didn’t know how to respond. His chest was tightening against his will.

  


Jack continued, unaware of his son’s inner turmoil. “It’s like…being inside the head of someone else. This man…I mean I…I was doing those things. I left you there in the car to go and drink. How could he…how could _I_ do that? I just don’t understand.” Jack remembered that part, too.

  


Brian closed his eyes briefly. Of course Jack remembered the whole day, and not just the good part. It made sense. That’s perhaps why he had been upset and had left the Institute. However, Brian couldn’t let his father overthink his memories. He was sure nothing good would come out of it. So, he tried to stop his father from going any further. “Jack…”

  


But Jack knew him too well by now and he didn’t let his son interrupt him. “No, it’s okay. I know what you’re going to say. It wasn’t me; not really. I changed. I get that. But you hadn’t changed. You have just grown up, so...” Jack’s voice trailed off; it was obvious he was hesitating to question Brian about something.

  


“So what?” Brian urged, prompting him to share whatever he needed to get it off his chest.

  


“Why do you call me Jack? You never called me Jack before…” Jack seemed genuinely confused now that he could recall part of his relationship with his son; of what used to be. And he clearly remembered that Brian used to call him “Pops,” and had never referred to him as Jack, even when their past relationship had been at its worst.

  


Brian wasn’t sure how to respond to that. His father was correct, but that was before. Before Jack had killed his mother and sister, destroying his world as he knew it. Even now, Brian’s memory of the time when he had called his father “Pops” was leading his mind to relive this last night with his family, just _before_ they had been taken away from him, forever.

  


For the longest time, Brian had thought that he should have died with them. In fact, for a while, he had felt like he had, as the visions of their death had become his private hell.

  


The car accident had occurred less than a mile from their house. Five minutes after Brian had left his father yelling at him in the kitchen, he had seen him driving past while he was headed downtown on foot. Jack had slowed down, had opened his car’s window, and had cursed loudly at him, calling him a ‘ _stupid shit_ ’ and some other lovely names, but Brian had ignored him and had merely increased his pace in response. Jack had cursed some more, but had eventually given up. Meanwhile, Brian had vaguely heard Joan telling Jack not to bother with him.

  


Besides, his father had already been late for a party at his friend’s, thanks to Brian fighting with him over coming. In his anger and to spite his son, Jack had sped up suddenly, overhearing the sounds of his mother and sister protesting in the car, as the vehicle disappeared from sight around the next corner. The screeches of the car on the asphalt had come about fifteen seconds later, loud enough that Brian had heard them from a fairly considerable distance. Then a bang. And then...nothing.

  


To this day, Jack didn’t know that Brian had been there that night. Specifically, Brian hadn’t seen the accident occurring with his own eyes, but he had run to the scene as soon as he had heard the haunted sound of the tires’ screeching, even if he had already knew somehow that it was too late.

  


In retrospect, he wished he hadn’t gone there. Because the sight he was about to witness would render him insane for months.

  


He couldn’t stop from running toward the eerily silent street, though. The truth was, Brian felt like he should have been in the car. If he had not fought with his father, he would have been with them. He would have seen the look of horror in his sister’s hazel eyes, as she had whispered over and over again that she didn’t want to die like this, just before her gaze went blank, lifeless. He also would have witnessed the moment his mother had been thrown against a cellular tower and had been killed instantly.

  


Brian had never felt that icy tightening before, the one that had gripped his heart and squeezed it so hard that he had thought he would die right there. When his eyes had allowed his mind to understand what he was seeing, he had wished that he had never come; that he had been anywhere but there, alive and standing on the pavement fighting to breathe, while at the same time he knew that those he loved would never breathe again.

  


Firemen always tell you that working on to rescue victims at the scene of an accident can be really ugly. Some people don’t emerge unscarred from such scenes, even if the people involved are total strangers. And while Brian had heard stories before about such things, the words hadn’t truly expressed the real truth; it wasn’t just traumatic - it was devastating, something that most people would never understand or even endure.

  


He had seen them, their bloody bodies. There had seen so much blood that he had wanted to scream, but no sound had come out. And for a moment, a crazy thought had consumed him. He had wished that he had died, too, because it would have been easier than dealing with this vision of despair and death for the rest of his life. God, he had wanted to die so badly that night.

  


Of course, from that moment on, Brian had known without a shadow of a doubt that he would never forgive himself for this. If not for his stubborn, defiant attitude, they wouldn’t have been late, Jack wouldn’t have been so pissed, and he wouldn’t have driven like a maniac. Over the years that had followed that fateful night, all of Brian’s friends had tried to convince him that his father was the only one to blame for the death of his family, because he had taken his car after having drunk way too much. And while logically, Brian could understand the rationality behind their statements, his heart had always refused to let go of the guilt. Because ultimately, he could have stopped Jack from driving, instead of just leaving his mother and sister sitting in that car. But he hadn’t. And the haunting visions that had accompanied him ever since were his own reminder that he was as much to blame for their deaths as his father had been.

  


And now, Jack was sitting by his side, asking him why he never called him “Pops.” Brian didn’t have a clue how to respond to that question. Truthfully at the moment, he wasn’t sure of anything, except that he needed to focus and stop his mind from traveling back to that time, or he wouldn’t succeed in finishing this conversation. And Jack didn’t need any more stress today.

  


It was insane how Brian could lose control of his emotions when his father was involved. Good or bad, present and past memories with this man always reached to the very heart of Brian’s soul in a way nobody else could.

  


So, Brian took a deep breath. Then another. He tried as best he could to stop the unwanted emotions that were currently flooding his veins from taking the upper hand. He felt Jack’s gaze on him, but fortunately, his father didn’t comment.

  


“I used to call you Pops…” He eventually began, his voice slightly breaking.

  


His father gazed up at him then. Brian had no idea what Jack was seeing in him at that moment. Jack didn’t do anything at first; he just kept staring at him intently.

  


Eventually, though, he put his hand on Brian’s, squeezing it softly while his eyes never left his son’s face. Brian felt the moisture in his eyes, but he refused to let go.

  


Jack used his other hand to touch Brian’s face. “I don’t want you to call me Pops anymore,” Jack surprisingly declared, and Brian inwardly cursed when he felt a single tear running down his cheek.

  


Jack dried it silently with his thumb. “That was _his_ name. Not mine…but maybe…you could use another name for me? Maybe...Dad?” He asked as gently as possible, and for a brief moment, he wasn’t Jack anymore. He was Brian’s father, acting as every parent should with their child. Protecting him from any harm and giving him all his love.

  


Brian had trouble finding his voice again because of the lump in his throat. He hated reacting like that, feeling weak and unable to hide his feelings. And yet, one comforting thought was helping him to face it: Jack Kinney was definitely dead, and the man who had taken his place was worthy of Brian’s honesty and love; he deserved so much more than what he had to offer.

  


Consequently, the answer was an easy one. Brian cleared his throat and whispered, “Okay… _Dad_.”  The word felt awkward in a way. But it also felt good.  It felt...right.  

  


The smile on Jack’s smile had never been brighter than in this instant.

  


It would almost make Brian forget about his own haunting dreams.

  


**_End of Flashback..._ **

  


* * *

 

 

Brian drove back to the loft quietly. He seemed to be lost in thought, and Justin wondered once more what was going on in his head.

  


Fifteen minutes later, Brian pushed the door open and gazed back at Justin before entering the loft. Justin followed him, allowing his eyes to sweep around the place as he took a few steps inside. He vaguely heard Brian offering him some water as the brunet pointed to the kitchen, but he was mesmerized by what he was discovering and wasn’t really listening. He walked around the space slowly, taking in the fine lines of the furniture, the brick walls, the big windows, and the high ceilings, before heading towards the three steps heading to the central element of the place. Peering at the bed, he briefly thought it looked like an altar made for sex. In fact, the whole place screamed ‘Warning: you’ve entered the stud’s domain and he’s going to fuck you. Senseless.’

  


Justin took off his jacket and placed it on the back of the sofa while Brian went to retrieve two bottles of water from the fridge. As Brian placed them on the kitchen counter, Justin walked closer to it and couldn’t help but tease, “Your place looks just like you.” He tried to fight the smile threatening to break out on his face, but failed when he saw Brian’s expression.

  


Brian rolled his tongue into his cheek, walked around the counter, and stopped directly in front of Justin. His voice was low and smooth as he replied, “You mean it’s dangerously, incredibly, irresistibly hot and sexy?”

  


“More like a fuck pad.” Justin responded, trying to keep the grin off his face.

  


Brian stared at Justin, leaning in so closely to his face that he could feel his breath washing over his skin.  For a short moment, Justin thought that he was going to kiss him, but Brian eventually whispered sexily in Justin’s ear instead, “Glad to see that you still know me so well.” He leaned back, raising his eyebrows before adding knowingly,  “And you’re right; it’s designed for fucking.  LOTS of it.”

  


Justin was having trouble breathing. Brian’s scent was invading his every sense now, and he had to fight not to kiss the man. Why couldn’t he? Oh yeah, he was hoping for Brian to open up to him without any sex being involved, but obviously the theory was much easier than the reality. However, Justin was pretty sure that Brian would choose sex over talking about his father any time, just to avoid facing whatever he had to deal with, and Justin refused to complicate things further. Not that Justin didn’t want Brian. He wanted him badly.

  


“I need to go to the bathroom,” Justin suddenly declared, deciding to play it safe, at least for now. Brian stared back at him. He wasn’t fooled, but he didn’t try to make him change his mind, either.

  


“The bathroom’s that way,” Brian said as he pointed toward the bedroom without moving from his spot. Justin gave him a little nod before heading towards the steps, feeling the heat of Brian’s stare on him the entire time.

  


Entering, he closed the door behind him and went directly to the sink, his heart beating furiously. He turned on the water briefly to splash some cold water on his face. Looking up, he stared at his reflection in the mirror and muttered to himself, _what are you doing?_ He closed his eyes and sighed.

  


Not wanting for Brian to think he was avoiding him, he took care of his business, washed his hands, and took a deep breath before rejoining him. Exiting the bathroom, he heard the ringtone of his phone, but by the time he arrived in the living room, it had stopped. That’s when he noticed that Brian was holding his cell in his hands, his eyes glued to the lighted screen.

  


“Brian?” Justin called awkwardly, suddenly anxious. There was something in Brian’s posture that made him uneasy. He swallowed, as he waited for Brian to look up at him, but the man was still staring at the screen, even if Justin could see that it was dark by now.

  


“Brian,” he repeated as he walked closer. Brian was now staring at an invisible spot in front of him, but he still hadn’t moved. Justin didn’t know what to do, so he just stood there.

  


Eventually, Brian reached out the cellphone toward him, although he still wasn’t peering at him. Justin took it from his hands, peering down as he turned it on to see who had called him.

  


His breath caught in his throat when he saw Jesse’s name on the screen.

  


_Fuck._

  


* * *

 

 

When Brian had allowed Justin to enter his loft, he hadn’t expected to be anxious about his reaction, but he realized that he was. The loft had been his safe haven for a long time now, and even if he had considered moving out lately - mainly because he wasn’t getting any younger and he wanted to offer a real room to Gus, too - this place was important to him. He had moved in shortly after Justin had left him eight years ago, and had never regretted his decision, even if at the time he could barely afford it.

  


As he walked in, he acted as if he didn’t care what Justin thought and he walked over to the bedroom to hang up his coat before heading towards the kitchen area. Justin was walking around on a sort of ‘self-guided mini-tour,’ so Brian let him without interfering. He retrieved two bottles of water from the fridge and placed them on the counter. Justin eventually finished his inspection and headed towards him with a small smile playing on his lips, before declaring that the loft looked just like Brian. The brunet feigned to look offended, but he was relieved. Not because Justin’s opinion was all that important...or maybe it was after all.

  


Brian couldn’t help but tease Justin, enjoying how affected his companion was by his innuendos. He didn’t kiss him, although he was dying to do just that, but he had sensed a shift ever since they had left the Institute. He knew that sex wasn’t what Justin wanted now, even if he was clearly affected by Brian’s teasing. Truthfully, the sexual tension between them was hard to overlook, but Justin finally prevented them from acting on it when he declared that he had to use the bathroom.

  


Brian’s eyes stayed on Justin’s retreating form until he saw his silhouette disappearing into the bathroom. Never would he have imagined this day ending like this, with Justin by his side after having gone to successfully locate his missing father. The day had been crazy, but Brian wasn’t complaining. Even if he was having a hard time dealing with all that had happened in such a short time, Justin’s presence was more than comforting.

  


His thoughts drifted momentarily to his father. Jack’s memories were surging back seemingly out of nowhere, and at unpredictable times; but for the first time, Brian was confident that they would help his father to move on and ‘grow up.’ He had felt something different today while they had been sitting in Jack’s room, as if he _really_ had a father, someone who would do anything to protect him in that way that only a parent can. It was strange. Brian had never felt that way before.

  


The accident was still haunting him. Even after all these years, the image was embedded in his brain. Every time he and Jack talked about their past, the memory would turn into reality, making it difficult to breathe. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Brian just needed to keep breathing, until this feeling of doom returned to a more distant and detached place in his mind.

  


He hadn’t told anyone about being present at the scene of the car accident, claiming that he had gone straight to the hospital after the police had called him on his phone. No one had doubted him. Why would they? The medical team had been too busy trying to save his father to really notice he was there. Soon, a small crowd of gawkers had gathered around the car, and Brian had not uttered a single word. And when Debbie had joined him in the waiting room of the hospital, she had assumed that he had not witnessed the accident, and he hadn’t contradicted her. On the other hand, Michael and Jesse had always suspected that he was holding something back, especially after having spiralling so out of control soon after the accident, but he had never confirmed anything to Michael.

  


Jesse, though, had guessed somehow. When the accident had occurred, he and Brian hadn’t been talking to each other. They had slept together a few months earlier, and had been avoiding each other ever since. But Brian had needed his friends more than ever, and when Michael had asked Jesse for help because he didn’t know what to do to stop their friend from killing himself with sex, booze and drugs, Jesse had rushed to help him, forgetting all about their so-called falling out.

  


Back then, Brian would have done anything to stop the pain. But most of all, he wanted to stop seeing that image. The bloody, lifeless bodies. So, he allowed men to use his body. First in the backroom of Babylon. Then, he had gone to the Baths several times a day. And finally at private parties. This unhealthy spiral eventually led him to a filthy, illegal place where he could be fucked by unknown faces, and where drugs were shared like candy. He had wanted to fly; the higher, the better.

  


The second time he had gone there, Jesse had barged into the room with Michael on his heels. Brian had made the mistake of informing Michael about his activities, so he hadn’t been that surprised to see him there, trying to play the knight in shining armor.  But he had never expected to see Jesse. When Jesse had tried to reach out to him after the accident, Brian had refused his friend’s ‘pity,’ even if he realized he was being a shit to push him away again.

  


Yet, that night in this dark, sex-and-sweat smelling place, Jesse had been on a mission. He had beaten a man who wanted a piece of Brian’s ass, and had threatened every single guy in the room that he would call the cops if they ever came close to Brian again.

  


Brian had never seen Jesse that angry before. However, he had resisted, yelling at him like a petulant child, even trying to punch him in the face, only to fall flat on the floor. Before he had fully understood what had happened, Jesse and Michael had managed to grab him and drag him out of the dump.

  


That night, when the three men had returned to Debbie’s - she was thankfully working the night shift - they had carried Brian to the guest room. He had stopped complaining, too emotionally exhausted to even hide behind his usual mask, and Jesse had stayed with him while Michael had gone to his own room to allow them some privacy.

  


When Brian had started to cry, Jesse had held him for a long time, repeating again and again that he had to let them go and learn to forgive himself. Brian had confided that he couldn’t, because he was seeing them all the time, and Jesse had instinctively understood what he really meant. He had responded to Brian’s plea by holding him even tighter.

  


Brian had been lucky not to turn out HIV positive during that period in his life. It would have been the icing on the cake. An eighteen-year-old, orphaned, and positive. One thing was sure: if not for Jesse and Michael’s intervention, he would have died, one way or the other.

  


He had slowly come back to life after that, even starting college thanks to a lenient dean who had agreed to let him start using his scholarship at the end of the first semester, exactly six months after the car accident. He had worked out a schedule which had allowed him to work part-time, and had even found a good job thanks to Debbie by the summer of 1998 at the “Little Library.”

  


A few years later, Justin had entered his life and Brian had fallen in love.

  


What a life. Sometimes, Brian felt like he was a character in a fiction show. He would have certainly had some sharp words with the authors if that had turned out to be true.

  


Sitting on the bar stool of his loft, he refocused his thoughts on the present. He heard the toilet flushing, indicating that Justin would soon be returning from the bathroom. He rubbed his forehead with his right hand, and peered up when Justin’s phone started to ring. Without thinking, he stood up and went to retrieve Justin’s cell from the pocket of his jacket, intending to bring it to the blond, but as he peered down at the lighting screen, he froze.

  


He felt cold all of a sudden. The phone had just stopped ringing in his hand when he heard Justin calling for him. He didn’t move. His mind went blank.

  


He didn’t realize that he had given Justin his phone back until Justin placed his hand on his forearm. Peering at him, Brian frowned. It didn’t make sense. Justin was in touch with Jesse? How? For a short moment, Brian entertained the idea that Justin knew someone else named Jesse. But one look at his former boyfriend crushed that illusion for good.

  


“I think I have some explaining to do,” Justin murmured as he stared into Brian’s eyes, pleading silently for Brian to listen to him.

  


Brian wanted to say no, but as he looked into Justin’s concerned eyes, he couldn’t. Whatever Justin was going to reveal to him, he didn’t want to lose the emerging relationship they shared now. However, he wasn’t sure he could deal with new revelations, either. There was only so much a man could take in one day before he snapped, and furthermore Brian wasn’t known to be the best tempered man on this planet.  

  


“You’re right,” Brian replied dryly. “Why don’t you order some food while I go take a shower? I could really use one right now,” he proposed as he went to retrieve some take-out menus from his desk drawer.

  


“Sure,” Justin agreed tentatively as he grabbed the menus Brian gave him.  Without another look at him, Brian headed to the bathroom. This time it was Justin who watched the other man retreating from him.  

  


Brian closed the door behind him. At first, he just stood still, his back to the door and his jaw tight, his hand still on the handle. He had no idea how long he stayed there. He eventually undressed and entered the shower stall. He stayed under the cascade of water until it turned lukewarm, trying to shut off his brain.

  


His heart was beating faster than usual when he joined Justin in the living room. Whatever would happen now, Brian only hoped it would not destroy what he and Justin had overcome in order to restore a friendship, and to build a future.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the wait. I will hopefully be able to write the next chapter faster! Thank you for your patience :)


	24. Turning Point - Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: August / September 2005

 

**_August, 2005…_ **

 

Brian and Justin didn’t talk about their falling out again. The situation with Spencer was still tense; Brian avoided conversation anytime his name was mentioned, but he had let Justin continue to collaborate with his schoolmate on their project without interfering. Fortunately, Justin had chosen to work on his assignment with Spencer at PIFA for the first couple of weeks in August to avoid any possible confrontation. He had then taken a couple of weeks’ break to enjoy some time off.

 

Even if he hadn’t agreed with Brian’s initial reaction, and although he was still kind of pissed at him for not trusting him enough, he also knew Brian’s insecurities wouldn’t just go away overnight. He loved Brian with all his heart. It was frightening sometimes, especially when Brian pushed him so hard that he actually considered leaving. Justin refused, however, to let Brian's fear of betrayal ruin their relationship.

 

Some people thought that Justin was weak for staying. Spencer sure did. But they were wrong, so fucking wrong. Anybody who really knew Justin would never question his strength. He was a survivor; he knew what he wanted. If he was still here, still fighting, it was because he believed in a future for him and Brian. His convictions might falter from time to time - he was just human after all - but it never died.

 

More than anyone else, Brian had breathed life back into him when he had needed it the most. For all his devil-may-care attitude, Justin knew without a shadow of a doubt how deep Brian’s feelings ran. The man wanted to conceal them, convinced that he would be weak and stupid to trust people with his feelings, and that it would come back to bite him in the ass at the first opportunity. And so what? He wasn’t wrong. Justin wasn’t naive enough to think that all human beings were altruistic and loving by nature. He had experienced firsthand how fear, envy, or incomprehension could lead someone to act as if another person was just a piece of trash, something you could eradicate with the swing of a baseball bat.

 

So, maybe Justin should have confronted Brian regarding Spencer. But once his anger had dissipated, he had realized that his lover’s reaction - the man losing control over his own feelings - was truly more telling than any overt declaration of love.

 

Moreover, Justin had sensed a change the morning after their fight when Brian had made love to him, demonstrating how very much he cared about him. God, just thinking about the way Brian had touched him still made Justin’s heart beat faster. Since then, Brian had been more…Justin didn’t quite know how to describe it. But it strengthened his hope that they could make it work.

 

At least, that’s how he felt until that day in mid-September.

 

* * *

 

 

**_September, 2005, Thursday, 6:30 p.m, Brian and Justin’s Apartment…_ **

 

Justin had just come home from Carnegie when his phone rang. Peering at Spencer’s name on the screen, he took a deep breath before responding as he shuffled toward his desk and plopped himself in front of Brian’s iMac.

 

“Hello, handsome stranger,” Spencer greeted him humorously, using an inside joke the two young men shared. From the sounds coming from the other side of the phone, Spencer was apparently walking on the sidewalk somewhere; Justin could hear the typical street sounds in the background.

 

Justin shook his head with a half smile playing on his lips. “Cut the shit, Spencer. You need anything?” he asked as he clicked on the computer’s mouse, but nothing seemed to happen on the screen.

 

“Actually, I was at PIFA this afternoon, so I took the liberty of finishing the audio editing on our project,” Spencer informed his friend.

 

“You did?” Justin raised one eyebrow, shaking the mouse with his hand to try and make it work without success. “So what?  You’re calling me for compensation now? How much money do you want?” He quipped. They were supposed to present their mutual project to their professors at PIFA the following Monday, the audio editing being the last part they needed to complete their film. Justin had thought that he would have to go to the Art Institute the next day after his classes on campus, but apparently maybe he wouldn’t have to now.

 

“I’m too expensive for you; you couldn’t afford me,” Spencer teased.

 

Justin rolled his eyes, “You wish!”

 

“I sure do,” Spencer replied meaningfully, reminding Justin once again that he wasn’t concerned about hiding his true feelings. Sure, the redhead never pushed too far, but Spencer also knew that even if his beautiful schoolmate was committed to his slutty boyfriend, he liked to be wooed. Not that Justin would ever admit it, though.

 

When Justin didn’t answer, Spencer continued, “Anyway, I’m in your neighborhood, so I thought I would be magnanimous and come over there to show you the final project. You know, in case you have another tiny little detail you want to fix. _Again_ ,” he added sarcastically.

 

Justin prided himself on being a perfectionist with every work he produced. Thus, he had to silently concede that Spencer knew him well when it came to that characteristic; he considered himself lucky that his schoolmate hadn’t told him to fuck off already. “You know the devil is in the detail,” he eventually replied with a small grin. “Come on over, then. When will you get here?”

 

“I’m currently standing in front of your building, actually,” Spencer revealed just as Justin heard the buzzer ring. “I’m meeting with some guy a little later, and he lives…maybe a two-minute walk from your place? So, since I’m such a sweetheart - even if you have some difficulty realizing how lucky you are to have met me - I thought I would save you the bother of having to come all the way to PIFA.”

 

“You’re meeting with… a _guy_? Is it what you call them these days?” Justin teased playfully as he headed towards the intercom in the lobby to open the building’s door. “Wait a sec’.” He pressed on the key button. “Okay, you can come on in,” he informed Spencer as he walked over to open the door to his apartment. A second later, he could hear his friend entering the building, the sound of the main door being shut resonating throughout the stairwell.

 

The other man didn’t even wait until he could see Justin before he began to speak again.  “I will let you know that since you’ve broken my heart, I have no other choice than to find a little affection elsewhere,” Spencer joked some more as he ascended the stairs to the second floor, his voice bouncing off the wall.

 

Justin wasn’t interested in Spencer, and his friend knew it. Yet, it didn’t stop him from implying continually how he felt; although, every time Justin thought about asking him to tone it down, Spencer would suddenly stop as if he sensed he was going too far.

 

“Affection. Seriously? So _what_? You tell them to use their ‘affection’ harder and deeper so that you can feel good?” Justin joked, just as Spencer appeared in front of him.

 

Spencer responded with a smirk as he turned off his phone and put it back into his jeans’ pocket. “You know I’m mainly a top; they beg ME for my ‘delicate, extraordinary and meticulous affection,’ not the other way around; they even ask for an encore. You don’t know what you’re missing,” he boasted before walking into the apartment with a smug grin, Justin closing the door behind him. “But any time you want to find out...let me know,” he couldn’t help adding with a grin.

 

Justin huffed, laughing, “Okay, enough with your oversized ego! Time for you to stop trying to catch a fish out of your league and show me what you’ve got.”

 

“What do you mean, out of my league? I will have you know that _no one_ is out of my league. Not even you,” Spencer retorted as he stared back at Justin coldly, the sudden change in his demeanor so brief that Justin could have sworn he had imagined it. His friend eventually smiled as he retrieved a flash drive from his bag, urging him, “Come on. Take a look at our finished project.”

 

Spencer walked towards Justin and Brian’s desk and plopped himself in the office chair in front of the computer. Justin just stood still and frowned, an inexplicable feeling of anxiety surrounding him. He’d had the impression that Spencer had been hiding a part of himself ever since they had met four months ago. And there were times when his stare would make Justin really uncomfortable, like there was some unknown truth hidden in his eyes.

 

The feeling would disappear just as fast as it appeared, however. Maybe if Justin had not dismissed it as him being paranoid after his experience with Chris Hobbs, and if he had listened to Brian’s gut feeling about this man, things would have turned out differently. But right now, he didn’t know that the wheels were already in motion, and that his meeting with Spencer had already changed the course of his life.

 

So, Justin walked to sit down next to Spencer and ignored his inner voice trying to warn him. Meanwhile, Spencer put the flash drive into the USB port and tried to access it by using the mouse.

 

“Shit,” Justin cursed as he took over when he noticed that nothing was happening. He opened the mouse and pulled out the batteries. “I think they’re dead. I need to go to the store to buy some new ones. You need anything? It shouldn’t take long.”

 

“No, I’m fine. I’ll just wait for you and surf on Facebook while you’re gone or something,” Spencer responded with a shrug.

 

Justin didn’t really like the idea of leaving Spencer on his own, but he couldn’t think of a good reason to ask him to leave for such a short time, not when his schoolmate had come here to spare him an unnecessary walk to the Art Institute. “Okay. But don’t touch anything, or Brian will kill me,” Justin demanded as he stood up from his chair.

 

“He’s still not fond of me being around, is he?” Spencer questioned with a raise of his eyebrows.

 

“If you’re talking about Brian becoming your best buddy to the point where he would get a BFF tattoo with your name on his arm before flying into the sunset with you, I’m afraid it will never happen; but I’m pretty sure you won’t complain, will you?” Justin replied cynically. “But speaking of Brian, he should be home any minute now, so if he arrives before me, behave. And just…”  He hesitated, wondering just what to say, before deciding, “You know what? Just don’t say anything at all, and I’m pretty sure everything will be fine.” He made a mental note to himself that he needed to return as soon as possible. That would be the wisest course of action under the circumstances.

 

“I always knew you were an hopeless optimist,” Spencer responded with a fake smile.

 

“Seriously, Spencer. Behave and shut up,” Justin warned with a small smile and a raise of his eyebrows.

 

“Oh, God, my heart is bleeding,” Spencer quipped, holding his hand to his chest theatrically.

 

“For fuck’s sake, Spencer; cut it out!” Justin shook his head as he grabbed his keys and his wallet before heading to the door. Spencer responded by sealing his lips silently, trying hard not to grin too much. Justin rolled his eyes and walked out of the apartment.

 

* * *

 

He should have known it wasn’t a good idea to leave Spencer alone. But in his defense, he would have never imagined that a twenty-minute errand could have possibly led to the mess that it did. After all, he HAD texted Brian to warn him that Spencer was at their place. The two men were adults, and he had mistakenly assumed that during the short time he was gone they would _behave_ like adults. Or so he had thought; but apparently, Spencer had been right: he was just a hopeless optimist.

 

* * *

  

When Justin returned, Brian was alone, standing at the kitchen counter and reading his mail, still dressed in his work suit. Spencer was nowhere to be find.

 

“Where is Spencer?” Justin asked with a frown as he approached Brian, already sensing a tense vibe emanating from his boyfriend.

 

“How the fuck should I know?” Brian retorted angrily, visibly pissed. He didn’t bother to look up to greet his partner.

 

Justin could feel annoyance washing over him. Brian always got on his nerves quicker than any other man when he was acting like a dick. “Brian, you really want to do this?” He asked tiredly.

 

“Do what?” Brian finally gazed up and feigned not to understand what Justin was referring to. His fake, insufferable smile gave him away, though.

 

“Act like a selfish, unbearable asshole.” Brian’s only response was to avert his gaze as Justin stated, “I asked him to wait for me and I was gone for less than twenty minutes, so what happened? You two couldn’t act like grown-ups; is that it?” Justin was raising his voice and becoming agitated as he spoke.

 

Brian finally stared over at him. He didn’t look pleased, either. “We talked, he left. And I’m not going to apologize for it. That guy’s a fucking psycho, and it’s unfortunate you can’t see that.”

 

“Seriously?” Justin hissed. “You’re going to play the ‘you’re too stupid for your own good’ card?”

 

“I’m not playing, Justin. I don’t like him, and I don’t want him here. And I know you hate me for interfering, but I don’t trust him at all. I’m not comfortable with you hanging with him.” Brian accentuated his words by walking closer, an inscrutable look on his face.

 

Just then, Justin felt his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. He detached his gaze from Brian and peered down to read the text he’d just received from Spencer, informing him that he had ‘had to leave,’ but that he had left him the flash drive to look over their work. And that was it. There was nothing else mentioned about anything in particular that had happened with Brian.

 

Justin frowned, mulling the situation over briefly before he came to a decision. Gazing up at Brian’s face with a decisive look, he declared, “You can’t stand him; I get that.  But it’s not like you have to tolerate his company all the time. I barely see him myself, except for when we’re working on schoolwork together. But I’m not going to fuck everything up, just because you can’t deal with me having to work with other students to get my degree. That is unfair and you know it.”

 

“I’m not... ” Brian began to deny with a disapproving frown.

 

“Nevermind. It doesn’t matter,” Justin cut him off, stopping Brian from elaborating any further by raising his hand and turning to walk towards the desk in search of the flash drive. However, he didn’t find it anywhere. Sighing, he turned to look at Brian, who hadn’t moved from his spot in the middle of the living room. “Have you seen a red flash drive? I need to look over the animation project, and Spencer says that he left it here.”

 

Brian’s whole demeanor changed then. He immediately tensed, and Justin felt his heart miss a beat. _What the fuck?_

 

“Brian?” Justin repeated, dreading what his partner’s next words might be.

 

Brian gazed away and closed his eyes, a hard expression on his face. “ _Shit_. Motherfucker,” he cursed under his breath before grabbing his glass of orange juice from the counter to empty it into the kitchen sink. Then, he put his hands on the edge of the sink and leaned forward on them. He seemed furious. And guilty. Definitely guilty.

 

“Brian, what did you do?” Justin asked, but his voice sounded smaller with each word, as the realization of what Brian must have done finally dawned on him. “You didn’t…”

 

“Yes...” Brian confirmed before turning around with the now dead flash drive in his hand. “I did.”

 

“I…” Justin swallowed. This wasn’t happening. “I can’t believe this.” He shook his head and stepped back when Brian made a move with the clear intention of coming closer. He had the good sense to stop when he saw Justin’s reaction. The blond felt like punching something now. He chose to yell instead, “Why, Brian? That’s two months of work you’ve just thrown away without a second thought! For all I know, Spencer doesn’t have another copy of our work! The only other flash drive I had broke last week with my work’s backup on it; you know that!” Justin exclaimed loudly, sensing an overwhelming rage invading him. He was furious.

 

“Justin, I didn’t know! He told me...” Brian began to explain, trying to justify himself, but Justin wasn’t willing to accept a bullshit apology.

 

“I don’t fucking care _what_ he told you! You didn’t have the right, the fucking right to do that!” He shouted, before leaning back, his voice taking on a higher tone, “What were you thinking?”

 

Brian exploded, “I didn’t know it was your project! Do you really think I would jeopardize your work like that?”

 

Justin retorted with a shrug, “I don’t know, Brian! You tell me! Because from where I’m standing, it seems you’re brainless when it comes to Spencer. You didn’t hesitate to ruin our work just to get back at him, for fuck’s sake!”

 

Brian finally snapped, his voice and his usual mask of indifference slightly breaking.  “Can’t you see who he really is? He wants you! And he would do _anything_ to have you!”

 

Justin huffed. He couldn’t _hear_ Brian anymore, too consumed by his own rage to really listen to what his lover was trying to warn him about. “And so? At least, he doesn’t deny it every time someone dares to ask him if he would fight for me!”

 

Brian leaned back as if he had been slapped in the face. He then shook his head before gesturing impulsively with his right hand, “Come on, Justin, it’s not who I am!”

 

“Don’t I know it...” Justin retorted immediately, making Brian react by walking toward him.

 

“Justin,” Brian pleaded, urgently needing his lover to look at him, to _listen_ to him.

 

Yet, Justin couldn’t. He _couldn’t_. Thus, he decided to say out loud what he had never said to anyone, least of all to Brian. “A man like him would be the easiest solution. Someone that wants me, ONLY me, and who wouldn’t have to go and fuck everything that moves before coming home to me. Someone who doesn’t think that being with one person is an abomination…” Justin could feel the moisture in his eyes, all his frustration coming up to the surface at once; he had to close his eyes to stop himself from losing it.

 

He felt the tears finally escaping, but he didn’t care. He needed to add one last truth. “But you know the worst part in this? I’d still choose YOU…Because I fucking _love_ you, you prick!”

 

Even if he was crying in the middle of their apartment - which he hated himself for doing - the tears made him feel surprisingly strong. As he peered over at his lover, he realized that he had never seen Brian looking at him like that before. He seemed…scared out of his mind. So much so that for a brief second, Justin almost wanted to forget, to take his lover in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But the feeling passed, and Justin just stepped back again.

 

“Justin, wait!” Brian tried, but Justin shook his head.

 

“No,” Justin cut him off firmly. “I need some air. I need…” He rubbed his face dry and gazed up at Brian one last time, “Don’t wait for me,” he announced, before grabbing his jacket and walking out of the door.

 

* * *

 

Brian stood there, unable to move, a painful knot forming in his throat.

 

He couldn’t believe that his efforts had gone to shit so fast. When he had parked his car in the apartment’s garage after his workday, he had received a text from Justin informing him that his stupid schoolmate was at their place while the blond had to go out for a short while. Sure, Brian had not been really pleased, but he had never expected for Spencer to play him like that. Because, yes, for all his smartness, Brian had been played masterfully, and he had never seen it coming.

 

He was scared shitless. He had finally realized why he had reacted so strongly to Spencer the first time he had seen him. One might have called it a hint, a gut feeling, or some other shit, but the truth was, he knew.

 

Spencer was dangerous. And he needed for Justin to realize it, or he would possibly lose him.

 

Feeling he needed to act quickly, Brian finally came out of his trance and went to retrieve his phone from the pocket of his suit’s jacket. Several seconds later, he heard Jesse’s voice answering his phone.

 

“I need your help,” he simply stated as he impatiently waited for his friend’s response.

 

“I’m on my way,”

 

* * *

 

**_Flashback, Thirty Minutes Earlier..._ **

 

When Brian entered the loft, Spencer was sitting at his desk and didn’t look up from the computer screen. Apparently, being polite and actually greeting his host wasn’t on his agenda, and Brian couldn’t resist the opportunity to taunt him.  

 

The brunet put his briefcase on the floor and took off his suit jacket, placing it carefully on one of the kitchen stools, before addressing Spencer disdainfully, “You really need to improve your social skills. Your mother never taught you that saying hello to the man whose chair your flat ass is sitting on was the polite thing to do?”

 

Spencer didn’t even acknowledge Brian. He acted as if the man were bothering him, raising his finger to order him to stay quiet.

 

Brian was about to tell him to fuck off when Spencer finally gazed up at him with a pointed stare, “This is almost funny coming from you, the idiot who treats his boyfriend like a juicy piece of meat,” he declared, finishing his statement with a sadistic grin.

 

Brian glared at him. “Don’t presume you know anything about me or Justin. You don’t know shit, so back off.”

 

Spencer merely laughed at Brian’s intimidating expression. “You don’t scare me, Brian.”

 

Brian retorted with a raise of his eyebrow. “It’s not me you should be scared of. And if you think Justin can be told what to do, you’re dead wrong.”

 

Spencer snickered, standing up from his chair and walking closer to where Brian was standing. “So, you’re implying that if he wanted to leave you, you would let him?”

 

Brian couldn’t help but ask himself how Justin could be friends with this insufferable prick. His angry stare didn’t falter as he confirmed, “He is free to do what makes him happy. Always has been, always will be. But I’m sure this is a concept your narrow-minded brain cannot understand.”

 

Spencer barked out a laugh. “You really believe that you make him happy? That’s what you’re saying to me? Oh, please…if that is what you think, you’re even stupider than I thought.”

 

Brian could feel himself losing patience. He wanted to strangle this pretentious son of a bitch. “My relationship with him is none of your fucking business,” he snarled with a murderous glare.

 

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Spencer coldly answered.

 

His stare changed then, and Brian had a sudden, bad feeling creeping over him. There was something in Spencer’s gaze that made him uneasy, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he couldn’t stand Justin’s schoolmate. All of a sudden, he felt a brief chill traveling down his spine as his eyes kept boring into Spencer’s. The man seemed aware of his threatening posture, but it was like he was playing with Brian, and that he knew exactly what he was doing; like a lion ready to swallow his prey.

 

Brian could have sworn that Spencer was gloating as he responded, his lips turning upwards, “Justin _is_ my business. I can give him what he craves for, unlike you. And if you think I’m going to give up on him, think again. And you know the best part? All I have to do is wait. Patience…” he paused and took a step closer,  “...is a virtue. Isn’t it great?” He shook his head in wonder, a little smile playing on his lips, before gazing back at Brian, the smile disappearing from his face.  “Because you’re going to fuck up; it’s inevitable. And when that day comes, I’ll be there. And I can assure you that when I take Justin to my bed, I will be deep inside his ass, with him begging me to fuck him deeper and better than you have ever done. You’ll be gone. _Forever_.” He finished his sentence with a pointed, icing glare.

 

“Get out of here,” Brian ordered harshly, rage consuming him.

 

Spencer just smiled at him almost warmly, as if the last two minutes had never happened. “Of course. I wouldn’t want to abuse your hospitality.” He turned in the direction of the door, taking a step before turning back again, raising his hand to indicate he had forgotten something. Predictably, he headed to the desk to get his bag, before adding smugly, “I left a flash drive on your desk. It’s a file with a couple of personal things on it; it’s for Justin.”

 

“OUT!” Brian yelled as he rushed toward the man, effectively pushing him towards the door. He threw him out and shut the door in his face. “And don’t ever come back, you fucking, nutcase, piece of shit!” He yelled some more, before rubbing his face nervously with his hands.

 

He was fuming. He walked over to his desk and pressed “Enter” on the keyboard to turn on the screen of the computer. There was a photo of a smiling Spencer on display. Astounded by the man’s nerves, Brian deleted it and checked the rest of the files, before turning off the iMac.

 

Peering down at the desk, his eyes landed on a red flash drive and Spencer’s words came back to him.

 

_Personal things. For Justin._

 

He grabbed the flash drive and went to the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he retrieved a orange juice bottle and poured some into an empty glass that had been drying by the sink before promptly dropping the flash drive in it and watching it slowly drop down to the bottom of the glass.

 

**_End of flashback..._ **

 

* * *

 

**_Aaron’s Condo, Thirty Minutes Later..._ **

 

Jesse had spent two months in Europe before coming back at the beginning of September. Now that he was here, he was planning on staying for at least six months before accepting a two-year mission in Asia. Thus, in the meantime, he had resumed his job at his former agency, the one where he had done his internship before leaving for his first assignment almost two years ago.

 

Since his return, he had seen Aaron several times. Nothing had happened between the two men since they had reconnected, but Jesse could feel his vow to avoid any sexual relationship with his former lover waning just a little more with each of their encounters.

 

Moreover, Aaron was acting like the perfect guy. The man had even accompanied him to a dinner with the gang a week ago. The fact that he had offered to join Jesse was quite revealing, considering the older man had never bothered in the past. After the dinner, Jesse had encouraged his friends to share their opinion about Aaron, and they had agreed that he seemed sincere. Even Brian had stopped judging him at every opportunity, merely acknowledging that he was still an asshole - but not as bad anymore.

 

However, Jesse was still indecisive. After all, he would be gone in six months, so what was the point in starting a relationship when he already knew the outcome would probably be devastating for both of them? And yet, he couldn’t help feeling a tiny glimmer of hope that they could find a way to make it work, even if it seemed to be a hopeless wish.

 

Unsurprisingly, he was at Aaron’s when Brian called him. The two men had been planning to go out, but now Jesse needed to cancel his plans.

 

Jesse might have been away for the last two months, but Michael had kept him updated on the Spencer debacle from late July, as well as the honeymoon phase Brian and Justin had been in ever since. Jesse, too, had noticed firsthand how happy his two friends always seemed to be whenever he had seen them lately, so now he wondered what Brian’s phone call was about. But no matter what, from simply the tone of his friend’s voice he could tell that something was definitely wrong.

 

“I need to go,” he announced, standing up from where he had been sitting on the couch next to Aaron.

 

“Trouble in paradise?” Aaron asked, Jesse having specified who was calling before picking up his phone. The younger man had also confided in him about “Brian and Justin’s romance;” therefore, he was aware that Jesse’s friends had gone through a hard time in their relationship a couple of months ago, even if they had seemed to be more than fine the last time he had seen them.

 

“The truce might be over. Whatever happened, it seems pretty serious.” Jesse revealed, grabbing his jacket.

 

“That bad, huh?” Aaron stood up so as followed Jesse to the apartment door.

 

“Yeah. Brian asking for help is solid proof that something is seriously wrong,” Jesse replied with a concerned expression on his face.

 

Aaron came closer to him and raised his hand to graze Jesse’s neck. “They’ll be okay. You always tell me you don’t know two persons more in love than them, even if Brian _is_ clueless about how obvious he is to read.”

 

Aaron’s touch on his neck sent a shiver down his spine. Jesse couldn’t help but lean in when Aaron eventually caressed his face before dropping his hand to his side. “Yeah,” He breathed out before saying with a deeper voice, his heart beating faster, “I hope you’re right. I’ll call you later, okay?”

 

Aaron nodded. “Good luck,” He replied, watching Jesse walking away before he softly closed the door behind him. .

 

* * *

 

**_One hour later, Woody’s…_ **

 

Jesse had gone to Justin and Brian’s apartment, listening to Brian’s concern about Spencer; his friend was unable to hide his fear of losing Justin. This was the first time Jesse had ever seen this side of Brian, and it was quite revealing in light of how much the two men had gone through already.

 

Brian had asked him to find Justin and talk to him, because he knew he couldn’t do that himself. Justin was too blinded by his own anger to listen to him.

 

So Jesse had started at Woody’s, but Justin wasn’t there. He didn’t want to spend the night looking for him, though, so he tried to call him, but naturally, Justin didn’t pick up. Afterward, Jesse called him three other times, and when he was sent straight to voicemail again the third time, he decided to text his friend, typing on his phone “PERSONAL EMERGENCY. Call me ASAP,”  A desperate Brian called for desperate measures.

 

It worked. Justin called back right away, and Jesse bullshitted him when the blond asked him if Brian was involved. Jesse denied it, claiming that he needed to see him urgently and convincing him to meet him at Woody’s.

 

Twenty minutes later, Jesse was sitting on a bar stool - two shots of Beam lined up in front of him - when Justin came in, a guarded expression harboring his facial features. His gaze sweeping around the place, Jesse saw the exact moment his friend spotted him. Justin didn’t move at first, and the brunet briefly wondered if he was going to turn around and leave. But Justin eventually made his way to the bar, and leaned his elbows on the counter.

 

“Have a seat,” Jesse urged, pushing back the stool next to him in order to allow Justin to sit down.

 

Justin hesitated for a few moments, but finally gave in. Jesse silently offered him the second shot of Beam. The blond took it and stared at the liquid spinning in the glass as he slowly moved his hand in a circle.

 

“Brian called me.” Jesse revealed, choosing to get straight to the point.

 

Justin responded with a snort, and gulped his drink in one go, before raising his hand to ask for a refill. Jesse peered at him, inwardly questioning why Michael had to be out of town this week, leaving him alone to deal with two drama queens.

 

When Justin didn’t respond, Jesse declared, “Spencer is playing you. Both of you.”

 

Hearing those words, Justin began to stand up with the obvious intention of leaving. “Listen, I don’t know what bullshit story Brian served you, but...”

 

Jesse grabbed his arm and stared at Justin impatiently, effectively capturing his attention. He paused, his green eyes boring into blue ones, and finally raised his eyebrows, a decisive look on his face, “Now you’re going to listen to me, Justin; because when my best friend calls me, telling me that he doesn’t want to lose you, but most of all indicating that he’s afraid that this guy you’re working with could hurt you, I’m sorry, but I can’t stay away and let you be pissed at Brian without even listening to what he has to say in his defense.”

 

Justin held Jesse’s stare for a few more seconds before giving in and sitting down again. “By all means, go ahead,” He intoned, his voice a mixture of annoyance, anger, and defeat.

 

Jesse took a deep breath before asking, “How is your relationship with Spencer?”

 

Justin responded with a frown. “What do you mean?”

 

“I don’t know. Has he ever tried anything?” Jesse questioned.

 

Justin shook his head, his eyes boring through the amber-colored liquid in his glass. “No. I mean, he likes me, and he doesn’t hide it. And there are times when he is… I don’t know. Off, maybe? But I don’t see what that has to do with Brian acting like the ultimate asshole.”

 

“Spencer implied the flash drive contained personal stuff. For you,” Jesse revealed. “Just after warning Brian that he was going to lose you to him.”

 

“And?” Justin replied tiredly. Jesse could see he was having a hard time coping with what Brian had done, and that his unemotional reaction to his statement further confirmed to him that Spencer’s attraction toward Justin was NOT mutual.  

 

Nevertheless, Jesse needed to clarify Spencer’s intentions if he wanted Justin to change his mind regarding Brian. “He did it on purpose. He _wanted_ Brian to destroy the flash drive.”

 

Justin huffed, gazing up at Jesse for the first time since the brunet had begun their conversation. “You’re telling me Spencer organized the whole thing? That he manipulated Brian in order to provoke a fight between us?” he questioned, the tone of his voice indicating his incredulity.

 

Jesse nodded. “Brian thinks so.”

 

“That’s ridiculous,” Justin stated firmly. “How could Spencer have predicted that he would be alone with Brian in the first place? Or that Brian would destroy the flash drive?”

 

“Maybe he just saw an opportunity and took advantage of it,” Jesse volunteered.

 

“You really think so? You don’t even know him! How can you be sure that Brian isn’t just trying to find a way out of this mess, and that he’s just choosing Spencer to blame for his own stupid, careless behavior?” Justin countered.

 

“Justin,” Jesse responded quietly, placing his hand on his friend’s arm. “Since when does Brian not take responsibility for his own shit? He might have a lot of faults, but lying to avoid responsibility for his actions has never been one of them. Do you really think he would have begged me to talk to you if he had purposely wanted to ruin your work just because of Spencer? He might have overreacted and realized that he shouldn’t have done what he did; but he’s convinced that Spencer did it on purpose, and that there’s something wrong with him. And he’s scared shitless of losing _you_ , too.” Jesse needed for Justin to realize that Brian would have never lied about such a huge mistake just to get out of a situation. If Brian had purposely disregarded Justin’s feelings by destroying the flash drive, he wouldn’t have tried to blame Spencer. And he certainly wouldn’t have called Jesse.

 

Justin stared at Jesse. The brunet could see the exact moment Justin understood what he was implying. He gazed away, his line of vision stopping on an invisible point on the counter. “Shit. You’re right...”

 

Jesse nodded. He was relieved that Justin was finally letting his anger go so he could see the whole picture.

 

“But why would Spencer want Brian to ruin our work? It doesn’t make any sense! He’s as screwed as I am if we lose it! The presentation is on Monday,” Justin explained, trying to understand why Spencer would risk his degree just to break him and Brian apart.

 

“Have you contacted Spencer yet? Have you asked him if he had made another copy?” Jesse questioned. It would be a plausible explanation.

 

“No,” Justin admitted with a frown. “Fuck! I didn’t even think about doing that.” He rubbed his face nervously, and shook his head.

 

“You should check on it. I would bet good money that he has,” Jesse replied firmly.

 

Justin sighed as he raised his glass. “Two more,” he told the bartender, who poured him another shot of Beam. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back before downing the drink in one shot.

 

Jesse looked at him sideways before finishing his refill as well. He was hopeful that Justin would do what he had to, and that his friends wouldn’t have to deal with any more complications.

 

He didn’t know, however, that the consequences of his intervention would be disastrous. For _all_ of them.

   


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is divided in two parts, this one being the first one.  
> I want to thank Eureka1, and Annie Eliza for their help.  
> and of course, the best beta I could ever dream of, Kim, aka Predec2.


	25. Turning Point - Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: September / October 2005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains lots of sex (Bottom Brian) and violence

 

**_Thursday night…_ **

  


Justin said goodbye to Jesse and left Woody’s around midnight. He still had a hard time processing what his friend had implied regarding Spencer. In addition, even if it was true, it didn’t excuse Brian’s behavior. But the fact that Spencer might have deliberately used his weakness to provoke a reaction with Brian didn’t sit well with him, either. What kind of man did that, creating troubles in a friend’s relationship? Were they even friends? Or did Spencer’s crush on him hide something else?

  


Whatever the answers, Justin needed to confront Brian. So he caught the first cab he found and headed back home.

  


When he entered the apartment, the place was plunged into darkness. A silhouette was standing by the window, the smell of a cigarette lingering in the air.

  


Justin stood just inside the doorway and stared at Brian’s back for several seconds. He was sure the other man had heard him entering their home, but his lover hadn’t acknowledged him yet. Softly he walked across the room and stopped by Brian’s side, his gaze focused on the light of the street lamp peeking through the window.

  


He felt Brian shifting next to him, but he didn’t move.

  


Brian’s low voice finally broke the silence. “I shouldn’t have destroyed the flash drive.”

  


Justin peered over at him. Brian’s face was illuminated by the dim light emanating from outside. His face reflected a special glow as he kept staring away and into the night.

  


Brian eventually stared back at Justin and blinked. He pinched his lips and swallowed before stating softly, “I don’t want to lose you. Not when I’ve fought so fucking hard for you to stay with me in the first place.”

  


Justin felt a knot forming in his throat, the imperceptible vulnerability he could hear in Brian’s voice making his chest tighten painfully. The brunet rarely confided in anyone regarding how much Justin meant to him. Looking back, he couldn’t remember a time when Brian had ever told him something like this before.

  


Justin closed his eyes, almost wincing for several seconds, to stop the unexpected, conflicted emotions that were rushing through him and filling him with love, but also confusion. He should have been angry, or at least annoyed at Brian right now, but at this instant, Brian’s confession overwhelmed him completely.

  


“Justin…” Brian called out to him, as he turned his body to face the younger man without coming too close to him.

  


Justin blinked and finally looked up at Brian. One could almost feel the invisible, palpable tension as the two men stared intently at each other. Brian stood still, but as he waited for Justin to acknowledge his statement, his eyes were moving restlessly.

  


Justin peered down briefly, before gazing up with a decisive look. He finally found his voice back to affirm, “I’m not going anywhere. But you need to _trust_ me, Brian.”

  


“I do trust you,” Brian replied immediately, the tone of his voice not leaving any doubt as to his sincerity.

  


“Do you? Really?” Justin inquired, his eyebrows rising. From the expression on Brian’s face, he knew his lover meant every word he said; but he still had a hard time accepting what had happened between Brian and Spencer earlier in the evening.

  


“Yes.” Brian responded firmly with a nod. “Yes, I do. But I don’t trust HIM.” A hard gleam appeared in his gaze as he recalled the earlier events.

  


“Brian…” Justin began, ready to defend his point of view, but Brian cut him off before he had a chance to continue.

  


“Justin.” Brian’s voice showed how deadly serious he was. “I know who I am. I have no problem whatsoever with being called an asshole, or a heartless bastard who doesn’t care about hurting people’s feelings when they’re too fucking stupid to think with their own mind, but prefer, instead, to hide between brainless stereotypes, rather than deal with their own shit.” Brian paused, letting his words sink into Justin’s mind, before continuing, “But I’ll be damned if I let a man like him try to take you away from me, when I can feel in my gut that he’s not who you think he is.”

  


“What are you trying to say?” Justin asked with a frown.

  


Brian’s stare didn’t falter. “I don’t want to lose you. I _don’t_.  But, we’re free, Justin. Free gay men in our twenties, with our life ahead of us; and no one, not you, not me, not anyone can predict what’s going to happen tomorrow. You can’t promise me that you will be there for me forever, and I can’t promise you that, either.”

  


Brian smiled almost sadly, and Justin thought for a short moment that he wasn’t going to elaborate any further, but he was wrong. The brunet took a deep breath as his smile disappeared from his face, “And you know what? It doesn’t matter. Because if you’re there, if I’m here, right here, right now, that’s all that matters. You...me...US. We are where we’re meant to be, and with whom we want to be with,” Brian stated with conviction. “If one day it all goes to shit, then I won’t have any regrets. I _can’t_ have any regrets when it comes to you,” he concluded, unable - or unwilling - to hide the edge, the slight crack in his voice, as he implied that nothing should be taken for granted. There was _always_ a possibility that life could break them apart in some indefinite future; all they could do was fight against the odds and cherish what they shared for as long as possible.

  


Justin was having trouble breathing. It was so unusual for Brian to confide in him like this; and even if most people wouldn’t understand that Brian’s speech was actually the most sincere declaration of love that he could give to another man, Justin knew. Spencer’s attempts at breaking them apart, as subtle as they had been, had actually had an unexpected outcome. Brian had chosen to fight for Justin, instead of letting his fears win.

  


Consequently, Justin’s response was an easy one. “I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

  


Brian stayed immobile for several moments and stared at Justin so intently that it caused his heart to beat furiously as a result. Then, Brian approached him and engulfed him in a tight hug. He leaned in and whispered softly in Justin’s ear, “Neither am I.”

  


Brian’s warm breath against his skin made Justin shiver; he couldn’t stop himself from hugging the brunet tighter, his fingers soon sliding languorously through his hair.

  


Meanwhile, all Brian could think of was that he was addicted to Justin; to his smell, to the feeling of his body in his arms, to his touch. Fuck, would this feeling of possessiveness ever fade?

  


Brian pulled back slightly and placed his right hand on Justin’s face, causing the younger man to stare back at him. The deafening silence - its intensity - contrasted with the overwhelming desire rapidly invading their bodies. They had always craved each other’s touch, and could never ignore it, not since that night on the roof of Emmett’s apartment when they’d finally let their guard down. Brian would have never thought that another man could give him such pleasure, making him want more, always more. In addition, sexual release took on a whole new meaning when you knew another man’s body almost better than your own.

  


As for Justin, no other man’s touch or sexual expertise could ever compare with Brian’s.  Brian was like a decadent indulgence; a hot, burning flame that could never be extinguished. Nor would he want to.

  


Electricity flooded the air as their breathing increased without either of them moving. A few more seconds passed before Brian finally grabbed Justin by the back of his neck to plaster his lips forcefully against his.

  


The touch wasn’t sweet or gentle. The kiss reflected their hunger for one another as they lost all sense of self-control, their tongues invading and probing while their hands fought frantically to remove far too many clothes.

  


Justin’s shirt landed on the floor, soon followed by Brian’s. Hands slid inside pants and underwear, hurriedly exposing warm, naked skin. Brian was consumed by his lust. His tongue was aggressively invading Justin’s mouth while his fingers were gripping as much skin as he could. His dick was trapped, begging to be released. He couldn’t wait anymore, so he grabbed Justin’s hand to put it on his own cock. He moaned as his lover gave it a squeeze in response, a sigh of relief escaping his lips as Justin pulled his pants and underwear down so his cock could spring free from its constraints.

  


Brian moved with a determined purpose now. He grabbed both of Justin’s wrists and removed the blond’s pants with one hand before sliding his other around Justin’s waist to grip his companion’s hard cock. He half-caressed, half-stroked it a few times, and finally - when Justin began to wantonly rub against his palm - he trapped the blond’s shaft against his own.

  


Justin moaned loudly in his mouth. Brian broke the kiss to look at the blissful expression on his lover’s face as both their cocks moved against each other, their desire escalating. Brian’s cock grew harder with each subsequent moan that escaped Justin’s lips, and the rapturous look on his beautiful face caused him to increase his pace.  

  


The sight in front of him, the pleasure he was feeling, all of it was exquisite torture, and Brian could feel the tingling in his balls signaling that his orgasm was drawing closer. He needed to stop if he wanted to have a chance to bury his cock inside Justin, to mark him with his thrusts, to make him remember what they meant to each other.

  


But it was so hard to slow down. Justin’s face was so compelling, and when the blond suddenly freed one of his hands to place it on their dicks, it caused a new rush of pleasure to course through them. Justin peered down, his eyes dark with lust, as he watched the head of their cocks rhythmically appearing and disappearing inside the tight channel as they fucked each other in sync, breathing hard.

  


Justin gazed up, his eyes boring into Brian’s. The look of pleasure on Justin’s face was too much for the brunet, who couldn’t stop himself from thrusting erratically a couple more times before he finally cried out loudly, spurts of come surging from his cock, as he succumbed to the wonderful sensations only an orgasm - and Justin - could provide.

  


Justin felt Brian’s cock pulsing against his own, both their hands soon being covered with warm come, and it was his turn to reach orgasm, his ears full of Brian’s beautiful grunts of pleasure, his eyes feasting on Brian’s blissful expression.

  


Both men fell to the floor, Brian’s head resting on Justin’s shoulder.

  


“Fuck!” Brian eloquently reacted when he felt good enough to form a coherent thought.

  


“Actually, I’m pretty sure we didn’t reach the ‘fuck’ part yet,” Justin responded with a bright grin.

  


Brian looked up mischievously and chuckled. He playfully pushed Justin onto his back, soon half-covering him as he started to caress him again. “That’s a _real_ crime.”

  


“It is. We should remedy that felony, don’t you think?” Justin asked, amused.

  


“Oh yeah… but I need to clean you up first,” Brian drawled, an impish gleam in his eyes, before going down on Justin again.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, they moved to the couch a couple of feet away, Justin soon lying once more on his back.

  


Justin had the impression that Brian’s tongue was everywhere at once. Brian was taking his time, licking his way leisurely toward Justin’s cock, erasing the traces of their earlier orgasms from his chest, his stomach and his hips. Anywhere but his dick, causing him to groan in frustration.

  


Justin wanted to grab Brian’s hair. He wanted his lover to take him in his mouth, or he feared he would go crazy. He wanted to move, but Brian had grabbed his wrists on either side of his body and was effectively pinning him down on the couch as he continued to explore every inch of Justin’s skin thoroughly.

  


“Jesus Christ, Brian…” Justin cursed, and then he cursed some more when he felt Brian chuckle, his lips vibrating against his skin just to the side of his neglected cock, which was now hard as a rock. He wanted to whimper, or even worse, to beg Brian to blow him, rim him, fuck him; _anything_.

  


He knew Brian was enjoying this immensely. It was his way to apologize for the mess he had created earlier. By his touch, he wanted Justin to know that he would make this right.

  


Well, Justin was hearing him loud and clear.

  


Justin arched his back, but Brian stopped his ministrations. He pushed his way up Justin’s body, almost covering him, except for the fact that he purposely didn’t touch Justin, balancing his weight on his elbows and barely brushing against him instead. He leaned closer to Justin’s ear and purred, “Patience, little boy…” before breathing deeply several times in a row, his breath tingling Justin’s neck and turning him on even more.

  


Justin was actually wondering if he would come like this, as waves after waves of pleasure coursed through his body, merely provoked by Brian’s husky voice and breath, as well as his light caresses.

  


“You’re so responsive,” Brian murmured, making Justin’s breath catch in his throat. He finally released one of his hand and Justin immediately grabbed Brian’s neck to force his lips against his. Brian resisted at first, but Justin was on a mission and was determined to not let him escape.

  


“So fucking hot,” Brian breathed out before caving in and responding fully to Justin’s desire, kissing him deeply. Of course, the moment he gave in to Justin’s wishes, the foreplay was over. Brian’s body boldly blanketed his companion’s, and they both relished in the friction created by skin on skin.

  


Justin reached blindly for Brian’s dick, which was trapped between their bodies, and enveloped it with his hand. He stroked it a few times, maneuvering Brian at the same time to make him understand what he wanted. Brian didn’t need any more encouragement, as he, too, headed for Justin’s cock, and positioned his own in front of Justin’s lips, with one foot on the floor while his knee rested on the other side of Justin’s head.

  


They sucked each other’s cocks, both men twisting their hips to increase the blissful sensations a hot, wet mouth could provide. Brian alternated between licking the shaft and sucking Justin’s entire cock, while Justin licked Brian’s tip and massaged his balls with his hands. Hearing Brian moaning and feeling his lips vibrating around his shaft, Justin’s brain shut off as he pushed Brian, making his lover place his other knee on the couch with his ass just above Justin’s head.

  


Justin spread Brian’s cheeks apart and began to slowly lick his balls and the skin just behind them. Brian paused, stopping to blow his lover, but he didn’t discourage Justin, however. On the contrary, he moaned louder when Justin took his silence as a clue to continue, and moved his tongue up Brian’s ass, finally tasting him where he really wanted to.

  


“Do it,” Brian breathed out, as he lashed once again onto Justin’s cock in response to his lover’s ministrations.

  


Fuck, the sensations were incredible. Justin rimmed Brian fervently, controlling the movements of his own hips in order not to come as his cock slid up and down between Brian’s lips. The pleasure he was feeling was almost too much to bear, but still he resisted, because what he wanted most of all was to be inside Brian when he came.

  


Justin topping Brian was a rare occurrence. It happened, though, from time to time, but usually, Justin wanted Brian inside of him, not the other way around. Right now, though, he yearned to be inside his lover.

  


And from Brian’s uncontrolled grunts as Justin began to fuck him with his tongue, the blond could tell that Brian wanted it badly, too. After a few seconds, he was actually pushing against him, nonverbally but eagerly asking for more.

  


To confirm his suspicions, Justin pushed a finger inside along with his tongue, and Brian’s groans grew even louder, and he stopped sucking Justin. The blond was actually grateful, because rimming Brian was a real turn on, and his lover sucking his cock was way too dangerous if he wanted to keep some self-control and do it right.

  


Justin pushed another finger in, preparing Brian as gently as he could. He took his time, willing his own body to cool down so that he wouldn’t come just from fingering his lover.

  


“Justin, I can’t...Ahh, fuck!” Brian called out loudly, the blond being too lost in the pleasure he was giving to realize his lover was actually on the verge of coming himself. Justin paused, allowing Brian to slow his breathing down enough to verbalize his wish coherently. “Fuck me now, or let me come...”

  


Justin withdrew his fingers carefully. “Shhh… Not yet,” he commanded before moving from underneath Brian’s body.

  


“You’re going to be the death of me,” Brian moaned as he collapsed onto the couch. “My cock is as hard as steel, and my balls are ready to explode,”

  


“Not without me inside of you...” Justin purred as he leaned over to grab a condom and some lube lying on top of the coffee table.

  


Brian was gazing sideways at him, his eyes darkened with lust as Justin rolled a condom onto his cock. Their gaze locked then, a silent message of trust passing between them, just before Brian moved his hand to grab a pillow. He was about to put it under his hips when Justin stopped him.

  


“I want to see you,” Justin whispered.

  


Brian stared back at Justin, not moving at first.

  


“Please,” Justin added softly. He grazed the crack of Brian’s ass with his finger, making Brian huff slightly.

  


“Well, since you asked so nicely,” Brian finally replied before turning around onto his back, a small smirk firmly in place.

  


“And it will _feel_ so nice in a few minutes, too,” Justin promised with a grin as he climbed back on the couch and bent Brian’s right leg so his ankle came to rest on his hip.

  


Both their grins disappeared, however, as soon as they felt Justin’s hard cock at Brian’s opening, not trying to gain entry, but just hovering there, enjoying this moment; the one when the connection between the two men - their trust and their love for each other - filled the air.

  


Their eyes didn’t leave one another. Brian gasped when Justin began to push slightly inside, teasing his lover by not quite penetrating him, but trying to make him want him even more. For several seconds, Justin just moved his hips in circle, a little harder every time, but not hard enough.

  


Brian was going crazy; he wanted Justin’s cock so much, that he started pushing against him, forcing his cock inside of him. Justin tried to resist, but he wanted it so much that he finally gave in and decisively pushed inside.

  


Both men gasped loudly when Justin thrust inside. Brian felt the pain, but Justin waited for him to adjust, taking advantage of the pause to will his body to hold on. Brian’s channel was so hot, so tight, that he didn’t know if he would be able to last or not.

  


He was encouraged to keep going when he felt Brian’s hand on his hip, urging him to continue.

  


Once he was fully embedded inside - skin to skin - they stared at each other, and Brian _smiled,_ a real, blissful smile. Justin felt an overwhelming feeling of love consuming him, and he leaned forward to capture his lover’s lips with his own. Brian fervently responded to his kiss as he started to fuck himself slowly on his lover’s cock, silently telling Justin that he was ready for more.  He broke off his kiss as he panted out hoarsely, “Fuck me,” before claiming Justin’s lips again.

  


Justin complied. He couldn’t do anything else. He pulled out and pushed inside again, feeling another wave of bliss running inside him. He did it again. And again, each time harder and more urgent.

  


But truthfully, Brian was the one in control, the one who was pushing against him, gripping Justin’s ass to force his cock back harder inside of him, biting Justin’s neck, licking Justin’s skin. Justin could barely hold on, responding to Brian’s demand by pounding harder inside him, over and over again, Brian’s cock trapped between them.

  


Way too soon, Justin’s thrusts became shorter. He couldn’t last, not when Brian suddenly grabbed the back of his neck to force him to stare intently into his eyes, the obvious pleasure he was experiencing written all over his face. “Look at me, Sunshine...look at...what you do... to me,” he breathed out raggedly.

  


Justin thought he would come right here, right now. It was as if his lover was looking deep into his soul. Justin was about to lose it, but fortunately Brian closed his eyes, his facial features reflecting all the delight Justin was giving him. He was about to come.

  


So Justin changed his angle and kept thrusting harder, deeper, knowing exactly what would follow: the signs, the feel, the sounds of his lover coming untouched. Watching Brian, knowing he was the cause of this, Justin wanted to let go so badly. He was so close.

  


At last, Brian cried out, his face turning into a mask of pure bliss. Justin watched, fascinated, as Brian came without even stimulating his cock, except for the rubbing their joined bodies had previously created.

  


Justin felt his lover ejaculating between them, felt the tight channel constricting around his dick, and he let go with a shout, his orgasm overwhelming him. He thrust one more time and then stilled, feeling his cock pulsing deep inside Brian.  At that moment, the love he felt for Brian was so real, so powerful, that he could almost reach out and touch it.  

 

* * *

 

**_Friday Afternoon, 4:30 p.m, PIFA …_ **

  


Justin walked through the hallways of PIFA towards the media room. Opening the door quietly, he slipped inside so as not to disturb the students already there and spotted Spencer almost immediately. The redhead was working on a computer, wearing a pair of earbuds as he listened to the audio. Taking a deep breath, Justin walked through the room and stopped just behind Spencer. As he peered down over the other man’s shoulder, he immediately noticed what his ‘supposed’ friend was reviewing: it was a copy of their work. The one that had supposedly been destroyed by Brian.  

  


Justin felt an insidious rage build inside of him, but he forced himself to smile as he effectively plopped himself into the vacant chair next to his schoolmate.

  


“Justin?” Spencer greeted him as soon as he noticed his friend sitting next to him, obviously surprised to see him here. He must have spoken too loudly with the earbuds he was still wearing as several students looked over in their direction in reaction. Taking them off, he lowered his voice as he asked, “What are you doing here? I thought you wouldn’t come in today?”

  


“I forgot that I had to come to bring some books back to the library,” Justin replied, the lie escaping his lips easily. Not that it was exactly a lie, but Spencer didn’t need to know that he still had four days before they were due back. “So, I thought I’d stop by,” Justin added, his eyes switching to the screen in front of them. “Is that our project?”

  


A shadow briefly obscured Spencer’s gaze. “Yeah,” he confirmed before asking, “Did you have time to look at it last night? You received the copy I left for you, right?”

  


“I didn’t have the time, no. But I could do it now, maybe. Do you mind if I save the file and look at it from another screen?” Justin replied, trying to avoid answering Spencer’s directly, preferring instead to stay evasive on the matter so he could gauge his reaction.

  


Spencer frowned. “You don’t have the flash drive with you? I gave it to Brian,” he insisted.

  


“No, I don’t have it with me,” Justin replied a little more curtly than he had intended, not wanting to raise Spencer’s suspicion. “Why don’t you copy it on my session? That way, I will be able to access it from anywhere, even if I forget the flash drive at home.”

  


Every student who participated in a program at PIFA, even part-time, could use a personal session and access it via the campus’ intranet. Yet, since Justin had broken his own flash drive, he and Spencer had always used the redhead’s to work on their project, and Justin had never given it a second thought. Now, though, he was really suspicious of Spencer’s motives, especially since he had just realized that Spencer had been there when he had discovered his flash drive was malfunctioning. Spencer had then insisted on using his own, claiming that he didn’t trust the backups PIFA provided. The more Justin thought about all of it, the more he was convinced that Brian was right. It hadn’t been all a coincidence.

  


“You just forgot it at home…” Spencer repeated with a frown.

  


“Yeah. Why is that a problem? Does it bother you to give me another copy?” Justin replied as innocently as he could, trying hard not to betray his true feelings.

  


“No! Of course not!” Spencer answered just a little too hastily. He sighed and rubbed his face with his hand. “Sorry...I’m a little under the weather today, don’t mind me,” he eventually apologized, clicking on the mouse of the computer to go to the PIFA login page. He seemed to hesitate, but he finally pushed the keyboard towards Justin in order to allow the blond to identify himself. Justin made a mental note to change his password.

  


Spencer made a copy of their file and saved it under Justin’s session. Justin stayed silent and logged out as soon as the copy was complete. “Let me review it, and I’ll get back to you in an hour or so,” he promised as he stood up from his chair to go and sit at a place where he was sure Spencer couldn’t spy on him. As soon as he took a seat, he logged in again and changed his password.

  


He spent the following hour reviewing the project. He saved the modified file, and informed Spencer - the man was still sitting at the same place he had left him - that he had made a couple of minor changes. When Spencer didn’t object but invited the blond for a drink, Justin declined, bid his goodbyes, and headed home to Brian.  
  


* * *

 

**_Monday, 11:30 a.m, PIFA ..._ **

  


The presentation went well. Justin hadn’t doubted that their film would be well-received by the four professors from Carnegie and PIFA representing the judging committee, but he had feared that he wouldn’t be able to put up with this masquerade regarding Spencer for three more days. He had been tempted all weekend to take his cellphone to call him and confront him about what he had done. Brian had dissuaded him about doing that, however, reminding him that his degree was more important than spitting his anger directly in the douchebag’s face - even if he certainly understood the feeling.

  


But now that it was over, Justin couldn’t wait to give Spencer a piece of his mind.

  


The two students exited the building soon afterward, the sun shining brightly with a warm breeze filling the air. Spencer was beaming as they headed toward The Art Institute’s main gate, thrilled that their presentation had gone so well, and he probably expected Justin to be as happy as he was. Except the blond didn’t seem ecstatic at all.

  


“You okay?” Spencer asked, as they kept walking. “You seem off, considering how much they loved what we did! Cheer up, man! It’s time for a celebration!”

  


“With you?” Justin snapped. He stopped in the middle of the campus - they were alone, the other students having already joined their classes - and let the mask he had harbored all morning slip. “Are you kidding?”

  


Spencer frowned and turned around, shaking his head. He stared at Justin as he growled, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Did your boyfriend fuck you the wrong way this weekend?  Or didn’t you get any at all?”

  


Justin let out a sarcastic chuckle. “You’re really going to act like you don’t know why I’m pissed?”

  


“What? Justin, I don’t understand…” Spencer responded innocently, a concerned look on his face.

  


Justin huffed, glaring at Spencer, who stared back at him unflinchingly. A few seconds passed before Justin decided to stop playing this game. “Come on! Stop playing dumbass and admit what you’ve done, for fuck’s sake! You tried to manipulate Brian! And me!”

  


Spencer’s stare didn’t falter, not even for a second. However, an amused gleam appeared in his eyes. He shrugged.  “Okay.”

  


Justin looked at him, dumbfounded. “Okay? That’s it? Just like that?  After everything you did to try and break us apart?”

  


Spencer responded with another shrug, his eyes boring into Justin’s. He was almost smiling, but his smile looked...cynical. Cold even. Evil. “You really could do better, Justin. This guy is a whore, and he always will be. You, on the other hand...”

  


“Don’t you fucking dare talk about Brian like that! He is a thousand times the man you will ever be,” Justin cut him off angrily.

  


“How can you be so fucking blind?” Spencer finally cracked, his cool demeanor slowly vanishing. “A guy like him will inevitably fuck you over, Justin; that’s what he does. That’s what he _is._ He fucks you and discards you like trash as soon as you become an inconvenience!”

  


Justin frowned. If Spencer hated Brian so much… _No. No way. Could it be_? He didn’t want to believe it...but he had to ask anyway.

  


“He fucked you…” Justin murmured out loud. It was the only thing that made sense. That would explain why Spencer had been unable to hide his dislike ever since the two men had met at their apartment.

  


Spencer snickered coldly, nodding. “Yeah, he did... years ago.  He doesn’t even remember my face.” He looked back at Justin, his gaze taking on a disturbing intensity. “But I don’t fucking care...”

  


Justin felt a sudden, cold shiver running along his spine as the redhead kept staring at him strangely.

  


“What I _do_ care about, however, is the fact that you fell in love with a prick like him. I thought you were smarter than that.” Spencer’s gaze softened. “You deserve so much better than this slut. You deserve to be wooed, to be cherished. You deserve everything he can’t give you. Fidelity. Honesty. Love. If only you’d let me…”

  


“You’re not serious…” Justin reacted as he backed slightly away, astounded. Did Spencer really believe that he could leave Brian for a man like _him_? A cheater? A liar? A man who didn’t hesitate to manipulate a friend - one that he claimed to care about, no less - just to break a couple apart, because he had decided that they shouldn’t be together?

  


Apparently, he did. Spencer took a step closer and stated fervently, “I am. _Deadly_ serious. I LOVE you, Justin. I don’t care if you don’t believe me. But you have to understand...everything I do, I do it for you. I want you to be happy, to have everything a man like you deserves. I could give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of.”

  


“You really should have your head examined, Spencer.” Justin took a step closer, too, glaring daggers at the other man. “Because it will never happen, do you hear me? NEVER!”

  


“Careful, Justin…Never is a long time,” Spencer warned with deadly calm, seemingly not affected by Justin’s refusal to listen to him. It was as if he didn’t believe for one second that Justin could resist him.

  


Justin understood then that something was definitely off with him. His behavior was borderline crazy. “You’re delusional…”

  


“No…I’m not. I am NOT!” Spencer retorted forcibly with an icy glare. It was the first time since they had begun to argue that Justin detected the cold rage behind the mask, as if it was bubbling right beneath the surface, ready to erupt. Justin’s inner voice told him that he needed to back off, even if all he really wanted was to let his anger out. However, if Chris Hobbs had taught him any valuable lessons, it was to always listen to his gut feeling in such circumstances.

  


So, Justin took a deep breath before stating as calmly as he could, “It won’t work, Spencer. You and me, it’s not meant to happen. So, for your sake...” He paused briefly, before saying softly, “...you should…just forget you ever met me.”

  


Spencer didn’t reply. He didn’t move, either. He just stayed there, and Justin didn’t know what was going on inside his head. Truthfully, he didn’t _want_ to know.

  


He wanted to leave. “I hope you will find someone that will make you happy. I really do. But this…” Justin gestured with his hands back and forth between he and Spencer. “Our friendship… It’s over. Don’t try to contact me again,” He warned him, backing away carefully. When he was satisfied that the redhead wouldn’t come after him and try to change his mind, he nodded, whispering, “Goodbye, Spencer,” before turning around and walking away.

  


He didn’t look back again. He didn’t see Spencer’s silhouette standing still as he stared at Justin moving away. Thus, he also didn’t notice the hard gleam in his eyes, as an overpowering rage began to form inside of him.

 

* * *

 

**_October 2005, Six Weeks Later, Woody’s..._ **

  


That Friday night, the 28th day of October, 2005, Brian entered Woody’s at 8:40 p.m.

  


Justin was enjoying a night out with the ‘girls’ (Daphne and Emmett), catching up on the latest gossip, so Brian had decided to call Mikey and Jesse to meet at Woody’s, but his oldest friend was going on some speed dating event with Ted. The mere thought of that made Brian want to puke.

  


Fortunately, however, Jesse had agreed to join him, and Brian was actually looking forward to spending some time with him. He hadn’t seen him nearly enough since his return almost two months ago, mainly because his friend was really busy, playing hard to get with his former fuckbuddy. If it had been Brian, he would have just fucked Aaron hard and moved on - or not, considering Jesse claimed that he had ‘feelings’, as in ‘ _in love_ ’ feelings for the other man, puppy dog eyes and everything - but he wasn’t Jesse, and they both lived in a free world. If Jesse wanted to spend his time in a haze of sexual frustration, who was Brian to stop him, right?

  


So, here he was, standing in the doorway of Woody’s. He looked around the place, noticing a few openly appreciative stares being thrown his way, but dismissed them when he spied Jesse sitting on his own at the counter, his back to him.

  


Brian walked in his direction and positioned himself by his friend’s side without looking at him. He pushed him playfully with his shoulder, instead, and took the vacant seat next to him.

  


“Hello to you, too,” Jesse smiled as he raised his hand to signal the bartender’s attention. “One more,” he requested, pointing to his own shot of Beam. Brian didn’t say a word as he nodded at the bald, middle-aged man who appeared to be in his mid-forties, to indicate he wanted the same. A moment later, the bartender plopped identical shots down in front of the two men.

  


Brian looked down at his glass and began to toy with the cowrie bracelet Jesse had gifted him with after his last assignment. Brian loved it, of course. It was sexy. “So, no Aaron tonight?” He eventually asked humorously as he gazed up at Jesse. “You forget your rusty ball-and-chain at home?”

  


“Aaron’s with his father. I told you they had a complicated relationship.” Jesse informed him with a grin. Brian might be more accepting regarding Aaron now, but he always felt the need to make some witty repartee regarding him whenever someone brought his name up. Old habits died hard.

  


“Complicated as in… ‘Oh my god, my son is a fag who likes to take it up the ass! Please help me to turn him back into a _soft,_ straight man’?” Brian asked in a high-pitched voice, grinning goofily and enunciating the word ‘soft’ slowly, before raising his glass to his lips.

  


“No.” Jesse chuckled. “That would be your father-in-law you’re describing there.”

  


Brian gulped his shot in one go. “Ah yes… Craig _fucking_ Taylor. First of all let me set the record straight.” He smirked over his choice of words. “He is not - and never will be - my ‘father-in-law.’ God forbid.” He paused, gazing down at the shot glass before adding, “Well, fathers are useless, anyway, except for the part where they need to fuck in order to spill their seed.” Brian frowned and tilted his head. “In fact, gay men are not so different when you think about it.” He rolled his lips into his mouth, proud of his own joke and earning a laugh from Jesse, before adding, “Except no child can be conceived in this world with two men fucking. There really _must_ be a God in the universe.”

  


“You really know how to lift someone’s spirits, you know that?” Jesse deadpanned, turning on his seat to face Brian and touching his knee briefly. “How could I have left for so long and tolerated being deprived of your marvelous companionship and insight?” He teased playfully, the warmth in his eyes showing how much he had really missed his friend.

  


“I have no idea. It must have been so painful,” Brian responded with a smirk, before eying the bartender and silently asking for two more refills with a sign of his hand. When the man acknowledged his demand and went to prepare their drinks, Brian pursed his lips, and gazed back at Jesse with a soft smile. “But just so you know...I missed you, too,” he stated almost bashfully, causing a bright smile to appear on Jesse’s face.

  


They spent the next couple of hours catching up and playing pool against two hotties, Brian claiming victory afterward by taking one of them to the restroom for a quick blowjob. Then, he tried to convince Jesse to go with him to Babylon, with the pretext that they hadn’t danced together in far too long, causing Jesse to bark out a laugh in response to Brian’s argument. As if dancing with a friend had ever been Brian’s number one priority.

  


Jesse eventually relented and agreed to go.

  


He would never dance at Babylon that night, though. In fact, he wouldn’t dance for a long, long time.

 

* * *

 

They left Woody’s at 11:00 p.m. Brian asked Jesse to follow him to his car, so that he could retrieve his cellphone that he had left on the passenger seat before joining him inside.

  


They ambled down the narrow, presently deserted alley that ran perpendicular to the two main streets, engaging in some lively bantering as any old friends might do and enjoying the ten-minute walk to Brian’s car - Brian having elected to park in a place where his new prized Jeep would be secure, since he would be taking a cab home after leaving Babylon - when a man seemingly appeared out of nowhere amongst the shadows and slammed into them, effectively making Brian lose his balance for a few seconds.

  


“Watch out, asshole!” Brian yelled as he glared back at the man before he and Jesse continued on their way.  But Brian slowed his steps a few moments later, and then came to a complete stop as he realized who the man was.  “Well, if it isn’t Justin’s former admirer,” he sneered, as Spencer turned around and stared at them defiantly.

 

 _Of all the fucking luck_. “Jesse, remember the delusional prick I talked to you about, the one that Justin had to work with for three months on his summer project?” He snarled disdainfully, before addressing Spencer directly. “So how are you, Stephen? Still kidding yourself about your ability to make a man want you?”

  


Spencer actually smirked. “Brian...still getting your dick sucked in a dark, foggy alley?”

  


Brian let out a derisive chuckle before retorting with a raise of his eyebrows. “Oh, so you’re still fantasizing about the privilege I bestowed upon you? I bet you still have wet dreams about me letting you suck my dick, don’t you?” he taunted the other man as Jesse silently listened with rapt attention. “You fucking loved it, admit it!” he added for good measure.  Justin had confided in him about Spencer confessing that they’d had a sexual encounter several years ago, even though Brian honestly didn’t remember anything about it. Spencer had no doubt been one of an untold number of one-time, ‘convenience’ tricks that he had ‘accommodated’ over the years. As Brian stared over at the nondescript redhead, then, he could only deduce that the encounter had occurred at a time when he had been extremely high - it had happened more than once in his life - or that Spencer’s performance had been too mediocre to be worth even remembering.

  


“Brian, let it go,” Jesse warned, concerned. Even if he wasn’t familiar with this stranger, he knew his friend well enough to know that he was deliberately provoking Spencer for the sake of his own satisfaction, and something told him this was not a wise move; besides, Jesse really didn’t want to engage in a fight right now. Knowing how pissed Brian had been over Spencer’s duplicity, and how scared he had been that it would affect his relationship with Justin, he worried that this situation could get ugly if his friend didn’t stop immediately.

  


“You think you’re so smart, don’t you?” Spencer commented with deadly calm as he stood there, facing them; so calmly, in fact, that it confirmed Jesse’s suspicions and he became more and more uneasy with the whole situation. Spencer’s tone of voice seemed nonchalant; but to Jesse, the man’s body language was saying something altogether different.  Unfortunately, Brian continued to ignore his concern.

  


“Well, I’m the one sleeping in Justin’s bed,” Brian replied smugly. “What about you _,_ Stewart? Are you lying in bed at night alone, jacking off with your hand to get off while you dream of the one who got away? Well, I got news for you, pal. You never HAD him in the first place!”  Brian replied contemptuously, his eyes glaring daggers at the other man. He didn’t know if it was the many shots he had consumed at Woody’s previously, the muggy, humid night, the smelly, garbage-strewn alleyway, or the fear and anger that he had felt after having been played so easily by Spencer several weeks ago.  But at that instant, all he wanted to do was  punch the arrogant, shithead bastard in the face for what he had done to him and Justin.

  


“Brian! STOP,” Jesse pleaded in an attempt to intervene before things got out of hand, even if Brian was obviously not listening to him, apparently set on provoking a fight with this weirdo if he continued much longer. “He’s not worth it!” he added, gripping his wrist to try and get his attention to no avail.

  


“You should listen to your friend,” Spencer advised in a low voice as he walked closer to Brian and Jesse, who were standing side-by-side.  He was close enough now that both men could smell his fragrance.

  


“And you stay away from Justin, or I swear…” Brian warned, his voice trailing off as he glared at him with clear hatred in his eyes.    

  


“Yeah? Or what? Please, tell me what you’d do,” Spencer urged him, a disturbing gleam appearing in his eyes as he slightly tilted his head.

  


Brian should have stopped right at that moment. He should have been the better man and left. It was obvious Spencer was playing with him, _again_. In addition, Brian knew, deep down, that the redhead was disturbed. He might not know his life story, but his reactions weren’t the ones of a sane man. And yet, Brian couldn’t help it. It was as if Spencer had freed the green-eyed monster inside of him, and now he couldn’t do anything to stop the rage against this man from taking hold of him. He didn’t know that he would regret his next words for the rest of his life, though.

  


“If you don’t stay the fuck away from Justin and me...I will find a way to destroy you,” Brian promised with a murderous glare.

  


“Really?” Spencer raised his eyebrows. “You think Justin will allow you to do that? You know he’s too kindhearted and trusting for his own good. I’m sure he blows your mind like no one else can, and that you can’t resist him...right?” Spencer asked, his eyes turning dark.

  


Jesse, meanwhile, felt a cold shiver running through his body. He witnessed the exact moment when Spencer’s mood seemed to shift, almost imperceptibly. The man didn’t seem sane at all; not anymore.

  


As if to validate his thoughts, Spencer rolled his neck and gazed up momentarily. His slow movements accentuated the feeling of insanity that emanated from his entire being.

  


Brian just stayed there, visibly ready to bolt, and Jesse looked at him while gripping his forearm, trying to capture his friend’s attention to make him understand that they needed to back off. Fast.

  


But Spencer chose that exact moment to add one last thing. “I couldn’t, either, you know? Resist Justin, I mean. In fact, I’m sure making love to him must be a thing of beauty. A life-altering experience. Oh yeah, I can’t wait for the day when I will have the privilege to prove my love to him, to be with him, inside of him. To pleasure him and make him come again and again. When you will be gone from his life...permanently.” he boasted with an evil grin playing on his lips. He knew exactly what Brian’s reaction would be. In fact, he was counting on it.

  


Sure enough, as soon as the words were spoken, Brian grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, and slammed him up against the nearest wall. Every fiber of his being wanting to erase the smug grin from his lips, and the next thing he knew, he had punched the man in the face.

  


Spencer kept smiling brightly, _seemingly_ not responding, even when his nose started bleeding.

 

* * *

 

It all happened so fast.

  


Brian heard Jesse calling for him. Was there a hint of fear in his voice? Brian frowned, realizing what he’d just done and when he gazed over at Spencer’s face, he realized the redhead was smiling, beaming even.

  


_He’s smiling?_

  


Spencer laughed, a long, disturbing laugh that flooded the air with a chilling intensity. He looked at Brian, his teeth now tinted with blood, and breathed out almost tenderly, “Thank you,” before stealing a brief kiss from Brian’s lips.

  


And then…

  


Brian lost his balance. He had been suddenly pushed forcibly and had fallen onto the pavement. Disoriented for a few seconds, he eventually looked around and his gaze landed on Jesse, who was standing still in front of Spencer, both their hands gripping onto something.

  


He heard a heart-wrenching scream rip through the deafening silence that had followed afterward, probably coming from a lone passer-by, and his blood ran cold.

  


Only when Spencer escaped and started to run, disappearing into the foggy night, did Brian realize what had just happened. “Brian…” Jesse’s pleading voice called for him before he fell onto his knees, his hands clutching the handle of a knife, covered with blood. His blood.

  
  
“Jesse…” Brian whispered, a feeling of doom descending over him. “No, no, no, no, no... _Jesse_!” He yelled desperately, rushing to his friend’s side, his voice resonating in the coldness of the dark alley.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the big secret is finally revealed, even if there is obviously a lot more to say to explain Spencer's behavior or the aftermath of this tragical night. I hope it didn't disappoint any of you.


	26. Turning Point - Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: November 2005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part of "Turning Point"  
> Warning: Angst

 

**_Allegheny General Hospital, October 2005, Friday Night …_ **

 

Brian entered the hospital, gripping Jesse’s lifeless hand like it was the only thing that would prevent his friend from dying. He heard voices talking to him, saw people trying to get his attention, but he was too far gone to understand anything they were saying. His friend was lying unconscious on a gurney, his hair plastered to his sweaty forehead, his face deadly pale with traces of dried blood speckling his skin, and Brian was unable to let go, unable to focus on anything else; he didn’t want to lose the physical bond they currently shared.

 

All seemed to happen in slow motion then. A doctor grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to look away from his friend. Brian finally relented, his eyes landing on a stern face of some doctor who was talking to him agitatedly, spouting all sorts of clipped, professional words as he gestured with his hand. But Brian didn’t understand a thing he was saying. All he could hear was his own heartbeat pounding furiously in his ears and obscuring any other reality.

 

He felt himself being pulled along as the gurney was wheeled hurriedly toward an operating room. The doctor grabbed Brian’s hand with his own, the one that was still holding onto Jesse’s hand, forcing him to finally let go. He saw his friend’s arm falling by his side and stood there, immobile, as Jesse disappeared from his sight.

 

His lips choked on his friend’s name. He didn't even recognize his own voice.

 

Someone - maybe a nurse - led him towards a seat and he wordlessly let him, his mind too occupied with worry for his friend.

 

He knew it wasn’t rational, but he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Or it _seemed_ like he couldn’t, even if he knew that wasn’t realistic.  So it could only mean that the suffocation he felt was the one choking his mind.

 

Eventually the voice in his head became quiet, and the only thing he could do was feel the numbness enveloping him like a welcoming friend.

 

* * *

 

He didn’t know how much time had passed before he felt Justin’s hand on his. He still couldn’t move. He was sitting there, not knowing what he was waiting for, not even aware that he was waiting for something in the first place, until he felt his hand. That’s when he allowed the tears to fall, silently. They were escaping slowly from his eyes, his throat closing up a little more with each one of them.

 

People would tell him later that he was in a temporary state of clinical paralysis, or some bullshit like that. Still, at that instant, the only thing Brian knew was that he would stay there, sitting in that fucking chair for as long as he needed to, gripping onto Justin’s hand like it was his lifeline and refusing to let go.

 

* * *

 

Justin had been drying some dishes after Daphne and Emmett finished washing them in the sink. Emmett had decided to offer some impromptu entertainment, performing a not-so-convincing imitation of Madonna singing ‘Like a Virgin’ with a scrub brush, when Justin had felt his phone vibrating in his jeans pocket. Laughing over Emmett’s antics, he had looked at the cell, his happy disposition quickly turning into one of horror as he read the text on the screen. The next sound that was heard was the loud crashing of the glass Justin had been holding in his hand as it fell onto the wooden floor.

 

Fifteen minutes later, when Justin arrived at the hospital with Daphne and Emmett on his heels, he spotted Brian almost immediately. His boyfriend was sitting in the waiting room, alone, covered in blood, and Justin’s steps faltered as he walked closer to him. Brian looked…devastated; he just kept staring straight ahead, seemingly not realizing that Justin was there.

 

Justin felt his eyes moistening even before he took Brian’s hand. Brian didn’t move, but Justin felt him squeezing his hand, and as he looked at his haunted face, he saw the silent tears starting to fall; his chest tightened painfully as he leaned his head on Brian’s shoulder.

 

Emmett and Daphne just stood there, Emmett engulfing Daphne into a tight hug.

 

* * *

 

A couple of hours later, and there was still no news on Jesse’s condition.

 

Everyone had arrived. Debbie, Vic, Michael, Ted, and Lindsay. Jesse’s half brother, Jacob. Aaron. They were all waiting, crying, trying to understand, to make sense of it all.

 

The police were there, too. They already knew what had happened, thanks to a witness who had talked with the cops as soon as they had arrived on the scene earlier that night. In addition, Justin had showed them the text from Brian with the information they needed, confirming that Jesse had been stabbed by Spencer while trying to protect his friend.

 

A fifty-year-old detective had tried to make Brian talk, but he had not reacted, not even when the man had threatened to arrest him if he didn’t cooperate. Debbie had intervened loudly then, yelling in the middle of the waiting room and describing the policeman with colorful names that only she could provide. Fortunately, the detective had been smart enough to let it go, understanding that the pain felt amongst the group of friends sitting there was too strong for them to answer any of his questions for the foreseeable future.

 

Only when the detective had asked Brian to verify that ‘Spencer Banner, Justin Taylor’s schoolmate, had stabbed Jesse Ramsey in an attempt to attack him instead’ had Brian confirmed it with a slight nod. After giving his colleagues a call to inform them of the identity of the attacker, the cop had indicated that he would need for Brian to come to the local precinct to make a statement later in the week, as well as Justin. He was about to leave when he received another call informing him that Spencer had, indeed, been arrested already, one of his neighbors having called the station to report that he had been spotted. Apparently, he had unexpectedly encountered Spencer in the hallway as the redhead was returning home, and had noticed his erratic behavior, in addition to his beige trench coat stained with blood.

 

Still, the news of Spencer’s arrest didn’t provoke any reaction in Brian, who kept staring straight ahead as the cop announced the news out loud. Even though all of Jesse’s friends and family were grateful that Spencer had been caught, the relief they all felt was merely fleeting, because it didn’t erase the fact that Jesse was still fighting for his life. Observing the concerned expressions on all their faces, the detective left with the promise of keeping them updated on any new development regarding Spencer’s investigation.

 

As soon as he was gone, Debbie tried to get through to Brian. “Brian, Sweetie...” She kneeled in front of him and put her hand on his cheek to force him to look at her. Brian ultimately gazed down, but his eyes were so sad she realized that, for once, she had no idea what to say to comfort him.

 

“Deb…” Justin murmured softly as he straightened himself up, causing her to peer sideways at him. He shook his head, letting her know that Brian was in no condition to hear her right now. Truthfully, Justin couldn’t blame him. All kind of emotions were currently running through him, too – rage, fear, unfairness, guilt - and he hadn’t even been there for the attack. Brian had witnessed the stabbing, and had been the primary target of Spencer’s insanity. It was unbearable; Justin wanted to take Brian’s pain away so badly, but all he could do was be there for him and hold his hand. God, he felt so helpless.

 

Debbie nodded in understanding as she stood up to join Vic, Michael, Ted and Lindsay at the other side of the room. Emmett was sitting with Jacob and Daphne, no one uttering a word. Aaron was pacing, over and over again, back and forth, his face completely closed-off. He hadn’t said a word since Jacob had informed him about Jesse’s condition when he had first arrived.

 

Just then, a doctor – his name tag indicated his name was Dr. Stiller - entered the waiting room, a somber look on his face. His steps slowed as he noticed all the people present.

 

Aaron was the first one to react. “How is he?” He asked, trying to hide how terrified he really was, but failing.

 

“His condition is still pretty serious. Upon his arrival, Mr. Ramsay had lost a lot of blood. He suffered cardiac arrest on the table, but we were able to resuscitate him. He also had some major internal damage that we managed to repair; but now...it’s up to him.” Dr. Stiller paused, letting the information sink in. “The next twenty-four hours are going to be decisive.”

 

Aaron looked at him with a wild expression on his face. “Are you saying… are you saying that he could _die_?” He inquired, his voice slightly breaking. Jacob came to stand behind him and placed his hand on his shoulder.

 

Dr. Stiller took a breath and repeated as kindly as he could, “As I said, it’s up to him now.”

 

Aaron shook his head and stepped back, “I can’t… this…” He started to mumble. He gazed at Brian, and suddenly, he lost it completely. Taking the three steps separating the two of them, he lashed into him, unleashing the anguish that had been pent up inside of him. “This is all YOUR fault!” he accused Brian loudly. “You’re the one this crazy guy wanted to kill! Not Jesse! He shouldn’t be the one fighting for his life!”

 

Brian closed his eyes as if it could shut out the reality of Aaron’s statement, but he didn’t move. Aaron just shook his head, and looked at Justin as he added, breaking down, “This isn’t fair, he shouldn’t be in here…”

 

Justin was about to respond, unable to let Brian take the blame for Jesse’s condition, but fortunately, Emmett, Ted and Michael intervened before he could. “Aaron, stop!” Emmett ordered and Michael helped him by engulfing Aaron into a hug from behind. “You know it’s not Brian’s fault!” Aaron’s outburst was the reaction of a desperate man who was completely freaked out at the idea of losing the man he loved.

 

Aaron gazed up at Emmett pleadingly.  “What if he dies? I can’t… He can’t die! He just…”

 

“Aaron, come on…” Michael whispered as he turned the man around in his arms. He was also fighting not to lose it right now.

 

“This isn’t fair…” Aaron repeated before he began to sob in Michael’s arms.

 

“I know,” Michael responded, a knot forming in his throat. “None of it is fair,” he agreed, as he peered over at Brian, who had leaned his head back against the wall.  He observed Justin gently stroking the back of Brian’s neck with his free hand, while whispering words of comfort in his ear. Debbie had surprisingly not intervened, but Vic was now standing by both Brian and Justin’s side; he placed a reassuring hand on the brunet’s arm, too. Brian still didn’t say a word.

 

* * *

 

**_Saturday…_ **

 

Twenty hours later, Brian was still sitting at the same place with Justin by his side, when Dr. Stiller came out to inform them that Jesse would survive, but he would need to stay in a medically-induced coma for a few days to help him to recover.  In addition, only his family would be allowed to see him during that time.

 

After his announcement, Brian finally released his lover’s hand, stood up, and left.

 

Justin looked at his retreating form, and felt his chest constricting painfully. He was happy for Jesse, ecstatic even, as he had been scared shitless that his friend wouldn’t make it. Besides, he didn’t doubt Brian; his lover would come around eventually, but he had to deal with what had happened to Jesse, and Justin suspected the guilt he felt must be unbearable, even if he couldn’t be held responsible for Spencer’s madness.

 

Yet, Justin didn’t know why, but a bad feeling was creeping into his mind. No matter what, Spencer’s attack would have irreversible repercussions, for all of them. Justin could only hope that they would get through this, and not let this fateful night take away what they all shared. Family, friendship, and love were too precious not to fight for.

 

* * *

 

**_Sunday…_ **

 

Brian returned home on Sunday afternoon, without uttering a word. Justin had tried to reach him on his cell for the past eight hours, but Brian’s phone had been turned off.

 

Justin hesitated, but finally, when Brian went straight to his bed to lie down, he just let him. A few minutes later, he joined him, spooning him from behind, caressing his arm. Brian eventually grabbed his hand and placed a chaste kiss on his fingers, before interlacing their fingers together.

 

They fell asleep with their hands entwined.

 

* * *

 

**_Monday…_ **

 

On Monday, the last day of October, Brian and Justin went to the precinct to make a statement. Brian had yet to say a word, making Justin worried that he wouldn’t be able to relive what he had been through on Friday night.

 

He was wrong. Brian described the scene meticulously, his voice devoid of any emotion, as if he wasn’t the one who had lived it. Only when he talked about Jesse, about how his friend had tried to protect him when he realized that Spencer meant for Brian to push him against the wall in order to kill him, had Brian’s voice broke. He stared up then, his mouth open as if he was fighting to breathe, before pinching his lips and squeezing his eyes shut. He  eventually lowered his head and breathed deeply so he could manage to finish his statement about the events of that awful night.

 

During all the time that Brian talked, Justin was holding his hand, and feeling like he was the one who was going to lose it. Hearing Brian relating exactly what had happened, allowed Justin for the first time to see the scene in his mind’s eye,  imagining Spencer’s crazy gaze and the stunned look on Jesse’s face when the knife stabbed him not once, but twice. Consequently, his chest constricted painfully as he listened to Brian, but he refused to avert his eyes, because first and foremost he wanted to support his lover. God only knew what he was feeling; if all of this seemed unbearable for him, he could only imagine what it must be doing to Brian.

 

Justin didn’t know how Brian was able to endure reliving the events of that night, but he did. After Brian completed his statement, the detective asked Justin to confirm a few facts. They had already talked about his relationship with Spencer at the hospital two days earlier, Justin having related how he had met his schoolmate and what had happened between them ever since, as well as Spencer’s apparent obsession over him. Justin had answered all his questions as precisely as he could, and apparently it had helped the police to discover the truth about Jesse’s attacker.

 

Indeed, during the past couple of days, they had discovered that Spencer was an orphan who had suffered from a severe form of schizophrenia since childhood, and had already stayed several times in hospital psychiatric wards. He was exceptionally smart, though, and the meds he had been taking had helped him to control his destructive moods for a few years now, even allowing him to return to school in order to get a degree; but the obsession he slowly had developed over Justin had resulted into a relapse. The same time that Justin had finally put an end to their friendship, Spencer was slowly but surely losing himself to his obsession, creating what the doctors called a psychotic ‘decompensation’, to the point where his disease had totally taken the upper hand in his mind. One week before the attack, Spencer had stopped taking his meds completely, and had concentrated on getting his revenge on Brian Kinney. The encounter in the semi-deserted alley, Brian’s reaction; he had planned all of it.

 

So, that was it. The fact that Spencer would likely be found unaccountable for his actions because of a disease that dictated them meant that he would probably not go to jail, but would spent a lot of time locked up somewhere, instead, in a mental facility.

 

They should have felt some relief over that. Either in prison or in a mental Institution, at least Spencer wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone again; he wouldn’t be allowed to remain free after what he had done. And his disease was real. Neither Justin nor Brian could have ever predicted what would happen to their friend when Spencer stopped taking his meds. They didn’t even know he had been sick in the first place.

 

Yes, they should have felt some relief. But they didn’t. Furthermore, Justin suspected that Brian would never forgive himself for what had happened to Jesse. Unfortunately, he would soon realize that he was right.

 

He would even leave Brian in the end because of it. But he didn’t know it yet.

 

* * *

 

**_Wednesday..._ **

 

Jesse stayed in a medically-induced coma for four days. When he woke up the first time, Aaron was asleep in a chair, looking like he hadn’t showered in days. Jesse tried to make sense of what he was seeing, but before he could, he slipped back into unconsciousness.

 

The second time, Aaron was still there, standing and looking through the window, crying silently.

 

Jesse tried to call for him, but his throat was too sore. Looking around, he noticed for the first time where he was and tried to think of a good reason for him to be lying in an hospital bed, but his mind went blank. Fuck, what had happened to him?

 

“Aaron…” He tried again, and this time, Aaron heard him and turned around, wiping away the tears from his face. But for a second, his eyes…his eyes were so full of emotion that Jesse almost regretted disturbing him. Inexplicably, a sudden, unstoppable feeling of doom enveloped him without any apparent reason. But then Aaron smiled at him, and the fleeting sensation vanished.

 

If Jesse had ever questioned Aaron’s feelings for him, that smile would have erased all his doubts. He felt tears in his eyes as Aaron came to sit next to him, putting his hand on his face.

 

“You scared the shit out of me, you know that?” Aaron breathed out gently, the tone of his voice revealing his past fear, his relief, as well as his love, as he leaned forward to place a kiss on Jesse’s temple, resting his forehead there for an instant, feeling the warmth of his lover’s skin and just how..alive...he was. Jesse had never seen him acting so openly emotional and loving before.

 

“What happened?” Jesse asked, squeezing his eyes shut when he tried to move. A sharp, unbearable pain cut through him, starting at the side of his stomach and seemingly diffusing everywhere upward. His breath momentarily caught in his throat.

 

“Careful,” Aaron cautioned as he placed his hand on Jesse’s stomach softly. “You were... stabbed,” he revealed, his voice shaking imperceptibly. Jesse stared up at him, astounded. “A guy attacked you and Brian.”

 

“Spencer…” Jesse whispered, the events that had occurred in that dark, smelly alley suddenly coming back to him.

 

“Yes.” Aaron confirmed with a nod. “He attacked Brian, but you decided to play hero and got stabbed instead,” he clarified, a hard edge still present in his voice. “How could you be so stupid, huh?” he berated him, but there were no malice in his question.

 

“Aaron…” Jesse suddenly paled. He just realized that there was something wrong. “I can’t… I can’t feel my legs…Why can’t I feel my legs?”

 

As he looked up at Aaron’s face, he understood that Aaron had no idea how to respond to his question, but that he already was somehow aware of his condition. He felt a feeling close to panic beginning to invade him.

 

“Let me call the doctors,” Aaron proposed. Before he could stand up, however, Jesse grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard as he pleaded,  “Don’t leave me…”

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Aaron replied firmly. He leaned across the bed and grabbed the device lying on the bed next to Jesse, pushing a red button to summon the nurse.

 

Aaron already knew what Jesse didn’t: the stabbing had resulted in massive internal bleeding, and as a result Jesse was suffering from a spinal compression caused by a hematoma. Consequently, the doctors had feared that Jesse wouldn’t have any sensations in his legs when he woke up; and because of the location of the compression, no type of treatment was possible  for now without risking a permanent and irreversible paralysis.

 

Thus, while Aaron was pondering on how he should handle the situation to spare the man he loved any more sorrow, Jesse was having more and more troubles breathing. He could feel the ache in his stomach now radiating throughout his upper body. But below his waist, he felt nothing; absolutely nothing. And as he realized what it meant, a fear like he had never felt before gripped his very core.

 

“Hey…” Aaron’s voice interrupted his inner meltdown. He caressed Jesse’s hand to get his full attention. “I promise you… we’re going to be okay; do you hear me?”

 

Jesse responded with a nod, Aaron’s warm touch feeling like his only connection to his shattered reality.

 

* * *

  


**_Friday…_ **

 

By Thursday, everyone was aware that Jesse had woken up, but only Jacob and Aaron had been allowed to see him. Jesse was still feeling weak, and Dr. Stiller had vetoed any more visits for an indefinite time.

 

That was the official reason, anyway. It was partly true, but Jesse also refused to see anyone else. He was exhausted, depressed, and angry, with all kinds of emotions going through his head ever since he had first woken up in his hospital bed and realized what had really happened to him.

 

Since he had regained consciousness, various doctors had come to conduct multiple tests: they probed and probed again, asking him stupid questions about his state of mind, evaluating the accuracy of his responses like a child in elementary school, administering a CT scan and an MRI, evaluating his physical abilities, and espousing prognoses about his recovery, and so on and so on, in a never ending parade of medical personnel. By the end of the week, Jesse was certain that he was going to explode, literally. He had never felt so angry in all his life, the unfairness of his situation making it hard to breathe most of the time.

 

He was exhausted. His body was fighting to recover and every breath he took was torturous. The morphine helped, though, but it also made him feel terribly groggy. He tried to fight it at first, but the more he became aware of his physical condition, of the road he would have to travel without any certainty regarding his recovery, the more he wanted to succumb to the sweet release of the pain killer. The substance made him feel high, and for a moment, he could forget that he couldn’t move his legs or how angry he was at the world.

 

Jacob didn’t know how to deal with him. But Aaron was there by his side, every day. He tolerated his moods and his cries, never backing down, even when Jesse tried all he could to make him leave, treating him like the enemy and lashing into him violently. Yet, the older man persisted, and Jesse didn’t understand why Aaron didn’t take the chance he was giving him to run away as fast as he could, instead of staying and dealing with a cripple.

 

Yes, a cripple. This was what he had become. The fact that he needed to rely on nurses and orderlies all the time was unbearable for him. He didn’t feel like a human being anymore; more like a burden that needed to be taken care of.

 

On Friday, the rage he was feeling was so strong that he yelled at Aaron when the man tried to reassure him again.

 

“Get out! I don’t need you! What are you still doing here anyway, huh? Playing the good little Samaritan by taking care of a cripple?” Jesse’s eyes were blazing, and he ignored the pain radiating through his stomach. He didn’t care. “Well, I have news for you, Aaron; I don’t need you here! In fact, I don’t need _anyone_! Too bad that psycho didn’t finish the job and kill me instead of letting me live!” He barked out a bitter laugh at the word ‘live.’ “Because this is NOT living!” he growled.  

 

Aaron snapped then, his face turning red as he yelled back at him. Jesse had never seen him so angry before. “Fuck you, Jesse! Just fuck you!” Aaron’s voice cracked. “If you think you’re going to succeed in making me leave you, think again! Because you weren’t the one waiting here nonstop, dreading to find out if you were going to live or die! Do you know how I felt when I heard what had happened to you? I felt...I felt like _I_ was going to die! I _would_ die if anything ever happened to you! Fuck!” He paused and turned around to walk towards the window, rubbing his face with his hands, while trying to regain control over his emotions. He finally turned again and Jesse felt the tears running down his cheeks, “I love you, Jesse. It might have taken me a long time to realize how much you mean to me, but I can’t… I can’t imagine a world where you’d be gone. I just can’t…”

 

The silence that followed Aaron’s statement was defeating. Jesse didn’t know how to respond, even if, deep down he had already known how Aaron felt about him. But seeing the man so open and vulnerable, Jesse felt an overwhelming surge of love invading him, and his throat closed up, making it impossible to respond.

 

Eventually, Aaron came to sit next to him on the bed, careful not to hurt him, and rubbed his face dry with his thumbs. Jesse had trouble looking at him, so Aaron grabbed his chin and forced him to peer up at him. “You can’t get rid of me,” he uttered softly. “But I’m going to make you a promise, Jesse. I will stay by your side for as long as you want me, and I will do anything, _anything,_ to bring back the smile I love so much on your face…I promise.”

 

Then, Aaron leaned in to capture Jesse’s lips. Jesse’s heart missed a beat and he raised his hand to caress Aaron’s face, allowing his lover’s tongue to slip into his mouth.

 

As they broke off the kiss, Jesse whispered, “I love you, too. I love you so much.”

 

It would be a long road to recovery, but at least he knew he wouldn’t be alone.

 

* * *

  


**_Five Days Later, Tuesday..._ **

 

“Has Brian seen Jesse yet?” Emmett asked. He and Justin were finishing their breakfast at the diner, Brian having just left a minute ago to go to work. Emmett had noticed how pale his former roommate had looked. The fact that he hadn’t uttered a single word during all the time he had been there, not even to criticize the food, was also a good indication regarding his state of mind.

 

“No,” Justin responded, defeated.

 

It had been almost a week since Jesse had woken up; almost a week since Justin had hoped that Brian and Jesse would talk about that night, but so far it hadn’t happened. And Justin was becoming more concerned with each passing day. He had visited Jesse once already - the man having allowed his friends to come to see him briefly on the weekend - but Brian had not accompanied him, too busy privately drowning in his own pain.

 

Justin knew what was happening. Brian couldn’t stand the idea that Jesse had suffered serious damage that could possibly lead to permanent injuries. When Jacob had informed them that Jesse couldn’t feel his legs on Thursday evening, Brian had been devastated, and he had suddenly left the apartment, only to return on Sunday morning smelling of booze and sex. Justin had wanted to yell at him for scaring him so much, but one look at his face as he stumbled through the doorway, and he found that the words couldn’t come out. He had helped him to bed instead, and Brian had passed out within seconds.

 

Furthermore, when Justin had visited Jesse, he’d had a hard time processing what his eyes were telling him. Jesse had looked so fragile, lying there on the bed. He hadn’t talked much, barely smiling when Michael and Emmett had shared a funny story about their concierge’s adorable dog accidentally running headlong into the glass door of his owner’s suite; apparently it had been so superbly cleaned that he hadn’t realized the door was closed before it was too late.

 

But even then, the smile hadn’t reached his eyes. In fact, about ten minutes after their arrival, Jesse seemed to become impatient, and Aaron had discreetly asked them to leave. Debbie and Vic had been there, too, and as Aaron had walked them out to the elevator, he had confided to them that Jesse was not ready yet to have too many visitors, and how his moods were pretty unpredictable.

 

Justin could understand Jesse. He was pretty sure his reactions would be unpredictable, too, if he was in a similar situation. And he was quite uncomfortable himself. He was the one who had let Spencer enter their lives, and even if he knew it was irrational, he nevertheless felt guilty about it.

 

But he also wanted to make things right. And it started with Brian and Jesse. They had been through so much together in the past, and were an important part of each other’s lives. Justin was convinced that they needed to talk about what had happened if they wanted to heal.

 

So, as he took a sip of his coffee that morning at the diner, he declared, “I’m going to the hospital later today. And Brian needs to come with me. I don’t care if he IS scared shitless. Jesse is one of his best friends.”

 

“You’re right, Sweetie. I also think the two of them need to talk,” Emmett agreed. “But I’m concerned about Jesse. Do you think he’ll be okay? I mean, we’ve both seen what he’s like lately. He’s  depressed right now, and I don’t know…” His voice trailed off.

 

Justin frowned, visibly thinking it over, before voicing his conclusions out loud. “What’s the worst that can happen? That Jesse loses it in front of Brian? Well, maybe he needs to let it out, and I also know Brian needs to see Jesse. They need to help each other right now.”

 

Emmett nodded, playing with the straw from his fresh orange juice. “Uhh…how are you going to do that?”

 

“I’ll ask Michael to help me,” Justin decided, nibbling on a bite of his donut. “We’ll improvise something.”

 

“What about Aaron? You think he will allow you to come near Jesse? The man’s in full ‘knight in shining armor’ mode right now, in case you didn’t notice,” Emmett pointed at.

 

“I noticed. I just hope he won’t blame Brian again.”

 

Emmett shook his head. “You know he didn’t mean it. He was just scared shitless that Jesse wouldn’t make it.”

 

It was true. Justin didn’t know how he would have reacted if he had been in Aaron’s place, with Brian fighting to live for protecting a friend. The pain might him say horrible things, too, even if he still had a hard time excusing Aaron for his outburst. “I know. But I can’t help it; I know that somehow, Brian believes it. And I’m pissed he does. Seriously, I’m just…I feel so helpless. I don’t know how to help him, and I know the guilt is killing him.” That was the worst part. Justin was convinced that Brian believed every word that Aaron had spit at him that night.

 

“I’m afraid you’re right. And you’re also right about the fact that Jesse is the one who can help Brian to deal with that,” Emmett concurred before finishing his drink.

 

“Shit! I have to go,” Justin suddenly announced as he checked the time. He had a class in twenty minutes.

 

“Of course, Baby. Go! I don’t want you to miss your education because of me,” Emmett quipped with a smile as Justin stood up from the booth and grabbed his backpack.

 

“I’ll call you later!” Justin promised, rushing out to catch the next bus, his mind still focused on Brian and Jesse.

 

* * *

 

**_Several Hours Later, Allegheny General Hospital..._ **

 

Brian’s heart was beating faster than usual. He wanted to pretend that he wasn’t nervous about going to visit Jesse, but it was impossible.

 

Michael had called him earlier today, claiming that he needed to see him because of an emergency. As a result, Brian had left his office earlier to meet with him at his and Emmett’s place. It turned out that Justin and Michael had been waiting for him, and had begun to explain how he couldn’t avoid his feelings forever and that he needed to go with them to the hospital right now. They had then developed a bullshit argumentation full of Brian’s favorite words (feelings, talk, cry, love, etc...) and before they could bore him with their incessant, unfathomable speech, he had stopped them with a glare and a loud “Enough!” and had agreed to their request.

 

Truthfully, he knew it was time. He couldn’t avoid Jesse forever, but he didn’t have a clue about how to act in front of the man who had saved his life. Who knew if he would still be alive if Jesse hadn’t intervened that night? What WAS certain, however, was that if it hadn’t been for Jesse’s actions, his friend wouldn’t be lying in an hospital bed, either...paralyzed. Every time Brian thought about it, he felt sick. But he had to suck it up and be there for him, and stop the guilt he felt from threatening to overwhelm his life. Jesse deserved better than that.

 

They walked out of the elevator and met with Aaron in the corridor. Brian hadn’t seen the man since that fateful night, and as his eyes locked with him, he couldn’t tell what the man was thinking. However, Justin had informed Brian that Aaron had been there for Jesse ever since he had woken up, and as far as Brian was concerned it was all that mattered.

 

“Hey, Aaron,” Justin greeted the man.

 

“Hey, Justin,” Aaron greeted him back, before peering at Brian. “Brian, Michael.”

 

“Aaron,” Michael responded warmly while Brian just nodded at the other man.

 

“He’s waiting for you,” Aaron informed, staring at Brian. They were all about to head towards the room when Aaron specified, “Just you, Brian.”

 

“Okay,” Justin replied, gazing  at Michael with a concerned expression on his face.

 

Brian stared back at Aaron, sensing that the man wanted to say more. Sure enough, Aaron added, “Listen, Brian, I shouldn’t have said what I did the other night.”

 

Brian almost laughed. “You were right. No need to beat yourself up about it.” He heard Justin scowl softly next to him, and felt Michael touch his arm in support.

 

“You’re wrong. This wasn’t your fault,” Aaron insisted with a shake of his head. “But I get it; I would probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”

 

“Who knew we had so much in common, huh?” Brian quipped bitterly.

 

“Yeah…” Aaron agreed, before warning, “He is… he is not in a good place, you know? He is angry, so fucking angry.” He gazed away briefly and passed his hand through his hair. “I’m not sure how he is going to react when he sees you.”

 

“Has he talked about me at all?” Brian inquired quietly with a raise of his eyebrow, before clearing his throat, the tone of his voice betraying his inner feelings.

 

“Yes.” Aaron seemed uncomfortable. He sighed. “No. it’s complicated.”

 

“Thanks for the warning, but I’m a big boy. If Jesse needs to lash out at me, I can take it.” Brian stated firmly. He was about to walk into Jesse’s room when Aaron gripped his arm, effectively preventing him from moving. Brian peered down at his hand, before looking up at Aaron’s face quizzically.

 

“I… I’m sorry,” Aaron muttered and Brian stared at him with a frown. He was sorry? What for? For having been a dick that night? He had already apologized for that, so why was he doing it again?

 

Somehow, Brian refused to think about it any further, because he had a bad feeling about this. As Aaron released him, he threw one last glance at Justin and Michael, before finally heading towards Jesse’s door.

 

* * *

 

He knocked twice before entering the room, opening the door as softly as he could in case Jesse would be resting.

 

Jesse was lying on the bed, peering away towards the window, and Brian felt a surge of emotions rushing through him at the sight. His unmoving legs were hidden by the sheets, and for an instant Brian saw an image of his friend looking at him with a huge smile on his face, throwing his legs to the floor while ordering him to help get him the hell out of there, so they could go dance at Babylon like they had planned to before meeting with Spencer.

 

The image faded, and instead Brian felt an uneasiness invade him. No matter what was going to happen now, he was pretty sure they wouldn’t fall into each other’s arms. There was something electric filling the air, and Brian had to take a deep breath to slow the increasing tempo of his heartbeat.

 

When Jesse finally turned his head and their eyes met, Brian suddenly had trouble holding his gaze. He had never seen that look on his friend’s face before. It was cold, so fucking cold, as if all his feelings had vanished.

 

Brian stared away. He opened his mouth to breathe, and was about to talk when Jesse’s icy voice resonated in his ears.

 

“This is _your_ fault.”

 

Brian stared back at his friend, his eyes wide, but Jesse was now looking at his legs.

 

“You did this to me.” Jesse continued, blinking. “I asked you to stop provoking that psycho. I asked you to stop again and again. But you didn’t listen to me. You just let your fucking pride lead you, without a care in the world about what would happen next.” He snorted, as he glared back at Brian. “You just couldn’t help it, could you? You had to show him you were Brian _fucking_ Kinney. You couldn’t stand the fact that he had played you, YOU, the great God of Homo Heaven.”

 

Brian didn’t respond as Jesse laughed bitterly. They fell silent for a few seconds, before Jesse concluded, “I’m paralyzed. Fucking paralyzed. I might never walk ever again, just because you couldn’t stand that a man had played you. It wasn’t even about Justin, was it? It was about your ego. Your fucking ego did this to me.”

 

Under Jesse’s rage, Brian _felt_ his pain. His words were cutting through him so deeply, he couldn’t reply.

 

“This is over,” Jesse eventually added. Brian heard him, but it was as if he wasn’t there anymore. He couldn’t stand the look on Jesse’s face. He squeezed his eyes shut as Jesse confirmed, “You and I. It’s over. I want you out of my life.”

 

Brian’s face reflected how hurt he was. He nodded and turned around, intending to leave, but he stopped in front of the closed door.

 

“I’m sorry…” He whispered hoarsely without looking back, before exiting quietly.  He didn’t see Jesse’s silent tears falling as soon as he walked out the door.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	27. New beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My most sincere thoughts to the victims of the Nice attack.

**_Sunday Night, Brian’s Loft…_ **

  
  


Brian paused and took a deep breath before walking across his bedroom barefoot, feeling the warmth of the wooden floor beneath his feet. He had changed into a wife beater and a pair of blue Armani Jeans, his hair still a little damp from the hot shower he had just indulged in. 

  
  


Descending the three stairs separating the living room from the bedroom, he peered over to observe the familiar silhouette of the young delivery guy from the local Thai restaurant, just before Justin accepted the brown paper package and then pulled on the heavy door to close it as the man left. Turning around, Justin seemed surprised to see him as he gave him a tentative smile before heading towards the living room and placing the heavy bag down onto the coffee table. Justin pulled different variety of boxes from the large-sized bag and placed them on the table, the smell of the enticing food soon filling Brian’s nostrils and making him realize how hungry he was.  

  
  


“I ordered us some ‘Khao Man Gai’ and some ‘Pad Thai;’ I hope it’s okay,” Justin asked, his voice piercing the deafening silence as he stood there awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. 

  
  


Brian stared at him more carefully. Justin seemed nervous, which, surprisingly, helped him to feel less anxious by focusing on Justin’s guarded posture. In fact, his previous emerging anger had vanished.

  
  


He took a few steps and positioned himself at the other side of the table, leaning in to open up a couple of boxes. “You still remember my favorites,” he noticed as he peered inside the containers, a pleasant, unexpected feeling spreading through his chest.

  
  


“Hum...yeah,” Justin gazed away momentarily before looking up at Brian again.

  
  


Brian chose not to comment any further. He finally asked, “You paid for this?” It was a stupid question, obviously.  He knew the delivery guy didn’t just give it to him. 

  
  


“Yes. And don’t even try to pay me back,” Justin replied firmly with a small laugh, making Brian’s lips turn upward.

  
  


Brian walked around the table and placed his hands on Justin’s shoulders; he rubbed them briefly, effectively forcing the blond to relax as Brian relished the warmth of Justin’s body beneath his fingers. “Sit down,” he whispered in Justin’s ear,  waiting for him to comply before joining him on the comfortable cushions spread out on the white rug covering the floor.

  
  


“Here. Try this one. You’ll like it,” Brian promised as he took a box and gave it to Justin with a pair of chopsticks. 

  
  


“What is it?” Justin inquired as he opened it, peering suspiciously at its content.

  
  


“Pad Thai. Now eat,” Brian commanded with a slight nudge of his shoulder against his companion. He grabbed a box of his own and began to eat.

  
  


Justin took a small bite of his meal - made of shrimps, eggs and rice, with various sweet spices - and chewed slowly. He swallowed, and looked inside the carton box with renewed interest. “This Pad Thai is delicious,” he declared, sounding a little surprised. 

  
  


“I know,” Brian merely answered, as he ate his own chicken and rice, leaving the hot sauce on the side to add a little more spice to his food if he wanted. “Want to try mine?” He asked innocently, extending his chopsticks toward Justin with a piece of his ‘Kao Man Ghai’ before informing him, “It’s a little spicier than yours, but it shouldn’t bother your sensitive palate too much, since there’s no additional sauce on this bite.” As he finished his playful statement, he pinched his lips to prevent from grinning too hard, knowing exactly how Justin was going to react.

  
  


“Fuck you! My palate is just fine! Give me that!” Justin retorted, leaning forward to grasp the piece of food between his fingers before dipping it into the hot sauce on the coffee table, plopping it into his mouth and chewing it almost smugly.  His face, however, immediately contorted as he yelled out, “Fuck! It’s hot!”

  
  


Brian burst out laughing next to him. “Told you,” he reminded him, smirking before standing up and walking over to the fridge as Justin attempted to catch his breath, his mouth open as he fanned himself in a vain attempt to cool his fiery throat. Brian came back with a glass of milk and two bottles of water. “Here, drink this. The water won’t help for now, but the milk should.”

  
  


Justin grabbed the glass of milk and gulped it in one go before replying in an accusatory tone. “You did that on purpose. I hate you,” he eventually declared, punching Brian’s arm playfully when he felt like he could breathe again. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth, chuckling softly, but he didn’t comment. 

  
  


They both finished their meal in a comfortable silence, until Brian decided that they needed some pot to mellow out even more, rising from one of the cushions to retrieve an ashtray and his stash from a box on his office desk.

  
  


A few minutes later, he lit his joint and inhaled deeply; he was lying on his right side on the floor, his left leg bent as he supported himself with his right elbow. He eventually offered a drag to Justin, who was sitting next to Brian with his back to the coffee table, a cushion softening its hard edge.

  
  


“So…” Justin began after giving back the weed and exhaling slowly. Brian was pretty sure that his companion was finally going to come clean regarding Jesse’s phone call, so he waited for him to elaborate on their apparent renewed relationship. But Justin surprised him when after a long pause, he inquired instead, “How do you feel?”

  
  


“How do  _ I _ feel?” Brian repeated the question with a raise of his eyebrow. Justin peered over at him tentatively, and Brian thought he detected a hint of fear in his eyes. He sighed deeply. Whatever feelings he might have regarding Jesse, he was realizing that it was his problem to deal with, not Justin’s, and he didn’t want the blond to feel like he couldn’t trust him. “Justin…” 

  
  


“Come on, Brian… First, we went to search for your missing father, and now you learn about me being in contact with Jesse. It would be a lot to deal with for any man, so...” Justin paused, opting not to finish his thought. It was pretty clear what he wanted to convey, anyway. 

  
  


Brian barked out a laugh, as he crushed his joint into the ashtray, waving the remaining smoke away from the air with his hand before tilting his head to look back at Justin. “So because I’m a drama queen, you don’t understand why I’m not freaking out right now?” He surmised with a raise of his eyebrows.

  
  


“Uhh…” Justin cleared his throat. “Well, you’re the hottest drama queen I know, but yeah, pretty much,” he admitted, pursing his lips.

  
  


Brian nodded as he chuckled again. When his laughter died out in his throat, his eyes lingered on Justin’s face, on his eyes, on his beautiful yet bashful expression, and he suddenly realized how glad he was to have his former lover back in his life, allowing him to relish in the easygoing banter they had always shared in the past. The intimacy wasn’t the only thing that had defined them all those years ago; the camaraderie they had shared also being an important part, maybe even a bigger one, in their relationship. Brian would be forever grateful for that, even if he lost Justin in the end. But right now he silently vowed to himself that it would never happen again.

  
  


Justin was now looking at him quizzically, and Brian understood that he was still waiting for him to elaborate on how he felt about his father and Jesse. He was surprised, but content, to realize that he wanted Justin to know how he felt. Maybe it was the weed that was causing it, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to hide anymore. 

  
  


So he admitted in a gentle tone, “I can’t blame you for being afraid of my reaction. But I can assure you, I’m fine.” He gazed away. “For one, my father is okay. I even called him ‘Dad’ today. That was a first,” he revealed, wanting to appear as nonchalant as he could, but failing. From the look in Justin’s eyes, it was easy to guess that the blond understood perfectly what it really meant for Brian and his father.

  
  


“That’s amazing,” Justin couldn’t help but comment with a soft smile. “I mean, I never would have imagined that you would call him Dad one day, and be so close to him. But he really _ is _ your Dad. It’s so obvious how much he loves you.”

  
  


“Yeah... amazing,” Brian agreed, a strange, yet peaceful feeling invading him at the thought. His eyes searched for Justin’s gaze and he realized that his former lover was staring at him with a small, soft smile on his lips. Brian blinked. He could feel his body reacting, his cock getting hard just from Justin’s eyes gazing at him.

  
  


Just then, however, he noticed Justin’s smile falter slowly as he sensed the blond’s mood shifting imperceptibly.

  
  


He stayed quiet and waited for Justin to speak. He finally rubbed his face and confided,  “Regarding Jesse...I don’t really know what to say to you.” Justin shook his head slightly before explaining, “I met with him again about three years ago. I was going to see this exhibition featuring a promising photographer in New York, and...he was there,” Justin disclosed, gazing away while smiling fondly at the memory. “We spent the night talking about everything and nothing, and we promised each other that we would keep in touch. However, I never saw him again; only that one time. I moved to Italy a few months after that night, and as you know I never came back to the States until I moved back a couple of months ago. But we call each other regularly. He knows I’m back in Pittsburgh, and I think...I think maybe it has triggered something for him, too.” 

  
  


There was so much more Justin wanted to say. In addition, he wasn’t happy that Brian had to find out that he was in contact with his former friend so unexpectedly, especially on a day like this when he already had to deal with Jack’s memories. Justin knew how much Jesse had meant to Brian once; and he was pretty sure it had never changed. But for now, he didn’t want to overwhelm Brian with too much information, so he focused on the one truth he wanted Brian to understand. “I never meant to hide it from you. I just…Jesse never came up in our conversations lately, you know?” he explained with a shrug, passing his hand through his hair and feeling annoyed at himself.  “And knowing how you felt about him; how you still feel…”

  
  


“You don’t know  _ how  _ I feel,” Brian cut him off immediately. Even if it would be a lie to say that Justin’s revelation wasn’t affecting him at all, he couldn’t let Justin think that nothing had changed regarding his state of mind concerning Jesse’s rejection, either. He had made peace with that part of his life a long time ago.

  
  


Justin frowned, misunderstanding Brian’s statement. “Brian…”

  
  


“No, Justin. You don’t know,” Brian repeated, hoping his companion would listen to him. “I’m not that same twenty-seven-year old stud who couldn’t deal with his guilt and couldn’t find anything better to do than destroy what meant the most to him. Not anymore. Believe it or not, I’ve finally grown up, and I’m perfectly fine with it,” Brian declared, meaning every word and knowing that Justin could hear how sincere he was. “Jesse left. He didn’t leave  _ me _ , he decided that he couldn’t deal with what had happened to him by staying in the Pitts. And sure, he hated me at the time, and I’d be lying if I’d told you that it didn’t hurt like a mother fucker at the time to know that I was the one  _ he _ blamed for his condition...”

  
  


Justin cut him off again. “It wasn’t your fault,” he firmly defended him, making Brian’s lips turn upward against his will. The blond might have left him because he had behaved like a stupid asshole in the end, but he had never stopped correcting anyone who insinuated that Brian had anything to do with Spencer’s actions and their unfortunate, irreversible consequences.

  
  


“I realize that now,”  Brian replied, causing a look of surprise to appear on Justin’s face. “But I was so fucked up back then, I was unable to understand that I wasn’t guilty, and I wasn’t willing to actually listen to you or anyone else.” 

  
  


Hearing what Brian had to say, Justin was experiencing all kinds of feelings at the moment. Brian was still the same person: arrogant, hot as hell, honest to a fault, caring, and so much more. But he was also so…different from the man he recalled from the past. Before, he would have never admitted his faults, much less let go of the guilt he was feeling. 

  
  


Justin was pondering whether or not he should question Brian about the reason why he had changed his mind when Brian scooted over to sit closer to him as he continued. “I know now that blaming myself is counterproductive, even if there’ll always be a part of me that’ll regret having provoked Spencer that night. I’m not sure I will ever succeed in accepting what happened to Jesse as a result. Ultimately I lost him because of it, and even after all these years, it’s still so fucking hard,” he admitted softly with a half-smile.  But his attempt at reassuring Justin didn’t succeed; his eyes betrayed his sorrow.

  
  


Justin couldn’t help it. Without giving it a second thought, he leaned forward to cover Brian’s hand with his own before interlacing their fingers together. Brian peered up at him with a question in his eyes but he didn’t move as Justin took a deep breath, ignoring the spark he was sure Brian was feeling, too.

 

Instead he chose to ask, “But you do realize you weren’t the reason that Spencer attacked you both...right? That he was just a fucking sick nutcase who was intent on killing you; something you could never have predicted.” 

  
  


Brian gazed back at their entwined hands and rubbed his thumb on the side of Justin’s hand, the touch feeling so intimate, so...right. After a short silence, he peered up at Justin’s concerned face, and responded quietly, “Yeah.  Yeah, I know.”

  
  


Justin held Brian’s gaze as he felt his heart beat faster. “You always claimed it was your fault in the past. What made you change your mind?” he gently probed.

  
  


Brian’s thumb stilled, and he squeezed Justin’s hand before releasing it as he admitted softly, “It was you…” 

  
  


Justin’s heart skipped a beat. “Me?”

  
  


“Yes.” Brian blinked. “Jesse wasn’t the only one that I lost. But unlike him,  _ I _ ’m the only one to blame for you leaving me.” 

  
  


It was true. While Brian had debated countless times with himself regarding his responsibility in Jesse’s accident, he had never doubted once that his selfishness following Jesse’s departure had led the only man he had ever loved to leave him.

  
  


Brian sensed that Justin was having a difficult time accepting what he was openly conveying with his words. So the brunet shook his head, insisting, “No. Don’t even try. You know I’m right. I hated myself back then, and I made you pay for that.”

  
  


Still, Justin couldn’t remain silent.  “I… Maybe I could have...”

  
  


“Justin…” Brian interrupted him by grabbing the back of his neck in order to force the blond to look at him,  _ really _ look at him. 

  
  


When he was sure that he had his full attention, he let his hand fall to his side. Raising his eyebrows pointedly to accentuate what he was about to say, he finally declared with a strong voice, “Let me refresh your memory; I redefined promiscuity from a regional to a unheard-of level, and slept with more men in six months than in the three years we had been together; and I don’t need to remind you that considering the slut I already was before, I really became a world-class champion, totally stupid and intending on causing as much pain as I could. Not to mention that I was high as often as I could, and I even slept with Lindsay for fuck’s sake!”

  
  


Even today, Brian had a hard time understanding how he could have gone so far.  Just recalling his past behavior made him want to shake and yell at his younger self. “And the worst part was that I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I had hurt you, or her, or anybody else, as long as I could drown myself in booze, sex and drugs and satisfy my own needs,” Brian stated, clearly disgusted with himself. “And then, Lindsay got pregnant, and all I wanted was for her to get an abortion. Christ! I was a fucking asshole, a guy who was only thinking about himself, and who didn’t care about the pain he was inflicting in the process. I couldn’t even see that you couldn’t take it anymore. I took you for granted, believing that you would always stay by my side and support my bullshit no matter what.”

  
  


Grief and guilt could be such a powerful drug. In Brian’s case, it had increased his demons ten-fold, making him forget and even sabotage everything else. And after a while, the numbness had become his new lifestyle. Who knows how long it would have lasted if Justin hadn’t left? If Gus hadn’t been born? 

  
  


Playing ‘what if’ wasn’t something Brian wanted to explore, though. He was sincere when he proclaimed that regrets were a waste of time, even if it had not always been that simple. The past couldn’t be changed, and it was a given that he would make some other mistakes along the way. That’s what life was about. That’s also why the present was the only thing that Brian wanted to focus on. And right now, he wanted Justin to forgive him, more than anything else.  He  _ needed _ him to forgive him. 

  
  


Therefore, Brian kept going. “When you left…I don’t know. I think it took me at least six months to realize that you weren’t coming back,” he revealed, unable to hide the edge in his voice, and Justin felt a squeeze in his chest. Brian  sighed. “I was still drinking like a fish and I even refused to see Lindsay during her pregnancy. I was angry at her and blaming her for you leaving me.” He huffed as he recalled how much of a prick he had been at the time. “The only one who stayed by my side was Michael. I’m not sure how he tolerated me, and honestly, I suspect it had more to do with him thinking that I would kill myself if he bailed on me, too, than because he wanted to support me, even though he was angry at you for leaving, and I was kind of pleased that he was. Emmy Lou, on the other hand, gave me the cold shoulder for a while. He always had a soft spot for you.” 

  
  


Justin smiled at that. “It’s the blond hair,” he quipped on purpose, offering Brian a way out of their conversation.

  
  


Brian wasn’t fooled, though. “I think…” he began, but then he stopped.

  
  


“What?” Justin insisted.

  
  


Brian peered up at Justin again. He opened his mouth, but no words escaped his lips.  A few seconds elapsed before he finally succeeded in finding his voice back.  “It took me so fucking long to realize how wrong I’d been. It was ironic in a way. I had to lose you but have Gus appear in my life before I could finally move on, and I’m…” He hesitated before finally uttering softly, “I hope one day, you will forgive me for shutting you out; and ultimately, for not letting you have any other choice but to leave me.”

  
  


_ God _ . Justin felt like his heart was going to break, or melt, or whatever. The feelings he had for this man at the moment were indescribable. Sure, he had dreamed of Brian actually giving a shit so many times during the last six months before their breakup; but the realization that he had chosen to open up to him today, more than eight years later, was stunning in light of the fact that he had just learned about Jesse being a part of Justin’s life again.  It was solid proof that Brian’s apology was, indeed both honest and sincere.

  
  


However, as much as it meant to him, Justin couldn’t quite let go of the pain it has caused him as he candidly whispered back, his voice choked with emotion, “I loved you. I loved you so fucking much, Brian. You broke my heart.”

  
  


Brian squeezed his eyes shut at Justin’s words. He knew it was true. Hell, he hadn’t broken Justin’s heart back then, but his own, too. 

  
  


“And yet, you’re here…” Brian replied as he opened his eyes again.

  
  


Justin blinked before nodding imperceptibly. “I am,” he confirmed. No matter what, all those years when Justin had tried to forget about Brian had vanished now. His mind remembered it all now - the bad but also the good. He wanted to believe that they had a chance to be together once more, to be happy. Fuck, he wanted to believe in it so much, it was scary. But the thought of losing Brian again was even more terrifying. 

  
  


So, Justin leaned in closer, causing Brian to stare back at him, his eyes moving restlessly as if waiting for a silent gesture, for an unspoken but hoped-for message. Afraid of misinterpreting it, however, he stayed still, allowing the blond to make a choice, one which would irrevocably change everything; for both of them. 

 

* * *

 

**_The Next Morning..._ **

  
  


Brian heard the ringtone of his cellphone assaulting his ears, but his eyelids didn’t want to open. His mind was foggy, and it took him a moment to succeed in getting a grasp on reality. When he did, the phone stopped his incessant ring, but something else captured Brian’s attention: the familiar sound of water cascading in a shower stall. HIS shower stall. Except, he wasn’t the one using it, so…

  
  


Images from the previous day flooded him like a waterfall. Justin, his father, the Institute, Jesse’s phone call, their discussion and then… 

  
  


Brian blinked. A smile appeared on his lips. Peering at the empty side of the bed next to him, he leaned over to touch the sheets, still warm beneath his fingers. He stayed lying there a little longer, shutting his eyes and remembering what all of this really meant. 

  
  


He was about to get up when his cellphone started to ring again. Guessing who his persistent caller had to be - and knowing he wouldn’t stop until he answered - Brian sighed, extending his arm far enough to grab his phone lying on the floor, still snuggled in the pocket of his discarded jeans. 

 

“Mikey,” he greeted his friend with a stern voice, plopping himself onto his back. “It’s…” He lifted his head and peered up at the clock situated on the nightstand, only to discover it was already ten to eight. “Fuck! I’m late!” He cursed under his breath, standing up hastily and picking up the rest of his clothes from the floor, the phone stuck between his ear and his shoulder.

  
  


“I know it’s still early, but I called to ask you about your dad. Are you okay?” Michael inquired, unable to hide his concern. 

  
  


Brian realized that with all that had happened the day before, he’d forgotten to call Lindsay back, even though he had texted his friend to tell her that they had found Jack, and that he was okay. Obviously, though, Michael had talked with the girls; hence the early, motherly, and utterly annoying phone call. Of course, a part of Brian’s mind was also delighted that his best friend cared so much about what happened to him or his father, but he would never tell that to a living soul.

  
  


“I’m fine. Jack is fine,” Brian reassured Michael curtly, peering over the closed door of the bathroom when he heard the water stop running.

  
  


“You’re sure?” Michael asked, not convinced. Brian also sensed a hesitation in his voice, and instinctively knew exactly what was going through his friend’s mind:  he didn’t believe him.

  
  


“Michael.”  Brian captured his attention, enunciating his name properly so that his friend would know he was being honest. “I’m okay, I promise. And Jack is okay, too. In fact, we are  _ more  _ than okay. We…” Brian started to share, but he didn’t know exactly how to describe what he wanted to say. So, he opted for something simple. “We’re in a good place. And I’m… I’m happy that we are.”  He rolled his lips in his mouth, feeling almost shy after having uttered such a confession.

  
  


Michael didn’t respond immediately, but Brian could hear him breathing through the phone, indicating that he was still here. Eventually, his friend murmured, “I… it’s great, Brian. Really, it’s…” His voice trailed off. 

  
  


“Thanks,” Brian replied quickly, not wanting Michael to go all emotional on him or to ask any other questions. If he knew his father had disappeared, he was probably also aware of Justin’s presence when it had happened. “Now, if you will excuse me, I have to hurry for my nine a.m. meeting. Mr. Brown will have my balls if I’m late, and I need them too much to let that happen.”

  
  


“How about lunch?” Michael hastily asked, not missing a beat and causing Brian to huff in response. Getting rid of a Novotny had never been an easy task.

  
  


Brian thought it over and shrugged.  “Sure. The diner, 12:30 p.m. Don’t be late.” Michael would track him down until he said yes anyway, so there was no point in refusing his invitation. 

  
  


“Okay, great! See you!” Michael confirmed, obviously satisfied, before hanging up.

  
  


Brian shook his head and shut off his cell before throwing it on the bed and walking towards the bathroom. He paused in front of the door, leaning his forehead against it and placing his hand palm-down on the hard surface, as his thoughts traveled back to last night. The memory brought another smile to his face. And a boner. He couldn’t wait to experience what he had felt a few hours ago again...and again. Over and over.

  
  


‘Never enough’ took on a whole new meaning when he was talking about Justin Taylor. It always had. And now, Brian was fervently hoping that it always would, too.

  
  


* * *

  
  


That same day, at exactly 9:48 a.m, a plane was about to land on the cold asphalt of Pittsburgh’s airport. It was a sunny day for a return, and the man sitting in the front row couldn’t help but stare through the window at the familiar sight before his eyes. This city had been a part of his life for a long time, and seeing it again suddenly made him want to laugh. The ghost of a smile appeared on his lips, but it soon was replaced by a melancholy expression. He bit his lips and searched for his lover’s hand, who immediately responded by slipping his fingers through his, the simple gesture soothing his nerves and soul.

  
  


“You’re ready?” Aaron asked a few minutes later, peering at his lover while he unbuckled his seatbelt as the plane finally came to a stop at the gate.

  
  


Jesse looked at him before gazing away towards the window. He finally nodded and declared, “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” before grasping his lover’s hand again, a swirl of emotions threatening to overwhelm him.

  
  


He was home.  _ Finally. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. You will have to beg me for me to write the missing scene here ;)


	28. This is just goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: November 2005 / March 2006

 

**_November 2005…_ **

  
  


After that visit to see Jesse at the hospital, Brian avoided everyone. During the couple of days that followed, he went to work in the morning and came home every night after midnight, without uttering a word.

  


On Thursday night, Justin couldn’t take it anymore, so when Brian came home earlier than expected he confronted him about his feelings, pushing him to talk and even threatening to leave him when that didn’t work, hoping to trigger some kind of reaction. When Brian merely stared at him before grabbing some clothes and walking out the door, the blond was shocked but too dumbfounded to react.

  


Brian didn’t come home that night. In fact, he disappeared for four days.

  


On Saturday, when Justin entered the diner, he could feel the patrons’ gazes on him and hear their whispering. As he joined Michael, Emmett, and Ted, who were already sitting in a booth at the back of the diner, one look at his friends and he immediately knew that he wouldn’t like what he was going to learn.

  


Unfortunately, Brian’s exploits were the latest, hottest gossip on Liberty Avenue. While he had already been famous for his ‘fuck them and leave them’ philosophy, it was nothing compared to what was happening now. Let’s just say that the word ‘promiscuous’ was barely adequate to describe Brian’s new life.

  


In the succeeding weeks, Justin tried to talk to Brian about it. He tried everything he could think of. The soft approach. Yelling. Hell, he even cried once. But while Brian could obviously hear what Justin was saying, he refused to listen to him. It was as if he had lost the ability to act like a normal human being and to connect with his emotions. In fact, he looked like a fucking zombie most days, acting on autopilot, and not giving a shit about anything or anyone. As if it was too hard to feel, and easier to run away.

  


Justin wondered how long he would be able to handle it. He was human, after all, and even if he loved Brian with all his heart, what if it wasn’t enough in the end? What then? Was he going to stay and let his lover drown them both? Would Brian finally wake up and stop punishing himself? Stop punishing every person who loved him?

  


The worst part was that Justin couldn’t find anyone to blame. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He blamed Spencer. He hated him so much for all the pain he had inflicted upon his friends. Maybe it was wrong of him to feel that way, considering the man was sick and couldn’t be held responsible for his actions. Yet, a mental illness didn’t erase the fact that he had planned to kill Brian, and the weight of that truth had destroyed any compassion he might have felt for the man under other circumstances. Justin didn’t care that it wasn’t the man’s fault. For him, Spencer was to blame. And the hatred he felt was so powerful it scared him sometimes.

  


And then, there was Jesse. At first, Justin wanted to be angry at him. He was so pissed when he realized that whatever had happened in that room between Brian and Jesse had led the man he loved to slowly drink, drug, and fuck in an effort to push his pain away. That’s why he stormed into the hospital a few days later, set on talking some sense into Jesse. He was ready to confront him, and force him to listen to him. But his hope was dashed as soon as he saw Aaron walking out of the room.

  


When Aaron saw him, he immediately understood from Justin’s determined step and expression that the young man was on a mission. Consequently, Aaron had no other choice but to stand in his way and stop him from entering Jesse’s room.

  


“If you think you’re going to see him while feeling like you do, think again,” Aaron stated curtly, without giving Justin a chance to object.

  


“I need to see him.” Justin ignored Aaron’s warning and tried to move past him, but the man stopped him, grabbing his forearms and forcing him to step back. “Aaron, let me in,” he insisted, as he felt his anger increasing.

  


“No,” Aaron flatly refused, as he walked Justin backwards, trapping him against the nearest wall. “If you have something to say to Jesse, you will say it to me. Because whether you want to believe it or not, he is NOT in any shape to listen to you right now.”

  


“Fuck you!” Justin pushed Aaron away, placing his hands against the man’s chest, but he didn’t try again to force his way into Jesse’s room. He shook his head several times and finally stated, “You can’t tell me what to do. I have to talk to Jesse.”

  


“You can’t,” Aaron refused again.

  


Something in the tone of his voice made Justin pause, but he decided to ignore it for now as he retorted bitterly, “Says who? You?”

  


“Justin…” Aaron pronounced his name and this time, Justin couldn’t ignore the crack in his voice. “Jesse is in a bad place right now. His blood pressure is too high, and he is suffering with severe headaches. He could even have a stroke. His body isn’t adjusting well to his physical limitations. So, no; he can’t listen to you. Literally. Do you get it or not?” By now, he was losing his usual composure, his deep concern and pain evident to anyone who might have been listening to their conversation.

  


“Fuck,” Justin not-so-eloquently replied as he stepped sideways, peering at Jesse’s door and feeling a rush of anxiety running through him, too.

  


Aaron sighed, passing his hand nervously through his hair. He leaned against the wall, his head back, and Justin stayed silent as he waited for him to speak again. After a minute, and when he was sure Justin wouldn’t try anything else to make him change his mind, Aaron eventually commented, “I could use some coffee right now.”

  


Justin agreed with a small nod, while staring at Aaron’s dark circles under his eyes. “When was the last time you slept, anyway?” he inquired.

  


Aaron merely shrugged and didn’t respond, as he began to walk towards the elevators. Justin followed him, and they waited in silence for the lift, both lost in their own thoughts. A few minutes later, they sat down in the hospital’s cafeteria, each holding a cup of coffee in their hands.

  


Sitting there, the natural sunlight shining through the windows and defining Aaron’s haggard features, Justin was made even more aware of his haggard appearance. “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.

  


Aaron snorted. “Could be better.”

  


“Sorry. Stupid question.” Justin rubbed the back of his neck before gazing down at his coffee and playing with his plastic spoon. “Do you need any help with… anything?” he couldn’t help but ask as he peered over at Jesse’s lover, even if he knew that he would probably turn him down.

  


Aaron shrugged. He gazed away. “I just…I don’t know what to do. Jesse is so… he is depressed and angry and I’m trying, you know, I’m really trying, and I’m just…”

  


“Hey,” Justin leaned across the table and squeezed Aaron’s hand briefly, effectively cutting him off, before releasing his grip. “You’re doing everything you can.”

  


“It’s not enough,” Aaron countered immediately and blinked, obviously trying not to lose it. He really was exhausted, in more ways than one.

  


“You’re wrong.” Justin insisted firmly, waiting for Aaron to look at him as he added, “You’ve put your whole life on hold for him. And you’re here every day, supporting him, caring about him... _loving_ him. You’re the reason why he is hanging on right now.”

  


“You think?” Aaron replied with a bitter laugh. “Because from where I stand, there is not a lot I can do to make him feel better.”

  


“Don’t lose hope. And don’t forget that you’re the only one he allows to be close to him. That should tell you something.” Justin tried to reassure him as best as he could. Honestly, Aaron was blind if he couldn’t see that his presence was helping Jesse more than anything else, even if Jesse still had a long road to recovery ahead of him.

  


Aaron stared at his coffee and began to roll the cup between his hands. He finally drank a sip, grimacing at its bitterness, but took another one nonetheless. “I tried to talk to him about Brian,” he revealed out of the blue.

  


“You did?” Justin questioned with a frown.

  


Aaron nodded. “I know Jesse pushed him away. He didn’t tell me exactly what he said, but he didn’t need to. When Brian came to visit him, he was…” Aaron rubbed his forehead and let out a heavy sigh. “He needs someone to blame and to lash out against, and he chose Brian,” he eventually declared, shaking his head and leaning back against his chair.  He sighed. “I’m sorry about this; I really am. And I know you want me to make him change his mind, but I’m afraid it’s not going to happen.”

  


“Why do you say that?”

  


“Jesse…” Aaron began, “...is in a ‘loop’. It’s like he can’t see any other truth than his own at the moment, and considering how depressed and angry he feels, I assure you it’s a bad, bad place to be. And more than anything else, there are his health issues to consider, and frankly, it’s too much for him to handle right now. He needs to focus on nothing except breaking out of this funk he’s in, and getting better. And by that I mean accepting that his condition could be permanent and that it’s not the end of the world. Staying alive and not letting himself just survive. Hell, staying alive and not having a stroke because of this fucking autonomic dysreflexia is all I’m asking for right now…” Aaron took a deep breath at that point and pinched his lips before continuing, “I’ve accepted his condition and have assured him like a thousand times already that my feelings for him won’t ever change, but Jesse is still fighting me, refusing this new reality. He hasn’t accepted what has happened to him. He is keeping everyone at arm's length; even his own brother can’t get through to him. In a way, it’s like he _can’t_ move on. And unfortunately, that’s also why he can’t deal with Brian.” He paused, before concluding, “And no offense, but for now, I’d prefer that he focus on his health, rather than making peace with your boyfriend.”

  


Justin stayed silent after Aaron’s diatribe. He wanted to deny his words and insist on how important it was for Jesse to ‘forgive’ Brian. In a way, Justin was sure it was. Maybe then, Jesse would be able to accept what had happened to him and deal with it in the best way possible. Sure, becoming a paraplegic because he had protected a friend completely sucked, but he was still alive. And who knew what tomorrow had in store for him? Maybe he didn’t want to _believe_ , but then his friends, his family, would believe _for_ him until he could. They would be with him every step of the way, until he rediscovered what he had lost. His will to smile, to live. That is, if Jesse let them, and if he let Brian come back into his life.

  


Still, now was not the time to convince him that he was making the wrong choice. Jesse needed to focus on his health. If his life was still in danger because his body refused to adjust to the lack of movement and sensation, then making peace with his best friend wasn’t his first priority. Staying alive was. Justin wished he could do more for Jesse, though. But he was still grateful that his friend had allowed Aaron to stay by his side, even if he was obviously shutting everyone else out , including Brian; _especially_ Brian.

  


“Aaron,” Justin spoke after a long pause. “Just so you know...if you or Jesse needs anything, anything at all, I’m here. We’re all here.”

  


“Thanks,” Aaron nodded, understanding what Justin was really trying to convey.

  


Michael, Emmett, Ted, Debbie, Lindsay, and Brian all loved Jesse and wanted to be there to support him, no matter what. Justin discerned the ghost of a smile on Aaron’s lips at Justin’s words, and he prayed that Jesse would be better soon. What he was going through was unfair, the result of one man’s insanity. Unfortunately, there were ugly people in this world, but Justin took solace in thinking that there also were beautiful, extraordinary men and women whose paths he would cross during his lifetime. For instance, Aaron hadn’t hesitated in giving up everything for Jesse. He was a freelance webmaster, so he could work from any place, really, but still, Justin knew he’d had to rearrange his life to be by Jesse’s side as much as he was. Men like him gave Justin the hope he needed to believe that they would all have their happy ending one day.

  


Refocusing his thoughts on the moment, Justin noticed that Jesse’s lover was staring at him. Several seconds passed before Aaron finally asked, “How is he?”

  


“Brian?” Justin questioned. Aaron nodded. “He is…”

  


_Trying to turn his pain into nothingness, to become numb,_ Justin wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out.

  


Aaron must have seen something on Justin’s face, however, because he declared, “I will try… I’m not making any promises, but I will try talking to Jesse, only not till the time is right, okay?”

  


“Okay,” Justin approved with a nod.

  


Justin’s hope would be fulfilled in the end. Jesse would eventually realize how wrong he’d been to blame his best friend for his paralysis. In fact, he would realize a lot of things when the time came. However, it would take him years to learn from his mistakes, and even longer to fix them.

  


Although Justin didn’t know it yet, nine long years would pass before Jesse and Brian would see each other again.

 

* * *

  


**_January 2006..._ **

  


Aaron felt almost hopeless. He wasn’t giving up, but he didn’t know what to do to help his lover. Jesse’s autonomic dysreflexia had been brought under control, and he had been transferred to a rehabilitation center in late November, but he was still experiencing  physical distress. That was partly because Jesse was resisting the therapy that would gradually increase his range of motion, and let him act for himself rather than depending on others. He was still unwilling to accept that he could no longer use his legs, and Aaron didn’t know how to deal with the anger that was eating Jesse from within, erasing his hope and his usual fighting spirit. It was like the man he loved was slowly disappearing before his eyes, with Aaron a helpless bystander.

  


“You have to let them help you, Jesse,” Aaron told him one day, when Jesse had yet again refused to join the group therapy. They were in his room. Jesse was sitting in a wheelchair by the window, while Aaron was standing behind him.

  


“Who? The doctors? The physical therapists? The fucking shrinks? You?” Jesse snarled, gazing sideways before rolling the wheelchair around to face Aaron. “Don’t you understand? I want you, _all_ of you, to leave me alone! What’s the point in trying to regain any feeling in my legs when I already know it’s pointless?”

  


“How can you know? Are you a fucking psychic now?” Aaron spat back. He was tired of Jesse’s dour, gloom-and-doom attitude. Since his lover had been brought here for his rehabilitation, Aaron had met other patients, patients who were fighting to get better, who weren’t complaining all the time, and - most of all - who had showed him that Jesse could live. He could fucking _live_ , have a life, a good, happy one, if only he would try and stop letting his depression dictate his will.

  


Jesse just looked away at Aaron’s words. When he spoke again, his voice was quieter, but the sorrow was definitely there. “I can feel it in my guts, Aaron. All the medical staff is trying to sell me is bullshit.”

  


“So, that’s it. You’re going to lie in a bed or sit a wheelchair all day and do nothing?” Aaron couldn’t help but bark. How could Jesse not realize how wrong he was? Where was the man Aaron loved so much?

  


“I didn’t say that,” Jesse denied, without looking Aaron in the eyes.

  


“Look at me,” Aaron demanded quietly. “Fucking _look_ at me,” he repeated firmly, as he went to kneel in front of Jesse. “You’re going to get through this.” Jesse averted his gaze, but Aaron forced him to return his stare by grabbing his chin and tilting it toward himself. When Jesse finally peered up, Aaron declared, “We’re going to get through this. If I have to move us to another country to make that happen, I will. I know you don’t believe you can get any better, so I will believe for both of us until you can believe it, too. And when you do, I’ll still be there by your side. Do you understand me?” Aaron finished his tirade by letting his hand fall onto Jesse’s. His lover looked down and immediately slipped his fingers through Aaron’s.

  


“It’s so hard, Aaron,” Jesse confessed, his anger dissipating while he fought not to break down. “I don’t know if I can do it.”

  


“You can. I know you can.” Aaron raised his hand to caress Jesse’s cheek.

  


“I want to leave, Aaron. I can’t stay here. I can’t... I…”

  


“If you want to leave, we will leave. Your doctor actually told me about a rehabilitation facility in Baltimore which could be great for you. Maybe a change of scenery would help,” Aaron suggested. Maybe Jesse needed it. Sometimes, a complete change in a person’s environment could help them move past a traumatic event, right? “Think about it, okay?”

  


“You would come with me?” Jesse asked, and Aaron nodded. “You would leave everything? For me?”

  


“Have you ever doubted it? Which part of ‘I love you’ don’t you understand?” Aaron replied with a soft smile.

  


Jesse felt a knot forming in his throat. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve such a devoted boyfriend, one who would stay by his side no matter what. Even if he wanted to fight Aaron and push him away in an attempt to give him his freedom, he knew he wouldn’t succeed, that Aaron wouldn’t let go. His lover was the only thing in his life that felt right and, truthfully, if he lost him, too, he felt like he wouldn’t survive. Aaron had instilled the tiniest hint of hope deep inside Jesse that maybe, just maybe, he could overcome the loss of his legs and still lead a meaningful, productive life. He just had to hold onto that hope, and believe that it would be enough.

  


“I love you,” Jesse breathed out. “Fuck. I love you,” he repeated, overwhelmed by the whole conversation and the depth of emotion in his lover’s voice.

  


Aaron smiled at him softly and raised his hand again to caress Jesse’s face. “We will get through this,” he stated firmly, earning a small smile to appear on his lover’s lips.

  


And for now, yes;  it was enough.

  


* * *

  


**_March 2006…_ **

  


The ringing of the doorbell resonated in the air as Michael walked hurriedly into the diner. Rain was pouring down outside, amplifying his already bad mood. Michael plopped himself into the booth with a heavy sigh.

  


“Bad day at the store?” Emmett inquired as he peered over at his frowning friend while stirring his own lukewarm chocolate.

  


“I wish,” Michael responded as he shrugged out of his wet coat and took off his scarf. Then he tried to get the intention of the busboy, but the twenty-something redhead was dealing with too many orders at once, and rushing between the kitchen and the patrons, trying to keep everyone satisfied. Frustrated, Michael barked, “Can we get some service here?”

  


“Michael!” Emmett admonished, observing that his friend seemed pissed off. “Don’t talk to poor Ryan like that! You’ve barely been here for five seconds!”

  


“I just want some Coke! Is it too much to ask?” Michael insisted.

  


“Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong, baby? Maybe I can help,” Emmett offered, sensing that his friend needed to get out whatever frustration he was dealing with right now.

  


“Why do you think anything is wrong?” Michael weakly denied.

  


Emmett responded with a raise of his eyebrow. “Well, you barge in here, don’t even say ‘hello,’ and start yelling at Ryan for no good reason. Obviously, something is wrong.”

  


Michael took a deep breath. “I just got off the phone with Justin.”

  


“Ahhh. So this is about Brian, right?” Emmett surmised, not surprised that his former roommate was yet again the subject of everyone’s anger and concern. Truthfully, he was really worried about him, too. To say that Brian had taken Jesse’s rejection hard would be a huge understatement. Emmett had even tried to intervene a couple of weeks ago, after he had seen Brian flirting with a drug dealer at Babylon. He had been completely wasted and high, in such a state that even Emmett had been scared, the remembrance of another time when Brian had lost his family immediately coming to mind. What if his friend went too far? He couldn’t just sit by and watch Brian destroy himself and do nothing. So he had invited him over the next day, pretending to need a fake advertizing tip, and he had tried to interrogate him subtly on his feelings. Obviously, it hadn’t worked. Brian was too smart not to understand where Emmett was going with his ‘subtle’ questions, and he had smirked at him with that all-knowing, smug smile he could plaster on his face sometimes, before calling him a princess and leaving for another night of excess. From the look of it, it hadn’t been the last time, however. Knowing his past history, then, Emmett finally asked, ”What has he done this time? Or maybe I should ask, what _hasn’t_ he done?”

  


Michael snorted, rubbing his face nervously. He, too, had had to deal with Brian’s destructive behavior since Jesse’s rejection of their friendship. Not only that, but he was also trying to support Justin as much as he could, reassuring him that Brian’s spiral into the world of chemicals and booze was only temporary. But who was he kidding? The only time Michael had seen Brian acting like this had been after his family’s death. And, then, it had been Jesse who had finally succeeded in bringing him back. Michael was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to get through to Brian now that Jesse was the cause of Brian’s withdrawal. If Justin couldn’t reach Brian, either, and - even worse - if his lover actually got too tired to try any longer and finally decided to leave, what would happen to Brian? It was an endless cycle, one from which Michael didn’t know how to escape.

  


Deep down, Michael was scared shitless for Brian. He was also worried that Justin would be hurt even more than he already had been. And he was feeling helpless regarding Jesse.  

  


But he couldn’t deal with so many feelings, so being angry at his best friend was easier right now. That’s why he groused, “Brian hasn’t come home in ten days. Can you believe it? Ten fucking days! He barely informed Justin that he wouldn’t be there, pretending that he had to travel for work. I mean, even if it’s true, he is acting like a fucking shit to Justin right now! Does he expect his lover - the man who has shared his life for the last couple of years, who has never let him down, who has stayed by his side even when he was being a prick to him - does he really expect him to stay at home and play the dutiful housewife while he is away doing God knows what? And why the fuck is Justin letting him do that without resisting? What the fuck is wrong with them? Jesus!” The more he talked, the more he raised his voice, so when he finished his speech, the diner had almost fallen silent as everyone overheard his diatribe.

  


Emmett swore that they could have heard a pin drop. Peering at the patrons surrounding them, his eyes landed on Debbie, who had just entered the diner and was looking around, obviously wondering what was going on. Placing her hands on her hips, she authoritatively demanded, “What’s going on here?”

  


Michael turned around to look at his mother and waved for her to join them, while demanding loudly, “Ma! Just drop it!”

  


Debbie walked over to their table and slapped her son on the head. “Michael Charles Novotny! I know that look. What have you done?”

  


“Nothing! Jesus, Ma, stop assuming the worst!” Michael scowled as he rubbed his head.

  


Debbie turned to look at Emmett, but the man just raised his hands in an innocent manner, before absolving himself of blame. “Don’t look at me. I’m just an innocent bystander.”

  


Debbie barked out a laugh at Emmett’s reply. “Sure. if you’re an innocent bystander, then I’m Cher wearing a g-string and holding a whip.”

  


“Jesus, please, have some mercy! I won’t be able to sleep for a week with the picture you just forced into my head, Debbie.” Brian’s voice resonated throughout the diner, startling them. He must have entered the eatery without any of them noticing.

  


Michael gazed up at his friend, their eyes locking for a few seconds, and he didn’t like what he saw. There was something like a haze over Brian’s gaze that reminded him of his teenaged friend on his darkest days. Michael swallowed as he moved over in the booth to let Brian sit next to him. “Where have you been?” he inquired, his voice a mix of anger, annoyance, and concern.

  


“New York,” Brian answered curtly, obviously determined not to share anything else.

  


“Have you called Justin yet?” Michael couldn’t help but ask, unable to hide the accusation in his voice.

  


Brian turned his head to glare at him, but his gaze was unfocused and Michael asked himself what was going on inside Brian’s head. He wasn’t surprised when the brunet didn’t answer his question.

  


“Well, you need to take care of yourself, kiddo. And go home to your boyfriend,” Debbie intervened, addressing Brian, who just snorted, grabbed an empty sugar packet, and began to shred it.

  


When Brian realized that Debbie was still waiting for an answer, he peered up at her and stated, “Justin’s fine.”

  


Michael shook his head and grunted, but Brian didn’t acknowledge him.

  


Debbie stared at Brian sadly before letting out a deep sigh. She needed to handle her shift, though, and now was not the time or the place to have a heart-to-heart with her surrogate son. Nonetheless, she had something to announce before going to the kitchen. “Jesse and Aaron are moving to Baltimore. They will leave town next week.” Her eyes were fixed on Brian when she delivered the news. Expecting a reaction from him, she wasn’t surprised when she saw him wince furtively as his hands stilled. But, before she could call him on it, he resumed his previous activity, the sugar packet now in a hundred tiny little pieces on the table.

  


Not knowing what to do next, she glanced at Michael and Emmett, who both returned her helpless look. Sighing, she finally declared, “We’re throwing them a farewell party next Friday night. I expect you to be here.” Gazing at Brian again, she added with a pointed stare, “ _All_ of you.”

  


Brian refused to look up at her this time, even though Deb was sure he could feel her pointed stare piercing him.

  


“For Chrissake, Brian! Are you going to let him walk out of your life without even trying to make things right?” she couldn’t help but question loudly. Seeing her boys so miserable was really hard on Debbie, and she had to try and push Brian to do something before it was too late.

  


However, she hadn’t expected Brian to react like he did. As soon as she was finished speaking, Brian glared up at her and snarled, “Back off, Debbie!” He then stood up and scowled at Emmett and Michael, too, before repeating angrily, “Just back off!” At last, his eyes once again landed on his childhood friend’s mother, and he threw Debbie’s words back at her, concluding with a deadly glare, “ _All_ of you.” Brian turned and stormed out of the diner, promptly disappearing from sight.

  


Debbie was too dumbfounded to react. Michael and Emmett just sat there, wondering what had just happened, not even realizing that a deafening silence now surrounded them once more.

  


* * *

  


**_The next day…_ **

  


The days were colder than usual, and the rain hadn’t stopped pouring all day. Justin was out on the sidewalk, walking home, and wondering once again if Brian would still be there or not.

  


In the last few weeks, he had barely seen his lover. Brian was always gone, indulging himself endlessly in sex, booze, and drugs, something Justin didn’t know how to stop. He barely recognized the man who had shared his life for the last two years, except for those nearly imperceptible moments when Brian thought Justin wasn’t looking and would let his guard down.

  


The day before, Justin had been about to enter the bathroom - the water was running, indicating that Brian was home after having disappeared for more than a week - but he had stopped in the doorway. Brian had been standing still under the shower spray, his eyes closed. He had been crying. The sight had been too much for Justin, who had felt like his heart was breaking. Even more unbearable was the fact that he couldn’t do a fucking thing about it. Every time he tried, Brian would just push him away.

  


He hadn’t moved from the doorway. He couldn’t. Not so long ago, he wouldn’t have hesitated and would have jumped into the shower, wrapping his arms around his lover. He would have held him for as long as Brian needed it. He would have done anything and everything to take his pain away. But now he couldn’t even hold Brian to comfort him...and it was killing him.

  


He would learn later that day that Jesse was leaving Pittsburgh. Justin’s friend couldn’t bear to stay any longer, especially considering that the rehabilitation wasn’t going as well as the doctors had hoped. Jesse hadn’t recovered any sensation in his legs and, unfortunately, the more time that elapsed, the less Jesse hoped and tried, believing that his chances of ever walking again were diminishing rapidly. Consequently, Aaron had proposed that they move to Baltimore, where one of the best rehabilitation centers was located, hoping that the change of scenery would help the man he loved rediscover his will to fight and that he’d start living again.

  


Of course, Brian had taken the news poorly. Justin was convinced that the brunet had hoped that Jesse would eventually change his mind and let Brian back into his life, maybe even allow him somehow to help. But it wasn’t meant to be. Instead, Brian had to let Jesse go for good.

  


Justin just hoped that Brian would eventually let go of his guilt, too. If not, Justin didn’t know if he’d have the strength to keep fighting for the man he loved, even if he still wasn’t yet ready to give up.

 

* * *

  


**_Friday night…_ **

  


Jesse was staring at the sky, wondering whether the clouds or the city lights were making it impossible for him to view the timeless beauty of the stars. He had rolled outside to the semi-deserted street in his wheelchair with Aaron’s help, needing to isolate himself from all the people surrounding him inside the restaurant. Now alone, he felt like he could breathe.

  


Inside, Debbie, Vic, Aaron, Michael, Emmett, Ted, Justin, Lindsay and her new girlfriend Melanie were all sitting around a table, trying for Jesse’s sake to recreate moments from their past, when laughter and smiles had filled the air, everyone feeling optimistic, carefree, and ready to take on the world. Only, the past was gone and Jesse couldn’t pretend anymore.

  


Saying goodbye was harder than he’d anticipated. It was true he had seen his friends only rarely in the past few months. It was just too difficult to face them, to deal with a reality which wasn’t his anymore, a time when he had been that carefree young man who was going to conquer the world. Today, although he didn’t have a clue about his own future, he knew exactly what he had lost and doubted he’d ever win it back.

  


Brian wasn’t there. Jesse wasn’t surprised, and was, in fact, relieved he hadn’t come. He still wasn’t ready to see him again, even if, deep down, he knew it was unfair of him to blame Brian for his condition. But, he simply couldn’t deal with the emotions that just thinking about his former best friend evoked within him. It was too hard, too soon. He’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t worried about him, though. But Jesse didn’t want to deal with Brian’s demons anymore, not when he was fighting his own on a daily basis.

  


He would be gone in three days. After that, he didn’t know what would happen to him. The only thing that made sense in his life right now was Aaron. The man gave him the strength to keep going, even if Jesse felt like he was standing near a precipice all the time, peering down into its endless depths. Maybe one day this feeling would fade, and another emotion would take its place. As miniscule as his hope currently was, it did exist, however, thanks to his partner.

  


Strangely, being there, alone in the cold - but refreshing - night air, Jesse felt a strange, peaceful feeling unfurling. He even smiled slightly as he took a deep breath, reminded himself that he was still alive.

  


* * *

  


Justin opened the door and stepped outside, welcoming the fresh breeze caressing his face. His eyes followed a car driving by slowly before his gaze fell upon his friend’s form, seated in his wheelchair a few feet away. His heart missed a beat at the sight, making him realize the finality of this moment. In a few days, Jesse would be out of their lives, including Brian’s.

  


Justin walked closer to his friend and put his hand on Jesse’s shoulder. Positioning himself by his side, he asked softly, “You okay?”

  


Jesse responded with a nod. “I just needed some air. It’s fucking hot in there.”

  


“Don’t forget fucking weird, also,” Justin couldn’t help but volunteer with a smirk. He, too, had a hard time dealing with his friends’ futile attempts to act as if nothing had changed in the last five months.

  


Jesse chuckled at Justin’s reply, surprising the blond, who hadn’t heard his friend laugh in a long time. “They’re trying…” Jesse shrugged.

  


“Hmm…” Justin responded, deciding to move the conversation toward more neutral topics. “So, you’re all set, then? Ready to move on?” As soon as the words escaped his lips, however, he felt a squeezing around his heart. This was it, the end of an era. But even more, it was his last chance to see Brian and Jesse reunited, their friendship seemingly over.

  


Justin had tried to convince Brian to come tonight. He still remembered the look on his lover’s face earlier today, when Justin had dropped by unexpectedly at his office. Cynthia, his new assistant, had almost forbidden him to enter, but Justin pressed her relentlessly until Brian finally agreed to see him.

 

* * *

  


_“Cynthia, you’ve never met my ball and chain…” Brian greeted Justin when he walked out of his office and noticed his boyfriend trying to force his way past the reception desk._

  


_“I’m the ball and chain,” Justin quipped ironically, addressing Cynthia. “And, as I’m the best ball and chain in town; he can’t get rid of me. It’s not because he hasn’t tried, I can assure you.” As Justin finished his retort, gazing sardonically up at Brian, a fake smile played across his lips._

  


_“In my office,” Brian ordered, his face now an indecipherable mask. Justin followed him in silence. “What are you doing here?” Brian inquired tiredly, as he closed the door behind Justin._

  


_“Making sure you don’t make a mistake you might regret for the rest of your life?” Justin suggested sarcastically._

  


_“You know how I feel about regrets,” Brian immediately replied._

  


_“Yes, I do. And that’s why I want you to come tonight...” Justin reiterated for the umpteenth time,  “...for your best friend’s farewell party.”_

  


_“Jesse is not my friend anymore,” Brian stated, the edge in his voice unmistakable. “Or should I say, I’m not HIS friend anymore. He made it pretty clear he didn’t want anything to do with me. And for once, I will respect his wishes.” Brian paused, unable to hide the sorrow in his voice, despite the fake smile he wore. “I owe him that.”_

  


_Justin couldn’t help but scoff at Brian’s reasoning. “Don’t you see that it’s just the reaction of a desperate, depressed, and angry man, Brian? Do you really think you’re responsible for what happened to Jesse?”_

  


_“What I think or don’t think is irrelevant. Don’t you get that?” Brian barked._

  


_“No, I don’t! You’re really willing to let him walk out of your life, when you’ve always been there for each other ever since you met? How can you not fight for what you had? Does his friendship mean so little to you that you can just sit there in your fancy office and do nothing?” Justin asked incredulously, his stupefaction regarding Brian’s stubborn resolve to not attempt a reconciliation with Jesse overshadowing everything else._

  


_“Do nothing? Oh, believe me, I will do plenty tonight. Just not what you think I should do. I’d rather fuck my way through the willing tricks at Babylon, who, I’m sure, will be delighted to relieve my distress. So why don’t you stop acting as if you’re my moral compass, and leave me the fuck alone!” Brian spat angrily._

  


_Justin stepped back at his lover’s hurtful words. He couldn’t believe that Brian would be so cruel as to take out his frustrations on him for attempting to reconcile him and Jesse. He wanted to fight back, but then he suddenly noticed the haunted look on his lover’s face. Regardless of how much Brian acted like a prick and pushed away everyone who loved him, his eyes reflected how he really felt and what he really wanted, betraying his true emotions._

  


_Justin’s heart was breaking. He longed to have his lover back, the man who had allowed him to see past his mask and touch his heart. At the same time, the pain caused by Brian’s vicious remarks was cutting deeply into Justin, and he felt like he was suffocating._

  


_He needed to leave. Peering up at Brian one last time, he whispered, “I hope you will find what you´re looking for. I hope…” He didn’t finish his thought, unable to describe what he was feeling. Justin would always want the very best for Brian, however, regardless of whether they were in a good place in their relationship or not._

  


_“Justin,” Brian called out to him, a remorseful look gracing his features as he took a step closer to his lover._

  


_“No.” Justin raised his hand to stop Brian from coming any closer. “I will see you later,” he told him in dismissal, walking out the door without looking back, his eyes tearing up against his will._

 

* * *

  


“I will miss you.” Jesse’s voice brought Justin back to the present, and he turned to look at his friend. Jesse was seemingly watching a couple walking down the street and fooling around, but Justin noticed that his focus didn’t change, not even after the couple disappeared from sight.

  


“I will miss you, too.” Justin answered, taking a step closer to Jesse, as his friend finally gazed up at him.

  


“Come here,” Jesse requested quietly, extending his arms, obviously waiting for Justin to give him a hug.

  


Justin immediately complied and took Jesse into his arms, bending over him and embracing him.

  


“This is just goodbye, okay?” Jesse whispered in his ear as he tightened his hold, and Justin responded by hugging him harder too, the squeezing in his chest now threatening to overwhelm him.

  


“This is just goodbye,” Justin confirmed, his voice now slightly trembling as he leaned back to stare at his friend. “This is just goodbye for now,” he clarified, forcing a smile to appear on his lips as Jesse took Justin’s hand in his.

  


They stayed still, refusing to let go for a long, long moment.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/kudos/any form of acknowledgement is deeply, sincerely, dearly (redundant, much?) appreciated :) Thank you!


	29. Loving life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to Karynn (Eureka1) and Kim (Predec2)

 

 

**_Monday, The Diner, 12:30 p.m…_ **

  


Brian pushed the door open and entered the animated space, the sudden rush of noise assaulting his ears. Looking around, his eyes landed on his best friend sitting in a booth at the back of the diner. Michael was obviously scowling at his mother, the familiar sight bringing a grin to Brian’s face.

  


Walking over, Brian positioned himself next to Debbie, who hadn’t noticed him yet.

  


“I’m just saying that you should see an ophthalmologist! You’re not getting any younger!” Debbie insisted, obviously trying to convince her son to take better care of himself.

  


“My sight is fine, Ma! And I’m just thirty-five! I’m too young to have eye problems!” Michael scoffed, crossing his arms in front of him and sporting Brian’s favorite pout on his face.

  


“I agree, Debbie,” Brian intervened, leaning over to speak in her ear and startling her.

  


“For God’s sake, Brian! You want to give me a heart attack?” Debbie exclaimed, placing her hand over her heart in a dramatic manner, although she couldn’t help but smile nonetheless.

  


“I care about you too much for that,” Brian playfully answered, placing his hand momentarily on her shoulder. “Who would torture my best friend if you weren’t there?”

  


“Hey!” Michael protested.

  


Brian plopped onto the seat across from him. “Can we get some service, Deb? You can leave it to me to keep torturing your son.” He pressed his lips together to prevent the smile on his face from growing even wider.

  


Debbie raised her eyebrows. Brian seemed to be in a good mood. “I know I can, honey. You’ve been torturing him for the past twenty years,” she eventually replied, caressing his cheek in a motherly manner.

  


“And he always comes back asking for more,” Brian quipped with a smirk. “You raised him sooo well.”

  


Michael just rolled his eyes in response.

  


Debbie took their orders and went to serve the other customers.

  


“So?” Brian was the first to speak. “What’s up in _Mikey’s Clubhouse_?”

  


“I should be the one asking _you_ that,” Michael countered. “It seems you lived quite the adventure this past weekend.”

  


Brian gazed up at his friend with a shrug. “Oh, you know… scavenger hunts are so overrated. Father hunts, on the other hand, are so much fun!” he stated cheerfully, while playing with his napkin, folding it with one hand.

  


Michael snorted. “I’m glad Jack is fine, though. You must have been so worried about him. Lindsay told me he went to the forest again?”

  


“Yeah…” Brian nodded slowly, before disclosing, “Justin found him.”

  


Michael didn’t respond immediately, confirming Brian’s suspicions that Lindsay had informed him about his presence by his side the day before. “I’m glad.”

  


“You are?” Brian questioned, raising his eyebrow.

  


Michael nodded. “You seem… happy.”

  


Brian rolled his lips into his mouth, playfully contemplating Michael’s words as he stared down, seemingly looking at his playing fingers. “Ahh. And how the fuck did you figure out that one?” he asked, eventually gazing up at his friend.

  


Michael’s eyes were twinkling. “You have this… glow or something.”

  


“And you have a death wish I’m not aware of? Since when do I allow anyone to tell me I’m glowing? You think I’m Tinkerbell now?”

  


Michael chuckled, opting to ask instead, “How is Justin?”

  


_Fucker…_ Brian could see how much Michael was enjoying their conversation. The weird part was that Brian didn’t mind his friend’s enthusiasm. He felt pretty good too, truthfully. “Last time I saw him, he was fine.”

  


“And when was that?” Michael asked as he leaned his elbows on the table.

  


“Huh?” Brian feigned not to understand the question, but Michael just gave him a look, informing him he wasn’t fooled. Brian sighed and lifted an eyebrow before responding almost shyly. “This morning.”

  


“You mean, as in _this_ _morning_?” Michael pried, the expression on his face not leaving any doubt about what he was trying to convey. He was assuming that Justin had spent the night at the loft. He was right.

  


Brian looked at him as if he was a nutcase, rolling his eyes, tongue in cheek. “Are you for real?”

  


“I knew it! You made passionate love all night!” Michael dreamily declared.  Brian briefly thought that his best friend was spending way too much time with Emmy Lou, considering he was now channeling his voice.

  


“Mikey…” The brunet tried to stop his friend from going all romantic on him, just as the busboy came to deliver their orders. Brian peered up at him and, sure enough, the young man blushed, which was quite adorable, even if completely useless. Brian would never fuck him again after all.

  


“I knew you couldn’t resist falling back into each other’s arms again. I should have bet higher. Damn!” Michael stated loudly.

  


Brian’s former trick gave him a look of disappointment before leaving to serve other customers. At least, maybe he would get over his crush now, Brian hoped.

  


“You made a bet about us?” Brian questioned, finally realizing what his best friend meant.

  


“Sure! Emmett and Ted thought you two weren’t ready yet, but I knew better,” Michael disclosed with a smug smile, obviously proud of himself. Eventually, though, his gaze softened as he peered over at Brian and declared, “I’m happy for you; for _both_ of you. I really am.”

  


“Thanks,” Brian answered, before frowning. “I think…”

  


“So… how was it?” Michael inquired with a huge grin, as he bit off a huge mouthful of his cheeseburger, chewing with his mouth open.

  


“How was what?” Brian repeated with a dubious stare, not particularly wanting to divulge details.

  


“Come on!” Michael swallowed and took another bite, before wiping his mouth clean. “After all those years without feeling his skin against yours and missing him like crazy, I assume your reunion had to be pretty spectacular!” Michael surmised impishly.

  


“Mikey, Mikey, Mikey,” Brian chided, shaking his head and pursing his lips. “You really believe I’m going to describe my sex life to you?”

  


“Why not?” Michael pretended to be offended by Brian’s refusal. “You have no problem whatsoever fucking in the backroom of Babylon or showing your dick to every queer guy in this burg,” he countered.

  


“True,” Brian agreed, before plunging his fork into his chicken parmesan. But instead of taking a bite, he drawled, an amused gleam in his eyes, “And when was the last time the professor rammed his engorged cock into your willing ass? With you screaming at the top of your lungs to please make you come so hard you wouldn’t be able to get it up again because your balls would be as dry as a bone?”

  


Michael almost choked on his burger and coughed a few times. When he finally succeeded in getting his breathing under control, he exclaimed, “Brian! Gross!”

  


Brian chuckled. “What? You don’t want to talk about your fulfilling sex life with me? I’m so hurt, Mikey!”

  


Michael shook his head disapprovingly, but his lips turned upward nonetheless.

  


Brian smiled, too, his face indeed glowing as his mind traveled back to the night before.

 

* * *

 

**_Sunday Night, Brian’s Loft, Sixteen Hours Earlier…_ **

  


Justin stared at Brian, his eyes, then his lips. He blinked, a soft, almost bashful smile appearing on his face.

  


Brian could feel the beat of his heart almost resonating in his ears, the rush in his veins unmistakable as Justin’s eyes bored into his so intensely that it was like his former boyfriend was seeing right through him, invading his very core. That’s probably why Brian couldn’t help it. He leaned in closer, but stopped just before his lips touched Justin’s, even though he couldn’t do anything to control his breathing. His heart was hammering in his chest furiously, his body reacting to Justin’s presence so close to him. Brian could feel Justin’s heat, his scent, and it was driving him crazy.

  


Justin couldn’t believe how much time had passed since he had felt Brian’s body against his. But now, he couldn’t wait one more second, so he closed that last bit of distance and covered Brian’s lips with his own. Inevitably, they both sighed at the touch, Brian instinctively drawing Justin closer, enfolding him into his arms. For all their urgency, the kiss was surprisingly soft.

  


Brian’s hands found Justin’s hair, his cheeks, his neck, his fingers dancing across pale skin, enjoying every second. His tongue slowly brushed against Justin’s lips, not seeking entrance yet, just savoring the moment.

  


Justin let a sigh escape. He felt hot, his whole body already burning with desire for the man he was kissing. When he felt Brian’s tongue seeking entrance to his mouth before withdrawing softly, his heart skipped a beat. Unlike their earlier kisses that day, this one was healing both of them, erasing past mistakes and hinting at a future together.

  


Brian could have lost himself in that kiss. He had waited so many years for this instant, and, even if he had denied it until now, claiming to everybody who was willing to listen that he was doing just fine with his life, he now accepted that Justin was it for him. He always had been, from the first moment Brian had laid his eyes on a scared-out-of-his-mind teenager standing on his doorstep and looking completely lost. Of course, it hadn’t been love at first sight, but there had always been some kind of force which had drawn them toward each other, even at the beginning when Brian tried to keep Justin at arm's length and messed with him at every opportunity.

  


It had been twelve years since that day. Twelve years since Justin had entered Brian’s life, only to never leave his mind. They might have spent eight years without seeing each other, without speaking, laughing, fighting or having sex, and yet, to Brian, Justin had always been here. Somehow.

  


Only, now, he could feel Justin’s skin. He could touch him, kiss him, hold him in his arms. And he wondered how he could have survived without this connection that was unlike anything else he’d ever felt in his life.

  


And, he needed more.

  


Therefore, Brian’s kiss became more urgent and demanding, his tongue now probing against Justin’s lips more intently, and, finally, his former lover welcomed him into his mouth. It was warm, wet, even desperate, but it was so fucking good. Brian felt the pleasure building, his cock trapped within his too-tight jeans, begging to be released, yet threatening to erupt at any moment. He felt like a fucking teenager, almost unable to exert any control.

  


As for Justin, he was flying. Ever since their first kiss on the roof, Brian had always made him feel like he was standing on the verge of a precipice and ready to fall, even welcoming it. Nothing compared to that feeling.

  


Their tongues battled for dominance as their hands began roaming over each other’s arms, chests, and thighs. Justin was sitting on Brian’s lap now, still devouring his mouth, as he started to lift Brian’s shirt from his pants.

  


As he felt Brian’s smooth skin under his fingers, though, Justin paused, leaning back to stare at his lover. Brian opened his eyes, which had drifted shut during all the caressing and kissing, and gazed up at Justin. The blond’s breath caught in his throat as he stared at his companion. The brunet was looking at him so intently, the want, the lust, the yearning, the desire; all of the feelings Justin could feel overwhelming him also reflected in Brian’s eyes.

  


And then, Brian smiled as he pushed a lock of hair back from Justin’s face. The blond felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. Brian’s smile had always affected him, but today he had to close his eyes to prevent the love he felt for this man from overpowering him and making him act like a fool. He could hear a voice in his head, however, telling him he had never stood a chance. He had always loved Brian. Time couldn’t alter that truth; it never would.

  


Justin took Brian’s cheeks between his hands, almost reverently, and placed his forehead against his lover’s. His chest rose and fell, his breathing the only sound filling his ears.

  


Brian began to caress his arms. At last, his hand came to rest in the crook of Justin’s neck. “You have no idea…” he breathed out, not finishing his thought.

  


“What?” Justin asked almost bashfully, as he leaned back to look into Brian’s eyes.

  


“I…” Brian began, but as much as he wanted to be open about his feelings, it was still so fucking hard to say the words. He swallowed and took a deep breath, gazing away furtively before staring back at Justin. Eventually, he disclosed, his voice slightly breaking, “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed this...so fucking much.”

  


“Brian…” Justin felt a rush of emotions coursing through him. Without thinking, he claimed Brian’s lips forcibly, all the passion he was feeling pouring into the kiss. Brian whimpered under Justin’s touch, and the blond finally removed Brian’s shirt hastily, wanting, needing to feel Brian’s warm skin under his fingers. As soon as he got rid of the shirt, he started caressing Brian’s chest, his hands not leaving an inch of skin untouched. Brian moaned as he did the same to Justin, tossing the blond’s shirt away as quickly as he could.

  


They finally broke apart, breathless. But as their eyes bored into each other again, Brian lowered his hand and gripped Justin’s hard-on, rubbing it through his pants. He smirked briefly as Justin moaned loudly, throwing back his head, his neck exposed for Brian’s mouth who, of course, couldn’t resist. He attacked him fervently, while keeping a firm touch on his groin, his fingers traveling up and down Justin’s impressive erection.

  


“Bed…” Justin breathed out huskily, knowing he wouldn’t last if Brian kept torturing him like he was doing. “Ahhh…” he groaned, the sudden rush of pleasure making his cock throb as Brian gave it a firm squeeze.

  


Brian ceased fondling Justin’s dick, but he grabbed the back of his lover’s neck and stole another mind-blowing kiss from his swollen lips. He couldn’t get enough of Justin’s taste, to the point where covering the few feet to the bedroom seemed impossible. He wanted Justin too fucking much to stop what he was doing.

  


Justin responded with equal fervency. He resumed his position on Brian’s lap, and their kiss escalated again. It was as if they had craved this for so long that it was hopeless to resist. The pleasure within their bodies was increasing with each touch, each movement of their lips. They couldn’t get enough.

  


Brian knew he was going to come any moment now if he didn’t stop, or at least ease off for a bit. He could feel his balls tingling, his cock throbbing miserably in his pants, the bliss consuming his body. Reluctantly, he leaned back, and whispered, “Coming twice in my pants in a week because of you is not in my plans.”

  


Justin smiled. “Not in mine, either,” he revealed, before murmuring in his ear, “I would much prefer for you to come inside of me.”

  


A new rush of pleasure ran through Brian’s body at his lover’s words. “Christ, Sunshine! Stop turning me on so much, or I won’t be able to fulfill your wish.”

  


Instead of teasing Brian back, Justin’s eyes turned dark as he stood up suddenly. “Bedroom. Now,” he ordered, not wanting to wait anymore before feeling Brian pushing into him where he belonged.

  


They stumbled towards their destination, fumbling with their pants as they hastily tore them off each other, and, at last, Brian pushed Justin onto the bed so that he was sprawled out on his back. The blond rose up on his elbows, his gaze transfixed by Brian’s naked body. He had almost forgotten how beautiful Brian really was.

  


Brian was staring at Justin, too, equally riveted by the body of the man before him. His pale skin had always fascinated the brunet. The sight of him lying in his bed after so long brought a lump to his throat. It was ridiculous, really, but Brian couldn’t help it. Of course, Justin was perfectly aware of the effect he was having on his companion. The young man licked his lips, and Brian felt his cock hardening more, if possible. Justin noticed, obviously, because he was now staring at Brian’s groin.

  


“Come here…” Justin finally demanded as he extended his hand. Brian swallowed, and placed one knee on the bed, raising his hand to take Justin’s. The blond pulled him down, and Brian’s body fell onto the bed, covering his lover.

  


They both felt the same spark as their naked cocks brushed against each other. Their breathing accelerated once more, and Justin raised his hand slowly to graze Brian’s cheek once before leaning forward to kiss him, while his body began to undulate sensually against the brunet’s.

  


As much as Brian wanted to lose himself in the moment, he also couldn’t wait anymore. He had to be inside Justin now, as if to claim his place back into his former lover’s life, and to resuscitate the lost bond that he was sure he would never feel with anyone else. Thus, he quickly grabbed a nearby condom and some lube from the nightstand, and released Justin’s lips long enough to apply the lubricant to his fingers.

  


“Brian, hurry…” Justin pleaded when he understood what Brian intended to do. “Yes. Yes!” He moaned, as Brian pushed a digit inside of him.

  


“Justin...” Brian breathed out huskily in the blond’s ear as he moved with a new purpose. Each one of Justin’s moans as he pushed and then retreated his finger from his ass repeatedly was like some heavenly music to his ears. Brian added another finger, wanting to drive Justin crazy for his cock, and he felt a new sheen of sweat running on his forehead, caused by the incredible pleasure he was experiencing. “I’ve waited eight years for this. I can’t wait any longer. I need to be inside of you... _now_.” He felt Justin opening for him even more as he pronounced those words.

  


“Brian…”

  


“Feel me.” Brian demanded as he moved his fingers in and out, Justin starting to push back wantonly, without even realizing it.

  


“Please…” the single word fell from Justin’s lips like a prayer, the blond being consumed by the blissful sensations he was feeling.

  


Brian removed his fingers and started licking and nibbling at Justin’s neck, as he used his hands to expertly roll a condom onto his cock before stroking it a couple of times with lube. Then, supporting himself on one forearm by his lover’s side, he positioned his shaft at Justin’s entrance before finally placing the palm of his hand on his lover’s face. “Look at me,” he asked Justin, wanting both of them to relish the moment they were sharing.

  


Justin gazed sideways at Brian, his eyes boring into his companion’s. He entangled his ankles behind Brian’s back, effectively trapping the brunet’s twitching dick at his opening.

  


Brian didn’t move. He wanted to forge this memory into his mind, to remember the expression on Justin’s face, the feel of his body, the perfection of their union.

  


With Brian’s hand still resting on Justin’s face, the blond raised his own hand and interlaced their fingers together tightly. He smiled, breathing out, “Do it,” before closing his eyes with a look of pure delight on his face as Brian placed their joined hands on the pillow next to Justin and pushed the head of his cock inside his lover.

  


Brian gasped. The perfect heat surrounding his dick was indescribable. He lowered his head into Justin’s neck as he stilled, afraid that the penetration would prove to be too much to bear, and that he would ejaculate too soon. Truthfully, being buried inside someone hadn’t felt so good in…too fucking long. They both were finally where they were supposed to be; where they belonged.

  


Brian withdrew slowly, before thrusting again, eliciting a groan from his lover. Justin couldn’t take it, and pushed back, earning a guttural grunt from Brian, who began moving in and out with newfound purpose. Sliding out and back in, again and again, Brian was in heaven. Rushes of pleasure were assaulting every part of his body. Opening his eyes, he paused and leaned back, sliding his fingers along Justin’s calf before grabbing Justin’s ankle, placing it on his shoulder. He opened his mouth in delight as he pushed back home, changing his angle to graze Justin's prostate with each movement of his cock. Justin grabbed his asscheeks, forcing Brian even deeper inside of him, the grunts, the moans and groans now filling the air and confirming their need for one another.

  


Justin couldn’t take it anymore, and he raised his hand to explore Brian’s torso, the pleasure at touching him reflected in his eyes. He pinched one nipple, then the other, driving Brian crazy. Every time he touched a part of Brian’s body that he already knew intimately, arousing his partner even more, Brian would increase the force of his thrusts, purposely exciting Justin more. It was like a symphony, the final part now playing at full blast, Justin using his hands and tightening his hole around Brian’s cock, Brian sinking his shaft faster and deeper inside Justin’s ass.

  


They couldn’t last. Justin was melting under the assault of Brian’s thrusts. Feeling the brunet moving inside of him was overwhelming. The pleasure he was experiencing was so intense, that no matter how many times he’d had sex in his life, nothing compared to this. Justin had never felt that way before, as if he knew he would never be happier than at that instant.

  


Brian felt the fire slowly rising, before it finally overtook his body as his orgasm built, his dick throbbing in response. Justin must have sensed it, too, because he suddenly groaned louder and lowered his hand to his balls, barely touching them and letting his fingers dance up and down along his cock a couple of times before warning, “I’m coming...I’m coming!” and exploding between them as Brian finally let go and fucked him with short thrusts, barely withdrawing, hoping to amplify his lover’s orgasm.

  


Brian opened his eyes, watching Justin fall over the edge, feeling his come surging across their skin, and he lost it. He leaned in, capturing Justin’s lips, swallowing his delightful sounds of pleasure as he, too, succumbed and came deep inside Justin, his muffled cries echoing his companion’s. His orgasm was too strong, though, and he couldn’t help himself as he finally had to lean back and let a high, loud moan escape his lips. He paused, still deeply buried inside the perfect heat of Justin’s ass, savouring this instant of pure rapture.

  


Brian collapsed onto Justin, the blond engulfing him in his arms. Their breathing was ragged, their skin wet and sticky, but they didn’t care. The world could have ended right then, and they wouldn’t have moved.

  


After a few minutes, Brian moved his head, burying his nose more deeply into Justin’s neck, inhaling his scent, still amazed that it was real, that Justin was really there, lying in his bed and holding Brian in his arms. Justin chuckled, releasing Brian to rub his own forehead, and declare playfully, “Your cock is still like some God’s.  In fact, I think this is my new number one fuck.”

  


Brian smirked. “Have you ever doubted me? I’m here to please. And when it comes to you...” He straightened up to look down at Justin, pursing his lips firmly before admitting honestly, “It’s _always_ a number one fuck.” He blinked softly as he started to play with Justin’s hair.

  


Justin felt it again, that feeling consuming his heart as he stared up at Brian. His companion sported a peaceful expression on his face, a soft smile playing on his lips. Justin realized that he had rarely seen this side of Brian, when he looked as if he were truly happy and fulfilled. And to know he was the cause of Brian’s happiness filled his heart with joy.

  


God, he was horny again, his dick hardening once more.

  


Brian suddenly frowned, as he looked down between their bodies, before giving Justin a playful stare. “I think you have a problem I need to take care of immediately.”

  


“You do?” Justin feigned as if not understanding.

  


“Uh, huh…” Brian responded with a nod. “It’s a huge, hard problem, you know? Luckily for you, I’m an expert at relieving that kind of pressure.”

  


“So you say…” Justin quipped. “Fuck!” he gasped as he felt Brian’s lips engulfing him. “Okay… I believe you,” he stated with a laugh which quickly turned into a moan.

  


This was a night neither of them would forget anytime soon.

 

* * *

 

**_Monday, The Institute, 5:30 p.m…_ **

  


Brian walked towards Jack’s room with an assured step. He felt lighter than he had in days, and didn’t even realize that the other patients and staff members crossing his path were quizzically staring at him when he greeted them in an almost friendly manner with a small smile gracing his face.

  


He paused in front of Jack’s door and knocked before turning the handle and quietly entering the room. Peering around, his eyes landed on his father’s silhouette, finding him half-lying, half-sitting on his bed. His glasses were sliding down his nose as he frowned at the book in his hands. He was obviously trying to decipher the words on the page, while pronouncing them hesitantly out loud.

  


Brian’s lips turned upward at the sight as he leaned sideways so that he could brace his shoulder against the wall by the door. Jack was so focused on his book that he hadn’t noticed him yet. The expression on his father’s face looked so much like Gus’s when Brian used to spend time teaching him how to read - except for the glasses - that it caused an unexpected, overwhelming feeling to well up inside his chest. He grinned, before finally taking the few steps separating him from his father.

  


Jack looked up, his eyes suddenly shining with happiness. “Brian!” he exclaimed as he abandoned his book on the bed and straightened himself to greet his son.

  


“Hey…” Brian greeted in return, not quite comfortable enough yet to call his father ‘Dad’ although he knew he wanted him to; he somehow understood it would only be a matter of time before he would do it again. Jack stood up and engulfed him in a tight hug, and for once Brian didn’t resist. He even welcomed it. “How are you?” he asked gently as Jack released him, both men taking a seat on the bed.

  


“I’m happy because you’re here!” Jack exclaimed, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to say. “What about you? How are you? How is Justin? How is Gus?”

  


“They’re okay,” Brian responded with a genuine smile, happy to see that his father seemed to be perfectly fine today. “In fact, we’re joining them tonight.”

  


Jack’s eyes lit up. “We are?”

  


Brian nodded. “Debbie invited us to her place. I thought you’d be happy to leave the Institute for a while.”

  


“Happy? Are you kidding? I’m _more_ than happy! I’m thrilled!” Jack babbled with glee, beaming and taking Brian’s hand in his own before squeezing it tightly. “Thank you! Thank you!”

  


Brian laughed, letting his father crush his fingers. “No need to thank me.”

  


Jack released his grip, now just covering his son’s hand softly with his own. He gave Brian a meaningful look, and something in his gaze changed. Whereas he had looked like a child a minute before, now he looked like a man, his expression so much more mature, and causing Brian to feel a sudden lump forming in his throat. “You didn’t have to do that. So, yes, I need to thank you.”

  


Brian frowned. “Do what? Accept an invitation on your behalf?”

  


“No.” Jack shook his head, before explaining, “You didn’t have to be here for me. To reconnect with me. I know you avoided seeing me for a long time.” In reaction to Brian’s questioning stare, Jack clarified, “Dr. Collier explained it to me. That you came to see me, but that you were unable to talk to me for many years. You were traumatized; you were alone. And I’m so sorry.”

  


“I…” Brian withdrew his hand and looked away, afraid to respond. He wasn’t sure what to say, or if he would be able to hide the emotions currently choking him.

  


“You don’t have to explain, you know?” Jack placed his hand gently on Brian’s shoulder before his son peered at him again. “I just…I’m so grateful that you gave me a chance. That you let me in. You didn’t have to.”

  


Brian blinked. When had his father grown up so much and gained such insight? How was it even possible? Even more so, did he even realize how much it meant to Brian? How much his words mattered?

  


“Dad,” the endearment escaped his lips without Brian even realizing it. When he gazed at his father again, Jack was smiling softly.

  


“Yes?”

  


“I…” Brian tried, but, of course, he was too overwhelmed to think of a single thing to say. Waiting a few seconds to compose himself, he explained, “We’re going to be late if we don’t leave now.”

  


Jack actually laughed. Then he replied, his innocent side taking over again, “I’m ready to go. Just help me with my shoes. I want to put on the ones with laces, but I can’t tie them. My fingers are too big!”

  


“You do realize that Gus will have to teach you how to tie your shoes soon, right?” Brian quipped as he went to retrieve Jack’s leather shoes from his closet. Kneeling down in front of his father, he helped him put them on and started to tie the laces.

  


“Can he teach me how to play soccer, too?” Jack asked eagerly, peering down at his son’s magical hands. “I know both of you play soccer a lot. I want to try.”

  


“Sure,” Brian agreed. “You can ask him tonight.”

  


“Great!” Jack clapped his hands excitedly, before questioning, “Will Justin be there?”

  


Brian’s hands surreptitiously stilled before he resumed his task. “He will. Everybody will be there, I assume.”

  


“Where is he now?” Jack inquired.

  


“At work. We’ll pick him up on our way.” Brian finished tying the laces, placed his hands on his thighs before rising to his feet. “Come on. And don’t forget to take a scarf. It’s fucking cold today.”

  


Jack obeyed, retrieving a pale blue one from his closet and winding it several times around his neck before picking up his warm coat. He didn’t want to get cold.

  


He couldn’t wait to be at Debbie’s. He also couldn’t stop his lips from curling upward as he followed Brian out of his room.

 

* * *

 

**_Thirty Minutes Later..._ **

  


Justin hopped up the three stairs to Debbie’s porch while Brian and Jack were still busy locking the Jeep. He rang the bell and waited for Debbie’s face to appear at the door.

  


It had been such a long time since he’d crossed this threshold, and he was currently experiencing a mixture of anxiousness and excitement. Yet, seeing the twinkle in Debbie’s eyes as she peered at him through the curtains he couldn’t help but beam, his nervousness quickly vanishing.

  


Turning around, he looked at Brian and Jack and smiled, before finally hearing the door open. A second later, Debbie greeted him as only she could do. “Sunshine!” she yelled, taking him into her arms. He let her, raising his arms to hug her, too, before stepping back.

  


She then focused on Jack and Brian, who had yet to ascend the three stairs separating them from her. Brian was the first to speak. “I saw you this morning. You don’t need to hug me.” He peered over at Jack, who obviously didn’t know how to greet her, before placing an arm around his father’s shoulders and adding cheerfully, “As for my dad here, though, if you hug him, he will hug you back, and you will probably both strangle yourselves to death, just to prove you’re the best, tightest hugger in town.” He gazed back at Debbie with a goofy smile, before releasing Jack and trotting up the steps, joining Justin.

  


“I _want_ a hug,” Jack stated anyway, doing an excellent imitation of a whining Mikey and making Justin bark out a laugh, while Brian scowled playfully by his side.

  


“So, you will have a hug!” Debbie declared, opening her arms wide for Jack to come closer. He joined her and took her in his arms, surprising her when he lifted her from the floor and hefted her into the air for a few seconds.

  


Brian leaned closer to them, addressing Debbie and barely preventing himself from laughing too hard. “Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you,” he drawled, before turning to look at Justin and stealing a soft kiss from his lips, as Jack released a flustered Debbie. Eventually, they all moved inside, where Michael, Ben, Emmett, Drew, Ted, Blake, and Carl were already gathered.

  


“Guys!” Michael was the first to stand up from the couch. “Jack! It’s good to see you!” He went to greet Brian’s father first, glancing briefly at Justin with a smirk, the blond rolling his eyes as he understood that Michael was aware he and Brian were a couple again and had probably informed all their friends already.

  


“Michael!” Jack approached the brunet and hugged him, too. Michael barely winced. He was used to that type of hug.

  


Jack repeated the same ritual with everyone, and they all let him, knowing it was easier not to protest. Even Drew played along and allowed Jack to take him into his arms, even if Jack had a hard time lifting him very high. “You’re so hard!” Jack marveled as he released the football player and touched his chest. Brian burst into laughter behind him when he heard his father’s comment and witnessed the look on Drew’s face.

  


Twenty minutes later, they were all sitting around the table in the dining room, waiting for Lindsay, Melanie, Gus, and JR to arrive. Brian was balancing himself on his chair with Justin by his side, his hand casually resting on the blond’s shoulder as he listened to the gossip. He was amused by the stares his friends, his father, and Debbie were giving him, so he decided to give them a show, without allowing himself to think about what he was doing. He grabbed Justin’s chin and covered his lips with his own.

  


The problem was, even if he had done it just to prove a point, he quickly forgot what point he was trying to make as he lost himself in Justin’s taste, soon probing deeper and entering his mouth with a sigh. It was only then that he heard his father making a weird noise - was he squealing with glee or just being murdered? - and realized what he was doing. Brian reluctantly leaned back, just in time to see Jack stand up and begin a surprising dance consisting of rolling his shoulders and tapping his feet as he half-walked, half-jumped in the direction of the dining room.

  


“Do you think he has lost it for good?” Emmett asked Ted, who was sitting by his side.

  


“I think he’s doing a pre-nuptial tribal dance or something. You know, this ritual is quite common in some tribes who practice their own customs and cultures,” Ted responded with a nod as he sipped his beer.

  


“Now he’s singing like a bird!” Debbie exclaimed, dumbfounded but amused. “Jack! You’re imitating their song magnificently!”

  


Jack finished his tune before responding to her with a question. “Have you ever noticed that birds are often depicted beside angels in paintings and other art?”

  


“No, I didn’t know that. But now that you say it, I _have_ seen birds painted side-by-side with angels,” Debbie confirmed enthusiastically, seemingly not surprised in any way by Jack’s question.

  


“The song I was performing is the love song of the nightingale! It’s for my savior - Brian, and for Justin - Brian’s savior!”

  


Brian cleared his throat loudly while Justin suddenly stood up to join Jack. The blond wanted to spare his partner from having to deal with a ridiculously overly-romantic gesture from his father, as well as what would no doubt be a monologue about angels, saviors, and all those heroes that fascinated him. Justin grabbed Jack’s arm softly to force him to stop moving as he stated gently, “I’m grateful for the song, Jack; it was beautiful.”

  


“Really? You liked it?” Jack asked genuinely, not sure his son appreciated his gift as much, but overwhelmed by Justin’s enthusiasm nonetheless.

  


“Of course I did! Now, why don’t you come back and sit with us?” Justin proposed, and Jack nodded. Everyone had understood by now that Jack was performing to celebrate the renewed relationship between Brian and Justin; therefore, they were all smiling knowingly. Emmett even sported a dreamy expression on his face. Brian, who was sitting across from his former roommate, had to tap him with his foot under the table, accentuating his gesture with an incredulous glare to make him stop acting like a romantic fool.

  


Emmett smirked at him. He fucking smirked.

  


Brian was about to advise him to shove his stupid grin up his ass when he heard his son’s voice from the doorstep.

  


“Daddy! We’re here!” the little boy exclaimed, as he walked in without knocking or waiting for Debbie to come and greet him. Brian heard Lindsay softly reproaching him from the porch, reminding him that it was rude to barge into someone’s home without being invited first, but Gus barely responded to her reprimand with a “Sorry, Mom!” before making a beeline for his father.

  


Brian had barely enough time to turn around before Gus was climbing onto his lap and pulling himself into his arms. Brian hugged him back before placing a soft kiss on his forehead and grabbing his cheeks to make his son look at him. “Don’t listen to your mother, Sonny Boy. She is a WASP.”

  


Gus frowned as he looked over at his mother. “She’s a bug? I got stung by a wasp once.”  

  


Everyone chuckled as Brian tried to explain that it wasn’t that kind of ‘wasp,’ finding no help from Lindsay as she gave him a ‘you got yourself into this mess, you can get yourself out of it’ look; she grinned back at him, taking off her coat and her gloves.

  


Melanie and JR followed her, and everyone greeted them cheerfully, while Gus waved at everyone before toddling over to sit next to Jack.

  


“Come here!” Jack exclaimed and Gus happily jumped into his welcoming embrace. Jack stood up with the little boy still in his arms and hefted him up before walking around in circles as Gus squealed in delight.

  


Brian stared at the scene unfolding before his eyes, and felt another tug at his heart. Jack’s relationship with Gus was so different from the one he had experienced with his father when he had been his son’s age. The love Gus and Jack shared was palpable, innocent, and impossible to fake, and Brian wondered if Jack had ever looked at him with the same kind of joy in his eyes that he was so obviously feeling right now with his son. Back then, Jack had rarely showed that he cared about him. He was barely home, preferring to spend his free time drinking, bowling, or enjoying the company of his poker friends - instead of staying at home with his family. Brian could remember one time when his father had helped him ride his first bike, patiently explaining to him where to place his feet on the pedals, and holding onto him so he wouldn’t fall. That kind of scene had been rare, however, and as Brian had grown up, they had dwindled away, the fights and occasional punches becoming more and more frequent until that last, eventful argument; the one that had stolen away a part of Brian’s life forever.

  


Lost in thought, Brian felt Justin’s fingers slipping into his palm, and he looked up at his lover, realizing he had zoned out for a minute. Justin’s gaze was soft and understanding, and Brian realized his companion knew exactly what he had been remembering. Justin squeezed his hand and placed his head on Brian’s shoulder; it was at that moment that Brian realized  that the past didn’t matter anymore. However Jack had acted in the past was buried and gone; today Brian was proud of the man his father was. And he was proud to be his son.

  


They all had dinner, animated talk and laughter filling the air as they ate. While everyone shared some coffee afterwards, Jack succeeded in convincing the girls to let Gus play soccer with him in the backyard of Debbie’s house for a little while. Brian and Justin agreed to be their cheering section, utilizing the stairs by the back door as makeshift bleachers. Night had already fallen, the small area being illuminated by a nearby streetlight and casting a special glow over the impromptu playing field.

  


“Jack is in love with your son,” Justin teased Brian as they stared at the two unlikely players who were goofing around and having fun, Jack laughing wholeheartedly as he chased Gus around the backyard, flailing his arms in the air as he warned his opponent that he was ‘going to get him.’  Gus merely squealed and shrieked in delight as he succeeded in evading his would-be captor, obviously having the time of his life.  It was hard, however, to tell which one was enjoying it more to Brian - his son or his father - and the scene brought an amused smile to his face.

  


“Well, if Gus pukes because he hasn’t been able to digest his dinner, I hope my Dad will still be as enamored with him when he has to clean him up,” Brian replied with a playful smirk, just as Justin’s phone started to ring.

  


Justin retrieved it from the inner pocket of his coat, looked at the caller ID, and froze. Brian sensed his hesitation and peered over at him. Justin breathed out, “It’s Jesse.”

  


Brian felt his heart clench for a moment, but he replied nonetheless, “Take the call,” before standing up to join his father and son.

  


Justin gazed up at Brian’s form before pressing the ‘accept-call’ button. “Hello?” he greeted his friend, his heart beating loudly in his chest.

  


The conversation didn’t last long. After a couple of minutes, Justin hung up, still astonished by what Jesse had just revealed. He stared at the phone in his hand for a long time before eventually getting up, his gaze still glued to the screen.

  


“Everything alright?” Brian inquired as he walked closer to Justin. The blond finally looked up, and Brian realized immediately that the phone call wasn’t just a social call. “What happened?” he probed, feeling the tightness in his chest returning as he waited for Justin to relay the news.

  


“Jesse…” Justin began as he gazed away momentarily. He finally found the courage to peer at Brian. “He’s back.”

  


Brian stilled.

  


‘“Jesse is back,” Justin repeated, waiting for his lover to say something, even if he didn’t have a clue about how Brian would respond.

  


Justin wasn’t surprised when Brian stayed silent, though.

  
  



	30. Drifting to the breaking point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: April / July 2006

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to my wonderful betas Kim (Predec2) and Karynn (Eureka1)  
> Warning: angst

 

 

**_April - May 2006…_ **

  
  


Life went on.

  
  


Brian and Justin’s relationship was falling apart or, more specifically, becoming one of those dreaded relationships where avoidance became easier with each passing day. 

  
  


Justin had given up, too exhausted to fight against Brian, to make him realize he was going too far. The blond didn’t even know how Brian managed to work, considering he was out every night and didn’t came home before midnight most days, if he came home at all.

  
  


It was such a waste. Justin wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, blaming the rulers of this universe. He couldn’t understand how things had turned out the way they had, and, most of all, he was devastated to realize that Spencer had won. Sure, Brian was still alive - breathing, walking, apparently living - but Spencer had succeeded in destroying his spirit that resided within him without actually killing him. He had broken Brian’s confidence and faith in himself, leaving only a pale shadow on its way to crumbling under the weight of being alive.

  
  


Justin was exhausted. He couldn’t deal anymore. Witnessing Brian’s new lifestyle was hurting him deeply, but being kept at arm's length was even worse. The only time he still felt a real connection with his partner was when they had sex. Brian’s body had never been able to lie, and each touch and caress was as desperate as it was painful. The myriad of emotions Justin felt in those moments was so hard to manage, and yet - if not for those instances of pleasure where Brian was unable to hide his true feelings - Justin would probably have already left. Truthfully, witnessing Brian’s downward spiral was nearly unbearable.

  
  


Also, Justin needed to focus on other things. He was barely two months away from graduating and was overwhelmed with his studies. He, therefore, spent a lot of time at school, throwing himself into his work to keep himself busy. He couldn’t afford to fuck it up, and he knew thinking too much about what was going on between him and Brian would just bring him down. He had not fought to be where he was today, only to falter so close to the finish line.

  
  


Michael, Emmett, and even Ted were all trying to cheer him up. But he could see the look in their eyes, the one that wondered how long he would endure Brian’s silent self-punishment over what had happened to his friend, and he hated it. He hated being in this position again, the one he had been in when he and Brian had begun their relationship, when all his friends had looked at him with this pitying gaze in their eyes every time Brian would take off with a trick.

  
  


Unfortunately, Justin didn’t know it yet, but the worst part was still to come.

 

* * *

  
  


The first time Justin noticed a change was at the end of May. After a day at school, Justin had come home expecting Brian to be out as usual, but as he crossed the threshold, he immediately inhaled the lingering aroma of a cigarette and heard soft music filling the apartment. Frowning, he walked toward the living room and discovered his boyfriend in the kitchen, making dinner no less.

  
  


“Brian?” Justin tentatively called over to the brunet, who looked up at him. He was cutting vegetables, apparently making a caesar salad or something similar.

  
  


“Hey,” Brian answered him nonchalantly, acting as if being at home at seven on a Friday night and cooking -  _ cooking _ for Chrissake - wasn’t the most unreal thing he could have done considering his erratic behavior lately.

  
  


“What are you doing?” Justin inquired incredulously as he put his bag on a bar stool and stared at the vegetables spread out on the counter.

  
  


“Are you sure you don’t need to have your eyes checked?” Brian answered ironically as he kept chopping the tomato he was holding in his hand. “I’m making a salad. I thought I’d stay at home tonight.”

  
  


“And you need to make a salad to stay home? Why?” Justin insisted, not buying Brian’s casual attitude for one second.

  
  


“I don’t need to make a salad to stay home. I just thought you’d like to share a home-cooked meal for a change. With me,” Brian responded tensely as he added tomatoes to the bowl.

  
  


“I…” Justin opened his mouth, then closed it. He didn’t know why, but the fact that Brian had suddenly decided to stay home and to cook for him made him uneasy. He couldn’t help it. Several months of enduring Kinney’s pain management over Jesse’s departure was making him suspicious as to why Brian would be acting like a dutiful boyfriend out of the blue. 

  
  


Sensing Justin’s skepticism, Brian put the knife down on the kitchen counter, sighing. “Come here,” he demanded softly.

  
  


Justin didn’t move at first, but he finally walked around the counter. Brian took him in his arms and leaned his forehead against Justin’s before placing a soft kiss on his lips. 

  
  


“Can we just…” Brian began as he leaned back and placed his hand on Justin’s cheek. “I want to spend a quiet night at home with you. I… Is that too much to ask?” 

  
  


“No,” Justin replied, still wondering why Brian was acting this way. Yet, as Brian leaned in to kiss him so tenderly that Justin thought he was going to melt there and then, he forgot everything else and allowed himself to enjoy Brian’s display of affection.

  
  


One and a half hours later, they had fucked, eaten, fucked again, and were now lying on the couch and recovering from all their orgasms. Justin should have been happy that his boyfriend had finally decided to give him a little attention, and yet, he couldn’t shake the lingering feeling from his mind that something was wrong. Brian was trying his best to hide how tense he really was, but after having lived together for more than two years, Justin could read him better than anyone else.

  
  


“Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?” Justin finally asked as he straightened up against the arm of the couch.

  
  


Brian leaned back and gave him an impassive stare, which made Justin even more nervous. Putting his arm on the back of the couch, Brian finally confessed, “I slept with Lindsay.”

  
  


“You slept with…” Justin echoed, but he was unable to finish his sentence.

  
  


“I fucked her,” Brian clarified with a fake smile.

  
  


Justin felt like he was going to be sick. This wasn’t happening. Brian had slept with Lindsay? 

  
  


“I need some air.” He grabbed his clothing from the floor and put it on hastily. Once he was fully dressed, he turned to look at Brian, who hadn’t moved from the couch. “You’re a fucking asshole!” Justin spat before walking out the door.

  
  


Brian flinched when he heard the door slam.

 

* * *

 

Brian didn’t know how to deal with his feelings. He had never been good at dealing with them, truthfully. They were eating him alive, and he just wanted them to wither away, to disappear. The guilt he was carrying day after day was too much to bear. Furthermore, he couldn’t look at his friends or at his lover without remembering that it was his fault everything had gone to hell.

  
  


For months now, he had been struggling to keep going, to move on, and he was failing. Anonymous sex was a way out, a sweet, short oblivion he craved desperately. Booze and drugs allowed his mind to go quiet, to stop these dark thoughts from tormenting him. He was trading one hell for another, forgetting the guilt that was suffocating him, and purposely damaging his personal life instead.

  
  


He avoided his friends. He couldn’t stand the way they looked at him, the pity in their eyes which was slowly turning into disdain with the passage of time. He especially avoided Michael and Emmett at all costs, knowing they would undoubtedly try to ‘help’ him. Right. As if there was anything worth saving. Hadn’t he already proven time and time again that he wasn’t worth it? That they would be better off without him in their lives? He had already killed his mother and sister, and now Jesse would have to live with permanent disabilities for the rest of his life. Why couldn’t they see it?

  
  


And Justin. Fuck. 

  
  


_ Justin. _

  
  


Just thinking about the look in his boyfriend’s eyes anytime Brian came home drunk and high, stinking of sex, booze, and sweat made him sick. Brian didn’t understand why Justin hadn’t left him already. He could have. Hell, nobody in his right mind would have agreed to endure what Brian had put Justin through. The worst part was that Brian couldn’t help but hope that he’d stay, that he’d wait for him to… what? Brian was so fucking lost. Thinking about the future was impossible. All he knew was that he was going to lose Justin, and that would inevitably kill him. Honestly, he wasn’t sure he would survive Justin’s leaving him after having already lost Jesse. Talk about irony, when he was doing all he could to make it a reality. 

  
  


Oh yes, Brian hated himself and was doing all he could to earn what he deserved. And most of the time, he didn’t care. Only during the rare times he allowed himself to think about it did he acknowledge what he was truly trying to achieve with his behavior. 

  
  


Justin would be better off without him. He would finally find a boyfriend who would be able to acknowledge him as his partner, would tell him those three fucking words Brian would never be able to say, would cherish him, make love to him, and love him. Everything Brian couldn’t do. Except for the love part, because Brian knew exactly how much he loved Justin even if, once again, he tried as hard as he could not to think about it.

  
  


Brian also knew his reasoning was completely fucked up. Self-punishment was a pathetic excuse, really. But, again, his mind was a mess. A huge, guilty, insufferable mess, and he had neither the will nor the strength to deal with his mess. Sex, booze, and drugs were the only tools he had to repress the torment - with the extra bonus of hours of pleasure or, if not gratification, at least numbness.

  
  


The only problem with that reasoning, except for his private life going to hell, was that he was experiencing failure at work, too. Ryder was none too happy with him lately, and Brian couldn’t blame him, although he had promised himself that he wouldn’t lose his position, not after all the effort he had put into earning it. Thus, while he acted like an irresponsible prick in his everyday life, his professional life hadn’t suffered too much from his self-loathing, but he wasn’t his one hundred percent, normally competent self, either.

  
  


In late May, he lost a client. Mr. Herald, the owner of an exclusive line of shoes who had been faithful to Ryder’s firm for more than eight years, was a real homophobe, often praising himself as a good Catholic who had raised six children. The prick refused to acknowledge that he had a wife at home who was doing all the real work, while her stupid, lecherous husband cheated on her during his business trips. Brian couldn’t stand Herald, and while he usually played along and entertained his clients - even the most insufferable ones - and then fucked them over once it was too late for them to back out of their contracts with Ryder, this time he couldn’t stop himself. He told the middle-aged man to go to hell, after having proclaimed that he would probably be less uptight if he took it up the ass. Needless to say, Ryder ripped him a new one as soon as the client had walked out the door.

  
  


Brian had never lost his temper at work before. Ryder told him in no uncertain terms that this was not to happen again, or he would  be fired without notice. Brian was fuming, but he didn’t utter a word during his boss’s ten-minute lecture.

  
  


He left work at seven, feeling on edge and furious, heading straight to the baths, where he stayed for two solid, hard-working hours. When he left the place, he discovered a message from an obviously tipsy Lindsay, who was spending her evening with some friends in a bar and was begging Brian to rescue her. Apparently, some guys couldn’t take no for an answer, and Melanie was out of town. Brian was the next best thing to make the unwanted intruders disappear.

  
  


It had been two months since Brian had seen Lindsay, so he decided to join her. When he arrived, Lindsay was doing shots with some guy, and she almost tripped when she stood up as Brian approached her table.

  
  


“Brian!” Lindsay greeted him as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

  
  


Brian decided to play along. “Hey, honey. I thought I’d see you at home,” he drawled with a mischievous smirk before extending his hand to the guy still sitting at the table.

  
  


“You knew I had this gathering with my college friends tonight. I told you this morning,” Lindsay responded with a knowing smile.

  
  


“You did? I must have been focused on other things,” Brian replied slyly, placing a chaste kiss on her lips and making Lindsay blush. Turning to look at the guy she had been doing shots with, Brian introduced himself. “I’m Brian.”

  
  


“Finn,” the blond man responded. “We were just starting,” he hastily added as if to excuse his behavior to Brian, who inwardly laughed at the man’s embarrassment.

  
  


“You were?” Brian inquired. “How many shots did you already drink?”

  
  


“Three?” Finn responded uncertainly, not really comfortable with the whole situation.

  
  


“Three…” Brian echoed with a nod, before plopping himself on the stool in front of Finn. “Tell you what. I will drink three shots right now, and then we will have a contest between men. The winner will spend the night with my beautiful girlfriend. You don’t mind, do you, Linds?”

  
  


“You know I don’t,” Lindsay replied immediately, sporting a huge grin and coming closer to Brian. She had always loved Brian’s pranks when they played a  hetero couple. 

  
  


“If we tie, we’ll have a threesome,” Brian specified with a goofy smile before raising his eyebrow at Finn. “Game?”

  
  


Finn stared between Brian and Lindsay several times as if he were asking himself whether the couple was for real, but he finally agreed. “I’m game.”

  
  


“A man after my own heart,” Brian quipped before taking his first shot.

  
  


A couple of hours later, Brian and Lindsay were both completely drunk. Finn had lost, of course, puking his guts into the toilet after the eleventh shot of vodka, and Brian had proclaimed victory in front of a roomful of heteros who had looked at him as if he were a god. As a result, the bartender had offered him a bottle of Beam before they left. They’d ended up at Lindsay’s place, Brian producing some E that they washed down with gulps of whiskey, while Brian had complained about ungrateful bosses, stupid heteros, Catholic bitches, and shitty lives. The last image he would remember from that night was fucking his friend while half-screaming, half laughing, ‘ _ Fuck them all! _ ’, and finding the situation hilarious.

  
  


That night, as always, he had wanted to stop thinking, to stop feeling, and he had succeeded brilliantly. He’d just forgotten to consider what he would achieve when that happened.  
  


* * *

 

When Justin left after Brian’s revelation, he stayed home with the hopeless wish that his partner would return during the evening. At one a.m., he received a text from Michael, informing him that Justin was spending the night at Emmett’s apartment.

  
  


He really had outdone himself with Lindsay. Brian couldn’t believe his own actions. Even for him, it was completely insane. Why did he fuck her? When he’d woken up next to her this morning, he’d felt sick, and it had nothing to do with his hangover. He hadn’t even waited for her to awaken before he’d fled her apartment. On his way to work, he’d stopped the car and puked into the gutter. He’d avoided Ryder all day, locking himself inside his office, fortunate enough not to have any appointments scheduled. He’d gone home at five o’clock and had taken a long shower before heading to the nearest grocery store to buy some ingredients to make a light dinner. He knew he had to tell Justin what had happened, but the knot in his stomach was making it difficult to breathe. When Justin had come home, the brunet had decided to postpone what he had to say, desperately needing to feel Justin’s skin, his touch, his lips, before his confession caused irreversible damage. Brian didn’t know if Justin would forgive him. Even Brian knew that by fucking Lindsay, he’d crossed a line from which there was no turning back. 

  
  


So, he had been slow, uncharacteristically gentle, making their union last for as long as possible while not being able to let go of the anxiety that was inwardly gnawing at him. Justin wasn’t fooled, though, and Brian finally had to reveal the truth.

  
  


The betrayal he’d seen in Justin’s eyes had knocked the air out of him, despite his attempts to hide it. The words Justin had spat had felt like hailstones pummeling his face. He knew, though, that he deserved that and so much more, so he didn’t try to stop Justin from storming out the door.

  
  


Lindsay had tried to call him during the day, too, but he’d ignored her calls. He couldn’t deal with her now.

  
  


Brian didn’t hear from Justin at all over the weekend. By Sunday night, he was feeling restless after having been alone with his thoughts for two days. Surprisingly, nobody had come to lecture him over his behavior. He hadn’t been out of their apartment since Friday, and hadn’t responded to his cell once. He’d barely slept or eaten anything. Not that he was eating much lately, anyway, except for the liquor he was gulping in vast quantities, but his stomach was knotted too tightly to allow him to swallow anything. 

  
  


Feeling like he would explode if he didn’t do anything, he decided to go to Emmett’s, hoping that Justin would still be there and that he would agree to talk with him.

  
  


Emmett opened the door. “Brian,” he greeted him without his normal enthusiasm, not letting the anxious brunet enter the apartment.

  
  


“Is he here?” Brian barked, not even trying to pretend he’d come for a social visit.

  
  


Emmett didn’t respond, but he furtively glanced towards the living room, silently confirming that Justin was still there. “I’m not sure you being here is a good idea.”

  
  


“I need to see him,” Brian insisted.

  
  


“Brian…” Emmett tried, but Brian cut him off.

  
  


“Justin!” he yelled before stepping forward to enter the apartment. “Emmett, let me in.”

  
  


“No,” Emmett refused. Brian tried again to bypass him, but Emmett pushed him back with surprising strength. “No!” he repeated, and Brian glared at him in frustration.

  
  


“Justin!” Brian shouted once more. “For fuck’s sake, Honeycutt, just tell him I’m here.”

  
  


“It’s okay, Emmett.” Brian heard Justin’s weary voice before he actually saw him. A moment later, the blond appeared next to Emmett and, from the look on his face, Brian could tell his boyfriend had not slept much during the past two days.

  
  


“You’re sure, Sweetie?” Emmett asked, genuinely concerned for his young friend.

  
  


“I’m sure,” Justin confirmed with a slight nod before peering hesitantly at Brian, who felt his heart skip a beat as a result.

  
  


“Okay. I will be in my room if you need me.” Emmett stated before looking at Brian one last time, obviously conveying a message not to fuck it up. He then left them alone.

  
  


Justin sighed and walked away. Brian took it as his clue to follow, and stepped closer to the blond, shutting the door behind him. They stopped in the living room, but they didn’t sit down. Justin moved to the window, staring out at the encroaching darkness.

  
  


“What do you want, Brian?” Justin asked tiredly, without looking at his lover.

  
  


Brian felt his heart drumming rapidly inside his chest. “I’d say I’m here to apologize if my actions have hurt you, but I doubt that’s enough,” he blurted out, not really knowing what to say or do to salvage whatever was left of their ‘relationship’. He didn’t know what Justin felt, expected, or needed. Truthfully, he’d barely listened to anything his boyfriend had said to him for the last few months, and he was at a loss as to what he should do. 

  
  


“That’s actually the first relevant thing you’ve said to me in months,” Justin retorted dryly.

  
  


Brian moved closer to Justin, stopping just behind him before uttering, “Tell me how you feel.”

  
  


Justin squeezed his eyes shut as if he were in pain. Opening them again, he responded, obviously frustrated, “I don’t know.” He turned around and repeated more loudly, “I don’t know!” 

  
  


A heavy silence ensued during which Brian couldn’t tear his gaze away from Justin, who was still refusing to look at him, but the blond’s body language betrayed how agitated he really felt.

  
  


Eventually, Justin rubbed his forehead and looked up at Brian for the first time since they’d entered the living room. “You… What were you thinking?” he asked incredulously, referring to the situation with Lindsay. “Fucking your best female friend? Really? Do you have so little consideration for her or... for me? What have we done to you, Brian? And what the fuck are you doing to yourself? Christ!” Justin was almost yelling now. 

  
  


Justin choked out a weary retort, sounding exhausted, like he was fresh out of ideas. “It’s been months. Months! Don’t you know how you make me feel? Don’t you?” He started to push Brian back, placing his hands on his chest, letting the anger that had built inside of him for weeks take the upper hand. “You’re a fucking prick!” he concluded angrily.

  
  


Brian let Justin push him several times without reacting. “I am,” he confirmed Justin’s accusation.

  
  


Justin finally stopped shoving and just stood there, staring at Brian with an unbearable look of exhaustion in his eyes. “I don’t know if I can forgive you.” The tone of his voice was surprisingly calm now, and it made Brian feel cold all of a sudden.

  
  


“Justin…” Brian enunciated his name, but no other words came out.

  
  


Justin raised the palm of his hand as he took a step back. He shook his head, “You really need to let it go, Brian. It’s not your fault Jesse was hurt, but as long as you believe it was, we won’t be able to save whatever is left of our relationship. Not when you’re doing such a great job of pushing me away,” he stated, not giving a shit about using the dreaded ‘r’ word or Brian’s possible reaction to it. “I can’t do it anymore. So, either you deal with your shit and stop punishing yourself, or…”

  
  


Brian swallowed. “Or?” 

  
  


“It’s over,” Justin asserted firmly. “I mean it, Brian. I can’t deal with your shit anymore. And…” Justin paused, as he pondered whether he should say out loud what he was thinking. He finally shared, “I can’t stand to see you having so little respect for yourself. I just… I can’t stand it.”

  
  


Brian understood this was his last chance. He was amazed that Justin still cared about him, even after everything, even when he had hurt him over and over again. What was even more astounding was that Justin was truly concerned, worried that he would not succeed in moving on with his life, and convinced that what had happened with Jesse wasn’t his fault.

  
  


Justin still loved him. That realization threw Brian off kilter, and he realized he didn’t want to question the how and why. Maybe he should, so that Justin would ultimately be free to leave him for a better life, but he couldn't let him go yet. As much as he had wanted to push Justin away these last few months, thinking,  _ knowing _ that his boyfriend would be better off without him, now that he had a chance to make it happen, Brian could no longer bear the thought of it becoming a reality.  

  
  


He was a coward.

  
  


“I promise you I will try,” Brian offered as he came closer to Justin and tentatively placed a hand on his cheek. Maybe this promise would not be enough, but he couldn’t lie, either. He wasn’t sure he would succeed in fixing their relationship. He’d gone too far. He had fucked Lindsay, and he should feel awful about that, but the sad truth was, now that he’d had some time to process it, he’d realized that he didn’t really care. Sure, it was a huge mistake, but what could he do about it? Even if he didn’t want to lose Justin, would this incentive be enough in the end? Or was it already too late?

  
  


Justin stared at him for endless seconds, and Brian briefly feared that his vow to try to deal with his shit would not be sufficient. “The extra drinking, drugging, and sex has to stop,” Justin eventually demanded. “You can’t go on like this.”

  
  


“I know,” Brian uttered.

  
  


There was a long, deafening silence. “I really don’t know if I can forgive you.” Justin finally declared in a quiet voice as he stepped back, effectively putting some distance between himself and Brian.

  
  


“Okay,” Brian responded quietly, even if he had a hard time understanding how fucking Lindsay was so much worse that fucking nameless tricks in Justin’s eyes. “I just…” he began, but he didn’t finish his sentence, although he wanted to say more: that he didn’t want to lose Justin because the thought of a life without the blond in it was unbearable, even if he had been prepared for it to happen in his fucked-up head.

  
  


That he loved him.

  
  


Instead, Brian offered Justin some space. “You need some time to process what happened; I get that. So, I’m going to let you breathe. I’m going home. You stay here for as long as you need. I will wait for you.” Even if he wanted nothing more than to take Justin home and worship his body for days to make him understand how much he really meant to him, he knew Justin wasn’t ready for that. The younger man needed to sort out his feelings before allowing him to be close to him again, and the brunet reluctantly accepted that.

  
  


“I will wait for you,” Brian couldn’t help but repeat his plea once again, hoping Justin would hear what he was really trying to convey. He walked closer and put his hand on Justin’s neck before leaning in to place a chaste, yet heartfelt kiss on the blond’s forehead. Justin didn’t move, not even when Brian stepped back, staring at him with a meaningful gaze before leaving the apartment.

  
  


Twenty minutes later, Emmett emerged from his bedroom and entered the living room just as Michael came back from dinner at his mom’s. Justin was sitting on the couch, his face buried in his lap. 

  
  


As he walked in, Michael gave Emmett an inquiring look before peering at Justin and asking tentatively, “You okay?” Michael sat down next to Justin, placing a hand on his friend’s back and rubbing it in a soothing manner.

  
  


Justin sniffed slightly. His voice reflected his unresolved emotions as he responded quietly, “Sometimes I wish… that I didn’t love him so much. How pathetic is that, huh?”

  
  


Emmett’s heart squeezed at the scene unfolding before his eyes.

 

* * *

 

**_June 2006…_ **

  
  


It took Justin sixteen days to go home. Firstly, he wasn’t yet ready to see Brian, but mainly, he wanted to focus on preparing for his final exams, which would take place at the beginning of June. He knew it was pretty much a done deal, as he had earned superior grades in all his courses, but he didn’t want to leave anything to chance. Furthermore, concentrating on his studies was a good way to forget about his disastrous private life.

  
  


Mr. Williamson, his graphic design professor, spoke with him after his last exam. Apparently, one of the instructor’s friends was looking for an assistant graphic designer for his company, and Mr. Williamson had selected three potential candidates from his students, Justin being one of them. The position to be filled was in Chicago, though. Justin decided to go to the interview, and flew to the city three days later.

  
  


The encounter with the department head went beyond well. Justin walked out of the interview with the certainty that he would be selected for the job, although he had no idea whether or not he would accept the offer of employment. He couldn’t think about it for now, because if he accepted the position, it would mean that he and Brian were really over - and he wasn’t yet ready for that to happen. It’d been more that two weeks since he’d seen his boyfriend, but he’d heard through Michael that the brunet was apparently moving on, and had slowed down his endless night-time exploits.

  
  


When he stepped off the plane as he returned from his trip, he paused, looking around. Other passengers bypassed him as they hurriedly walked through the airport terminal. 

  
  


Justin felt restless. He suddenly understood that it was time to go home, to face Brian and learn whether there was anything between them that was worth saving. Truthfully, Justin missed Brian more than he could say. In fact, he had missed him for months, and even if he was still angry at the brunet, he also couldn’t keep from hoping that they would eventually rediscover what they’d lost. 

  
  


Justin therefore decided to text Brian. ‘I’m coming home’ was all he wrote. He received a response twenty seconds later. 

  
  


One word. ‘Okay.’

  
  


He took a bus back to Pittsburgh, allowing himself some time to prepare for the coming encounter. It was barely five-thirty, but he had a feeling Brian would be home, waiting for him.

  
  


Brian was there, apparently having returned from work shortly before his arrival. When Justin entered, he was sitting at his desk in the living room. Brian immediately gazed up at him with a guarded expression. Justin couldn’t blame him. He, too, felt anxious as to what would happen now.

  
  


“Hey,” Justin whispered as he put his duffel bag on the floor near the couch.

  
  


“You’ve been somewhere?” Brian inquired as he stared at the bag, noticing it had an airline luggage tag attached to it.

  
  


“Chicago,” Justin answered awkwardly. He had thought Michael would have informed Brian about his trip, but apparently Brian was truly clueless about it. In response to Brian’s interrogative stare, Justin specified, “I had a job interview.” He then opened his bag and retrieved his jacket to hang it up in the entryway.

  
  


“What for?” Brian inquired as he finally turned off the computer and got up.

  
  


“Assistant Graphic Designer. My graphic design professor recommended me for the position,” Justin responded, walking into the kitchen area. He took a water bottle from the fridge and opened it, swallowing a couple of gulps before placing it down on the counter.

  
  


“How did it go?” Brian continued his inquiry as he positioned himself in front of Justin, the kitchen counter separating them. 

  
  


Justin had wanted to gauge Brian’s reaction to the possibility of his moving to another city, but so far Brian’s face remained impassive. “I’m pretty sure I nailed it. They will let me know their decision in the next few weeks,” he revealed, staring at his boyfriend, who didn’t react at all.

  
  


Moreover, Brian didn’t comment any further, either, which pissed Justin off.

  
  


The blond let out an heavy, frustrated sigh as he leaned in, his hands braced on the counter as he glared up at Brian. “Are you going to pretend that you don’t care one bit that I could possibly move away?” he snarled.

  
  


“It’s a job,” Brian replied with a shrug, as expected. “I’d understand if you wanted to go.”

  
  


“Do you want me to go?” Justin pushed.

  
  


Brian peered at him, and the two men ended up staring at each other for a heartbeat too long. Brian finally answered, “What I want is irrelevant. It’s your future, not mine.”

  
  


Justin almost flinched at Brian’s indifference. Brian sensed it, though, and walked around the counter, positioning himself by Justin’s side. He grabbed the younger man’s chin. “Hey,” he whispered, his eyes searching Justin’s gaze. The blond eventually focused on Brian’s face, the brunet letting his hand fall to his side. “I’m glad you’re home. I missed you.”

  
  


Justin knew Brian wouldn’t give him anything more. In fact, his lover acknowledging that he had missed him was already huge; although, it was barely enough.

  
  


“I’m tired,” Justin dismissed him. He was exhausted, alright, but not necessarily physically. He’d hoped that Brian would be more open once he’d returned home, but he wasn’t surprised, either. It would have been too easy. He didn’t have the courage to confront Brian now, however. Justin knew they should talk about what had happened and about his absence for more than two weeks,  but right now, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to.

  
  


“You should rest. You look exhausted. Why don’t you go take a shower while I order some take out? Chinese good?” Brian offered.

  
  


“Sure. Whatever.” Justin waved a dismissive hand at him before grabbing his duffel bag and disappearing into the bathroom. Closing the door behind him, he prayed that his heart would stop hammering so frantically in his chest and squeezed his eyes shut.  
  


* * *

 

In the couple of weeks that followed, Brian and Justin pretended to be fine. Justin graduated with honors, and they celebrated his achievement with their friends. Brian didn’t go out much anymore, and when he did, he always came home, rather than staying away overnight. However, the uneasiness Justin felt anytime he was alone with Brian made it difficult to fully enjoy this apparent truce. It was like Justin was waiting for the other shoe to drop, not fully believing that the hell they had lived in for so many months was over.

  
  


Justin sensed that something was still gnawing at Brian. It was the first time ever that Justin had felt uncomfortable in Brian’s presence, as if something were broken between them, but neither man wanted to acknowledge the problem. 

  
  


Moreover, Brian still needed to return Lindsay’s calls. Justin had noticed that he avoided her like the plague, and the blond was convinced that it was part of the problem. Lindsay was important to Brian, and he couldn’t offer to lose her, too.

  
  


By the beginning of July, though, something changed. Brian suddenly started to go out again. At first, Justin thought that he was being paranoid, but after a few days, he sadly realized that he wasn’t. He didn’t understand what was happening. Sure, since his return, they hadn’t been in a much better place than they had been during Brian’s self-loathing phase, but at least Brian had pretended to try. Brian’s reneging on his promise hurt like hell.

  
  


However, Justin didn’t have to wait long before learning why Brian had fallen prey to his old demons. One day when he was home, Lindsay showed up on their doorstep, looking like an utter wreck. Her eyes reflected her exhaustion and worry. Although Justin had wanted to slam the door in her face when he’d realized who was at the door - he had not seen her since that infamous night - he’d refrained.

  
  


Lindsay looked at him as if she were seeing a ghost. She fidgeted, clearly uncomfortable about facing Justin for the first time since she’d slept with Brian. “I need to see Brian,” she eventually uttered in a strained voice.

  
  


“You’ve got some nerve showing up here,” Justin barked at her.

  
  


“Justin…” Lindsay quailed at his wrath.

  
  


“He’s not here,” Justin spat at her, gripping the door with his left hand, obviously ready to slam it in her face.

  
  


“Justin, wait!” She prevented him from dismissing her by placing a foot on the doorsill. “You don’t understand...”

  
  


Justin cut her off angrily. “I don’t care. I don’t want to see you, and if Brian doesn’t want to see you, either; it’s not my problem. You can go fuck yourself for all I care!”

  
  


“I’m pregnant…” Lindsay stammered.

  
  


“Just leave me a...You’re  _ what _ ?” Justin blanched at Lindsay’s announcement.  He stared at her in shock. He wanted to say something, but no words came out. His legs felt weak all of a sudden.  

  
  


He wasn’t aware that he’d closed the door on Lindsay before sinking to the floor. He felt utterly sick. Lindsay was pregnant. With Brian’s child. 

  
  


Brian must know. All the nights out lately, the sudden reversion to his previous behavior. Lindsay’s pregnancy explained everything. Brian hadn’t told Justin, though. Instead, he’d given up on them. So Justin couldn’t help but ask himself:  was this the death knell to his and Brian’s relationship?

 

 

  
  



	31. Jesse’s story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My eternal gratitude to Karynn (Eureka1) for sharing her words with me and to Kim (Preced2) for her wonderful help. I feel very privileged to have both of them by my side.  
> Note: This chapter is mainly centered on Jesse's character and his story since he left Pittsburgh in March 2006.

 

**_November 2014, Three Days Earlier, Baltimore…_ **

  
  


Aaron entered the living room and immediately noticed his partner sitting by the window, lost in thought. He approached Jesse and encircled his shoulders with one arm before placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

  
  


“You okay?” Aaron inquired when Jesse didn’t react to his display of affection.

  
  


Jesse didn’t answer immediately. He kept staring out the window for a bit before finally gazing up at Aaron with a small, yet anxious smile gracing his lips. “I’m okay,” he eventually responded softly before looking back outside. 

  
  


It had been one day since he’d talked to Justin, the first time they’d spoken since his friend had returned to Pittsburgh. He hadn’t been able to think about anything else since the call ended. Eight years had passed since he’d set foot in his adoptive hometown, too angry at first, then too afraid to go back. Moreover, he couldn’t believe how he had snapped at Justin over the phone when his friend had informed him of his decision to move back. 

  
  


So much had happened in eight years. So many battles, so many failures. So many joys, too. He wasn’t the same man he once was. That wasn’t entirely true, though. He’d just lost himself along the way, and had had to fight like a madman to find his way back, not only to what he’d lost, but - more importantly - to whom he was. 

  
  


Aaron had been his rock. If not for the older man, Jesse didn’t know where he would be today and, frankly, he didn’t want to know. All that mattered was that he was in a good place now. They planned to get married soon, now that marriage was legal for gay men. But most of all, it was his thirteen-year-old daughter who gave him the certainty that he couldn’t be happier; he already had everything he could wish for.

  
  


Well, almost everything.

 

* * *

  
  


The first year after moving to Baltimore had been hell. 

  
  


Jesse had spent a lot of time in rehab. He’d learned more about how to function on his own and to deal with his new limitations, but he’d had a really hard time adjusting, still convinced that he would not succeed in regaining any more mobility that would help him cope with his daily life. Even though he’d known perfectly well that he had to try and halt his irrational fear of failure and control his rage so that the therapy would benefit him as much as possible, he hadn’t always been able to restrain himself or hold the negative thoughts at bay. Doctors, physical therapists, support groups; anyone who had been trying to help him recover and move on, he’d hated them all - not because of who they were, but because of what they represented. Whenever he’d had to deal with one of them, it had sent him spiralling backward to the angry, useless, desperate man he’d become, a man he hated with all his heart.

  
  


As a result, after three months in the new rehabilitation center, he had not progressed much, and the doctors had no longer been optimistic that Jesse would regain any more mobility. Understanding that it was partly his fault for resisting so hard, Jesse had fallen into a deep depression, shutting out everyone around him, including Aaron.

  
  


To this day, Jesse didn’t know why Aaron hadn’t left him. Most days, he had just refused to talk at all. When he had spoken, he’d been petty and hurtful. Aaron had ignored all his rages and silences, staying by his side, patiently supporting him and taking care of him, day in and day out. He had never complained, never once responding angrily to Jesse’s awful moods, not even the couple of times when Jesse had felt so down that he had screamed at the top of his lungs that he didn’t care about Aaron and that he wanted him gone. Jesse had never doubted Aaron’s love for him after the accident, but true love never rang truer to him than when he remembered those darkest of days.  
  


 

* * *

  
  


**_Flashback, February 2007…_ **

  
  


About fifteen months after the accident, Jesse witnessed a scene that changed everything. As he rolled his wheelchair into the hallway of their apartment and was about to enter his bedroom, he stopped at the open door, his heart constricting painfully at the sight in front of him. 

  
  


Aaron was sitting on the bed, his back to Jesse. He was sobbing. His shoulders were shaking from the desperate cries escaping his body, his head buried in his hands. 

  
  


Jesse felt like his heart was breaking as he witnessed his partner’s meltdown. He had been so focused on his own pain that he had been unable to acknowledge that his lover was suffering, too. Aaron was always trying so hard to be strong for him, never once showing how vulnerable he really was. Jesse sometimes forgot that the attack hadn’t just touched him; the truth was, a lot of people’s lives had been altered by Spencer’s insanity. Aaron had been particularly burdened by its aftermath. It wasn’t even about Jesse’s limitations. No, it was Jesse’s pain which was eating Aaron alive and his pushing him away that his lover couldn’t bear anymore.

  
  


Staring at Aaron’s shoulders trembling uncontrollably, Jesse understood that he was to blame. Because of his actions and his refusal to face his new life, he had hurt the one person he loved more than anything by making him feel useless and helpless. 

  
  


More than that, Jesse’s anger and despair had sapped the energy out of his own life. It had destroyed years of friendship in a heartbeat. At first, he had felt nothing but a huge void and indifference when he’d thought about his former best friend, but that day, as he observed Aaron breaking down, the pain he experienced at the thought of his and Brian’s destroyed relationship overwhelmed him completely.

  
  


Maybe it was too late to salvage his relationship with Brian, but Jesse could still help Aaron and lessen his pain. So, as he rolled back into the hallway to give some privacy to his lover, he decided that he had to start living again, if not for himself, then for Aaron.

  
  


An hour later, when Aaron emerged from the bedroom, his eyes still red from crying even though he had done all he could do to hide it, Jesse was waiting for him. “Aaron…” he called over to his lover softly.

  
  


“You need anything?” Aaron immediately asked, once again putting Jesse’s needs above his own as he neared the kitchen table, where his partner was feigning to read a book while sipping a cup of coffee.

  
  


“No. I mean… I just want to talk,” Jesse explained.

  
  


“You do?” Aaron responded with a quizzical frown.

  
  


“Come here,” Jesse urged the other man, leaning over slightly to pat the chair next to him that faced his wheelchair. Aaron carefully sat, still harboring a puzzled look. Jesse hated that his lover acted so guarded now, but he couldn’t blame him, either. Taking a deep breath, Jesse locked eyes with Aaron and declared, “Things are going to change from now on.”

  
  


Aaron’s brow furrowed even more. “What do you mean?”

  
  


“I’m tired of being angry, Aaron. I want my life back,” Jesse stated with conviction. He was painfully aware that he couldn’t overlook his physical limitations in the foreseeable future, but he could, however, stop his endless self-wallowing and finally admit that being paralyzed wasn’t the end of the world. It didn’t make him a lesser person. He could still have a life full of laughter and joy and even live on his own, using his arms and hands to replace his legs.  He could still be Jesse Ramsay, if only he allowed himself to be.

  
  


“What do you mean, you want your life back?” Aaron’s voice instantly steering his attention back to their conversation.

  
  


“Just that...” Jesse leaned in to grab Aaron’s hand. “Have I told you lately how much I love you?”

  
  


Aaron couldn’t keep a chuckle from escaping at Jesse’s unexpected declaration. “No.”

  
  


“Well, Aaron Hartman, I love you madly, passionately, deeply, from the bottom of my heart,” Jesse declared with an impish smile. 

  
  


“I never knew you could be so cheesy,” Aaron playfully replied.

  
  


“I have my moments.” 

  
  


Aaron chuckled again. Jesse loved hearing him laugh for a change. It’d been a long time. “Okay. Don’t get me wrong,” Aaron started, pausing briefly before sharing what he really thought. “I’m happy you’re feeling good today, but I’m quite puzzled by this sudden change of heart. You’ve been depressed for months.”

  
  


“I know. To be honest, I’m fed up with myself. You must be, too,” Jesse surmised.

  
  


“I’m…” Aaron was obviously going to deny it for Jesse’s sake, but his partner quirked an eyebrow at him before he could actually say anything else. Aaron pursed his lips before admitting in a jesting tone, “Okay, you’re impossible.”

  
  


“Well, I’ve never believed in doing anything halfway.” Jesse smirked.

  
  


“Yeah. Unfortunately.” Aaron agreed, giving Jesse a pointed, yet mischievous look.

  
  


Jesse rolled his eyes, before turning serious. “Listen, I’m sorry.”

  
  


Aaron immediately shook his head. “Jesse…”

  
  


“No. Let me say it. I need to say it,” Jesse insisted and Aaron nodded, signalling his understanding. “I need to fucking suck it up and move on. I’ve been an insufferable, selfish, ungrateful, and needy son of a bitch for months. Seriously, you could have bailed on me more than once,” he conceded, staring into his lover’s glistening eyes. “It’s just… I don’t know. It’s as if being angry caused me to ignore that I’ve fucked up, big time.”

  
  


“Why do you think that? It’s not like you chose what happened to you.”

  
  


“Maybe not, but Aaron, how much more can you take from me? What I’m making you go through because of my depression, it’s not right. You’ve given up so much because of me,” Jesse averred.

  
  


Aaron snorted and squeezed Jesse’s hand, rolling his lips inward almost shyly. “It’s not like I had a fucking choice to begin with.” He didn’t need to specify what he meant with that sentimental statement. 

  
  


Jesse smiled, staring down at their joined hands, and rubbed his thumb across Aaron’s palm. “I fucked up, Aaron. I really did.” He let out a heavy sigh, before admitting as he gazed away, “I should have tried harder.”

  
  


“Hey…” Aaron grabbed his chin, forcing Jesse to look up at him. “What’s done is done. Mourning over what could have been is not going to achieve anything. You need to focus on the future.”

  
  


“You’re right,” Jesse acquiesced. 

  
  


“Jesse...” Aaron began, obviously hesitating, “Dr. Stern talked to me about…”  He faltered, just enough for Jesse to frown slightly.

  
  


“About what?” He pressed his partner. Dr. Stern had been Jesse’s doctor since they’d moved to Baltimore, charting Jesse’s progress, and ordering him to keep up with his daily exercises to regain some of his strength. Matthew - Jesse’s physical therapist who had been recommended by Dr. Stern -  had struggled since day one to get the angry, bitter man to follow through with his exercise routine. Jesse had bitched for months about those sessions, but he had reluctantly agreed to do the minimum required, more to shut both of them up than because he truly wanted to get better. Therefore, he had not progressed as much as he could have, and in truth, his last encounter with Dr. Stern hadn’t gone so well. The man had not sugarcoated matters in regard to what he thought of Jesse’s bad temper, reminding him that he had other patients to take care of, patients who were willing and  _ fighting _ to get better and who were not wasting their lives wallowing in self pity. To say Jesse had been pissed would be an understatement, even more so because Dr. Stern had been right, not that he would have ever admitted it to the grey-haired man. 

  
  


“There is an experimental program he is going to supervise starting next month. Considering the nature of your injury, you could be a good candidate for this trial,” Aaron revealed, bringing Jesse back from his reveries.

  
  


“I could?” Jesse asked, his interest piqued.

  
  


“Yeah.” 

  
  


“Why didn’t he talk to me directly about that trial?” Jesse inquired, his brow furrowing. Aaron didn’t respond verbally, but gazed at Jesse sadly instead. Jesse surmised, “He didn’t think I would be one hundred percent involved, did he?”

  
  


“Can you blame him?” Aaron asked with a gentle voice. “You’ve not been the most enthusiastic patient so far.”

  
  


“I guess not,” Jesse conceded. “Do you think he would reconsider if I talk to him?”

  
  


“It’s worth a shot. In any case, you need to be fully informed before agreeing to anything. I don’t doubt it would be hell to go through,” Aaron confessed. 

  
  


“What did he say to you about this?” Jesse inquired with genuine interest.

  
  


“They’re experimenting with a new, less invasive procedure to reduce the compression on injured spines. With that method, they’re hoping for the patients to fully or partially regain the mobility they’ve lost. Although, in your case, with your muscles weakened by disuse for so long, you’d have to relearn everything from scratch. It would mean therapy every day, starting with massage and muscle stimulation, until your body is strong enough for you to bear your weight. It will probably take months before you get to that point. And from what Dr. Stern told me, if you think you’ve had it hard till now, it’s nothing compared to what you’d go through.”

  
  


“That sounds appealing,” Jesse responded sarcastically.

  
  


“Jesse…” Aaron began, “before deciding anything, and if Dr. Stern agrees to let you enter the clinical trial - and it’s a big ‘if’ if you ask me - you need to consider that it may not work. There is absolutely no guarantee.” He paused, letting the words sink in, before resuming, “but one thing's for sure; in order for there to even be a chance it would work, you’d need to invest yourself in it completely. For instance, you couldn’t decide to stop exercising just because you were too tired, either physically or emotionally. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  
  


Jesse stared at Aaron, noting the hope, but also the fear in his lover’s eyes that this moment was just a brief interlude, and that come tomorrow, Jesse would renege on his promise to let go of his demons and move on. 

  
  


_ God, those eyes _ … Jesse felt his heartbeat speed up, the love he felt for Aaron at this instant overwhelming him, flooding his entire being with a feeling of happiness so sudden and so strong that he felt his eyes unexpectedly tear up. Unable to prevent it, he felt a droplet fall onto his cheek. He wiped it away and finally declared, “I love you so much that it’s utterly ridiculous.”

  
  


Aaron burst out laughing, although his gaze reflected how touched he really was by Jesse’s confession. “Does that mean you’re ready to try?” he pushed, Jesse not having responded to his previous question.

  
  


“Yes. Truthfully, with you by my side, it feels like I could walk on the moon someday,” Jesse quipped, his lips curving upward. Aaron responded with a smile of his own, and Jesse leaned closer as he whispered, “I promise you I will do all I can to get better. And even if I can’t enter the trial, or if it doesn’t work, it will be okay...” He straightened and captured Aaron’s gaze before adding, “...as long as I have you in my life. I never want to lose you.”

  
  


Aaron kissed him then. The kiss spoke about love, about regret and pain, but also about the hope that a better future was within reach, when yesterday it had felt so unattainable. Jesse responded to the kiss, opening his lips for Aaron’s tongue. He’d almost forgotten how good it felt to be touched by this man. For so long, his sexual desire had suffered along with his withdrawal from life, but now he could sense tendrils of warmth uncurling and pervading every part of his body. It was as if he could feel that warmth everywhere, although that was impossible. Still, Aaron made him feel like he was flying, and he  _ wanted _ to fly so badly. He wanted to let go of his disability completely. So he did.

  
  


Jesse broke the kiss. He gripped Aaron’s cock through his jeans, earning a gasp from his lover. Aaron stared at him questioningly, and Jesse responded by opening his pants.

  
  


The pleasure he felt that night was like nothing he’d ever experienced. They’d had sex since he’d been hurt, yet Jesse had never been able to let go completely. But that night, all was different. It was like some some bond had snapped inside Jesse, freeing him from an inner prison he’d not even been aware he was in to begin with. His body felt on fire, released from its dormancy. 

  
  


When Aaron’s cock first slipped inside his mouth, Jesse could have sworn that he felt his toes curl. When he agreed to Aaron’s request and entered his lover, he had the sensation that sparks were exploding inside of him. Later, he would reflect, amazed, on how complex the brain could be, making you feel things that couldn’t exist.

  
  


At least, they couldn’t exist  _ that _ day. Because Jesse didn’t know it yet but, soon, he would walk again. For now, though, he was flying, high and fast. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


The first time Jesse had felt a hand touching his right leg was four months later. Dr Stern had agreed for him to undergo the procedure, which had been a success for two out of five patients so far. Aaron had been scared shitess that it wouldn’t work or that something would go wrong, but Jesse had reassured him, adamant that, whatever the result, he wouldn’t stop living. The trauma Aaron had experienced after Spencer had attacked Jesse was gnawing at him, however, and he had a hard time keeping his emotions under control. Fortunately, the procedure went well, and Jesse smiled wider than ever the first time he felt Aaron’s hand on his leg as he woke up from the surgery.

  
  


Feeling was just the beginning of the road, though, and the months to come had proven to be harder than anything Jesse could have imagined.

  
  


Spinal compressions were such a tricky thing. Jesse was cautiously optimistic about his progress, but as much as he had tried to imagine how hard it would be to move his legs, he now understood what Dr Stern had cautioned him about. He felt like a baby, needing to relearn everything. At first, Matthew helped him with massage only, to wake up the muscles that had been dormant and lay atrophied for so long. Then, the stimulation began, starting with him just squeezing his muscles one by one, without Jesse moving his leg at all. The process was painfully slow and, as expected, left him exhausted. But it was worth it. Soon, he was moving his leg, still lying on the bed, not pushing against any resistance, but the first time he finally succeeded was a huge accomplishment for him. It took him a few more weeks before he could finally sit up and work against any real pressure, and a few more before he could stand up. 

  
  


Four months after the first session, though, his left leg hadn’t recovered all sensation. But Jesse didn’t care. He was finally standing up, about to take his first steps after two years without being able to walk. He was ready. He’d worked out a lot to strengthen his arms, so he could walk using the parallel bars with the best preparation possible. However, the first session was a disaster. 

  
  


“You’re doing great,” Matthew assured him, guiding Jesse who was trying to take another step as he used the bars to steady himself. “That’s enough for today.”

  
  


“I can do more,” Jesse insisted.

  
  


“Don’t overdo it. You’ve already done more than you should have,” Matthew declared sternly.

  
  


“No.” Jesse refused to stop.

  
  


“Jesse, stop now; you need to rest,” Matthew ordered.

  
  


“I’ll rest later,” Jesse countered as he tried to move his right foot forward.

  
  


“Listen to Matthew, Jesse,” Aaron echoed Matthew’s order. He had observed Jesse’s efforts for the past half-hour, and his partner was now sweating profusely, his muscles trembling.

  
  


Jesse didn’t listen. “One more,” he persisted as he placed his hand to grip the bar, only to suddenly lose his balance when his hand slipped. “Fuck!” he yelled as he fell forward .

  
  


“Jesse!” Aaron shouted, as Matthew tried, without success, to prevent his fall.

  
  


“Shit! Fuck! It hurts!” Jesse exclaimed, as tears welled up in his eyes because of the sudden pain he was feeling. Matthew and Aaron were instantly by his side, trying to assess the damage.

  
  


“Where does it hurt?” Matthew inquired.

  
  


“My ankle,” Jesse indicated, wincing when Matthew palpated it lightly.

  
  


“You sprained it. I don’t think there is any other damage, but to be sure, we need to have it checked out right now, ” Matthew announced. “Next time, you will listen to me. Why do you have to be so stubborn all the time? Seriously, Aaron, you need to put him on a leash,” he jokingly kidded his patient, frowning as he kept searching for more problems. 

  
  


“He wishes,” Jesse teased back, squeezing his eyes shut as another wave of pain overwhelmed him when he tried to move his foot. 

  
  


“I’ll be right back,” Matthew informed them as he stood up and went into an adjacent room.

  
  


Jesse breathed in and out slowly, trying to stop his body from shaking. Gazing up at Aaron, he rolled his eyes and said, “Don’t give me that look.”

  
  


“What look?” Aaron feigned not to understand Jesse’s statement, although his stare contradicted his seemingly innocent query.

  
  


“The ‘you’re an insufferable moron’ one. I screwed up. I get it,” Jesse admitted. Truthfully, he was annoyed with himself.

  
  


“You did,” Aaron confirmed dryly, but his eyes softened immediately. “How are you feeling?”

  
  


“Like a ten-year-old who made a huge mistake while Ma and Pa were staring right at him,” Jesse retorted. “Where did he go?” he asked, referring to Matthew. “I’d like to get my ass off the floor.”

  
  


“I’m coming, Mister  _ Grumpy _ ,” Matthew taunted, giving Jesse a pointed look.

  
  


“What are you doing?” Aaron asked, as Matthew began to wind some strapping around Jesse’s ankle. 

  
  


“It will contain the swelling until we get him to the hospital. Jesse needs to have an X-ray to make sure everything’s alright. Hopefully, then, we will be able to keep up with the schedule,” Matthew informed them as he focused on his task.

  
  


“We will?” Jesse echoed, surprised. He’d thought hurting his ankle would delay his therapy. 

  
  


“If your ankle is sprained, you will need to use a brace. But it should be okay, at least if you listen to me and stop being your charming, stubborn self.” Matthew looked at Jesse, and the man nodded his understanding. His physical therapist wanted the best for him, especially because he had come a long way since they’d met. Matthew had always supported him, even when Jesse had acted like a complete shithead. He owed him a lot. “Okay. Now…” Matthew went to retrieve the wheelchair from the corner of the room and rolled it over next to his patient. Positioning himself in front of Jesse, he helped him rise to his feet before encircling his chest with his arms and lifting him up to sit in the wheelchair. “You okay?”

  
  


“Yeah…” Jesse breathed out, as the pain began to subside now that he was sitting still.

  
  


“I’ll take him to the hospital,” Aaron stated.

  
  


“You do that. Tell them you’re part of the trial. I’ll give them a call, too,” Matthew advised him.

  
  


Jesse and Aaron bid their goodbyes to Matthew and left. Two hours later, the sprained ankle was confirmed, and fortunately there was no other damage. Jesse learned his lesson that day, and he never ignored Matthew’s orders again.

 

* * *

  
  


**_April 2008…_ **

 

Jesse ascended the stairs leading to his apartment one by one, ignoring the elevator, leaning on the cane to make it easier for him to lift his left foot. He’d just finished a conversation with his brother, Jacob. He and his wife would be travelling to Baltimore soon, since Jesse had never gone back to Pittsburgh, even if Aaron did visit his dad once a year. Arriving at his doorstep, he retrieved his key from the inner pocket of his jacket and slipped it into the lock. Turning it, he heard the mechanism click and pushed the door open.

  
  


He walked into the living room and immediately noticed his partner sitting at the table, papers spread out everywhere, as he scrutinized one in particular. Jesse put his keys on a hook in the entryway and called out to his lover, “Hey.”

  
  


Aaron didn’t respond at first, but he finally looked up, his face breaking into a weary smile.

  
  


“What are you doing?” Jesse asked as he walked over to his lover and grabbed the paper off the table. It was a bank statement.

  
  


“Give me that,” Aaron snatched it from his hand and lined it up on top of a stack.

  
  


Jesse stared at Aaron, noting that his lover seemed agitated even if he was obviously trying to play it cool. He let out a heavy sigh and asked, “How bad is it?”

  
  


Aaron’s eyes went wide as he stared back at Jesse. He shook his head. “Don’t worry, I’ve got this.”

  
  


Jesse’s brow furrowed as he leaned in to take another look at the papers. He grabbed an additional bank statement before Aaron could stop him, and lifted it away from him to prevent his partner from taking it back. “Jesus…” he breathed out, as he realized what Aaron had been hiding from him. “When were you planning on telling me that we’re broke?”

  
  


Aaron’s hands stilled. “I told you, I’ve got this.”

  
  


“How?” Jesse asked, dismayed. “How are you going to cover this, huh? You should have told me,” he retorted, frustrated that Aaron had once again wanted to protect him at all costs.

  
  


“I didn’t want you to worry about it. It was more important for you to concentrate on your recovery, ” Aaron explained, before adding weakly, “This is nothing, really.”

  
  


“Nothing? You call  _ this  _ nothing?” Jesse exclaimed. “I’m your partner, Aaron. I can help. I should provide for both of us, too.”

  
  


The truth was, Jesse’s disability had prevented him from going back to work. Between his depression and his therapy, he hadn’t had the strength to resume his career.  Still, now that he was finally walking again, even if his left leg hadn’t recovered fully and he had to use the wheelchair regularly when he was too exhausted or in pain, he wanted to get back into the journalism profession. Aaron had told him again and again that he should take his time, but Jesse knew that his partner was just afraid. Jesse’s recovery had been long and tortuous, and he was still more tired than he cared to admit. Yet, Aaron and Jesse’s savings had been spent entirely on the clinical trial, and they now had to consider all their options if they didn’t want to end up living out on the street.

  
  


“I’m calling Peter tomorrow,” Jesse announced. Peter Hardy was his former boss, and he hoped that the man would help him find a job. Peering down at Aaron, he added, “And don’t try to stop me. I know you want to protect me, but I’m fine, really. I can do this.”

  
  


Aaron sighed deeply. “Come here,” he asked, as he opened his arms for Jesse to sit on his lap. When he had Jesse safely enveloped in a hug, he confessed, “I don’t want you to go back to work because of financial considerations. I want you to go back to work on  _ your  _ terms, because you’re ready and have the energy to resume your career.”

  
  


“And that’s one reason why I love you so much,” Jesse whispered, before covering Aaron’s lips with his own. Aaron responded by caressing his back. Jesse broke the kiss off after several seconds to explain, “I’m sick of being taken care of. I want to be my own man. I know I will probably never be able to repay you for what you’ve given me, but I can at least start working again. We need the money. And truthfully, it’s time.”

  
  


Aaron stared up at Jesse, a silent battle reflected in his gaze. Jesse saw the exact moment when he caved in, as he closed his eyes briefly before conceding, “Okay, but on one condition. You don’t take on any assignments to some Godforsaken, primitive place where you can’t even communicate with anyone.”

  
  


“This is your chance to get rid of me, and you’re not even gonna take it?” Jesse quipped, once again amazed to have this wonderful man in his life.

  
  


“Not even in your dreams,” Aaron teased back.

  
  


“Good to know,” Jesse drawled, as he leaned in to capture Aaron’s lips once more.

 

* * *

  
**_July 2008…_ **

  
  


Jesse’s plan didn’t work out. Having suffered from a serious injury and not being able to keep up with his career meant that his former boss didn’t trust that he could do the job. To say that Jesse was crushed when Peter had declined his request to resume his position would be a huge understatement, but he didn’t have the luxury of moping over it.

  
  


He tried all he could to find a job in his field of expertise, but apparently having extensive, international experience still wasn’t enough for him to land a job. Aaron was spending a lot of time trying to ease their financial burden, having agreed for the first time since the attack to travel and visit the companies he had done web design work for in the past; consequently, Jesse was frequently alone, and it made it more difficult for him to stay optimistic.

  
  


Thus, he was not feeling his best when he went for his monthly checkup with Dr. Stern; little did he know, however, that this particular encounter was going to be a life-altering one.

 

“Jesse,” Dr Stern greeted him, offering him a seat with a wave before heading to sit behind his desk. “How are you feeling?”

  
  


“I’m okay,” Jesse answered wearily as he placed his cane carefully next to him.

  
  


“Any problems with your left leg?” Dr Stern questioned as he misinterpreted Jesse’s tiredness. 

  
  


“No. No, my leg is fine,” Jesse hastily reassured him. 

  
  


“Good. I’d hate for one of my patients to suffer a setback,” Dr Stern commented dryly, earning a laugh from Jesse. The man was so fucking serious all the time. “How is the pain?” he finally inquired.

  
  


Jesse suffered from occasional, severe bouts of pain in his left leg. He had to use his wheelchair whenever it struck too deeply, the pills just keeping the pain at bay and barely allowing him to function. Fortunately, he now could prevent most of those crises, knowing they occurred when he overdid it. “I manage,” he responded.

  
  


“Good.” Dr. Stern nodded before standing up, indicating for Jesse to follow him.

  
  


The checkup proceeded uneventfully. Jesse had now recovered about seventy-five percent of his mobility, which was a great result. Jesse knew Dr. Stern saw him as his finest achievement so far, the man even having published an article about him in a prestigious medical magazine while safeguarding Jesse’s anonymity. Although it was unlikely that his abilities would improve much more, Jesse didn't care. He’d never expected to walk again in the first place. 

  
  


Jesse was about to leave when Dr. Stern surprisingly asked, “Have you had any responses to your resume yet?”

  
  


“No,” Jesse responded. “I’m still looking for a job. After the trial and with my therapy, well, let’s just say that you guys aren’t exactly cheap,” he teased him, more to see if he could make the man crack a smile than for any other reason.

  
  


No luck. “We’re the best. I’m the best,” Dr. Stern replied smugly with a shrug. 

  
  


Jesse barked out a laugh at the man’s reply. “Always so modest, Doctor; but, hey, don’t change anything. I like your style,” he added in a jesting tone.

  
  


Dr. Stern peered at him, obviously not certain whether he should be pleased or offended by Jesse’s reply, so he chose to ignore it as he advised him, “We’ve opened a house for our youngest patients - teenagers who are dealing with spinal injuries. I need a counselor.”

  
  


“Excuse me?” Jesse said, astounded. Surely he wasn’t suggesting what he thought he was suggesting? 

  
  


“A counselor. A person who could talk to the kids and help them cope with their new reality.”

  
  


“Thank you for your definition, Doctor, but I know what a counselor is. I’m glad that all those years of studying paid off for you, though,” Jesse replied, rolling his lips under to prevent a grin from appearing on his face.

  
  


Dr. Stern raised his eyebrows. “I studied hard,” was all he said, making Jesse chuckle. The man was hilarious even if he didn’t mean to be. After a slight pause, however, he resumed, “Considering your history, Jesse, I thought you might be interested in the job.  Some of them don’t really need a lot of help, but as you know, there are always ‘black sheep’ in any group.” Of course, he didn’t need to clarify that, in his eyes, Jesse had been one of those. That’s probably why he thought his most successful case could be an asset as a counselor, now that Jesse had overcome his depression.

  
  


“I…” Jesse wasn’t sure it was a good idea or, more specifically, that he would be able to actually help the kids. However, he needed the money. “What would the salary be?”

  
  


“The pay is better than at most facilities. You won’t get rich anytime soon...but it’s decent,” Dr. Stern stated, before proposing, “I’m expected there in about one hour. Why don’t you go with me? I’ll drive. I have a Mercedes,” he stated, as if driving in a first-class car was the incentive Jesse needed to agree to go with him.

  
  


“I may be gay, but I’m not  _ that  _ shallow, am I?” Jesse couldn’t help it. Teasing this man was so much fun. 

  
  


“I find your sense of humor quite...special, Mr. Ramsay,” Dr. Stern answered, using Jesse’s last name to emphasize his point, but his lips turned upward.

  
  


Jesse inwardly congratulated himself on his accomplishment. “I’ll wait for you in the lobby,” he announced, agreeing to Dr. Stern’s proposal to visit the facility. He stood up and extended his hand. “It’s always a pleasure, Dr.  _ Stern _ ,” he drawled in a tone identical to the one the doctor had used for his previous statement.

  
  


“Just get out of my office,” Dr Stern replied with a laugh.

 

* * *

 

**_November 2011, New York City…_ **

  
  


“For Chrissake, Kristine, just stop spinning around me like that!” Jesse exclaimed as his protégé kept rolling her wheelchair around him.

  
  


“I’m nervous. It helps me stay focused,” Kristine replied, understandably on edge, but she eventually stopped. “How’s the leg?” she asked with a nod.

  
  


“It’ll be fine,” Jesse reassured her. He was using the wheelchair after having spent the day helping to hang up Kristine’s photographs for an upcoming exhibition. His leg ached as a result, but it was nothing that he couldn’t manage, and guests were expected to arrive at any time.

  
  


Jesse had been a counselor for three years now. Kristine was the first kid he had ever helped. When he had met her, she’d just been injured a few months earlier, and hadn’t uttered a single word since the car accident; one that had left her paralyzed with no hope of ever walking again. Her mother had died on the scene, and the once happy teenager had shut down completely.

  
  


It had taken Jesse months to get her to come out of her shell. The doctors had diagnosed her with PTSD and depression, surmising that she had been traumatized by the accident, when her mother’s car had been hit by another vehicle, killing the woman upon impact, while Kristine had stayed conscious in the passenger seat. They’d been right. She had seen it all.  

  
  


The fact that the seventeen-year-old girl had had to deal with a similar trauma as his former best friend was not lost on Jesse, although Kristine was a completely different person. At first, he hadn’t known how to bond with her, but he had soon discovered that she liked to take pictures. Anytime, anywhere, she’d just pull out her camera and breathe life into her photos. Jesse had been astounded by her talent, and he had used her passion to help her. He’d spent days by her side, journeying with her every weekend to special locations and also to more ordinary ones, so that she could capture flashes of life on film. Her father, Paul, had agreed to let Jesse try that method, at a loss as to how to cope with his only daughter. Until one day, she had said her first word.

  
  


‘Butterfly.’ She loved butterflies, and as a yellow one with little specks of brown and black had come to rest on Jesse’s hand while they’d enjoyed a sunrise in the countryside with her father, she’d finally uttered the first word of many more to come.

  
  


Jesse had helped many kids in his three years at the center, but he shared a special bond with Kristine. Moreover, she had a real talent, and Jesse had used his few remaining connections in journalism to help her get an exhibition. The fact that a small gallery in New York City had responded to his request was completely unexpected, though. Now, here they were, about to experience a real opening, and Kristine was nervous as hell. That’s why Jesse had agreed to take the trip with her and her dad.

  
  


The opening went very well. Kristine finally relaxed, and Jesse was feeling really proud. He hadn’t expected his job as a counselor to be so fulfilling, but in retrospect he wouldn’t go back to his previous career. 

  
  


He never would have expected to see Justin Taylor entering the gallery, either. When he saw his long-lost friend rush in to escape the rain which had started pouring down outside, he couldn’t believe his eyes. His heart started hammering in his chest. His friend hadn’t changed much, except for the confidence emanating from him.

  
  


Justin didn’t notice him immediately, so Jesse waited. For what, he didn’t really know, but he took his time observing the blond, gathering the courage to go and talk to him. He saw Justin head over to congratulate Kristine, who was sitting with her father, happy to see so many people admiring her photographs. Shaking his head at how silly he was acting, Jesse finally rolled over to them.

  
  


“Justin?” he called awkwardly, but when Justin’s eyes suddenly went wide as his gaze landed on him, Jesse couldn’t help but smile broadly.

  
  


“Jesse?” Justin pronounced his name in wonder. “Fuck me!” he said eloquently, as he, too, broke into a huge smile. He leaned forward with the obvious intention of hugging his friend, but Jesse surprised him when he stood up from his chair.

  
  


“What…?” Justin stared at him, amazed. “Oh, my God, Jesse!” he exclaimed, as he pulled his friend into his arms. 

  
  


They hugged for a long time.

  
  


Justin finally released Jesse. “How? I mean…fuck! I can’t believe you’re here! And… standing?”

  
  


“Yeah. Long story. But yes, I have my legs back,” Jesse confirmed bashfully. “And look at you! You’re all grown up!” he quipped, before wincing at the pain in his leg. 

  
  


“You okay?” Justin immediately asked, worry dripping from his voice.

  
  


“Yeah. No big deal. I just need to sit for a while,” Jesse reassured him as he sat back down.

  
  


“I told him he was going to end up in his wheelchair tonight, but he wouldn’t listen and kept carrying on about hanging the photographs on the wall. As if there weren’t any employees here who could have done that,” Kristine chided him as she glared at her counselor. She was angry that he had been relegated to his wheelchair because he’d overdone it.

  
  


“Don’t sweat about it, Kris. I’ll be fine soon. You, on the other hand, should go and get some rest. The owner is going to be closing soon anyway,” Jesse countered.

  
  


“He’s right, darling. We should go,” Paul concurred.

  
  


“What about you?” Kristine inquired, addressing Jesse while looking back and forth between him and Justin.

  
  


Jesse gave Justin a questioning stare, and the blond immediately proposed in a hopeful tone, “We could go for a drink?” before adding with a frown, “I mean, if you’re okay. We can postpone if you don’t feel up to it.”

  
  


“I’m fine, and I could use a drink after having dealt with her all day.” Jesse quipped with a smirk, indicating Kristine with a slight nod of his head.

  
  


“Hey! I’m right here!” Kristine retorted, as she chewed some peanuts, throwing one at Jesse.

  
  


“Oh, believe me, I think we’d have noticed if you weren’t,” Jesse joked, evading the peanut. “Okay, we’re going,” he announced before turning to Kristine and her father. “Kristine…” he approached her and took her hands in his. “Congratulations. You’ve made it.” 

  
  


She didn’t respond with words, but her glistening eyes said it all. Jesse leaned in to engulf her in a tight hug, whispering in her ear, so that she was the only one to hear what he had to say. “I’m so fucking proud of you.” 

  
  


She hugged him tighter in response.

  
  


Leaning back, Jesse playfully ordered, “Behave for a change.” He softened his words by caressing her hair briefly. Turning to her father who was looking at his daughter adoringly, he asked, “Paul, will I see you both tomorrow morning?”

  
  


“Of course. Breakfast at eight?” Paul suggested, while positioning himself behind Kristine’s wheelchair. They were all staying at a hotel situated a block away from the gallery.

  
  


Jesse agreed before following Justin. They ended up spending a good part of the night together, first in a cozy pub not too far from the gallery, and then back at Jesse’s hotel. They had so much to catch up on, and hours flew by without either of them noticing.

  
  


Jesse talked to Justin about his depression, the trial, his job as a counselor, and of course, Aaron. It felt good sharing this with the blond, and Jesse realized how much he’d missed him. In fact, he missed his old life and his old friends desperately at times like these. Seeing Justin reminded him yet again of what - and whom - he’d lost.

  
  


Jesse had talked to Michael on the phone a couple of times after he had moved to Baltimore in March of 2006, and Michael had informed him that Justin had moved away from Pittsburgh in the summer. However, Jesse’s depression had been way too deep back then for him to make any effort to keep in touch with any of his friends, so he’d severed all contact in the fall of 2006 and hadn’t heard from anyone since then. He regretted it now, making him even more thankful for this random encounter with Justin.

  
  


Justin talked to him about his life in Chicago. He’d just transferred to New York City a couple of months ago, and was still adjusting to the never-ending bustle of the city. He seemed to be doing fine and happy with his life. They avoided traveling down Memory Lane, though, neither of them brave enough to bring up that period of their lives, particularly sidestepping the topic of Brian.

  
  


Before Justin left, they promised each other they would keep in touch, even though with Jesse living in Baltimore and Justin in New York, it was unlikely they would be able to see each other anytime soon. Jesse kept his promise, however, having learned his lesson that friendship was a precious commodity, not to be wasted or taken for granted. He’d forgotten that for a while, and he never wanted that to happen, ever again.  
  


* * *

 

**_2013 - 2014..._ **

  
  


Everything changed when Alice entered Aaron and Jesse’s life.

  
  


When Jesse met Alice for the first time in February 2013, she was just about to turn twelve. She was sullen and withdrawn, snarling at anyone who tried to help her. Considering her history, he wasn’t surprised. The way she acted reminded him of himself when he’d given up on life and shut out his friends, doing his best to drive Aaron away. Alice, though, had far more cause to be angry at everyone and everything than he had.

  
  


Alice had been ten years old when her house was engulfed in flames, and her parents hadn’t been able to escape the encroaching fire. Her father had been able to lower Alice out of a second-story window, forced to drop her onto the ground, since there was no way for him to climb out with her. Alice had landed awkwardly, with her back against a tree root, and had been unable to move her legs. As she’d looked on, helpless, the house had gone up with a giant ‘whoosh,’ taking away her parents. Neither surgery nor six months of therapy had restored the mobility to her lower body. So, Alice had not only lost her parents, but also the use of her legs, and had become a ward of the state.

  
  


Alice had been assigned to Tessa, a child welfare caseworker, who tried her best to help the young girl with her transition to an orphanage. However, the welfare worker had an overwhelmingly large case load, and couldn’t spend as much time with Alice as she would have liked. To the bewildered, lonely, paralyzed girl, it seemed like each person she got to know - doctors, therapists, caseworkers - abandoned her, leaving her more alone than before. In response, she became even more sullen, speaking less and less and refusing to join the other children in any activities, even ones she could have handled physically. Her appetite declined, and she became alarmingly thin.

  
  


It was at that point that Tessa heard through a colleague about a house that provided all healthcare services as well as counseling for teenagers with severe spinal injuries. Tessa’s requests that Alice be considered for the program went unanswered for some time, until she encountered Jesse at the house. She showed him Alice’s picture, relayed her story, and asked for his help.

  
  


Jesse asked Tessa if he could keep the photo and found himself pulling it out and looking at it off and on all day. Over dinner that night, he confided in Aaron and showed his partner the young girl’s picture, which had been taken before her parents had died. Aaron stared at the photo in his hands as he listened to Jesse relate Alice’s story. When Jesse stopped talking, Aaron gazed up at him with a determined expression on his face. “Help her,” he demanded. “Harass Stern if you have to, but don’t give up on her.”

  
  


Aaron’s encouragement was all Jesse needed. “You’re right. I should talk to Stern to see if there’s any way Alice can be accepted into our program. I know finances will probably be an issue, but there has to be some way to make it feasible. Now, if only I could bribe him or something,” he quipped. Dr. Stern was the most aggravating individual he had ever met, even if he was a genius.

  
  


“You’re an amazing counselor, Jesse,” Aaron praised him, “and you can draw on your experience with Kristine, whom you have made such a difference in her life. Plus, you and Dr. Stern make a great team. Between your stubbornness and his insistence on being known as the most successful surgeon in the country, even if he is a bastard, I’m sure you will figure something out.” 

  
  


“I’m kind of insulted that you would put us both in the same team. But, okay, we’re the best, I can live with that,” Jesse replied playfully, before staring down at Alice’s photo.

 

* * *

 

Jesse went to see Dr. Stern the next day. He’d thought that he would have to fight the man to make him consider taking in Alice free of charge, but he was surprised when the man didn’t dismiss his request.

  
  


“We have funding set aside to help candidates with no financial support,” the doctor asserted. “What those numbskulls on the board of directors were thinking when they came up with the concept of free therapy, I have no idea. Although, now because of it, you can do a happy dance right now. They’ll immediately agree to cover all the fees associated with Alice living at the house and receiving therapy for the next six months.” 

  
  


Yes, Dr. Stern had always had a really weird sense of humor. “Have you looked over her medical records?” Jesse asked him.

  
  


“Yes. And you’re going to demonstrate a jig right now,” Dr. Stern quipped. “She is a perfect candidate for the trial.”

  
  


Jesse couldn’t have been happier with the news. He called Tessa that day, and Alice moved into the patients’ house a week later. Alice refused, however, to enter the trial. In fact, she rebuffed Jesse’s attempts to talk with her, and after three weeks had passed, Jesse was at a loss as to what to do.

  
  


“I don’t know what else to try!” Jesse proclaimed in frustration as he paced to and fro in his and Aaron’s living room one night. “Alice won’t even say ‘hello’ to me, and she’s no better with the other staff. The sooner she enters the trial, the better for her recovery.” He turned pleading eyes on Aaron as he asked, “How did you stand it when I wouldn’t respond to you?”

  
  


“Jesse, you’ve never tried to help anyone as deeply depressed as you were. And you’re an adult. Who knows what’s going on in her head right now?” Aaron paused before suggesting, “Would you mind if I try? You and Alice may just be too alike. Perhaps she’ll listen to me.” Aaron volunteered at the house on weekends once in awhile. Truthfully, since Jesse’s injury and then his re-education to become a counselor, Aaron had frequently been involved in his partner’s new profession.

  
  


“I’m willing to try anything,” Jesse responded, slumping down next to Aaron on the sofa in exhaustion. “You were so endlessly patient with me. Maybe she will sense that and listen to you.” Jesse tilted his head to look up at his partner. “Would you be able to stop by tomorrow morning?”

  
  


“I can do that,” Aaron agreed before kissing Jesse gently. “Stop fretting. We’ll figure it out,” he asserted confidently. 

  
  


Aaron met Alice the next morning. He stayed with her all day, just sitting by her side, without uttering a word except a quick, “Hello, Alice. I’m Aaron and I’m here to be your friend and help you any way I can.” He did the same the following weekend. Why didn’t he speak to Alice? He couldn’t explain. But when Jesse asked him how he’d succeeded in getting Alice to agree to enter the trial within a couple of weeks, he simply responded, “I just let her come to me.”

  
  


Aaron had fallen in love with Alice from Day One. He and Jesse supported her through the trial and the months of therapy. They became her foster parents after the end of her six months at the patients’ house. 

  
  


It wasn’t easy. Alice resisted their attempts to take care of her and they had to fight with her. But most of all, they loved her. Aaron’s bond with Alice grew stronger. In the end, Jesse had no doubt that he, too, held a special place in her heart, but Aaron? He was the one Alice went to when she had a nightmare. He was the one who had breathed life back into her, the one who gave her the resolve to walk again.

  
  


Alice would probably never call them ‘Dad’ or ‘Papa,’ but it didn’t matter. Jesse and Aaron loved her as their own, even if Alice had yet to open up to them about her feelings. Kristine helped out, too, whenever she was in town. At twenty-three, she was now living in Manhattan, but she visited them regularly, and Alice had taken an instant liking to Kristine. Jesse couldn’t have been happier about that.

  
  


When Aaron made it known that he wanted to adopt Alice, Jesse wasn’t surprised. Aaron was forty-four years old and not getting any younger. It was his chance to welcome a child into their home, and, by that point Jesse couldn’t bear the idea of Alice ever being taken away from them. 

  
  


Alice officially became their daughter in July of 2014. Kristine was there to help them celebrate. When Alice told them both for the first time that she loved them, Aaron and Jesse cried like babies, while Kristine - and then Alice - teased them playfully for being so ‘gay.’

  
  


And now, whenever Jesse watched his partner staring at their daughter with that look of adoration in his eyes, his heart filled with a bliss so strong he sometimes had trouble breathing. Life could truly be a bitch, but it also could be fucking amazing.

  
  


**_End of Flashback_ **

 

* * *

  
  


Sitting in the bay window of their apartment, Jesse refocused on the present,  listening to his partner talking to their daughter in the adjacent room. Just the tone of Aaron’s voice made him smile. Peering through the window again, he snorted when he heard Aaron tell a giggling Alice for the hundredth time that day that he wanted her to stop painting her nails neon green. The older man was completely in love with their teenage girl.

  
  


Standing up with his cane, he walked to the doorway of Alice’s room and leaned against it. He stared at his partner’s back and smiled again. Aaron was hugging Alice, whispering in her ear. When the older man leaned back and they both turned around, they discovered Jesse watching them. 

  
  


“Someone’s getting impatient for us to give him some love, too,” Aaron teased as he peered over at Jesse, his face beaming. 

  
  


Jesse was having a hard time reconciling this man with the once club stud who hadn’t cared about anyone’s feelings, but he wasn’t complaining. So much had happened since they’d met thirteen years earlier, especially since they’d fucked in Babylon’s backroom that first time, while Brian and Michael had proceeded to get completely high on the dance floor.

  
  


“I want to go back,” Jesse unexpectedly blurted out, startling himself by speaking the words out loud. 

  
  


“You sure?” Aaron asked. Truthfully, he wasn’t that surprised. Since Jesse had talked to Justin on the phone, asking about Brian, he had expected his partner to take the time to process what he wanted and to come to this conclusion. Aaron had been aware a lot sooner than Jesse that the day would come when he’d want to visit his adoptive hometown, and, more importantly, to reconnect with Brian, Michael, and all his long-lost friends. He just hadn’t been ready until today. 

  
  


Jesse thought about it for a minute, before nodding, “I want to go back. Now.”

  
  


“Okay,” Aaron agreed as he walked over to Jesse and kissed his cheek. “You hear that, sweetheart? We’re going to Pittsburgh!” he exclaimed, addressing his daughter and not leaving Jesse any choice. He wouldn’t be going alone.

  
  


“Okay,” Jesse echoed, his heartbeat drumming inside his chest. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


The next day, they both made arrangements to take a week off work. On Monday, they were on a plane back to Pittsburgh for the first time since March 2006, more than eight years ago.

  
  


Jesse felt like he was going home. 

 

* * *

  
  


**_Pittsburgh, Kinnetik, Tuesday..._ **

  
  


Brian had barely slept the night before. After dinner at Debbie’s, he’d dropped Jack back at the Institute and Justin at his apartment, and had gone home alone, exhausted by everything that had happened. Justin had been worried all evening after Jesse’s unexpected phone call, but Brian had reassured him that he was fine. And he was. Mostly. He just needed some time alone to sort out his feelings. He also knew spending the night with Justin would have led to sex and, since sex with Justin was the most addictive drug for Brian, he wouldn’t have been able to resist. Unfortunately, he still needed sleep to function.

  
  


However, Brian’s mind had kept him awake most of the night. His thoughts had kept drifting back to Jesse. He had realized that, as much as he wanted to be unaffected by the announcement of Jesse’s return, he was anything but. As a result, he’d texted his lover, and they had exchanged messages until three a.m. So much for having a good night’s sleep. Brian, of all people, should have known it was a stupid idea.

  
  


As he was sitting at his desk the next day, absently eating his turkey sandwich, he tried to focus on the paperwork in front of him, failing completely at doing so. He was mightily annoyed when his intercom buzzed, indicating that Cynthia wanted to speak to him. Checking the time - 1:00 p.m. - he pressed the speaker dial button and grunted, “No.”

  
  


“Someone’s here to see you.” Cynthia ignored her boss’s grumpy mood.

  
  


“You do know the difference between ‘yes’ and ‘no’, right?” Brian growled. He didn’t have any appointments scheduled that afternoon, and unless one of his clients was calling him with a major crisis, he didn’t want to speak to anyone during what was supposed to be his lunch break. 

  
  


“I told him you were unavailable, but he insists,” Cynthia informed her boss, not responding to the barb. 

  
  


“Tell whoever it is to fuck off,” Brian suggested half-seriously. What was wrong with people these days, anyway? Hadn’t they heard about the marvelous concept of making an appointment?

  
  


“Brian…” Cynthia called to him, and Brian sensed the hesitation in her voice. He suddenly felt his heartbeat accelerating as she announced, “This guy says his name is Jesse. Jesse Ramsay.”

  
  


A long silence greeted her announcement, with Brian frozen in place, his finger paralyzed on top of the intercom.

  
  


“Brian?” Cynthia’s voice reverberated through his office after endless seconds without a sound from him.

  
  


Brian finally snapped out of his stupor, turning the speaker back on. He took a deep breath, before instructing quietly, “Let him in.” 

  
  


He stood up from his desk, his heart hammering furiously. When he looked up a few seconds later, Jesse was  _ standing _ in the doorway, leaning on a cane.

  
  


“Brian...it’s been a long time.” 

  
  


Brian just kept staring at his former friend, his mind trying to process what he was seeing, while his chest inevitably clenched, so much it hurt.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	32. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: June / July 2006  
> Warning: MAJOR angst  
> My eternal gratitude to Karynn and Kim. Your help is invaluable to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would appreciate to have your thoughts on this, as I don’t really like this one, but it’s probably because of... well, I will let you read and judge for yourself ;)

 

**_July 2006…_ **

  
  


Brian tried. He really did.

  
  


After confronting Justin at Emmett and Michael’s place, he threw himself into his work. Spending hours focusing on campaigns helped him forget about his shitty life for a little while. He didn’t want to think about it at all. Although, at night, when he went home alone, when the sheets were so cold under his touch, he’d inevitably feel his heart constricting in his chest. He hated it. He hated the world, but even more, he couldn’t bear the man he’d become. He felt stuck, trapped in a vicious cycle from which he had no idea how to escape. He just had to suck it up and keep going, one day at a time.

  
  


Justin didn’t come home for almost three weeks. Brian waited for him, as he’d promised. He stopped going out, except for the occasional drink and fuck at Woody’s. He avoided Babylon. He knew it wouldn’t last, but truthfully, the exhaustion he’d felt for the last few months was catching up with him. He felt drained, empty.

  
  


When Justin finally came home from his job interview in Chicago, things didn’t improve much. Learning that Justin could eventually move to another city felt like a punch to his gut, no matter how hypocritical it sounded. Brian was proud of Justin, but he also felt cheated, even if he had no right to be. This was Justin’s future and, considering Brian had done all he could to push him away, he didn’t have any say in this. If Justin wanted to leave to pursue his career, who was he to stop him? He was the guy who had fucked him for the last three years, nothing more.

  
  


Fuck, this was such bullshit. His life was a gigantic tangle of insufferable bullshit. Of course Justin wasn’t just a fuck. He was his life, and he hated himself for feeling that way. It only meant that he was even more of a prick than he cared to admit. Who in his right mind didn’t acknowledge a three-year relationship with a man like Justin? Justin deserved everything, and all Brian was capable of giving him was a big nothing. He could only hurt him because he was unable to deal with his own shit. 

  
  


But he kept trying. Even if Justin’s return was almost as painful as Justin’s absence, because Brian could feel that something was broken between them, he couldn’t let go. How fucked up was that? He could just push him a little more, and he was sure Justin would be on his way to Chicago as soon as he heard that he’d gotten the job. Brian had no doubt that he would nail it. If not, those morons didn’t deserve to have Justin in their firm. Justin was the best -  Brian should know.

  
  


Yes, Brian should let Justin go. But fuck if it wasn’t the hardest thing he’d had to do in his life. And every day, he prayed that Chicago wouldn’t call. Just one more day.

  
  


_ Just one more day _ . Fuck, he was pathetic.

  
  


Justin graduated with honors. Of course. Brian celebrated with him and the gang, and for a while it was good. He smiled, peering at Justin laughing with their friends while he swayed on the dance floor, and he pretended for an instant that they were okay, that nothing had changed. Brian joined him and took him in his arms as he lost himself to the thumpa thumpa of Babylon. 

  
  


Brian knew this sweet reprieve wasn’t meant to last, however. Life had always had a way of fucking him over, like a waterfall dragging him under to its dark and lonely depths. But, for once, he never would have guessed that his last mistake would forever change the course of his life. 

 

* * *

 

At the beginning of July, Brian was just finishing a meeting with his staff when Cynthia announced that Lindsay was there to see him. He looked at his assistant like a deer caught in the headlights as he tried to find an excuse to refuse his friend’s visit, but came up with nothing. He was perfectly aware he was behaving like a first-class asshole - again - by not returning Lindsay’s calls, but he was worried what might come out of his mouth when confronting her for the first time since they’d fucked. It seemed like all the people who mattered to him were slowly but surely giving up on him; thus, while avoidance was not the best course of action, it was the only answer Brian had for handling Lindsay. The truth was, Brian had no clue how to deal with Justin’s feelings about his best female friend without shutting her out. But he didn’t want to shut her out. She’d done nothing wrong. He was the one who had fucked her, even if she’d been a willing, albeit completely wasted, participant.

  
  


Seriously, the name ‘Brian Kinney’ should be taught as the perfect definition of the expression ‘what a fucking, shitty mess.’

  
  


“Lindsay…” He greeted her impatiently as he walked into the lobby of the agency. She was sitting in a chair, and as she looked up at him he immediately noticed the dark circles under her eyes. “Follow me,” he demanded, not waiting for her to stand up before he headed towards his office.

  
  


Lindsay closed his office door behind her after she entered. Brian went to sit behind his desk, gesturing for her to take a seat. She hesitated briefly but finally sat down. 

  
  


“You look like shit,” Brian stated with a fake smile, leaning back in his chair, one of his feet propped on the edge of his desk.

  
  


“I feel like shit,” she immediately countered, making Brian frown. “I need to tell you something.”

  
  


“Oh?” Brian feigned disinterest as he straightened up and started tapping on his keyboard. “I’m busy, so please make it quick.” He knew he was being a prick, but now that she was here, this conversation couldn’t be over fast enough to suit him. 

  
  


“Brian…” she started out quietly, the quiver he heard in her voice making him look up from his screen. Sighing, he stopped typing and gave her a little nod, indicating that he was listening. Taking a deep breath, she eventually disclosed, “The condom broke.”

  
  


Brian had imagined Lindsay giving him a sermon about his silence and avoidance. He’d waited for her to yell at him, and remind him what a shit he was for being such a coward. But he’d never -  _ ever _ \- thought about something like this. He felt his blood run cold. The condom broke? That wasn’t possible. He was always so careful with the brand he used. Surely it was a mistake, right? Wait...did that mean he had infected her with something? He’d last had a complete check-up three weeks ago, and he was fine, but was she? “Are you okay?” He suddenly felt himself panicking. “You’re not sick, are you?” He wouldn’t forgive himself if he’d given her something.

  
  


“Not…really,” Lindsay stammered, looking straight at him. She finally dropped the bomb. “I’m pregnant.” Brian froze, looking at her as if she had grown two heads. He felt his body filling with unwanted energy, everything but the words she’d said fading around him. When he didn’t respond, she repeated, “I’m pregnant with your child.”

  
  


Brian shook his head in denial. “It’s impossible,” he breathed out as he stood up from his chair and started to pace. Lindsay’s eyes followed him, her shoulders tensing.

  
  


“Brian…” She finally stood, too, although she didn’t move.

  
  


“No.” Brian turned to glare at her and ordered, “You’re going to get an abortion.” This was the only solution he could think of. He desperately needed to figure a way out of this mess.

  
  


“What? No!” She looked at him in horror. “No, Brian! I’m not! You can’t make me!”

  
  


“I  _ can’t _ be a father!” Brian shouted back, not caring one bit that the whole company could hear him losing his temper. “I swear to God, Linds, you don’t want to have a child with me. You can’t do this to me!”

  
  


“Brian…” She walked closer to him, but he was still so agitated that she had to grip his arms to stop him from moving away. “Brian!” she raised her voice to capture his attention.

  
  


He stared at her as if he didn’t know her, a crazed look in his eyes.

  
  


“I want to keep the baby. And I want you to agree with my choice. Please...” Lindsay pleaded, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m scared to death, and Mel is so pissed off, I’m not even sure she will forgive me. I’m alone and I’m drowning, but I can’t get rid of this child. Please, just please, don’t make me do it…”

  
  


Brian stared back at her, at the hope he could see in her eyes that he would cave in. But she must know. She had to know he couldn’t agree. The mere idea of having a child terrified him, and he’d always promised himself that he would never accede to having one, no matter the circumstances. Surely she could see that he was not equipped to be a father? And if she couldn’t, then it meant that she shouldn’t be a mother. Who in her right mind would want Brian Kinney as the father of their child?

  
  


“No.” The word resonated in the air, cutting into Lindsay like a sharp knife slicing her skin. Brian saw the pain lancing through her entire being at his refusal. He hated himself for that. He loved her and had never meant to hurt her. But then, hurting those who mattered the most to him was his specialty. “I won’t be a father,  _ ever _ .”

  
  


Lindsay looked so hurt that Brian had to tear his gaze away. He went back to his desk and pressed the intercom button. “Cynthia? I want you to call the best clinic for an abortion and make an appointment for Lindsay Peterson.”

  
  


Cynthia’s quizzical voice responded, “What did you just say?” 

  
  


Brian faced Lindsay, not responding immediately. “You heard me. Just do what you’re getting paid for,” he finally replied curtly, before ending the communication. Lindsay peered over at him with a look so full of pain that Brian inwardly winced at the expression on her face. Jesus, he hated himself so fucking much for what he was doing. He affixed Lindsay with an intense stare as he brusquely advised her, “I will call you later with the details.”

  
  


“I hate you so much right now,” Lindsay uttered in a shaky voice.

  
  


“I know,” Brian’s chest tightened as he put an arm around her. She didn’t resist as he whispered gently, “But I promise you, you will thank me eventually.”

  
  


She gazed up at him with so many emotions filling her eyes. “You’re wrong,” she breathed out before breaking their light embrace and walking out of his office.  
  


 

* * *

 

Brian called Lindsay later that day, leaving a message on her voicemail to inform her that she was scheduled for an abortion exactly a week later, and that he would be there. He spent the night alone, sitting at a bar and trying to keep himself under control. He didn’t fuck random guys; he just drank like a fish all night. And the night after that. And the next one.

  
  


He couldn’t face Justin. If he saw him, Justin would immediately realize that something was wrong. He would pry until Brian had no other choice but to tell him the truth, and the brunet couldn’t bear the idea that, once again, his boyfriend would be disgusted with him. In his fucked-up mind, he was sparing Justin from dealing with a mistake that he had to take care of on his own. An inner voice was laughing at him for even thinking that it was a good idea to keep his boyfriend in the dark when they were in such a bad place to begin with, but Brian spent so much time worrying about the consequences of this revelation that he purposely didn’t acknowledge that avoiding Justin could cause even more damage.

  
  


Brian wanted the abortion to be over and done with quickly, for him and Lindsay to forget it had ever happened, and for both of them to move on. Justin didn’t have to know the truth.

  
  


However, Brian had forgotten to consider that Lindsay was absolutely not okay with his decision. A few days after confronting him, it drove her to the one person she thought could make her baby’s father change his mind.

 

* * *

  
  


Justin’s feelings were all over the place after Lindsay’s unexpected visit to their apartment. He tried to call Brian, but the call went straight to voicemail. He paced for an hour before deciding that he’d had enough and grabbed his jacket.

  
  


When he realized that he was standing in front of Lindsay’s door, he paused. What the fuck was he doing here? More importantly, why was he here in the first place? He could have confronted Brian at his office, instead of going after Lindsay. But no. Here he was, about to knock on her door and demand answers.

  
  


Of course that was why he was here. Living with Brian had taught him one thing. If Brian didn’t want to talk about his feelings, he wouldn’t. He preferred to ignore the elephant in the room, and to  _ pretend _ . And right now, Justin couldn’t deal with that. He needed more, and he knew Lindsay would tell him the truth because she owed him. She’d slept with his boyfriend for Chrissake. The least she could do was answer his fucking questions.

  
  


He raised his hand and knocked on the door. Loud and hard.

  
  


“Justin?” Lindsay’s eyes widened when she saw him standing at her door. Taking a step back, she opened the door, a surprised expression on her face, before inviting him to come in. 

  
  


Justin followed her, noticing she seemed almost pleased that he had come. His brow furrowed at the thought, but he didn’t comment.

  
  


“You want something to drink?” Lindsay asked, obviously trying to break the tension filling the room.

  
  


“Lindsay…” Justin responded sternly.

  
  


She sighed and went to sit on her couch, burying her face in her hands for a few moments. Straightening up, she looked at Justin and declared in a defeated tone, “You must hate me.”

  
  


Justin just stared at her. Did he hate her? Really? Truthfully, he had refused to take the time to analyze how he felt about her. Sure, he felt cheated, and he was so fucking angry at her for letting Brian go so far as to fuck her. But hate?

  
  


“I don’t hate you,” he finally replied, “Although I’d be lying if I said I’ve forgiven you for what you did. Because I can’t. I’m so fucking pissed at you.”

  
  


“Fair enough,” Lindsay nodded. “For all it’s worth, I swear I never wanted any of this to happen. It just…”

  
  


Justin didn’t want to hear it. He needed answers. “How?” he cut her off, and looked straight at her, wanting to know how a pregnancy could have resulted from their misstep.

  
  


Lindsay peered at him, immediately understanding what he was asking. “The condom broke.”

  
  


“How convenient,” Justin barked, unable to react any other way. Because, really, that was it? The condom broke? Did she truly think he was that gullible? 

  
  


“Justin, I know how it sounds, but I swear it’s the truth. We used a condom.” She stated firmly, wringing her hands.

  
  


“How can you expect me to believe you? When all you’ve done is cheat and make my life a living hell?” Justin lashed out, unable to prevent his anger and pain from overwhelming him. “Jesus, Lindsay, do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

  
  


“Yes, I know. I know!” Lindsay retorted loudly, standing up to face Justin. “Don’t you think that I regret it, too? My life is a wreck, Justin! I’m going to lose Melanie, and Brian, and you, and  _ he  _ wants me to get an abortion, and I don’t...”

  
  


“What did you just say?” Justin cut her off once more. “He wants  _ what _ ?”

  
  


“Didn’t you talk to Brian?” Lindsay inquired with a snort. “He doesn’t want to hear about that baby. He made an appointment for me to terminate the baby!” She broke down at the words, slumping back onto the couch as she started crying.

  
  


_ Oh my God, Brian… _ That was the reason why Justin had barely seen Brian all week. Brian had decided to take care of this and, of course, he’d insisted that Lindsay give up on her hope of welcoming a child into her life. Justin knew how Brian felt about paternity. He also didn’t have to be a genius to understand why Brian had never wanted to be a father in the first place, not when he had such a terrible example of his own. Jack Kinney had done so much damage to his son. Brian now couldn’t fathom the idea of becoming a dad, having the power to hurt his own child, and in his mind he would hurt him in the end, wouldn’t he?

  
  


_ Christ... _

  
  


It was all wrong, all so fucking wrong. Once more, Brian was letting his demons dictate his actions, his own fears taking control and guiding him towards more pain and regret. How could he not see that? Brian was one of the smartest men Justin had ever encountered, but conversely, he was also one of the most unstable, stupid, and arrogant men when he was pushed into a corner. He needed to grow up and to grow out of the fears that controlled his life. 

  
  


“You’re going to let him?” Justin asked, astounded. “You’re just going to let Brian make the decision for both of you?”

  
  


“I…” Lindsay scrutinized him with tears in her eyes. “I don’t know  _ what  _ to do,” she finally conceded. “I don’t even know if I can support a child on my own. Sure, I have a job, but I’m scared at the thought of doing this alone. What if Mel doesn’t come back? What if Brian cuts me out of his life? What then? I’ll be a single mother, and I don’t know if I can do it, Justin. I just don’t know,” she shared, her voice shaking. 

  
  


Justin let out a heavy sigh. No matter how pissed off he was at her right now, he also couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. He walked over to her and sat by her side. Rubbing his face, he finally declared, “Lindsay...if you want to keep the baby, I’ll help you.”

  
  


“You will?” She echoed, staring up at him, her hope reflected in her gaze.

  
  


Justin nodded, as he clarified, “I’ll talk to Brian.” Gazing at her, he saw the question in her eyes, and hastily added, “Don’t think I’m doing it for you, because I’m not. You betrayed me.”

  
  


Lindsay sighed, looking down at her fingers. “I understand.”

  
  


“But if you want to keep the baby, I think you should. Brian must be afraid of becoming a father, but forcing you into an abortion is an even shittier thing to do.” Justin declared, the exhaustion he was feeling over the whole situation overpowering him, too. “Fuck!” he cursed as he rubbed his face some more.

  
  


“For what it’s worth, I’m…” Lindsay began, but Justin cut her off, raising his hand to stop her from finishing her thought. He knew she wanted to apologize, to explain why Brian and she had destroyed the confidence Justin had held that something like this could never happen, because they were supposed to respect and love each other, right? It seemed he had been damned wrong about that, too. Fuck, he was so tired of being pulled asunder by Brian’s reckless behavior. So fucking tired.

  
  


“I don’t want to hear it,” Justin announced as he stood up. “When I walk out the door, you and me, we’re over. Sure, I will talk to Brian, and I will do all I can to make him realize he is the most stupid, selfish, immature asshole on this planet, and that, once again, he is making a huge mistake, but you know what? It won’t be his last mistake. No. Because he can’t fucking deal with his shit like a normal human being. He has to become this fucking caricature who pushes his friends away, pushes his fucking family away, and backs me into a corner. And you know the worst part? I’m as stupid as he is, because I’m still here!” he shouted, his voice having risen as he spat out the words, realizing how utterly fed up he was with everything.

  
  


Lindsay’s eyes went wide as she listened to Justin raging about Brian. “You know he loves you,” she weakly tried to defend her friend, but that angered Justin even more.

  
  


He barked out a cynical laugh that was full of disdain at her words. “I don’t need your pity!” he snarled at her with a murderous glare, before turning on his heels and heading towards the door.

  
  


“Justin, wait!” Lindsay’s voice echoed behind him, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He could feel himself tearing up; angry, hopeless tears which were threatening to fall, but he refused to cry. He wiped them away as he walked out the door and fled from this nightmare.

 

* * *

  
  


The universe had always loved to revel in a good laugh at the expense of mere, insignificant mortals like him, Justin thought. 

  
  


After he’d left Lindsay’s place, he had walked aimlessly, not sure about his destination. He’d felt his phone vibrating several times in his pocket, but he’d ignored it and kept walking. Arriving on Liberty Avenue after approximately an hour, he’d gone to the diner and sat at the counter.

  
  


Debbie wasn’t there. Justin didn’t know whether he was relieved or not at being unable to talk to her, but it was just as well. He didn’t have a clue about how he really felt, except that he was tired. Plain and simple.

  
  


Remembering the missed calls, he took out his phone and checked his messages. The first one was from Michael, suggesting a night out with everyone and asking if he and Brian would be there. Justin snorted at the words ‘he and Brian.’ It was so easy for everyone to consider them an item, when Justin felt very much alone and so alienated from his boyfriend.

  
  


The second message made Justin pause. As he listened to the female voice informing him that they’d like to hire him as an Assistant Graphic Designer, and ‘could he please let them know in the next couple of days if he was still interested in the position,’ he froze.

  
  


Fuck. The job.

  
  


Yes; the universe was so laughing at him right now.

 

* * *

  
  


Brian showed up at 10 p.m. that night. He’d spent all day in meetings and catching up with some paperwork. When he’d finally finished, it was past 9:30 p.m., but he was too exhausted to go out. He could feel an emerging headache trying to invade and, even though he was dreading going home, he decided to take his chances. It had been four days already since Lindsay’s visit, and considering Brian had avoided Justin ever since, he surmised his partner must be angry with him. He couldn’t afford to piss him off even more.

  
  


When he walked in, the apartment was quiet. Too quiet. The only proof of Justin’s presence was the dim light illuminating the living room as well as an empty plate left carelessly on the kitchen counter. Brian finally turned around and peered towards the couch, discovering a silent Justin just sitting there, seemingly staring into space, lost in thought.

  
  


Brian sensed that something wasn’t right. Justin didn’t acknowledge him in any way. The brunet frowned as he retrieved his jacket, placing it carefully over the back of a nearby chair.

  
  


“I got a call from Chicago,” Justin’s voice suddenly broke the deafening silence. 

  
  


“Oh?” Brian responded carefully, waiting for Justin to elaborate.

  
  


Justin stayed silent. Brian cleared his throat, feeling more and more uncomfortable with each passing second. Figuring that Justin wouldn’t say more if he didn’t ask, he inquired as nonchalantly as possible, “So...what’s the verdict?”

  
  


“Do you care?” Justin spat at him, finally gazing up.

  
  


“Would I ask you if I didn’t?” Brian retorted curtly, not liking one bit how distant Justin was acting.

  
  


“I don’t know. Would you?” Justin asked with an impassive stare.

  
  


Brian felt himself getting defensive. “Cut the crap, Justin. I’m not in the mood,” he snarled as he went to retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge.

  
  


Justin chuckled sarcastically, shaking his head. He looked pissed. “You’re not in the mood…” he repeated. 

  
  


Brian approached the blond as he gulped some water from the bottle in one hand, loosening his tie with the other. “What is biting your ass today? Did they turn you down or something?”

  
  


“I saw Lindsay today,” Justin revealed calmly, not reacting to Brian’s harsh tone.

  
  


Brian felt cold all of a sudden. He stared at Justin, who was now glaring right at him, his blue eyes revealing the ugly truth that Brian had wanted to hide from him at all costs.  _ Shit.  _

  
  


“And so what?” Brian retorted cynically as he put down the bottle of water on the counter, not ready yet to admit defeat, even less to make amends. Lindsay’s pregnancy was his business, not Justin’s. It wasn’t the blond who had been pushed into a corner by this unexpected revelation. Who was Justin to judge him? “She told you, didn’t she?” Brian grated out as he reached to retrieve a cigarette from his briefcase. He needed a smoke so badly.

  
  


“Yeah, she did. Why didn’t you tell me about this yourself?” Justin demanded as he stood up to go after Brian.

  
  


“Because it’s none of your fucking business?” Brian questioned ironically, turning around to confront his lover, his eyes cold. “Just stay out of it!” he finally snarled.

  
  


“No!” Justin shouted. Brian tried to bypass him, but Justin pushed him back. “This has to stop, Brian! You can’t keep shutting me out every time you feel cornered, or guilty, or whatever bullshit emotion you hate to face! You can’t...you can’t ask her to have an abortion just because you’re scared shitless!” Justin stated agitatedly, as Brian evaded him and walked back toward the living room. Justin went after him, shouting, “This is your chance, Brian; can’t you see it? Do you know how many gay men dream of becoming a father? How precious welcoming a child can be? I know you didn’t plan for any of this to happen, but you have to stop letting your fears dictate your actions if you don’t want to lose everything, because I assure you, you will regret it for the rest of your life!” Justin tried desperately to make Brian see how wrong he was. 

  
  


Brian crushed out his cigarette in the nearby ashtray as he turned back, growling, “You’re my conscience now?” He hated that Justin’s words had hit so close to home. Still, Justin was wrong on one count. He would never regret his decision not to become a father. Fathers were useless, fucking pieces of shit. Seriously, how could Justin not see that? How could Justin think for one fucking second that he would change his mind, when he knew firsthand how badly he had been hurt by his own father? Brian’s dad, Justin’s, Michael’s, Emmett’s, even Jesse’s, Brian didn’t know a single parent who had not damaged his kids, leaving them, disowning them, or even worse. Lindsay wanted to play Mom and Dad? Well, not with him. Never with him. 

  
  


“No, I’m not. I’m the man who is trying to prevent you from making a huge mistake!” Justin responded with a toss of his head. As Brian glared back at him, he realized that Justin’s eyes were devoid of anger, a wounded, but also worried look now reflecting from those blue orbs instead. 

  
  


Brian couldn’t bear Justin’s gaze, hating to be the cause of his lover’s concern. And yet, an inner anger filled his veins, too, overshadowing everything else. Who was Justin to judge him? How could he imagine that he would be okay with this? Pushing him to be a father? Brian had shared his feelings about Jack with Justin more than with everybody else. His lover had even accompanied him to see Jack several times in the past three years. Justin knew, he fucking knew that Brian couldn’t do this. How could he not? How could he...betray his trust like that? 

  
  


_ Fuck him.  _ “A mistake? This is NOT a mistake! You don’t know shit, Justin. But you have to try and save ‘poor little Brian’,” he spat the last words in a high, almost childish voice before turning to glare at his partner. “Just stop trying to be my moral compass!” he concluded angrily, his voice breaking, the turmoil of emotions whirling around inside him too fucking strong for him not to lose it. 

  
  


Justin hadn’t moved and kept gazing at him so intently that Brian felt like he was suffocating. He needed to get out of there. He turned on his heels, ready to walk out the door, but his lover’s desperate voice stopped him dead.

  
  


“I love you!” 

  
  


_ Jesus Christ. _

  
  


Brian’s chest squeezed so badly, hearing those words which shouldn’t have hurt so much. But right now, everything hurt. Justin was trying so hard to make him do what he thought was the right thing. Brian could hear all the anguish, the pain, the desperation in those three little words, but he couldn’t listen anymore. 

  
  


Justin should have known Brian couldn’t go through with it. He should have supported his decision. Brian was convinced Justin saying that he loved him was just a last-ditch attempt to provoke a reaction, maybe even for him to return his feelings, as if love could heal everything. But love was a farce. Brian loved Justin, but he couldn’t stop hurting his lover. Brian’s parents were supposed to love him, but they made him bleed instead. Jesse had been one of his best friends for years, but in the end, he had rejected him without a second thought. And now, Justin claimed that he loved him, but he wanted him to deny everything he believed in by agreeing to become a father.

  
  


Brian felt an inner rage invading him. “You love me? Haven’t I taught you anything?” He spat the cruel words with as much scorn as he could as he faced his lover. “Love is a farce, Justin. A fucking farce! People use love to make you think you’re going to be okay, with a happy life and promises of a wonderful future. But you know what? It’s utter bullshit! Because a life of pain is the only thing you’ll have if you let anyone get close to you!”

  
  


Justin stepped back as if Brian had really punched him in the face. Brian couldn’t move, though. He just stood there, glaring at his lover, the words he’d just uttered actually proving his point. But he couldn’t, he  _ couldn’t _ take them back. 

  
  


Brian had won. He saw the exact moment when Justin’s pain turned into an uncontrollable rage. “Fuck you, Brian! Fuck you for being an insufferable piece of shit, unable to grow up! I might love you, but I also hate you, you hear me? I fucking hate you!” Justin yelled back, his heart shattering. 

  
  


Brian’s brain shut down then as he glared at Justin with blazing eyes. “You hate me? Why don’t you just fuck off, then? I don’t need you in my life, don’t you understand? I was perfectly fine before I met you, and I sure as hell don’t need a fucking nursemaid to tell me how to live, or to force me to father a child! You, above everyone else, knows perfectly well that I can’t, so what the fuck are you trying to prove by betraying me like this?” He screamed, not even aware that his body was reacting to his inner rage, his fingers now firmly curled up into the palms on his hands. He wanted to punch something so badly.

  
  


Justin snorted derisively at Brian’s diatribe. “Seriously? You think  _ I _ ’m the one betraying you by not supporting you and your fucking fears when all you’re capable of is acting like a complete shithead?” he barked cynically, but his face was devastated by the anger, pain and betrayal he could feel, too. 

  
  


Brian raised his eyebrows mockingly, before glaring some more at his lover. His gaze was cold, so fucking cold, as he began, “What I think is none of your concern. But don’t worry, I heard you loud and clear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, this ‘shithead’ is out of here!” He screamed the last words angrily. “And if you’re smart enough, which I highly doubt, you will just get off my back and leave me the hell alone!” he concluded, as he took a few steps towards the front door. He stopped one last time to peer at his lover, all the fury he was feeling reflecting in his eyes, before he finally stormed out of the apartment.

  
  


“Fuck you!” Justin cried, angry tears running down his cheeks as Brian left. He was breathing hard, feeling like his body was splintering into little pieces. “Just fuck you…” his voice broke as he stood frozen in shock in the empty apartment. He could feel tears escaping, but he couldn’t feel anything else. It was as if a numbness had taken hold of him, as if the words exchanged between him and Brian had destroyed everything he had once believed in, his mind trying to make sense of it all, although it was useless. There was nothing left to make sense of now.

  
  


It was over. They were over. Justin couldn’t believe how far they’d gone, but he knew they’d both crossed a line from which they couldn’t return, even if he doubted Brian had realized that there was no turning back from this. 

  
  


More unwanted tears were threatening to fall at the thought, but Justin didn’t give in to them. Truthfully, he was breaking apart inside, but at the same time, he felt just...empty. The sad part was, Justin had meant every word he’d said when he had lashed out at Brian. He loved him with all his heart, but he also hated the man he’d become, a man who couldn’t deal with his fears and didn’t care about anything but his own fucked-up feelings. Brian’s demons ran too deep, and it devastated Justin because they had won. He wasn’t strong enough to beat them. 

  
  


Justin’s love wasn’t enough. That realization hurt him more than a bat to his head, but he couldn’t deal with those feelings anymore, so he shut them down. The decision was easy to make after that.

  
  


Once he’d made up his mind, Justin couldn’t leave fast enough. He needed to put as much distance between himself and Brian as he could. Fuck, he hated Brian so much for making him voice those awful truths, and pushing him to the breaking point. As he gathered his things, everywhere his eyes landed, he saw memories playing out before him, memories of a time when he’d been happy with Brian, and that made him ache even more. 

  
  


He left the apartment, realizing that he hadn’t even informed Brian that he’d nailed the job. Well, maybe it was for the best. Justin would call Emmett, and his friend would relay the news.

  
  


It was unreal, though. Justin couldn’t even say goodbye to anyone. It was too hard. So, he left and went straight to the airport, with no other plans than to hop on a plane and never look back. 

  
  
  
  
  



	33. Give it time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November 2014

 

 

**_November 2014, Pittsburgh, Kinnetik, Tuesday, 1 p.m…_ **

  
  


“Brian… It’s been a long time,”

  


Brian stared at Jesse as the silence permeated the room. He tried to process that his former best friend was here and waiting for him to respond. Nevertheless, he didn’t know what to do, much less what to say.

  


What was Jesse doing here? True, Brian had expected to see him at some point after learning about his return; yet, having Jesse standing in front of him now after all these years of silence, he realized he wasn’t ready to face him. He’d loved Jesse like a brother once, but he’d been hurt so deeply by his rejection that he could feel his body tensing with an unwanted, overpowering sense of dread.

  


He wasn’t ready at all.

  


“What are you doing here?” Brian finally muttered, his voice barely more than a whisper, the tightening in his chest making it difficult to speak.

  


“I needed to see you,” Jesse replied with a meaningful gaze. It wasn’t surprising that, after all this time and the way they had parted, their encounter would feel so intense, but Brian didn’t want to analyze Jesse’s stare. It was too painful.

  


Brian scowled at Jesse. “You needed to see me? _Now_?” His brow furrowed as he sensed how agitated he was becoming, his body almost shaking. He added sardonically, “Is this a joke?”

  


“Brian…” Jesse began, the expression on his face open and vulnerable, but Brian cut him off.

  


“I can’t do this,” he responded with a shake of his head and started to clear away all the paperwork spread out on his desk. He was hoping that Jesse would take it as his clue to just leave him alone, although he knew it was a pointless wish.

  


“Brian, please… I just need you to listen to me,” Jesse insisted as he stepped closer to him, now standing in front of the desk.

  


Brian smiled sarcastically without gazing at Jesse, as he opened a drawer to place a file into it. “You need me to listen? After all this time?” he snarled.

  


“Brian...I’m sorry,” Jesse tried, but Brian just snorted in response. _Sorry my ass._

  


Brian finally stilled long enough to look up at his former friend, asking the one question he wanted an answer to, “Since when have you been able to walk again?”

  


Jesse sighed heavily. He swallowed. Brian noticed that he had begun to rub his left thigh with the palm of his hand. Jesse stayed silent, though, prompting Brian to raise one eyebrow at him. His former friend looked away briefly before finally responding quietly, “A few years.”

  


“A few…” Brian echoed, feeling his throat closing up.

  


“I should have told you,” Jesse immediately interjected.

  


Brian glared back at Jesse, a coldness now filling his veins, and a flash of fear crossed Jesse’s face as the man understood that Brian was shutting down. As if to confirm his assumption, Brian retorted, “But you didn’t; so what the fuck are you doing here?”

  


Jesse seemed to debate about his response, his mouth opening and closing several times, no words coming out. He winced and closed his eyes, rubbing his leg. Brian’s anger subsided slightly as he began to wonder if Jesse was alright, but before he could question Jesse’s behavior out loud, his former friend stared back at him and revealed bashfully, “I missed you.”

  


The words felt like a slap in Brian’s face. Not because he doubted Jesse’s sincerity - even though they’d been estranged for so long, Brian knew Jesse wouldn’t lie about something as important as this - but, if his words were true, why had it taken Jesse eight fucking years to come and see him?

  


The brunet therefore chuckled coldly before glaring at Jesse again, “You missed me? Seriously? That’s a good one considering the last time I saw you, you couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. And I’m pretty sure you knew where I was for the last eight years, but it’s funny because I don’t remember you ever paying me a visit during all that time.” Brian growled derisively, unable to control his emotions, his emerging anger - his only way to protect himself - overshadowing every other feeling he might have experienced at that moment.

 

Jesse didn’t let himself be intimidated by Brian’s obvious displeasure at seeing him. He hadn’t come all the way here to back off now. Whether Brian would really listen to him or not was irrelevant at that point. Apologizing after so long would probably not be enough, not when Jesse knew perfectly well that rejecting his friend was the worst thing that he could have done. He didn’t even want to think about how Brian must have felt back then.

  


Today, Jesse wished that he could have reacted differently to his injuries. Even if he had never walked again, he knew now that life was worth living, regardless of anything fate might throw at you - as long as you had people to love you and support you. But at the time, he hadn’t been able to think that way, and it had taken him years to overcome his own fears and anger, and to acknowledge the truth. Blaming Brian was the biggest mistake he had ever made, clearly demonstrating that he was only human.

  


Jesus, seeing Brian for the first time since that fateful encounter at the hospital was overwhelming Jesse completely. Looking at the man he had become - this beautiful, mature businessman representing the company he had built from scratch - Jesse wanted to walk over to him, hug him, and never let him go. He hadn’t realized until that instant how much he had missed him. Of course he had missed their relationship, the enjoyable moments they had shared, but it was more than that. Gazing at Brian, Jesse remembered all the beauty, the laughter, the treasured bond only a real friendship could provide. They had been true friends once, ones who would always have each other’s back and never let one another down. Jesse was so angry at himself for forgetting how precious this bond really was, and for having allowed his desperation to drive his friends away and to hurt Brian so deeply.

  


Because no one should ever underestimate the power a real friend held, the power to hurt being as intense as the pain a lover could inflict on the one he claimed to love. When a friend betrayed you, rejected you, or just forgot about you, it hurt. Conversely, true friends were there for you when you were ready to give up. They helped you, cheered you up, and loved you. They had the power to heal you, to give you the incentive to be a better person.

  


Jesse wanted to cry at how stupid, how cruel he’d been. How could he have forgotten? How could he have rejected Brian? Jesse had waited so long to come back. If not for Justin moving home, he wasn’t even sure he would have had the courage to confront his past. It had been so easy to hide behind the passing of time and to let himself believe that it was too late to fix what had been broken. Aaron had told Jesse that facing his past after all this time showed how courageous he really was but, truthfully, Jesse didn’t feel brave at all. On the contrary, his cowardice had held him back for too long, and his biggest fear was that it was too late. But he wanted to try. He owed Brian that much. Not just Brian. Michael, too. Emmett. Lindsay. Ted. Debbie. Fuck, he couldn’t believe he had stayed away for so long.

  
  


So, now he was here and he wouldn’t throw his chance away. “Brian…” He called to his former best friend firmly and waited for Brian to look at him. When he did, Jesse held his gaze for several seconds before he began, “I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself for what I did to you. I was so fucking angry back then, and I shouldn’t have blamed you for what happened that night. It was shitty and you didn’t deserve it. The only man responsible for my former condition is the fucking prick who stabbed me, and certainly not you. I’m sorry for putting the blame on you, when I already knew it wasn’t your fault. I’m so fucking sorry Brian.” Jesse confessed wholeheartedly, hoping Brian would listen to his plea, but Brian looked away and started to compile another folder.

  


Jesse winced as a sudden rush of pain traveled through his leg. He was too stressed and, of course, his body was reacting to his overwhelming anxiety by betraying him; but he ignored it and continued to stand as still as he could, waiting for Brian to reply.

  


Brian didn’t notice Jesse’s uncomfort, too busy trying to appear as unaffected as he could by pretending to keep arranging his paperwork, although his heartbeat was racing. He eventually gave Jesse an impassive, brief stare and scoffed, “I’m pretty sure you remember how I feel about apologies.”

  


Jesse waited for the pain to fade, before uttering, “Please… I know I was wrong. So fucking wrong. But I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can’t go back, even if I wish I could and I…”

  


“So, now you have regrets?” Brian inquired incredulously, cursing himself when he heard his voice break. He couldn’t believe it, yet Jesse’s words were reaching a part of him that craved a chance to forget the past eight years, and Brian could feel his walls cracking. But he couldn’t let it happen. “Don’t you think it’s a little late for that?” he finally asked, hating the feelings he was fighting in order not to cave.

  


“I hope not.” Jesse responded genuinely.

  


“Well, that’s too bad then,” Brian resisted, but his words had lost their previous edge. Brian was becoming more and more exhausted by the whole conversation, and he just wanted to end it.

  


“You’re not going to make it easy, are you?” Jesse questioned sadly.

  


Brian cringed. _Easy_? Did Jesse really think it could be that simple for them to reconnect after everything that had happened? After all this time? “Easy?” he repeated the word disdainfully. “No, I won’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.” He dismissed Jesse, sensing his inner rage overwhelming him again. Jesse needed to leave.

  


“Brian, please, I..”

  


“Jesse,” Brian stopped him, his tone of voice demonstrating how deadly serious he was, “if you don’t get out off my office right now, I’m not sure I will be able to control what is going to come out of my fucking mouth; so, if you’re smart enough, you won’t push me. You understand? Or do you want me to spell it out for you?” he asked dryly, hoping that Jesse would just take it as his clue and forget about his hopeless wish to fix things between them as quickly as possible. It wasn’t that Brian was totally against the idea of letting Jesse apologize and their forgiving each other - he had really grown up and had stopped letting his fucked-up feelings guide him, thank god - but he honestly doubted it would ever happen, their relationship having been too damaged by Jesse’s departure. Besides, Brian needed time to process how he really felt about Jesse being back in his life.

  


Jesse stared at him and Brian was relieved when his former friend nodded almost imperceptibly, conveying that he understood what Brian was asking him.  However, as Jesse finally moved to leave, Brian saw his face transform into a mask of pain as Jesse’s left leg gave out. The man would have landed flat on his ass on the floor if he hadn’t gripped Brian’s desk with his free hand but, even then, he fell awkwardly onto his knees. “Fuck!” Jesse screamed in pain, dropping his cane, his face turning white as sweat began to run from his forehead down along his cheek.

  


Brian felt his blood run cold as he witnessed Jesse’s pain. Regardless of the ordeal his friend had put him through, he suddenly realized Jesse’s absence hadn’t changed the way he felt. He still loved him like his own brother, and that would never change, no matter how much time passed without them being a part of each other’s lives. Brian couldn’t say how many times he had thought of Jesse and said a prayer to whoever was listening, asking for his friend to be okay, and hoping that he had found what he needed to move on and be happy. He couldn’t help it. Even if Jesse had hated him for the rest of his life, Brian would always have wanted for him to be okay.

  


His voice conveyed all those feelings as he rushed to Jesse’s side, terrified by the mere idea that Jesse’s health wasn’t as good as it seemed. “Jesse? Jesse!”

  


Jesse winced some more and leaned on Brian as the man grabbed him, helping him to sit in the closest chair. He then took a few deep, long breaths, letting the air fill his lungs, waiting for the pain to become bearable again. When he felt it begin to fade, he gazed up at Brian, and saw the intense fear in his hazel eyes but, most of all, he saw the love. Jesse’s heart skipped a beat as he understood that they would be okay, eventually. Maybe not today, or even tomorrow, but one day. One day, Jesse would have Brian back, and he vowed to himself that he would never let him down again.

  


Jesse blinked, feeling tears welling up in his eyes because of the pain, tears that he wouldn’t let escape. No, right now, he needed to reassure Brian that he was okay. “It’s okay, I’m fine… I just need to… sit down for a while,” he breathed out as he felt Brian caress his back in a soothing manner.

  


Brian asked, worry lacing his voice, “Can you take anything? Pills?”

  


“Yeah…” Jesse acquiesced, reaching for the inner pocket of his jacket. He retrieved a few pills from his prescription bottle while Brian stood up and went to pour a glass of water.

  


Brian walked back quickly and leaned on his desk beside Jesse as he handed him the glass. “Here.”

  


“Thanks…” Jesse gulped the pills with the water, while Brian let himself slide to the floor, his legs bent in front of him. He stared up at Jesse, searching for any residual signs of discomfort.

  


When Brian was reassured that Jesse was feeling better, he rubbed his face and confessed, “You scared the shit out of me.” He peered at Jesse again, his gaze almost bashful now that he had disclosed his feelings.

  


“I thought you didn’t care,” Jesse responded with a smile, knowing perfectly well that Brian did care, even if he couldn’t say it. Brian gazed away, however, obviously uncomfortable with Jesse’s statement. Jesse leaned forward and placed a hand on Brian’s knee to get his attention. “Hey... I get it.”

  


“I need some time,” Brian admitted as he avoided Jesse’s touch by straightening his leg before getting up. He bent over to retrieve the cane from the floor and placed it on the edge of his desk so that Jesse could reach it.

  


“I know. I’m kind of glad you didn’t take my head off the minute I walked in,” Jesse quipped softly, while massaging his leg, feeling the pills start to kick in.

  


Brian stared as Jesse moved his hands over his leg, using his thumbs to relax his muscles in order to stand up. A minute elapsed before Brian inquired, “You have a ride?”

  


“Aaron’s in the car, waiting for me.” Jesse confirmed, as he tentatively moved, gripping the desk to keep the pressure to a minimum as he stood up.

  


Brian was instantly by his side, helping him, encircling Jesse’s waist with his arm. When Jesse took the cane and Brian was sure that he could stand on his own, he released him. Jesse’s eyes bored into his as they broke contact.

  


“I’m glad you’re okay.” Brian uttered before he could even think about what he was saying.

  


Jesse didn’t respond, but his eyes were kind, almost sparkling. He reached for something in his jacket and came up with a card. He gave it to Brian. “Call me when you’re ready,” he proposed as Brian peered down at the phone number written on the paper, noticing the words ‘Counselor - Stern House, Baltimore’. Brian frowned, but he didn’t comment.

  


When he looked up, he saw Jesse’s form retreating from his office.

  


* * *

  


**_Tuesday, 6 p.m., Justin’s apartment…_ **

  


Justin slowly ascended the stairs leading to his apartment, leafing through the mail that he had just retrieved from his mailbox, but his steps halted as he arrived at his doorstep. Brian was sitting on the floor and leaning against the wall outside his apartment.

  


“Brian?” Justin called with a frown just as the brunet looked up. His face was expressionless, so Justin didn’t know what had prompted him to come and wait for him here. “You okay?”

  


Brian didn’t respond, but he stood up as Justin slid the key into the lock and pushed the door open. Brian had never seen his place, even though he had dropped off Justin in front of the building the day before.

  


Justin frowned again when Brian remained silent, but he didn’t push the brunet and let him follow him into his apartment. Justin went over to his desk, which he’d set up in one corner on the other side of the living room, and dropped his bag onto the floor - watching Brian as he entered Justin’s new home for the first time. After closing the front door behind himself, Brian remained immobile, his gaze sweeping around the area from left to right, and finally stilling on one of Justin’s paintings adorning the wall next to him.

  


Brian walked closer and stopped in front of it, seemingly mesmerized by its beauty. Justin hesitated, but he finally joined Brian, encircling his waist from behind, and just waited for his reaction.

  


“When did you paint this?” Brian asked quietly, covering Justin’s hand with his own.

  


“Last year,” Justin answered before placing a soft kiss on Brian’s neck.

  


“I almost forgot how talented you are,” Brian simply murmured, turning into Justin’s arms.

  


Justin had trouble reading Brian right then. He stared into Brian’s eyes to try and understand what his lover was feeling, but his gaze was indecipherable. “What happened today?” Justin inquired gently, sensing that Brian was there for a reason.

  


Brian raised his hand and cupped Justin’s cheek. He leaned in, resting his forehead against Justin’s. Justin could hear him breathe, could feel it on his skin, and he was beginning to worry. But before he could form a coherent question, Brian’s lips found his own, and he forgot everything else.

  


They barely made it to the bed. Whereas their ‘first’ time after eight years had been uncharacteristically slow and gentle a couple of days earlier, this time was different. Brian was desperate to be inside Justin. Clothes landed on the floor. They fell onto Justin’s bed, their naked skin thirsting for each other. They rubbed against one another for a short while but, most of all, they kissed, deeply. Their tongues danced as they ravished each other’s mouths.

  


Justin hissed when Brian entered him, while also urging his lover to take him. The blond was lying on his back, Brian facing him, his head dropping momentarily as he penetrated Justin and began to move. The thrusts were not gentle, but raw, urgent. Soon, Brian’s body was covered in sweat as he kept coming and going in and out of Justin, rushes of electricity coursing through both of them with each thrust. Justin’s eyes were locked on Brian’s face, on his open mouth, his closed eyes, the pleasure his lover was feeling reflected in every facial feature, every grunt. Brian looked beautiful.

  


Brian came suddenly, letting a guttural groan escape his lips at his unexpected orgasm. The sight was mesmerizing.

  


The brunet fell onto Justin heavily, and Justin had to laugh. He hadn’t come, but he didn’t care. Brian had needed this, and Justin was more than happy to give him whatever it was he wanted at this instant. Brian stayed inside of him for a few more minutes, his face buried in Justin’s neck. Justin caressed his hair absentmindedly, just enjoying the moment, the feeling of Brian lying in his arms.

  


Brian finally disentangled himself from Justin and rolled onto his back. He removed the condom from his dick, tied it off, and tossed it into a nearby trashcan. He then stood up, grabbed his pants from the floor, and retrieved his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He sat down on the bed and looked at Justin for permission. The blond was still lying on his back, following Brian’s movements curiously. He finally sat up, too, and bent over to open a drawer and pull out an ashtray. He set it on the nightstand as Brian placed a cigarette between his lips and lit it.

  


Brian took a couple of drags before extending his hand and offering it to Justin, but Justin declined. Brian just shrugged and took another puff.

  


“I saw Jesse today,” he finally revealed, although, from the tone of his voice, he could have been talking about the weather. Justin wasn’t fooled, however. He just needed to let Brian lead the conversation to wherever he wanted it to go. Therefore, he didn’t respond.

  


Brian kept on smoking silently until he crushed out the stub of his Marlboro in the ashtray. He then turned to gaze at Justin and leaned in to kiss him, almost shyly. Justin took it as his cue to scoot closer, and he put his head on Brian’s shoulder. Brian’s hand immediately found Justin’s hair, and he began to run his fingers through the blond strands.

  


“Did you know?” Brian breathed out. Although Justin couldn’t see his face, he heard the catch in his voice, and his chest tightened in concern.

  


“Know what?” Justin inquired, leaning back to look at Brian and effectively breaking their connection, not sure what the brunet was referring to.

  


Brian kept staring ahead. “That Jesse was walking again.” He specified quietly.

  


“I did,” Justin confirmed softly. He didn’t touch Brian, though, didn’t try to make him look at him, or reassure him. He just sat by his side, and waited.

  


Justin could see Brian’s eyes moving although he still wasn’t looking at Justin, but he was seemingly trying to decide what to do with this new information. Justin briefly feared that Brian would react badly but, for now, he was still there. That had to mean something.

  


The silence dragged on for too long, however. With each passing second, Justin could feel himself starting to freak out. That’s why, after a couple of minutes, he blurted out, “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how to. I would have told you eventually, but you just discovered I was in contact with him a couple of days ago, and with everything that had happened, I just... the time wasn’t right.”

  


Brian finally peered over at him. He still didn’t utter a word.

  


Justin was scared, but he refused to believe that Brian wouldn’t be able to deal with Jesse’s return, or even the shocking news that his former best friend was able to walk. Justin could have tried to make Brian talk, but he wanted his companion to confide in him because he wanted to, not because he felt he had to. So, Justin stayed silent but, unable to resist, he grabbed Brian’s hand and squeezed it.

  


To his relief, Brian squeezed back, before placing his other hand on Justin’s chin. “You have nothing to be scared of, Justin,” he enigmatically stated, his hand caressing Justin’s cheek once before he stood up and walked out of the room in all his naked glory.

  


* * *

  


A couple of hours later, Brian was naked and sweaty again but was now lying on the couch with Justin’s warm body in his arms, after having given the blond a very long, very thorough blowjob. They had ordered Chinese and had lazily shared it at the kitchen counter, before Brian had professed that he needed to get Justin off and make him experience an explosive orgasm if he wanted to keep his reputation intact, considering Justin hadn’t come earlier. Justin had pretended not to care, joking that he wasn’t that shallow, but when Brian’s mouth had covered his dick after opening his robe - they hadn’t gotten dressed after they’d had sex earlier - he had quickly forgotten how to speak or why he’d wanted to protest.

  


They shared a few bad jokes, laughter filling the air. Brian couldn’t keep his hands to himself and kept caressing his lover, his hair, then his arm, sharing a kiss once in a while, and relishing Justin’s presence. Justin was now talking animatedly about one of his colleagues that he couldn’t stand, imitating the smug tone of his apparently high-pitched voice while reluctantly admitting that he was one of the most competent employees in the company.

  


“Is that guy getting fucked on a regular basis?” Brian asked jokingly, as Justin just explained that Andrew, the forty-something tightwad he was talking about, labelled every meal and snack he brought to work in order to warn everyone away from his food, and rarely ordered out, although he received quite a generous salary as one of the firm’s mid-level managers.

  


“With that face?” Justin quipped. “He’s lucky if he’s lost his virginity.”

  


Brian chuckled at Justin’s response. “You’re such a snob,” he teased before laughing out loud when Justin turned in his arms to look at him with false indignation.

  


“It’s not my fault most people are boring and stupid.” Justin countered playfully.

  


“Justin Taylor… You are such a rude, little shit,” Brian grinned, as he slapped Justin’s ass before whispering in the blond’s ear, “I need to pee, Mr. Asocial.”

  


“Hey!” Justin slapped Brian back with a laugh. Brian grabbed his hand, immobilizing Justin, and leaned his face close to him seductively. Justin was sure Brian was going to kiss him - he could feel his heartbeat rise in anticipation - but Brian just pursed his lips to stop a smile from appearing on his face, and he leaned back before Justin could claim his mouth. “Briian!” Justin complained, earning a laugh from his lover who finally stood up to go to the bathroom.

  


Justin smiled, watching Brian as he headed toward the back of the apartment, still amazed that they really were back together.

  


As soon as the brunet disappeared from his sight, Justin heard Brian’s cell ring. He got up to check the caller ID, grabbing his robe and putting it on hastily while moving to the kitchen counter. Peering at Brian’s cell, he saw Michael’s name flashing on the screen and decided to pick it up.

  


“Hey, Michael,” Justin greeted his friend cheerfully.

  


“Justin?” Michael answered, surprised. But he recovered quickly as he stated, “Of course it’s you. Now that you guys are together again, I bet you’re making up for all that lost time, right?”

  


Justin grinned, “Don’t try to make me talk. You know I will not discuss my sex life with you.”

  


“It was worth a shot,” Michael quipped, before asking more seriously, “Is Brian with you right now?”

  


“He’s in the bathroom, actually. Why?” Justin questioned, understanding Michael wanted to take advantage of their impromptu exchange to tell him something.

  


“Jesse just left my house.” Michael revealed quietly.

  


“Oh. Are you okay?” Justin immediately inquired. He wasn’t surprised Michael had been next on Jesse’s tour, considering they’d been almost as close as Brian and Jesse in the past. Michael would naturally feel quite shaken by Jesse’s visit, although Justin doubted he would ever turn Jesse away. Conversely, he wasn’t so sure Brian would allow Jesse back into his life that easily.

  


“Me? Yeah, I think I’m fine. I mean, it was weird at first to see him after all these years, but well… I’ve missed him, you know?” Michael disclosed shyly, making Justin smile. The man was such a softie.

  


“It’s great, Michael. I’m glad you guys could work things out.” Justin stated genuinely.

  


“I’m glad, too.” Michael agreed. “Hmm...Jesse told me he went to...” He hesitated, but he didn’t finish his sentence.

  


Justin surmised, completing his thought, “To see Brian?”

  


“Brian talked to you about it?” Michael asked, obviously surprised.

  


“Not exactly. I mean he did, but... it’s Brian.” Justin stated awkwardly. “Listen, if you called to ask him about it, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Just...let him come to you if he needs to.”

  


“I just wanted to make sure he was alright.” Michael countered.

  


Justin was about to respond when Brian appeared in front of him. The brunet furrowed his brow at Justin as he pointed at his cell, silently asking who was on the phone. Justin mouthed ‘Michael’ and Brian nodded at him, extending his hand.

  


“Michael; Brian wants to speak to you.” Justin informed his friend before handing over his phone to Brian.

  


“Mikey! It’s been so long. Were you dead or something?” Brian teased, rolling his eyes.

  


Justin laughed and went to pick Brian’s robe up off the floor before placing it around Brian’s shoulders. The brunet slid his arms into the sleeves and then tied the belt, his cell stuck between his ear and his shoulder. He exchanged a few more words with his friend, giving him succinct responses, obviously not in the mood to talk. Michael fortunately didn’t push, and Brian hung up less than a minute later. Justin noticed Jesse’s name hadn’t been uttered once, so, Michael had probably avoided talking about him. Thank God.

  


Or not. “Okay; care to tell me what this phone call was really about?” Brian questioned with a small smile, softening his words by taking Justin in his arms and placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.

  


Justin stared at Brian to be sure his lover was okay. He finally disclosed, “Jesse went to see Michael.”

  


Brian, once again, stayed silent. Justin decided to move the conversation to another subject. If Brian wanted to talk about Jesse, he would. If not, Justin wouldn’t push him.

  


“Come on; you’re sleeping here tonight.” Justin informed with a bright smile.

  


“I am?” Brian smiled happily in return.

  


“I’m not letting you out that door until tomorrow morning.” Justin confirmed playfully and reached for Brian’s hand, intending to drag the man into his bedroom, but Brian resisted. Justin gazed up at him with a questioning look.

  


Brian fidgeted slightly, before inquiring calmly, “Do you think I should let him back in?”

  


Justin understood immediately who he was referring to. He waited a few seconds before responding, though. “I can’t answer that question for you.”

  


“I don’t know what the fuck to do.” Brian disclosed with a  sad smile.

  


“Do you _want_ him back?” Justin asked. He saw the look that crossed Brian’s face then. It was obvious what Brian wanted, even if Justin was pretty sure the brunet still had to figure it out. Nevertheless, Justin stated softly, “You still love him.”

  


Brian was scared. He didn’t deny or confirm Justin’s assumption, though. “I don’t know if I can. I truthfully don’t know.”

  


“You want my advice?” Justin asked, and Brian replied with a small nod of assent. “Give it time. Maybe, take advantage of the fact he’s here to talk to him some more? You will figure it out eventually.”

  


“Where were you for the past eight years?” Brian responded with a look Justin had rarely seen on his face. The blond shivered under Brian’s intense gaze and, before he knew it, he had claimed Brian’s lips, eliciting a delicious moan from his lover. Brian grabbed him by the waist and lifted him from the floor, his intention clear as he walked Justin back into his room, and slammed the door behind him with his foot, laughter filling the air once again.

  
  
  
  
  
  



	34. A new life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: July / December 2006

**_July 2006..._ **

  
  


When Brian left the apartment, he didn’t know where to go. In fact, he couldn’t think clearly. His mind was screaming at him to just stop, go back, and apologize to Justin, but his pride prevented him from doing so. He therefore didn’t turn around and instead started walking into the warm summer night, not giving a shit about his destination.

  
  


He had done it; he had succeeded. Justin hated him. And fuck if it didn’t hurt like a motherfucker.

  
  


He walked aimlessly for a couple of hours after having bought a bottle of Chivas Regal to celebrate his victory. By the time he knocked on Michael and Emmett’s door, he was wasted and that suited him just fine.

  
  


Michael wasn’t even there. As a dutiful son, he was sleeping at Debbie’s because she had the flu. However, when Emmett discovered Brian standing - or more accurately staggering at his door - whatever he saw convinced him not to ask questions. Brian wouldn’t have been able to answer them anyway.

  
  


Emmett took him in and tucked him into the bed in the guest room. When his former roommate lay down with him and spooned him, Brian didn’t even have the strength to make a witty remark. Emmett eventually caressed his arm and embraced him. Brian felt tears threatening to escape, his throat closing up. He hated himself so fucking much for allowing Emmett to see him like this, but he couldn’t stop.

  
  


He woke up alone the next morning, feeling like a train had run over him. Remembering the night before, he squeezed his eyes shut. 

  
  


“Shit,” He whispered into the lonely space, wincing even more when he raised his head and felt the ache in his skull. He had trouble opening his eyes, the light flooding the room through the window way too bright. It seemed like  _ everything _ hurt. 

  
  


Standing up, he grabbed his clothes from the nearby chair and dressed hastily. He put his shoes on, checked his wallet, and finally left the room. To his relief, the living room and kitchen area were quiet. The timer on the oven indicated 9:07 a.m., and apparently Emmett was still asleep.

  
  


Brian left as quietly as possible. After pausing at the entrance to the building, he walked across the porch and reached the pavement. His gaze swept around the street, while his hand searched for his cigarettes in his jeans pocket. He lit a Marlboro and inhaled the smoke, welcoming the slow burn in his throat and hoping to soothe his inner restlessness.

  
  


He hesitated only briefly before heading in direction of the bus station. Forty-five minutes later, he disembarked from the bus and walked to the Institute.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Brian never went to see his father in the mornings. Patients often stayed in their rooms at that time and, this early on a Saturday in July, Jack was nowhere to be seen. Brian walked into the common room anyway, sat in a random chair in front of the television, and flipped absently through the ‘Pittsburgh Gazette’ he had picked up from one of the tables.

  
  


“Brian?” Anne Elizabeth Collier’s voice reached his ears. Peering up, he noticed the redhead looking at him questioningly, obviously surprised to see him there on a Saturday morning.

  
  


“Hey Doc,” Brian greeted with a smirk. “Still being the Good Samaritan to the rejects of human society, I see,” he stated sarcastically before resuming his reading.

  
  


“You’re too old to play that part, Brian,” Dr. Collier countered sternly.

  
  


“I’m twenty-seven years old. Same as Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison…” He paused, feigning to think about another singer. “Oh, and Janis Joplin, when they smartly said their last goodbyes. Those guys definitely knew what they were doing when they decided to find an early grave or put a bullet in their head,” Brian eloquently retorted.

  
  


“Actually, Jim Morrison died from a heart attack,” Dr. Collier corrected Brian’s assumption that they all died as a direct result of their own actions, earning a snort from the brunet.

  
  


“Another reason why it’s bad to have a heart in the first place,” Brian replied with a fake smile. “Don’t you have other things to do than to check on me anyway? I’m not a patient, remember?”

  
  


“No. You’re a patient’s son.” Dr. Collier didn’t back down as Brian winced at her use of the word ‘son’. “And considering you’re sitting here on your own while your father isn’t anywhere in sight, I assume you’re waiting for something, so I might as well be useful.”

  
  


“Sorry, Doc. I’m a big boy, I can handle it myself,” Brian shot back as he stood up from his chair, dropping the newspaper onto the seat. “And never assume anything on my behalf. I’m outta here.” 

  
  


Dr. Collier prevented him from leaving, though, by grasping his forearm as he tried to bypass her. He peered down at her hand and then up at her face, furrowing his brow and shaking his head in a disapproving manner. Her stare didn’t falter, however. “You should stay. Jack will be here soon,” she finally advised as she retrieved her hand.

  
  


“Thanks, but no thanks.” Brian dismissed her, although he didn’t move away.

  
  


“Why are you here?” Dr. Collier questioned genuinely, not understanding why Brian would have come if not to see his father or at least to inquire about his well-being.

  
  


“Fuck if I know,” Brian retorted dryly, but the edge in his voice was unmistakable. “To remember why I don’t want to be a dad, probably?” he added out of the blue before looking away, incredulous that he had voiced his thought out loud.

  
  


Dr Collier stared at Brian, making the brunet uneasy. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t like what she’d have to say about his announcement. 

  
  


“Being a parent would be the most incredible experience of your life, Brian. I sure hope you will be lucky enough to become a dad, one day.” Dr Collier stated firmly with a soft smile, before adding, “My two children have given me so much joy. It’s...I know where you come from, considering you told me about your past with Jack when he first arrived here so that I could treat him. And I know that, for that reason, you might doubt that you would be a good father. But you’re wrong. You deserve to know what it feels like, like anyone else; you deserve to live it.”

  
  


“You know I’m a fag, right?” Brian chose to avoid responding directly to Dr Collier’s heartfelt declaration. Truthfully, he was flabbergasted.

  
  


“Doesn’t matter. I know you’re a good son. I have no doubts you would be an amazing dad.” At Brian’s interrogative stare, she clarified, “Even if you hated your father before the car crash, you still pay for his upkeep here and make sure we take good care of him. Not talking to him doesn’t make you a bad son. And who knows? Maybe someday you will change your mind about that, too. I know Jack would be delighted to get to know you.”

  
  


“He knows he has a son?” Brian inquired in disbelief. In two days, nine years would have elapsed since that night, and during all that time, Brian had never considered that Jack knew he existed. 

  
  


“He does.” Dr Collier revealed with a small nod. “He thinks you’re like an angel who has so much work to do that you can’t spare any time to be by his side.” Dr. Collier paused, breathing deeply before disclosing, “He also knows about your mother and sister and, even if he doesn’t remember them, he claims they must be in heaven.”

  
  


“In heaven…” Brian echoed, pursing his lips. 

  
  


“Our patients are aware they had another life before ending up here. Your father is no exception. You really should consider…”

  
  


“No.” Brian cut her off. “I’m not going to see him. And don’t even try to make me change my mind,” he suggested with a pointed state as the redhead was about to interrupt him. “Or I swear I won’t come back again. Got it?”

  
  


Dr. Collier nodded in agreement. She turned around, obviously intending to return to work, but she paused and looked back at him one last time. “Think about what I said, though, okay?” she demanded cryptically, before nodding goodbye and walking away.

  
  


Brian stared after her until she disappeared from his sight. He didn’t move right away, but finally, almost against his own will, he walked towards Jack’s room. Arriving in front of the door, he stopped, his eyes landing on the number on the closed door - 215.

  
  


He closed his eyes, the memory of his conversation with Justin echoing in his mind.  _ “This is your chance, Brian; can’t you see it? Do you know how many gay men dream of becoming a father?” _

  
  


Fuck, Brian wanted to believe those words so much.

  
  


_ “How precious welcoming a child can be?” _

  
  


Justin would have done the right thing. Another reason why Brian loved him. Unlike him, Justin was strong. Brian had always praised himself for being someone who took responsibility for his own mistakes, but the truth was, it had been a long time since he had been that man. Jesse’s stabbing had changed him into a person who behaved like all those men Brian despised. He was afraid, but why? Because he was to blame? Was he really? Justin had told him countless times that it wasn’t his fault, and Brian had refused to listen. But Justin wasn’t drowning like Brian was, so it was safe to assume that he wasn’t driven exclusively by his emotions and could analyze the situation rationally. If so, could Justin be right? Could Brian have been blind all along?

  
  


And more importantly, could he really ask Lindsay to give up on her desire to have that child? Lindsay would probably never forgive him, but the real question was, could Brian forgive himself if he went through with it? Because, as much as he had refused to think about it until now, deep down. he didn’t want Lindsay to have an abortion. It was so wrong, for so many reasons. He didn’t want to become a father, but he probably wouldn’t have to be one. Lindsay would be a wonderful mother to that child and, if Melanie forgave her and stayed with her, Brian knew she would welcome the baby as well. He didn’t have to be involved to give this child a chance to live.

  
  


And what about Justin? Brian had been so damn cruel with him the night before. It would be a miracle if his lover forgave him for going this far.

  
  


He doubted an apology would be enough this time, but he owed it to his lover to try. He had to go home, face the consequences, and finally act like the man he used to be.

  
  


Brian peered one last time at the closed door in front of him before walking away.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Once Brian entered his apartment, it took him a few minutes to fully understand that Justin was gone although, as soon as he had crossed the threshold, he had already felt in his gut that something was wrong.

  
  


He walked tentatively into the living room, his eyes searching for clues of Justin’s presence. His chest constricted a little more every time he observed that something was missing. Justin’s sketchbook wasn’t on the coffee table. His ugly Sunday sweater wasn’t on the couch. Everywhere his eyes landed, it was as if Justin’s presence had been meticulously erased from Brian’s life.

  
  


He walked around the room, then towards their bedroom. The bed was unmade. A drawer was open, now void of anything it had previously contained. The closet door was open too, revealing empty hangers.

  
  


He found Justin’s toothbrush, left hanging next to his own in the glass cup adorning the bathroom sink. He took it between his fingers, then released it slowly, watching it sway slightly before stilling.

  
  


He checked the kitchen counter, but there was nothing there. No goodbye note with empty words that would lessen his pain. Brian blinked as his eyes imagined a piece of paper, realizing he wanted it to exist. A proof of Justin’s existence. Something. Anything.

  
  


He found the key in the mailbox, the last piece of his connection to Justin. His fingers enfolded it slowly, his heart shattering into a million pieces. 

 

* * *

  
  


Tears were quietly running down on his cheeks, but Brian was so numb he couldn’t move. He was sitting on the couch and had never felt so alone. He was staring at his phone, which he had dropped on the coffee table next to the key when he had returned from the lobby.

  
  


Justin was gone. For all the times Brian had imagined his life without his boyfriend, he had never once thought that it would hurt so much. When he had lost Jesse, he’d thought the pain he was experiencing would kill him but, now, he knew he had been wrong, because what he was feeling at this instant was beyond anything he had ever felt in his entire life.

  
  


He realized that it was all his fault and THAT was killing him. He had pushed Justin away, and for what? Because he was guilty of almost killing Jesse? What a fool he had been, refusing to listen to Justin and carrying the blame for Jesse’s injuries like a welcome burden he needed in order to play the martyr he had wanted to be. Jesus Christ, he was so full of shit. 

  
  


He had always pretended to be the God of homo heaven. But playing God regarding Jesse’s stabbing had been an entirely new development for him, and yet that’s what he had done. Because how in the world could he have predicted that Spencer would turn out to be a psycho and would plan to kill him? The only regret he had was letting his pride and anger take over that night, spewing hateful words at the man, and enticing Justin’s schoolmate to execute his plan to the perfection, except for one detail. He had stabbed the wrong man.

  
  


Brian understood the irony of his thinking process. If he could acknowledge that he had been wrong to blame himself for Jesse’s predicament, he also should be able to forgive himself for what had happened to his family. The truth, however, was far more complex than that.

  
  


He rationally knew that Justin had been right about Jesse, that every single one of his friends had been right regarding his family. It wasn’t his fault. He was no God. He didn’t have the gift of foresight, never had, never would. Yet, the suffocating feeling that crept over him anytime he thought about those events couldn’t be controlled with reasonable thinking. He couldn’t avoid the way he felt; although, if he’d had a chance to magically forget his past, he would have welcomed such amnesia with open arms.

  
  


He actually was guilty of having pushed Justin away, of having slept with Lindsay - of wanting her to erase any traces of his misstep, to kill the child even before it was born, as if that would solve everything that had gone wrong in his own life. 

  
  


Yes, he was scared out of his mind by the mere idea of becoming a father. Jack Kinney had damaged him while he was still alive and healthy, but Brian had let the remembrance hurt him even more. His father had haunted him day in and day out after he had disappeared from his life. He had never really left him, insidiously guiding Brian’s decisions, leading every step he had taken ever since. And because of that, he had lost the one person he loved more than anyone else in the world. 

  
  


A life without Justin terrified Brian. How was he supposed to go on now that he was gone? Truthfully, he wanted to hate Lindsay for telling Justin about the baby, but he also knew he couldn’t bear the idea of losing her, too. 

  
  


Brian didn’t want Lindsay to abandon that baby, not really. He just… Fuck, he didn’t know what he wanted. He was lost. Without Justin by his side, he wasn’t sure he could change his decision and agree with Lindsay’s request, but he realized that he wanted to try. Justin might have left him, but Brian felt like he needed to get his shit together and to finally stop his life from spiraling so out of control. He owed it to his boyfriend. Former boyfriend. God, just thinking the words hurt so much.

  
  


He needed to assume responsibility for his mistakes and clean up the mess he’d created. To stop Jack from dictating his life. To prove to Justin that he had been right to love a man like him, even if it was too late… Justin might never know that he had been right to believe in him.

  
  


Brian grabbed his phone. He stared at the screen, gathering the courage for what he had to do. His fingers pressed the numbers before he placed his cell to his ear, his heartbeat rising in anticipation.

  
  


Lindsay responded after a couple rings. Brian heard the surprise in her guarded voice. “Brian?”

  
  


Brian felt like he couldn’t breathe. His chest constricted painfully. This was it. After his next words, his life would change irrevocably. There was no turning back from this point. Sure, he didn’t plan to ever see the child, but he would exist, and Brian already had a feeling that staying away would prove to be more difficult once the baby arrived. 

  
  


“Lindsay…” Brian whispered, not recognizing his own voice. He waited for a few seconds, listening to his friend breathing, before announcing, “You can keep the baby. I’ll help you with any financial support you may need. I just…” He squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled heavily. “Don’t contact me, okay? Just do what you have to and ask Cynthia for anything you need. Money, insurance, anything...anything but my presence in this kid’s life...”

  
  


“Brian…” He heard Lindsay’s voice break. She was crying. “I…” Brian could tell she wanted to say so many things. He should have cut her off right there but he didn’t, instead waiting for her to continue. 

  
  


When she stayed silent, he abruptly declared, “ _ He _ left because of you.”

  
  


“I don’t understand,” Lindsay responded, obviously puzzled by Brian’s statement.

  
  


Brian was startled by his own words, but he was hurting so much that an insidious anger began to overtake him. “Justin... he’s gone,” he clarified, hearing the words for the first time making him feel like a knife was slowly, painfully, and maliciously cutting his skin. “I don’t want to see you again,” he stated, not leaving time for her to respond before he disconnected the call.

  
  


His arm fell to his side, his fingers still clutching his cell. A moment later, he threw it against the wall with all the force he could muster before rubbing his face with both his hands. 

  
  


“Fuck you, Justin…” he uttered into the lonely space, as he stood up to retrieve a bottle of Beam.

 

* * *

  
  
  


**_Three months later, October 2006, Sunday, Emmett and Michael’s apartment…_ **

  
  


Michael shuffled towards the living room, rubbing sleep from his eyes. The clock on his nightstand had indicated that it was past noon already, but Michael felt like he had barely slept. He had gotten home after six in the morning, having left his wasted out-of-his-mind best friend at his new loft with two guys who were even more intoxicated than Brian, if possible.

  
  


“Helloooo, Beautiful,” Emmett greeted him cheerfully from his seat at the counter, too jauntily for Michael’s taste. He felt like his head would explode any minute because of his splintering migraine. 

  
  


“Hmph…” Michael eloquently replied as he went to retrieve a box of Cheerios from one of the kitchen cabinets. He took out a bowl and a spoon, grabbed some milk from the fridge, and finally plopped onto a stool.

  
  


“Someone stayed out late last night,” Emmett commented knowingly as he turned a page of the cooking magazine spread out in front of him.

  
  


Michael shut his eyes and winced before blinking several times to try and make the pain ease, with no discernible result. “I really don’t know why I put up with his shit,” he stated matter-of-factly, not needing to specify whom he was talking about. He then put some cereal in his bowl and poured some milk all over it.

  
  


“You never could resist a lost cause,” Emmett responded disapprovingly. 

  
  


“He is in a bad place. I can’t let him down now, not when Justin is still unreachable. Fucking prick,” Michael drawled as he took a spoonful of Cheerios and began to chew.

  
  


“Justin didn’t do anything wrong.” Emmett immediately countered, closing his magazine.

  
  


“He left out of the blue without even taking the time to say goodbye,” Michael barked, unable to stop himself.

  
  


“Maybe he had his reasons,” Emmett pointed out, obviously set on defending his friend.

  
  


“Whatever,” Michael dismissed, opting to move the conversation towards a safer topic, knowing already that he and Emmett wouldn’t agree anytime soon. Michael was mad at Justin for leaving so suddenly, while Emmett was angry at Brian for still acting like an insufferable asshole. 

  
  


“Hmm...I have some good news, though,” Emmett announced. “Melanie is back home, where she belongs; so our favorite lesbians are going to have a baby together!”

  
  


Michael smiled at hearing the news, “That’s great! She finally forgave Lindsay after all?”

  
  


“Seems so. I’m glad that Lindsay won’t have to raise the baby alone, considering the father is still a no-show in her life.” Emmett specified, the tone of his voice not leaving any doubt about what he thought of Brian’s avoidance.

  
  


“Brian already agreed for her to have the baby. He will eventually change his mind once the baby’s here, too.” Michael stated with conviction.

  
  


“How can you be so sure?” Emmett questioned.

  
  


“Dunno. I just know Brian and, well, I can’t see him avoiding this child forever. I mean, he will have to see it sooner or later.” Michael couldn’t imagine that Brian would stay away once the baby was born. He would have to face Lindsay eventually, considering all their lives were entwined one way or another. In fact, Michael was certain his mother would try to make them sit at the same table pretty soon. Debbie had been profoundly affected by all the turmoil from the past few months, and Michael was actually surprised she hadn’t already tried to force Brian to stop avoiding Lindsay.

  
  


“Maybe you’re right but, in the meantime, you shouldn’t let him drag you everywhere like a good little puppy,” Emmett advised.

  
  


“Hey! I’m not a puppy!” Michael retorted loudly, furrowing his brow.

  
  


“Sure you are Sweetie. You come running anytime he calls you and stay by his side even if you don’t want to. That’s what puppies do,” Emmett replied with a grin.

  
  


“Someone needs to be there for him,” Michael declared forcefully. “I can’t leave him alone when he’s drowning. You haven’t seen him. He’s…” Michael let his spoon drop into the bowl, “I can’t shake this feeling that he will go too far, that I could lose him… I can’t…”

  
  


“Hey,” Emmett cut him off, bending over the counter to grab Michael’s hand. “You’re a wonderful friend, Michael. Brian is very lucky to have you.” He then straightened up before adding, “I may be angry at him right now, but I know you’re right. He needs you now. I just hope he realizes sooner rather than later he can’t go on like this. And… you need to protect yourself, too.”

  
  


“Don’t worry about me.” Michael dismissed Emmett’s concern with a shake of his head.

  
  


Michael’s phone started to ring then. The brunet stared at the jacket he had carelessly tossed on the couch when he had come home a few hours earlier, his phone safely tucked in its pocket. He sighed and looked at Emmett, who stared back at him with the kind of gaze that Michael had seen way too many times on his friends’ faces lately. 

  
  


Michael hadn’t moved when ‘Dancing Queen’ from Abba stopped playing. “Aren’t you going to respond to your best friend’s call?” Emmett eventually inquired with a funny look on his face. “And really, Michael? Brian is a queen alright, but I’m THE dancing queen,” he quipped, referring to Michael’s ringtone for Brian.

  
  


“Well, the last ringtone Brian picked for himself was Manson’s ´Personal Jesus’. But this one better describes his current state on my mind,” Michael revealed with a roll of his eyes. Talk about narcissism. “Shit,” he added when his phone started ringing a second time. He stood up and went over to pick it up. He stared at the screen for too long, though, and the ringing eventually stopped again. Michael took a few steps back towards the counter, but he hadn’t reached it when his cell started ringing once more.

  
  


“You might want to answer that, Mister Puppy,” Emmett teased as he stood up and patted Michael on the shoulder before walking away, leaving Michael alone to deal with Brian.

 

* * *

  
  


**_December 2006, Brian’s loft…_ **

  
  


Debbie entered the loft, using the spare key Brian had given her a couple of months earlier when he had moved in into his new place. She had never visited him until now, but as she tentatively walked in, she wasn’t surprised to discover that this loft was very appealing, if you were a gay man whose mission was to fuck yourself into oblivion, that is.

  
  


She wasn’t surprised either to notice that the bed, which was partially hidden by opaque, etched glass panels, looked like an altar, or even more accurately, a hedonist’s lair if the noises Debbie could hear echoing throughout the loft were any indication. Of course, Brian fucking Kinney would be screwing some guy at three p.m. on a Saturday afternoon. Or several, considering the number of moans and groans filtering out to the main room.

  
  


She walked around the living room, staring at the top-of-the-line furniture and at the painting of a naked man. She couldn’t help but chuckle when she saw how huge it was. She then decided to make her presence known and shuffled towards the stairs leading to the bedroom. Sure enough, Brian was there, or he must have been, as two guys were attacking him fervently, with Brian lying on the bed underneath them, their bodies hiding his.

  
  


“Don’t mind me! I will just wait until you’ve finished,” Debbie waved at them with a smile, vastly amused by their antics.

  
  


“Shit,” she heard Brian growl as he stopped the two guys from lavishing his body with more caresses and kisses and peered over to discover Debbie standing at the bottom of the steps to his bedroom, seemingly looking in direction of the kitchen. “I can’t believe it,” he muttered under his breath as he covered his dick with a pillow, effectively bringing an end to his pleasurable activity, the good part - or, depending on your perspective, the bad part - being that his hard-on had almost instantly disappeared. “Party’s over,” he announced as the two guys hastily picked up their clothes, having realized that someone else was in the loft.

  
  


“You have a nice kitchen,” Debbie commented loudly as she walked and stopped near the bar stools. “Although, I’m pretty sure cutting vegetables isn’t the activity you prefer to indulge in on this counter. How many guys have you already fucked on it anyway?” she questioned, staring at the dark surface with a frown. “Oh, hello boys!” she grinned as a redhead and a brunet descended the stairs from the bedroom, glancing at her with funny looks on their faces as they hurriedly left the loft. “Don’t forget to play safe to get laid!” Debbie shouted after them, smiling brightly. She had always looked after her community.

  
  


“Jesus Christ, Debbie. Can’t you take a break from the mother of all queer boys act?” Brian barked as he appeared shirtless in front of her, his jeans left unbuttoned and riding low on his hips. He picked up his sleeveless black top from the floor and put it on, before heading towards the fridge and retrieving a beer. Turning around, he peered over at Debbie as she gave him a none-so-innocent smile, obviously not intending to leave anytime soon, much to Brian’s chagrin. Sighing loudly, he retrieved another beer, opened it, and placed it not very delicately in front of his best friend’s mom.

  
  


“Thank you,” she stated with a grin, but she didn’t move to grab the bottle. 

  
  


“What now?” Brian drawled, understanding she wanted something else.

  
  


“Could you give me a glass?” She asked him.

  
  


“It’s a beer,” Brian retorted with a pointed look.

  
  


“Give me a fucking glass,” Debbie insisted.

  
  


“A glass it will be,” Brian replied ironically with a shake of his head. He opened one of the cabinets, took out a glass, and placed it next to Debbie’s beer. 

  
  


Debbie raised her eyebrows at him, before looking down at her beer and then up at his face, conveying without saying it what she wanted from Brian.

  
  


Brian sighed but poured the beer into the glass nonetheless.

  
  


“Thank you! You’re so sweet, honey,” Debbie replied with a false smile.

  
  


“I’m not…” Brian began, but Debbie didn’t let him finish.

  
  


“So, what’s up in Kinney land? Except for the stick up your ass?” she inquired, pointing her thumb into the air to accentuate her words.

  
  


Brian knew exactly what she wanted to talk to him about, but he’d be damned before he responded to her that easily. “Actually, if not for your perfect timing, I would probably have a real one up my ass right now.” He knew sarcasm wouldn’t work with her, but he still had to try.

  
  


“You’ve always had a big mouth,” Debbie drawled.

  
  


“Yeah. It comes in handy anytime I give head,” Brian retorted as he took a sip from his beer and walked towards the living room in search of his stash.

  
  


Debbie actually laughed at his bad joke. Brian wondered again why she couldn’t be shocked by his witty remarks like anyone else. “I have no other choice but to believe you on that one, considering the number of men you’ve been fucking lately.”

  
  


“Yes, well…” Brian shrugged, “A man has to take care of his needs.”

  
  


“Right,” Debbie snorted. “That includes dragging my son along while you drug, drink, and fuck your life away?”

  
  


“So, that’s why you’re here? Because you’re worried that poor little Mikey is going to get hurt by the big bad wolf?” Brian sneered as he sat on the couch and began to roll a joint, not caring for one minute that Debbie was there to observe what he was doing.

  
  


“No.” Debbie resolutely denied, as she sat next to him. She grabbed Brian’s chin to capture his attention. “I’m here because I worry about you,” she unexpectedly declared, the kindness on her face startling Brian. He blinked before looking away.

  
  


“I’m fine,” he weakly denied, but even to him, his words felt like a lie.

  
  


“The fuck you are,” Debbie retorted forcibly. “Listen,” she softened. “I know Justin leaving you feels like the word has come to an end.”

  
  


“You don’t know how I feel,” Brian cut her off sharply, although her words sounded too much like the truth.

  
  


“Brian,” she called and waited until he turned to gaze at her before resuming, “Justin is gone. But you’re going to be a father. This kid will need you alive. Not dead in a gutter somewhere.” 

  
  


It was obvious that Michael had told her about his latest exploits. Brian knew his best friend was deeply worried about him. And truthfully, Brian couldn’t blame him for being scared, because he sometimes frightened himself with his own behavior.

  
  


“This kid doesn’t have a dad.” Brian countered.

  
  


“Of course he does!” Debbie exclaimed. “I know you’re afraid, that you never wanted to be a dad and, knowing where you come from and what you’ve been through, I understand why you feel that way. But you’re not your dad.”

  
  


“How can you know?” Brian questioned, hating how vulnerable she made him feel. “How can you know that I won’t fuck this kid up like my father did with me?”

  
  


Debbie cupped Brian’s cheeks in her hands then. She smiled at him before professing, “Because I know you. You’re  _ nothing _ like your dad, you hear me?” She released his face and added vehemently, “He was an insufferable, bitter, fucking piece of shit. If he was still the man he used to be, I assure you I would beat the shit out of him for hurting you like he did.” she concluded, looking quite upset.

  
  


Brian chuckled. “That almost makes me want him to still be the man he used to be, so that I could come and watch you try.”

  
  


“Try?” Debbie huffed. “Oh, believe me, I would do more than try. And...I will never forgive myself for what that man did to you.”

  
  


“Debbie… Don’t start with the guilty shit. Believe me, nothing good does ever come out of it,” Brian responded, surprising himself when he realized he truly believed in his words. 

  
  


“I can say the same thing right back at you, kiddo,” Debbie replied as expected. “Don’t you think you’ve suffered enough? That you’ve punished yourself enough to last a lifetime?”

  
  


Brian snorted, but he didn’t answer. He started to roll his joint again.

  
  


“You need to let it go.” Debbie pushed. “And you also need to go and see your friend and make up with her,” she added, referring to Brian’s falling out with Lindsay. “She needs you. And you need her, too. So stop punishing yourself, okay? And listen to the grownups for a change.”

  
  


Brian laughed briefly, before reminding her, “I’m not a kid, Debbie.” He then moistened the rolling paper in his hands so that he could press it together with his fingers.

  
  


“You are to me.” Debbie countered with a gentle look, letting Brian know without saying it out loud that she considered him a son and loved him. Brian knew how she felt about him, but he sometimes forgot how big her heart was. 

  
  


“Jeez, Deb. I need to get high to listen to that kind of declaration.” Brian quipped as he eventually placed his joint between his lips and lit it. He’d always avoided his own and other people’s feelings, but if one person could see right through him when he did that, it was Michael’s mother.

  
  


“You know I love you like my own,” Debbie insisted.

  
  


Brian took a drag and peered at her, his eyes softening. “I know. I love you, too,” he finally allowed himself to respond, partly because he knew Debbie wouldn’t get off his back until he caved. A bigger part of him, however, wanted him to stop hiding behind his usual mask, even if it wouldn’t last.

  
  


She smiled kindly at him before stealing the joint from his hands. Brian stared at her, and barked out a laugh when she started to cough. “Fuck! That shit is strong,” she claimed.

  
  


Brian stole the joint back and inhaled deeply. “No, it’s not. You’re just out of practice.”

  
  


“Are you insinuating that I used to smoke pot?” Debbie questioned playfully, the gleam in her eyes giving her away.

  
  


“Your secret’s safe with me, Senorita,” Brian responded knowingly as he took another drag.

  
  


They stayed silent as they shared the joint. Eventually, as the pot soothed his nerves, Brian shared, “I know I’m being a shit, especially to Michael, these days.”

  
  


“You’re damn right about that. And the worst part is, you know that he would follow you to hell if you asked him,” Debbie reprimanded, before inquiring, “What does that tell you?” 

  
  


“That he should try BDSM?” Brian quipped with a raise of his eyebrow.

  
  


“Michael will try BDSM when you settle down with a wife and three kids in the suburbs.” Debbie responded with a straight face, making Brian chuckle.

  
  


“And we will both finish our days in Palm Springs eating Viagra like candy to try to get it up, with you as our personal cheerleader,” Brian countered playfully, as he finally crushed out his joint in the ashtray on the coffee table, waving away the lingering smoke with his hand. 

  
  


“Smartass,” Debbie laughed, before sobering up. “Michael loves you, Brian. I love you. And we’re not the only ones,” she professed, wanting for Brian to finally acknowledge that he wasn’t alone.

  
  


“Well, maybe you shouldn’t,” Brian responded instantly.

  
  


“Oh, for fuck’s sake...when are you going to fucking grow a pair?” Debbie suddenly barked, obviously upset.

  
  


“Excuse me?” Brian snarled.

  
  


“Dealing with your shit is a thousand times more difficult than drowning your sorrows in booze and sex. Fuck, Brian, I know your father was a shithead, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to fuck up your life! And it certainly doesn’t allow you to reject your kid; or do you want him to feel the same way about you as you did about your father? Is that the life you want for your child? To grow up with the conviction that his dad didn’t love him enough and instead preferred to forget all about him?” Debbie exclaimed, each one of her words reaching deep inside Brian, who felt himself suffocating under the weight of the truth. “And what about Lindsay?” Debbie continued, “she loves you, too! Does she deserve to suffer from your inability to deal with a situation you’ve caused? Or, did I miss something, and you didn’t actually fuck her?”

  
  


Brian winced. Fuck, she was right, so fucking right.

  
  


The only problem was, regardless of whether his friends were right about a lot of things, Brian somehow failed at doing what he needed to do. It wasn’t anything new. Even when he was a teenager, his parents had always claimed that he never listened to anyone but himself, although at the time, Brian acting like a prick had been the only weapon he’d had to make them notice he was there.

  
  


But while he couldn’t care less about his folks’ opinion as he had disobeyed them on purpose to get their attention and to make them pay for a loveless life , it wasn’t fair of him to act as if he didn’t care about his friends’ feelings. Because he did. They were only trying to help him the best they could and, yes, most of the time, Brian was annoyed that they felt like they needed to interfere in his life; but the truth was, he was grateful that they cared enough to do it in the first place.

  
  


Debbie’s words therefore resonated in his head.  _ Do you want ‘him’ to feel the same way you did with your father? _

  
  


God, no. He didn’t want that. 

  
  


_ Wait a minute…  _ “It’s a boy?” Brian suddenly asked as he peered over at her, his voice cracking slightly when he realized that Debbie had never referred to the baby as a she.

  
  


Debbie’s gaze softened as a smile appeared on her lips. “Yes. You’re going to have a son,” she confirmed.

  
  


Brian blinked. 

  
  


It was real. He was going to become a father to a son he had planned never to meet, since he thought that was the best way to protect the child. But, he was beginning to realize that he wasn’t doing it for the child, he was doing it for himself. Because he was scared.

  
  


Well, maybe it was time that he actually listened and put his life back on track. He could at least try. Justin had believed in him, claiming that he could welcome this child into his life. He had left him because Brian had let the memory of his own father frighten and overwhelm him. Fuck, Brian couldn’t believe he’d gone that far the night Justin had decided that he’d had enough. Thinking about it still hurt so much, and Brian wasn’t sure he would ever forgive himself for letting his demons win over his love for Justin.

  
  


But maybe...who knew? Maybe Debbie and Justin were right. Maybe he would be a better father that he thought he would. His demons didn’t have to win in the end. 

  
  


They’d taken Justin, but Brian could still stop them from stealing his son away from him and ever triumphing again.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to Karynn (Eureka1) for being the other half of my brain :)  
> I won’t be able to work on this story for the next couple of weeks. But I indent to finish this story for the end of this year. We’re close to the end, now.  
> And of course, thank you for your support, kudos and comments!


	35. Hug me, hold me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Present: November / December 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Karynn for being so awesome :)

 

**_November 2014, four days later..._ **

  
  


Jesse spent the week trying to make amends with his friends. He visited Michael, Emmett, Ted, Lindsay, Debbie, and finally Justin.

  
  


However, Brian never called him. When Debbie invited him to a Friday night dinner at her home, Jesse hoped Brian would be there, but his former friend didn’t show up. Nobody spoke about his absence. Instead, they all pretended that everything was fine, just happy to reconnect with each other after so long.

  
  


Everybody was there with their partners, except Justin who had come alone. Michael had arrived with Ben, Emmett with Drew, Ted with Blake, and Lindsay with Melanie and the kids. Even Debbie had someone in her life now, and Jesse was amazed and thankful for everyone’s obvious happiness. Moreover, Carl seemed to be a good man whose main purpose was to make Debbie happy. Jesse missed Vic, though and, once again, he silently questioned his inner self as to why he had stayed away for so long.

  
  


“This is so wonderful!” Debbie gushed, once they were all sitting around her dinner table, enjoying her famous lasagna. “First Justin, now Jesse and Aaron! I’m so grateful that you’re with us tonight,” she declared, her voice filled with emotion as she raised her glass before blowing a kiss to Jesse, her eyes shining with joy.

  
  


“Debbie,” Emmett smiled, trying to appear strong. But, of course, he broke down as soon as Jesse looked at him. “I couldn’t agree more!” his voice quivered as Ted patted him on the back, while Drew wiped away a tear from his cheek with his thumb. Leaning across the table, Jesse grabbed his hand briefly.

  
  


“Emmett’s right,” Lindsay concurred, Gus sitting on her lap, while Jenny Rebecca rested in Ben’s arms. “It’s wonderful for us to be all together,” she smiled and looked at Michael, who nodded at her but avoided Jesse’s gaze. Of course, for Jesse’s sake, they were all purposely ignoring the fact that Brian wasn’t there. As much as Jesse wanted to appear unaffected by Brian’s absence, his friends’ reaction was solid proof that he couldn’t conceal his true feelings.

  
  


Jesse took Aaron’s hand. “We’re happy to be here. Alice is already pushing me to postpone our leaving tomorrow.”

  
  


“She just doesn’t want to go back to school on Monday,” Aaron volunteered with a chuckle.

  
  


“Dad!” Alice scowled and pushed Aaron’s shoulder, earning a laugh from the whole group.

  
  


They ate, laughter filling the air, as they recalled memories from the past. After finishing his dessert, Jesse stood up to join Gus, who had moved to the living room and was now drawing on the coffee table. 

  
  


Jesse had met Gus two days before, when he had gone to Lindsay’s house. He had been amazed to find out about Brian becoming a father, but when Justin had later described Brian’s relationship with his son - Jesse had met with the blond on Thursday evening - Jesse hadn’t been surprised. Now that he had met him though, he couldn’t help but be moved by this little boy. He was the spitting image of his father, reminding Jesse once more of how much he missed his friend.

  
  


“What are you drawing?” Jesse inquired, as he came to sit on the floor next to Gus.

  
  


“It’s a Christmas tree.” Gus responded, as he dropped his green pencil and grabbed the red one.

  
  


“It’s beautiful,” Jesse complimented, looking at the paper. 

  
  


Gus peered up at Jesse and declared out of the blue, “I know you. You’re the man in the picture with my Dad and my Uncle Michael when they were younger. The one he kept hidden in his desk at home.”

  
  


Jesse’s heart skipped a beat. He stared at Brian’s son, but no words came out.

  
  


Gus continued, unaware of Jesse’s feelings over this declaration. “You’re a friend of my dad?”

  
  


“I…” Jesse didn’t know how to respond. Was he Brian’s friend? He wanted to be. Fuck, he wanted to be Brian’s friend so much. “Yes. We went to high school together, with your Uncle Michael.”

  
  


“That’s cool,” Gus replied as only a seven-year-old could, forgetting all about his question and refocusing on his drawing.

  
  


Jesse smiled and rubbed Gus’s back briefly before standing up and heading towards the back door. He needed a moment on his own, so he stepped outside to enjoy the cool night of Debbie’s backyard. However, he didn’t stay alone for long. 

  
  


“Hey,” Justin called to his friend as he appeared on the porch.

  
  


Jesse smiled a little at hearing Justin’s voice, but he didn’t respond, nor did he gaze back at his friend. 

  
  


Justin felt Jesse’s inner sadness over Brian’s absence. Jesse was on the stairs leading to the backyard, his right foot resting one stair down from where he was sitting, his other leg stretched out in front of him. His gaze was unfocused as he rubbed his thigh absently. He seemed lost in thought. Justin stared at him for a long moment before eventually coming to sit next to him. 

  
  


Justin’s voice broke the quiet night surrounding them. “He will come around eventually,” he declared softly.

  
  


Jesse gazed at his friend. He didn’t need Justin to specify who he was talking about. However, he wasn’t so sure about Brian accepting him in his life again.  He had been at first, but now he was beginning to realize the extent of his decision to cut Brian out of his life after the stabbing. Seeing everyone after so long had opened his eyes. It wasn’t about anything they’d said, but more about what they didn’t share. No one questioned Brian’s decision not to be there. No one spoke about him at all in Jesse’s presence. When Jesse had interrogated Michael, Emmett, even Debbie, they’d all avoided answering him. Jesse therefore wasn’t as optimistic about the future as he had been when he’d seen Brian. He knew Brian still cared about him, but caring and allowing the man who had rejected him to be a part of his life again were two entirely different things. 

  
  


Justin was the only one willing to talk about Brian at all. “How can you be so sure about it? Everybody else think it’s too late...” Jesse finally answered Justin’s statement, surmising that his other friends’ silence could only mean that Brian would not give Jesse another chance.

  
  


Justin responded with a shrug. “You know Brian. He always needs to get all the attention, even when he isn’t there,” he quipped before sobering up when Jesse didn't react. “You can’t expect for him to forget everything so fast.”

  
  


“I know.” Jesse agreed. Hell, he was wondering if Brian would forgive his leaving him at all.

  
  


“It will be okay. You’ll see.” Justin asserted calmly.

  
  


Jesse peered at his friend again, noticing how serene Justin appeared. Justin seemed so sure they would find each other again. Jesse could only hope that he was right. Also, he hadn’t questioned Justin’s relationship with Brian until now, but he had a feeling they weren’t just friends anymore. “You and Brian…” he began, before hesitating.

  
  


Justin raised one eyebrow at him, waiting for him to specify what he wanted to know.

  
  


Jesse took a deep breath. “You seem… I don’t know how to say it. Like you’re in a very good place right now. You’re back together?”

  
  


Justin was indeed surprised Jesse hadn’t inquired about his relationship with his former best friend sooner. Besides, until now, Justin had neither denied nor confirmed being involved with Brian in Jesse’s presence. So, he had been expecting Jesse's question. “We are,” he responded simply.

  
  


Jesse nodded. “You’re happy?” he asked.

  
  


Justin smiled genuinely at Jesse’s interrogation. He couldn’t help it. Every time he thought about Brian since they’d first made love a few days earlier, he felt like he was nineteen again, standing in Brian’s arms on the edge of the roof at Emmett’s apartment building and falling in love. It was the best feeling in the world.

  
  


That smile was all the response Jesse needed. 

  
  


Justin didn’t reply, but after a moment, he gripped Jesse’s hand. “Jesse,” he began, “Brian will come to you in his own time. I know he will. Just be patient, okay?”

  
  


Jesse squeezed Justin’s hand. “Okay.” 

  
  


Justin nodded at him before standing up, leaving his friend alone. When Jesse reentered Debbie’s house ten minutes later, Justin was gone, probably to join Brian. Jesse smiled softly at the thought. 

  
  


Jesse flew back to Baltimore the next day. He would be back for Christmas, as he and Aaron had made plans to spend the holidays with his brother Jacob, whom Jesse hadn’t seen nearly enough lately. He also secretly hoped to see Brian then. He didn’t want to give up on his desire to make things right with his former best friend, although he needed to be patient. Jesse just wished fervently that Justin was right and that it wasn’t too late. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**_A month later, December 2014, Wednesday night, Brian’s loft…_ **

  
  


Brian was alone. Justin was busy working with Michael on their new comic, yet the blond had told Brian that he would stop by in the evening, although Brian doubted it. He knew how passionate the two men both felt about their work, so he wouldn’t be surprised if they’d lost track of time and forgotten about the outside world.

  
  


Lying in his bed and staring at the ceiling, Brian welcomed the silence. To say that the past few weeks had been intense would be an understatement. But Brian felt peaceful, surprisingly so. 

  
  


He had a father, one that loved and respected him. Brian hadn’t felt that way before, not really, no matter that he had been a part of his father’s life for seven years. During those years, Brian had hidden his feelings from Jack, hanging on to his resentment. He had behaved more like Jack’s dad than his son. Truthfully, Brian had never considered that Jack could take his place as a father in his life. But surprisingly, that day when he had run off to the forest, when Brian had searched for him with Justin, the brunet had felt a shift in their relationship, a change that he could never have predicted before. 

  
  


Justin was back, too. Brian still had to come to a decision regarding Jesse, but having Justin back in his life… Brian wouldn’t have thought that it would feel so right. He had always laughed at the notion of ‘belonging’. Even when he had been involved with Justin all those years ago, the thought had felt almost ridiculous. Every time he had come across a guy who professed his undying love to his other half and swore that they belonged to one another, Brian had made a cruel remark, reducing the heartfelt statement to a pathetic display of sentimentality. Once, he had gone as far as fucking a man whose ‘soulmate’ was celebrating in the next room at a party, in order to demonstrate that what the guy had asserted was utter bullshit.

  
  


Now, though, Brian couldn’t find another word when he thought about Justin. He couldn’t believe that Justin had been willing to give him another chance after the way Brian had treated him. Justin had always been able to see past his bullshit, but the depth of his feelings was extraordinary. After so long, when Brian had protected himself and rejected Justin at first, the blond still hadn’t backed down. Why, if not because they belonged to each other?

  
  


Brian snorted. He was so pathetic. And the worst part was that he didn’t give a damn. If being pathetic meant that he could be loved by a man like Justin, then so be it. Brian had grown up in a house devoid of love, but now, he had a son, a dad, friends, and a partner who loved him. And Brian was fucking grateful for them. He couldn’t imagine being in a better place in his life. For the first time, he felt happy, lucky even, like everything was as it should be. Almost everything.

 

“Brian?” Justin’s voice penetrated his thoughts. Brian looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was ten-thirty. He then gazed up and discovered Justin staring at him from the top of the stairs leading to his bedroom.

  
  


Brian grinned at Justin, straightening up. “What are you doing here? I thought you’d be working with Michael tonight.” 

  
  


“It’s half-past ten,” Justin snorted.

  
  


“And?” Brian raised an eyebrow. 

  
  


Justin stepped closer to the bed, before beginning to crawl towards Brian. “And…” he responded seductively. “I needed something Michael couldn’t provide.”

  
  


Brian chuckled as he leaned back, just as Justin’s lips found his neck. “Oh...” he breathed out, feeling Justin’s fingers beginning to unbutton his jeans.

  
  


“It’s a good thing you gave me that key to the loft so that I could stop by once in a while,” Justin whispered in Brian’s ear, before placing small kisses on his face, as his hand disappeared inside Brian’s pants.

  
  


“One of the best decisions I’ve made lately,” Brian confirmed with a gasp as Justin began to slowly stroke his dick through his underwear.

  
  


“One of?” Justin inquired mischievously, stopping his movements.

  
  


Brian stared at him and didn’t respond. His eyes turned dark as he slipped his fingers through Justin’s hair, before forcing Justin onto his back, his body covering the blond’s. He grabbed both Justin’s wrists and placed his hands above his head. He began to caress his side and lifted up his shirt. 

  
  


Justin’s eyes were locked with Brian’s. They didn’t need to speak. Brian kept staring at Justin for long seconds, his fingers grazing the blond’s ribs, before leaning in slowly, almost hesitantly. He paused, his gaze reflecting his feelings for his lover, and finally placed his lips on Justin’s. 

  
  


The kiss was slow, but its intensity was out of the world. They leisurely took off each other’s clothes. Soon, they were naked, relishing every touch, every kiss. Every gasp and moan. 

  
  


When Justin reached for a condom, Brian stopped him. He took the condom from his hands. He opened it with his teeth and rolled it onto Justin’s cock. The blond gasped at his touch. 

  
  


Justin pushed Brian, whose gaze hadn’t left Justin’s face, onto his back. When Justin’s hand disappeared between Brian’s asscheeks, the brunet breathed heavily. It’d been so long since he’d allowed anyone to be inside of him, but he wanted Justin so badly that he now craved the feeling of his thrusts.

  
  


The connection they felt as Justin eventually pushed inside Brian, facing him, one of the brunet’s legs resting on Justin’s shoulder, was incredible. Brian cried out as he felt Justin’s dick move further inside him. 

  
  


“Stay,” Brian demanded when Justin was finally buried deeply inside him.

  
  


Justin stilled and they rested in each other’s arms for a moment, just savoring the feeling of being so close. Justin eventually leaned back to gaze at Brian. 

  
  


Brian placed his hand on his face and caressed his cheek. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispered. Justin felt his heart skip a beat and smiled.

  
  


Brian eventually began to move his hips in circles under Justin, who dropped his head onto Brian’s neck at the sudden pleasure he felt. He couldn’t take it.

  
  


Brian forced his lover to straighten up. He needed to look into Justin’s eyes.

  
  


Justin started to move, coming out before pushing back in. He grunted. He did it again, feeling completely overwhelmed by his love for this man and by the pleasure rushing through him.

  
  


Brian was moving with him. 

  
  


Justin’s thrusts became shorter, harder. Brian moaned loudly as Justin changed his angle. “God!” He cried out.

  
  


Justin felt his orgasm build. Brian was looking at him, his mouth open, his eyes blissfully glassy. “Wait,” Brian breathed unexpectedly as Justin slowed down. 

  
  


Justin stilled, then. He stared at his lover, as his cock throbbed inside the heat of his ass. He leaned in, kissed Brian, deeply, and kept kissing him until Brian’s moans took on a greater urgency. He kept kissing Brian to the point of insanity as the brunet was now trying desperately to make Justin fuck him. Justin resisted, his cock barely moving as Brian squirmed underneath him, doing all he could to make his companion cave in, completely driven by his lust.

  
  


“Justin,” Brian begged as Justin released his lips. Justin waited until Brian’s gaze was focused on him before moving again, Brian releasing a sigh of relief as he did. Justin held his gaze as he pounded inside his lover more fervently, until he couldn’t help but thrust, barely withdrawing, over and over again. His body was covered in sweat. 

  
  


As much as Justin wanted to keep his eyes open, he couldn’t. He plunged inward some more and finally moaned loudly as his cock exploded deep inside Brian, experiencing one of the best orgasms of his life.

  
  


Justin’s breathing was ragged when he opened his eyes. Brian was staring at him with a blissful expression on his face, while stroking his cock. As soon as Justin made eye contact, covering Brian’s hand on his dick with his own, Brian threw his head back and cried out as he came too, Justin’s dick still buried inside him.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**_The next morning, Thursday…_ **

  
  


Brian and Justin woke up early. They took advantage of the spare time they had before going to work to have a long, leisurely shower, where Brian fucked Justin senseless before giving him a blowjob.

  
  


Brian had barely fucked anyone else than Justin in a month. It’s not that he had planned for it to happen. It just kind of had.

  
  


Justin was with him almost all the time. They mainly slept at the loft and also stayed at Justin’s apartment once in a while. They’d gone to Babylon a few times. The third time they’d been there together, Brian had received a lousy blowjob while Justin had been busy fucking a guy he had been dancing with. Three days ago, they’d engaged in a threesome with some guy they had met at the gym. It was fun, or it should have been, but Brian hadn’t enjoyed it as much as he’d thought he would. Of course, being the annoying shit that he always had been, Justin had surmised that Brian wasn’t as cool with them fucking around as he had always claimed to be. 

  
  


“You really want me to say it out loud, don’t you?” Brian inquired as he soaped his lover’s back, after Justin had questioned him about engaging in a foursome with a couple they’d met a few days earlier at Babylon, and who had offered to meet them at the baths that Thursday night.

  
  


“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Justin responded, sighing happily when Brian soaped his shoulders before gently massaging them. Of course, he knew exactly what Brian was talking about.

  
  


“Fucking twat,” Brian retorted, before forcing Justin to turn around under the water so that he could look at him. He stared at his partner, pursing his lips. Justin raised his eyebrows. Brian responded with a roll of his eyes, but he finally declared, “I’m not interested.”

  
  


“Oh?” Justin’s lips turned upward, making Brian chuckle. He spanked him playfully before turning off the water, and the two men exited the shower stall.

  
  


Brian grabbed a towel and dried Justin’s hair, as  the young man took care of his body. Then, Brian dried himself and tucked the white towel around his waist. Once they had both positioned themselves in front of the bathroom sink, Brian caught Justin’s gaze in the mirror before leaning over to whisper into Justin’s ear, “I don’t want to share you.” He straightened up and peered down at his lover, waiting for Justin’s response.

  
  


Justin barely concealed his astonishment at Brian’s declaration, but as he turned to look up at the brunet, he pretended to be completely fine with it and quipped, “I perfectly understand you. I’m so much better than everyone else.”

  
  


“Not wanting to share you doesn’t mean that I’m becoming as stupid as straight guys, you know…” Brian huffed, before exclaiming half-seriously, looking up briefly at the ceiling to express his gratitude in a jesting tone, “Thank you merciful God for making me a hot gay man with a huge cock!”

  
  


“At least, you’re still an arrogant shit,” Justin laughed.

  
  


“That I am,” Brian smirked, before sobering up. He leaned closer to Justin’s face, placing his hand on his lover’s neck, and declared, “But when we’re together…I want us to be...together. I can always fuck guys when we’re not.” Brian raised his eyebrows to accentuate his point, but he didn’t elaborate any further. Eventually, he stepped back and went to hang up his towel before grabbing a clean pair of underwear.

  
  


Justin kept looking at Brian. He wasn’t sure that the brunet really realized what he was implying. Surely he would soon want to go out and fuck guys as he always had before. Truthfully, the thought that he wouldn’t was almost scary to Justin. Although, except for work, Brian spent all his time with him, Gus, Jack, or his friends these days. “You do realize we practically spend all our free time together lately?” Justin inquired as Brian left the room to select a suit from his closet.

  
  


“Yeah. So?” Brian shouted from the bedroom, unfazed.

  
  


Justin waited for Brian to walk back into the bathroom - he had put his pants on - and to come back to him. Brian was about to pick up his razor, but Justin grabbed Brian’s arm, making the man stare into his eyes. “You love to fuck.”

  
  


“You noticed?” Brian quipped smugly, finally taking out the shaving cream from the cabinet below the sink.

  
  


Justin smiled briefly at Brian’s silly reply, but it didn’t stop him from voicing his opinion, “You know what I mean. Fucking is like a religion to you. It’s a part of who you are.”

  
  


Brian stilled, the shaving cream unopened in his hands. Justin cursed himself, fearing that Brian would close off now that he had voiced this truth out loud. But it was the truth. Brian loved sex. Justin had understood a long time ago that it had nothing to do with him. Sex was Brian’s way to say to the world, “I’m queer. I’m proud. And if you don’t like it, just fuck off”. It was his way to feel alive and to be true to himself.

  
  


“Justin…” Brian’s voice interrupted his thoughts. The brunet put the shaving cream on the sink and gazed at him. “If I want to fuck guys, I will. But wanting to be with you and therefore not fuck anyone else but you doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on who I am. If it makes you feel better, I can promise you I will keep on doing my duty to the queer community once in a while, but you also know I never do what I don’t want to do. And right now, what I want is to be with you. It’s as simple as that.”

  
  


“So, you’re not doing it because you think I want you to?” Justin asked, furrowing his brow.

  
  


“You really think that? Since when do I do things for anyone but myself?” Brian responded seriously. He then engulfed Justin in his arms, sliding his fingers slowly through his hair, as he whispered wholeheartedly, “These days, the only man I want is you.  Deal with it and shut up.”

  
  


Justin tightened his arms around Brian before using his lips to demonstrate how grateful he really was that Brian could be so selfish.

  
  


They both ended up late for work.

  
  


* * *

  
  


On Thursday afternoon, Justin received a call from Brian asking him if he wanted to go on a trip.

  
  


“Sure. Where?” Justin pretended to be totally cool about it (he really wanted to jump up and down - Brian had never asked him on a trip) as he clicked on the computer mouse. He was sitting at his desk at work, trying to finish a project he needed to submit to his boss in a couple of hours.

  
  


“You’ll see. Can you take the day off tomorrow?” Brian avoided responding to Justin’s question, making the blond even more curious.

  
  


“I think it should be okay. Let me check with my boss and I will call you back.” Justin answered. “But you need to call your dad.”

  
  


“Why?” Brian asked absently. He was obviously working on some paperwork, as Justin could hear some pages rustling.

  
  


“You promised him we would go with Gus to Jamie’s to eat burgers this weekend, remember?” Justin reminded Brian.

  
  


“Shit! I forgot…” Brian exclaimed. “I need to call Lindsay to see if we can go tonight. I’m not sure what time we will be back on Sunday. But I don’t want to deal with my father’s whining if we don’t go.”

  
  


“So, we’re taking a two-day trip?” Justin inquired.

  
  


“Yeah. Plane’s at eight-fifty tomorrow morning. We need to leave the loft at seven-thirty,” Brian confirmed, before announcing as an afterthought, “You’re sleeping at my place tonight.”

  
  


“Yes, Sir.” Justin laughed at Brian’s behavior. The man was a control freak. “I will call you in a few to confirm that I can go with you,” Justin announced, before ending the call.

  
  


Several hours later, Justin met Brian, Gus, and Jack at Jamie’s. He’d ended up working late so that he could have the next day off. Jack beamed at him as soon as Justin entered the crowded, lively place. 

  
  


“Justin!” Jack stood up from the counter where the three Kinney men were waiting for their table to be ready and headed towards Justin to give him one of his famous hugs. Gus followed Jack and, soon, Justin was surrounded by two very giving people and could barely breathe, while Brian looked at the scene from the stool he was sitting on with a huge grin on his face. 

  
  


Brian finally took pity on Justin and stood up too, freeing Justin from his two assailants. “Let him breathe,” he demanded, as he grabbed Justin’s jacket and pulled his partner to him to kiss him hello.

  
  


Justin was grinning like a fool. Eventually, he leaned back and reminded Brian, “Your father and son are standing right behind you.”

  
  


“So what? Gus has long been traumatized by having two lesbians raise him, and I bet Jack is performing one of his tribal dances right now.” Brian smirked, placing his arm around Justin’s shoulder. He turned around and sure enough, Jack was rolling his hips as he shifted from one foot to another, with Gus looking at him with a baffled frown on his face.

  
  


“What is Grandpa doing?” Gus inquired.

  
  


“He is expressing his joy at being here with us,” Justin responded before Brian could say anything.

  
  


Pointing to Jack, Brian said, “I don’t know him,” to a woman who was looking at them with a funny expression on her face. 

  
  


“Dad!” Gus rolled his eyes at Brian, and Justin had to giggle as he looked so much like his dad in moments like this.

  
  


“What?” Brian responded innocently. The waiter chose that exact moment to come to inform them that their table was ready, saving Brian from having to explain himself to his son.

  
  


They had a great evening together, although Brian scowled - as usual - when he had no other choice but to order a burger and eat it to please his dad and his son. Jack had asked for a triple patty in his and didn’t let anyone order anything but a burger with fries. Gus was all for it of course. Jack hated salad, and Brian remembered that time when Jack had sulked for hours because Brian had ordered a tomato mozzarella salad instead of a burger for himself. Since that day, Brian hadn’t dared ask for even a side plate of lettuce in his father’s presence.

  
  


Jack and Gus finished their meal and began drawing on the paper placemats, where a lot of figures could be colored with the pencils placed at each table. Jamie’s was a family-friendly restaurant, made for children to have a good time. Justin knew Brian hated it, but he couldn’t resist his son and his father when they both wanted to come here. 

  
  


Justin was amused by the three Kinney men’s antics. Truthfully, they were all pretty adorable together, although Justin would never voice that thought aloud. He valued his life too much for that - especially his sex life - and he was pretty sure that if he ever dared to qualify Brian as adorable, he would be deprived of his lover’s superb blowjobs for at least a decade.

  
  


They eventually drove a sleepy Gus back home a little after nine, before going to the Institute. Jack was humming during the whole ride in the car. Brian and Justin helped him to his room and were about to say goodbye when Jack unexpectedly asked them to stay a little longer so that he could show them something. He then asked them to follow him to the other side of the room.

  
  


Jack was shifting from one foot to another as the two men both discovered the painting resting on the floor against the wall by Jack’s bed, as if waiting to be hung.

  
  


Jack had recently joined a painting group at the Institute, and he was very eager to have Brian and Justin’s opinion on his first piece. It was a quite large canvas of two silhouettes, and Brian’s breath caught in his throat as he somehow recognized his father and himself, sitting on a bed surrounded by trees and birds. The painting wasn’t very detailed, yet Brian blinked, suddenly overwhelmed by a foreign emotion. Justin, too, seemed mesmerized by it. 

  
  


“Jack, it’s…” Justin didn’t know what word to use. He was speechless. The painting in itself wasn’t very well executed. The creator’s lack of experience and the choices of the colors could be considered by some people as detrimental to the desired result. But against all odds, the final effect was astonishing. 

  
  


“It’s amazing,” Brian supplied once he had recovered his voice. 

  
  


Jack smiled at him. Brian was ready for his father to jump into his arms and completely lose it now that his son had officially given him his approval, but Jack surprised him when he simply replied, “It’s for you.”

  
  


Brian gave his father a quizzical look. “What?”

  
  


Jack repeated, “I did it for you. As one of the many presents I should have given you during all those years when I wasn’t there.”

  
  


Brian swallowed. He had to clear his throat to stop his current feelings for this man - his father - from making him act like a fool. He peered at Justin, his gaze lingering on his face. As Justin nodded imperceptibly, Brian walked to Jack and, after a slight hesitation, he enveloped him in a hug. 

  
  


Jack didn’t react at first. He was too dumbfounded that his son had initiated a hug with him. Brian had never done that before, not once. But as soon as Jack realized that Brian was squeezing him hard, murmuring in his ear a heartfelt “Thank you, Dad”, Jack hugged him back and didn’t let his son go for a long time.

 

* * *

  
  


**_Friday, Baltimore, 9:55 a.m…_ **

  
  


Brian and Justin disembarked from the Boeing 737, mingling with the flow of hurried travelers walking through the jet bridge. They didn’t talk. Brian paused when they finally arrived at the entrance to the airport a few minutes later, and Justin placed his hand on the small on Brian’s back as a silent gesture of support before hailing a cab.

  
  


Justin hadn’t been really surprised when he had discovered their destination. Brian was finally ready to face Jesse, and he was doing it on his own terms. To know that his partner wanted him by his side was comforting, though. In fact, although Justin had always known Brian would eventually make up his mind to see Jesse, he was surprised that Brian wanted him to be there. But most of all, he was happy.

  
  


Brian followed Justin into the cab and gave the driver the address of their hotel. Justin’s eyes went wide when Brian announced that they were staying at the Four Seasons in the harbour district. The blond was even more astonished when, after a forty-five-minute drive, he discovered their elegant suite, with a spectacular view over the water.

  
  


Brian tipped the bellman and stared at his ass as he left the room. Justin couldn’t help but smile at Brian’s boldness. The brunet shrugged off his coat and removed his gloves and his scarf before heading towards the back of the room to admire the view from the large, floor-to-ceiling windows. He threw his leather coat, black gloves, and silk scarf on the nearby sofa.

  
  


Justin came to stand beside Brian. “So...what’s the schedule for the day?”

  
  


Brian cleared his throat. “I’m going to see Jesse. The Stern House is at a ten-minute ride from here.” Brian had checked out the place on the net thanks to the card Jesse had given him.

  
  


“Okay,” Justin nodded, looking through the bay windows at the harbour.

  
  


Brian moved to face Justin. “You’re coming with me?”

  
  


“You want me to? Don’t you want to be alone with him?” Justin asked quizzically.

  
  


“I…” Brian opened his mouth and closed it. Justin could tell this was hard for Brian.

  
  


“Does Jesse know you’re there?” Justin questioned.

  
  


“No.” Brian shook his head.

  
  


“Okay. What do you think about me going with you to make sure you behave like a human being with him? If you do, I will leave you two alone.”

  
  


“You think I’m that uncivilised?” Brian scoffed playfully.

  
  


“I think you’re scared.” Justin responded genuinely. Brian rolled his lips under before blinking once, confirming Justin’s assumption.

  
  


The brunet took a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s do this,” he announced with a fake smile and stepped sideways to grab his coat.

  
  


“Hey,” Justin touched Brian’s arm. Brian peered at him with a frown as he wrapped his scarf around his neck. “It’s going to be okay.”

  
  


Brian huffed. “We’ll see. And if it doesn’t go as planned, we can always enjoy…” Brian picked up a hotel brochure from the coffee table, “...a personalized evening experience where exclusive late night access is given to enjoy the spa facilities.” The brunet then smirked at Justin and added, “I’m sure I will love the ‘personalized’ part you can provide even better.”

  
  


Justin chuckled. “At least, you have your priorities straight.”

  
  


“I always have my priorities straight.” Brian drawled. He then frowned and asked, “Speaking of which, maybe we should fuck first? To relieve any pressure I might be feeling right now. There…” He pressed Justin’s hand to his dick.

  
  


“Cut it out!” Justin laughed, as he snapped his hand out of Brian’s. “First, you go and talk to Jesse. Then, if you’re nice enough, I will see what I can do to help you release any unwelcome pressure you might be experiencing.”

  
  


Brian pretended to be offended, but he let his partner guide him out of their suite. Twenty minutes later, he was standing in front of the Stern House, staring at the door, Justin’s fingers entwined in his own.

 

* * *

 

Jesse was happy that the weekend was coming. The last few days had been challenging, as he had come close to losing one of his patients. One of the new boys, Rafael, had tried to kill himself the second day after moving in. The nurses had found him in the restroom with his veins cut, and he had been hospitalized ever since. 

  
  


Jesse had shared his time between the patients’ house and the hospital for the last three days. Rafael would need to pass some medical and psychological tests before being allowed to come back, and Jesse felt like he had failed the boy. Besides, he knew he would have to fight Stern for him to accept the boy’s return, but he wanted to try even if, realistically, he needed to speak with Rafael’s psychologist first. Coming back might not be the best solution for his patient and, as much as Jesse hated to think about it, he needed to consider all the teenager’s options.

  
  


He was currently catching up on his email in his office. His phone rang, and Jesse frowned when he saw that it was the reception desk. He didn’t have any appointments scheduled today, and it was already 11:40 a.m. 

  
  


“Yeah?” he responded curtly as he picked up the phone, his eyes back on his computer screen while he typed an email.

  
  


“Jesse?” Charles, the receptionist, responded. “You have some people here to see you. Brian Kinney and Justin… Taylor?”

  
  


Jesse’s fingers stilled on the keyboard. “I will be right there,” he breathed out, stunned by this announcement.

  
  


He hung up, rose from his chair, and remained frozen in place for a moment. Shaking his head, he finally moved from behind his desk towards the door of his office. Walking hastily into the corridor leading to the exit, he seemed calm, but he wasn’t. He took the stairs down to the first floor, dismissing the elevator, and finally arrived at the reception desk.

  
  


Jesse noticed Justin right away, but he didn’t see Brian. “Justin?” he called to the blond, who was facing away from the reception desk. Justin turned around when he heard Jesse’s voice and smiled at him. That’s when Jesse spotted Brian, who had been standing a few feet away, hidden by a large ficus.

  
  


Brian looked at him, but his eyes didn’t betray any emotion. Jesse therefore didn’t know how to react, and he had no other choice but to hang on on the knowledge that Brian had traveled all the way from Pittsburgh to see him.

  
  


“Brian. I’m… happy to see you,” Jesse stated genuinely as he stepped closer to his former best friend. He wanted to go to him, hug him, hold him - something - but he refrained.

  
  


“Yeah…” Brian’s voice sounded slightly broken as he cleared his throat. “So, you work here?” he asked as his eyes swept around the space they were standing in, noticing the light-blue, grey, and off-white walls, the large grey-tiled floor, and the myriad of colorful pictures adorning the walls.

  
  


“I do,” Jesse confirmed. “Want to take a tour?” he proposed. Truthfully, he didn’t really want to play tour guide, but he was so anxious that he couldn’t think of anything else to suggest.

  
  


“Sure,” Brian agreed absently. Jesse didn’t move, though, as if he hadn’t heard Brian’s reply.

  
  


“Jesse?” Justin called.

  
  


Jesse blinked as he understood he had zoned out for a moment. “Jeez…” he cursed, before realizing that he had spoken out loud. Rubbing his neck nervously, he looked at Brian. The brunet was staring at him, obviously amused, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. 

  
  


“Come on,” Brian finally pushed Jesse as he started walking toward the stairs, but Justin stopped them, grabbing his lover’s hand.

  
  


“I’ll leave you two alone. Call me later, okay?” Justin announced, nodding at Jesse before placing a quick peck on Brian’s lips. He was about to turn around to leave, but Brian prevented him from doing so by pulling Justin back against him to give him a deeper kiss. When Brian eventually leaned back, he stared at his partner for a few seconds before releasing him from his grip, allowing him to walk away. Justin left, but Brian kept staring after him until he disappeared from his sight.

  
  


Jesse had witnessed the whole scene and he couldn’t help but feel warm inside, knowing that Brian was so much in love with Justin. He always had been, truthfully, but Jesse was happy because he could surmise that Brian had finally lowered his walls for good, allowing himself to love without being afraid.

  
  


Jesse was smiling when Brian turned around. 

  
  


Brian smiled back. “Okay,” he murmured. He walked to Jesse and placed his arm around his shoulders, guiding him towards the stairs. “Are you going to show me this place or what? I don’t have all day,” Brian drawled in a jesting tone, as Jesse smiled wider and pushed his friend away from him in a playful manner.

  
  


“You haven’t changed that much. It’s a relief,” Jesse quipped, feeling his inner tension dissipating. Brian’s teasing was familiar, comforting. 

  
  


“Right?” Brian smirked as he followed Jesse up the stairs. “But I still don’t know how you’ve managed to live without me for so long.”

  
  


“I don’t know either,” Jesse responded with a small grin, but as he arrived at the top of the stairs, his smile faded. He waited for Brian to stop at his side. When he did, Jesse swallowed and breathed heavily, before professing, “I will never let you down ever again.”

  
  


They shared a meaningful glance. Brian gazed at Jesse, stepping closer to his friend and whispering - the edge in his voice unmistakable, “You better hold onto that promise, or I will have your ass.”

  
  


Jesse raised his hand to cup Brian’s neck. Finally, he pulled him into his arms, enveloping his long-lost friend in a tight hug.

  
  


They didn’t move as Brian returned the hug. Jesse tried all he could not to cry, but he failed. Eventually, though, Brian declared softly, murmuring in Jesse’s ear, “You need to meet my dad. You and he will be best buddies in no time considering you’re obviously both set on hugging people until they suffocate.”

  
  


Jesse chuckled through his tears, and whispered an affectionate, “Fucker,” before hugging Brian even tighter.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and/or kudos are greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!


	36. In his smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Past: December 2006 / September 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** My endless gratitude to Karynn, who has editing this chapter so quickly with everything she has to face right now. You're amazing, my dear friend ***
> 
> After that chapter, there will be one more chapter in the present and an epilogue before we reach the end of this tale. I'm nostalgic. The past has revealed all its secrets. I need a hug...

 

**_December 2006, Lindsay and Melanie’s place..._ **

  


Brian approached the house wearily, trying to protect himself from the snow, which had started falling a couple of hours ago. Arriving on the porch, he took a moment to straighten his coat and chase the flakes from his hair. He remained still for a while, just looking at the door to Lindsay and Mel’s new home. Gazing down at his feet nervously, he sighed heavily and knocked. Then, he waited.

  


He heard a loud shout coming from inside the house and winced as he recognized Melanie’s voice. He hadn’t seen Lindsay’s girlfriend since he’d fucked his college friend, and he could already predict that she would not be pleased to see him. He couldn’t really blame her, considering he had fucked her partner and made her pregnant, before asking her to abort the child and shutting her out of his life.

  


Well, Melanie had always claimed that he was an asshole. He’d just proved her right.

  


Sure enough, as soon as Melanie opened the door, she snorted, glaring at him with a mixture of disbelief, disdain, and anger. “Brian Fucking Kinney,” she sneered, her hand staying on the doorknob. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  


“Is Lindsay here?” Brian avoided her question.

  


“Why? You actually want to talk to her?” Melanie snarled. She then barked sarcastically, “What do you want from her? Surely you’re not here to apologize for being the biggest dick on this planet, and I’m not talking about your inches!”

  


“Actually, that’s exactly why I’m here,” Brian responded calmly, not reacting to Melanie’s harsh tone. He didn’t want to fight. Sure, he barely could stand her with her petty judgemental bullshit and her supercilious attitude, but he also knew that she had overlooked Lindsay’s mistake and was supporting her in having his child, which couldn’t be easy.

  


Melanie seemed taken aback by Brian’s reply. Her glare turned questioning, and Brian was relieved when she caved in, opening the door and letting him into the entryway. It was fucking cold outside.

  


“What’s this?” she asked him, pointing at the bag he had brought with him.

  


“It’s for Lindsay,” he answered, before specifying, “for the baby.”

  


Melanie raised her eyebrows. “You’ve finally decided to become a decent human being?” she inquired derisively, but Brian could also see that she was pleasantly surprised, even if she hid it as best as she could.

  


“I know. I’m shocked, too,” Brian jested, as he put the bag on the floor near the staircase. “Where is Lindsay?” he finally asked.

  


“In the hospital,” Melanie revealed, staring at Brian to gauge his reaction.

  


“What?” Brian immediately interjected, his concern evident.

  


“Don’t worry, she’s fine. She just had a little hypertension and had to be monitored to make sure everything was alright. She should be back home by tomorrow. I was just stopping by to get some clothes for her, actually.”

  


“Fuck,” Brian whispered.

  


“You would have known if you hadn’t behaved like a shithead for the past six months,” Melanie stated pointedly, seeing no reason to spare his feelings.

  


“I already had a lecture from Debbie. So you can save your breath; I know I fucked up,” Brian declared solemnly.

  


“Do you?” Melanie asked a bit skeptically. Frowning, she specified, “Do you have any idea how much pain you’ve caused?”

  


Brian glared at her. “Yes. Yes, I know. But I’m here, aren’t I? Better late than never, right? Or, maybe you would have preferred for me to stay away for good,” he drawled. He might want to apologize to Lindsay as well as respecting Melanie for eventually choosing to stand by her partner, but he really didn’t care to justify himself to the brunette.

  


Melanie chuckled bitterly. “Well, for a reason I still can’t decipher, Lindsay loves you. I wish she didn’t, because it would make my life so much easier. But no; I not only had to accept the fact that she had cheated on me with the biggest slut I know, but I also had to deal with her depression over you shutting her out. So yes, Brian. I would have preferred for you not to be in her life, now or ever,” she declared bluntly.

  


“But she loves me,” Brian countered, although he managed to conceal his usual conceit.

  


“She does,” Melanie concurred, her shoulders drooping in resignation. “Fuck,” she breathed out as she sat down on the stairs.

  


Brian peered down at Melanie. He sighed, and took a seat by her side. Melanie gazed up at him, questioning his behavior. She understood Brian wasn’t joking; he had never looked as serious to her as he appeared at this moment.

  


As if to validate her thoughts, he uttered softly, “I think I should thank you.”

  


Melanie’s eyes widened at his announcement. She stared at him, bewildered.

  


Brian noticed her perplexed look, but he continued nonetheless, “You could have left her for good, but you didn’t. You’re supporting her pregnancy. And I know it must have been rough for you. I’m…” he paused, clearing his throat as he hesitated, even if he felt Melanie deserved to hear his apology. “I’m sorry for that,” he finally professed quietly.

  


Melanie blinked, looking at Brian as if she couldn’t believe he had just shown her some compassion. She therefore didn’t respond immediately, but eventually she shared, “I honestly thought that I wouldn’t be able to overlook the fact that you fucked her. I did leave her, as I’m sure you’ve heard. And… I really tried to forget about her, but I couldn’t. She is the one and I just… I can’t fight it.”

  


Brian remained silent, pretending to be slightly bored with Melanie’s heartfelt confession. Melanie, too, seemed uncomfortable after her revelation.

  


Eventually, though, Brian bumped Melanie’s shoulder with his own and quipped with a goofy grin, “Look at the bright side. You and I are both going to become dads.”

  


Melanie rolled her eyes at Brian’s stupid joke.

  


* * *

  


**_February 2007, Babylon..._ **

  


Michael had left, going home with a guy to get laid, and abandoning Brian who therefore had nothing better to do than to find a trick of his own and disappear into Babylon’s backroom. Emmett and Ted were still there somewhere, and Brian suspected that Emmett wouldn’t go home that night, so that Michael could be as loud and dirty as he wanted. Brian shuddered at the thought of his best friend being fucked into the mattress and tried to focus on the hot sandy-brown-haired man now unbuttoning his jeans.

  


Unfortunately, the man turned out not to be good at all. Brian was hard, but the guy’s technique was so bad that he scowled a few times and reminded the trick that using teeth to perform a blowjob was the best way to make a man soft. He was lucky that Brian was horny, or the brunet would already have lost his erection.

  


His phone suddenly buzzed in his pocket, and although Brian would normally not respond with his dick in a guy’s mouth, he was so bored that he flipped his cell open and responded with a brusque “What?” He frowned when he heard Melanie’s voice - now, he was sure that he would end up soft in no time - before finally understanding what she was babbling about. “Now?” he asked, peering down at the trick who was trying to deepthroat him but ended up gagging. Brian sighed and finally answered, “I’m on my way.” He disconnected the call and pushed the man away from his dick. The guy gazed up at him, obviously disappointed by his abrupt retreat, and Brian produced a fake smile. “Come back to me when…” Brian frowned, feigning to think for a second, “IF you ever learn how to give a decent blowjob. The good news is, you’re so bad that you can only get better!” he mocked while putting his cock back in his pants. He then gave the guy a couple of pats on his shoulder and exited the backroom.

  


He left Babylon and jumped into his Jeep. Starting the car, he called Michael, surprised when his friend answered and seemed relieved to hear his voice. He informed him that Lindsay was giving birth as they spoke - he really used words like ‘popping out the kid’ and ‘squeezing out that puppy’, resulting in a ‘uterus liberation’ - and that he needed his best friend by his side to survive the night.

  


He picked up Michael at Emmett’s less than ten minutes later.

  


“So, how was he?” Brian drawled when Michael stayed silent for too long, referring to the guy his friend had chased out of his home to join Brian.

  


Michael huffed, not answering his question. Brian kept his eyes on the road, but he placed his hand on Michael’s neck and squeezed. Michael finally complained, “He used a cock and ass package to compensate for his own shortcomings.”

  


Brian barked out a laugh. “I told you that you should have stayed with me. This guy had ‘loser’ written all over him,” he countered with a smirk.

  


“It’s easy for you to say!” Michael retorted loudly. “You have your pick of tricks. Not everyone is as lucky as you are.”

  


“I could give you a few tricks if you wanted. I want you happy Mikey, you know that,” Brian replied in a jesting tone, causing a scowl to appear on his friend’s face.

  


“Fuck you!” Michael answered. “I don’t want you to help me. And you should really stop talking about sex when you’re about to become a father anytime now. I bet you’re terrified.”

  


“Fuck _you_!” Brian retorted with a scowl, pushing Michael against the passenger door. “I’m fine.”

  


“Right,” Michael crossed his arms, annoyed. He sighed heavily before starting to smile out of the blue. “You’re going to become a father,” he repeated, only now apprehending that it was really happening.

  


“Yeah…” Brian breathed out as he, too, realized this was it. “Fuck, I can’t believe it.”

  


Michael stared at his friend’s profile as Brian maneuvered the Jeep into the hospital’s parking facility. He drove for a few more yards before parking the car and killing the ignition. Once the engine stopped running, Brian didn’t move, though, vacantly gazing at the steering wheel.

  


“You will be a great dad, you will see…” Michael reassured, sensing that Brian was about to freak out.

  


Brian snorted in response, but didn’t otherwise reply. He finally moved to peer into the backseat, trying to grab something that was behind Michael’s seat. Grinning as he obviously succeeded in finding what he was looking for, he retrieved a full bottle of Beam, opened it, and took a large gulp from the golden liquid.

  


“Only you would drink just before your son’s birth,” Michael stated knowingly as Brian handed him the bottle. He, too, took a sip from it, grimacing before handing the bottle back to Brian.

  


“I hate hospitals,” Brian scowled derisively. “I need all the help I can get to face this.”

  


“Hmm…” Michael responded hesitantly to Brian’s statement, knowing that behind the sarcasm, Brian was really anxious to be there. It wasn’t surprising, considering every time he’d had to visit the hospital in the past, it had been to deal with horrible events. “Come on,” Michael pressed Brian. “You don’t want to be drunk to meet your son.”

  


“I don’t?” Brian questioned sardonically as he took another gulp from the bottle before resealing the cap. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right. Not when the bull dyke will have my balls if I don’t behave like a good little boy.”

  


“And what would you do without your balls, huh?” Michael questioned teasingly.

  


Brian gave him a look. “Haha,” he laughed, before opening the passenger door and quickly exiting the Jeep.

  


Michael yelled a loud, “Hey! Wait for me!” and  hurriedly followed him.

  


They entered the hospital, heading straight to the maternity ward. Brian stopped at the front desk and asked for an update on Lindsay Peterson. The nurse informed them that she was still in the delivery room and invited them to wait.

  


“You don’t want to join Lindsay? I mean, you’re the father so you could go and be with her, right?” Michael eventually inquired after they had sat silently in the waiting room for a couple of minutes.

  


“Are you crazy? You want me to be highly traumatized for the rest of my life?” Brian replied in a jesting tone, although, Michael had to wonder if his friend was really joking or not.

  


“It can’t be that bad,” Michael tried to pretend he would be okay assisting a woman giving birth.

  


Brian chuckled ironically. “If you went in there, you’d faint before the baby was even born.” he teased his friend with a roll of his eyes before informing him, “And Lindsay didn’t ask me; she wanted Melanie to be by her side, and I’m more than fine with her choice. I will see the kid soon enough.”

  


Michael nodded absently and they sat in silence for a while. Eventually, though, he began to speak quietly, “I’m happy you have changed your mind about the baby and about, well… you know,” he declared, referring to Brian recovering from his downward spiral. When Brian didn’t respond but merely twiddled his thumbs, his elbows resting on his thighs, Michael pushed, “You scared me, you know? I really thought I would lose you after...after Justin left.”

  


Brian’s hands stilled. He blinked and then peered over at his friend before gazing away. “I wish he was here,” he revealed quietly.

  


Michael’s heart tightened in his chest at Brian’s unexpected confession.

  


“And you know the worst part?” Brian questioned, now absently scanning the floor. “It’s my fault. I didn’t leave him any choice. I pushed away the only man I ever cared about and for what, huh?”

  


“Brian…” Michael began, wanting to comfort his friend, but Brian cut him off before he had a chance to say anything else.

  


“Don’t,” Brian ordered. “What’s done is done,” he declared solemnly.

  


Michael put his hand on Brian’s neck to force his friend to look at him. When Brian relented, he gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. They leaned back and Brian placed his forehead against Michael’s, before uttering quietly, “I will never make that mistake again.”

  


Michael nodded. He was surprised that Brian had voiced his feelings out loud and acknowledged his mistakes but, truthfully, the birth of a child could entice anyone to reflect on his life. Besides, now more than ever, Michael was convinced Brian would make it and finally move on, even if he would have to do it without Justin; but Michael also knew that no one would ever take Justin’s place in Brian’s life.

  


They stayed silent for a while after that. When Brian went for a smoke several times in the next couple of hours, Michael stayed in the waiting room to make sure they wouldn’t miss any updates. He knew his friend was too nervous to sit still.

  


“Mr. Kinney?” A voice eventually called just as Brian had come back to sit next to Michael. Brian looked over, noticing the nurse they had previously talked to at the front desk standing in front of them. “Ms. Peterson has been transferred to room 327, if you want to join her.”

  


“Thanks,” Brian acknowledged, standing up immediately from his chair. He turned to Michael and ordered, “Let’s go.”

  


They walked through the hospital corridors and stopped in front of Lindsay’s room. Brian breathed deeply before opening the door, obviously trying to appear confident to whomever might be looking at him, but Michael knew better.

  


Brian walked into the room and paused a few feet away from the bed, Michael at his heels.

  


“Brian,” Lindsay whispered, holding their son in her arms, Melanie sitting by her side on the bed.

  


“Shit,” Brian eloquently replied as he remained frozen, staring at the child in Lindsay’s arms. Michael put his hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly to offer his friend some support.

  


“Come meet your son,” Lindsay proposed with a smile and, after a slight hesitation, Brian covered the few steps separating him from the blonde.

  


“Be careful,” Melanie couldn’t help but specify, earning a glare from her partner as she did. She scowled, but she didn’t add anything else.

  


Brian didn’t even react to Melanie’s words. His eyes were glued to the baby in Lindsay’s arms. He leaned closer and glanced at Lindsay, who nodded at him almost imperceptibly.

  


“Take off your shirt,” Lindsay surprisingly demanded.

  


“What?” Brian asked, his brows furrowing. “Are you sure you’re okay? The delivery went well, didn’t it?” he half-quipped, not understanding Lindsay’s request.

  


Lindsay chuckled, looking at Melanie and the baby with adoration. “Everything went well; don’t worry about me. I just want you to hold your son, skin to skin.”

  


“Don’t be shy, _Dad_ ,” Michael pushed. “As if taking off your shirt isn’t something you do about ten times a day anyway,” he playfully added.

  


“Careful, Mikey. Not in front of the kid,” Brian teased, as he took off his jacket and his shirt, grinning. “What subterfuge wouldn’t you use to see me naked?”

  


“Here,” Lindsay held out the tiny little being in her arms, ignoring Brian’s innuendo. Brian carefully took him and went to sit into the nearby recliner, securing his son against his chest, a warm blanket covering them both.

  


God, he was so small. Feeling this baby grabbing Brian’s thumb and wrapping his little fingers around it, his life so fragile and precious, took the brunet’s breath away. His body was warm, his fingers so small. He was moving his head, burying himself in Brian’s embrace, as if searching for his father’s protection. He finally stopped moving, just lying in Brian’s arms as if it was the best, safest place in the world.

  


“He’s already in love with you,” Lindsay uttered softly, as Michael took out his camera and snapped a picture of father and son.

  


Brian was in awe, flabbergasted at how good it felt to just hold his son. He had never felt this way before. This foreign feeling, this love, was overflowing him completely. Brian couldn’t stop smiling. He briefly wondered how he could have fought the birth of his son so fervently. It was insane. Justin had been right all along. If only Brian had let Justin’s faith in him guide him, too. Things could have been so different today, although dwelling on what might have been was useless. Justin wasn’t there, but the baby was born, filling a void inside Brian and making him feel this tiny little spark of happiness he had thought was lost forever until this moment.

  


“We need to ask you a question,” Lindsay inquired quietly, interrupting his thoughts and gazing at her friend and their son with a soft smile.

  


Brian didn’t even peer over at her. “What?” he breathed out absently, securing the blanket around his son’s body.

  


“We couldn’t choose a name. Melanie wants to call him Abraham, but I don’t,” Lindsay announced. “I want to call him Gus.”

  


“Gus?” Brian questioned, remembering Justin’s teddy bear. Fuck, Justin would have loved this child so much, Brian thought with a heavy heart.

  


“Abraham is my grandfather’s name,” Melanie informed him, obviously hoping that Brian would rally to her cause.

  


“No,” Brian refused, his gaze still fixed on his son. “But, Gus is okay,” he countered, before placing a kiss on his son’s forehead. “Hello, Gus. Welcome to Earth, Sonny Boy. Let me introduce you to your Uncle Michael.” Brian spoke kindly as Michael leaned closer to smile at the baby, caressing his free hand, which had escaped from the blanket as he lay on his father’s chest.

  


“Hi, Gus!” Michael greeted with a huge smile. “You’re so cute, little boy.”

  


“He is, right Gus?” Brian concurred, not giving a shit if he appeared completely enamored of his son. Peering over at Lindsay, he noticed the look on her face and stood up. “It’s time to go back to your mommy,” he declared before resettling Gus in Lindsay’s arms.

  


“Gus…” Melanie echoed, obviously trying to get used to the name. “I should have known you would take Lindsay’s side,” she huffed, but there was no real malice behind her words.

  


“What can I say?” Brian replied. “When we made up, she swore to have my balls the next time I upset her. I’m just a weak, weak man,” he scoffed. Melanie merely snorted in response, as Brian put his shirt back on.

  


“Congratulations, Moms and Dad,” Michael interjected cheerfully. “Say diiiiick!” he demanded as he produced his camera and took a picture of the three of them with Gus.

  


Michael then stared at his friends fondly, his eyes landing on Brian as he joked about his son’s attributes. And Michael had a feeling that now that Gus was in Brian’s life, he didn’t need to worry as much anymore.

 

* * *

  


**_Six Months Later, October 2007…_ **

  


Brian hesitantly crossed the Institute’s threshold with Michael at his side.

  


“I still can’t believe you’re actually doing this,” Michael declared as they headed towards the staircase. “How many years has it been? Ten?”

  


“Ten years, three months, and ten days…” Brian confirmed, his face impassive.

  


“Do you think he will recognize you?” Michael asked as they ascended to the second floor, choosing not to comment on Brian’s statement.

  


“I doubt it. We’ll see…” Brian replied curtly, his heart racing.

  


“It’s amazing nonetheless…” Michael uttered in wonder.

  


“Amazing?” Brian questioned. He peered through the window at the cloudy day on his way up the stairs.

  


“That you’ve changed your mind about talking to him,” Michael specified, as they arrived on the second floor.

  


“I am a dad, now,” Brian stated in explanation. Since Gus’s birth, a lot of things had changed. Brian would have never imagined that having a son would give him a purpose; yet, here he was, about to meet a father he didn’t know anymore.

  


Why was he here? Because he felt like it was the right thing to do. Because he needed to. Facing his past once and for all and overcoming everything that had prevented him from living his life was long overdue. He was doing it for himself. For Justin. For his son. For every single person in his life who deserved better from him than behaving like a coward for the rest of his life. Of course, Justin would probably never know that Brian had finally done as he should have a long time ago, but that didn’t matter. The brunet owed it to his former lover to fix his own life, to be the best father he could to his son - because without Justin, he would have never found the courage, the will, to do so. And in order to accomplish that, he needed to reconnect with Jack.

  


Truthfully, Brian was terrified. He doubted that he and Jack would be friends anytime soon. Seeing his father and forgiving him for fucking him up were not the same thing. Brian didn’t hope for a miracle, but he wanted to be free from his demons, at last. He had made a promise to himself: he wouldn’t lose anyone else ever again, not after losing the only person who had made him feel alive. He had loved Justin so much. He would always love him. Thanks to him, and whatever the future might hold, he was confronting his past, facing his father, and finally, _finally_ , letting go of the guilt he had held onto for the past ten years. Ten years...a long time to stop his father’s shadow from guiding him and to become his own person. Now, Brian wanted to be free.

  


“I’m proud of you,” Michael uttered, pausing in the corridor leading to Jack’s room.

  


Brian was in front of him and stilled as he heard his friend’s confession. He turned around to look at his oldest friend and smiled. “Mikey…” he drawled, as he came closer and placed his arm around Michael’s shoulder, leaning his head against his friend’s. “No need to flatter me. You know I’m way too egocentric as it is already.”

  


Michael chuckled. “Yeah. Probably…”

  


Brian took a deep breath as he released his friend. “Okay. Showtime,” he quipped, making it obvious that he was really nervous. “Wait for me in the common room. I shouldn’t be too long.”

  


“Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere,” Michael reassured with a nod, before leaving Brian alone, standing in the corridor, a few feet away from Jack’s room.

  


Brian remained immobile for a moment before eventually covering the distance separating him from room 215. He paused and blinked several times, just staring at the door. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. In a few seconds, he would talk to his father for the first time in ten years. It felt unreal.

  


Brian considered for an instant the possibility of walking away. A part of him wanted to, so badly. But then, he heard Justin’s voice in his head, telling him that he would be alright. He didn’t have a clue why he felt like the blond was with him now, but he did.

  


He raised his hand, staring at his fisted fingers. His fingernails were digging into the skin of his palms, but he couldn’t really feel the pain.

  


He knocked once. He almost hoped that Jack wouldn’t hear him but, of course, his father opened the door almost immediately and Brian had to step back, startled at facing him so suddenly.

  


“Hi!” Jack greeted him with a huge smile on his face. A moment elapsed and, when Brian didn’t return his greeting, Jack repeated, “Hi! I’m Jack!” smiling even wider, as if his smile could help Brian speak to him.

  


“Jack…” Brian echoed, swallowing. He had to clear his throat because he felt like he had suddenly lost his voice. “I’m Brian. I’m…” he began, but then he envisioned just walking away. This was so fucking hard. He couldn’t help but stare at Jack, at his smiling, friendly, happy face, so different from the man he used to be. Brian had already noticed that his father had changed a lot as he had observed him from afar over the years, but he had never been on the receiving end of one of his smiles before. Ever. Not as a kid, not as a teenager. Not until today, and Brian wanted to run away from that smile. What the fuck was he doing here? This was a mistake.

  


But then, Justin’s smile came to Brian’s mind. Gus’s smile. Jack had the same, irresistible sparkle on his face when he smiled.

  


So, Brian stayed.

  


Jack was still beaming at him, and Brian was about to introduce himself as his son when Jack suddenly disappeared into his room. Brian frowned but took a step forward, while Jack went to his desk. The man took something from a drawer and looked at it. Jack’s eyes traveled back to Brian and he smiled again as he walked back to him.

  


“This is my angel,” Jack declared as he showed the picture in his hands to Brian and pointed to a young teenage boy.

  


Brian’s breath caught in his throat. He stared at the picture of him, astounded that the first thing that Jack would show him would be this memento, although his father didn’t know that the boy in the picture and Brian were the same person. Still, maybe he had recognized him somehow, even if his mind didn’t remember him. Who knew what was really going on in Jack’s mind.

  


“Okay,” Brian breathed out, too shocked to come back with a proper answer.

  


“He’s beautiful, isn’t he? A little like you...” Jack stated genuinely, causing Brian’s heart to constrict in his chest.

  


“Jack…” Brian stated and waited until he had his father’s attention. He breathed heavily before disclosing, “I’m Brian, your son… I’m… it’s a picture of me,” he uttered hesitantly, overwhelmed by this unexpected turn of events.

  


Jack’s brows furrowed as he stared back and forth between the picture and Brian. He seemed confused, and Brian briefly thought that he should have listened to Dr. Collier and accepted her offer to be present for their reunion. But before Brian could add anything else, Jack suddenly jumped forward and took his son in his arms, squeezing him so hard that Brian briefly pondered whether he wanted to strangle him.

  


“Hey!” Brian protested as he tensed, shaken by his father’s gesture. He stepped back, effectively breaking their embrace.

  


Jack didn’t seem to notice Brian’s uneasiness. “You’re my beautiful son! My beautiful son!” he exclaimed, completely overwhelmed with joy. His face was radiant and blissful, his eyes shining, tears running down his cheeks. “Come with me; you need to come with me!” he demanded, his voice full of emotion, as he took Brian’s hand and dragged him towards the common room.

  


Brian was too dumbfounded to stop him and, soon, Jack was parading him around, shouting to whomever was listening that Brian was his ‘beautiful son’. His happiness was so spontaneous and contagious, Brian knew that it was impossible for Jack to be faking it. His father had never been so proud of him, although this man wasn’t Jack Kinney, not really. That’s probably why Brian couldn’t describe how he felt while witnessing his father’s outburst of joy, but he realized, amazed, that he was okay.

  


It was going to be okay. Brian had triumphed after having run away for ten years. Now, standing in the common room of the Institute, Brian looked over at Michael, who was grinning at him. He peered at his father, Jack’s face one of the happiest faces Brian had ever seen. And as a smile appeared on his own lips too, he swore that for a second, Justin was standing in the corner of the room and smiling at him.

 

* * *

  


**_September 2014, Seven Years Later…_ **

  


When Brian saw Justin, standing alone in front of the movie theater, he knew he wouldn’t be able to turn around. He was scared of course. Justin’s absence from his life had been so hard to overcome and Brian was only human, even if he pretended to be a god half of the time.

  


However, it would be easier to pretend that he hadn’t seen Justin and to walk away. He almost did, but then, he peered down at his son, at his beautiful boy who had given him so much love and joy over those last few years - Gus, who wouldn’t be here if not for Justin.

  


So, Brian didn’t walk away. Accepting his true feelings might take time, but running away wasn’t an option. He wasn’t that man anymore.

  


“Justin,” Brian called to his former lover while feeling his heart beat fast.

  


When Justin turned around, Brian could tell he was as overwhelmed by their unexpected encounter as he was. Justin peered at Gus with a question in his eyes, although Brian knew that his former lover would surmise the truth without Brian’s confirmation.

  


Brian’s breath caught in his throat. Justin was so fucking beautiful. He always had been, but the years had given him a beauty only time and experience could bring. Justin was slightly more muscular, his hair darker than Brian remembered.

  


Yet, his eyes were still shining with that same sparkle when he smiled.

  
  
  
  
  



	37. All over again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ** My endless gratitude to Karynn, who have spent a ridiculous amount of time working on this last chapter with me. She literally have breathed her own spirit in here. Thank you so much my dear friend! **
> 
> ♥ The Present: December 2014

 

**_Baltimore, Four Seasons hotel, Friday..._ **

 

Brian opened his eyes to Justin’s body pressed against his own, his head resting on the brunet’s shoulder. Sighing contentedly, a smile spreading across his lips at the sight of his sleeping partner, Brian peered through the large windows of their suite, admiring the quiet night slowly descending over the harbour.

 

He had returned at two thirty p.m., after Jesse had gone back to work, having promised to visit him later that evening. That’s why he and Justin had to get ready to be at Jesse and Aaron’s condo by seven, although Jesse had insisted on inviting Brian for a drink later, while Justin would spend the night catching up with Aaron.

 

Brian had pretended to be totally fine and relaxed during the couple of hours he had spent with Jesse, when the truth was that he had been nervous as hell. Consequently, Brian was exhausted, even though - everything considered - the encounter had gone pretty well. Things wouldn’t magically return overnight to the way they once had been, but if this reunion had taught him anything, it was that he had missed his friend terribly.

 

Justin had immediately understood that Brian hadn’t wanted to talk when he had returned. He had welcomed the brunet silently, and Brian had not resisted when his lover had taken him into his arms. They had not moved at first. They had just stood there, in the middle of their hotel room, without either of them uttering a word. Brian had eventually started kissing Justin deeply, enticing his lover to open his jeans slowly and kneel to pleasure his cock. Brian had let him, coming within a couple of minutes before pushing Justin onto the bed. The sex had been slow, yet intimate and fiery, leaving both men exhausted by the time they had reached their orgasms. Brian wasn’t fooled. Justin had deliberately distracted him from over-analyzing his feelings, which proved once more how smart his lover really was. Using sex as a way to accomplish his goal had been an added bonus.

 

Now lying on the king-size bed, Brian absently started to caress Justin’s hair. He had always loved doing that.

 

“Hurff…” Justin grunted as he began to move his head up from Brian’s chest. Brian’s fingers stilled momentarily, prompting Justin to specify drowsily, “Don’t stop. Feels good...”

 

“Yeah?” Brian tilted his head to look at Justin before peering at the clock. “We should get up. It’s already past six.”

 

“I don’t want to get up. I want to stay in this bed forever...” Justin’s voice trailed off as he started to pepper Brian’s shoulder and neck with small kisses. He finally stretched out and gazed at Brian, whispering, “with you.”

 

Brian’s eyes softened. Justin leaned in and covered his lips. They kissed, Brian pushing Justin onto his back to explore his mouth more thoroughly.

 

By the time they left their hotel, they were already ten minutes late.

 

* * *

 

Aaron, Jesse, and Alice lived in an apartment downtown, a fifteen-minute ride from the Four Seasons hotel. Brian and Justin jumped in a cab and soon reached the refurbished Victorian building, where they took the stairs to the second floor.

 

Brian sensed that Justin was slightly perturbed, his lover hesitating as he ascended the steps leading to their friends’ apartment. Justin paused at their doorstep and turned around to look at Brian, who waited for his lover to confide in him. However, Justin gazed away without saying anything.

 

Brian turned the blond to face him and leaned in. “Are you going to fucking tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

 

Justin sighed. “I just wanted to say that…” he hesitated. Brian raised his eyebrows questioningly, and Justin finally blurted out, “Well...are you okay?”

 

Brian had to smile at Justin’s concern. It was fucking adorable. “I’m fine. Stop the mother-hen act, okay?”

 

“I’m not…” Justin scoffed with a frown, but Brian cut him off.

 

“Yes, you are. You’re almost worse than Michael.” Brian declared, tongue-in-cheek.

 

Justin looked at his partner, outraged, his mouth opening and closing several times. Brian burst out laughing and knocked on Jesse and Aaron’s door. Justin eventually found his voice and muttered, “I hate you.”

 

“No. You love me,” Brian countered just as the door opened, revealing Aaron looking at them, obviously entertained by the scene playing out in front of him. “Hello Aaron. Long time, no see,” Brian greeted Jesse’s lover with a smirk.

 

“All good things must come to an end, Brian,” Aaron jested before greeting with a nod, “Hi Justin,” as he opened the door wider to let them in.

 

“Hey.” Justin entered first, enveloping Aaron in a hug.

 

When the blond released him, Aaron looked at Brian, who asked jokingly, “Don’t I deserve a hug, too?”

 

“It’s so reassuring to see that you’re still a demanding shit,” Aaron declared, but his amused expression belied his words.

 

“I know; it comes naturally.” Brian replied smugly as he followed Justin into the living room.

 

“Hey!” Jesse entered the room, a real smile on his lips. Alice shuffled towards them, too, stopping at Jesse’s side. The man decided to introduce his long-lost friend to his daughter. “Alice, you know Justin already, but you haven’t met Brian.”

 

Alice nodded at Brian before peering at Jesse, her brow furrowing. “You’ve made up?”

 

Jesse just raised his eyebrows at her.

 

“Thank God! You’ll finally stop complaining that you screwed up every time you talk about him,” Alice exclaimed as she indicated Brian with a toss of her head.

 

“Watch your mouth!” Jesse retorted as he pushed her shoulder playfully. Aaron laughed and went to the kitchen to prepare their drinks.

 

“She is a keeper,” Brian stated with a grin as he plopped onto the sofa and gazed up at Alice. “But don’t be too hard on poor Jesse. He has been deprived of my marvelous presence in his life for too long. It would make any man annoying as shit.”

 

Alice chuckled at Brian’s sarcastic reply. Jesse looked at Justin, but the blond just shrugged and protested, “Hey, don’t look at me. You’re the one who complained about missing him. Now, you’re stuck with him for the rest of your life. Just grin and bear it.” He then walked over to Brian and sat down next to him.

 

“You’re here, too,” Jesse countered playfully, pointing at the blond while taking a seat in a comfortable, brown leather chair.

 

“He is,” Brian confirmed mischievously, as he placed his arm around Justin’s shoulder. “What can I say? The Kinney charm is irresistible - draws everyone to me,” Brian quipped. “And by the way, I’m thirsty!” he shouted in direction of the kitchen.

 

“Oh, please… like you don’t crave the attention.” Jesse drawled, ignoring Brian’s less than subtle request. “You’ve always loved to be served.”

 

“I concur. He likes to be serviced.” Justin confirmed as he pretended to leaf through a magazine. When no one responded, he glanced up. “What? It’s the truth.”

 

“I don’t think I want to know.” Alice interjected, shaking her head in mock dismay while Aaron came back from the kitchen with various drinks, unaware of the conversation that had transpired in his absence. “ _Appetizers_? Anyone?” Alice proposed, pointing to the tray on the coffee table.

 

Jesse glared at Justin. “Don’t you even dare.”

 

“I love appetizers,” Justin declared seriously.

 

“Yep. He loves appetizers. I should know,” Brian affirmed with a grin.

 

Jesse gave up and just laughed at his friends’ repartee, while Alice passed around the tray of canapes. Aaron frowned in confusion as he handed Brian a shot of Beam.

 

“Bottoms up!” Brian toasted, smirking as he raised his glass.

 

* * *

 

They all shared a drink and sampled the appetizers before Jesse announced, as planned, that he needed some time with his friend. He dragged Brian out of the apartment, the two men ending up in a gay bar on Charles Street.

 

Sitting at the counter, two identical shots of Beam in front of him, Brian played with his glass while he waited for Jesse to come back from the restroom. An Adonis grazed his shoulder and Brian turned his head, quirking an eyebrow at the man who smiled at him, indicating the restroom with a slight tip of his head.

 

Brian heard Jesse chuckle and looked over as his friend sat next to him.

 

“Some things will never change,” Jesse stated with a grin.

 

“I’ll drink to that,” Brian declared as he raised his glass and gulped it in one go. He placed his glass back down on the counter and volunteered, “Although, other things do change…” before waving the bartender over for a refill.  

 

Jesse stilled next to Brian, peering at his friend questioningly. The truth was, he felt on edge in Brian’s company. Not that he wasn’t happy with their reunion, or that he still harbored unresolved feelings regarding their history, but letting go of years of silence unfortunately wasn’t as easy as he wanted it to be. Jesse was hopeful, however, that time and friendship would eventually win out over his uneasiness.

 

“I agree,” Jesse finally responded, curious as to why Brian would state something like that, although he didn’t want to push him to confide in him, either. “I met your son last month,” he disclosed. “He is your spitting image.”

 

“You did?” Brian questioned, his eyes fixed on the amber liquid in the glass he was rolling between his fingers.

 

“At Debbie’s,” Jesse confirmed.

 

Brian nodded. “We’re both fathers now,” he declared with a sardonic smile. “But I’m still fucking hot. In fact, every lesbo in the fucking Pitts wants my sperm.”

 

“You’ve been asked to father their children?” Jesse inquired.

 

“A couple of times. They mainly just drool whenever they see me with my son. Poor child. He will be permanently traumatized by all the women acting crazy because they fantasize about giving him a dozen siblings.”

 

Jesse laughed briefly. Brian’s sarcastic repartee had always been part of their relationship but, somehow, Jesse understood that Brian was humoring him to hide his own anxiety. So, he wasn’t surprised when they fell silent again, his heart beginning to beat faster.

 

“How are you, really?” The words escaped Jesse’s lips with difficulty, the man inwardly questioning his right to ask about Brian’s life. In a way, he felt like he didn’t deserve to know. It was his punishment for shutting Brian out of his life for so long.

 

Brian must have heard something in his voice, an edge, a tremor - something - because he stared over at Jesse as if he were searching for an answer in his expression. Jesse almost squirmed under Brian’s intense gaze.

 

Eventually, Brian answered, “I’m fine. In fact, I’m more than fine,” he revealed emphatically. “And I’m fucking relieved that you’ve decided to stop being a dick and to chase after me like any self-respecting gay man,” he added, grinning goofily.

 

Jesse barked out a real laugh. “I’m relieved to see that your ego hasn’t suffered a setback over the years.”

 

“Not a chance that will ever happen. Besides, I need to teach Gus how to be a real man. He’s being raised by the munchers, and his grandfather is a bigger queen than Godiva. Without me in his life, he would have to pretend to be an orphan by the age of thirteen.”

 

“You’re horrible,” Jesse responded, unable to hide his amusement at Brian’s outrageous proclamation.

 

“I’m realistic. You don’t know the bulldyke like I do. And you haven’t met my father. I assure you no kid would survive those two without some protection.”

 

“And yet, Gus adores Jack, doesn’t he?” Jesse inquired with a smile. That night at Debbie’s, he had observed Gus’s delight anytime the boy had mentioned something about his grandfather. It was obvious how close those two really were, and Jesse knew that Brian, not anyone else, had made that possible.

 

Brian sighed playfully. “Yeah. What can I say? My son has a big heart and my father…” his voice trailed off. Jesse sensed a shift in Brian’s demeanor. “...my father is the most loving person I have ever met,” he unexpectedly shared, one eyebrow tilting upward before he added in a jesting tone, “He is also the most insufferable person I know, of course.”

 

Jesse was dumbfounded to realize how much Brian had grown over the past nine years. His love for Gus wasn’t surprising - Brian had always been the only one refusing to believe in his own ability to become a father - but conversely, Jesse wouldn’t have thought it possible for Brian to fall in love with Jack. Because that’s exactly what had happened. Jesse had always known that Brian was scared out of his mind of his father, even when the man had been left brain-damaged to grow old, alone in a private facility for the rest of his life. Yes, even then, Brian had avoided him, not only because of his guilt and his resentment but also because he was fucking terrified. Jesse had always been convinced that reconnecting with Jack was the only way for Brian to heal from the trauma caused by the accident that had stolen his family from him. However, he would never have imagined that Brian would find the courage to do so, even less that he and Jack would actually get along. More than get along: father and son had fallen in love, even though Brian had fought tooth and toenail to prevent that from happening.

 

Brian had learned from his mistakes. He had allowed himself to become the man he had always wanted to be. There was no doubt in Jesse’s mind that his love for Justin had helped him change, even though the blond had been absent from his life for a long time. And although they’d had to overcome their difficult past, Brian and Justin were now more in love than ever. It was amazing to witness how much their relationship had evolved since they’d first met twelve years earlier.

 

“What?” Brian asked, and Jesse realized he had zoned out for a while, although his eyes had never left his friend’s face.

 

“Nothing,” Jesse hastily responded, gulping his Beam as a distraction. “One more,” he asked the bartender.

 

When Jesse gazed back at Brian, the brunet was still staring at him strangely. “Tell me,” he demanded and Jesse inwardly cursed his friend for being so perceptive. For someone so emotionally retarded, Brian had always been a terrific observer. Maybe he had a real bullshit detector after all.

 

“It’s just…” Jesse tried, pausing to think about what he was going to say. He didn’t want to lie to Brian, even unintentionally. “It’s weird, you know? You and me… being here after so long.”

 

Brian chuckled sardonically. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

 

Jesse nodded, looking down at his lap for a moment. “I want you back,” he declared bluntly, knowing it was the only truth he was sure about. “I really do. I know it will take time for us to rebuild our friendship, but I want it so much, Brian. If there is anything I can do...” his voice trailed off uncertainly.

 

“Hey… I’m here with you now, aren’t I?” Brian replied earnestly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Jesse felt a surge of love for his friend. “I’m getting married,” he announced, surprising himself by blurting the news out so suddenly.

 

Brian choked on his drink, which made Jesse grin while he helpfully thumped the brunet on the back.

 

When Brian had recovered, he glared at Jesse for a moment before clearing his throat, but he didn’t comment.

 

“You have nothing to say?” Jesse pushed, expecting Brian to come back with a true Kinney-esque remark.

 

“No,” Brian answered, pretending to be fascinated by a BDSM doll resting on a bar shelf in front of him. Feeling Jesse’s stare, Brian eventually clarified, “You don’t want to know.”

 

“You’re probably right.” Jesse smirked. “But, humor me anyway.”

 

Brian blinked before turning on his stool to face his friend. He harbored his best ‘I’m full of shit but I don’t want to show it’ grin and eventually declared as seriously as possible. “If you’re happy, then I’m happy for you.” In his defense, he tried as hard as he could to disguise his disdain for the sacrosanct institution.

 

Jesse cracked up at Brian’s sour expression. Even pretending to be supportive resulted in him looking like he had a stick up his ass. “You still hate marriage.”

 

“I still hate marriage.” Brian let out a sigh of relief when Jesse didn’t try to make him lie. However, his expression softened as he added, “But I mean it. If you’re happy, no one should question your choice.”

 

“Hmm…” Jesse eyed the brunet kindly, and Brian was struck by the love he could feel emanating from his friend. As if to validate his thoughts, Jesse revealed, “I want you to be my best man.”

 

Brian’s heart missed a beat at Jesse’s request. They stared at each other, Brian biting his lip to prevent a smile from spreading across his face. “Anybody would tell you that you don’t want me as your best man at your wedding. I will dress in leather, drink too much, provide drugs, fuck the groom, screw the minister, and organise an orgy in the ballroom.”

 

“I’ll take my chances anyway,” Jesse replied.

 

“You’re insane,” Brian drawled as he wrapped an arm around Jesse’s neck, effectively forcing his friend to lean against him, their foreheads touching. Brian then placed his hand on Jesse’s cheek. “You’re fucking insane,” he breathed out, his voice now laced with emotion he couldn’t hide.

 

“I will take that as a yes, then,” Jesse responded simply before engulfing Brian in a tight embrace.

 

* * *

 

**_Pittsburgh, One week later..._ **

 

Brian and Justin had stayed in Baltimore for the weekend, before returning home on Sunday evening. Jesse, Aaron, and Alice were due to arrive a couple of weeks later, to spend the holidays in Pittsburgh.

 

For now, Brian was enjoying an afternoon with his son. Gus had insisted they go and watch the Pittsburgh Riverhounds play soccer, and Brian had conceded even though he was not thrilled by the prospect of freezing his ass on the stadium bleachers. Justin was busy doing God knows what - Brian was sure he was so disappointed to miss two hours of men running around all sweaty in their clinging shorts - so Brian was alone entertaining Gus. But the truth was, he didn’t mind at all. Well, his ass didn’t agree, obviously, since it was all of thirty-three degrees outside.

 

“It’s awesome!” Gus exclaimed as the players jogged off the field to the locker room at halftime. “Did you see how Mayers made that goal?”

 

“Yeah…” Brian blew on his hands, his cashmere-lined leather gloves not enough to stop the cold from invading his bones. “It’s fucking freezing,” he complained, but he had to laugh when he saw Gus’s disapproving expression.

 

“Dad,” Gus reprimanded sternly. “Language.”

 

“Right.” Brian grinned. “You should really stop listening to your mothers so much.” He surprisingly succeeded in not using the term ‘munchers’, which made him really proud of himself.

 

Gus rolled his eyes at his father’s silliness. “Where is Justin?”

 

“With his mom,” Brian answered, now remembering that Jennifer was moving back to the Pitts and that Justin was helping her to sort through her things in her new house. In other words, Brian feared that his partner would spend the next month at his mom’s. _Oh, joy._

 

“He has a mom?” Gus asked incredulously.

 

“Hmm… I know you’ve been raised by two women, but I think you should still be aware that to be born, you need to have a mother and a father participate.” Brian quipped, Gus’s spontaneity cracking him up.

 

Gus shook his head at his father, as if he were stupid. “I know that.”

 

“You do?” Brian inquired innocently.

 

“Stop fucking with me!” Gus ordered with a grin, while pushing his dad’s shoulder.

 

“Wow, Gus! You used the F word. I’m so proud of you!” Brian teased as Gus froze like a deer caught in the headlights, realizing what he’d just said. He then cleared his throat and pretended that nothing had happened, although the small smile playing on his lips gave him away.

 

“So, how is school?” Brian asked, deciding to stop messing with his son. He also wanted to know what was happening in Gus’s life.

 

“It’s...okay,” Gus responded with a shrug, yet Brian sensed that he was hiding something.

 

“You’re sure?” Brian pushed, but Gus’s face remained impassive as he merely nodded in response. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But I’m here if you need me, anytime. You know that, right?”

 

Gus still didn’t respond. Brian turned on the bleachers to face his son. “Gus,” he called. Still no reaction. “For Pete’s sake Gus, look at me,” he demanded, the gentleness in his voice belying his words.

 

When Gus peered up at him, Brian saw the hesitation in his eyes. “I can tell you anything?” Gus asked, obviously not convinced.

 

“Anything,” Brian confirmed immediately as he placed a hand on his son’s knee.

 

Gus took a deep breath, looking away. He then whispered uncomfortably, “Okay…” He gazed up at his father and declared very seriously, “I’m in love.”

 

Brian almost choked. “You’re… in love?” he repeated, a shudder running down his spine. His seven-year-old son was in love?

 

“I am.” Gus stated emphatically.

 

“With... a boy?” Brian tried, even though he was already convinced that his son was straight. He was in love at seven years old for Christ’s sake.

 

Gus gave him an irritated look. “No! With a girl. Her name is Lily.”

 

“Lily,” Brian echoed.

 

“Yes, Lily. It’s the most beautiful name I have ever heard, don’t you agree?” Gus asked enthusiastically.

 

“Sure,” Brian agreed with a nod, too astounded to react any other way. His mind was still processing the unthinkable. He, Brian Kinney, had fathered a romantic child. Or, maybe Gus thought that he was in love but was merely experiencing his first crush, which would fade away as fast as it had started. That was way more plausible. “How do you know you’re in love?” Brian questioned, hopeful that Gus would confirm his theory.

 

“I just know. I feel my heart beating hard every time I see her, like very fast. My hands become sweaty and I can’t stop looking at her,” Gus disclosed, sporting a dreamy expression on his face. “A little like you when you’re with Justin,” he explained, and this time, Brian had to cough to disguise his instinctive reaction - gagging. Gus peered at his father with a frown and patted his back. Concerned, he asked, “Are you okay?”

 

“Just peachy,” Brian retorted, still recovering from the fact that his son thought he looked like a schoolboy with a huge crush on Justin.

 

“Do you think I should ask her out?” Gus asked his father hopefully.

 

“You mean, on a _date_?” Brian gasped. His son was asking his advice about love. Going on dates. The world had come to an end.

 

“Yes. I could buy chocolates. And flowers. We could go the movies. Mom says that’s what you do when you’re in love,” Gus declared, obviously having thought it through already.

 

“You can’t go to the movies on your own,” Brian reminded his son, ignoring the references to chocolates and flowers altogether. No way was Gus going on a date so young. Just no way.

 

“You can come with Justin. I wouldn’t mind. We can double-date. Mom says it’s fun to double-date!” Gus enthused.

 

Brian had to close his eyes to refrain from laughing out loud at the absurdity of this conversation. He inwardly cursed Lindsay for being such a romantic, now more than ever convinced that he really needed to exert more of a male presence in his son’s life. Or even better, forbid him to see his mom ever again. “Maybe you could wait a little before going on a date. You know, for a decade or two,” Brian finally quipped, earning a disappointed look from Gus.

 

 _Shit_. He had never been able to resist his son when he looked at him in that beseeching manner. Brian breathed heavily and finally relented, “Or, maybe we can go to the movies with… Lily.”

 

“Really?” Gus exclaimed, beaming.

 

“Really,” Brian confirmed, amazed to realize again how much he loved it when his son looked at him as if he were the best dad in the world.

 

“You will ask Justin to come with us?” Gus insisted. To say that Gus had taken an instant liking to the blond would be a huge understatement, although Brian wasn’t surprised. Gus was his son and shared his good taste, naturally.

 

“I’m sure he will be delighted to come,” Brian agreed, ruffling his son’s hair affectionately. He knew perfectly well that he had just been played, but he didn’t care.

 

“You really love him, don’t you?” Gus suddenly inquired in a sweet voice, gazing up at his father expectantly.

 

Brian stared down at his son. He marveled once again at how perceptive and full of life Gus was. He was so different from Brian when he was his age, his carefree behavior and joie de vivre so refreshing and heartwarming. Brian didn’t know what he had done to deserve such a wonderful son, but he was fucking grateful. Gus was his redemption, his victory over life. He loved him so fucking much and, peering at him right now, he once again felt that amazing sensation bursting out of his chest.

 

“I do. I love him,” Brian finally responded to his son’s inquiry, not giving a shit how corny he sounded. It was the truth.

 

“See? We’re both in love. So, we will have to go and buy chocolates and flowers for our dates. Just the two of us,” Gus stated adamantly.

 

Brian roared with laughter as the first snowflakes started falling on the stadium, the soccer players jogging back onto the field.

 

* * *

 

**_Ten days later, Christmas Eve, The loft…_ **

 

“You’re sure you didn’t forget anything?” Brian asked sardonically, vastly amused by the whole scene as he gazed at his partner, who was juggling various packages and bags.

 

“Catch that,” Justin ordered as he once again lost a box. “It’s not my fault everyone agreed to go to Debbie’s this year.”

 

“How many gifts did you buy anyway? Did you rob some of the shops?” Brian mocked, as he finally deigned to give his partner a hand and grabbed a couple of packages still lying on the floor.

 

“Let me see. There is Debbie and Carl, Michael and Ben, Hunter, Ted and Blake, Linds and Mel, Emmett and Drew, my mother, your son and J.R., Jesse, Aaron, and Alice and, of course, your father, who had me ask Santa for at least a dozen different things.”

 

“My father doesn’t believe in Santa,” Brian stated emphatically.

 

“He does,” Justin countered.

 

“He does not,” Brian replied with a raised eyebrow. “Although, he tried to fool me, too, years ago when we reconnected.”

 

“Are you saying he played me?” Justin inquired in disbelief.

 

“If you think my father is the image of innocence and saintliness, think again,” Brian confirmed. “When he wants something, he is worse than a child.”

 

“He is going to pay for this,” Justin declared playfully.

 

Brian chuckled. “I like your spirit, especially on Christmas. Makes me so proud,” he quipped,  finally locking the loft behind them. As Justin headed towards the elevator, Brian noticed a contemplative look on the blond’s face. “What?”

 

“I can’t believe it’s been almost four months since I moved back.” Justin shared, trying to lift the gate of the elevator, but his hands were full. Brian raised it for him.

 

“And I can’t believe I have to endure another Christmas meal at Debbie’s,” Brian countered as he closed the gate behind them.

 

Justin smirked as he leaned closer to Brian. “Poor baby. Doomed to endure sentimental moments. ”

 

“Careful, Sunshine,” Brian breathed out huskily into Justin’s ear. Leaning back, he directed a seductive look at his boyfriend and began to fondle his cloth-covered dick.

 

“What are you doing?” Justin asked, feeling his cock harden.

 

“It’s Christmas. And I’m in a very giving mood,” Brian bit his lip. “Besides, watching you bend over all afternoon wrapping so many presents wasn’t fair at all. Do you have any idea how horny you made me?”

 

“Well…” Justin began, but Brian kept touching him, which, of course, distracted him.

 

“I’m feeling the holiday spirit right now,” Brian whispered with a smirk. “You did mention something about me enduring sentimental moments, right?” He nudged the blond until his back was braced against the elevator wall.

 

“Yeah...” Justin responded in a low voice as, forgetting all reason, he dropped his bags and attacked Brian’s lips. Brian responded with equal force and lowered Justin’s pants, turning him to face the wall. Within a minute, he was entering his lover from behind, fully clothed except for his dick, which was coming and going in Justin’s ass, his jeans unbuttoned and hanging low on his hips. Brian couldn’t believe they were fucking, _again_ , but he surely wasn’t complaining. He couldn’t get enough of Justin. Moreover, Brian needed all the stress relief he could get before confronting a houseful of people bubbling over with Christmas spirit.

 

Justin, too, marveled at how good it felt to have Brian back in his life. Although, right now, all he could think of was that Brian being inside him was way too addictive, and he smiled at the thought that he didn’t even care that somebody could discover them at any moment. He heard Brian grunting loudly in his ear, signalling his impending orgasm, and he came with a scream, thankful that neither of them had pushed the elevator button, as the brunet also cried out.

 

The warmth from Brian’s rapid breathing tickled the side of Justin’s neck. He could almost feel his lover smile.

 

“You could have awakened the dead with that scream. I’m sure all the living in the building were blown away by your vitality.” Brian chuckled behind him, eventually detaching himself from his partner’s body.

 

Justin blushed in embarrassment but then, helplessly, he began to laugh, too, as he straightened up and adjusted his clothing. “Do you think they’ll enjoy the sentimental holiday aroma?”

 

“Sunshine, that’s our ‘Merry Christmas’ calling card.” Brian leaned in to steal a deep kiss from Justin, before finally pushing the button to the parking level and putting the elevator in motion.

 

* * *

 

**_Debbie’s house, Thirty minutes later…_ **

 

After they had picked up Jack at the Institute, Brian parked his car in front of Debbie’s house and killed the ignition. “Dad,” he spoke to his father, who was sitting next to him, Justin having relocated to the backseat. Jack peered over at him, the excitement he was feeling over being a part of this event reflected in the huge smile he was sporting. “Tell Justin you don’t believe in Santa,” Brian demanded, barely refraining from laughing out loud at the contrite look Jack gave him.

 

Jack tried to justify himself to his son. “Justin seemed so happy about making me happy. When he assumed I believed in a fat man with a white beard and a red costume traveling up in the sky with a couple of reindeer, I just couldn’t tell him he was wrong. I didn’t mean to lie.” He peered over at Justin who was trying hard to keep a straight face. “Justin, I’m sorry. But you seemed so happy! I was afraid you still believed in Santa. How could I have destroyed your dream?”

 

“I don’t believe in Santa, Jack,” an amused Justin responded.

 

“You don’t?” Jack asked, and Justin had to concede that he was a very good actor when he wanted to be. “Oh. Well then, the matter is settled, right? Although, did you buy that rainbow hat I showed you the other day? And the sweater with Santa’s workshop on the front? Oh, and the yellow underwear with the little blue and red stars on them?” Jack bounced in his seat, “And especially the pajamas with purple and pink fairies?”

 

“You’re not wearing those,” Brian intervened. No way his father would be caught wearing yellow underwear with red and blue stars. And pajamas with pink and purple fairies? Brian would never ever enter his room again.

 

“Why not?” Jack retorted, immediately pouting and crossing his arms. “Not everyone is a label freak like you,” he countered, with Justin bursting out in gales of laughter at Jack’s reply.

 

“Okay! Time to join the party you two, and don’t worry, you have all evening to whine at each other,” Justin interjected as he opened the door and exited the car. Brian and Jack followed him, both men still scowling at one another.

 

“Merry Christmas!” and “Dad! Grandpa! Justin!” were the exuberant greetings from Debbie and Gus at the door, which had been decorated with a multitude of colorful, hand-knitted Christmas socks arranged to resemble a rainbow flag.

 

“Jack! Come here and give me a hug!” Debbie requested, and Jack immediately beamed at her as he took her in his arms and hefted her into the air. Gus smiled as he lunged for his father before holding out his arms for Justin, who lifted him into a quick embrace. Brian was still glaring at his dad.

 

Turning to the brunet as soon as Jack released her so that he could hug Gus, Debbie inquired loudly, “What’s with the face? Did Justin refuse to blow you today?” before realizing that Jack and Gus were looking at her questioningly. She toned it down, addressing Jack conspiratorially, so that Gus couldn’t hear her. “Sorry Jack, but you know your son. Nothing short of sexual frustration could make him pout like he is right now.”

 

“What do you mean by Justin refusing to blow him? Is Justin blowing in his ear or something? Or, is it like the big, bad wolf in ‘The Three Little Pigs’?” Jack almost shouted, not understanding what Debbie had meant with her question or why she had whispered.

 

Gus frowned at his grandpa, looking amazingly like Brian when he was wondering if someone was for real. He grabbed his hand, declaring, “Don’t worry Grandpa. The big, bad wolf doesn’t exist. And Justin blowing on Dad with his mouth won’t hurt him.”

 

Justin cracked up at Gus’s declaration. “He really is your son, Brian. You should be very proud,” he quipped, laughing hysterically.

 

Brian rolled his eyes, though he confirmed as he glared at Debbie, “I’m proud, alright.”

 

Debbie gave him an insouciant, innocent look in return before ushering them inside.

 

However, the four of them stopped just inside the entryway when Jack didn’t follow them. Brian peered at his father through the open door as Jack questioned, “Why are the little men on your lawn bare-arsed, Debbie? Is the cold supposed to make their asses pinker, like the little pigs?”

 

Brian followed his father’s stare and discovered three gnomes dressed like NC-18 versions of Santa’s elves, with large, candy-cane-shaped cutouts exposing their rear ends. He guffawed, not bothering to answer Jack before entering Debbie’s house, even though he heard his father specifying that he wanted the same outfit for his birthday. Gus informed his grandfather that Auntie Emmett had some pants which looked like those in one of his drawers at home, so he could probably lend them to Jack.

 

Brian heard everybody laughing uproariously as they listened to Jack and Gus’s conversation. Glaring at the group of people gathered in the living room, Brian realized that, once again, he and Justin were fashionably late, with them being the last to arrive.

 

He immediately spotted Emmett and groused, “I hope you have a good reason for my son to know about your secret drawer, Emmy Lou.”

 

Emmett had the good sense to look ashamed, responding as he stood up from the couch, “I swear to God, Brian, I have no idea how Gus knows about my magnificent pleather pants.” He then looked at Justin and smiled widely as if he hadn’t just been on the receiving end of the Kinney wrath. “Hey, Baby! You look lovely tonight!”

 

“Hi Emmett,” Justin grinned back at him.

 

“Hey!” Michael, Jesse, Lindsay, and everyone else then joined Brian and Justin, coming up to them for hugs.

 

“Sorry we’re late. It’s Justin’s fault,” Brian claimed as he placed his arm around his partner’s shoulders and kissed the blond’s temple.

 

“How is it my fault?” Justin inquired, outraged.

 

“Well, you spent your day showing off your ass to me. Of course we ended up late; what did you expect?” Brian responded, taking immense pleasure in embarrassing his lover in front of their friends.

 

It worked like a charm. Justin turned ten shades of red at Brian’s reply, remembering them fucking in the elevator.

 

Smiling smugly over his accomplishment, Brian separated himself from his partner and glanced at Jesse. “So, back in the Pitts already? Twice in a few weeks… You should be careful. Next thing you know, you will move back, too.” Brian quipped, smirking at his friend. But his eyes gave away how moved he felt that Jesse was back to spend the holidays with them.

 

“Actually…” Jesse eyed him mischievously as he announced, “we’re moving back in a few months.”

 

“You are?” Justin asked.

 

“Yes. Dr. Stern is really eager to develop the trial in different cities. So, I offered to open a facility in Pittsburgh and, voila!” Jesse revealed, smiling broadly.

 

“Jesus. Is anybody still sane around here? First Jennifer, now you,” Brian jested, peering at his ‘mother-in-law’, yet moderating his words by kissing Jennifer on the cheek. He felt Jennifer tense, although she couldn’t help but smile slightly.

 

Jennifer wasn’t thrilled about Justin’s choice to reconnect with his first love and, truthfully, Brian couldn’t blame her. Justin’s mother had been the one person to deal with her heartbroken son when he had run away from Pittsburgh all those years ago. To her credit, though, Jennifer had been polite to Brian so far. He doubted he would become her favorite person anytime soon, but she fortunately trusted her son’s judgement. Justin adored his mother, and Brian had promised himself to try to get along for the blond’s sake. Besides, he had always respected Mother Taylor for never letting her son down.

 

“We should celebrate!” Debbie intervened as she poured some champagne into several glasses. “Jack, stop talking to the gnomes; they can’t hear you! Just come inside! We’re going to freeze to death if you don’t close that fucking door!” she shouted in the direction of Brian’s father, who was still standing on the porch outside her front door.

 

* * *

 

Everyone shared a toast, Debbie gushing about family, friendship, and love. Jack tried to drink the glass Ted gave him as he joined them the living room, but he couldn’t abide the taste and spat all the champagne on Brian’s CFO.

 

“Good work, Jack,” Brian congratulated his father, grinning at Ted. “Now, come on, I want you to meet someone,” he demanded, grabbing his father’s arm and walking over to Jesse.

 

Jesse, who had been talking with Melanie, turned toward them with a warm smile as he noticed Brian and Jack standing by his side.

 

“Jesse,” Brian placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “I want you to meet my dad - you know, the one who wants cutout pants for his birthday. Jack, this is Jesse.”

 

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Jack,” Jesse greeted him with a smile. He pulled Brian’s father into his arms, and Jack immediately hugged Jesse back, hard. Releasing Jack, Jesse marveled, “Wow. Your son didn’t lie. You’re really one hell of a hugger.”

 

“You think so?” Jack questioned, beaming. He liked Brian’s friends so much. His son had mentioned a Jesse a couple of times recently, but he had never met him.

 

“I do.” Jesse gazed at Jack kindly. “Brian is very lucky,” he stated, peering at his friend, who looked away before focusing again on Jack.

 

“Are you lucky?” Jack asked his son, and Brian couldn’t keep his lips from turning upward as he understood how much it’d mean to his father if he said yes, the hopeful look on Jack’s face giving him away.

 

“I am,” Brian responded to his father’s inquiry, not giving a shit that he was surrounded by his nosy, gossip-queen friends.

 

Jack beamed. “Can I hug you?” he asked hesitantly, although the gleam in his eyes showed how touched he truly was by his son’s revelation.

 

“Of course you can hug me,” Brian responded. “Come here.”

 

Jack enveloped his son in his arms, surprised when Brian hugged him tightly for a long moment. Tears started to stream down his cheeks as he returned his son’s hug.

 

“Hey,” Brian drawled after a few seconds, freeing himself from his father’s embrace. “Don’t bawl on my shirt. It’s Prada.” He heard Justin laughing next to him. His father was sporting a dazzling smile, and Brian gazed away as he fought to keep his own feelings under control.

 

“Brian… Son,” Jack whispered, grabbing Brian’s hand to capture his attention. “Thank you.”

 

“Anytime,” Brian breathed out hoarsely as he peered at his father and squeezed his hand.

 

* * *

 

Later that night, after an evening filled with animated conversation, laughter, and even tears, when Jesse and Aaron announced that they were getting married next June, Brian went outside to smoke a cigarette. In spite of the cold, Jack was running around with Gus in the backyard after building a snowman. Brian had tried to dissuade him - it would be a miracle if he didn’t catch a cold after that - but Jack had not listened to his son, as usual when he wanted something. Lindsay had allowed Gus to join Jack for a little while, and the young boy had added the finishing touches from Debbie’s supplies - black button eyes, a carrot nose, a smile formed with raisins, and a knitted rainbow scarf and hat to keep the snowman warm. Brian felt funny as he watched his father and son goofing around and squealing.

 

“Do you think we should tell them that the most important part of its anatomy is missing?” Justin quipped as he came to stand at Brian’s side, looking at the scene unfolding in Debbie’s backyard while rubbing his gloved hands to fight the cold.

 

Brian burst out laughing at Justin’s remark. He crushed the stub of his cigarette with his foot and looked at his partner. “No,” he replied with a fond smile. “Let them be.”

 

“You okay?” Justin inquired.

 

Brian placed his arm around Justin’s shoulders. “Yeah.” He exhaled, his breath becoming visible in the chilly air. “I’m deliriously happy,” Brian jested with a grin, although Justin had a inkling that he was completely serious. Brian scowled playfully as he refocused his attention on Jack, who was lifting Gus into the air. “But if you ever repeat that to a living soul, I will have to punish you severely.”

 

Justin laughed. “As if I wouldn’t love that.”

 

Brian snorted. “You’ve always been a little weird. You fell in love with me, after all.”

 

Justin gazed at Brian, before looking back at Jack and Gus. “Yeah. I did,” he simply responded.

 

Brian brought Justin closer against him before turning to face him. He leaned in and placed a gentle, heartfelt kiss on his lips.

 

“What was that for?” Justin asked when he’d recovered.

 

Brian shrugged. “I wanted to.”

 

Justin responded by kissing him back.

 

As Brian lost himself in Justin’s warmth, he thought about what used to be. He’d never expected to be at peace one day. If he’d known that all he had to do was let go of his fear and embrace his life, he would have done it a long time ago.

 

What he had now was worth it, though. And if he had to, he’d do it all over again.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update February 2017: the double date is now written. Come check it out after you finish the story! It's called 'The Date' (a humorous story written with the wonderful eureka1)


	38. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months later...

 

**_Epilogue, June 2015, Six months later…_ **

  


Jesse and Aaron got married in a landscaped garden, surrounded by their family and friends. Forty guests had been invited to a beautiful, old, ivy-covered mansion only a half hour drive from Pittsburgh. The place was charming and peaceful, the perfect location for a small, intimate wedding. Simple, elegant white chairs had been placed in rows at one end of the garden, which was shaded by large oak trees. In front of the gathering, Jesse, Aaron, Brian, and Jacob - Jesse’s brother, stood before the minister.

  


Brian surprisingly behaved himself and only burst out laughing once during the ceremony, although he had a good excuse this time, the minister referring to Aaron as the bride by mistake.

  


“I always knew Aaron was that type of guy,” Brian teased under his breath at Jesse’s side, so that only his friend could hear him. Jesse pretended to be offended by his remark but he couldn’t keep a chuckle from escaping his lips. The minister gave both Brian and Jesse a stern, though amused look before continuing, and the two men feigned to behave themselves. However, the ghosts of both their grins lingered until the time came for Jesse and Aaron to exchange their vows.

  


As they did, time seemed to stop. Every bad moment they had endured over the years vanished, as all these people, these friends, stood there by the trees, watching as Jesse shared his love for the man who had supported him during the most difficult time of his life. Emmett and Debbie cried, of course. Justin, too, had a hard time not tearing up. Brian observed as his lover - standing a few feet away among the guests - clasped his hands together, the expression on his face betraying how touched he was to be a part of his friends’ special day.

  


Pretending not to be affected by Jesse’s commitment was proving to be difficult for Brian. Being at his friend’s side today, after all the heartache, the pain, the absence, he bore witness to the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

  


Jesse looked happy, truly happy. Aaron, too, could barely hide his satisfaction at finally committing to his longtime partner.  Both men - dressed in elegant, black suits - spoke, their hands entwined, their smiling, glistening eyes and slight trembling expressing the depth of their emotions. Brian wanted to be annoyed with all the excess of happiness filling the air, but he wasn’t. Even standing under a tree with the threat of being targeted by a malicious bird didn’t disturb him.

  


Lindsay and Melanie couldn’t prevent Gus from moving along the rows with Jack on his heels. Ben had wrapped an arm around his husband, while Drew was trying to comfort his sentimental, queening-out lover by offering his shoulder for support - Emmett had always been a romantic at heart - while Ted furnished a handkerchief that Blake had pulled out of his pocket. Debbie’s eyes were shining. Even Carl wasn’t far from shedding a tear as he listened to the two grooms exchange their vows.

  


Justin teared up as Alice proudly carried the rings toward her adoptive fathers, with Kristine and Paul by her side.

  


As for Brian, he heard his father’s voice echo the caroling of the robin perched on the branch above him and couldn’t help but smile.

  


* * *

  


**_Four hours later…_ **

  


Multiple ten-foot glass doors ran along the walls of the mansion, allowing the guests a stunning view from the spectacular main room out to the gardens, which had been transformed into an ephemeral, twinkling landscape. The room was dominated by a high, arched ceiling with ornate molding, complemented by a massive stone fireplace, old masterpieces, and mosaic paving stones. Tables set with linen tablecloths, fine china, sterling silverware, and gleaming crystal goblets had been arranged by the open doors. Outside, lights illuminated the ivy, gilding the myriad flowers and shrubs with a magical glow.

  


Animated conversation filled the glorious room, laughter echoing under the arched ceiling. After the guests finished eating the main course, they enjoyed the convivial company of their family and friends as they waited for the wedding cake to be cut and served.

  


Justin looked at Brian, who was seated next to him with Gus perched on his lap. The little boy tried to imitate his father and sniffed a glass of red wine the brunet was holding, only to grimace and groan at the smell of alcohol. Brian laughed out loud before taking a sip from the glass while Justin grinned delightedly.

  


The last few months had been the happiest of Justin’s life. He was so ridiculously in love with Brian that he wondered sometimes if this feeling would ever fade. His partner was still the same arrogant, narcissistic, brutally honest man he had met twelve years earlier, with a major difference. He now had a son and a father, who adored him, in his life. Too bad men couldn’t be knocked up, or Justin would have begged to carry Brian’s baby a long time ago.

  


Brian loved Justin. Justin knew it, although he had never heard Brian confess it out loud. It had bothered him when he was younger, still idealizing about what love should be. Not anymore.

  


Saying ‘I love you’ was easy. Meaning it, on the other hand, was the hard part. Even marrying someone wasn’t difficult, if a little more complicated to deal with when you wanted out. The real challenge was being there, caring about and supporting the person you loved, day after day.

  


Justin liked to think that he now held a special place in all the Kinneys’ lives. Brian playfully claimed that Jack and Gus were giving him way too much attention, and that it was unfair of Justin to be so easy to love. Truthfully, Justin felt like he was the lucky one. By falling in love with Brian, he had gained a surrogate father and son, something he wouldn’t have thought possible a few months ago. He had his own family now.

  


Realizing he had been lost in thought, Justin caught Brian staring at him contemplatively. Justin nodded almost imperceptibly before leaning in to squeeze his hand. Brian’s lips turned upward, and the brunet finally asked Gus to go sit on Jack’s lap, before standing up and clinking his fork against his glass to capture the guests’ attention.

  


“Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to my attention that, as Jesse’s best man, I’m obligated to make a speech tonight,” Brian declared, his gaze sweeping around the room before focusing on his friend. “So, Jesse...you want to hear what I have to say?”

  


Jesse waved at Brian. “Be my guest!”

  


Brian sighed, “Okay, then, but don’t queen out later like I didn’t warn you.” He shot a broad grin at Jesse. Looking at the audience, he began, “I met Jesse…when was it… almost twenty years ago? When we were...” he faltered.

  


“Younger!” Emmett shouted from his seat, Ted’s head bobbing up and down in agreement at his side.

  


Brian glared at Emmett and Ted, but nodded. “Yeah...that. Although, I prefer the term ‘less experienced’... Anyway, Jesse was a dork.”

  


“I was not!” Jesse exclaimed.

  


“It takes one to know one!” Michael called out, making everyone laugh.

  


“This is my speech, Mikey,” Brian scowled in mock offense. “You don’t want me to talk about your Captain Astro underwear, do you?”

  


Now, Michael was the one scowling. “They were great underwear!” he complained as the audience laughed.

  


It was momentarily so quiet that everyone heard Ben commenting, “They’re still great underwear.” That caused everyone to burst out laughing all over again, although Brian could have sworn that he heard his father’s voice declaring that he wanted to trade his underwear for Michael’s.  


 

When the laughter died out, Brian pondered, “Okay, then…where was I? Ah, yes. ‘Dorky Jesse’,” he repeated, amused as he watched his married friend about to protest again. “You will notice that a nickname like ‘Dorky Brian,’ doesn’t work. It doesn’t have the right ring to it. But amazingly, ‘Dorky Jesse,’ works perfectly. Hey, even ‘Dorky Mikey’! Makes me wonder why I allowed them to hang out with me in the first place. Anyway…” he hastily added, so that neither Jesse nor Michael could intervene. “Jesse had a lot of...nerdy qualities.”

  


“Had?” Jacob asked jokingly.

  


“I’m trying to be nice,” Brian replied mischievously, ignoring Jesse’s playful glare. After a slight pause, Brian volunteered, “Truthfully, the respectable dork was a good little schoolboy. That came in handy when Mikey and I needed to improve our image with a teacher. Jesse was the master at kissing ass.” His gaze swept around the room once more as he observed people chuckling in their seats. With a smirk, he clarified, looking at Justin goofily, “Well, he wasn’t the master in THAT way, obviously. Never was, never will be. Right, Sunshine?”

  


Justin blushed as Debbie shouted cheerfully, “Good for you, honey!”

  


Brian refrained from laughing out loud when Justin gave him a reproachful look, before, unbeknown to the guests, he moved his lips, enunciating silently, “You will pay slowly but thoroughly for this.” Of course, knowing his partner like he did, Brian had no doubt that Justin was implying that he would be required to _perform_ an apology later. Not that Brian was complaining.

  


Ignoring the image of a naked Justin lying on their bed, Brian continued, “So, _kissing ass_ \- as in being the kid assisting teachers at every opportunity, even when it meant doing all the _dirty_ work after class - was Jesse’s specialty number one.”

  


Jesse cut him off. “I think I remember YOU were the one kissing something other than the coach’s ass, Brian.” He raised an eyebrow, grinning wickedly.

  


“This isn’t about me.” Brian smirked at his friend. “So, stop interrupting. Aaron, please, gag him for the remainder of my speech.”

  


“Will do,” Aaron quipped as he playfully placed his hand over Jesse’s mouth, making the guests chuckle.

  


“Okay!” Brian exclaimed. “I have to say, another one of Dorky Jesse’s attributes was his ability to put up with Mikey and me. Who knows what would have happened if he hadn’t showed up in our lives when he did, right Mikey?”

  


Michael looked at Brian with a puzzled frown but nodded, nonetheless.

  


“All I know is, Jesse has always been a good man.” Brian shared, his demeanor shifting as he stopped joking. “Life hasn’t spared him; that’s true. But the fact that we’re all here together tonight is solid proof of the person Jesse really is.”

  


Jesse stared at Brian silently. It was obvious he was already fighting not to weep.

  


Brian eyed Jesse sternly before demanding with a grin, “Don’t you fucking cry or I swear I will reveal how you almost lost _it_ on someone’s mom when she opened the door and interrupted our Swayze marathon.”

  


Jesse glared at Brian. Brian gave him his most innocent smile in return, just as Debbie screeched from her table, “I remember that! The three of them were pretty much jacking off in Michael’s bedroom. I bet you my favorite wig that it was their first threesome!”

  


“Ma!” Michael exclaimed, outraged. Jesse just hid his beet-red face in his husband’s shoulder.

  


“Debbie. You know me,” Brian responded with his trademark smirk. “It wasn’t my first,” he added with a ‘how dare you associate me with my two best friends regarding sex’ scowl. “But we’re not here to talk about our sex life. In fact, we’re not here to talk about sex at all, which is a shame if you ask me…”

  


“What are we talking about?” Brian heard Jack ask Carl. Carl glared at Brian, who just laughed.

  


“Before you so eloquently clarified what we’d been doing in Michael’s bedroom, I was actually trying to be serious, Debbie,” Brian stated in a jesting tone. “So, please let me speak without any more interruptions.”

  


Debbie motioned that she was sealing her lips.

  


Brian’s grin vanished as the room fell silent again. Justin had noticed his lover was stalling for time, using humor to entertain the guests while he found the strength for what he really wanted to share. As if confirming his assumption, Brian sighed heavily, running his hand through his hair before directing his gaze at Justin. Whatever he saw in his lover’s eyes seemed to bolster him, because he finally began to speak.

  


“My father, Jack, claims that we have ‘saviors’, in our lives.” Brian’s voice resonated throughout the room. “‘Angels’ who are there to guide us and make us better people. Whether it’s true or not doesn’t really matter although, if I were to acknowledge those who have made me want to be a better man, Jesse would be one of them. I’m proud to be here by his side tonight.”

  


“I used to be one of those men who didn’t believe in love, of any kind. I couldn’t understand why everyone seemed to think that was so important in order to be happy. Michael and Jesse were the first to help me understand that I was wrong. At least, they made me realize that asking for help was better than trying to deal with a problem alone,” he paused, before disclosing, “Of course, that doesn’t  mean I always listened to them, though. I’m not that easy…” he added smugly.

  


Brian’s grin disappeared as he kept going, “I needed them to be my friends and they were there for me. I honestly don’t know where I would be today if I hadn’t met those two as well as the rest of our little ‘gang’. And it’s true that friendship isn’t easy, but so fucking what? It’s worth it,” he professed wholeheartedly, directing his gaze at Jesse and nodding slightly.

  


Jesse was crying silently now, no doubt remembering all those missed years. But that didn’t matter anymore.

  


Brian peered at Aaron, who was clasping Jesse’s hand in support, and jested, “You’d better keep going with the sex, though. I know married couples have an unfortunate tendency to turn into ball-less wonders, but please, make me proud and show me I’m wrong, won’t you?”

  


“You’re incorrigible,” Jesse admonished, but his eyes were smiling. Brian’s humor was his primary defense mechanism when he felt too exposed. Jesse knew how hard it was for Brian to confide his feelings like he was, in front of so many people.

  


“I’m doing my best,” Brian countered. “But I mean it,” he insisted, a slight, unmistakable edge in his voice.

  


“Which part? The part about friendship or the part about needing more information about the sex life of married couples?” Emmett interjected cheerfully.

  


“I will leave that up to your imagination,” Brian responded before complaining playfully, “Although, I think I will never be able to finish this speech. Anyone else have a comment to make? No? Okay, then…” he paused, leaning in to grab his glass of wine from the table. He took a sip and placed it back down.

  


Justin understood that whatever Brian was going to say now, he was done joking. There was something in his posture that reflected his determination. Justin leaned back in his seat and waited, unable to tear his gaze away from his lover.

  


“Anyone who knows me will tell you that I don’t believe in marriage,” Brian began. “That I think it’s a bunch of hetero crap that allows people to believe that they are in a safer place with their significant other, and that they don’t have to work so hard to prove their commitment to their partner…” his voice trailed off. The room was now silent as the guests waited for Brian to continue, half-fearing, half-anticipating what he was going to say next. Brian kept staring at his friends for a few seconds, an indecipherable expression on his face. Eventually, he conceded, “They would be right. At least, partially.”

  


Brian hadn’t lied when he’d told Jesse that he still loathed the institution of marriage. To him, saying ‘yes’ and sporting a ring on his finger wouldn’t mean anything, a man’s actions remaining the only thing Brian believed in. He would probably never change his mind in that regard, never ask Justin to marry him. Still, if Justin wanted it, Brian would propose in a heartbeat, although the brunet knew his lover would never ask him to. What they shared was enough. No ring, no ‘I do’, would ever change the fact that Brian would love Justin until the day he died.

  


That’s why he clarified, “But that’s not entirely true either. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be married and I will probably never will, but…” Brian hesitated, his eyes now fixed on Justin. He inhaled deeply and blinked. “There is one man in my life who made me believe that I could be a good man, a good father, and a good son. He made me realize that it was okay to forgive. Most importantly, to forgive myself. To finally admit that I’m no god,” he added with a small smile, every person in the room now understanding that Brian wasn’t referring to Jesse anymore.

  


Jesse encouraged him to continue with a brief nod when his friend glanced at him.

  


“I have never been able to thank him for that. To say to him that…” Brian cleared his throat, before turning to stare at Justin. “You are the reason I made the right choice eight years ago...even if it was already too late for us.”

  


“Brian...” Justin uttered quietly.

  


“Let me finish,” Brian demanded, the expression on his face showing how deadly serious he was. “What’s done is done. I can’t undo the past, and I don’t want to. The only thing I can do is promise you right here, right now, that I will be the best partner I can be for as long as you want me to be. I promise you Justin, I will never, _never,_ let you down again. And if you want a ring, I will give it to you. Hell, if you want a mansion with stables and a pool, I will buy one for you,” he asserted, before adding with a smile, “I hope that you don’t, though. But if you do, we’ll figure it out.”

  


Justin was having trouble breathing, his throat closing up under the weight of his love for the man standing next to him. He couldn’t believe what Brian was saying or that he had revealed his feelings in front of everybody.

  


Of course, Justin didn’t need a ring or a mansion. Yet, Brian’s declaration felt like the closest thing to a proposal that he could give Justin, without betraying himself.

  


Justin didn’t know if it was possible to love Brian more than at that moment, although he always felt like he couldn’t love him more and, still, each passing day proved him wrong.

  


Fuck, he couldn’t believe how ridiculously romantic his thoughts sometimes became.

  


Brian was standing and staring at him. Justin was speechless, unable to think at all. He rose from his chair and positioned himself in front of his lover. He peered upward, noticing Brian’s mask still firmly in place, but with his hazel eyes betraying him. There were so much love in his eyes.

  


“I don’t want a ring,” Justin breathed out, not giving a damn that forty people were spying on his every move and trying to hear what he was saying. “I don’t want a mansion,” he added, his lips turning upward. “There is only one thing I want.”

  


“What?” Brian inquired, raising one eyebrow.

  


“I want you to move in with me. Officially,” Justin demanded, taking a step closer to place his hands on Brian’s waist.

  


Brian bit his lip as he leaned in, reaching out to tuck a lock of blond hair behind Justin’s ear. “I think that can be arranged.”

  


“We’ll choose a new place together,” Justin insisted.

  


“Okay,” Brian responded with a nod.

  


“We will need a room for Gus and one for Jack, when one or both of them want to stay the night.” Justin specified.

  


“Aren’t you bossy?” Brian teased, but Justin could tell he was truly touched by the blond’s desire to welcome his son and his father into their new home.

  


Justin ignored Brian’s innuendo. “And now, I want you to kiss me. In front of everybody.”

  


Brian let a chuckle escape at Justin’s demand. After a few seconds, he leaned in slowly. But, instead of claiming Justin’s lips, he placed his cheek against Justin’s.

  


“I love you,” he murmured, the warmth of his breath grazing Justin’s neck.

  


Justin froze in shock as Brian leaned back and gave him a soft, almost shy smile. He felt like his heart was bursting out of his chest. He stopped thinking at all as he covered Brian’s lips with his own. The brunet responded to the kiss, their tongues entwining before they leaned back, their foreheads touching as Brian cupped Justin’s face in his hands. Neither man cared about the loud applause, the catcalls, and the cheering they could hear coming from their friends and family.

  


“I love you,” Brian whispered again. Fortunately for him, Emmett had now begun to share a joke about the healthful benefits of kissing, probably to divert everyone’s attention from him and Justin.

  


“I love you, too,” Justin responded, a huge smile spreading across his lips.

  


And as Brian’s heart skipped a beat at Justin’s blinding smile, he couldn’t keep a thought from forming in his mind.

  


_Not bad._

  


This life wasn’t bad at all.

  


THE END

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank sincerely Kim and Karynn who have helped me editing this story. I couldn’t have finished it without their help and support.  
> It took me forever to complete this, but I hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it. If you did, please consider leaving a comment on this final chapter! Thank you.  
> To all the readers who have supported me since I started posting this one (ages ago, really), thank you for your patience and I dedicate this last update to all of you!  
> Merry Christmas everyone :)


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